1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,172 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:10,677 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:11,720 (screams) 4 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:28,653 Did you hear about Miss Hoover? 5 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:31,114 She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake. 6 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,116 I heard she fell down a well. 7 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,159 Ahh! 8 00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:36,369 -(sobbing) -Come on, now. 9 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,705 My God, she's been dumped again. 10 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:40,832 Children, I won't be staying long. 11 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:44,002 I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease. 12 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:45,754 Principal Skinner will run the class 13 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,547 until a substitute arrives. 14 00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:49,716 -What's lyme disease? -I'll field that one. 15 00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:53,136 Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called ticks. 16 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,221 When a diseased tick attaches itself to you 17 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,723 -and begins sucking your blood, -Ohh. 18 00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,767 malignant spirochetes infest your bloodstream, 19 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,686 eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. 20 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,063 The brain. Oh, dear God. 21 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:04,689 (class chatters) 22 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:07,025 Come on, Elizabeth. Come, come. 23 00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:09,611 Well now, children, here we are. 24 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,988 Open your primers to page 32. 25 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,364 Ah, subtraction. 26 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,617 (screaming from above) 27 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,286 Bart Simpson! I know it's you. 28 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:23,124 And here comes snowball two. This is the one we kept. 29 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,709 KIDS: Eww! 30 00:01:24,793 --> 00:01:25,835 We were gonna keep the gray one, but the mother ate her. 31 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,462 KIDS: Eww! 32 00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:28,838 Mrs. Krabappel, 33 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,715 he's traumatizing the children. 34 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,383 As usual, I agree with you, Martin. 35 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,135 Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately. 36 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,720 Oh look, this is really cool. 37 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:38,139 When you hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in. 38 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:39,849 (screaming) 39 00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,980 No, children, you're not seeing things. 40 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:48,608 This, my little friends, is a schwa. 41 00:01:48,691 --> 00:01:50,693 -(cap guns firing) -(cries ouit) 42 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,573 -Are you the substitute? -Yes, sir. 43 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,700 -Yes, I am. -Are you insane? 44 00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,744 No sir, no I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention. 45 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:02,205 Well, all right. Uh, play friendly 46 00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,415 with your new teacher, children. 47 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:07,877 Howdy. I am a Texas cowboy. The year is 1830. 48 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,671 You young'uns ask me any questions you like. 49 00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:12,382 Can we play kickball instead of science after lunch? 50 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,426 Kickball? Son, there ain't no kickball in 1830. 51 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,720 Any other questions? 52 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,639 Shoot, it's awfully quiet on the plains here. 53 00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:22,267 Well, how about this? Everybody? I want to see two eyes 54 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,811 on every single person staring right at me right now. 55 00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:26,980 There are three things wrong with my costume. 56 00:02:27,063 --> 00:02:31,025 Anybody names those three things will get my hat. 57 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,694 I believe I know the answer. 58 00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:35,321 -What's your name? -Lisa Simpson. 59 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,490 -Well, go ahead, Miss Simpson. -Um, one. 60 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,576 Your belt buckle says "State of Texas," 61 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,953 but Texas wasn't a state until 1845. 62 00:02:42,036 --> 00:02:44,122 -Very good. -Two. 63 00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:47,375 -The revolver wasn't invented until 1835. -That's excellent. 64 00:02:47,458 --> 00:02:49,335 Three. You seem to be of the Jewish faith. 65 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:50,211 Are you sure I'm Jewish? 66 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,462 -Or Italian. -I'm Jewish. 67 00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:52,964 And there weren't any Jewish cowboys. 68 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,049 Very good. That's excellent. 69 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,801 I'm also wearing a digital watch, but I'll accept that. 70 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,803 Here you go, little lady. And for the record, 71 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:01,139 there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. 72 00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,766 Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely. 73 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:07,061 I'm Mr. Bergstrom. Feel free to make fun of my name if you want. 74 00:03:07,145 --> 00:03:08,646 Two suggestions are "Mr. Nerdstrom" 75 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,648 and "Mr. Booger-strom." 76 00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,734 (class laughing) 77 00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:16,863 Boys and girls, today we will begin selecting a class president. 78 00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:18,531 I'm not allowed to vote, 79 00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,825 but I strongly suggest you elect Martin. Martin? 80 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,660 As your president, 81 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,788 I would demand a science fiction library 82 00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,876 featuring an A-B-C of the overlords of the genre: 83 00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:32,712 Asimov, Bester, Clarke... 84 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:35,089 -What about Ray Bradbury? -I'm aware of his work. 85 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:40,011 Thank you, and keep watching the skies! 86 00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,972 Excellent! Excellent! Martin! 87 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,891 If you're through with your pemmican, 88 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:48,102 why don't we sing a song about cowboys? 89 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:49,687 Now, this one's not very accurate, 90 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,065 but we can fix it up as we go along. Okay? 91 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:56,986 ♪ Home, home on the range ♪ 92 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,155 (quietly) Actually, the range was far from home. 93 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,657 It was a very desolate place 94 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:03,326 where danger and disease rode tall in the saddle. 95 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:08,706 ♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪ 96 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,833 (whispering) But unlike the efficient Indians, 97 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:12,710 cowboys used only the tongue of the antelope, 98 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,337 and they threw the rest away. 99 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:17,382 ♪ Where seldom is heard ♪ 100 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:20,635 -♪ A discouraging word ♪ - (giggling) 101 00:04:20,718 --> 00:04:26,557 ♪ And the skies are not cloudy all day. ♪ 102 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,852 Hey, what's this? Did you do it? 103 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,313 No, it wasn't me. I would never do anything like that. 104 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,565 It was just one of those immature people who, instead of building themselves up-- 105 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,317 It's neat. Can I have it? 106 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,735 Yes, but I didn't do it. 107 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,404 Are you sure you didn't? It's good. 108 00:04:39,487 --> 00:04:41,906 No, but I'm starting to wish I had. 109 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,908 (chuckles) Ladies and gentlemen: The Singing Dork. 110 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:47,161 (whispering) Lisa. 111 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,455 (snickering) 112 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:50,748 Any other nominations? 113 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,709 TOGETHER: We nominate Bart Simpson. 114 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,585 Speech! Speech! 115 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:56,587 I had a speech ready, but my dog ate it. 116 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,423 -(kids laughing) -Children! 117 00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:01,259 Good. Bart, I need someone very reliable 118 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:04,470 to deliver an important message to the principal's office. 119 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,514 -Would you do it for me? -Why Mrs. Krabappel, 120 00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:09,017 how would I know where the principal's office is? 121 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:12,103 -(laughing) -(clapping and cheering) 122 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:15,356 People, what have I told you about encouraging him? 123 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,443 When Bart wins approval for making a fool of himself, it makes him think that-- 124 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:21,070 -Yay, Bart! -(hysterical laughing ) 125 00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,323 (chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 126 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:26,159 Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! 127 00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:28,119 "Nobody... 128 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:31,998 "of the hundreds of people that had visited the fair 129 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:35,168 "knew that a gray spider 130 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:38,546 "had played the most important part of all. 131 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:42,592 No one was with her when she died." 132 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:46,471 (crying) 133 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:49,390 Come on, Janey! Everybody has a talent. 134 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,309 I want to see yours. That's all. 135 00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:53,686 -I don't have a talent. -You can not talk like that. 136 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,981 There has to be something that you can do better than anybody else. 137 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,650 Well, I can do this. 138 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,444 Yes! Great. 139 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,654 Okay. How about you, Ralph? 140 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:05,698 Wonderful! Chuck. 141 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,869 Oh, that's disgusting. I love it. 142 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,954 Lisa! Come on, you're holding out on us. 143 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,332 -I see a saxophone over there. -I can't. 144 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,167 Come on, Lisa. I bet you're good. 145 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,293 No, really, I can't. 146 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,961 Sure, you can. Just try. 147 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,421 Please don't make me do it. 148 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,256 All right, you owe me something special. 149 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:23,883 (bell ringing) 150 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:25,593 (laughing and chattering) 151 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:30,807 So... while I'm technically still married, 152 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,850 there really hasn't been any marriage to speak of 153 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:36,521 since Mister Krabappel moved into his little love nest. 154 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,565 This profession can put a lot of strain on a marriage. 155 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,067 Since he's been gone, 156 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:43,027 I've been looking for a substitute 157 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,655 to teach me a lesson I sorely need. 158 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,366 Mrs. Krabappel, you're trying to seduce me. 159 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:49,826 (chuckles) Well? 160 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,828 I'm sorry, Mrs. Krabappel. 161 00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:54,997 You're very nice, but it's the children I love. 162 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,624 (sighing) 163 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,167 Oh... 164 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:04,090 (saxophone playing the blues) 165 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,276 When I fall asleep, 166 00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:25,069 Mr. Bergstrom is the last thing I think of. 167 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,904 And he's my first thought when I wake up. 168 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:28,823 I feel that way about your father. 169 00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:30,783 No, no. You don't understand. 170 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:33,786 When Mr. Bergstrom smiles, you only see these teeth. 171 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,997 But when you really make him laugh, you can see these two teeth. 172 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,748 I think they're called the eye teeth? 173 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,917 I don't know if he had orthodontic work or what, 174 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,586 but they're absolutely perfect. 175 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:44,338 I notice little things about your father too. 176 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,674 No, Mom. This is different. 177 00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:49,177 I mean, this man makes you feel like there's nobody better. 178 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:51,053 Your father does that to me. 179 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,264 Mom, are we going to talk, or are we going to talk? 180 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:55,933 Lisa, we can talk, but first you have to accept the fact 181 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,603 -that I feel that way about your father. -Fine. 182 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,230 Yesterday he read us "Charlotte's Web" 183 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,983 and cried at the end, never trying to hide his tears. 184 00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:08,112 -(laughing) -(laughing) 185 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:10,239 A book made him cry? 186 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,450 -Boo-hoo! -Waaaah! 187 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:14,744 (groaning) 188 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:17,705 Mr. Bergstrom: Remember, nobody, and I mean nobody 189 00:08:17,788 --> 00:08:20,166 gets back in after lunch without one igneous rock-- 190 00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:21,792 that's volcanic-- 191 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,544 and one sedimentary, and that is layered. 192 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,171 Lisa, can I see you for a minute? 193 00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,423 Yes! Yes, Mr. Bergstrom? 194 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:30,218 Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? 195 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,303 Does your father help you with it? 196 00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,639 No. Homework's not my father's specialty. 197 00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:36,224 Well, there's no shame in it. I mean, my Dad-- 198 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:37,767 -Not mine. -You didn't let me finish. 199 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,101 Unless the next word was "burp, " 200 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,187 you didn't have to. 201 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:44,106 In a sample taken in this very classroom, 202 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:49,153 a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos! 203 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:52,323 That's not enough. We demand more asbestos. 204 00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,367 More asbestos! More asbestos! 205 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,452 (kids chanting) More asbestos! More asbestos! 206 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,955 (camera shutter clicks) 207 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,582 Wow! You made the front page. 208 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,459 Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest. 209 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,920 Just a popularity contest? 210 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:08,839 Excuse me, what's more important than popularity? 211 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,342 Now, Bart, do you really think you can win? 212 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,386 -Sure. Why not? -Whoo-whoo! 213 00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:15,721 All right. I always knew you had personality. 214 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:18,391 The doctor said it was hyperactivity but I knew better. 215 00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:20,351 President Simpson. 216 00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:23,187 Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it, boy? 217 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,522 Hmm... yeah. 218 00:09:24,605 --> 00:09:27,733 -Now, go get 'em! -(growling) 219 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,111 He says there aren't any easy answers. 220 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,947 I say he's not looking hard enough! 221 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:36,659 (kids cheering) 222 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,537 (kids chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 223 00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:47,545 (laughing) 224 00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:49,589 (cheering) 225 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:52,967 (kids chanting) Bart! Bart! Bart! Bart! 226 00:09:59,223 --> 00:10:00,766 (kids cheering) 227 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,768 (sighs) Oh, you'll never go broke 228 00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,437 appealing to the lowest common denominator. 229 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,147 You're gonna miss your brother's antics. 230 00:10:06,230 --> 00:10:08,149 -When? -When? When your life takes you places 231 00:10:08,232 --> 00:10:10,401 the rest of us have only heard about. 232 00:10:10,484 --> 00:10:12,737 Places where my intelligence will be an asset and not a liability? 233 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:15,615 Yes. There is such a place. Believe me, it's true. 234 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,366 I believe everything you say 235 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,493 with your words, your body language, 236 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,412 and your Semitic good looks. 237 00:10:21,495 --> 00:10:24,498 "Dear Miss Hoover, You have lyme disease. 238 00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,916 "We miss you. 239 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,126 "Kevin's biting me. 240 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:28,419 "Come back soon. 241 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,504 "Here is a drawing of a spirochete. 242 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:33,049 -Love, Ralph." -Oh, that's great, Ralph. 243 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,800 -(bell ringing) -Hey, kids! 244 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,260 I've learned that in two weeks, 245 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,845 the Springfield Museum of Natural History 246 00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:41,307 will be closing forever due to a lack of interest. 247 00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,934 I urge you to see it while you can. 248 00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:45,353 (slurping) 249 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:49,357 Hmm. Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, 250 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:51,233 and I think you should take her. 251 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,319 -The museum? Tomorrow? -Mm-hmm. 252 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:57,448 Oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning on... 253 00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,825 (thinking) Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? 254 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,328 Watching TV? Spending time with the boy! 255 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,789 Spending time with the boy. The boy needs attention, Marge. 256 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,791 Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, 257 00:11:06,874 --> 00:11:08,209 and I'm concerned about your relationship with her. 258 00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:09,669 Me, too, Mom. 259 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,337 -I think they're drifting apart. -Shut up, boy. 260 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:14,298 -Homer, please! -Marge, you don't understand. 261 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,676 I can't do it because-- You're trapped. 262 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,469 If you were smarter, you might think of something. 263 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,596 But you're not. So you just might as well-- 264 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,723 All right, all right, I'll take her. 265 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,393 Lousy brain. 266 00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:29,772 Hey, what do you mean by "suggested donation"? 267 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,565 Pay any amount you wish, sir. 268 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:34,151 And what if I wish to pay zero? 269 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,778 (chuckles) Well, it's up to you. 270 00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,947 Ooh, so it's up to me, is it? 271 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:39,740 -Yes. -I see. 272 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,869 And you think that people are gonna pay you $4.50 273 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,413 even though they don't have to 274 00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:47,081 just out of the goodness of their-- 275 00:11:47,164 --> 00:11:50,543 (laughing) Well, anything you say. 276 00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:51,961 Good luck, lady. 277 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:53,129 You're going to need it. 278 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,673 -Mr. Bergstrom! -Hi, Lisa. 279 00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:58,050 Hey! you don't have to pay. Read the sign. 280 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,761 -And this must be your father. -(sighs) 281 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,514 His teeth had jagged edges to rip through your body, 282 00:12:03,597 --> 00:12:05,349 but he could've swallowed you whole. 283 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,727 -Wow! -Actually, Mr. Simpson, 284 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,730 they do know a great deal about the process of mummification. 285 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,566 First they pulled the brain out through the nose with an iron hook. 286 00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,317 then stuffed the insides with sawdust and onions. 287 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:18,195 -Eww! Gross! -Ooh! Pretty creepy. 288 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,698 Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than The Wolfman. 289 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,116 Oh, Lord. 290 00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,959 Mr. Simpson, I am going to be presumptuous. 291 00:12:32,042 --> 00:12:33,878 I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel 292 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:35,796 she has no strong male role model. 293 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,674 -She said that? -Well, no, she didn't say it, 294 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,968 -but, you know, she-- -But you can tell, right? 295 00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:43,971 She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, 296 00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:46,056 youthful looks, and a clean credit record 297 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:48,517 and thinks, "Why me? What did I do to deserve 298 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,269 -this fat, old piece of-- -Mr. Simpson, 299 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:51,979 you have got to be a bigger man. 300 00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:54,398 There is a wonderful girl's future at stake. 301 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,442 Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an "A." 302 00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:57,777 I am giving her an "A." 303 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:59,945 Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it. 304 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,822 Mr. Simpson, she did earn it! 305 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,784 You are smooth. I'll give you that. 306 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,956 He ruined the one chance I had of getting 307 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,626 to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school. 308 00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:16,128 Well, I'll tell you what. 309 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,214 Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner? 310 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,674 Oh, Mom, that's wonderful! 311 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:21,884 Can I find out his favorite dish 312 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:23,177 -and help you make it? -Sure! 313 00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:24,428 -Can I wear your jewelry? -Sure! 314 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,513 -Can I get my ears pierced? -No. 315 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,722 -Can I dye my shoes pink? -Yes. 316 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:27,932 -Can I paint my nails? -No. 317 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,226 -Can we have wine? Can I have wine? -Yes. No. 318 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,393 - Does Bart have to be there? - Yes. 319 00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,020 Can we do it this week? 320 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:35,356 "Mr. Bergstrom, May we request the pleasure 321 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,733 of your company..." No. 322 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,401 "Mr. Bergstrom, if you're not doing anything 323 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,278 this Friday..." No. 324 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,739 "Mr. Bergstrom, Do you like pork chops?" 325 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,116 Oh, no, of course you wouldn't. 326 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,536 (gasps) 327 00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:51,163 Good morning, Lisa. I'm back. 328 00:13:57,127 --> 00:14:00,047 You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be... 329 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,758 ahem, psy-cho-somatic. 330 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,260 Does that mean you're crazy? 331 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,761 No, that means she was faking it. 332 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,680 No, actually, it was a little of both. 333 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:10,474 Sometimes, when a disease is in all the magazines 334 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,184 and on all the news shows, 335 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,520 it's only natural that you think you have it. 336 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,730 -Where's Mr. Bergstrom? -I don't know. 337 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:19,066 Although I'd sure like to talk to him. 338 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:22,945 He didn't touch my lesson plan. What did he teach you? 339 00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,281 That life is worth living. (gasps) 340 00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,074 (crying) 341 00:14:27,157 --> 00:14:29,785 The polls will be open from now until the end of recess. 342 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,956 Now, just in case any of you have decided to put any thought into this, 343 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,125 we'll have our final statements. 344 00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,209 Martin? 345 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:40,337 I don't think there's anything left to say. 346 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,381 -Bart? -Victory party under the slide! 347 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,383 (cheering) 348 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:47,595 (buzzing) 349 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:50,431 Mr. Bergstrom! 350 00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:52,141 Mr. Bergstrom! 351 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:54,476 Hey! Hey! He moved out this morning. 352 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,313 He must have a new job-- He took his Copernicus costume. 353 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,398 Do you know where I can find him? 354 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:01,817 Uh, I think he's taking the next train to Capital City. 355 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,194 The train, how like him. 356 00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:06,989 Traditional, yet environmentally sound. 357 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,658 Yes, and it's been the backbone of our country 358 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:13,954 since Leland Stanford drove that golden spike at Promontory Point. 359 00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:17,291 -I see he touched you too. -(both sigh) 360 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:20,628 -Thanks for your vote, man. -I didn't vote. Voting's for geeks. 361 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,588 Well, you got that right. 362 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,465 Thanks for your vote, girls. 363 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:25,841 BOTH: We forgot. 364 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,051 Well, don't sweat it. 365 00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:28,177 Just so long as a couple of people did. 366 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,678 -Right, Milhouse? -Uh-uh. 367 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,263 -Lewis? -No. 368 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,849 -Somebody must have voted. -What about you, Bart? 369 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,268 -Didn't you vote? -Uh-oh. 370 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,063 -(school bell) -(screaming) 371 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:42,524 (cheering) 372 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,818 I demand a recount. 373 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,695 One for Martin. Two for Martin. 374 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,822 -Would you like another recount? -No. 375 00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,783 Well, I just wanna make sure. 376 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,662 One for Martin. Two for Martin. (chuckles) 377 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:55,663 This way, Mr. President. 378 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,461 MAN (on P.A.): Now boarding on track five... 379 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,421 Mr. Bergstrom! 380 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,090 Hey, Mr. Bergstrom! 381 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,509 Hey! Lisa! 382 00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,344 Hey, Lisa, indeed. 383 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,554 What? What is it? 384 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,682 Oh, I mean... 385 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,685 Were you just going to leave, just like that? 386 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,520 Aw, I'm sorry, Lisa. 387 00:16:19,603 --> 00:16:22,773 You know, it's the life of the substitute teacher. 388 00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:24,024 He's a fraud. 389 00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,943 Today he might be wearing gym shorts, 390 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,196 tomorrow he's speaking French or pretending 391 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,948 to know how to run a band saw, 392 00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:33,200 -or God knows what. -You can't go. 393 00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:35,202 You're the best teacher I'll ever have. 394 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,705 Aw, that's not true. Other teachers will come along. 395 00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:40,874 -Oh, please! -No, I can't lie to you, I am the best, 396 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,711 but, you know, they need me over in the projects of Capital City. 397 00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:46,171 (nearly whispering) But I need you too. 398 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,133 That's the problem with being middle class. 399 00:16:49,216 --> 00:16:50,801 Anybody who really cares will abandon you 400 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,052 for those who need it more. 401 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:56,098 I... I understand. 402 00:16:56,181 --> 00:17:00,352 Mr. Bergstrom, I'm going to miss you. 403 00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,439 I'll tell you what. 404 00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,442 Whenever you feel like you're alone 405 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,652 and there's nobody you can rely on, 406 00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:11,363 this is all you need to know. 407 00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,574 Thank you, Mr. Bergstrom. 408 00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:14,700 MAN: All aboard! 409 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,244 So, I guess this is it. 410 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:19,121 If you don't mind, 411 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,999 I'll just run alongside the train 412 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:24,418 as it speeds you from my life. 413 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:38,140 Good-bye, Lisa honey. 414 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:42,728 It'll be okay. Just read the note! 415 00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,605 (train whistle blows) 416 00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:51,361 HOMER: Bart didn't get one vote? 417 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:54,823 Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us. 418 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,325 All right, all right, 419 00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:58,202 spilt milk, spilt milk, spilt milk. 420 00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,496 -What are you so mopey about? -Nothing. 421 00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,748 Lisa, tell your father. 422 00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:04,792 Mr. Bergstrom left today. 423 00:18:04,875 --> 00:18:07,336 -Oh? -He's gone forever. 424 00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:10,172 -And? -I didn't think you'd understand. 425 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:14,968 Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. 426 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,763 I'm glad I'm not crying, 427 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,431 because I would hate for you to think 428 00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:23,060 that what I'm about to say is based on emotion. 429 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:25,437 -But you, sir-- -Huh? 430 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,190 -...are a baboon! -(gasps) Me? 431 00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:31,276 Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! 432 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,862 I don't think you realize what you're saying. 433 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,115 (screaming) Baboon! 434 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:38,784 -(crying) -Whoa. 435 00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,452 Somebody was bound to say it one day. 436 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,411 I just can't believe it was her. 437 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,080 Did you hear that, Marge? 438 00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:45,332 She called me a baboon! 439 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:48,627 The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all. 440 00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,588 Homer, you're not allowed to have hurt feelings right now. 441 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,966 There's a little girl upstairs who needs you. 442 00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,301 Her confidence in her father is shaken, 443 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,805 and no little girl can be happy unless she has faith in her daddy. 444 00:18:59,888 --> 00:19:01,890 (groans) 445 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,810 Oh. 446 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:07,729 (reading) "Go away." 447 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,064 (sobbing) 448 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,109 Lisa, don't hold anything back. 449 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:14,111 You can tell me. 450 00:19:14,194 --> 00:19:17,573 Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon? 451 00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,324 -No! -Nuts. 452 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,909 D'oh! 453 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:24,246 -This isn't going well at all. -Look! 454 00:19:24,329 --> 00:19:26,582 -If you just want me to forgive you-- -No, no, no. 455 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,917 I just wish I knew what to say. 456 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,378 (melancholy music playing) 457 00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:34,006 Although, maybe this music will help. 458 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:37,426 Now, you lost someone special, and it hurts. 459 00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:41,054 I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. 460 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:44,099 Everyone special to me is under this roof. 461 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,018 -Oh... -It's true. 462 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:49,980 Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. 463 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:53,150 There's probably someplace where they all get together, 464 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,695 and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. 465 00:19:56,778 --> 00:20:01,158 Oh, well, maybe I can't explain all this, 466 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,202 but I can fix your dollhouse for you. 467 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:06,705 At least I'm good at monkey work. 468 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,582 You know? Monkey? 469 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:10,834 -You know what I mean? -Yeah. 470 00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,003 Bet I can hold these nails in place with my tail. 471 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:16,465 -(both chuckle) -(imitating monkey) 472 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:19,176 (laughing) 473 00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,677 You're so silly. 474 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,722 -Give me a banana. -I don't have any bananas. 475 00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,641 Come on, you're holding out on me. 476 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,768 (both laughing) 477 00:20:30,270 --> 00:20:32,689 I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad. 478 00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,066 Think nothing of it. 479 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:38,403 BART: President prince, president princess, 480 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:39,863 president priss... 481 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,076 Hey, what's the matter, son? 482 00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,744 Aw, Dad... 483 00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:48,914 If just me, Milhouse, and Louis had voted. 484 00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,541 Hey, son, would you have gotten 485 00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,877 any money for being class president? 486 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:56,046 -No. -Would you have to do extra work? 487 00:20:56,129 --> 00:20:58,298 -Yeah. -And, is this Martin guy 488 00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,050 going to get to do anything neat, 489 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:03,303 like throw out the first ball at the World Series? Huh? 490 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:06,890 -Well, no. -So let the baby have his bottle, huh? 491 00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:10,894 -That's my motto. -(both laughing) 492 00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:13,397 Hey, thanks, monkey man. 493 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,902 Holy moly, talk about parenting. 494 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:21,488 -(fussing) -Uh-oh. 495 00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:26,285 Sleep well, Maggie. 496 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:29,037 Ah. Three for three. 497 00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:32,249 Homey, did you straighten everything out? 498 00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:33,750 Ah, bup, bup, bup, bup! 499 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,961 Don't say anything, Marge. 500 00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:37,170 Let's just go to bed. 501 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:40,674 I'm on the biggest roll of my life. 502 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,301 (switch clicks) 503 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,597 ♪♪ 504 00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:50,410 Shh! 505 00:22:53,914 --> 00:22:56,833 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.