♪ The Simpsons ♪
(chalk screeches)
(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(tires screeching)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screech)
(elephants trumpeting)
Mmm, delicious.
Now, Krusty, I hear it's your birthday.
So, I got your mother's recipe for matzo balls.
Hey, I don't do the Jewish stuff on the air.
But, Herschel, bubelah--
Ix-nay on the Ew-jay.
Roll the cartoon!
It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
Marge, it happened again.
Ohh--
What are you gonna change your name to
when you grow up?
Lois Sanborn.
Steve Bennett.
♪ They fight, and fight ♪
♪ They fight and fight and fight ♪
♪ Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ The Itchy & Scratch show ♪
Ow!
Hee-hee-hee!
-Ow! -Hee-hee-hee!
This is a rather lifeless outing.
Don't worry, they're building to something.
Ow!
Hee-hee-hee!
BOTH: Kids, say "no" to drugs.
I could pull a better cartoon out of my a--
(nervous chuckle)
Hey, whoa, wasn't that great, kids?
That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons
of the late '30s.
The writers should be ashamed of themselves.
Cartoons have writers?
Yeah, sort of.
Oh yeah, well, you and I could write
a better cartoon than that.
Write a cartoon ourselves?
Bart, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Probably not.
Lie in the snow and count to 60.
Hi-yah!
(evil laugh)
Merry Christmas, suckers.
MARGE: "Third notice?"
"Final notice?"
"Some guys are coming?"
What's this?
An invitation to our high school reunion!
Gee, that's odd.
They didn't send one to you.
This is it, Homer.
It's time to tell her
the terrible secret from your past.
Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Oh, my God.
No, the other secret.
Marge, I never graduated from high school.
That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap.
Wait, maybe it does.
I never passed Remedial Science 1A.
And you're a nuclear technician?
Marge, ix-nay on the uclear-nay echnician-tay.
What did you say?
I don't know. I flunked Latin too.
According to this book
the first thing we need is a setting.
Okay, settings-- settings-- settings--
setting--
(groans)
How about a barber shop?
Great!
Scratchy's getting a haircut.
Then Itchy, the barber,
chops Scratchy's head off with the razor.
(Bart laughs)
Ah, too predictable.
The way I see it, instead of shampoo,
Itchy covers Scratchy's hair with Bar-B-Q sauce.
Opens a box
of flesh-eating ants
and the rest writes itself.
(screams)
Hey, this show ain't no good.
Hyah!
Finished.
Now, all we have to do is put our names on it.
Fine-- put my name first.
No way.
All right, then to decide it
I propose a race around the world.
Meet me at Leicester Square at noon tomorrow.
The queen herself shall drop the checkered flag.
Look, there's only one reasonable way
to settle this.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Poor predictable Bart.
Always takes rock.
Good old rock.
Nothing beats that.
-Rock. -Paper.
D'oh!
MAN: You call this writing?
If I puked in a fountain pen
and mailed it to the monkey house I'd get better scripts.
But, sir, at Harvard--
Oh, at Harvard they taught you-- Hit the streets, egghead.
You should have majored in not getting fired.
Sir, a Lisa and Bart Simpson
sent you a script.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Dear Mr. Meyers:
"My brother and I watch your show.
"You should be proud that children everywhere--"
Blah-blah-blah, bling-bling-bling, blah.
Hey, egghead!
Sing "Fair Harvard."
♪ Fair, Harvard ♪
♪ I-- ♪
You, sir, have the boorish manners
of a Yalie.
Here's a witty rejoinder for ya!
(groans)
Bart, they rejected our script.
I guess we're just not cut out to be writers.
Maybe he just doesn't take us seriously
'cause we're kids.
Let's put a grown-up's name on it.
How about Grandpa? He's pretty out of it.
He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year.
ABE: When I read your magazine,
I don't see one wrinkled face or a single toothless grin.
For shame!
To the sickos at Modern Bride magazine.
Hey, Grandpa.
We need to know your first name.
You're making my tombstone!
No, we're just curious.
All right, let's see--. First name, first name.
Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.
It holds the answer to all of the important questions.
Call me Abraham Simpson.
Grandpa, how did you take off your underwear
without taking off your pants?
I don't know.
(groans)
Hmm!
(chuckles)
(knocking)
What?
Sir, you locked my office,
and I wanted to get my Harvard mug.
Shut up!
(groans)
(chuckles)
(laughing)
Roxie, get me Abraham Simpson.
(phone ringing)
Phone call, Simpson.
Yeah?
Is this the Abraham Simpson
who wrote the Itchy and Scratchy episode?
Itchy and what?
You must be some kind of crazy person.
I'm sorry, but we have a substantial check here
for a Mr. Abraham Simpson.
That's right. I did the Iggy.
Ah, my high school yearbook.
You handsome devil.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."
(chuckles)
"Activities: None.
"Sports: None.
Honors: None."
So many memories.
Time to go to the reunion.
It will be great to see the old gang again.
Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
That was "Happy Days."
No, they weren't all happy days.
Like the time Pinky Tuscadero crashed her motorcycle
or the night I lost all my money to those cardsharps
and my dad, Tom Bosley, had to get it back.
(groans)
Hello, Principal Dondalinger.
Oh, Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you.
Sorry, sir.
We're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight
but we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
-D'oh! -Oh, it's you, Simpson.
Eech.
Look. There's Bobby Mindich, the class clown.
I am not a crook.
(laughs)
Richard Nixon.
I know.
♪ Do the hustle ♪
(laughs)
Oh, my God.
It's my old boyfriend Artie Ziff.
(humming)
Hello, Marge. Have you heard?
I'm stinking rich. Jealous?
I'll bet you'd trade it all for one night with my wife.
I would.
Hmm!
Homer!
(imitating Cheech and Chong) Hey, man, it's Dave.
Open up, man.
Dave's not here, man.
(laughs loudly)
Okay, now let's move on.
(laughing) The guy's so high
he doesn't even know that's Dave.
Homer. Homer?
Homer's not here, man.
Okay. Very good.
Now let's get on with our
(imitating Ed Sullivan) really big show.
-Ed Sullivan. -Shh.
First, the award for the alumnus who's gained the most weight.
-Homer Simpson. -Oh, my God!
How did you do it, Homer?
I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.
And now, the award for most improved odor.
Homer Simpson.
Yes!
And the person who traveled the least distance to be here--
(southern accent) Well, kiss my grits.
Homer Simpson.
What can I say?
It hasn't been easy staying in my rut.
Class of '74
I was just leafing through your permanent records
when I discovered something shocking.
Homer Simpson never passed Remedial Science 1A
and thus never graduated from high school.
(gasping)
I'm sorry, Simpson, I'm gonna have to take back those awards.
(laughter)
This is Howard Cosmell.
Homer Simpson is a boob.
What do you think, J.J.?
Dyno-mite!
Didn't graduate?
How low can you get?
Barney, where's your cummerbund?
It fell in the toilet.
Marge, I have my pride.
I'm going to go to night school,
earn my high school diploma
and get back my "most improved odor" trophy.
Mmm.
You're a comedy writer?
My God, you're so old.
I want my check!
(laughs)
You're a writer, all right.
All right, here you go, Simpson.
I want another one!
You're a funny guy.
How would you like a staff job, I'll start you at $800 a week?
My chest hurts.
All right, leeches.
I want you to see what a good writer looks like.
His name is Abraham Simpson, and he's got something
you couldn't get at your fancy schools--
Life experience.
Actually, I wrote my thesis on life experience and--
Quiet!
Abe, tell them about your amazing life.
I spent 40 years as a night watchman
at a cranberry silo.
Wow!
So, this patch steadily releases nicotine into my body
eliminating my need for cigarettes.
(goofy laugh)
(grunting)
Roll the cartoon.
♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪
Bart, our cartoon's on TV!
All right!
Turn up the volume.
MAN: Erosion is a slow but steady process.
(screaming)
Ah, this show ain't no good.
Hyah!
(piano plays)
♪ They fought and bit ♪
♪ They fought and fought and bit ♪
♪ Fought, fought, fought bit, bit, bit ♪
♪ It was the Itchy & Scratchy show ♪
(playing end theme from Stephen J. Cannell productions)
(sighing)
Bart, Lisa, I have something to tell you
and I'm not proud of it.
Dad, whatever you say,
you know you'll always have my love and respect.
I never graduated from high school.
(laughing)
(growls)
(gagging)
(doorbell rings)
Hello, son.
I was on my way home from work
and thought I'd drop by.
Oh... you have a job?
They pay me $800 a week
to tell a cat and mouse what to do.
I see.
♪ La, la-la, la-la, la-la ♪
♪ La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la, la-la--♪
Dad, can we talk to Grandpa alone for a minute?
All right, but if he starts to wig out
try to lure him into the cellar.
Then we put your name on the script and sent it in.
Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks
for doing absolutely nothing?
I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
Grandpa, we could write the scripts for you
and split the money three ways.
I don't know.
I'd better sleep on it.
(snoring)
Grandpa?
-Grandpa! -Ah! Duh!
Oh, why did you wake me?
I was having the nicest dream.
I dreamt I was the queen of the old west.
I kept a six-shooter in my garter, I did.
-Do we have a deal? -Sure, sure.
(snoring)
Boys, stop!
You can both marry me.
Whoo!
Whoo! Yee-hee!
Hey, how would you kids like a tour of the studio?
BOTH: Yay!
Abe, you coming?
-Any stairs? -Just one.
Nuts to you.
(snoring)
Wow, it must be expensive to produce all these cartoons.
Well, we cut corners.
Sometimes, to save money
our animators will reuse the same backgrounds
over and over and over again.
Welcome to Remedial Science 1A.
My wife recently passed away.
I thought teaching might ease my loneliness.
Will this be on the test?
-No. -Oh.
Hey, Mel, bring me another nicotine patch.
I think there's some space on my butt.
And now here's another fine Itchy & Scratchy cartoon
by Abraham Simpson.
ALL: Yay!
(screaming)
Now I'm going to burn this doughnut to show you
how many calories it has.
No!
The bright blue flame indicates this was
a particularly sweet doughnut.
(sobbing)
This is not happening.
ABE: Dear Mr. President:
There are too many states nowadays.
Please eliminate three.
I am not a crackpot.
Good news, Abe.
Who are you?
No, no, you've been nominated for an award.
You're so good, I fired the other writers.
From now on, the fate of the entire company
rests on that delightful coconut of yours.
Oh, no, we're all doomed.
I'm a complete fraud.
Sorry, I didn't catch any of that.
And now I got to go.
All right, here are your exams.
50 questions, true or false.
True.
Homer, I was just describing the test.
-True. -Look, Homer,
just take the test and you'll do fine.
False.
All right, brain,
you don't like me, and I don't like you
but let's just do this
and I can get back to killing you with beer.
It's a deal.
Thank you for this award.
It is a tribute to this great country
that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt
could win back your trust.
Yo, Grandpa, time for the awards.
Did you call the girl from the escort service?
They said their insurance won't cover you.
That's an onion in the ointment.
ANNOUNCER: And now to present the award
for outstanding writing in a cartoon series,
Krusty the Clown and Brooke Shields.
Well, here we are--.
The star of "The Blue Lagoon" and me, the blue-haired goon.
What the--
That's terrible.
Cartoons have the power to make us laugh and to make us cry.
Wouldn't you agree, Krusty?
First of all, my hair is green, not blue.
I got nothing to work with here. Nothing.
Uh--
Well, at least I can take off this girdle.
(grunting)
Oh, yeah.
The nominees for best writing in a cartoon series are:
Strongdar, Master of Acom.
"The Wedding" episode.
Action Figure Man.
The "How to Buy Action Figure Man" episode.
Please, Mommy, I want it.
Hmm--
Ren and Stimpy. Season premiere.
And finally, Itchy & Scratchy.
The "Little Barber Shop of Horrors" episode.
Cross my fingers for me.
(cracking)
That's gonna hurt come winter.
(screaming)
(giggling)
And the winner is--
"Itchy & Scratchy.
Abraham Simpson, writer."
BART: All right, Grandpa, whoo!
That was the first time I ever saw Itchy & Scratchy
and I didn't like it one bit.
It was disgusting and violent.
I think all you people are despicable.
For shame!
(grumbling)
He's right. We've been wasting our lives.
The hell with cartoons.
I'm gonna do what I've always dreamed of.
I want to write that sitcom about the sassy robot.
Here, kids, I guess you deserve this.
Let's go.
LISA: I guess nobody likes the truth, huh, Grandpa?
Nope.
BART: I'll never watch an awards show again
unless that delightful Billy Crystal is involved.
Marge, I passed!
That's wonderful, Homie.
At our next high school reunion
I'll have nothing to be ashamed of.
Hello, Dondalinger.
Simpson, is that a plunger stuck on your head?
D'oh!
(groans)
♪ Hens love roosters ♪
♪ Geese love ganders ♪
♪ Everyone else loves Ned Flanders ♪
Not me.
♪ Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders ♪
Knock that off, you two.
It's time for church.
We're not going to church today.
(gasps) What?
You give me one good reason.
It's Saturday.
Okely-dokely-doo.
♪ Hens love roosters ♪
♪ Geese love ganders ♪
♪ Everyone else loves Ned Flanders ♪
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.