1 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,880 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:18,893 -(chalk screeches) -(bell rings) 3 00:00:24,065 --> 00:00:25,525 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:28,611 --> 00:00:31,239 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:43,460 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,298 (tires screech) 7 00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:54,721 (tires screeching) 8 00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,809 (horn honks) 9 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:01,978 (tires screech) 10 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:05,231 D'oh! 11 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,817 -Aah! -(tires screech) 12 00:01:21,498 --> 00:01:24,918 HOMER: Mmm. "Hors do-vers." 13 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,586 Homer! You promised. 14 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,255 I promised I wouldn't eat? Never. You lie. 15 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:32,300 {\an8}Homer, please. We've never thrown a party. 16 00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}Now we're gonna pay back all the friends 17 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:35,095 {\an8}who have invited us to their homes. 18 00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,806 {\an8}Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had 19 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:41,101 {\an8}with all the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything? 20 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,977 {\an8}-That was our wedding. -Oh. 21 00:01:43,061 --> 00:01:44,687 {\an8}Children, it's time for you to go to bed. 22 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,022 {\an8}But Mom, I want to hear 23 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,482 {\an8}the witty banter of sophisticated adults. 24 00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}Yeah, you can't have any fun in bed. 25 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,069 {\an8}(chuckles) 26 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,363 {\an8}Oh, son, when you're older, you'll know better. 27 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,031 Mmm. 28 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,950 Oh, baby. 29 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,911 Mmm. Yeah. 30 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,412 -(doorbell rings) -Oh, they're here! 31 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,706 -How does everything look? -How do I look? 32 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,875 -Do we have enough glasses? -Do we have enough gag ice cubes? 33 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:07,544 -Homer, put a record on! -What are all our friends' names, again? 34 00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,879 -MARGE: Children, go! -(Tom Jones music plays) 35 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,881 -Hi, Homer. -Please come in. 36 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,383 -You look lovely tonight. -Marge, you're looking swell. 37 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,718 And the house-- You've done whatever. 38 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,179 Hey, anybody mind if I serve as bartender? 39 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,390 I have a Ph.D. in Mixology. (chuckles) 40 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,392 (disdainfully) College boy. 41 00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,935 Hey, Homer, care to try 42 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:25,645 some of my Flanders Planter's Punch? 43 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:28,064 Why not? I paid for it. 44 00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:34,320 Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it? 45 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,030 Au contraire, Simpson. 46 00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:38,199 It has three shots of rum, a jigger of bourbon, 47 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,536 and a little dab-a-roo of Crème de Cassis for flavor. 48 00:02:41,619 --> 00:02:44,998 Really? I do have a warm sense of well-being, 49 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:47,250 and I seem to be slurring my speech. 50 00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,835 You're right. Give me another. 51 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,795 Homer, go easy on the alc-e-hol. 52 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,380 Remember last year, at the Winfield's party 53 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,632 when you threw up in the laundry hamper? 54 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,551 -No. -(groans) 55 00:02:56,634 --> 00:03:01,598 ♪ The look of love is in... ♪ 56 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:05,143 Hey, you're Homer's sister-in-law, right? 57 00:03:05,226 --> 00:03:08,313 I remember you. But I don't remember you 58 00:03:08,396 --> 00:03:10,690 being so beautiful. (belches) 59 00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,358 Ow! Hey! 60 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,485 (belching and coughing) 61 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:17,197 Is that a new kind of mace? Really painful. 62 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,157 Oh, Dr. Hibbert. 63 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,575 Enjoying the party? 64 00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,660 Uh, no, not really. 65 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,205 Someone seems to have slipped one of those novelty ice cubes 66 00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:27,832 with a fake fly in my drink. 67 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:31,544 (laughing) It was me. You fell for it. 68 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,130 Homer, these novelty ice cubes are often made 69 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,007 from highly toxic chemicals. 70 00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:38,843 Ironically, a real fly would have been much more sanitary. 71 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:42,138 You should see the look on your face. It's priceless. 72 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,973 {\an8}Hmm. 73 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,895 Bart! Come over here. 74 00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:51,231 -What? -You little monkey. 75 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,899 -You're a little monkey, aren't you? -Yes, sir. 76 00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:55,485 Bart, do that thing you do that's so cute. 77 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:57,820 -What? -That thing you know how to do. 78 00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:01,115 -What? -Go to bed. 79 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,409 -Hey, everybody! -Whoa. 80 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:07,372 Look! I'm the funniest guy in the world! 81 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,749 -Oh. -Oh, Homer, you're the king. 82 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,334 Hmm. 83 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:27,725 (slurring) I have been wanting to tell you off for years, 84 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,727 but I never had the nerve. 85 00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,146 I don't know you. My wife and your wife are friends. 86 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,398 We just met just three hours ago. 87 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,024 You stink! 88 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,903 You and your whole lousy operation stinks. 89 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,613 I quit! 90 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,991 -Uh, gee, don't-- don't quit. -All right then. 91 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,662 Could you... 92 00:04:47,745 --> 00:04:49,038 give me a... 93 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,040 handful of peanuts... 94 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,167 -Maude? -Oh, sure. 95 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,544 -Not those peanuts. -Oh? 96 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:58,673 -The ones at the bottom. -Oh, okay. 97 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,174 (shudders) 98 00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:03,136 (growling) 99 00:05:03,219 --> 00:05:04,971 BARNEY: Hey, thanks for inviting me. 100 00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,973 I had a wonderful time. 101 00:05:07,056 --> 00:05:09,058 I must apologize for my husband. 102 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,852 If you want him to live through the night, 103 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:13,229 I suggest you roll him onto his stomach. 104 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,106 Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibbert. 105 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:16,107 Thanks for coming. 106 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,359 Remember, I said if. 107 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,946 (snoring) 108 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,906 (straining) 109 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,992 I have never been so embarrassed 110 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:27,076 in my life. 111 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,286 Why? 112 00:05:28,369 --> 00:05:30,204 What did you do? 113 00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:37,295 -(vacuum whirring) -(Marge grunting) 114 00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:39,505 Ooh. Ow. 115 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:40,673 Ooh. 116 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:42,342 -Marge! Huh? -(cat shrieks) 117 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:45,136 -Come here. -Where are we going? 118 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,847 Shh! I want to make sure 119 00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:50,099 -the kids don't hear. -("Mexican Hat Dance") 120 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,352 When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting. 121 00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,103 They're fighting in the car again. 122 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,190 That music always sends a chill down my spine. 123 00:05:57,273 --> 00:06:00,777 Homer, do you remember the way you acted at the party last night? 124 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:02,820 The way I acted? 125 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,114 So I said, "I must get out of these wet clothes 126 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,283 -and into a dry martini." -(group chuckles) 127 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,743 -Well-said, indeed. -Thank you. 128 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:10,286 Good Lord, there's a fly in my drink. 129 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,913 -I put it there. -You did? 130 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:13,373 I slipped it into your glass as a gag. 131 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:16,084 -Pure hilarity. -(chuckles) Pure Homer. 132 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,044 I pronounce it to be the most whimsical joke of the season. 133 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:19,337 (laughing and clapping) 134 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:30,431 Hmm. 135 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,266 (groaning) 136 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,436 (Homer panting) 137 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:36,687 Homer? 138 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,106 I like to think 139 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,982 that I'm a patient, tolerant woman 140 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,984 and that there was no line you could cross 141 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,903 that could make me stop loving you. 142 00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:47,073 But last night, you didn't just cross that line, 143 00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:49,033 you threw up on it! 144 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,410 I'm sorry, honey. 145 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,662 Can't we just forget it, and go to church? 146 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,747 I'm going to church alone today. 147 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,999 You're going to stay here and explain to Bart 148 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,378 -why you scarred him for life. -No, I didn't! 149 00:07:00,461 --> 00:07:03,131 I... oh, you mean inside, don't you? 150 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:04,841 About last night-- 151 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,301 you might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange, 152 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,053 and you probably don't understand why. 153 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,847 I understand why. You were wasted. 154 00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,516 I admit it. I didn't know when to say when. 155 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:15,226 I'm sorry it happened. 156 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,936 I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me. 157 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:18,729 Dad, I have as much respect for you 158 00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:21,482 -as I ever did or ever will. -Aw... 159 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:24,944 Now, before I give you all a sneak preview of next week's sermon, 160 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,448 I have some announcements to make. We have some new pamphlets 161 00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,116 available in our church news rack, 162 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:33,161 including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners," 163 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,954 "Good Grief," "More Satan's Boners," 164 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:38,374 and for the teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell." 165 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,335 Marge? Marge? 166 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,087 (people whispering) 167 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,965 I'm sorry, the Lord and I can't compete 168 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:48,259 with the squeaking of Homer Simpson's shoes. 169 00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:51,429 Why don't we just put everything on hold until he takes a seat? 170 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:53,264 -Sorry, Reverend. -Sit down, Homer. 171 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:55,516 Mrs. Lovejoy and myself will be holding 172 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,479 our third annual marriage retreat next weekend at Catfish Lake. 173 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,564 It's psychological counseling 174 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,816 for couples whose marriages are hanging by a thread-- 175 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:04,942 (groans) 176 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,195 -...or those just in need of a tune-up. -Hmm? 177 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:09,655 Now, if you wish to participate, please sign up in the lobby 178 00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,366 -after the service is over. -(bell tolling) 179 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:15,036 Will the Simpsons be attending our little retreat? 180 00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:17,246 Oh, well, it's very tempting. 181 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,081 Really a wonderful idea. 182 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:22,460 Marge! What are you doing? Are you insane? 183 00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:25,129 No! Give it to-- 184 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,672 -We'll be there. -D'oh! 185 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:32,929 Marriage encounter weekend, here I come. 186 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,722 Now you want to go? 187 00:08:34,805 --> 00:08:36,849 They're holding it at Catfish Lake. 188 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,143 They couldn't call it Catfish Lake 189 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:41,604 if it didn't have a catfish in it. 190 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,398 We're going to this retreat to give our marriage a tune-up and that's all. 191 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:46,192 -No fishing. -Oh! 192 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,277 -(doorbell rings) -That must be the baby-sitter. 193 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,447 -Hello. I'm Mrs. Simpson. -Simpson... 194 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,617 -Simpson... -(chuckles) Come back for more, eh? 195 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:55,993 (gasps) 196 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:57,870 (screaming) 197 00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,664 (screaming fades) 198 00:08:59,747 --> 00:09:01,707 (engine starts) 199 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:05,503 (screaming resumes) 200 00:09:05,586 --> 00:09:07,046 (screaming) 201 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,674 -Hey! What? What? -Oh my! 202 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:12,009 Where are we supposed to get a sitter on such short notice? 203 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:16,806 Oh dear, if we can't find a baby-sitter, we can't go. 204 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:18,099 What a kick in the teeth. 205 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,976 What do you need a baby-sitter for? 206 00:09:20,059 --> 00:09:22,103 -I'm almost 10 and a half. -Mom, you wouldn't dare. 207 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,604 Don't take that tone with me young lady, 208 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:24,647 or I'll give you a taste of the back of me hand. 209 00:09:24,730 --> 00:09:25,690 No you don't! 210 00:09:25,773 --> 00:09:28,317 -Grampa? -Hey! Yow! What? 211 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,778 Grampa, could you do something? 212 00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:33,614 -I can dress myself. -Oh. Well, I was wondering. 213 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,200 Do you think you could baby-sit the kids this weekend? 214 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,077 I wouldn't ask, except I'm desperate. 215 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,790 Oh, sure. Last resort. Old Grampa, the feeb, 216 00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:47,253 the guy who can't be counted on for nothing, nohow, dag-nab it. 217 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,463 Everyone's against me. 218 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,465 I'll do it. 219 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,843 Marge, just putting a few last things in the trunk. 220 00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,970 (chuckles) 221 00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:58,514 Now, if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number. 222 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,851 If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number. 223 00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:03,561 And if she drinks pine cleanser, call this. 224 00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,771 Just give the list! I can read. 225 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,315 Alright, alright. 226 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:08,941 Good-bye, children, and behave yourselves. 227 00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:12,486 Mwah! 228 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,031 Call this number if Grampa falls in the bathtub. 229 00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:17,074 -I heard that. -ALL: Bye. 230 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:20,536 Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forget to give you this. 231 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:24,040 It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do. 232 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,292 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 233 00:10:26,375 --> 00:10:28,544 You're allowed to smoke cigars? 234 00:10:32,089 --> 00:10:34,342 HOMER: Hmm... bait. 235 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,013 Uh-oh. Better get some gas. 236 00:10:39,096 --> 00:10:40,931 Fill 'er up. 237 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,018 I guess I'll go and stretch my legs. 238 00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:46,979 (bell dinging) 239 00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,065 -Where are you headed? -Catfish Lake. 240 00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,275 Oh, after General Sherman, are you? 241 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,319 Wait a minute. Who's General Sherman? 242 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:55,404 He's only the biggest catfish in these parts. 243 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,823 -Oh, yeah? -They say he weighs upwards of 500 pounds. 244 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,076 -Whoa. Who says that? -They do. 245 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:02,203 HOMER: Oh. 246 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:03,996 Yeah, that there is the only known picture of the general. 247 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,915 Can't see what he is, exactly. 248 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:07,249 He's freakishly big, though. 249 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,459 Hmm... 250 00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:10,878 Gentlemen, I am going 251 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:11,921 to catch General Sherman. 252 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,881 Ooh... 253 00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:15,091 Oh, my. 254 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,842 After the supermarket, 255 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:18,969 we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty Burger 256 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:21,097 and head for the arcade. 257 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:23,933 Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man who trusts us. 258 00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,644 Are you sure it's right to take advantage of him? 259 00:11:26,727 --> 00:11:28,854 Lise, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, 260 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,856 who's to say what's right or wrong? 261 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:34,193 But right now, my gut's telling me "bleed Gramps dry." 262 00:11:34,276 --> 00:11:36,779 Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, welcome. 263 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,240 Hello, Reverend. We're glad we could come. 264 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,075 -Hello, Helen. -Hello, Marge. 265 00:11:41,158 --> 00:11:42,618 Why, Homer Simpson. 266 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,371 Here to give your marriage a little spit shine? 267 00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,206 None of your business, Flanders. 268 00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:50,793 Say, Reverend, are we gonna get a chance to do any fishing? 269 00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:54,922 Oh, I'm afraid not. A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. 270 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:57,091 It takes a whole weekend to do that. 271 00:11:57,174 --> 00:11:59,385 -Oh. -We must bait our hooks with honesty, 272 00:11:59,468 --> 00:12:02,471 that way, a happy marriage won't be the one that got away. 273 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,306 I see. 274 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,851 I also understand bowling expressions. 275 00:12:06,934 --> 00:12:08,936 Ah! Three couples. Our best turnout yet. 276 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:10,730 Why don't we go around the room 277 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,857 and everyone can introduce themselves 278 00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:15,109 and tell us a little bit about why they're here? 279 00:12:15,192 --> 00:12:16,235 John, Gloria? 280 00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:17,528 My name's Gloria. 281 00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:20,156 I'm here because Johnny-boy 282 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,242 hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for some time. 283 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:26,871 Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat 284 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:28,622 pressed against me. 285 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,499 -That's enough, Gloria! -Thank you, Gloria. 286 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,878 John, why don't you tell us a little about why you're here? 287 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:37,214 She never cooks, she keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. 288 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,717 -She's the queen of the harpies. -No, I'm not. 289 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,093 -Queen of the harpies. -No, I'm not. 290 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,928 Here's your crown, Your Majesty! 291 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:44,889 -Queen of the harpies! -Get away from me, you swine! 292 00:12:44,972 --> 00:12:46,974 You've come to the right place. 293 00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:51,228 First, I want you to look into each other's eyes. 294 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,774 -(both gasp) -Your eyes, 295 00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,776 I've forgotten how beautiful they are. 296 00:12:56,859 --> 00:12:59,278 -Let's never fight again. -We were fools to argue. 297 00:12:59,361 --> 00:13:01,739 -Let's not talk about that. -Let's not talk at all! 298 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:03,741 Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness 299 00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:06,160 when we pass the collection plate next week. 300 00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:10,331 (chuckles) All right, Ned, Maude, what brings you here? 301 00:13:10,414 --> 00:13:12,333 -Well... -Go on, Neddy. 302 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,251 Sometimes Maude, God bless her, 303 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,170 she underlines passages in my Bible 304 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,297 because she can't find hers. 305 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,299 Oh, lucky you don't keep guns in the house. 306 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,718 -Homer, why are you here? -Oh... 307 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,845 Because I got drunk and looked down her dress. 308 00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,388 -(gasps) -No, no, Homer. 309 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:28,516 Marge is going to tell us all your faults. 310 00:13:28,599 --> 00:13:30,518 Why don't you tell us about hers? 311 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,604 -Oh, she's perfect. -Come on, Homer. What are her faults? 312 00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:36,106 -Well, sometimes it can be annoying. -Oh, Homer. 313 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:38,192 -Marge, don't interrupt. -You'll get your turn. 314 00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:39,985 -I'm done. -Okay. Marge? 315 00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:43,364 Well, it's not that I don't love the guy. 316 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,491 I'm always sticking up for him. 317 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:48,369 It's just that he's so self-centered. 318 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:51,247 -(gasps) Wait! Oh! -Now, Homer. 319 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:54,166 He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays-- 320 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,335 both religious and secular. 321 00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:58,671 He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. 322 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:01,590 He hangs out at a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes. 323 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,093 (sobbing) It's true. It's all true. 324 00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,636 -Homer, don't interrupt. -Sorry. 325 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:07,680 He blows his nose on the towels 326 00:14:07,763 --> 00:14:09,348 and puts them back in the middle. 327 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:11,851 I only did that a couple of times. 328 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:13,686 -Half a gallon of chocolate. -Check. 329 00:14:13,769 --> 00:14:14,770 -Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge. -Check. 330 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,313 Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chip. 331 00:14:16,397 --> 00:14:17,231 Yep. 332 00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,900 Did your mom really write that shopping list? 333 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,278 -Grampa, what a question. -What's next, Lise? 334 00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:23,737 Sprinkles and syrups. 335 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,197 Hey Grampa, aisle six, and step on it. 336 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,532 All right, but put out that cigar. 337 00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,034 MARGE: He drinks out of the carton. 338 00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,495 He never changes the baby. 339 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:34,540 When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises, 340 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,501 and when he wakes up, he makes honking noises. 341 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:41,130 Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. 342 00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:42,756 I guess that's it. 343 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,384 Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep, 344 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,345 and his toenails are too long and yellow. 345 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,389 That's all I can think of right now. 346 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,182 I guess you're all tired. 347 00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:54,894 I want to thank you for letting me get some things off my chest. 348 00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,103 (groans) 349 00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:57,354 Well, we've missed the luau. 350 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:59,148 What's say we call it a night. 351 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,358 But, Captain I can't avenge 352 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,861 my partner's death with this peashooter. 353 00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:05,446 I don't want to hear it, McBain. 354 00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:07,364 That cannon of yours is against regulations. 355 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,992 In this department, we go by the book. 356 00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,037 Bye, book. 357 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,580 -Cool! -All right, McBain! 358 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,415 You know kids, it's getting pretty late. 359 00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:17,958 Yeah, you should go to bed, Grampa. 360 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,335 We've had a big day. 361 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:22,129 You wise guy, little smart aleck. 362 00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:23,714 It's no use kidding myself. 363 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,883 I'm having an ethical crisis. 364 00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:30,137 Out at 5:00. Catch General Sherman at 5:30. 365 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:31,805 Clean him at 6:00. 366 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,307 Eat him at 6:30. 367 00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:36,518 Back in bed by 7:00 with no incriminating evidence. 368 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,604 Heh-heh-heh, The perfect crime. 369 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,856 Homer? (gasps) 370 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:43,192 You're sneaking out to go fishing. 371 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:45,277 I can't believe your selfishness. 372 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,112 You can go fishing anytime, 373 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:50,282 but we're here trying to save our marriage. 374 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:52,618 You're thinking about fishing 375 00:15:52,701 --> 00:15:54,286 even when I'm talking right now, right? 376 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:55,871 Would this be a good time to be honest? 377 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,207 -Yes. -You're right, I am. 378 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,750 Help me, Marge. 379 00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,211 What do I do to be a good guy? 380 00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,379 Get back in bed. 381 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,255 Oh, all right. 382 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,385 But I can't sleep. 383 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,470 Can I take a walk? 384 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:12,846 Sure. 385 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,516 Got to be a good husband. 386 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,434 Got to be a good husband. 387 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,395 I got to be a good husband. 388 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,480 Hey, kid, you forgot your... 389 00:16:21,563 --> 00:16:23,649 (screams) 390 00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,859 (screaming) 391 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,366 Go ahead, General Sherman, foist your strength, 392 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,160 you big, ugly catfish. 393 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:38,831 I got a skillet and a stick of butter with your name on it. 394 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:40,916 Hmm? Hmm? Homer? 395 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,043 (Homer yelling) 396 00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,795 Hmm? Hmm. 397 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,173 -Sugar? -Yes, ten please. 398 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:49,800 Hey, Grampa, top me off. 399 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,635 Are you sure your Ma lets you kids drink coffee? 400 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,595 For the last time, yes! 401 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,139 Come on, give up. 402 00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,557 Huh? 403 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,267 D'oh! 404 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,352 Hey, Milhouse. Big blowout at Casa de Simpson. 405 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,730 The only adult is frail and old. 406 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,773 Bart's joint. Uh, two-ish. 407 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,150 Be there or be square. 408 00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:08,193 Tell my friends? All right, 409 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,571 but I got some pretty funky friends. 410 00:17:10,654 --> 00:17:12,448 All right. I get out at noon 411 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:15,117 and I'm already invited to a party. 412 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,994 Now, this is a trust exercise. 413 00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,038 You fall backwards 414 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,665 and rely on your spouse to catch you. 415 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,171 Do I have to do this? 416 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:31,258 No. Even if your husband were here, I wouldn't recommend it. 417 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:34,803 Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance 418 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,223 where I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. 419 00:17:38,307 --> 00:17:40,017 It's all his fault. 420 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,435 And I'm willing to put that 421 00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:43,395 on a certificate you can frame. 422 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,980 ♪ Over there ♪ 423 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,523 ♪ Send the word, send the word ♪ 424 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,192 ♪ Over there ♪ 425 00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:50,110 ♪ That the Yanks are coming... ♪ 426 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,029 -(heavy metal music plays) -Ahh! 427 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:53,072 (crowd clamoring) 428 00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:59,036 Okay, fish, you're probably wondering why I'm still here. 429 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:02,372 Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is... 430 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:07,044 right up there with that... the, uh... 431 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,088 the bald guy on the cable fishing show. 432 00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:13,383 Whoa! Holy mackerel! 433 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,095 -(music continues) -(clamoring continues) 434 00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,888 Milhouse, didn't see you, pal. Look out, my man. 435 00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:20,390 Cherry party, Bart. Any chicks over eight? 436 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,142 Not yet, but the afternoon is young. 437 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,649 -Lisa, what's wrong? -Isn't it obvious? 438 00:18:28,732 --> 00:18:30,692 We've degraded ourselves and set back 439 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,736 the children's rights movement for decades to come. 440 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:34,404 You're great at a party, Lise. Really great. 441 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,989 Hey, you! Don't! 442 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,783 Shut that door! Stop it! 443 00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:38,909 -Put that away! -(plates crashing) 444 00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:41,078 No! Stop! Oh! 445 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:43,413 -Ow! -(laughing) 446 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,041 You young hellion, you want me to take off my belt? 447 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,168 -Yeah. -All right, I'll show you. 448 00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:51,046 -(laughing) -Doggone it. 449 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,881 (straining) 450 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,842 I love you, 451 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,343 but I must kill you. 452 00:19:01,598 --> 00:19:03,600 Yeah, take care, man. Hey, thanks for coming. 453 00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:04,810 Hey, nice tie, Nelson. 454 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:06,353 Oh, thanks. It's your dad's. 455 00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:09,815 (crying) I tried to be a good baby-sitter 456 00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:11,525 but I failed. 457 00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:15,028 I'm a feeb, a useless, old, worn-down... 458 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:19,324 (crying) 459 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,870 {\an8}Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before. 460 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:26,248 {\an8}It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepressible youth. 461 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,916 {\an8}How do you make this feeling go away? 462 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,918 {\an8}You grab a bucket and a brush 463 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,087 {\an8}and you clean harder and faster than you ever have before. 464 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,131 (crying) 465 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:35,132 -Huh? -(door slams) 466 00:19:35,215 --> 00:19:36,466 (laughing) 467 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,806 ♪ I am the champions ♪ 468 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:45,350 ♪ I am the champions ♪ 469 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,769 ♪ No time for losers ♪ 470 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:53,525 ♪ 'Cause I am the champions of the world ♪ 471 00:19:53,609 --> 00:19:56,111 Uh-oh. 472 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,613 Hi, honey. 473 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,157 Uh, how's the marriage retreat going? 474 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,410 We came to this retreat because I thought our marriage was in trouble. 475 00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,829 But I never for a minute thought it was in this much trouble. 476 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,539 Homer, how can you expect-- 477 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,625 Marge? Marge, you don't know what this fish means. 478 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,044 This fish represents a better life for both of us. 479 00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:14,254 This fish makes me a champion and a hero. 480 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:17,090 -To who? -To those weirdos in the worm store. 481 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,635 All this fish represents is just how selfish you are. 482 00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:22,012 Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll throw it back. 483 00:20:22,095 --> 00:20:23,972 -Oh, yeah, sure. -Watch! 484 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,683 (grunting) 485 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:30,604 Whoa, I did it. 486 00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:34,066 I gave up fame and breakfast for my marriage. 487 00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,609 I fought it for six hours. 488 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,945 She says one word, and I toss it back. 489 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:41,949 And you're telling me our marriage is in trouble? 490 00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:43,867 Come here, baby. 491 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,786 Oh, Homer. 492 00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:51,959 (grunting) 493 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:53,752 Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 494 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:55,879 Eww. 495 00:20:57,547 --> 00:20:58,507 Hmm. 496 00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,592 Mmm. 497 00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:04,805 (tires screech) 498 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,936 -We're back. -How's your marriage? 499 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:13,230 Same as usual-- perfectomundo. 500 00:21:13,313 --> 00:21:15,899 Oh, my! The house looks wonderful! 501 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,067 Grampa, what's your secret? 502 00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:20,570 Pretending to cry. (laughing) 503 00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:22,322 That's right, you heard me! 504 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,991 Pretending to cry! 505 00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:27,286 (laughing) I can turn it on and off like a faucet. 506 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:30,956 (crying) Oh, I'm crying. I'm so sad. 507 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:33,166 {\an8}Way to go, Grampa. 508 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,210 {\an8}I'll never trust another old person. 509 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:36,962 {\an8}I fooled you. 510 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:38,171 {\an8}So long, suckers. 511 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:39,381 {\an8}(chuckling) 512 00:21:39,464 --> 00:21:41,550 Yeah. General Sherman. 513 00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:45,012 They say he's 500 pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. 514 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,847 No one knows how old he is, 515 00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,640 but if you ask me, and most people do, 516 00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:50,183 he's a hundred years if he's a day. 517 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:51,393 And no one's ever caught him? 518 00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:52,477 Well, one fella came close. 519 00:21:52,561 --> 00:21:54,354 Went by the name of Homer. 520 00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:57,524 Seven feet tall, he was, with arms like tree trunks 521 00:21:57,607 --> 00:22:00,152 and his eyes were like steel: cold and hard. 522 00:22:00,235 --> 00:22:01,236 Had a shock of hair-- 523 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:03,864 red, like the fires of hell. 524 00:22:03,947 --> 00:22:06,408 {\an8}♪♪ 525 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,952 Shh! 526 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:57,084 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.