♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
♪ And do my graveyard smash ♪
MARTY: Doing the "Monster Mash" with you
on this beautiful Valentine's Day.
BILL: Marty, why did you play that song today?
There must be thousands of love songs.
MARTY: Well, it's-it's kind of a love song.
All the monsters enjoying each other's company,
you know, dancing.
Holding their evil in check.
BILL: You played the wrong record, didn't you?
MARTY: Why are you doing this to me?
Bah! This is just another Hallmark holiday
cooked up to sell cards.
Oh, a Valentine from my granddaughter.
Could I have the envelope?
"To Moe, from your secret admirer."
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, God, no.
(kisses, belches)
And this is for my huggy bug
in honor of this special day.
(thinking) Special day?
Oh, what have I forgotten now?
Now don't panic. Is it bacon day?
No, that's crazy talk.
She's getting impatient.
Take a stab at it.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Woo-hoo!
I'll bet you have a lot of things planned, eh, Dad?
Uh, kind of.
Nobody makes a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
♪ If you think I'm cuddly ♪
♪ And you want my company ♪
♪ Come on, wifey, let me know ♪
♪ Ow, ow, ow, oww! ♪
Hey, Dad, why don't you give Mom her present?
What a nice idea, son.
It's, uh...
upstairs on the second floor of our house.
I'll just go get it.
(footsteps)
(door slams)
(footsteps)
(Homer grunting and groaning)
(screaming)
Apu, you got to help me.
I need a Valentine's gift for my wife.
Perhaps this might be appropriate.
Yes! You saved my life. How much?
$100.
What? That's highway robbery.
I won't pay it.
Oh, I think you will.
Forget it, pal.
(humming)
All right! But I'll never shop here again.
(thinking) If he discovers the discount supermarket next door,
all is lost.
-Nickel off on expired baby food. -Sold!
Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines?
Not just yet, Janey.
First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes
to store the valentines.
Isn't that pointless busywork?
Bull's-eye! Get cracking.
Yes, Ralph?
My parents won't let me use scissors.
(children giggling)
The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph.
These things couldn't cut butter.
Now take out your red crayons.
Miss Hoover?
Yes, Ralph?
I don't have a red crayon.
-Why not? -I ate it.
Attention, everyone. This is Principal Skinner.
Some student, possibly Bart Simpson,
has been circulating candy hearts
featuring crude, off-color sentiments.
Well, let me tell you something.
Valentine's Day is no joke.
Sending your chick a valentine, huh?
Yep.
(gunfire and screaming)
Johnny.
Johnny!
Johnny!!
Cool. I broke his brain.
All right, children.
You may now exchange valentines.
Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
(chuckling)
(sniffling)
(sobbing)
Poor Ralph.
Here you go, Ralph.
(gasps)
You choo-choo-choose me?
Happy Valentine's.
(sighing)
All right, special holiday meal.
Where do you want these beef hearts?
On the floor.
It doesn't look very clean.
Just do your job, heart-boy.
(creaking)
(heart beats)
(moaning)
Bart, what's wrong?
My baboon heart.
Body...
rejecting it.
(screaming)
Mm-hmm.
(school bell rings)
Can I walk you home... valentine?
Sure, I guess.
That valentine sure was funny.
(chuckles) Glad you liked it.
It says, "Choo-choo-choose me."
And there's a picture of a train.
Yeah, nice gag.
Uh, so...
do you like... stuff?
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nosebleeds
if I kept my finger out of there.
(nervous chuckle) Well, here's my house.
♪ ...and fight, The Itchy & Scratchy show ♪
Hey, kids, don't forget to watch my 29th anniversary show
featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel
whacked out on wowee sauce.
(drunkenly) Everyone's always kissing your ass.
Well, I'm not afraid to tell you,
you're a (bleep).
Oh, I'd give anything to go to that show.
I'd sell my first-born son.
-Hey! -You'll do as you're told.
Ralph thinks I like him,
but I only gave him a valentine
'cause I felt sorry for him.
Ah, sweet pity.
Where would my love life have been without it?
What do you say to a boy
to let him know you're not interested?
Well, honey--
Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend."
"I think we should see other people.
"I no speak English."
I get the idea.
"I'm married to the sea."
"I don't want to kill you, but I will."
Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered,
but you're not ready for this kind of thing.
Thanks, Mom.
And if that doesn't work,
six simple words:
"I'm not gay, but I'll learn."
Ralph, I think you're nice, but I'm just not ready
for this kind of thing.
Do you understand?
I guess so.
Good.
Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
Son, whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut,
the key is persistence.
Keep at it, and never lose your cool.
(grunts)
Ah, come on, you stupid...
Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts.
Okay, Dad. I'll be persistent.
Is that how you got Mom?
Well, son,
never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform.
Oh, yeah!
(Wiggum chewing)
Oh. Mmm. Oh, yeah.
Hey, boys and girls, only four days
till my anniversary show.
29 years, and when I came on,
they said I wouldn't last a week.
And you know where those reviewers are?
All dead.
How you doing down there, fellas? Huh? Huh?
Anyway, here's a clip.
Now why do they call this a urine monkey?
Oh... I just found out.
That's funny for so many reasons.
We have to go to that show.
Forget it. To get those tickets,
our parents would have to be part
of Springfield's cultural elite.
Can you believe Flanders
threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?
Ew.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, no, it's Ralph.
Just make up some excuse.
She's in the can. Go away.
Yes, sir.
I'd do anything for Lisa.
Really?
Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy.
Yeah, they'll do that.
"Dearest Martha, since boyhood
"I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill,
"and with your help, this, I shall achieve.
Sincerely, George Washington."
(class applauds)
Thank you, Rex.
I've selected the cast for our Presidents' Day pageant.
Martha Washington will be played by...
-Lisa Simpson. -(giggles)
HOOVER: George Washington will be played by...
(clears throat)
-Ralph Wiggum. -(gasps)
Hmm.
What? This is a travesty.
Everyone knows I'm the best actor
in this ridiculous school.
-Sit down, Rex. -I will not sit down.
Someone's gotten to you, you deceitful cow.
That's absurd, Rex.
Ralph won the part fair and square.
That's the signal.
Take the boot off the car, boys.
(chuckling)
Now Ralph is in the play with me.
I just know he's going to embarrass me
in front of the whole school.
(knocking)
Huh?
Oh, no, it's a package from Ralph.
Oh, a Malibu Stacy convertible.
"Look in the tunk."
He must mean "trunk."
(gasps) Tickets to the Krusty anniversary show!
Oh, he must want me to go with him.
Oh, it isn't fair.
I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are.
I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test.
I'm not sure I should go. I don't even like him.
You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go.
It wouldn't be honest.
I'll go, disguised as you.
What if he wants to hold hands?
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
What if he wants a kiss?
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
What if he--
You don't want to know how far I'll go.
Dad, is it right
to take things from people you don't like?
Sure it is, honey.
You do mean stealing, don't you?
Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing,
but my conscience is bothering me.
Your conscience?
Lisa, don't let that pushy, little weenie
tell you what to do.
Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.
Oh, shut up.
Yes, sir.
I am so glad you cho-cho-choose to come.
Heh. I think you should give that a rest, Ralph.
Chief Wiggum, how did you ever get these tickets?
Krusty knows how to play ball.
Ah... nothing beats a good porno movie.
Chief Wiggum, is this a bust?
Uh, yeah.
That's just what it is, a bust.
That story isn't suitable for children.
Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
Ew.
ANNOUNCER: It's the Krusty the Clown
29th Anniversary Show!
Hey!
(applause and cheering)
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, Mr. President.
I campaigned for the other guy,
but I voted for you.
(goofy laughter)
You know, I started this show so long ago,
the ayatollah only had a goatee. Ha ha!
(buzzer sounds)
What's the matter,
don't you people read the papers?
Ah, let's look at some clips.
"He will not see me stopping here
to watch his woods fill up with snow..."
Hey, Frosty, you want some snow, man? Bwah!
We discussed this, and I said no.
(applause)
Now, here's a clip from 1973.
♪ Try to run, try to hide ♪
♪ Break on through to the other side ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Ah!
What was I on?
Lisa, do you want a bite of my ice cream?
No, thanks.
Send it this way, boy.
-Whoops. -Aw.
Aw... nothing gets chocolate out. See?
I've worked with some marvelous second bananas over the years,
but none more memorable than Sideshow Raheem.
Uh, the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this.
I wouldn't.
Right on.
(queasy groan)
(applause)
Angry, angry young man.
Now for my favorite part of the show.
What's that say?
"Talk to the audience?"
Oh, God, this is always death.
All right.
Oh, no, please don't show me with Ralph.
What's your name, son?
-Ralph. -(Lisa whimpers)
And is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
Yes, I love Lisa Simpson.
And when I grow up, I'm going to marry her.
No!
Now you listen to me.
I don't like you. I never liked you.
And the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine
was because nobody else would!
Watch this, Lis. You can actually
pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.
And... now.
(groans)
At least you guys are my friends.
(quacking)
(sighing)
Son, I know just how you feel.
You've got a great little girl, and the world's your oyster.
No, Dad, she made a fool out of me.
Hey, come to think of it, she did.
Well, she didn't reckon
with the awesome power of the chief of police.
Now, where did I put my badge?
Hey! That duck's got it.
Oh, come on, come on, give it back.
I need it.
Ah, keep it.
(police siren)
Something wrong, officer?
Yeah, got a taillight out.
Where?
Right there.
You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up
to you crooked cops.
They are? Oh, no.
Have they set a date?
This orange drink is the only way
to recoup our terrible losses from "Fire Drill Follies."
I just don't know what went wrong.
You opened the show with a fire drill,
and everyone cleared out.
Hmm. So mother was right.
It was my fault.
Go ahead, water it down some more.
My God, man, I've watered her down as far as she'll go.
I cannot water no more.
Good evening, everyone, and welcome
to a wonderful evening of theater
and picking up after yourselves.
We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known presidents.
("Hail to the Chief" playing)
♪ We are the mediocre presidents ♪
♪ You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents ♪
♪ There's Taylor, there's Tyler ♪
♪ There's Fillmore and there's Hayes ♪
♪ There's William Henry Harrison ♪
♪ I died in 30 days ♪
♪ We are the adequate, forgettable ♪
♪ Occasionally regrettable ♪
♪ Caretaker presidents ♪
♪ Of the U.S.A. ♪
Hey girls, check out this president.
(imitating Nixon) I am not a butt.
(screaming)
Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth,
or do you want to act like a maniac?
I'll be good.
Ralph, I'm sorry I--
Leave me alone.
I'm here to play George Washington.
Uh... Ralph?
Miss Hoover, this beard's giving me a rash.
Milhouse, you have one line and then you're shot.
Now get out there.
I thought that Civil War would never end.
Now to soothe my head
with an evening at Ford's Theater.
Oh, no, John Wilkes Booth!
Hasta la vista, Abie.
(Milhouse grunting, Bart imitating gunshots)
Come on boy, finish him off.
(screaming)
You're next, Chester A. Arthur.
Unhand me, yankee.
And now our evening comes to an end.
Woo-hoo!
With a thorough re-telling
of the life of George Washington.
HOMER: D'oh!
Dear, dear George Washington.
Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?
Well, can it?
Dear madam, would you put a price
on the air we breathe,
or the providence that sustains us?
But couldn't we just give in to the British?
Never!
(cheering, applause)
That boy is magnificent.
He makes me want to learn more about our founding fathers.
To the library.
Yeah!
Dear Martha, I fear my time is at hand.
Oh, George.
Your broth, Mr. President.
I asked for no broth.
Away with you, lest my cane find your backside.
Hmm, yes.
(sobbing)
Please don't leave me, George.
Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure
with me to the next life,
it would be your tender kiss.
Mmm...
Now that's a man.
I did not cry when me own father
was hung for stealing a pig,
but I'll cry now. (sobbing)
♪ From sea to ♪
♪ Shining sea ♪
Thanks for coming.
And don't forget to purchase some orange drink
for the long ride home.
Ralph! Ralph! You were so good!
Ralph!
Lisa.
Hi, Ralph.
You were great tonight.
Aw, thanks.
I've got something for you.
"Let's bee friends!"
It says "Bee,"
and there's a picture of a bee on it.
(both chuckle)
I thought you'd like it.
Oh, look at that.
Attention, all units.
-Riot in progress at-- -Not tonight.
BILL: Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up
a beautiful President's Day.
MARTY: To George and Abe and all the rest,
here's a special song just for you.
♪ I was working in the lab late one night ♪
MARTY: Doggone it!
♪ When my eyes beheld an eerie sight ♪
♪ For my monster from his slab began to rise ♪
♪ And suddenly to my surprise ♪
♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪
♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ It caught on in a flash ♪
♪ He did the mash ♪
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ From my laboratory in the castle east ♪
♪ To the master bedroom where the vampires feast ♪
♪ The ghouls all came from their humble abodes ♪
♪ To catch a jolt from my electrodes ♪
♪ They did the mash ♪
♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪
♪ They did the mash ♪
♪ It caught on in a flash ♪
♪ They did the mash ♪
♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪
♪ The zombies were having fun ♪
♪ The party had just begun ♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.