♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
-Aah! -(tires screeching)
-(goofy laugh) -(cheering)
When Krusty wants to, he can still blow them away.
Yes, he can take a simple, everyday thing
like eating a bicycle and make it funny.
See you tomorrow, kids. (laughing)
But before I go, I'd just like to say...
-(bicycle bell ringing) -(laughter)
♪♪
Ah, there's nothing better than a cigarette,
unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.
Put 5,000 bucks on the Lakers.
Hire Kenny G. To play for me in the elevator.
My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.
Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you...
Did you send those 1,000 roses to Bea Arthur's grave?
Yes, but she's still--
I don't want to hear the end of any sentences.
WOMAN: George Carlin on three.
Yeah? Lawsuit?
Oh, come on.
My "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit
was entirely different
from your "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit.
So I'm a thief, am I?
-Well, excuse me! -(receiver slams)
Give him ten grand.
WOMAN: Steve Martin on four.
Ten grand.
Krusty, in regards
to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race.
Oh, come on, how about letting me go double or nothing
on the big opera tonight.
-Who do you like? -The tenor.
Okay,
but we're only letting the bet ride
because you crack us so consistently up.
You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.
No can do.
And those ridiculous bets you make.
Gambling is the finest thing a person can do
if he's good at it.
But you haven't won anything in months.
So I'll just make some more money.
Crank out some cheesy merchandise.
But you've already merchandized everything.
Krusty's Monopoly game.
The Krusty crowd control barrier.
Nothing is selling anymore.
Not even your new Lady Krusty line.
But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day.
So what do you think
of the Lady Krusty moustache removal system now, Angelique?
It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas.
But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?
Probably.
At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.
The only thing left to do is to open a clown college
and train some regional Krusties.
You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?
-Exactly. -Forget it.
I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelets.
Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
I'll found the college tomorrow.
(gasps) It must be the first of the month.
New billboard day!
(laughing)
Finders keepers.
"This year, give her English muffins."
Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.
"Best in the West."
(chuckles) That rhymes.
Clown college?
-You can't eat that. -(tires screech)
(crow caws)
Well, I got everything I was supposed to get.
I'm not going to enroll in that clown college, though.
That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.
(circus music playing)
Hey, Homer, the section
you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire.
(circus music playing)
(screaming)
(circus music playing)
(chuckles)
Clowns are funny.
Mom?
I think I'll have some wine.
Marge...
Yes, Homey?
(humming circus music)
That's it.
You people have stood in my way long enough.
I'm going to clown college.
(door slams)
I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
Hurry up.
It's my first day of clown college.
Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm.
I am holding still. I am squirming.
Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty.
It's sacrilege.
He's a one and only.
I mean, he invented the pie fight,
the pratfall, and the seltzer bottle.
As far as I know.
Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough
when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley.
But Krusty?
You weren't complaining when I got you this close
to Chachi.
What's a Chachi?
All right. There can only be one Krusty in each territory,
so I hope this works out.
Tell me where you're from.
-Georgia. -Texas.
Uh, Brooklyn.
Russia.
New Hampshire.
Homer.
Okay, we'll start off with the baggy--
What?
Those are supposed to be baggy pants.
Baggy!
Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants
that fit this well in my life.
Okay, memorize these funny place names.
(laughing)
Stop it, you're killing me!
Seattle!
(groaning)
And now, everybody's favorite:
the Spin Cycle Fantastique trick.
It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off.
But if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.
Steady...
Steady.
Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in,
the party's over, right?
Wrong!
Kill wealthy dowager.
Uh, burn that seat.
These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each.
But get a cheap one and what happens?
Goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.
What's that gonna cost you?
Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?
(humming)
Hmm!
-(chuckles) -(coughing)
(laughing)
Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.
If there has to be
a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.
Thanks, honey. Bank shot.
Wow!
That's good aim, Dad.
Well, it was my major.
Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans.
You will now go back to your hometowns
and do kids' parties, swap meets,
and all the other piddling crap
I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot clown pole.
Now come and get your cat skins...
Uh, I mean sheep skins.
(crowd clamoring)
(buzzing)
This is the happiest day of my life...
-(buzzing) -(cries out)
Got it. No shock for me.
-(giggling) -Oh, yeah?
-(grunts) -(cries out)
-(repeated buzzing) -Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(children cheering)
And now to help introduce our fantastic new burger,
the one with ketchup,
here he is, coming in by parachute,
Krusty the Clown!
(Homer screaming)
(thuds)
(laughing)
(cheering)
"To audience.
"I now proclaim this new burger...
For sale!"
(applause)
(laughing)
(grunting)
Ohh!
Lord, save me.
(children cheering)
It's the Krusty burglar.
Oh, my God. He's stealing all the burgers!
Why, you little!
I've got you!
-Ow! Ow! -Oh, Homer!
It's-- It's-- It's all just an act.
Stop!
He's already dead!
Let go!
Get him! Get him!
Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody!
(scattered applause)
Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet. (groans)
(horn honking)
(cheering)
(tires screeching)
Yah! Ooh!
(groans)
Oh. Hey. Hey.
(cheering)
And then, take that
and put that in there, and you...
Ahh!
There's your giraffe, little girl.
I'm a boy.
That's the spirit.
Never give up.
I guess you're pretty impressed, huh, Bart?
My dad got Krusty the Clown
to personally appear at my party.
I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.
I don't know, Bart.
My dad's a pretty big wheel
down at the cracker factory.
-(kids clamoring) -(humming)
(laughing)
(groans)
Uh, it's not 5:30 yet.
(groans)
(humming)
(laughing)
-Hey, nice threads. -I'm beat.
And after work, I got to dedicate a new Jiffy Lube
and cohost the Ace awards.
Wow! Jiffy Lube!
Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.
Oh, yeah. When I started this clown thing,
I thought it would be nothing but glory.
You know, the glory of being a clown?
But I tell you, it's hard, tiring work.
But when I see the smiles on their little faces,
I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.
My time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say
I know Woody Allen.
(scattered applause)
And now the winner for the most promising
new series on cable...
Old "Starsky and Hutches."
♪♪
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the award
is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.
(scattered applause)
Let's walk and talk.
I have some wonderful stories
about other famous people that include me in some way.
Can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
Hey, me, too. We can go together.
Uh... No, I'm going a different way
than you, Dick.
Your churlish attitude reminds me
of a time I was having dinner with Groucho--
Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight
if you don't beat it.
(engine chugging)
Ah, being a clown sucks.
You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs,
and admired by the elderly.
Who am I clowning?
I have no business being a clown.
I'm leaving the clowning business
to all the other clowns in the clowning business.
(siren wailing)
Ah, no.
Well, well, well, velocity boy.
I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you...
Hey! Krusty!
I'm not Krusty.
To think I was going to give you a ticket!
Krusty the Clown!
I am not Krusty!
Hey, Krusty, Krusty,
you remember that time we got loaded
and set those beavers loose
in that pine furniture store?
(laughing)
Ah, memories.
All right, you take it easy, Krusty.
(door slamming)
Hey, he didn't give me a ticket.
This is an intriguing development.
(gasps) You mean I get five percent off on everything in the store
just because I look like--
I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown?
How could I charge full price
to the man whose lust for filthy magazines
kept me in business during that first shaky year?
By the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic Asses".
I'm telling you, Marge, this will work.
They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff.
I've been getting free stuff all day.
Look at this swell bucket of house paint.
Look at it.
I'm not saying it won't work.
I'm just saying it's dishonest.
Well. If we agree, then why are we arguing?
Hey, Krusty!
Hey, ooh, beautiful date tonight, huh?
And such lovely children you have.
I'm more striking than lovely.
You come a-with me. Come with Luigi.
You don't want to sit
with the rest of this a-scum.
(all protesting)
I only consider you scum
compared to Krusty.
-Well, all right. -Well, okay.
Yeah, you see how you scum.
(crowd cheering on TV)
Let me get this straight.
You took all the money you made franchising your name
and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Oh, I thought the Generals were due.
("Sweet Georgia Brown" playing)
He's spinning the ball on his finger!
Just take it!
Take the ball!
That game was fixed.
They were using a freakin' ladder for God sakes.
I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.
Look, I'm cleaned out.
Just take the clown college.
We have already taken it.
Kids have a lot of money these days
so after you finish your performance,
you might consider robbing them.
Look, what can I tell you?
You can't get blood from a turnip.
You want to kill me, go ahead and kill me.
(gunfire)
Oh, hey, hey, all right, okay already!
Look, we can talk this over.
No more talk.
It is time for us to take you for a ride.
Oh, no!
Mind if I go to the bathroom first?
I see no harm in that.
(door slamming)
(window opening)
(car door slamming and tires screeching)
(plane flying overhead)
When he's done in there, I got to go.
Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him.
Legs, you check out the east side.
Louie, Rome and Budapest.
Tell the boys I want a total world search.
-Right, boss. -Right, boss.
I want a free car because I'm Krusty.
Krusty the Clown!
Get it?
-(honking horn) -Krusty.
Cancel the world search.
I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Clown,
which is me, Krusty.
Hey, it's Krusty, all right.
Should I shoot him gangland style
or execution style?
-Listen to your heart. -(gun cocks)
Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty.
But I can let you have this little number
for practically nothing-- Only 38,000.
(gunshots)
Hey, what are all these holes?
These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Oh, yeah. Speed holes.
(gunshots)
You want my advice?
I think you should buy this car.
(clicking)
We need more ammo.
Let's go to Big 5.
Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete.
When I remove the bandages
don't be alarmed by the total stranger
staring back at you.
(screaming)
I look exactly the same, you moron!
Nonsense, Krusty.
You look at least ten years younger, plus, I did your breasts.
Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?
Oh, what's the use in hiding?
I got to go back to Springfield and face the music.
Can you loan me bus fare?
Hey, hey, hey!
What you diddley-doing, neighbor?
Putting speed holes in my car.
Makes it go faster.
Is that so?
Gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use...
(gunshot)
Wow! Lucky I always keep a bible close to my heart.
(gunshot)
Lucky I was wearing an extra-large piece
of the true cross today.
I think I'll go inside.
(gunshot)
What keeps doing that?
I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.
Let's just grab him.
(muffled screaming)
But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty.
I'm not him.
I'm Homer Simpson.
The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car
through the wall of our club?
Uh, actually, my name is Barney.
Yeah, Barney Gumble.
The same Barney Gumble
who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Actually, my real name is, uh...
Think, Krusty, think... Joe Valachi.
The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the senate committee
about organized crime?
Benedict Arnold.
The same Benedict Arnold who plotted
to surrender West Point to the hated British?
D'oh!
I am so glad I had a chance to meet you
before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great fan.
Don Vittorio DiMaggio.
Krusty the Clown.
-Sorry I have to do this, Krusty. -(gun cocking)
I cannot do it.
To murder a funny man of such genius
would be a crime.
Tell you what, Krusty.
Do for me my favorite trick,
where you ride the little bike through the loop
and I will let you live.
But I've never been able to do the--
Hey, how about if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere?
-(gun cocks) -Okay.
I'll never be able to do this trick.
-Never. -Go! Go!
Oh, oh, oh! Hey!
I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
I'm the greatest clown in the world!
(body thuds)
Ta-da!
The fact that you did not do the trick well
is the biggest insult of all.
Hey, guys, I came to, uh...
Oh, you've got a deadly game of cat and mouse going.
-I'll come back. -(gasps)
I'm seeing double here. Four Krusties.
Krusty!
Oh, thanks! Thanks a lot!
You came here to save me!
Yeah, that's what I did.
My apologies to you.
I almost made a grievous error.
Good-bye, Krusty.
Wait! He can't kill anybody
if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty.
Oh, whoa!
Hup, ha ha!
I am confused.
Heh-heh. Good one, Krusty.
-(gun cocking) -Oh, crap.
Because of that disrespectful display,
I shall now kill both of you.
Unless...
you both go through the loop
together.
(both gasping)
(grunting)
I can't see, you idiot!
Take your hands off my eyes.
ALL: Ooh!
(glasses chiming the "Godfather" theme)
ALL: Aah!
(screaming) Uh-oh!
-Hey! -Hey!
Not bad.
Without the loop, it is nothing.
Whoa!
(crying out)
♪ Ta-da! ♪
-Gah! -(gulps)
(bicycle bell ringing)
TOGETHER: Yay, Krusties!
-Ha-ha. -Hey, hey.
Grazie, grazie.
You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.
No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not...
Yes, I am.
I know it, I am.
Anyway, thank you, Krusty.
You're welcome.
So we're even now, huh?
No, we just won't kill you.
But you still owe us the money.
Forty-eight dollars.
Here's 50.
And two your change.
And we thank you.
♪♪
Shh.
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.