1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,755 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:13,263 --> 00:00:14,973 (chalk screeches) 3 00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:18,893 (bell rings) 4 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,358 (work whistle blows) 5 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,739 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 6 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:43,334 (jazzy solo) 7 00:00:46,337 --> 00:00:47,255 (tires screech) 8 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,431 (tires screeching) 9 00:00:58,391 --> 00:00:59,642 (horn honks) 10 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,020 (tires screech) 11 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,273 D'oh! 12 00:01:05,356 --> 00:01:07,776 -(screams) -(tires screech) 13 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,250 ANNOUNCER: Products you could only imagine before: 14 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,336 The Foam Dome. 15 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,089 The Jet Walker. 16 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:31,549 Mr. Sugar Cube. 17 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,222 That baby changed our lives. 18 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,352 I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me 19 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:45,271 from such TV series as Buck Henderson, Union Buster, 20 00:01:45,355 --> 00:01:48,024 and Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory, 21 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,652 but I'm here to tell you about Spiffy, 22 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,612 the 21st century stain remover. 23 00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:55,490 Let's meet the inventor-- Dr. Nick Riviera. 24 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:58,118 -Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody. -(applause) 25 00:01:58,201 --> 00:01:59,869 ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick. 26 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,288 Troy, I brought with me the gravestone 27 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,416 of author and troubled soul, Edgar Allan Poe. 28 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,293 MCCLURE: One of our best writers. 29 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,171 RIVIERA: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect 30 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,716 has turned this tombstone into a depressing eyesore. 31 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,718 So what? I guess we're gonna have to throw it away. 32 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:16,970 Not so fast, Troy. 33 00:02:17,053 --> 00:02:19,514 With one application of Spiffy, 34 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:22,976 you'll think the body's still warm. 35 00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:24,978 AUDIENCE: Ooh! 36 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,563 Ahh! 37 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,482 "Quoth the raven--" What a shine! 38 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:30,650 Ooh! 39 00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:32,694 That's one clean tombstone. 40 00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:33,778 Hey, Dad, you got a power drill? 41 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,446 -In the garage. -Check. 42 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,490 I'm offering three bottles-- 43 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:40,243 enough to clean 1,000 tombstones-- 44 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,662 for only $39.95. 45 00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:45,290 ALL: Boo! 46 00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:48,209 I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, Doctor. 47 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,295 Yeah, give us a break, Doctor. 48 00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:55,216 RIVIERA: But Troy, how can I make it lower than $39.95? 49 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,135 MCCLURE: Find a way. 50 00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:59,387 Hey, Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw. 51 00:02:59,470 --> 00:03:01,556 If stuff starts flying, just turn your head. 52 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:02,932 Aw, check. 53 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,934 RIVIERA: Okay. I'll throw in a fourth bottle, 54 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,561 the applicator glove, 55 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:09,230 and a state of Kansas Jello mold-- 56 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,483 -$29.95. -(audience cheering) 57 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,235 D'oh! Duh... 58 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:15,737 Okay. 59 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:18,323 -Okay, calm down. -(knocking on door) 60 00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:20,366 MARGE: Homer, can you get the door? 61 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,743 It's my sisters. 62 00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:22,911 (quavering) 63 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,412 Homer. Be nice. 64 00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:26,247 Okay, I will, I will. 65 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,416 (grumbling) Coming over here... 66 00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:31,461 Patty, Thelma, what a pleasant surprise! 67 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:34,380 What do you know-- he's wearing pants. 68 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:35,590 I owe you a lunch. 69 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:37,926 PATTY: Ugly. 70 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,427 Ugly. 71 00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:40,637 Butch. 72 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:42,096 What's the matter? 73 00:03:42,180 --> 00:03:44,307 Can't you find a hairstyle you like? 74 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:45,642 Hold the phone. 75 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,352 That's the one for me. 76 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:48,895 Ed Asner? 77 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,897 No, next to him. 78 00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:52,774 Mary Tyler Moore. 79 00:03:52,857 --> 00:03:54,484 (all) Mm. 80 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:57,237 Expiration date, June, 1989... 81 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,907 Uh, 2012. Yeah. 82 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,451 Homer, are you ordering junk off the TV again? 83 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:05,536 -Shh! They'll hear you. -(power saw whirring) 84 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,164 Oh, who's using the power tools? 85 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,583 -I don't know. Some guy, I guess. -Mmm. 86 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,502 Well, we're going to the beauty parlor. 87 00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:14,587 Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone. 88 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,881 Oh, sure, great idea. 89 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,299 I'd love to. 90 00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:20,343 -D'oh! Did you hear that? -Yes. 91 00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:21,970 -How much? -Everything. 92 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:23,304 What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way 93 00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:24,597 to do something with you? 94 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,474 Take us to the video store? 95 00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,309 Anything for my little girl. 96 00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:32,939 Bart! 97 00:04:33,022 --> 00:04:35,650 You can't weld with such a little flame. 98 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:37,235 Stupid kid. 99 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,703 Ooh! McBain. 100 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,997 Mm-mm-mm. 101 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,666 Hey, McBain, you keep eating them hot links, 102 00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:53,251 you never going to make it to a pension. 103 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,628 Come on, live a little, Skowie. 104 00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:57,088 No, thank you. I got me a future, partnah. 105 00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:59,090 I'm two days away from retirement 106 00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:01,134 My daughter's graduating from college. 107 00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:02,844 Little Suzie is growing up. 108 00:05:02,927 --> 00:05:04,804 And as soon as we nail Mendoza, 109 00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,556 my old lady and I 110 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,558 are gonna sail around the world like we always wanted. 111 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,019 We just christened a boat. 112 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,272 Oh, yes, sir, everything is going to be just perf... 113 00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,482 (gunshots) 114 00:05:16,566 --> 00:05:18,276 Ahhh! 115 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:22,572 (gunshots) 116 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,871 Damn, damn, damn. 117 00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,831 -McBain... -Yes? 118 00:05:31,914 --> 00:05:33,333 I'm not going to make it. 119 00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:34,792 -Oh, stop talking crazy. -No, no, no. 120 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,295 Just do one thing for me. 121 00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,006 Get... Mendoza. 122 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:49,766 Mendoza! 123 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:50,975 You want to rent it, sir? 124 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,477 Why? 125 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,062 I just saw the best part. (chuckles) 126 00:05:56,397 --> 00:06:00,026 Ooh! Death By Knockout, Blood on the Ice... 127 00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:01,319 Ho, ho! 128 00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:04,447 Football's Greatest Injuries. 129 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:07,033 -Lisa, we're going. -But, Dad, I can't find 130 00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:09,369 Happy Little Elves in Tinkly Winkly Town. 131 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,913 Just grab something! All these movies are great. 132 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,208 Look at this. 133 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,461 "Test your F.Q."-- Fatherhood Quotient. 134 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,755 Maybe you should try it on Homer. 135 00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:22,006 He'll fail it. 136 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,841 Uh-huh, in a second. 137 00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,385 Well, I don't know. 138 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,805 Oh, now Henry Winkler-- there's a father. 139 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:31,432 Listen to what he told a close friend. 140 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,268 "I don't always keep my cool like The Fonz, 141 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,270 "but my love for my kids 142 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,649 -has given me plenty of happy days." -Mmm. 143 00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:42,360 ANNOUNCER: They called him "The Galloping Gazelle." 144 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:45,947 His habitat: The frozen tundra of Soldier Field. 145 00:06:46,030 --> 00:06:47,865 For six seasons and two Pro Bowls, 146 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,951 he grazed on the tasty green turf of the end zone, 147 00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:52,703 until one fateful Sunday in November, 148 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,832 when the Gazelle was stopped in his tracks 149 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,418 by a big cat named Wayne Suschevski. 150 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,963 -(door slams) -Homey, we're back. 151 00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:05,299 -(laughing) -Don't mind that clod, Patty. 152 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,677 You could turn the world on with your smile. 153 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,346 Homer, could you turn off the TV? 154 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,014 There's a little test I want you to take. 155 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,933 -(bones cracking on TV) -Oh, great. 156 00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,852 You made me miss Joe Theisman. 157 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:19,313 This is from the National Fatherhood Institute. 158 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,567 It evaluates your knowledge of your son and rates you as a father. 159 00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:23,901 Oh, Marge. 160 00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,403 Question one: 161 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:27,196 "Name one of your child's friends." 162 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,782 Uh, let's see... Bart's friends.. 163 00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:32,702 Well, there's the fat kid with the thing. 164 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,954 The little wiener who's always got his hands in his pockets. 165 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,373 They want a name, Homer, not a vague description. 166 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,167 Okay... Hank? 167 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:40,501 Hank? Hank who? 168 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:41,711 Hank... Jones. 169 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,546 Homer, you made that up. 170 00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:44,839 Question two: 171 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,507 "Who is your son's hero?" 172 00:07:46,591 --> 00:07:47,550 Steve McQueen. 173 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,385 That's your hero. 174 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,595 "Name another Dad 175 00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:52,013 you talk to about parenting." 176 00:07:52,096 --> 00:07:54,265 -Next. -"What are your son's hobbies?" 177 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,766 Well, he's always chewing on that phone cord. 178 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,560 He hasn't done that since he was two. 179 00:07:57,643 --> 00:07:59,896 -Then he has no hobbies. -Oh, really? 180 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,482 Well, maybe you should go out to the garage and see. 181 00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,612 -Bart. Bart! -What? 182 00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:09,030 You don't have any hobbies, do you, boy? 183 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,072 No, not really. 184 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,866 Well, that's what I... 185 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:12,950 Wait a minute, What are you doing? 186 00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,619 Building a Soap Box Derby racer. 187 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:15,620 (groans) 188 00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:16,913 That's a hobby. 189 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:18,456 Hey, so it is. 190 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:19,916 Oh, my God. 191 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,792 I don't know jack about my boy. 192 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,211 (sobbing) 193 00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,379 I'm a bad father. 194 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,964 You're also fat. 195 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,675 I'm also fat! 196 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,309 MAN (on phone): National Fatherhood Institute. Please hold. 197 00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,687 ♪ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon ♪ 198 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,607 ♪ Little Boy Blue and the Man on the Moon ♪ 199 00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,359 ♪ When you comin' home, Dad? ♪ 200 00:08:46,442 --> 00:08:48,236 ♪ I don't know when... ♪ 201 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,947 National Fatherhood Institute. Dave speaking. 202 00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,115 I'm Homer Simpson. I just took your test. 203 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,618 -I got a zero. -Good Lord! A zero? 204 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:58,371 Lana, cancel my 1:00. Mr. Simpson, we'll send 205 00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:00,581 a wood-paneled station wagon over for you immediately. 206 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:03,251 Hey, Bart, where did you get the lumber? 207 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:06,796 Well, as three-time Soap Box Derby champ Ronnie Beck says, 208 00:09:06,879 --> 00:09:09,131 "Poorly guarded construction sites are a gold mine." 209 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,883 A conventional design. 210 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:13,261 Oh, yeah? Are you building a racer, Martin? 211 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,054 In between some other projects. 212 00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:16,889 Well, gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, 213 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,391 I've booked some time at the wind tunnel. 214 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,648 Good-bye, son. 215 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,234 Hey, Bart, I think they're finally hauling your dad away. 216 00:09:28,317 --> 00:09:29,569 Maybe it's for the best. 217 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,240 ♪ Oh, you are ♪ 218 00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,242 ♪ One in a million... ♪ 219 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:41,163 For starters, Mr. Simpson, why don't you take 220 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,916 this complimentary copy of Fatherhood by Bill Cosby. 221 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,128 If he's as smart as he is funny, I'm sold. 222 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,130 Mr. Simpson, if you want to be a good father, 223 00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,299 you have to spend time with your son. 224 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,967 That's easy for you to say, 225 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:56,053 you preachy, egg-headed institute guy. 226 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:57,805 How much do you see your son? 227 00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:59,557 Why don't you ask him yourself. 228 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,809 -Homer, meet Dave, Jr. -Huh? 229 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,686 How's your research coming, son? 230 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,646 I think we're near a breakthrough. 231 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,064 -Good work. -Thanks, Dad. 232 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,899 Oh, how I envy you. 233 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,651 Homer, that easy back and forther you witnessed 234 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:11,652 didn't happen overnight. 235 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,321 It took years of effort. 236 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,615 I've never been afraid of a little hard work. 237 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:17,450 That's the spirit, Mr. Simpson. 238 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,453 Now, step one is to find an activity the two of you can share. 239 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:21,579 Does the boy have any interests? 240 00:10:21,662 --> 00:10:23,122 -What boy? -Your son. 241 00:10:23,205 --> 00:10:25,583 Find something he likes to do and share in it. 242 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,711 Well, he is building a Soap Box Derby racer! 243 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,213 -Oh, that would be perfect. -(klaxon blaring) 244 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,050 Dear God! Not again! 245 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:37,803 Bart, I'm going to help you build that racer. 246 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,597 Thanks, but I'm almost done. 247 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,349 Why don't you get back on the couch and watch TV. 248 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,350 Okay. 249 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,393 No! I'm going to do it. 250 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:47,772 Sorry, Dad, but three-time Soap Box Derby champion Ronnie Beck 251 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,190 never needed his dad's help. 252 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,108 But you can use me. I'm good. 253 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:53,027 I built a lot of things around the house: 254 00:10:53,110 --> 00:10:56,614 -The spice rack. -(glass shatters) 255 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:57,698 The bird feeder. 256 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,409 The Gymboree. 257 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,040 What was that? Ah, who cares? 258 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,291 Son, please let me help you. 259 00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,210 Come on, Dad. It would be weird. 260 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,337 This isn't working at all. 261 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,338 It's hopeless. 262 00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:13,839 Wait a second. 263 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,968 Hmm. 264 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:21,097 "Cosby's First Law of Intergenerational Perversity. 265 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,474 "No matter what you tell your child to do, 266 00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:24,975 he will always do the opposite." 267 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,477 Huh? 268 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,020 (thinking) Don't you get it? 269 00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,230 You gotta use reverse psychology. 270 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:31,148 That sounds too complicated. 271 00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,900 Okay, don't use reverse psychology. 272 00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:34,610 All right, I will. 273 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,196 Son, I don't think you should let me help you. 274 00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:38,823 Oh, come on, Dad, if you really want to help, 275 00:11:38,906 --> 00:11:40,282 you can clean these paint brushes. 276 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,867 Thank you, Bill Cosby. 277 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,661 You've saved the Simpsons. 278 00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:48,082 ♪ There he sits with a pen and a yellow pad ♪ 279 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:50,084 ♪ What a handsome lad ♪ 280 00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:53,003 ♪ That's my boy ♪ 281 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:58,926 ♪ B-R-L-F-Q spells "Mom" and "Dad" ♪ 282 00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,553 ♪ Well, that ain't too bad ♪ 283 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:03,973 ♪ 'Cause that's my boy ♪ 284 00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:08,310 ♪ You can have your TV and your nightclubs... ♪ 285 00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,859 You know, Marge, that Bart of ours is a little miracle-- 286 00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,986 his winning smile, his button nose, 287 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,904 his fat, little stomach. 288 00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,990 His face alight with wholesome mischief. 289 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,200 He reminds me of me 290 00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:25,244 before the weight of the world crushed my spirit. 291 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,746 Hmm, yeah. 292 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:30,666 (trumpet fanfare) 293 00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:37,006 I like our chances, son. 294 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,550 Ugh! Your father's not supposed to help build your racer, 295 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,302 but you should at least consult him about it. 296 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,471 -D'oh! -You're in heat four. 297 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,973 -Whoa, where's your helmet, son? -Helmets are for wusses, sir. 298 00:12:46,056 --> 00:12:48,476 No, I don't think I can let you go without a safety helmet. 299 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:51,353 This is my son, and if he doesn't want to wear one, 300 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:52,438 you can't make him. 301 00:12:52,521 --> 00:12:54,148 Okay, fine. 302 00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:55,399 I want to get out of here sometime today. 303 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,318 Attention, everyone. 304 00:12:57,401 --> 00:13:00,571 I say to those who question the value of the space program, 305 00:13:00,654 --> 00:13:02,323 behold! 306 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:08,120 Ay, caramba! 307 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,080 Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area. 308 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,040 Fine. 309 00:13:13,125 --> 00:13:15,586 Hey, Simpson! Where's your losermobile? 310 00:13:15,669 --> 00:13:18,547 (laughing) Losermobile. Wait a minute. 311 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,925 Uh, it's over there, Nelson. 312 00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:24,220 Whoa, talk about your pieces of crap. 313 00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,846 You know, Bart, I don't care who wins 314 00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,848 as long as one of us beats that guy. 315 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,517 Same here. 316 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:32,853 Careful boys, it took me months to steal that bumper. 317 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:34,563 BOY: Help! Help! 318 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:35,773 -What was that? -You didn't hear nothing! 319 00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,443 -Are you nervous, son? -Don't worry, Dad. 320 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:42,321 As three-time Soap Box Derby champion Ronnie Beck says: 321 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,323 "Gravity is my co-pilot." 322 00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,826 Hey, Boss. Just in case you need it. 323 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,453 Aw, thanks, guys. 324 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:52,623 Now get outta here! 325 00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:56,043 Oh, I didn't realize this hill was so high. 326 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,878 Could I have another-- 327 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,089 (Martin screaming) 328 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,138 (screaming) 329 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,267 (crowd cheering) 330 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,898 (crowd cheering) 331 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:19,608 (laughing) 332 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,863 Deploy, damn you! Deploy! 333 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:26,073 (crowd gasping) 334 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,577 (Martin screaming) 335 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,623 It hurts! It hurts! 336 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,292 Owee! Owee! Owee! Ow! 337 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:37,960 Mm-hmm. 338 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,628 Young man, I'm afraid this stress fracture 339 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,631 will require you to be in a cast for six weeks. 340 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:44,925 But that means I can't possibly race. 341 00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,302 Son, you're lucky to be alive. 342 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:47,845 Save your palliative clichés 343 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,097 for the next poor sap, Doctor. 344 00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:51,807 Is it okay to visit? 345 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,350 (chuckling) Of course. 346 00:14:53,434 --> 00:14:55,060 Hey, man, cool crash. 347 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:57,605 -Way to cheat death. -Thanks, Bart. 348 00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,481 You had the best stick out there, man. 349 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:01,609 I wish I could build 'em like you. 350 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:04,570 That racer transformed me into the twisted creature 351 00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:06,405 you see before you. 352 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,699 I'll never race again. 353 00:15:08,782 --> 00:15:10,826 If you don't race, then Nelson will win. 354 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,330 Even if I wanted to, I'm in no shape to do it. 355 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,789 Unless... 356 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,542 Bart, will you drive my car? 357 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,336 I don't know if I should do that. 358 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,212 My Dad and I built our car together, 359 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:25,090 and if I drove someone else's, it would kill him. 360 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,301 On the other hand, I'll do it. 361 00:15:27,384 --> 00:15:30,304 Okay, Bart. We've got a lot of work to do on the car. 362 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:32,765 So I'm gonna pull you out of school for the next couple of weeks. 363 00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:35,267 Dad, I don't know how to say this, but.. 364 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,727 I don't want to drive your car. 365 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:38,646 It's slow, it's ugly. 366 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,648 It handles like a shopping cart. 367 00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,691 Bart, the car has a few bugs in it, I admit that, 368 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,526 but we're Team Simpson. 369 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:48,030 Dad, I love you, but you taught me to win. 370 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:49,156 When did I ever teach you that? 371 00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:50,824 Well, I picked it up somewhere. 372 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,952 And if I drive Martin's car, I can win. 373 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,161 I'm sorry, but... 374 00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:56,038 No, go ahead, leave me. 375 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:58,040 -Dad... -Go on. Go on and win. 376 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,000 No, go on and win without your Dad. 377 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,711 I'll just sit here in Li'l Lightnin', 378 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,880 which the Simpsons built, 379 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,966 and remember that for one brief shining moment, 380 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,926 I had a son. 381 00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:14,890 Ow. 382 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,981 Ohh! 383 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,191 Dad, can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's office? 384 00:16:24,274 --> 00:16:26,443 -Why? What's wrong? -Oh, nothing. 385 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,195 I just scheduled a tetanus booster. 386 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,697 Maybe I'm being a little anal, 387 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,573 but barefoot season's coming up 388 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:33,200 and there's a world of rusty nails out there. 389 00:16:33,283 --> 00:16:34,535 Oh, sure, I'll take you, 390 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,537 wait with you, worry about you, 391 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:38,789 and then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. 392 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:40,874 This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa? 393 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,292 Hmm. 394 00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:45,546 D'oh! 395 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,217 Martin, your bone is healing nicely. 396 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,969 Tell me something I don't know. 397 00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,512 (chuckles) 398 00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:54,888 Dr. Hibbert, Lisa needs a... 399 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,223 You! 400 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:57,975 Home wrecker! 401 00:16:58,058 --> 00:17:01,478 Mr. Simpson, you have every right to be angry. 402 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,647 But rest assured, your son loves you. 403 00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:05,357 -(growls) -(screams) 404 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:07,568 (Hibbert laughs) 405 00:17:07,651 --> 00:17:09,570 You certainly gave that boy the heebie-jeebies. 406 00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,370 -Dad, aren't you coming? -No. 407 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,623 -Now, don't pout. -I'm not pouting. You are. 408 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,584 Dad, you gotta come. 409 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:25,627 -I just got your hat out of the fridge. -Sorry. 410 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,963 Don't you at least have something to say to Bart? 411 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,507 HOMER: No. Can't think of a thing. 412 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,510 Homer, I've always said you were a good father. 413 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,597 I've always defended you when people put you down. 414 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,932 -That's for sure. -She ain't lyin'. 415 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,559 But I guess I was wrong. 416 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,686 You are a bad father. 417 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:43,812 Leave me alone. 418 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,194 (fanfare playing) 419 00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:52,029 TV ANNOUNCER: Good morning, everybody, 420 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,156 and welcome to an event that harkens back 421 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,533 to the carefree days of the Great Depression-- 422 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,160 The Soap Box Derby. 423 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:00,037 In just minutes, 424 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:03,290 these junior Al Unser, Jrs. will lock horns. 425 00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,709 Huh? 426 00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:07,795 "Name your son's hobbies." 427 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,922 Building a soap box racer. 428 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:12,216 "Name one of your child's friends." 429 00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,217 Martin. 430 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:14,802 Martin! 431 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,970 I'll curse that name till the day I die! 432 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,639 Huh? 433 00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:20,933 "Who is your son's hero?" 434 00:18:21,016 --> 00:18:24,228 Three-time Soap Box Derby champion, Ronnie Beck. 435 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:27,606 Wow. I'm one question away from being a perfect father. 436 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:30,484 "Name another dad you talk to about parenting." 437 00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:31,485 Ohh! 438 00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:32,694 Hey-hey-ho, Simpson. 439 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,988 Shut up, Flanders. Flanders! 440 00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:37,574 Flanders! Flanders, uh... uh... 441 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,119 When should a boy start dating? 442 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,995 Well, sir, there are two schools of thought on the subject... 443 00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,455 Great! Thanks. 444 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:45,499 I talked to Flanders about parenting! 445 00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,626 I'm a perfect father! 446 00:18:47,709 --> 00:18:48,836 Hold on, son. 447 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,003 I'm a-coming. 448 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,425 My friend and I have a bet. 449 00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:58,387 Are you Mary Tyler Moore? 450 00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:00,013 (screaming) 451 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,723 (belches) 452 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,393 Ooh! Wow! It really is you. 453 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,979 Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands 454 00:19:07,062 --> 00:19:10,107 or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. 455 00:19:10,190 --> 00:19:11,900 Bart, what did I just tell you? 456 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,611 Kill spectators. 457 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,488 What is the matter with you? 458 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,615 It's my dad-- lying there on the couch 459 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,617 drinking a beer, staring at the TV. 460 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,619 I've never seen him like that. 461 00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,538 Forget about your father! 462 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:25,998 You're driving for me now. 463 00:19:31,378 --> 00:19:34,298 Do it for your old man, boy. 464 00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,259 Simpson, prepare to die. 465 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:38,802 Let's rock. 466 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,804 MAN (on P.A.): Ladies and gentlemen, 467 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:43,182 to drop the green flag-- our beloved mayor 468 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:45,017 Diamond Joe Quimby. 469 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:49,521 To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor. 470 00:19:49,605 --> 00:19:51,732 Check out the rack on the blonde in the fourth row. 471 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,112 (crowd cheering) 472 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,948 MARGE: Go! Go! Go! Go! 473 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,202 Ha! Ha! 474 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,120 ANNOUNCER: Like the elegant Roman in Judah Ben Hur, 475 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,788 these modern charioteers battle ferociously. 476 00:20:06,872 --> 00:20:09,499 No quarter given, none asked. 477 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,099 (camera clicking) 478 00:20:31,021 --> 00:20:33,065 The world has not seen the likes of this 479 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,858 since the French carried Lucky Lindy off 480 00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:36,985 on their shoulders, from Le Bourget Field. 481 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,654 EMCEE: And now, to present the trophy, 482 00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:42,032 three-time Soap Box Derby champion, Ronnie Beck. 483 00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:45,077 (applause) 484 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,912 Congratulations, Bart. 485 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:49,873 Seeing you out there brought back a lot of memories. 486 00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:51,124 Thanks, Mr. Beck. 487 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:52,751 I was alone out there, 488 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,545 but someone was riding with me in spirit. 489 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,297 This is for you, Dad. 490 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,091 No, son, you earned it. 491 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:02,928 I might remind you both, I did design that racer. 492 00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,638 The driver is essentially ballast. 493 00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:08,600 The better man won, Simpson. 494 00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:09,977 You can really drive. 495 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,979 Thanks, Nelson. Put her there. 496 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,647 ♪ Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ♪ 497 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:16,441 Loser! ♪ Na-na, na-na-na ♪ 498 00:21:16,525 --> 00:21:19,444 Bart, you know there is such a thing as being a bad winner. 499 00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,988 Mom, I never won before. 500 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,739 I may never win again. 501 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,032 ♪ Na-na, na-na-na ♪ 502 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:25,284 That's my boy. 503 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:26,743 ♪ Na-na, na-na-na ♪ 504 00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,537 BOTH: ♪ Na-na, na-na-na ♪ 505 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,247 ♪ Na-na, na-na-na ♪ 506 00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:37,087 ♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪ 507 00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:41,800 ♪ 'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings ♪ 508 00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:46,388 ♪♪ 509 00:22:46,782 --> 00:22:48,241 Shh! 510 00:22:51,244 --> 00:22:54,498 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.