1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,011 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,472 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,894 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,407 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,742 (tires screech) 7 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,995 D'oh! 8 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,289 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:56,514 I hold in my hand the final ax. 10 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:57,557 (kids cheering) 11 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:03,605 (grunts) 12 00:01:03,688 --> 00:01:05,231 Ah, heh... 13 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,233 (laughing) 14 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,569 Well, kids, that's all the time we have for today. 15 00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:10,904 I'd like to thank Sideshow Mel, 16 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:13,239 Corporal Punishment, Tina Ballerina, 17 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,159 oh, and from Knots Landing, Miss Donna Mills. 18 00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:17,660 Oh, she was a sport. 19 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,370 ♪ We've had lots and lots ♪ 20 00:01:19,454 --> 00:01:21,915 ♪ and lots and lots and lots of fun ♪ 21 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:26,711 ♪ But now the time has come... to go ♪ 22 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,880 ♪ If this old clown was found dead in his bed ♪ 23 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,174 ♪ Tomorrow I'd be in heaven ♪ 24 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:34,594 ♪ Still doing this show ♪ 25 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:36,513 See you some other time! 26 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,014 (laughing) 27 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,015 (cheering) 28 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,934 (groans) 29 00:01:41,017 --> 00:01:41,935 Great show, Krusty. 30 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:43,937 I really laughed when you-- 31 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,564 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's my nicotine gum? 32 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:47,982 Ah, that's the stuff! 33 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:49,359 Damn, I'm exhausted. 34 00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:50,944 Those kids were like ice out there. 35 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:52,946 You've got a 4:30 merchandising meeting. 36 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,155 -Cancel it! -Therapist? 37 00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,990 -Cancel it! -Personal trainer? 38 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,826 -Cancel it! -The opening line on the Giants is 5 1/2. 39 00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,119 Put a dime on it. 40 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,453 "Thank you" dinner with Bart Simpson? 41 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:01,955 I don't know any Bart Simpson. 42 00:02:02,038 --> 00:02:05,458 Krusty, he's the boy who saved you from jail. 43 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:10,255 Well, we made a terrible, terrible mistake. 44 00:02:10,338 --> 00:02:12,715 Uh... won't happen again. 45 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:16,094 Well, there was one boy who trusted me all along. 46 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:17,262 -Bart? -Yes, sir? 47 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:18,555 Thank you. 48 00:02:18,638 --> 00:02:20,682 Oh, yeah. 49 00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:22,392 Cancel it! 50 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,731 (phone ringing) 51 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,733 -Hello? -Mrs. Simpson? 52 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,110 This is Lois Pennycandy, 53 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,611 Krusty the Clown's executive assistant. 54 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,363 Oh, hello, Mrs. Pennycandy. 55 00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:37,824 (sighs) It's Miss Pennycandy, I can assure you. 56 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,951 I'm sorry to inform you 57 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:42,245 that Krusty will once again, not be joining Bart for dinner. 58 00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:44,706 Oh, dear, this is the fifth time he's cancelled. 59 00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:47,625 How can he hurt someone who loves him so? 60 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,252 Oh, Mrs. Simpson, 61 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:52,630 I've wasted my womanhood asking that same question. 62 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,340 I apologize for him. 63 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,885 Something really important came up at the last minute. 64 00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,970 Lousy mildew! 65 00:02:59,053 --> 00:03:01,347 (grumbles) 66 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:02,724 That's good enough. 67 00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:05,268 Well, thank you for calling. Good-bye. 68 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,437 (groans) 69 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,190 Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you down for? 70 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,108 -A hundred. -Consider it done. 71 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,694 ♪ You're walkin' along the street ♪ 72 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,487 ♪ Or you're at a party ♪ 73 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,989 ♪ Or else you're alone ♪ 74 00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:20,491 ♪ And then you suddenly dig, dig, dig ♪ 75 00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:24,954 ♪ This could be the start of something big ♪ 76 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,331 Sweetie, I'm sorry 77 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,459 but Krusty isn't coming to dinner again. 78 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:30,710 Oh, man. 79 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:36,633 "Dear Krusty, This is Bart Simpson, 80 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:39,052 "Krusty Buddy number 16302 81 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:43,097 "respectfully returning his badge. 82 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,434 "I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. 83 00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,937 "Now I know for sure. 84 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,732 Get bent. Bart Simpson." 85 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,692 Ooh, sex-chat! 86 00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,156 WOMAN: You've reached the party line. 87 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,408 In a moment, you'll be connected to a hot party 88 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,994 with some of the world's most beautiful women. 89 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,454 Now let's join the party. 90 00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:07,455 Hello? 91 00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:08,456 Hello? 92 00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:09,582 Hello? 93 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,167 Are there any women here? 94 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,210 Hello?! 95 00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:13,586 Are you a beautiful woman? 96 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,129 Do I sound like a beautiful woman?! 97 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:17,131 This is not as hot a party as I had anticipated. 98 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:19,842 Read this! 99 00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,844 Uh... I, um... 100 00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:24,222 uh... uh... 101 00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,474 "Dee..." uh... 102 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:27,558 "deee..." 103 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,559 "Dear... 104 00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,103 "Krus-s-s-t... 105 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,105 Why..?" 106 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:33,564 It says that the little boy 107 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,942 who never lost faith in you has lost faith in you. 108 00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:38,653 Krusty, you are going to Bart Simpson's house for dinner tonight! 109 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,863 But I have plans. Hey! Not the face! 110 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:44,367 Why, you maddening, impossible man! 111 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,743 If you don't go tonight, 112 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,787 I won't be here tomorrow. 113 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:48,830 Oh, all right, I'll go. 114 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:50,915 Oh, Krusty! 115 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,710 But I sure hate missing Schnapps Night at the Friar's Club. 116 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,753 Bart, wipe your feet. 117 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,130 Why bother? 118 00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:59,173 They'll just get dirty again. 119 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,633 I've got some good news. 120 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:03,094 Krusty the Clown is coming to dinner tonight. 121 00:05:03,177 --> 00:05:05,430 -He is? For sure? -Yes. 122 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,598 God bless that clown. 123 00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:11,519 -(rhythmic knocking) -(horn honks) 124 00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,646 -(Krusty laughing) -You think it's him? 125 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:16,232 Hi, kids! 126 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,527 Hey, hey! 127 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,695 (laughs) 128 00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:23,614 -Cute kid. -(doorbell rings) 129 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,533 Oh, hi, Bart. 130 00:05:25,616 --> 00:05:27,785 I was just in the neighborhood-- 131 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,121 What? Krusty the Clown! 132 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:31,539 What a surprise! 133 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,542 Milhouse, you can come in, and drop the charade. 134 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,502 -Whoa! -(laughing) 135 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:39,088 BART: Krusty, you don't have to be on tonight. 136 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:40,465 What are you talking about? 137 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:41,674 Of course, he does. 138 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,009 No, Dad. Krusty is our guest. 139 00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,553 Your pratfalls and Punchinello antics 140 00:05:45,636 --> 00:05:47,096 aren't necessary here. 141 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,473 Really? 142 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,391 Yeah. Just relax and be yourself. 143 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,976 Oh, that's a relief. 144 00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,773 -(screeches) -Go wait in the car. 145 00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,025 (hooting) 146 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,527 Aw! We could have seen a monkey. 147 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,571 Who wants to say grace? 148 00:06:03,654 --> 00:06:05,239 Why don't we let our guest do it. 149 00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:07,075 Bless us, oh, Lord-- 150 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:08,326 Hey! 151 00:06:08,409 --> 00:06:09,827 Krusty, would you do the honors? 152 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,454 Well, all right. 153 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,874 I'm a little rusty, but, um... I'll try. 154 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:16,918 Baruch ata adonai 155 00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,920 eloheinu melech ha-olam 156 00:06:19,003 --> 00:06:21,297 ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz. 157 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,423 (laughs) 158 00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,050 He's talking funny talk. 159 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,052 No, Dad, that's Hebrew. 160 00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:27,637 Krusty must be Jewish. 161 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,264 A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here! 162 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,934 Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers 163 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:36,479 including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, 164 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,522 and Mel Brooks. 165 00:06:37,605 --> 00:06:39,148 Mel Brooks is Jewish?! 166 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,151 (crying) 167 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,986 Krusty, are you all right? 168 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,239 Yes, it's just that saying the Brucha brings back 169 00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:48,658 a lot of painful memories. 170 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,284 The old days... 171 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,829 my-- my father. 172 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,872 Hey, Krusty, you going to finish 173 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,666 that meat loaf, or what? 174 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,710 (sobbing) 175 00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:04,382 (sobbing) 176 00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,883 Poor Krusty. 177 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,678 He's like a black velvet painting come to life. 178 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,096 Krusty, why don't you tell us what's wrong? 179 00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,597 You'll feel better. 180 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:13,599 -Yeah, spill your guts, man. -Yeah, yeah, come on. 181 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:14,851 Krusty, tell us. 182 00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,060 Well, okay. 183 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,520 First of all, 184 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,897 my real name isn't Krusty the Clown. 185 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:21,941 It's Herschel Krustofski. 186 00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:23,734 My father was a rabbi. 187 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,571 His father was a rabbi. 188 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,114 His father's father-- Well, you get the idea. 189 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,367 My father was the most respected man 190 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,244 in the lower east side of Springfield. 191 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,455 People would come from miles around 192 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,748 to ask his advice. 193 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:40,334 Reb Krustofski, should I finish college? 194 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:43,754 Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. 195 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,965 Rabbi, should I have another child? 196 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:49,093 Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house. 197 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,471 Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? 198 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:55,349 Could you rephrase that as an ethical question? 199 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,894 Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler? 200 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,814 Yes-- for great is the car with power steering 201 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,857 and Dyna-Flo suspension. 202 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:04,150 Papa? 203 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,402 When I grow up, can I be a clown? 204 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,238 No! A clown is not respected member of the community. 205 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:10,740 But I wanna make people laugh. 206 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:13,451 Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. 207 00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:16,287 Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. 208 00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:18,372 Pie is for noshing, not for throwing. 209 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:19,665 -But, Papa-- -But nothing! 210 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,083 You'll do as I say 211 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,710 or you'll get such a zetz 212 00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:25,129 that you won't even know what hit you. 213 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,298 Dad wanted me to follow in his footsteps, 214 00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:30,009 but the pull of clowning was too strong. 215 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,721 I got my first big laughs at Yeshiva 216 00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:35,640 impersonating my father. 217 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:38,267 Blah, blah, blah... Moses! Blah, blah, blah... 218 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,353 (laughing) 219 00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,355 (children gasping) 220 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:44,273 (choking) 221 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:47,944 Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. 222 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,445 Don't worry. 223 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,613 I don't even like using the bathroom after you. 224 00:08:50,696 --> 00:08:52,990 Why, you little--! 225 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:54,325 Krusty, please continue. 226 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:56,035 Okay. 227 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:58,746 My father tried to extinguish the comedy bug, 228 00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:00,456 but it was no use. 229 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,958 What are you doing in that bathroom? 230 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,042 Go away. 231 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,210 Open the door this instant! 232 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,422 -Oy, gevalt! -Close the door! 233 00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:11,509 Then came my big break. 234 00:09:11,592 --> 00:09:13,261 A Talmudic conference in the Catskills, 235 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,720 and I was the entertainment. 236 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:16,722 (applause) 237 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:18,891 But the Lord works in mysterious ways. 238 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,017 (oohs and ahhs) 239 00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:21,310 (gasps) 240 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,771 Do you know that my son, Herschel, 241 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,064 was first in his Yeshiva class. 242 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,274 As a matter of fact, he was voted 243 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:28,192 the most likely to hear God. 244 00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,403 Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again. 245 00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:31,654 You're so proud of your son. 246 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:33,447 A rabbi would never exaggerate. 247 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:35,741 A rabbi composes. He creates thoughts. 248 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,868 He tells stories that may never have happened, 249 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,370 but he does not exaggerate. 250 00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:41,330 My father would have never suspected a thing 251 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,166 were it not for one, rowdy rabbi. 252 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,460 Hey, funny man! 253 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,170 No, no, no! 254 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,880 (crowd laughing) 255 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,009 Herschel? 256 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:54,885 Herschel, oy vey iz mir! 257 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,430 You have brought shame on our family. 258 00:09:57,513 --> 00:09:59,599 If you were a musician or a jazz singer 259 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,143 this I could forgive, but this? 260 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:03,853 I never want to see you again... 261 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,105 you-- you clown! 262 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,027 (sobbing) 263 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,404 I haven't seen my father since. 264 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,114 That is so sad. 265 00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,699 Krusty, do you think about your father a lot? 266 00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:18,618 All the time. 267 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:20,369 Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business. 268 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,960 KRUSTY: Oh, look... 269 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,796 Aww... hmm. 270 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,132 Oh, look at you, Bart. 271 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,468 Oh, isn't that fun! 272 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:38,054 Ooh, hey! Whoa! 273 00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:40,139 Oh, Fourth of July. 274 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:43,225 I can't believe that little boy in the pictures is you, Bart. 275 00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,646 Yeah. I got a lot of fond memories. 276 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:50,650 Well, look at the time. Almost midnight. 277 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,401 Do you have any yearbooks? 278 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,986 No, that's it. You've seen everything. 279 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,656 So, Milhouse, know any "knock, knock" jokes? 280 00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:57,657 (crying) 281 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,825 I want to go home. 282 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,953 Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home. 283 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:04,288 Gladly. 284 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,252 Wow! The Concert For Bangladesh. 285 00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,632 BART: Good night, Krusty. 286 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:16,175 Sorry about your Dad. 287 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:19,345 Don't worry about me-- I'm a survivor. 288 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,429 Hey, did I leave my keys inside? 289 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,472 ALL: No! 290 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:23,015 Oh, yeah. Here they are. 291 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,101 (laughing) Ehh... 292 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:38,322 KRUSTY: Hmm... ah... uh... ohh! 293 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,615 (gasps) 294 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,325 (groans) 295 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,577 (crying) 296 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,498 ANNOUNCER: Academy Award Playhouse 297 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,166 now returns you to 298 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:50,710 "Hercules Versus the Martians." 299 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,882 MAN: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Heh-heh. 300 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,553 (phone ringing) 301 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:03,639 Hello? Hello?! Anybody there? 302 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,224 What's this? I hear a phone ring, 303 00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:06,767 and all of a sudden, there's nothing. 304 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:08,227 I'm listening, and there's no talking. 305 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,104 Hello. Mister? Who are ya'? 306 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:11,731 Why would they call ya if they don't want to talk to ya? 307 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:12,982 (sigh) 308 00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,942 (phone disconnects) 309 00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:18,028 ♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show! ♪ 310 00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:21,991 (grunting) 311 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:25,119 Huh? 312 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:26,287 Hee-hee-hee! 313 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:27,246 BOTH: Aahh! 314 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:33,502 (grunting) 315 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:34,795 (laughing) 316 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,424 Didn't Itchy Junior look happy 317 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,050 playing with his father? 318 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:42,094 And didn't Scratchy Junior look happy 319 00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,929 playing with his Dad 320 00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:46,682 until they got run over by the thresher? 321 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,310 Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? 322 00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:51,979 (sobbing) 323 00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,731 For the love of God, cut to a commercial! 324 00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:54,982 Poor Krusty! 325 00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,234 The man who envies our family 326 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,111 is the man who needs help. 327 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,946 We've got to do something. 328 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:02,156 Let's move. 329 00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:04,658 Reverend Lovejoy, 330 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,869 we need you to help us find a rabbi. 331 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:09,497 Well, before you make any rash decisions, 332 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,166 let me just remind you that the church is changing 333 00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:14,210 to meet the needs of today's young Christians. 334 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,795 No, no. We're not converting. 335 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,047 We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofski. 336 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,590 Rabbi Krustofski. Wh-- 337 00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:22,843 I do a radio call-in show with him every Sunday night. 338 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,804 -Really? -I didn't know that. 339 00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,973 I mention it in my sermon every week. 340 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,934 Oh, that radio show. 341 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:32,645 Oh yeah, it's all the kids talk about 342 00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:34,021 on Monday at school. 343 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,649 Well, why don't you have a free T-shirt? 344 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:39,860 You'll be the coolest kids on the playground. 345 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,487 We'll put them on later. 346 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,823 Now, can you give us the rabbi's address? 347 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,199 Oh, sure thing. 348 00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,493 Let me check my non-Christian Rolodex. 349 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:49,537 LISA: I bet the rabbi misses Krusty. 350 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:52,331 BART: He'll be so happy, he'll be crying in his beard. 351 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:54,333 (muttering in Hebrew) 352 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:56,335 Oh, yes, yes. 353 00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,420 LISA: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofski? 354 00:13:58,504 --> 00:13:59,797 What can I do for you, my young friend? 355 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,966 We came to talk to you about your son. 356 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:04,301 I have no son! 357 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:07,471 Oh great, we came all this way, and it's the wrong guy. 358 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:10,057 I didn't mean that literally! 359 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,646 ♪ KBBL, talk radio ♪ 360 00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,107 DEEJAY: And, in order to keep our broadcasting license, 361 00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:20,067 we devote Sunday night dead time 362 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:21,777 to public service shows of limited appeal. 363 00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,613 In that spirit, we bring you Gabbin' About God, 364 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,491 sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say 365 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,243 "If we don't got it, it ain't holy." 366 00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,121 With us tonight, once again, our very own three wise men, 367 00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:34,248 Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, Monsignor Kenneth Daly 368 00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:36,083 and Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. 369 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,711 -Good to see you again. -Nice to see you. 370 00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:41,672 Okay, our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights. 371 00:14:41,755 --> 00:14:44,258 MAN: Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world, 372 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,677 do you ever wonder if God really exists? 373 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:47,720 -No. -Not for a second. 374 00:14:47,803 --> 00:14:49,054 Not at all. 375 00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:51,140 Great. Good conversation there. 376 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,392 Our next call now is for the good rabbi. 377 00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:54,852 Hello? 378 00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:56,395 -(heavy breathing) -Anybody there? 379 00:14:56,478 --> 00:14:57,938 I hear breathing, but I don't hear talking. 380 00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,316 What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello? Hello? 381 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,109 (heavy sighing) 382 00:15:02,192 --> 00:15:05,487 Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. 383 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,656 There's all kinds of mishagoyim in the world. 384 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,325 Okay, let's clear the board. Our next caller is 385 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,035 a young boy from right here in Springfield. 386 00:15:11,118 --> 00:15:12,786 BART: Hello. My name is Dmitri. 387 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,830 I'm a first-time caller, long-time listener. 388 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,498 My question is... 389 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,126 if a son defies his father and chooses a career 390 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,128 that makes millions of children happy, 391 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,380 shouldn't the father forgive the son? 392 00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:24,840 -I think so. -Yes, of course. 393 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,343 No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! 394 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,970 Who screens these calls? Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? 395 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,722 They leave a building without people watching it? And anybody-- 396 00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:35,184 Don't worry, Lis, I got a plan that can't fail. 397 00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,229 Yiddle, my man, you're a genius. 398 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,899 I love my work. 399 00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:46,862 Oh, the best charity is to give and not let other people know. 400 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,783 But what if your example encourages others to give? 401 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:52,201 MEN: Ahh. 402 00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,119 Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofski, 403 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:55,871 don't you think it's time you forgave your son? 404 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,707 Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart! 405 00:15:58,791 --> 00:15:59,708 He turned his back on our traditions, 406 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,877 on our faith, and on me. 407 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,088 Get out of here, you little pisher. 408 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:05,881 Oy, this guy's tough. 409 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,633 Bart, we're gonna have to outsmart him. 410 00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:09,426 I don't know. He's pretty sharp. 411 00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,303 He saw right through this disguise. 412 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,888 What? Saul Bellow? 413 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,848 The Nobel Prize-winning Jewish novelist? 414 00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:16,183 He wants to have lunch with me? 415 00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,268 Ha ha! It's a date. 416 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,562 Izzy's Deli, 1:00. I'll be there. 417 00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,981 The French government 418 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,233 wants to give me the Legion of Honor? 419 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,860 Where do I receive this prestigious award? 420 00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:27,903 Izzy's Deli, 1:00. 421 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,239 Thank you, Monsieur President. 422 00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573 Au revoir. 423 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,621 Are you kids ready to order yet? 424 00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,081 Sorry, no. 425 00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,958 Just get us another bowl of complimentary pickles. 426 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,293 Watch how fast I go. 427 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,837 And for you, sir? 428 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,589 I want a nice sandwich, but the Joey Bishop-- 429 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,550 Too fatty. 430 00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,218 The Jackie Mason-- I don't know. Sauerkraut makes me gassy. 431 00:16:51,301 --> 00:16:52,803 The Bruce Willis? 432 00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:54,138 I don't even like his work. 433 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,015 What is this-- a Krusty the Clown? 434 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,559 Ham, sausage and bacon, with a smidge of mayo. 435 00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,102 -What? -On white bread. 436 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,312 Listen! You tell Mr. Saul Bellow 437 00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:03,480 the Nobel Prize-winning Jewish novelist 438 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,065 that I lost my appetite. 439 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:10,821 (Krusty humming "The Marseilles") 440 00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:14,241 Could you direct me to President Francois Mitterand's table? 441 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:16,035 You think you're funny? 442 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,412 50 million Frenchmen can't be wrong. 443 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:19,997 (groans) 444 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,374 Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. 445 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:26,045 What's the one thing rabbis prize above everything else? 446 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,629 Those stupid hats? 447 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,049 No, Bart-- knowledge. 448 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,051 LISA: We're gonna hit him where it hurts-- 449 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,719 right in the Judaica. 450 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,643 (imitates thunder) 451 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:42,936 Glub, glub, glub. 452 00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:45,189 "Oh, Noah, Noah, save us, save us!" 453 00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:46,231 "No!" 454 00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:48,650 This looks good, Bart. 455 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,277 Take it to him. 456 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,987 You I told to go away. 457 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:53,906 But-- But Rabbi, does it not say in the Babylonian Talmud, 458 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,365 and I quote: 459 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,659 "A child should be pushed aside with the left hand 460 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,995 and drawn closer with the right."? 461 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,413 Yes. 462 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,706 Then doesn't your religion command you 463 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,833 to make up with Krusty? 464 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,086 But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says, 465 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,505 "Honor thy father and thy mother." 466 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:10,589 End of story. 467 00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,718 -Oh, it's hopeless. -Not quite. 468 00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:18,806 I got some dynamite stuff from Rabbi Simon Ben-Eliazar. 469 00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:22,518 "At all times let a man be supple as a reed 470 00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,187 and not rigid as a cedar." 471 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,941 Bart, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, 472 00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:32,945 "You shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night." 473 00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:35,322 (murmured approval) 474 00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:37,282 (yawning) 475 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:38,450 Hmm... 476 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:42,538 Is it not written in the Talmud, 477 00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:44,540 "Who will bring redemption? 478 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,041 The jesters." 479 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,709 Sorry my friend, I'm still not convinced, 480 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,670 and this is hardly the time or place to discuss it. 481 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,216 Here you go, Bart. 482 00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,260 It's a long shot, but that's all I can do 483 00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:58,470 without learning ancient Hebrew. 484 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,767 Bart, I am not gonna learn ancient Hebrew. 485 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:07,771 Rabbi, did not a great man say, 486 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:11,275 and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. 487 00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,277 "I mean, I've heard of persecution 488 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,445 "but what they went through is ridiculous. 489 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,407 "But the great thing is after thousands of years 490 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:20,159 "of waiting and holding on and fighting, 491 00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:21,660 they finally made it." 492 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:23,120 End quote. 493 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,289 Oh, I never heard the plight of my people 494 00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:27,040 phrased so eloquently. 495 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,333 Who said that? Rabbi Hillel? 496 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,376 -Nope. -Judah the Pious? 497 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,419 -Nope. -Maimonides? 498 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:31,879 -Nope -Ooh, I got it! 499 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,340 -The Dead Sea Scrolls! -I'm afraid not, Rabbi. 500 00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,259 It's from "Yes, I Can," by Sammy Davis, Jr. 501 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:40,095 An entertainer, like your son. 502 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,097 (gasps) The Candy Man? 503 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:44,099 If a performer can think that way, 504 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,226 maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. 505 00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:49,188 All the years of joy that I've lost. 506 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,190 Why? Because of my stubborn ways. 507 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:52,733 (crying) 508 00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:54,568 There, there, Rabbi. 509 00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:56,778 It's not too late. 510 00:19:56,862 --> 00:20:00,199 (grunting) 511 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,494 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 512 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,205 Hi, kids. 513 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,582 Today's show's gonna be 514 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:12,085 the funniest, side-splittingest cavalcade of... 515 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,587 Aw, the hell with it. 516 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:15,130 Roll the cartoon. 517 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,632 ♪ They bite and fight ♪ 518 00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:18,300 ♪ They fight and fight and bite ♪ 519 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,384 ♪ Fight, fight, fight, bight, bight, bight ♪ 520 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,344 ♪ The Itchy-- ♪ 521 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:26,516 Oh, yeah. My old friends, right next to my heart. 522 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:27,935 Hey, such a filthy habit. 523 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:30,562 Who asked you? Father? 524 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,813 -Son. -Papa! 525 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,357 -Herschel! -Daddy! 526 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,566 Boychick! 527 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:36,360 Oh, Daddy! 528 00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:39,905 You're on, Krusty. 529 00:20:39,988 --> 00:20:40,948 Oh, uh... 530 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:42,824 Boys and girls, 531 00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,410 I'd like to be serious for a moment, if I may. 532 00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:46,620 Spotlight, please. 533 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:48,288 I just wanted-- 534 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,540 I just want-- Come on, guys. 535 00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,417 I'm not doing the spotlight bit. 536 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:57,422 Let's have a warm Krusty welcome for my estranged father 537 00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:59,299 Rabbi Hyman Krustofski. 538 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,300 (cheering) 539 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,177 Lenny, 540 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:05,639 a little reconciliation music, if you please. 541 00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:09,393 ♪ Oh, mein papa ♪ 542 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:12,312 ♪ To me he was so wonderful ♪ 543 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,398 ♪ Oh, mein papa ♪ 544 00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:15,524 Come on, Dad. 545 00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,734 ♪ To me he was so good ♪ 546 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:18,902 You know the words. 547 00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:21,905 ♪ No one could be ♪ 548 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:24,866 ♪ So gentle and so loveable ♪ 549 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,576 I got something in my eye. 550 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:27,619 Here, take my hankie. 551 00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:28,829 Ehh! 552 00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:33,000 ♪ He always understood ♪♪ 553 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:36,712 We haven't seen each other in 25 years! 554 00:21:36,795 --> 00:21:38,630 Oh, I love you, son. 555 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,257 I love you, too, Daddy. 556 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:42,634 Oy, a klop tsu deer! 557 00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:44,261 (laughing) 558 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:49,224 ♪♪ 559 00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:51,953 Shh! 560 00:22:55,123 --> 00:22:57,334 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.