♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
-♪ Bad cops, bad cops ♪ -(screams)
♪ Bad cops, bad cops ♪
♪ Springfield cops are on the case ♪
♪ But what do you expect for the money we make? ♪
♪ Whether in a car or on a bus ♪
♪ We don't mind using excessive force ♪
♪ Bad cops, bad cops ♪
All right, boys.
Time to bag us a cattle rustler.
What in God's name are you doing?
Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace?
No, that's next door.
(mooing)
(tires screeching)
Close, but no doughnut, cops.
This is Papa Bear.
Put out an A.P.B. For a male suspect driving a...
car of some sort
heading in the direction of...
you know, that place that sells chili.
Suspect is hatless. Repeat. Hatless.
I can't wait till they throw his hatless butt in jail.
Honey, you really shouldn't eat so much in bed.
It's not good for your heart.
My heart is just fine.
(groaning)
Homie, what is it?
Just working the turkey through.
There it goes.
Hey, Lis, there was a big train wreck last night.
-Do you want to see the victims? -Mm, okay.
-(vocalizes) -Bart, that's gross.
You're right.
Let's bury them at sea.
Dad!
(gasping)
What's wrong?
You know that feeling you get when
a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart?
I got that right now.
Ooh, bacon!
Homer, I prepared a special surprise just for you.
It could only be one thing.
Psst! The best meat's in the rump.
Here you go.
What the hell is this?
Nice, healthy oatmeal.
Ooh, oatmeal.
What a delightful treat.
Oh, there's a bug in it.
No, there isn't.
Trust me.
Dad, there's a bug on that.
Eh.
(horn blowing)
Come on, come on.
-Oh, dear. -(crashing)
Now you've done it.
(growling)
(thumping noise)
(horn honking)
I keep hearing this horrible, irregular thumping noise.
(thumping continues)
It's your heart,
and I think it's on its last thump.
Whew! I was afraid it was my transmission.
Hey, where's he going?
Billy, remember that old Plymouth
we just couldn't fix?
We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikapopolos?
You're a dull boy, Billy.
Look at that pig stuffing his face with doughnuts on my time.
That's right. Keep eating.
Little do you know
you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned doughnut.
(chuckling)
There is a poisoned one, isn't there, Smithers?
Uh, no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers.
They consider it murder.
Damn their oily hides!
(snoring)
Bring him to me!
(thumping)
Relax, Simpson.
I just brought you in for a friendly hello.
And good-bye! You're fired!
-(groans) -But wait.
Perhaps I'm being too hasty.
-You are highly skilled-- -(exhales)
-...at goofing off! -(groans)
Now, don't worry, Homer.
You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
a grave for!
Your indolence is inefficacious.
That means you're terrible!
Eh?
Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Oh, dear.
Send a ham to his widow.
Mmm... Ham.
No, wait. He's alive.
-Oh, good. Cancel the ham. -D'oh!
(siren blaring)
Wow, look at that.
How do they know to cross there?
Ohh...
I'm telling you, it's not going to work.
See?
He was taking a bite and his jaw locked.
Hey, look, I can fit my entire fist in here.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
What's that, Chief?
♪ Bad cops, bad cops ♪
Ooh, buy three tubes of Mr. Blister, get one free.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Yes.
Oh, dear Lord!
Homer's in the hospital.
-They think it's his heart! -(door slams)
-Oh, my God. -What?
Five cents off wax paper.
Clear.
(flatline tone)
More.
Thank you.
Oh, Homie, I was so frightened.
Marge, my whole life flashed before my eyes.
Ah, little Homer.
How did he get that?
♪ Fall on your knees ♪
♪ Oh, hear the angels' voices... ♪
What a voice.
Young Homer's going to make me a millionaire.
♪ Oh, night... divine... ♪
(Homer's adult voice) Hey, my voice just changed.
(off key) ♪ Oh, night, when Christ was born ♪
Dagnab it!
Mr. Simpson, I'm afraid you've just had a mild heart attack.
But I'm out of the woods now, right?
I mean, whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger.
Oh, no, quite the opposite.
It's made you weak as a kitten.
(chuckles) Look.
Hey, come on, quit it.
Kootchy, kootchy-koo.
Stop, please stop.
Oh, you swing like a girl, come on now.
Please, have mercy.
Got your nose.
(laughing) Not funny.
How about this little bee? Bzz...
Oh!
Remember your hippopotamus oath.
Can't you do something for him?
Well, we can't fix his heart,
but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
What an age we live in.
Now what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected
flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
But, Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet.
-Good Lord. -Hi.
So, Homer, this is a new body fat analysis test.
I start you jiggling
and measure how long it takes to stop.
Whoo-hoo! Look at that blubber fly.
Yes.
Nurse, cancel my 1:00.
Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo
a coronary bypass operation.
Say it in English, Doc.
You're going to need open-heart surgery.
Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Could you dumb it down a shade?
Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homie well.
Good. I must warn you, though.
This procedure will cost you upwards of $30,000.
(Homer gasping and choking)
(body thuds)
DR. HIBBERT: I'm afraid it's now 40,000.
Okay, okay, we need $40,000.
Now how much do we have in the checkbook?
-$70. -Hmm...
Have we deposited any $40,000 checks that haven't cleared yet?
No. Don't you have health insurance at work?
Well, actually, we gave it all up
for a pinball machine in the lounge.
-D'oh! -Don't worry, Marge.
America's health care system is second only to Japan...
Canada, Sweden, Great Britain...
Well, all of Europe.
But you can thank your lucky stars
we don't live in Paraguay.
(sobbing)
Now before we give you health insurance,
I have to ask you a few questions.
Questions? Questions?
Oh, my whole scheme down the...
I mean, ask away.
Good.
Now, under "heart attacks,"
you crossed out "3" and wrote "0."
I thought that said brain hemorrhages.
Oh. And do you drink?
I do enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas.
All right, here's your policy.
Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker, I just...
Hold on there. You still have to sign it.
Oh. I...
(gasping)
Must... sign... policy.
Sir, I'm sorry. We can't insure you.
-I made an "H." -No, that doesn't count.
Looks like an "X."
We better get you to a hospital.
-Can I have a free calendar? -Okay.
Clear.
Oh, doctor,
I was in a wonderful place
filled with fire and brimstone.
And there were all these guys in red pajamas
sticking pitchforks in my butt.
Mr. Simpson, you must get that operation as soon as possible.
I can't afford it.
Maybe I should buy one of those machines.
Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.
Now, I know I haven't been the best Christian.
In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing,
I'm usually doodling
or mentally undressing the female parishioners.
Well, anywho, can I have $40,000?
Now, I know I haven't been the best Jew,
but I rented Fiddler on the Roof
and I will watch it.
-Anyway, can I have $40,000? -Mmm?
Now, I know I haven't been the best...
Aw, forget it.
Honey, did you have any luck?
No, but the rabbi gave me this.
What is it, Dad?
Son, they call it a droodle.
Whoo-hoo! Look at him go.
Hi, everybody. Are you looking for a way
to slash the cost of your medical expenses?
Boring.
Wait, this might be the answer we're looking for.
I will perform any operation for $129.95.
Come in for brain surgery
and receive a free Chinese finger trap.
(grunting)
Okay, Fred.
You tried the best.
Now try the rest.
Call 1-600-DOCTORB.
The "B" is for "Bargain."
Marge, we could do worse.
How?
Some dog could do the operation.
Operation? What are you talking about?
Kids, I have something to tell you.
Oh, Homie, I don't know. This might upset them.
Nothing you say can upset us.
We're the MTV generation.
We feel neither highs nor lows.
-Really? What's it like? -Eh.
Well, you kids are old enough to know the truth,
and I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
So, the tiny aorta fairies will take Mr. Leg Vein
on a long trip to get married
to Princess Left Ventricle.
Dad, are you trying to tell us
you're getting a coronary artery bypass graft?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, no. What if they botch it?
I won't have a dad...
for a while.
(sobbing)
Kids, kids, I'm not going to die.
That only happens to bad people.
What about Abraham Lincoln?
Uh, he sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren.
-Homer! -Hey, I'm just trying
to make it easier on 'em.
HOMER: Bed goes up, bed goes down.
Bed goes up, bed goes down.
FLANDERS: Homer Simpson?
If that don't put the "Dink" In co-inky-dink.
Flanders, what are you doing here?
I'm having a kidney and a lung removed.
Who are you donating them to?
First come, first serve.
What are you in for?
I got a bad heart.
If I could give you my heart, Homer, I would.
Shut up, Flanders.
Hi, everybody!
I'm Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr. Riviera, Dr. Nick Riviera,
please report to the coroner immediately.
The coroner? I'm so sick of that guy.
Well, see you in the operating place.
-Dr. Riviera! -Dr. Riviera!
Where are the bodies?
Oh, such a nice day.
I think I'll go out the window.
Whoa!
(crashing)
Dear Lord, thank you for Ziggy comics,
little baby ducks,
and Sweatin' to the Oldies, volumes one, two, and four.
Dear Lord,
I'm really scared about this operation tomorrow.
If something happens, please look after Marge
and make sure my kids grow up right.
Shh!
Sorry.
...and that's why God causes train wrecks.
My dad is very sick.
What's going to happen if he dies?
Well, if he's been good, he'll go to heaven.
In heaven, you get to do
whatever you like best all the time.
Cloud goes up, cloud goes down.
Bed goes up, bed goes down.
Hey! Hey!
(maniacal laughter)
(gasping)
Hey, what's the matter?
Oh, that's right.
My grotesque appearance.
(laughing)
Krusty, why are you here?
It's part of my public service
for my glug-glug, vroom-vroom, thump-thump.
Oh, well, I could use a good laugh.
Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through.
I know. I'm in the zipper club myself.
(takes long drag)
-You seem okay. -Yeah?
Well, I got news for you. This ain't makeup.
They say the greatest tragedy
is when a father outlives his son.
I've never fully understood why that is.
Frankly, I can see an upside to it.
We passed this card around at work.
Gee, thanks, guys.
They had a hell of a time replacing you.
When I first heard about the operation,
I was against it.
But then I thought
"If Homer wants to be a woman, so be it."
Barney, I'm not getting a sex change.
What?!
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this jumbo thong bikini?
Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
Thanks, Moe.
Uh, you know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
Mom, this is fascinating.
Did you know that they'll stop Dad's heart for six whole minutes?
I don't know if I like you reading
all those cardiology books.
No, Mom, it's very reassuring,
and I 've learned a great deal
from this cow's heart I got at the butcher shop.
(groaning)
MAN: Insert the retractor
and crank it until the ribs swing open
like a rusty drawbridge.
Ohh, no!
Blood! Ugh!
Next, make an incision in the coronary art...
And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
(applause)
Oh, no! No!
Someone taped over the end of this.
All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
And a new candle now and then?
Yes, and a new... No!
(audience laughing)
Oh, my little Maggie.
I may never hold you again.
Eww! Stinky pants.
Now, Marge, if the unthinkable
should happen, you're going to be lonely.
Homie, I could never re-marry.
Darn right.
And to make sure
I want to be stuffed and put on the couch
as a constant reminder of our marital vows.
Kids, you can come in now.
Bed goes up.
Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by
in case something happens.
Let's see.
Uh...
Oh, I'm no good at this.
(whispering)
Bart, the saddest thing about this is
I won't get to see you grow up because...
I know you're going to turn out great
with or without your old man.
Thanks, Dad.
And, Lisa...
I guess this is the time to tell you...
you're adopted, and I don't like you.
Bart!
But don't worry, because you've got
a big brother who loves you
and will always look out for you.
Oh, Dad.
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Hi, Dr. Nick!
(snoring)
Now, if something should go wrong,
let's not get the law involved.
One hand washes the other.
Ooh, that reminds me.
These gloves came free with my toilet brush.
What the hell is that?
Marge, this is Andre.
Hello.
I think you two would make a lovely couple.
My husband is still alive.
Oh. Thank God.
I hope he pulls through.
Not me. (chuckles)
Let's have a minute of silent prayer
for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
How long has it been?
Six seconds.
Do we have to start over?
Hell, no.
Poor Mr. Homer.
Could it be that my snack treats are responsible
for his wretched health?
Give me some jerky.
Would you like some vodka with that?
Oh, what the hell. Sure.
Doctor, what's wrong?
Don't you know where to make the incision?
All right, Nick, don't panic.
Think back to med school.
Seriously, baby.
I can prescribe anything I want.
I know I'm supposed to cut something,
but what and where?
Hey!
The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage!
Below!
Thanks, little girl.
♪ The knee bone's connected ♪
♪ To the something ♪
♪ The something's connected to the red thing ♪
♪ The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... ♪
Uh-oh.
Good news. The operation was a complete success.
Oh, that's wonderful!
(humming)
Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?
Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McCraig,
with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.
All right, Dad!
You rule intensive care!
(sniffling)
(heart beating to tempo of "The Simpsons" theme)
(music stops)
(music continues)
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.