1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:05,755 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,933 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,893 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,358 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,739 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,791 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,089 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,305 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,349 --> 00:00:59,976 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,562 (tires screech) 11 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:07,984 -(screams) -(tires screech) 12 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,629 Busted my hump all week. 13 00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,214 Stupid grass! 14 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:31,049 Supposed to be the boy's job. 15 00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:32,926 Now, now, Homer 16 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,886 Bart's busy working on his science project. 17 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:37,764 You heard the lady, Homer so please mow quietly. 18 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:39,974 Genius at work. 19 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:45,355 1:00, still just a potato. 20 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,150 Hey there, neighbor. 21 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,861 The Lord's certainly given us a beautiful day today, huh? 22 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,364 -Hello, Flanders. -Doing a little yard work, huh? 23 00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:56,658 Who told? Marge, beer me. 24 00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:58,368 Say, Simpson 25 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:01,037 I've got some time-released granules 26 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:04,040 that will get rid of that crabgrass in just half a jiff. 27 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,376 Crabgrass? What are you talking about? 28 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:09,629 -Where? -Well, there, there... 29 00:02:09,712 --> 00:02:12,173 and there's a big patch over there. 30 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,384 There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. 31 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,052 It just has a bad name, that's all. 32 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,595 Everyone would love it 33 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,806 if it had a cute name like "elfgrass." 34 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,724 (chuckles) Well, you may be right. 35 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:25,061 -Marge, where's the Duff? -Oh, we're all out, Homer. 36 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,230 -D'oh! -Would you like some fruit juice? 37 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,274 Don't toy with me, woman. 38 00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:31,651 I couldn't help overhearing, Simpson. 39 00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:34,362 I've got some ice-cold suds in the rumpus room 40 00:02:34,445 --> 00:02:35,488 if you'd like to join me. 41 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,991 Well, uh, okay, what the heck? 42 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,160 I've earned a little break. 43 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:43,204 (gasps) Holy moly. 44 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:45,165 It's beautiful. 45 00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:46,833 Say, that's right. 46 00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,627 This is your first visit to the Flanders homestead. 47 00:02:49,711 --> 00:02:51,254 Well, we've only been neighbors what? 48 00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:54,382 (muttering) Eight years. 49 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,551 There's my little popcorn ball. 50 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:57,677 Kissy-kissy. 51 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,095 Oh, hello, sponge cake. 52 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,347 I thought you boys might be hungry 53 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,391 so I whipped up some club sandwiches. 54 00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:05,351 Ain't she wonderful, Simpson? 55 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,520 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but aren't we forgetting something, Flanders? 56 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,273 Oh, your beer. Uh, is draft okay? 57 00:03:10,356 --> 00:03:12,650 Just put in the tap last week. 58 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,905 Heh heh. Here's a tasty little lager 59 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,823 that came all the way from Holland. 60 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:22,410 Well, beggars can't be choosy. 61 00:03:22,493 --> 00:03:24,704 -(burp) -Hey, Dad, 62 00:03:24,787 --> 00:03:26,414 thanks for helping me with my science project. 63 00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:28,750 -Mwah! -Oh, my pleasure, study buddy. 64 00:03:28,833 --> 00:03:31,169 Aw, I got the best Dad in the whole world. 65 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:34,255 NED: Oh, now, you know how that embarrasses me. 66 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:36,424 I know. Toodley-doodley. 67 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,052 (sighs) Kids can be a trial sometimes. 68 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:40,929 All right, knock it off! 69 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,639 Knock what off, Simpson? 70 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:46,059 You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! 71 00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:48,061 Your family is better than my family! 72 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:51,105 Your beer comes from farther away than my beer! 73 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,774 You and your son like each other! 74 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:55,944 Your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt. 75 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:57,779 You make me sick! 76 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,656 Simpson, I'm afraid 77 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,241 I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 78 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,034 I hope you understand. 79 00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,495 I wouldn't stay on a bet! 80 00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:09,624 One for the road. 81 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,170 (Homer moaning) 82 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:16,506 Homey, quit tossing. 83 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,757 Sorry, Marge. 84 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,634 But it's just that I'm still steamed up 85 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,135 about that jerk Flanders. 86 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,097 Lousy, bragging know-it-all, show-off. 87 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,015 What exactly did he say? 88 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,101 Get this. He said... 89 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:30,520 No, he said... 90 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,397 Well, it wasn't so much what he said, 91 00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:33,439 it was how he said it. 92 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:34,941 How did he say it? 93 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,402 -Well, he... -Was he angry? 94 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:38,736 -No. -Was he rude? 95 00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:41,030 Okay, okay. It wasn't how he said it either, 96 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,532 but the message was loud and clear. 97 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,826 Our family stinks! 98 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:48,204 Homer, I'm your best friend, but I've gotta say, 99 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,915 I've never seen him be anything but a perfect neighbor. 100 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,084 Oh, he's perfect now, is he? 101 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:56,170 Well, he's not perfect, but he is very... 102 00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,047 No, no, Marge, don't backpedal! 103 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,799 You were right the first time. 104 00:04:59,882 --> 00:05:03,011 He's perfect! Perfect in every way. 105 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,221 I'm just gonna go take a walk around the block to calm down. 106 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,681 I got a little excited. 107 00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:08,224 I'm not perfect... 108 00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:10,935 like Ned Flanders. 109 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,687 (concerned groan) 110 00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,029 Neddy, you're tossing. 111 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,239 What's the matter? 112 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,575 I feel terrible. Sometimes I forget 113 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,453 that we have things a little better than the Simpsons. 114 00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:31,164 I drag him over here, he has a few beers. 115 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,291 You can't blame him for erupting and then... 116 00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,419 I turn into a snarling beast. 117 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,921 Talk about flunking the old turn-the-other-cheek test. 118 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:43,134 Well, Ned, maybe I'm not the one you should be talking to. 119 00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:44,135 You're right. 120 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:48,431 Hello, Reverend Lovejoy? 121 00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:52,560 (yawns) No, this is Mrs. Lovejoy. 122 00:05:52,643 --> 00:05:53,728 Just a minute. 123 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:56,147 Honey, honey, wake up. 124 00:05:56,230 --> 00:05:59,067 It sounds like Ned Flanders is having some sort of crisis. 125 00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:01,861 Oh, probably stepped on a worm. 126 00:06:01,944 --> 00:06:03,488 (clears nose) 127 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:04,739 Hello, Ned. 128 00:06:04,822 --> 00:06:06,491 Reverend, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, 129 00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,786 but I threw a man out of my house today. 130 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,789 I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19. 131 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,124 -Huh? -"Love thy neighbor." 132 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,586 Oh, oh. Matthew 19:19, right, right. 133 00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,798 Well, you know, Ned, the good book says 134 00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,966 "A gentle answer turneth away wrath." 135 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:27,136 A gentle answer? Well, that is a jim-dandy idea. 136 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,389 Bless you, Reverend. 137 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,893 "Dear neighbor..." 138 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:39,148 -HOMER: Flanders! -Ah! 139 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,026 I don't blame you for being upset with me, Homer. 140 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,070 I just wanted to give you this letter. 141 00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:45,279 I'll leave now. 142 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:46,989 "Dear neighbor... 143 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:49,951 (laughing) 144 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,080 -"You are my brother." -(laughing) 145 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:58,126 -"I love you. -(laughing) 146 00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:02,547 "And yet I feel a great sadness 147 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:03,881 in my bosom." 148 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:06,843 (cackling) 149 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,219 Bosom. 150 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:10,012 Wait, wait, there's more. 151 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:12,140 I think that's terrible. 152 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,767 A man opens his heart, and you make fun of him. 153 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,228 -(giggles) -(laughter) 154 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:19,188 "Neighbors forever." Oh, no. 155 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,731 (laughing) 156 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,733 -"Ned Flanders." -(laughing) 157 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,944 What a sap. 158 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:27,321 Read the bosom part again, Dad. 159 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:31,826 -Now just a minute! -Bosom. 160 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:33,953 (laughing) 161 00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:35,538 Bart! 162 00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:38,374 I wish this family was as close as the Flanders. 163 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,917 Okay, okay, all right, all right. 164 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:40,960 She's right. 165 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,920 Let's do something together. 166 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,465 What does everyone say to some miniature golf 167 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,801 followed by a round of frosty chocolate milk shakes? 168 00:07:48,885 --> 00:07:49,886 All right. 169 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:52,263 Hmm, I was going to wash my hair. 170 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,348 And I'm studying for the math fair. 171 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:56,976 If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor. 172 00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:58,269 Too bad we don't live on a farm. 173 00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:00,062 Let's go, boy. 174 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,527 Fore! 175 00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:13,993 (laughing) 176 00:08:14,076 --> 00:08:16,329 But I got it in the middle. 177 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:20,875 D'oh! That was just a practice shot, boy. 178 00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,752 Play it where it lays, Homer. 179 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,727 Hey, there's Homer Simpson. 180 00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:43,439 What a perfect opportunity to follow up on my letter. 181 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,901 Aw, give up, homeboy. There's a six-stroke limit. 182 00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:49,445 I know, I know. I can still make this for five. 183 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,740 Come on, baby, please, please, go in, please. 184 00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,288 D'oh! (grunting) 185 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,791 Hi, Simpson. Having fun? 186 00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,793 Flanders, what are you doing here? 187 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:06,295 Oh, just playing a little mini-golf with the Todd-meister. 188 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,880 -Hi, Bart. -Get bent. 189 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,507 Say, now that we're all friends again, 190 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:10,883 why don't we make a foursome? 191 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,426 -That sounds great. -Well, okay. 192 00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:13,594 All right. This will be fun. 193 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:14,637 Oh, say, you looked like 194 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:15,638 you were having a little trouble there. 195 00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,098 Well, that shot is impossible! 196 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,308 Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it. 197 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,643 TODD: It is difficult, Mr. Simpson. 198 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,396 The best strategy is to play conservatively. 199 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,273 Hug the rail. It won't go in 200 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,817 but you set yourself up for an easy deuce. 201 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,321 Oh, well... hmm. It went in. 202 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,407 -Good shot, Toddski. -Luck. 203 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:36,450 BART: Final score, Bart 41. 204 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,786 Homer, let's see... 205 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:41,163 Six plus six plus six plus six plus six... 206 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:42,999 -Never mind. -Hey, look. 207 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:46,168 TODD: Wow! First prize, $50. 208 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,796 Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters. 209 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,840 So my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament? 210 00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:54,969 Yeah, he's entering and what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy? 211 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:57,638 -I guess it's possible. -Hey, I like that confidence. 212 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,599 But I hope you're not putting too much pressure on the boy. 213 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,309 My Todd's awfully good. 214 00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:04,270 Oh, yeah? Well, I think the fruit of my loins 215 00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:07,440 can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the week. 216 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:09,108 -Come on, boy. -Hyuh! 217 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,610 -(Homer slurps loudly) -But Dad, 218 00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,029 I've never won anything in my life. 219 00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:16,449 Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. 220 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,992 It is not okay to lose. 221 00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:26,459 Stay, stay. Good dog. 222 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,210 Now, keep your head down. 223 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,421 D'oh! Not you. I'm talking to the boy. 224 00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,965 Keep your head down. Follow through. 225 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,136 Okay, that didn't work. 226 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:39,347 This time, move your head and don't follow through. 227 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,765 Oh, man. 228 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,683 (concerned groaning) 229 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,561 What are you doing? 230 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,231 That putter is to you what a bat is to a baseball player. 231 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:53,277 What a violin is to the... the guy... the violin guy. 232 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,987 Now come on! Give your putter a name. 233 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,572 What? 234 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,200 -Come on. Give it a name. -Mr. Putter. 235 00:10:59,283 --> 00:11:01,744 Oh! You want to try a little harder, son? 236 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:04,664 -C'mon, give it a girl's name. -Mom. 237 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,999 -Your putter's name is Charlene. -Why? 238 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:08,668 It just is, that's why. 239 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,629 Now this is a picture of your enemy 240 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,089 Todd Flanders. 241 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:15,966 Every day, I want you to spend 15 minutes 242 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,010 staring at it and concentrating 243 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,762 on how much you hate him, 244 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,139 and how glorious it will be 245 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,433 when you and Charlene annihilate him. 246 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,769 -Who's Charlene? -I'll show you who Charlene is. 247 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,187 Now start hating. 248 00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:33,109 (growling) 249 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,110 Ugh. 250 00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:37,405 Hi, Bart. 251 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:43,327 Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind. 252 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:44,662 -And? -Well, I'm worried 253 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:45,996 that you're making too big a deal 254 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,082 of this silly little kiddie golf tournament. 255 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:51,419 But Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderses. 256 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:54,088 I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that? 257 00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:57,007 Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself 258 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,093 is by making someone else look bad. 259 00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:02,263 And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves. 260 00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:03,597 Hmm. 261 00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:11,021 -(groans) -Hi, Bart. What are you doing? 262 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,983 Hey Lise, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter? 263 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,485 Well, a black-headed bishop is of little value 264 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,904 but I think you're referring to a pawn. 265 00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:21,157 Right. I am a pawn. 266 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,160 Hmm, I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful 267 00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:27,580 Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do. 268 00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:30,082 Bart, I think I can help you. 269 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:32,084 LISA: Our journey begins here at the library. 270 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,421 -Hi, Lisa. -Hi, Mrs. Norton. 271 00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,590 -Hi, Lisa. -Hey, Ralph. 272 00:12:37,673 --> 00:12:40,050 -Hi, Lisa. -Hey, gang. 273 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:43,053 Okay, Bart, this is the card catalogue. 274 00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:44,764 Let's see. Golf. 275 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,975 Anecdotes, Eisenhower and... 276 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:50,478 profession, humor, Japanese obsession with... 277 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,898 Ah, here it is. Putting. 278 00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,901 And finally, the most important book of all-- 279 00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,903 The Tao-Te Ching by Lao-Tzu. 280 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,988 Lisa, we can't afford all these books. 281 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:02,990 Bart, we're just gonna borrow them. 282 00:13:03,073 --> 00:13:04,784 Oh, heh heh! Gotcha. 283 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:08,370 LISA: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. 284 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,872 BART: Okay. 285 00:13:09,955 --> 00:13:11,707 -Embrace nothingness. -You got it. 286 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,751 Become like an uncarved stone. 287 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,294 -Done. -Bart! 288 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,796 You're just pretending to know what I'm talking about. 289 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,089 -True. -Well, it's very frustrating. 290 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,674 I'll bet. 291 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,593 Bart, I have a riddle for you. 292 00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:25,346 What's the sound of one hand clapping? 293 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,181 Piece of cake. (fingers slapping) 294 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:30,434 No, Bart, it's a 3, 000-year-old riddle with no answer. 295 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:32,937 It supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. 296 00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:35,439 No answer? Lisa, listen up. 297 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:37,358 (fingers slapping) 298 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,443 Uh, let's try another one. 299 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,946 If a tree falls in the woods, and no one's around, 300 00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:43,280 does it make a sound? 301 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,992 Absolutely. (makes crashing noises) 302 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:48,953 But Bart, how can sound exist 303 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,247 if there's no one there to hear it? 304 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,291 Whoo! 305 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,627 It is time. 306 00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:59,922 The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. 307 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:01,924 All you have to do is hit the ball here. 308 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,016 I can't believe it. 309 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,269 You've actually found a practical use for geometry. 310 00:14:33,622 --> 00:14:35,082 Bart, what are you doing? 311 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,417 Get down from there before the neighbors see-- 312 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,002 -Hey, Simpson. -D'oh! 313 00:14:38,085 --> 00:14:39,795 Flanders, I don't care what this looks like. 314 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,424 Bart's gonna mop the floor with your son's ugly butt. 315 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,718 Well, sir, may the best man win. 316 00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,720 Ah! "May the best man win." 317 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,263 The mating call of the loser. 318 00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:50,723 Just a minute, Simpson. 319 00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:52,766 I think my son has a very good chance. 320 00:14:52,850 --> 00:14:54,059 Oh, yeah? Want to bet? 321 00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,312 Yeah, well, I'm not a betting man. 322 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,730 (clucking sounds) 323 00:14:57,813 --> 00:14:59,690 Oh, I'm a chicken, am I? 324 00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:02,067 -That's right. -All right, how's this for a wager? 325 00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:05,237 A batch of your wife's delicious blueberry muffins 326 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,990 against one of my wife's homemade wind chimes. 327 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:11,160 Wha-- Are you afraid to make a real bet? 328 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:14,622 -No, I just... -(clucking) 329 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,416 You know, Simpson, you're starting to annoy me. 330 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:18,918 How about this, henny penny? 331 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:22,713 If Bart wins tomorrow, you have to mow my lawn. 332 00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:26,467 All right, and if Todd wins, you have to mow my lawn. 333 00:15:26,550 --> 00:15:29,261 -Aah! -And do a decent job of it for a change! 334 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,181 Better yet, you have to mow my lawn 335 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:34,350 in your wife's Sunday dress! 336 00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:38,687 You have yourself a bet, you... jackaninny! 337 00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,774 Read that back to me, Marge. 338 00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:43,734 "The father of the loser mows the lawn..." 339 00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,946 Hey, hey. Just a minute. Loser is such a harsh word. 340 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,156 Couldn't we say, "the boy who doesn't win"? 341 00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,116 Oh, man. Fine. 342 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,244 "The father of the boy who doesn't win 343 00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,872 has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress." 344 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:57,873 There you go. 345 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,458 Now, I suppose you both have to sign this. 346 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,710 I hope blood won't be necessary. 347 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,672 I'm game if you are, Flanders. 348 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,091 (sighs) 349 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,843 Good gravy, what have I done? 350 00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,720 Keep your left arm straight, Bart. 351 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,973 -Rotate your shoulders. -TOGETHER: Dad! 352 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:17,393 Look, son. All I'm asking is that you try. 353 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,769 Okay, I'll try. 354 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,437 Anybody can try! 355 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,814 I want you to win! 356 00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:24,650 (screams) 357 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:32,783 Homer? 358 00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:35,160 Marge? Give me your honest opinion. 359 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,871 -This or this? -(groans) 360 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,138 -Aah! -Good morning, son. 361 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,640 Oh, by the way, today's the day of the big tournament. 362 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,475 -And you'd better win! -Dad! 363 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,602 See you downstairs, boy. 364 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,276 Heh, heh, heh. That crazy Marmaduke. 365 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,195 -Eighth hole. -Aim for the octopus, third tentacle. 366 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:12,072 -12th hole. -Bank it off the pink tombstone. 367 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:13,866 -Nirvana. -A state of bliss attained through 368 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:14,867 the extinction of the self. 369 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,243 MARGE: Here you go, Bart. 370 00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:19,079 A lumberjack's breakfast for my little golfer. 371 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:22,666 Mom, Bart is on a strict diet of complex carbohydrates. 372 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,418 Steak will make him logy. 373 00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:26,795 Well, what won't make him logy? 374 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,505 -Oatmeal. -Oatmeal? 375 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,549 Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats 376 00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:33,177 before he or she wins the Kentucky Derby. 377 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,928 News flash, Lisa. 378 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,680 Bart is not a horse. 379 00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:37,931 Eat your steak, boy. 380 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:52,404 ANNOUNCER (British accent): Good afternoon, everybody, 381 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,782 and welcome to the finale of what has already been 382 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:56,992 a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. 383 00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:00,037 The cream has risen. The wheat has bid farewell to the chaff. 384 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,916 And now we approach the championship match with but two warriors remaining: 385 00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,959 the heretofore unknown Bart Simpson 386 00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,878 and Todd Flanders, 387 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,839 one of the most skilled ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade. 388 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:14,009 Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, 389 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:17,971 I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound, but here goes. 390 00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:20,432 -I believe in you. -Thanks, man. 391 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,059 NED: Oh Lord, we beseech thee... 392 00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:23,602 Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. 393 00:18:23,685 --> 00:18:25,646 I already did the same thing 394 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:27,648 and we can't both win. 395 00:18:27,731 --> 00:18:30,651 Actually Simp-son, we were praying that no one gets hurt. 396 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:33,570 Oh, well, Flan-ders, it doesn't matter. 397 00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,864 This time tomorrow you'll be wearing high heels. 398 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,033 -No, you will. Afraid so. -Afraid not. Afraid not. 399 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,284 -Afraid so. -Afraid not, infinity. 400 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,953 -Afraid so, infinity plus one. -D'oh! 401 00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,997 ANNOUNCER: Young Flanders has the honor 402 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,833 and will tee off first. 403 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,422 It's got a chance. 404 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:53,507 -(ball clanking) -Yes, sir! 405 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,592 Oh, man. 406 00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:57,511 (exhaling) Tree falling in the woods. Tree falling in the woods. 407 00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,680 Tree falling in... 408 00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:06,186 -(ball clanking) -(crowd murmurs) 409 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,105 ANNOUNCER: And the battle is well and truly joined. 410 00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:09,106 Whoo-hoo-hoo! 411 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,024 Mercy is for the weak, Todd! 412 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,364 Yeah! 413 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:21,952 Yee-hee! 414 00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,543 Yeah! 415 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,421 Eee, eee... 416 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:36,425 D'oh! 417 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,928 ANNOUNCER: If one were to look up "courage" 418 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,388 in the Oxford English dictionary, 419 00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:43,056 one might very well come upon a photo 420 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:44,558 of these two gladiators. 421 00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:45,851 They approach the final hole in the shadow of 422 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,561 The Great Emancipator 423 00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,563 deadlocked at eight strokes on the happy side of par. 424 00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:51,481 Soon, one man will emerge triumphant. 425 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,442 He will drink naught but champagne 426 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:56,361 while his opponent tastes bitter defeat, in this oft-cruel game. 427 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,159 (crowd oohs) 428 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,496 It's okay, son. You can recover. 429 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:07,956 Come on, Bart. 430 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,458 Remember what Vince Lombardi said-- 431 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,793 "If you lose, you're out of the family." 432 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,420 -Homer! (smack) -Ow! 433 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:18,842 -(gasps) -(gasps) 434 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:20,302 (gasping) 435 00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:26,099 -Whew! -Whew! 436 00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:27,684 Neither man showing his best form. 437 00:20:27,768 --> 00:20:29,019 This sort of pressure can unhinge 438 00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:30,604 even the steeliest of competitors. 439 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,066 This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd? 440 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,984 Yeah. My knees are shaking 441 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,945 I got butterflies in my stomach, 442 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,572 but I guess this builds character. 443 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,241 Who wants to build character? 444 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,160 -Let's quit. -Okay. 445 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,162 We decided we're equally good. 446 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,122 We wanna call it a draw, man. 447 00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:51,166 -Hmm. -Hmm. 448 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:55,837 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a draw. 449 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,130 (crowd murmurs) 450 00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:58,882 Forgive an old Brit for crying, 451 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:00,968 but this is the most stirring display 452 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,303 of gallantry and sportsmanship 453 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,598 since Mountbatten gave Egypt back to the Punjabis. 454 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,100 Put her there, man. 455 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:09,351 Yeah, all right. 456 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,106 Well, Homer 457 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,941 our kids showed us something today, huh? 458 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:18,402 By working together, we can both be winners. 459 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,238 (chuckles) Thank heaven, neither of us has to go through 460 00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:22,781 with that silly wager. Put her there, pal. 461 00:21:22,864 --> 00:21:25,784 Oh, so you're going to welch on our bet? 462 00:21:25,867 --> 00:21:28,161 What are you talking about? Neither boy lost. 463 00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:29,997 I got it in right here in writing. 464 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,666 "The father of the boy who doesn't win 465 00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:35,210 has to mow the lawn in his wife's Sunday dress." 466 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,004 Yeah, but neith-- I mean we're both-- 467 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:38,755 I mean, you have to do it too. 468 00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:41,633 It's a small price to pay to see you humiliate yourself. 469 00:21:41,717 --> 00:21:44,845 ( whistles, jeers and laughter) 470 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,725 Hmm, my best dress. 471 00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:51,601 Why do I get the feeling that someday 472 00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:53,312 I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? 473 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:57,607 Listen to them laughing. This is so humiliating. 474 00:21:57,691 --> 00:21:58,984 I'm never gonna live this down. 475 00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:01,069 Damn Flanders. 476 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,238 You know, Simpson, I feel kind of silly, 477 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,073 but what the hay, you know? 478 00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,367 Kinda reminds me of my good ol' fraternity days. 479 00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:11,038 D'oh! Oh, my God! He's enjoying it. 480 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,249 (horn honks) 481 00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:16,585 ♪♪ 482 00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:01,922 Shh! 483 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,428 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.