♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screeching)
Oh, damn F.D.A. Why can't it all be marshmallow?
Ew, Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces
back in the box, they go in the trash.
Ooh, you like sweets, kids?
I know a place that's sweeter than sweetness itself.
In this sweet place,
earthly doughnuts are sour as poison.
You'd spit them out, you would.
I'm talking about the candy industry trade show.
How did you get tickets?
They hid them in every millionth Krusty Klump Bar
and Krusty Klump Bar with almonds.
Hey, Hey, Hey!
I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise.
You leave me no choice but to ask you nicely again.
Can I come to the candy show?
-No! Me! Me! -Huh? Can I?
Sorry kids, but this is the one event
I want my darling wife by my side.
Oh, well, thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids.
Marge, they can't carry enough candy.
They have puny little muscles.
Not big, ropy ones like you.
(groans)
You go, Mom, for the greater good.
For the greater good.
Homer, are all these pockets necessary?
They wouldn't be if you were willing to sit in a hollowed-out wheelchair.
(doorbell rings)
That's the baby-sitter.
No one in town will sit for you two anymore.
I had to choose between a grad student at the university
and a scary-looking hobo.
Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.
Hi. I'm Ashley Grant.
-(Bart groans) -(gasps) Ashley Grant!
You gave a talk on women's issues at my school
on how we don't have to be second-class citizens.
Mom, how can you leave us with this maniac?
Hurry, Marge! If we get there early, we can get our pictures taken
with the two surviving musketeers.
There's also a baby somewhere upstairs.
-(door slams) -So, you're one of those
"don't call me a chick" chicks, huh?
Sorry about my unenlightened brother.
He will make the next few hours a living hell.
Oh, I don't know.
See this, Bart?
Disemboweler IV.
The game where condemned criminals
dig at each other with rusty hooks.
Mm-hmm... Do a little housework,
and you can play for five minutes.
No way.
Yes'm.
See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame.
They all follow their video cartridges.
Ow.
MAN (on P.A.): Mr. Goodbar to the front desk.
The front desk is looking for Mr. Goodbar.
(gasps) I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.
Yeah! Ooh!
Great.
Exquisite.
Oh, you'll do well.
Give me those.
As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour
it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field.
The candy, known as 77-X-42...
Where the hell is the candy?
(muffled) I don't know.
Hey, sir, try our wax lips.
It's the candy of 1,000 uses.
Like what?
One, a humorous substitute for your own lips.
-Keep going. -Two, uh...
Ooh, I'm needed in the basement.
Hmm.
You're going to have to put some sugar
-on that celery or get out, ma'am. -(Marge groans)
(overlapping chatter)
Ooh, Gummi Bears, Gummi Calves' Heads,
Gummi Jaw Breakers.
(Homer gasps)
What's that?
That is the rarest Gummi of them all.
The Gummi Venus de Milo.
Carved by Gummi artisans
who work exclusively in the medium of Gummi.
Will you two stop saying Gummi so much?
Must have rare Gummi.
Distract the salesman.
No, I won't make a spectacle out of myself any further.
Oh! Whoa! Oh!
How'd they get there?
(laughs nervously)
Now, this is going to take all my skill.
(chuckles)
(alarm wailing)
Halt, halt!
Run, Marge!
Save the booty!
After him! He has the Gummi!
(all shouting)
See you in hell, candy boys!
Ahhhh!
(giggling)
Hey, Lise, I found a big caramel deposit
at the small of her back.
I'm coming.
(giggling)
(laughing)
-Whoo! -Whoo!
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Where's my Gummi de Milo?
Okay, don't panic.
She can't have gotten far.
She has no arms.
I'm sure it'll turn up.
Take the baby-sitter home now.
She's been sitting in the car for 20 minutes.
Relax Marge, there's plenty for her to do in there.
(horn honking)
See? She's having the time of her life.
So, a graduate student, huh?
How come you guys can go to the moon
but you can't make my shoes smell good?
-I'm sorry. -Ah, nobody's blaming you.
Hey, would you take the wheel for a second,
I have to scratch myself in two places at once.
Just drop me off here.
(gasps)
Precious Venus.
-(gasps) -(groaning)
-(screams) -(door slams)
Thank you.
(sighs)
(groaning)
Hey, kids, lots of candy left for breakfast.
(both groaning)
Why don't we give it to some needy children then?
BOTH: No.
(crowd clamoring)
Oh no, the candy conventioneers tracked us down.
There he is-- there's the man that sexually harassed me.
Oh, for a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble.
It's just a-- D'oh!
(crowd chanting) 2-4-6-8, Homer's crime was very great.
Great meaning large or immense.
We use it in the pejorative sense.
Marge, I swear I didn't touch her.
You know how bashful I am.
I can't even say the word "titmouse"
without giggling like a school girl.
(giggling)
At any rate, I believe you.
And I think you should go outside and straighten this out.
Some of their chants are very catchy and memorable.
You grabbed me in the car!
Oh that... no. I was just grabbing a Gummi Venus de Milo
that got stuck to your pants.
Yeah, right.
That's the oldest excuse in the book.
(booing)
Come on, I'm a decent guy.
(gasping)
(booing and hissing)
Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt?
That's where cooties come from.
Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did?
Well Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida
of that alligator biting that woman's bottom?
Oh, yeah! That was brilliant!
That's right. We all thought it was hilarious,
but it turns out we were wrong.
That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
And the dog in the Coppertone ads? Same deal, Dad?
That's kind of a gray area.
We know you're innocent, Dad.
Thanks, kids.
They seem to be building
some sort of a shanty town.
(clamoring)
Do your worst, protesters.
You can't stop me from living my life.
No respect for women, no peace.
Just try to push the right buttons now.
We aren't crazy about nuclear power either!
You people aren't allowed in here.
It's okay. They're with me.
(booing and yelling)
They're ruining my whole life.
Marge, please, this is where I need you the most.
I'm counting on you to do something
or say something to make it all better.
Okay... go.
-Homer... -Uh-huh?
I already talked to the indignation coordinator out on the lawn today.
I told her you were a decent man, but she wouldn't listen.
Besides standing by you and supporting you,
there isn't anything more I can do.
You mean I'm on my own?
I've never been on my own.
Oh, no, on own... on own...
I need help. Oh, God, help me.
Help me, God!
(phone ringing)
Ye-llo?
Hello, Homer. This is God... frey Jones
from the TV magazine show Rock Bottom.
We're aware of your problems,
and, Mr. Simpson, we want to help.
Mmm. I saw that report you did on Sasquatch.
It was fair and even-handed.
I'll do it!
Somebody had to take the baby-sitter home.
Then I noticed she was sitting on the Gummi Venus,
so I grabbed it off her.
Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy...
(gurgling)
I just wish I had another one right now.
But the most important thing is...
That was really great, Mr. Simpson.
We got everything we need.
Okay. Say, can you introduce me to the Sasquatch?
I like his style.
He-he!
Here comes the bouncing ball of justice!
Tonight on Rock Bottom,
we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers.
I keep telling you, I just grow sorghum here.
Uh-huh, and where are the hookers?
Round back. Oops.
But first...
She was a university honors student
who devoted her life to kids
until the night a grossly overweight pervert
named Homer Simpson gave her a crash course in depravity.
"Baby-sitter and the Beast."
Aw, crap!
Somebody had to take the baby-sitter home.
Then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can...
so I grabbed her sweet can.
Oh, just thinking about her can...
I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, s-s-sweet can.
So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can?
What do you have to say in your defense?
Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further.
No, Mr. Simpson. Don't take your anger out on me!
Get back! Get back! Mr. Simpson, no!
ANNOUNCER: Dramatization-- May not have happened.
Marge, kids, everything's going to be just fine.
Now go upstairs and pack your bags.
We're going to start a new life...
under the sea.
(calypso music playing)
♪ Under the sea ♪
♪ There'll be no accusations ♪
♪ Just friendly crustaceans ♪
♪ Under the sea ♪
Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea.
It's not going to happen!
Not with that attitude.
Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
(helicopters approaching)
It didn't blow over, Marge.
Nothing ever blows over for me.
(humming)
(screams)
Simpson Scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent
which he believes gives him sexual powers.
Hey, that's a half-truth!
I don't know Homer Simpson.
I never met Homer Simpson
or had any contact with him, but...
I'm sorry. I-I can't go on.
That's okay.
Your tears say more than real evidence ever could.
Today on Ben-- Mothers and runaway daughters
reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson.
And here's your host, Gentle Ben.
(applause)
(growling)
I just have one thing to say--
Let's have less Homer Simpsons
and more money for public schools.
(growling)
Ben, I have a question...
(growling)
No, Ben. No!
(all screaming)
(tone sounds)
♪♪
ANNOUNCER: And now we return
to Fox Night at the Movies--
Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber.
starring Dennis Franz.
Ooh! Portrait! Sounds classy.
Doesn't it?
(tires screeching)
(maniacal laughter)
(yowls)
No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature.
I don't care.
-(tires screech) -(cat yowls)
Now, I'm gonna grab me somethin' sweet!
No, Mr. Simpson! That's sexual harassment.
If you keep it up, I'll yell so loud the whole country'll hear.
(laughing)
With a man in the White House?
Not likely.
(cackling)
This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage
outside the Simpson Estate.
Remember, by the way, to tune in tonight at 8:00
for highlights of today's vigil
including when the garbage man came
and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...
possibly because it was harassed.
We don't know.
Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home
without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera.
So, let's turn it on.
Now, this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure
that's Homer Simpson in the oven rotating slowly.
His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees.
He's literally stewing in his own juices.
Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll.
95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty.
Of course, this is just a television poll
which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes,
and we all pray it will.
Aw, I don't have a friend in the world.
(clamoring)
BARNEY: We're Homer's true friends!
Oh, really?
Come on. Let us through, you vultures.
Oh, Marge, it's a miracle.
How can you judge this man
without talking to the people who know him best?
We got the real dirt on Homer Simpson
and the bidding starts at 10 Gs!
-I bid 10 Gs! -10-5 Gs!
-Fifteen! -Fifteen-five!
Oh...
I need a hug.
(murmuring)
How come you guys hesitated?
Sorry, Dad. We do believe in you. We really do.
It's just hard not to listen to TV.
It's spent so much more time
raising us than you have.
Oh... maybe TV is right.
TV's always right.
HOMER: Are you hugging the TV?
-BOTH: No. -(kisses TV loudly)
(audience cheering)
And the number one reference that I am running into the ground
is Homer Simpson!
(audience cheering)
Ay-yi-yi! Es Homer Simpson!
Me ha molestado! Oh!
Ohh. I like it better when they're making fun
of people who aren't me.
I know! Evening at the Improv.
They never talk about anything beyond the 1980s.
See, I think about weird stuff.
Like, what would happen if E.T. and Mr. T. had a baby.
Well, you'd get Mr. E.T., wouldn't you?
And you know, I think he'd sound a little something like this.
(as Mr. T.): I pity the fool who doesn't
phone home.
(chuckles) Ooh, I wouldn't want to be Mr. T. right now.
Homer, the kids have a great idea
how you can clear your name!
The media is making a monster out of you
because they don't care about the truth.
All they care about is entertainment.
Well, you need a forum where they don't even know
the meaning of the word entertainment.
Public Access television.
Aw, but those shows all look so crummy.
Well, we can dress it up a bit.
We can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage
and the most decorative thing of all-- the truth.
There are only 49 stars on that flag.
I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground
before I recognize Missouri.
Now it's time for the Innocence Report, with Homer Simpson.
Hello. I am Homer Simpson,
or as some of you wags have dubbed me, "Father Goose."
You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away.
Nobody cares that I didn't do it.
But I didn't.
Okay, look, I've done some bad things in my life,
but harassing women is not one of them.
Like one time we were having this race
with this stupid old-timey bicycle with the big wheel in front.
So I figure, "We'll see about that."
so I get this big chunk of cinder block, and I--
-(groaning) -Oh, got to go.
Innocent.
Dad, you did it. I am so proud of you.
The switchboards are lighting up!
ALL: Yay!
Two calls.
That's our best ever!
Hello? No, Janice doesn't live here.
Hello?
Yes, I am interested in long-distance savings.
Very interested.
(all groaning)
Marge, this is so depressing.
My only hope is this homemade Prozac.
Mmm... needs more ice cream.
(doorbell rings)
So, uh, you don't like the old-time bikes, huh?
(groans)
(doorbell rings)
Homer, I love amateur video.
And your show is the most amateur video I ever saw.
My hobby is secretly videotaping couples and gals.
I dare not come forward, because in this country
it makes you look like a pervert!
But every single Scottish person does it!
Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah. Oh, baby.
Oh, no. That's Mayor Quimby.
Ah. Here we go.
Precious Venus.
(gasps)
(gurgling)
(screams)
Thank you.
(chomping)
(sighing)
Dad, this clears you completely!
You know the courts might not work anymore,
but as long as everybody is videotaping everyone else,
justice will be done.
See?
Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal,
but your daughter said you were a decent man.
I guess she was right.
You're both right.
In our mad pursuit of the scoop,
we members of the press sometimes make mistakes.
Rock Bottom would like to make the following corrections.
Wow! V-8 juice isn't one-eighth gasoline.
And Ted Koppel is a robot.
There's you, Dad!
ALL: Yay!
Tomorrow, on Rock Bottom...
He's a foreigner who takes perverted videos of you
when you least suspect it.
He's Rowdy Roddy Peeper.
That man is sick!
Groundskeeper Willie saved you, Homer.
But listen to the music. He's evil.
Hasn't this experience taught you
you can't believe everything you hear?
Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.
(all grumbling)
Let's never fight again. Aw...
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.