♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chalk screeches) -(bell rings)
(work whistle blows)
-(sucking) -(register beeping)
(jazzy solo)
(tires screech)
(horn honks)
(tires screech)
-Aah! -(tires screech)
So, kids, caught anything?
Not yet, sir.
What are you using for bait?
My brother's using worms
but I, who feel the tranquility
far outweighs the actual catching of fish,
am using nothing.
I see. And what's your name, son?
I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
(chuckles) I'm Dave Shutton.
I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot,
and I must say, that in my day,
we didn't talk that way to our elders.
Well this is my day, and we do, sir. (grunts)
All right, we eat tonight! Hmph!
Wait a minute.
One, two...
three?
Well, leave it to good 'ol Mary Bailey
to finally step in and do something
about that hideous genetic mutation.
(scoffs) Mary Bailey! Well, if I was governor
I'd sure find better things to do with my time.
-Like what? -Like getting Washington's birthday
and Lincoln's birthday back as separate paid holidays.
President's Day...
Pfft! What a rip-off.
I bust my butt day in and day out--
MARGE: You're late for work, Homer.
So? Someone will punch in for me.
Try not to spill anything, Dad.
-BART: Keep those mutants coming, Homer. -HOMER: I'll mutant you.
Oh, man! Plain cake doughnuts.
Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys!
Why can't I ever get here on time?
BURNS (over P.A.): Hi-ho, faceless employees.
In a few moments the government inspection team
will be touring our plant.
So look busy and keep your mouths shut!
That is all.
Very stirring, sir.
Uh-oh. Here they come.
Hold me, Smithers.
Okay men, Geiger counters on.
(rapid clicking)
ALL: Huh?
I suppose that's normal background radiation--
the kind you'd find in any well-maintained nuclear facility,
or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.
Sorry.
(whistles)
Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
I'm as shocked as you are.
Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
D'oh. Now that shouldn't be.
Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
(snoring)
(shrieks) Uh... just resting my eyes.
Ah, well done.
A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
(sighs) Monitoring station unmanned.
(Geiger counter clicking)
Look here, inspector
could I speak to you privately in my office?
Mr. Burns, in 20 years
I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Oh, look. Some careless person
has left thousands and thousands of dollars
just lying here on my coffee table.
Smithers, why don't we leave the room
and hopefully, when we return,
the pile of money will be gone.
(groaning)
(grunts)
Look, Smithers, the money
and a very stupid man are still here.
Burns, if I didn't know better,
I'd think you were trying to bribe me.
Is there some confusion about this?
Take it, take it, take it, you poor shmo.
Mr. Burns, I'm going to overlook this felony.
However, I will not overlook the 342 violations
I have observed at your plant today.
Either bring this place up to code
or we'll shut it down.
Good day.
(sighs) Oh, well.
A little dab of paint here,
a little spackle there...
How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?
Hmm. Approximately $56 million, sir.
-56 million?! -Don't hit me, sir.
Oh, that I had the strength
to take it out on you, Smithers.
Now, please go.
I would be alone.
♪ Once I built a railroad ♪
♪ Made it run... ♪
(sniffles)
♪ Made it race against time ♪
♪ Once I built a railroad ♪
♪ Now it's done ♪
♪ Brother, can you spare a dime? ♪
♪ Half a million boots went slogging through hell ♪
♪ I was a kid with a drum... ♪
Empty-- bah!
(shrieks)
Uh... just resting my eyes.
Oh. Heh.
Holy moly! 9:30.
Hello, Marge.
Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse down here.
Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me.
Echo!
(echoing) Echo, echo, echo...
(Homer chuckles)
BURNS: ♪ Hey, don't you remember? ♪
-Huh? -♪ They called me Al ♪
♪ It was Al, all the time ♪
♪ Hey, don't you remember? ♪
♪ I'm your pal ♪
♪ Buddy, can you spare a dime? ♪
(crying)
Hmm? What the..
Uh... Mr. Burns?
(both scream)
Sorry sir, it's just me, Homer Simpson.
Is everything all right?
(sniffs) Working late, Simpson?
Uh... yes, sir.
You and I are a dying breed, Simpson.
I'm going to share something with you.
Hop in.
Ooh! Cushy.
Homer, they're trying to shut us down.
They say we're contaminating the planet.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Can't the government just get off our backs?
You know, I was just telling the wife
that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently.
Oh, get off your soapbox, Simpson!
Do you realize how much it costs to run for office?
More than any honest man could afford!
I bet you could afford it, though.
(growling)
D-Don't g-get me wrong.
I mean, you're an honest man.
I just meant that you could afford
to run for governor if you felt like it.
Of course, I'm just rambling
because you keep staring at me like that, but it's true.
I mean, if you were governor
you could decide what's safe and what isn't.
Where we going, sir?
BURNS: To create a new and better world.
HOMER: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?
Well, he's got my vote.
Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.
I'm for Monty Burns.
Ooh! A political discussion at our table.
I feel like a Kennedy.
Well, frankly, I don't see how
one of the most despicable men who ever lived
has a chance against Mary Bailey,
the most beloved governor
our great state has ever known.
MAN: Now, here's the problem as I see it.
While Governor Bailey is beloved by all
98% of the voters
rate you as despicable or worse.
That's why we've assembled
the finest campaign team money can buy.
This is your speech writer
your joke writer, your spin doctor
your makeup man and your personal trainer.
Their job-- to turn this Mr. Burns
into this.
Why are my teeth showing like that?
Because you're smiling.
Ah, excellent!
This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
But-but how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?
With this team of investigators--
your muckraker, your character assassin
-your mudslinger, your garbologist. -Hello.
Their job is to turn Mary Bailey
from this
into this.
Ah, visually, it's helped so much. Thank you.
But first there's a burning issue
that we need to address and neutralize immediately.
BURNS: D'oh!
I hate that fish.
MAN (on telvision): Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon.
Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement
brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns.
Burns? Change the channel.
-You change it. -No, you change it.
I changed it last week.
Fine, be a jerk.
Then we'll just sit here and watch it.
Oh, no, an election?
It's one of those deals
where they close the bars, isn't it?
Sorry, Barney.
I wonder if he's going to say anything
about that horrible fish?
Oh Marge, what's the big deal? I'll bet before the papers
blew this out of proportion
you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
(irritated grunt)
30 seconds to air, Mr. Burns.
Now, remember to smile.
BURNS: I am smiling.
You'll have to do better than that.
(grunting)
How's this?
There you go.
I'm going to be sore tomorrow.
Well, we've done all we can, Mr. Burns.
-The rest is up to you. -Oh, don't worry.
By the time this paid political announcement is done,
every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state
will be eating out of my hand.
Oh, hello, friends.
I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor.
And I'm here to talk to you about my little friend, here, Blinky.
Many of you consider him to be a hideous genetic mutation.
Well, nothing could be further from the truth.
But don't take my word for it.
Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks.
-Hello, Mr. Burns. -Oh, hello, Charles.
Be a good fellow, and tell our viewers
about your theory of natural selection.
Glad to, Mr. Burns.
You see, every so often,
mother nature changes her animals
giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs
or, in this case, a third eye.
And if these variations
turn out to be an improvement
the new animals thrive and multiply
and spread across the face of the Earth.
So you're saying this fish
might have an advantage over other fish?
It may in fact, be a kind of superfish.
I wouldn't mind having a third eye. Would you?
(chuckles) No.
You see friends, if our anti-nuclear nay-sayers and choose-up-siders
were to come upon an elephant frolicking in the waters
next to our nuclear power plant
they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose
on the nuclear bogeyman.
The truth is, this fish is a miracle of nature
with a taste that can't be beat.
Mm-mmm!
So, to summarize...
say what you want about me.
I can take the slings and arrows,
but stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky.
Good night and God bless.
♪ Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote ♪
♪ for Mon-teee Burns! ♪
Wow! Superfish!
I wish the government would get off his back.
That Burns is just what this state needs--
young blood!
I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey?
Homer, I'm a Bailey booster.
Oh yeah? Well, I'm a Burns booster. Ow!
Congratulations Mr. Burns,
The latest polls show you're up six points.
Ah. Giving me a total of...
Six, but we're on our way.
MARY BAILEY: My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters
of this state are gullible fools.
I, however prefer to rely
on their intelligence and good judgment.
Interesting strategy. Good luck.
And I say taxes are too high!
(cheering)
(crowd cheering)
Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey?
Well, we've gone through her garbage.
-We talked to her maid. -And so far,
the only negative thing we have found
was from some guy who dated her when she was 16.
Ah! And?
He uh, he felt her up.
Bah! Not good enough.
BURNS: We're going to send a message
to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital!
Is your boss governor yet?
Not yet, son, not yet.
The voters now see you as imperial and God-like.
Hot dog.
But there's a downside to it. The latest polls indicate
you're in danger of losing touch with the common man.
Oh, dear. Heaven forefend!
Which is why the night before the election
we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.
Oh, I get your angle.
Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat
in this God-forsaken state will see me
hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punchclock.
The media will have a field day.
CAMPAIGN MANAGER: The only question is
can we find someone common enough?
(belches)
Ugh.
Well, I-- I knew there would be sacrifices.
(belches)
(crunching)
Oh, great toast, Marge!
Mmm. Oh, by the way, the night before the election
-Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner. -What?
And some reporters and camera crew,
but you don't need to feed them.
Cool man! A media circus.
Absolutely not.
Come on, Marge.
Mm-mmm, I'm going to be ringing doorbells
for Mary Bailey that night.
D'oh!
Kids, please leave the room.
I don't want you to see this.
Uh-oh.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
(irritated groan)
We're hoping that one of the children
might pop up with a question about the upcoming election.
Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow?
"Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have
"the momentum of a runaway freight train.
Why are you so popular?"
Very good.
Hmm. Well as long as I'm asking something,
can I ask him to assuage my fears
that he's contaminating the planet
in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?
No dear, the card question will be fine.
Well, I think the non-card question is a valid--
Marge! Don't worry.
My daughter's very bright. I'm sure she'll be able
to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.
And finally, Mr. Burns wants you
to appear very affectionate to him,
but we must remind you, he hates being touched.
(grunts)
Mmm?
Marge, get back in bed.
No, I'm just fine right here.
What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.
Well, I don't feel like snuggling.
What's that got to do with it?
I don't wanna snuggle with anybody
who's not letting me express myself.
But you do get to express yourself,
and the lovely home you keep and the food you serve.
Hmm. Okay, Homer.
Fair enough. You got it.
All right. Good. That's it.
That's how I'm going to express myself.
That's right. Good night.
Huh?
(TV crew chattering)
Well, what do we think?
Hey, hello, handsome.
Hey, get that stuff off his face.
We're here to have dinner with a common man,
not Tyrone Power.
Latest polls are in.
It's dead even. Fifty-fifty.
This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top.
Whoa, he's here!
(doorbell rings)
Hello, Homer.
Marge, you look dazzling.
Oh, and look, I've brought noodle kugel.
(dog barks)
(Homer shouts)
Uh, bad dog!
Bad neighbor dog.
Here, let me help you up, Mr. Burns.
Watch it.
I love dogs. Babies, too.
-(meows) -(crowd gasping)
Kitty, kitty.
Are you all right, Mr. Burns?
Oh, of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.
The latest polls are in.
The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident
has put you over the top.
You're ahead, 51 to 49.
Congratulations, "Mr. Governor."
Excellent.
Bart, would you like to say grace?
Dear God... we pay for all this stuff ourselves,
so thanks for nothing.
(gasping)
(chuckles nervously) Only an innocent child
could get away with such blasphemy.
God bless them all.
Amen.
(chuckling)
He's smokin', he's smokin'.
Um, you know, Mr. Burns...
-my family and I, um... -(burps)
feel like taxes are too high.
Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?
Goodness, I didn't realize this casual dinner
was going to turn into a charged political debate.
I was only reading what the card--
Homer, I agree with you, and if I'm elected governor,
I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats
in the state capital like it or not!
Lisa, do you have a question
you would like to ask your Uncle Montgomery?
Yes, sir. A very inane one.
(Lisa sighs) Mr. Burns,
your campaign seems to have the momentum
of a runaway freight train.
Why are you so popular?
Ooh, a tough question, but a fair one.
Lisa, there's no single answer.
Some voters respond to my integrity.
Others are more impressed with my incorruptibility.
Still others by my determination to lower taxes,
and the bureaucrats in the state capitol can put that in their pipes and smoke it!
Oh, Mom, that felt awful.
I'm sorry, dear. It will all be over soon.
But Mom, we've become the tools of evil.
Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight and one of them is
to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
BURNS: ...or fair shake, or even a square deal.
(sniffing)
Mmm! Smells delightful.
(everyone gasps)
All right-- three-eyed fish!
Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?
(shudders)
Ptui!
(everyone gasps)
-Get a shot. -I can't believe it.
He's blown it for sure.
Ruined before it hit the ground.
Get me the City Desk.
Here's your headline, Phil--
"Burns can't swallow own story."
The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity
has plummeted to Earth like so much half-chewed fish.
You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve.
Smithers, boil some coffee. We're not licked yet.
Yes, we are. Come on, boys, the old guy's finished.
Wait! Come back. You can't do this to me.
I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!
(grunting)
(straining)
Smithers, tip over this table for me.
Yes, sir.
Homer...
Homer, make them stop.
Ahem! Uh, Mr. Burns?
Shut up and wreck something!
Mr. Burns? I hardly see
what destroying our meager possessions
is going to accomplish.
She's right.
Take me home, Smithers.
We'll destroy something tasteful.
Ironic isn't it, Smithers?
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes
has cost me the election,
and yet if I were to have them killed,
I would be the one to go to jail.
That's democracy for you.
You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years
that your dreams will go unfulfilled.
Uh-oh, you're busted, Dad.
HOMER: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled?
Oh, no. I don't like the sound of that one bit.
That means I have nothing to hope for.
Marge, make it better, please?
Can't you make it better? Huh?
Homer, when a man's biggest dreams
include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling,
and sleeping till noon on weekends,
no one man can destroy them.
Hey, you did it!
♪♪
Shh!
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.