♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
D'oh!
-Ahh! -(tires screech)
♪♪ (007 theme)
♪♪ ("Star Wars" theme)
Aren't you glad we got out of the house
and came downtown for a little culture?
Heh. They're butchering the classics.
Could that bassoon have come in any more late?
Oh, come on, Homer.
There's lasers.
You like lasers.
Laser effects, mirrored balls--
John Williams must be rolling around in his grave.
♪♪ (music segues into "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star")
(laughing) Deviliciously satirical.
I wonder if anyone else got that.
We're outta here.
Whoa. Careful, now.
These are dangerous streets
for us upper-lower- middle-class types,
so avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook
and suspect everyone.
Three-card monte.
Whoo-hoo! Easy money!
Homer, these games are fixed.
Then how come that guy's winning?
Whoa... I, like, totally won again.
Way to go, bro.
He looks and acts just like the dealer.
I think they're related, or at least in cahoots.
Just pick the red card. It's totally not hard.
20 on this one, my good man.
Sorry, dude.
Black.
Homer, he cheated you!
(crowd yelling)
Surely, you don't blame me.
It's people like you
who are ruining our downtown promenades and piazzas.
How dare you prey on the greedy and stupid like this.
Buh-bye.
Somebody stop him!
He's getting away!
Come on! Come on!
No! Marge!
(gasping and groaning)
(wheezing)
(gasps)
Uh, I must warn you...
um... sometimes ordinary people
(stammering) g-get, uh, uh,
a surge of adrenaline.
Yee...!
Ooh!
See?
Cuff him, boys.
We're putting this dirtbag away.
Huh. I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
We'll try to make it 12.
(gasping and wheezing)
Marge, are you okay?
I think I'm okay.
It was scary, but, in a weird way,
it was also kind of exhilarating.
Yes, it is exhilarating
to see the police get their man
and save a hysterical woman.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Easy now, sweetheart. Homey's here.
Hey, Mom, is this how you caught him?
Face it, Lis, you're too puny to--
Aah! Oh...
(snickering)
Lisa, unhand your brother.
(laughing)
Yeah, like that really hurt.
(groaning)
Mom, was catching that guy
the most incredibly exciting thing you've ever done?
Well, it was pretty exciting.
But celery soup's pretty exciting, too.
Mm... mm...
mm... mm...
Strange. Regular ham doesn't thrill me anymore.
Hmm. I'm crossing over to deviled ham.
Whoo!
Mmm...
Marge!
Hey, Mrs. Simpson, I just got
the new issue of "Sponge and Vacuum."
Thanks, Benevenstanciano.
Hmm...
death sports.
Hmm...
-(sirens wailing) -(tires screeching)
WIGGUM: All right, get in there.
You're going down.
I want a piece of him.
You think you're pretty hot, huh?
Well, we got everything we need on you.
Excuse me.
What? What? What? What? This better be about pizza.
Actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
(raucous laughter)
(all gasping and sighing)
Whew!
Welcome aboard.
HOMER: You did what?!
I borrowed your nail clipper.
What's the big deal?
Nothing. I'm just a little edgy
since your mother told me she wants to be a cop.
Cool. Will you bring me along when you do evictions?
You got it, little buddy.
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man!
Which makes me the woman!
And I have no interest in that--
besides occasionally wearing the underwear
which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Homer, there's no reason for you to feel threatened.
You'll always be the man of this house.
Aw, thanks, honey.
All right, you scrawny beanpoles,
becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight.
It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Forget about the badge!
When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Hey. I told you, you don't get your gun
until you tell me your name.
I've had it up to here with your "rules"!
Heh. Women always have trouble with the wall.
Can't ever seem to find the door.
(gunshots)
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You missed the baby.
You missed the blind man...
(groaning)
(tires squealing)
Oh, sorry, Simpson.
Now you'll have to do the course again.
I was trying to get this magic eye thing to work.
Ah, look at that! A pony!
MARGE: Hey, everybody!
Mom's home.
(gasping)
They didn't have my size shirt, but you get the idea.
Wow, Mom, I never pictured you
as any kind of authority figure before.
Marge, I want you
to take care of yourself out there.
You've become very dear to me.
Oh, Homey, of course I will.
Mom, if someone shot at the mayor, would you have to
throw yourself in front of him and take the bullet?
I suppose I would.
What if they shot a Coke machine?
No.
-A TV? -No.
TV with a picture of the mayor on it?
Whatever you do, Mom, we'll be proud of you.
Well, thank you, honey.
As long as it's constitutional.
Mm...
Homer, give me my pepper spray.
Aw, Marge. One squirt and you're south of the border.
Mmm... incapacitating.
Ahh...
(indistinct chatter)
WIGGUM: All right, settle, people. People, settle!
People! Wood and Van Zylen, stake out Donutland.
When they fry up a fresh batch, call it in.
Keneally and Earhart, back 'em up.
Fitz and Garcia, it's your turn to sleep in.
And, Simpson-- seeing how this
is your first day, you're inexperienced and vulnerable.
Your beat is Junkyville and Bumtown.
Hello, Mr. Hutz.
I'll have you know
the contents of that dumpster are private.
You stick your nose in, you'll be violating
attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
I just wanted to say hello.
Oh.
Hello.
(chuckling)
So, you are the new cop on the beat.
Okay, I know the drill.
What will it be-- 100? 200?
200.
No, no. I mean, nothing.
I don't take bribes.
Yes, of course you don't.
I will just leave this money on the table
with my unseeing back to the money, on the table.
Apu, no.
Mm.
BOTH: That's better.
-(siren wailing) -(loud arguing)
MAN: This is why I can't bear
to be in this house!
I got a report on a domestic disturbance at this address.
Yes, indeed there is.
There's an inflatable bath pillow
that mother and I both enjoy.
She claimed it was her day to use it.
I maintained she was mistaken. We quarreled.
Later, as I prepared to bathe,
I noticed to my horror
that someone had slashed the pillow.
Mm-hmm. Who called the police?
BOTH: We both did.
Look, why don't you two settle down.
I'm sure you can get another pillow.
Well, I could send it back to Taiwan for repair.
But why should I have to? I've done nothing wrong,
and I don't give permission for my face to be on TV.
I want it blurred.
LISA: So Mom,
what are you gonna do with your day off?
I just want to relax and forget
that I'm part of that thin blue line
which stands between civilization and chaos.
(sighs)
Bart, it's illegal
for you to operate that class nine vehicle
without pads and a helmet.
-But, Mom-- -It's for your own safety.
(grunting)
Take that, safety boy.
This padding's so easy on the knuckles,
I could punch all day.
(Bart groaning)
I just hope they have Us magazine in heaven.
He said it was his day to use the tub pillow.
I can't go to the library anymore, everybody stinks.
(all talking at once)
Don't stop talking on account of me.
I may be a cop, but I'm still your friend.
So, how are you, Mrs. Krabappel?
Law-abiding.
I'm done.
Moe! I've never seen you here before.
Well, these days my roots don't stay
so chestnut on their own, Officer Simpson.
You don't have to call me officer.
I'm not on duty here.
Finished.
(banging)
(gasping)
Oh.
(chuckles) It looks nice.
It's a good length for you.
(laughing)
(sighing)
(whistling)
Mom's police tape isn't a toy, Dad.
Shush, dear.
You'll wreck Daddy's fun.
♪ Bringing in the sheaves ♪
♪ Bringing in... ♪
Oh, my Lord!
Something horrible has happened!
(laughing)
Fooled you, Flanders!
Made you think your family was dead.
Did you get it?
(faint laughing)
-They're not, though. -No?
-But you thought they were. -Yeah.
That's why it was so funny.
-But they're not. -That's a good one.
And that's the drunk tank, and this is Mommy's desk.
Mom, I know your intentions are good,
but aren't the police a protective force that
maintains the status quo for the wealthy elites?
Don't you think we ought to
attack the roots of social problems
instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?
Look, Lisa-- it's McGriff the crime dog.
(low voice) Hello, Lisa.
Help me bite crime. Ruff, ruff.
Hey, great news, guys.
I picked up a nudie deck for our game.
"The Girls of the Internet."
Ooh, I'd go on line with them any day.
(laughing)
Hey, hey, we've offended Herman.
No. I'm just going out for some fresh air.
Geez, that guy sure likes his fresh air.
None of that for me.
Oh... (coughing)
Oh, yeah... yeah.
Hey, Homer, you sure it's okay
to smoke Cuban cigars and gamble here
now that your wife's a cop?
Are you kidding?
Being a cop husband is one mighty sweet deal.
This police radio entertains me with other people's miseries.
We get a free funeral for Marge-- God forbid--
and I can run background checks on whomever I want... Mohammar.
Homer, please, please. Ix-nay on the Ohammar-may.
Hey, hurry up with the cards, Lenny.
I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.
Come on, put that away.
Those radar guns give you cancer.
All the more reason to hurry up.
Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per-- Oh!
(gasps)
Illegal gambling in my house?
Your house? Your house?
It's so glamorously decorated, I thought I was in Vegas.
You guys lied to me.
You said it was Vegas.
We'll be going.
We don't want no trouble here, officer.
Marge, you chased away all my poker buddies.
I didn't mean to.
You've become such a cop.
Not that long ago, you were so much more to me.
You were a cleaner of pots, a sewer of buttons,
an unplugger of hairy clogs.
I'm still all those things.
Only now I'm cleaning up the city,
sewing together the social fabric,
and unplugging the clogs of our legal system.
You're cooking what for dinner?
(thinking) Everywhere I look,
someone is breaking the law.
Dog, no leash.
Man, littering.
Horse not wearing diaper.
Car parked across three handicapped spaces.
-Homer! -Hey, Marge.
How's my little piglet?
Homer, I'm on duty.
That's okay. I'm supposed to be working too.
You have to move your car.
I'll just be a second, Marge.
I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.
I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that,
but you have to move your car now.
I'll be right back.
Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.
That's it. I'm gonna write you a ticket.
-Come on, we're family! -You're breaking the law.
I'll make you a deal-- you rip up that ticket,
and I'll give you back your hat.
-Hey! -Whoo! Whoo!
Hee hee hee hee.
(indistinct chatter)
Homer!
Taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.
Ooh, what are you gonna do about it? What are you gonna do?
(falsetto) Ooh, I'm officer Marge.
I'm going to arrest you.
Ooh-- What?
Oh, Marge, not here.
Hey, you're not really arresting me?
You have the right to remain silent.
I choose to waive that right.
(screaming)
All right, Simpson, you're free to go.
Let me just finish this last lobster tail
and raspberry torte.
All right, Hans, time to go.
But he ate my last meal.
Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today,
consider yourself lucky.
Are you really allowed to execute people
in a local jail?
From this point on, no talking.
I'm sorry I had to arrest you, Homer,
but what I did was right.
Someday when you really need it, you'll be happy
there are dedicated cops like me out there.
I have nothing more to say to you, Marge.
I'm drawing a line down the center of the house,
a la "I Love Lucy."
You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side.
D'oh!
Boy, when Marge first told me
she was going to the Police Academy,
I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know,
like that movie-- "Spaceballs."
But, instead, it's been painful and disturbing
like that movie "Police Academy."
Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply.
After this case and the other case,
there's only one case left.
(muffled) Yeah, yeah. Barney's right.
(deep voice) Yeah. Let's get some more beer.
Yeah. What about some beer? Yeah, Barney's right.
All right, guys, pipe down.
I got some more in the garage.
I'll get it for you, Homer.
Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage.
The garage? Hey, fellas, the garage.
Ooh, la-di-da, Mr. French man.
What do you call it?
A car hole.
You're late, Herman.
Surely, you don't mind
waiting for merchandise of this quality, Mr. Jericho.
Huh. Looks like good stuff.
But, of course, I'll have to sample it first.
-These are fabulous. -Yeah.
Who would suspect that they're counterfeit jeans?
And what better place to make the buy
than in a cop's garage
where no one would suspect a thing.
(both snickering)
(laughter getting progressively louder)
Herman, I had to come out here to see what's so funny.
(gasps)
A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole!
I'm gonna tell everyone.
Wait here.
Not so fast.
Okay.
Maybe you should just stop entirely.
Herman, how could you?
We've all thought about counterfeiting jeans
at one time or another, but what about the victims?
Hardworking designers like Calvin Klein,
Gloria Vanderbilt, or Antoine Bugle Boy.
These are the people who saw an overcrowded marketplace
and said, "me too."
Advance on him, men.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Oh, no.
It's Gloria Vanderbilt, out for revenge.
No. It's Officer Simpson, of the police.
Herman, your beef is with me.
Leave the girl out of this!
Okay.
(gasps) Homer!
It's too late for me, Marge.
Sell the jeans and live like a queen!
Is Bart home?
Just taking Maggie for a stroll.
Well, I guess I am putting up the Halloweenie decorations
a little early.
Criticism accepted.
-(groans) -HOMER: Marge!
Bust him, Mom! (cheering)
Go back to bed.
Don't make me come up there.
(both groan)
(muffled groaning)
Looks like your wife
is embarking up the wrong tree.
Freeze!
Every mother knows
the secret entrance to her son's tree house.
Oh, Marge, you saved my life.
I'm sorry I teased you.
You're a really good cop.
I'm proud of you.
So long. Got to catch the 501.
He's getting away!
You blew it, Marge!
I don't think so.
-(fabric shredding) -Oh, foiled by my own
shoddy merchandise!
That's my ambulance. I called for it four hours ago.
-Marge, how did you know-- -That the pants would rip?
-No. What I was wondering-- -Years of buying pants
for two active children and a full-seated husband
has given me a sixth sense for shoddy stitching,
which these jeans have in spades.
That's some nice work, Simpson,
but we can't hold him-- there's no evidence.
Yes, there is. There's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.
Uh, they've, uh, mysteriously disappeared.
(zippers zipping)
-Looking good, boys. -That's it.
There's too much corruption on this force.
I quit.
(raucous laughter)
(sighs heavily)
Sorry to lose you, Simpson.
(clock ticking)
I don't think they're coming back.
Well, that does it. That does it.
I'm looking at his cards.
Ah, crap. I fold.
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.