1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:10,010 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:14,305 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:19,894 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,904 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,825 (tires screech) 7 00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:35,994 D'oh! 8 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,913 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:56,848 Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, 10 00:00:56,931 --> 00:01:01,019 I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair. 11 00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:02,353 Go-go ray? 12 00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,646 Allow me to demonstrate. 13 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,232 Dah! 14 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,192 What the... 15 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:09,611 (laughing) 16 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,113 Ahh! 17 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:15,742 Can't... stop... doing... The Monkey. 18 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:20,705 (go-go music playing) 19 00:01:22,874 --> 00:01:24,876 (laughing) 20 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,711 I'm disrupting the learning process, 21 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,047 and I love it! (laughs) 22 00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:31,633 First prize. First prize. 23 00:01:31,716 --> 00:01:33,093 LISA: First prize. 24 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,054 First prize. First prize. 25 00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:37,889 Why are you saying that? 26 00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:39,432 Just screwing with your mind. 27 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,392 (chuckling) 28 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:42,977 Homer, I want you 29 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:45,230 to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. 30 00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:48,066 Yeah, syrup is better than jelly. 31 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,944 I've grown a futuristic tomato 32 00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:53,571 by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids. 33 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,281 The kind that help our Olympic athletes 34 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:56,950 reach new peaks of excellence? 35 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:58,535 The very same. 36 00:01:58,618 --> 00:02:00,787 I think this tomato could wipe out world hunger. 37 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,457 More tomato? 38 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:05,875 CHILDREN: Yes, please. 39 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:10,505 Where's your science fair project, boy? 40 00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:12,173 I thought I'd investigate the effects 41 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:14,300 of cigarette smoking on dogs. 42 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,553 (coughing) 43 00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:17,929 (barks weakly) 44 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:20,140 Bart, don't give the dog cigarettes. 45 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,891 (yawns) 46 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:22,892 Well... 47 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,686 time to go to work. 48 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,813 Little do they know I'm ducking out early 49 00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:28,940 to take the Duff Brewery tour. 50 00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:31,526 Roll in at 9:00, punch out at 5:00. 51 00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:32,735 That's the plan. 52 00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,028 (chuckles) 53 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,155 They don't suspect a thing. 54 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,700 Well, off to the plant. 55 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,743 Then to the Duff Brewery. 56 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,162 Uh-oh. 57 00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,997 Did I say that or just think it? 58 00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,623 I got to think of a lie fast. 59 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,584 Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? 60 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:48,877 Aah! 61 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:02,473 "If the plant ye wish to flee, 62 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,475 go to sector 7-B." 63 00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,153 (screams) 64 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:18,239 (hisses) 65 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,949 "To overcome the spider's curse, 66 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,784 simply quote a bible verse." 67 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,412 Uh... thou shalt not... 68 00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:26,206 Oh... 69 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:33,296 Hey, that looks like Princess Di. 70 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,006 (hard thud) 71 00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:37,592 Aw, wait, it's just a pile of rags. 72 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:41,137 Oh, Bart, I forgot my math book. 73 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,473 Would you hold this for me, please? 74 00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:44,474 (as Curly) Soitenly. 75 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:45,516 Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. 76 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,518 (humming) 77 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,646 Whoop. Shoe's untied. 78 00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,356 Over, under, in and out. 79 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,733 That's what shoe tying's all about. 80 00:03:53,816 --> 00:03:55,944 (humming) 81 00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:07,288 Huh? 82 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:11,876 Noooo! 83 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,761 (laughter) 84 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,513 Bart! 85 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,851 (burping) 86 00:04:31,354 --> 00:04:33,314 Welcome to the Duff brewery. 87 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,858 Now I'm sure all of you have heard the rumors 88 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,485 that a batch of Duff was contaminated 89 00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:38,528 with strychnine. 90 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,071 GROUP: Strychnine? 91 00:04:40,154 --> 00:04:41,072 That's news to me. 92 00:04:41,155 --> 00:04:42,490 Are you sure? 93 00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:44,117 Well, everyone's talking about it. 94 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,910 It was even on CNN last night. 95 00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:46,911 CNN? 96 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,538 Oh... 97 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:49,956 Well, it's not true. Let's go! 98 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,213 Now here's one of our favorite Duff Beer commercials 99 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,674 from the early 1950s. 100 00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:03,928 Only Duff fills your Q-zone with pure beer goodness. 101 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,889 So drink up... 102 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:07,932 and up... 103 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:08,891 and up. 104 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,771 Duff Beer, 105 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:16,190 Proud sponsors of "Amos 'n' Andy." 106 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,526 We're proud of all of our Duff commercials, 107 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,946 but here's a very special one from 1960. 108 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,490 Well, I would suggest, Mr. Vanocur, 109 00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,284 that if you knew the president, 110 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:29,162 that that was probably just a facetious remark. 111 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:32,081 ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor. 112 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,000 I would like to take this opportunity 113 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:36,711 to express my fondness for Duff Beer. 114 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,380 (crowd cheering) 115 00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,549 I'd also like to express my fondness 116 00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:43,176 for that particular beer. 117 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,261 (crowd murmuring) 118 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,513 The man never drank a Duff in his life. 119 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,725 And here we have Duff, Duff Lite, 120 00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:53,144 and our newest flavor, Duff Dry. 121 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,315 What does the future hold for Duff? 122 00:05:57,398 --> 00:06:00,318 Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. 123 00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,445 -Like what? -Um... 124 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,863 I'd rather not get into it right now. 125 00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,198 -Why not? -All right, 126 00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:06,824 we don't have any ideas for the future. 127 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,035 -We got nothing. Happy? -No. 128 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:10,995 (sobbing) 129 00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,498 Mom, Bart wrecked my project 130 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:16,125 and the science fair's in three days. 131 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,752 Hmm. 132 00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,879 Well, I've got an idea. 133 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:20,963 Why don't you run a hamster 134 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,507 through a maze? 135 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,096 Help me. Help me! 136 00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,931 (evil chuckle) 137 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:31,224 What's so funny? 138 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,726 Oh... uh... I was just thinking 139 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,354 of a joke I saw on "Herman's Head". (insincere chuckle) 140 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:37,855 Mmm. 141 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:40,441 Now this is the most important man on the tour. 142 00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:43,027 He's in charge of quality control. 143 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,655 Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. 144 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,616 Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. 145 00:06:48,699 --> 00:06:50,034 Nose. Fine. 146 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:53,162 Let me just say, you're doing a great job, Phil. 147 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,414 Hey, thanks a lot. 148 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:55,748 That makes it all worthwhile. 149 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,417 HOMER: Mmm... 150 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,085 Gummi beer. 151 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:03,131 Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. 152 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,590 Are you crazy? 153 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,218 We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, 154 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,471 Lady Duff, Tartar Control Duff... 155 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,348 (groans) 156 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:18,938 Barney, give me your keys. 157 00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:20,356 You're too drunk to drive. 158 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,607 I'm fine. 159 00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:25,361 Okay. You leave me no option. 160 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,238 Ow! What was that for? 161 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:29,240 I'm trying to knock you out! 162 00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,450 Ow! 163 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,701 Cut it out! 164 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,454 Ow! 165 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,955 Ow! 166 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:37,373 Ow! 167 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,666 Ow! 168 00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:39,834 Ow! 169 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,461 All right, here. Take the keys. 170 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:49,552 Look alive, boys. 171 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,804 A couple of stewed prunes heading your way. 172 00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,017 (sirens wailing) 173 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,018 Gulp. 174 00:07:57,101 --> 00:08:00,021 ♪ ...w, x, y and z ♪ 175 00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,815 ♪ Now I know my abc's ♪ 176 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,985 ♪ Won't you come and play with me? ♪ 177 00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:07,195 Flawless. 178 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,279 We also would have accepted 179 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,448 "Tell me what you think of me." 180 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:11,449 Well, I guess you're free to-- 181 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:12,909 Give him the breathalyzer! 182 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:13,868 Huh? 183 00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:14,994 (buzzes) 184 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,121 -You're under arrest. -D'oh! 185 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:19,916 Think you can get this car home? 186 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,959 Sure thing, giant beer. 187 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,338 Ooh! Ow! 188 00:08:25,421 --> 00:08:27,632 Ow! Mother of mercy! 189 00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:29,091 (laughing) 190 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,260 Hey, this is kind of fun. 191 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,137 Whee! (laughs) 192 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,180 Whee! Ow! 193 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,352 (phone ringing) 194 00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,770 Hello? 195 00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,397 Yeah, Mrs. Simpson I have some bad news. 196 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,691 Your husband was found D.O.A. 197 00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,401 Oh, my god! He's dead?! 198 00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:49,028 Oh, wait! I mean D.W.I. 199 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,154 (chuckles) 200 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,657 I always get those two mixed up. 201 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,367 My name's Mrs. Phillips. 202 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,953 You said my husband is D.W.I.? 203 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,579 Uh... 204 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,332 Why don't you talk to that officer over there? 205 00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:02,458 I'm going out to lunch. 206 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,752 Don't worry, Homer. 207 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,712 I have a foolproof strategy 208 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:07,713 to get you out of here. 209 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,799 Surprise witnesses-- 210 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,634 Each more surprising than the last. 211 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:14,554 I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him. 212 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,890 -Ow! -Pipe down in there, Hutz. 213 00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,934 Your license is hereby revoked, 214 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:21,519 and you are to attend traffic school, 215 00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,646 and two months of alch-anon meetings. 216 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,481 Your honor, I'd like that last remark 217 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,358 -stricken from the record. -No. 218 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,780 It doesn't get any better than this. 219 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:36,117 I want the most intelligent hamster you've got. 220 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,368 Okay. 221 00:09:37,451 --> 00:09:38,786 Uh... 222 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:40,580 This little guy writes mysteries 223 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,748 under the name of J.D. MacGregor. 224 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,750 How can a hamster write mysteries? 225 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:48,004 Well, he gets the ending first then he works backward. 226 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,171 Aw, come on. 227 00:09:49,255 --> 00:09:50,590 Look, kid, just take him 228 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:51,841 before his mother eats him, all right? 229 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,551 Have a good day at work, honey. 230 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,017 Ha-ha! 231 00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,101 Stupid bicycle. 232 00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:03,269 Can't believe this. 233 00:10:03,352 --> 00:10:04,729 No good, rotten... 234 00:10:04,812 --> 00:10:05,730 (bell rings) 235 00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:07,231 (chuckles) 236 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,191 I guess it's not all bad. 237 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:12,153 "I propose to determine the answer to the question: 238 00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,239 Is my brother dumber than a hamster?" 239 00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,074 Hey, Lis. Look what I can do. 240 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:19,660 (muffled grunts) 241 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:20,661 Doggone it. 242 00:10:34,383 --> 00:10:35,301 (gasps) 243 00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:36,802 Remarkable! 244 00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:40,640 Stupid books. 245 00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,016 Hey, a cupcake. 246 00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,644 (grunting) 247 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:47,563 Mm-hmm. 248 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:48,522 Dah! 249 00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:53,569 Hamster: One... 250 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,863 Bart: Zero. 251 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,698 Experiment two. 252 00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,660 The food is connected to a mild electrical current. 253 00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:05,081 The hamster has learned a valuable lesson-- 254 00:11:05,164 --> 00:11:07,208 "Beware the hand of man." 255 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,002 (whistling) 256 00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,132 Oh, a wise guy, eh? 257 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,719 (grunts like Curly) 258 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:19,929 Ow. 259 00:11:20,012 --> 00:11:20,971 Ow. 260 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:21,889 Ow. 261 00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:22,848 (snickers) 262 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:27,436 Hamster: Two, Bart: Zero. 263 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,732 Now, if any of you ever think of drinking and driving again, 264 00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:34,235 this film will scare the pants off of you. 265 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,239 (screams) 266 00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:40,574 Guys, guys, this is the wrong movie. 267 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,326 Oh, wait a second. 268 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,619 I do something really funny here. 269 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,961 (laughing) 270 00:11:52,044 --> 00:11:52,920 (sighs) 271 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,721 What a terrible waste. 272 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,098 Hi. I'm actor Troy McClure. 273 00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,726 You might remember me from such driver's ed films as 274 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,186 "Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass 275 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,897 and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." 276 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,691 For the next 60 minutes, 277 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:17,403 we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims. 278 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,280 (wacky comedy music playing) 279 00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,073 (tires screeching) 280 00:12:21,157 --> 00:12:23,617 (crashing) 281 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:24,869 (tires screeching) 282 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:26,704 (crashing) 283 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,797 (crashing) 284 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,507 TROY: Here's an appealing fellow. 285 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,218 In fact, they're a-peeling him off the sidewalk. 286 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,678 (laughing) 287 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,222 It's funny 'cause I don't know him. 288 00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:49,059 I'm here for the alch-anon meeting. 289 00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,853 Mm-hmm. Third door on your left. 290 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:52,646 Coping with senility? 291 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,357 No. I'm here for microwave cookery. 292 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:56,901 No, wait. 293 00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:58,360 Coping with senility. 294 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,281 My name is Ned. 295 00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:03,824 -Hello, Ned. -Hello, Ned. 296 00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:07,119 It's been 4,000 days since my last drink. 297 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:10,498 It was my first and last blackberry schnapps. 298 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,836 Ned, did you clip Ann Landers today? 299 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,339 Ann Landers is a boring old biddy. 300 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:19,548 (gasps) Ned! 301 00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,803 I was more animal than man. 302 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,763 My name is Otto. 303 00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:28,182 I love to get blotto. 304 00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,559 My name is Hans. 305 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,770 Drinking has ruined my life. 306 00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:35,815 I'm 31 years old. 307 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,483 My name is Homer, 308 00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,401 and I'm just here because the court made me come. 309 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:40,653 Homer, with our help, 310 00:13:40,736 --> 00:13:43,197 you'll never touch a beer again. 311 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:44,448 (screaming) 312 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:51,622 So they say I might have a problem. 313 00:13:51,705 --> 00:13:52,832 (snorts) 314 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,626 Homie, do you ever drink alone? 315 00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,378 Does the Lord count as a person? 316 00:13:57,461 --> 00:13:58,546 No. 317 00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:00,047 Then yes. 318 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,216 Do you need a beer to fall asleep? 319 00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,551 Thank you. That would be nice. 320 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,095 Do you ever hide beer around the house? 321 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,054 Do I ever. 322 00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,015 Ah! 323 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,852 Do you ever drink to escape from reality? 324 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:18,315 (humming "The Cancan") 325 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:22,695 Homie, I'd like you to do something for me. 326 00:14:22,778 --> 00:14:24,154 You name it. 327 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,198 I want you to give up beer for a month. 328 00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,284 You got it. No deer for a month. 329 00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,828 Did you say "beer" or "deer"? 330 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:33,789 Deer. 331 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,666 Please, Homie. 332 00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,377 I know you can do this. 333 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,753 All right. 334 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:42,047 Starting tomorrow, no beer for a month. 335 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:45,551 (pop-top can opens) 336 00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,011 MARGE: What was that noise? 337 00:14:47,094 --> 00:14:48,971 HOMER: I was saying, "Psst, I love you." 338 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:53,934 Bart, could you go get the cupcakes? 339 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:55,477 Cupcakes, cupcakes! 340 00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:56,937 Yes, sweet cakes for all. 341 00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:06,572 (shivering) 342 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,787 Well, beer, we've had some great times. 343 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:18,709 ♪ When I was seventeen ♪ 344 00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:22,504 ♪ I drank some very good beer ♪ 345 00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:28,510 ♪ I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. ♪ 346 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,805 ♪ My name was Brian McGee ♪ 347 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:35,392 ♪ I stayed up listening to Queen ♪ 348 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:38,312 ♪ When I was seventeen ♪ 349 00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:39,313 (sniffles) 350 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:45,778 Huh? 351 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:49,782 She'll pay for this. 352 00:15:49,865 --> 00:15:52,076 I'm going to crush her like this pellet. 353 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,077 Ow! 354 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,078 Ow! 355 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,079 Ow! 356 00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,080 Ow! 357 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,039 Ow! 358 00:15:58,165 --> 00:15:59,792 (gasps) 359 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:02,962 BART: Looking for something? 360 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:04,630 What have you done with my report? 361 00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,507 I've hidden it. 362 00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,550 To find it, you'll need to decipher a series of clues, 363 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:09,760 -each more fiendish than-- -Got it. 364 00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:10,719 D'oh! 365 00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:16,517 Behold gravity in all its glory. 366 00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,523 Pretty lame, Milhouse. 367 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,274 Can I touch it? 368 00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:25,651 I've worked too long and hard on this 369 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:26,902 for you to screw it up now. 370 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,654 But it's got my name on it. 371 00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:31,156 Just stand over there. 372 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,241 Over there! 373 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,284 Behold the flying machine 374 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,787 that will carry me, Phileas Fogg, 375 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:40,374 around the world in 80 days. 376 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,755 Dang! I was aiming for his head. 377 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,799 Don't think about beer. 378 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,723 Mmm, alcohol-fueled car. 379 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:58,308 One for you. One for me. 380 00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:01,061 One for you. One for me. 381 00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,397 (groans) 382 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:07,151 I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother. 383 00:17:07,234 --> 00:17:08,736 Please, Mother, 384 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:11,697 it's purely in the interest of science. 385 00:17:11,780 --> 00:17:13,657 That'll learn him to bust my tomater. 386 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:16,035 (crowd cheering) 387 00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:19,246 (gasps) 388 00:17:19,329 --> 00:17:21,081 BART: Step right up, folks. 389 00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:22,583 We'll answer the question 390 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,002 that has been plaguing scientists for ages-- 391 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,337 Can hamsters fly planes? 392 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,922 (crowd murmuring) 393 00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:31,925 MAN: Oh, look he's got miniature goggles on. 394 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:33,177 Oh! And a little scarf. 395 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:35,763 -Isn't that adorable? -Oh-ho! 396 00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:39,058 But this project has no scientific merit. 397 00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,267 Take a hike, sister. 398 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,685 Oh, missy, sour grapes. 399 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,271 Lisa, every good scientist is half B.F. Skinner 400 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,315 and half P.T. Barnum. 401 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,233 I don't think I need to see the other exhibits. 402 00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,860 First prize. 403 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,236 (crowd applauds) 404 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:55,240 (sighs) 405 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,241 One down. 406 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:58,327 29 to go. 407 00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,245 WOMEN: Down with sexism! 408 00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,957 Down with sexism! 409 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:05,918 Look at all those feminists. 410 00:18:06,001 --> 00:18:07,753 You thinking what I'm thinking? 411 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:12,299 (rock music playing) 412 00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,967 (women laughing) 413 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:14,968 -Yeah! -Yeah! 414 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:16,553 All right! 415 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:22,309 TV, have you turned on me too? 416 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:26,146 (organ plays) 417 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,232 ANNOUNCER: The windup and the two-two pitch... 418 00:18:28,315 --> 00:18:29,817 Oh, no, sir! Wait a minute. 419 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,694 The batter is calling for time. 420 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,572 Looks like he's going and getting himself a new bat. 421 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,742 And now there's a beach ball on the field. 422 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:40,410 And the ball boys are discussing 423 00:18:40,494 --> 00:18:42,788 which one of them's going to go get it. 424 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:46,500 I never realized how boring this game is. 425 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,379 I think I've lost weight. 426 00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,089 You've never looked better. 427 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,593 Thank you all for coming. 428 00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,804 We've got some very interesting developments 429 00:18:58,887 --> 00:19:00,806 in the field of supperware. 430 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:01,932 Uh-huh. 431 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:04,977 This is the 128-ounce tub. 432 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,937 You can fit your whole head in it. 433 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:12,234 Don't be scared, Jubjub. 434 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,069 It's mama. 435 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,029 I would kill everyone in this room 436 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,740 for a drop of sweet beer. 437 00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:22,202 So, Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. 438 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,996 There's no judgment here. 439 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:27,082 The other day I was so desperate for a beer 440 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,750 I snuck into the football stadium 441 00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,169 and ate the dirt under the bleachers. 442 00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:33,213 -(gasping) -I cast thee out! 443 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:34,339 Don't think about beer. 444 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,465 Don't think about beer. 445 00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:37,342 Don't think about beer. 446 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:38,385 Ah! 447 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,096 Ah! 448 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,806 (train whistle blowing) 449 00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:47,728 TRAIN: Chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, 450 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,646 chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug, chug-a-lug. 451 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,231 (screams) 452 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:04,995 No! 453 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,291 30 days. 454 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:11,043 I'm proud of you, Homie. 455 00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,461 Marge, I'm going to Moe's. 456 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:13,837 Send the kids to the neighbors 457 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,130 I'm coming back loaded. 458 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:20,344 Mmm... you don't have to start drinking right away. 459 00:20:20,427 --> 00:20:22,679 I was thinking we could go for a bike ride. 460 00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:25,641 But Marge, the barflies are expecting me. 461 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:29,603 Moe and Barney and that guy who calls me Bill. 462 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,188 But you look better. 463 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,357 You don't sweat while you eat anymore, 464 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,276 and look, you've saved more than $100. 465 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,861 I found it in your pants. 466 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,279 Yoink! 467 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,489 Mmm. 468 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,867 -(panting) -Well, well, 469 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,369 look who it is? 470 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:48,330 Mr. I-don't-need-alcohol- to-enjoy-life. 471 00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,123 We hate him, right, fellas? 472 00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,251 (muttering) 473 00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,253 Moe, give me a beer. 474 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:56,588 Hey, everybody, Homer's back! 475 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,257 (muttering) 476 00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:06,056 (burps) 477 00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,688 Come on, Homer, do it for your old pal, Moesy. 478 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:16,066 But, Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of-- 479 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:17,943 Pipe down, Rub-a-dub! 480 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:18,819 Ow. 481 00:21:21,738 --> 00:21:23,031 Put it in the fridge, Moe. 482 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,950 I've got a date with my wife. 483 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:27,661 You'll be back! 484 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,371 And so will you, 485 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:30,372 and you, 486 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,874 and you. 487 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:34,501 Of course, I'll be back. 488 00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:36,461 If you didn't close, I'd never leave. 489 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:41,008 HOMER: ♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪ 490 00:21:41,091 --> 00:21:46,138 ♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪ 491 00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:49,224 BOTH: ♪ La-la la-la-la, la ♪ 492 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:54,021 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la-la la-la la-la-la... ♪ 493 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:58,442 ♪ Because I'm free ♪ 494 00:21:58,525 --> 00:22:03,363 ♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪ 495 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,202 ♪♪ 496 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:22,549 ♪ It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me♪ 497 00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:30,932 ♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪ 498 00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:36,313 ♪ But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red ♪ 499 00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,648 ♪ Crying's not for me ♪ 500 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:44,154 ♪ 'Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining ♪ 501 00:22:44,237 --> 00:22:48,575 ♪ Because I'm free ♪ 502 00:22:48,658 --> 00:22:53,789 ♪ Nothing's worrying me ♪ 503 00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,168 (bell rings, Homer laughs) 504 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,464 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.