1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,011 (bell rings) 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,472 (work whistle blows) 4 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:19,894 -(sucking) -(register beeping) 5 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:32,407 (jazzy solo) 6 00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:33,742 (tires screech) 7 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,995 D'oh! 8 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:39,289 -Aah! -(tires screech) 9 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:58,767 {\an8}Mmm, doughnuts. 10 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,230 {\an8}Hey, Homer, slow down. 11 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,440 {\an8}You're gonna choke or something. 12 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:07,108 {\an8}Don't tell me how to eat doughnuts. 13 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:10,070 {\an8}(choking) 14 00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,654 {\an8}Hey, Homer's choking again. 15 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,073 {\an8}Hmm. Isn't there a first-aid chart 16 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,657 {\an8}around here somewhere? 17 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:15,658 {\an8}Somebody scare him. 18 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,951 {\an8}That's for the hiccups. 19 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:20,872 {\an8}Hey, look at this. 20 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,166 {\an8}Softball starts this week. 21 00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,751 (coughs) Softball? 22 00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:26,920 Who's next? 23 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:27,837 -Eh, count me out. -Not me. 24 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,755 No way. 25 00:01:28,838 --> 00:01:30,298 What's the matter with you guys? 26 00:01:30,381 --> 00:01:32,592 Homer, last year we were two and 28. 27 00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:35,303 -Look, I know it wasn't our best season. -Actually, it was. 28 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:36,554 Well, this year, it's gonna be different. 29 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,723 Oh yeah? What makes you so damn sure? 30 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,976 I have a secret weapon. 31 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,062 Hey, he's been holding out on us, huh? 32 00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,647 A secret weapon? 33 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,440 I wonder what it could be. 34 00:01:54,364 --> 00:01:55,365 Hmm... 35 00:01:58,326 --> 00:01:59,494 (laughing) 36 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:02,122 -Count me in. -I'm there. 37 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:04,332 Come here, boy, I want to show you something. 38 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,376 What's that? A homemade bat? 39 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,086 It's something very special-- 40 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,879 a homemade bat. 41 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,798 It all started last year 42 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,174 during a terrible thunderstorm 43 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,678 when I locked myself out of the house. 44 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,597 Sheltering myself with a large piece of sheet metal, 45 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,475 I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find. 46 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,857 Something told me this was a very special, 47 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,109 very magical piece of wood 48 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,111 that I could make a bat out of. 49 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:36,197 I put my homemade football on hold, 50 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,826 and set to work making the world's greatest bat. 51 00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,995 (Homer grunting) 52 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,960 Homie, come to bed. 53 00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,087 (Homer grunting) 54 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,549 Homer, go back to the garage. 55 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,177 And here it is. 56 00:02:57,260 --> 00:02:59,470 (theme from "The Natural" plays) 57 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:02,640 Wow! How many home runs you gonna hit with that? 58 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:07,312 Let's see, we play 30 games, ten at bats a game-- 3,000. 59 00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,688 (whistles) 60 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:16,154 Hit one here, Charlie! 61 00:03:17,572 --> 00:03:19,490 (screams) 62 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,034 Okay, lets go over the ground rules. 63 00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,411 You can't leave first until you chug a beer. 64 00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:25,121 Any man scoring has to chug a beer. 65 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,498 You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. 66 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:29,667 Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning. 67 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,836 Hey, we know how to play softball. 68 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,755 UMPIRE: Play ball! 69 00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:35,590 RADIO: Attention all units! 70 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:36,841 Attention all units! 71 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,509 Armored car being robbed at 5th and ... 72 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,346 Turn off that damn radio! 73 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,765 MARGE: And the next man wants to hit the ball too. 74 00:03:43,848 --> 00:03:45,016 And he does. 75 00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:46,935 And there he goes off in that direction. 76 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,269 And everyone is happy. 77 00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,064 Uh, Mom, why don't you let me call the game? 78 00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,565 That's alright dear, I can do it. 79 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,653 (cheering) 80 00:03:58,529 --> 00:04:00,323 Men, stop that! 81 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:04,035 Okay, Homer, bases loaded, and you're up. 82 00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:06,371 Where's that secret weapon? 83 00:04:06,454 --> 00:04:07,997 Check it out, boys. 84 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,416 My magic bat. 85 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,459 That's it? 86 00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:13,419 Yeah, I got a magic bat too. 87 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,755 And I got an enchanted jockstrap. 88 00:04:15,838 --> 00:04:16,965 (laughing) 89 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,424 Yeah. Just watch. 90 00:04:19,801 --> 00:04:22,679 (theme from "The Natural" plays) 91 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:32,730 (screams) 92 00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:34,649 Whoo-hoo! 93 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,443 All right, Homeboy! 94 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:38,820 Yeah! 95 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,155 (taunting) Ha-ha! Cops can't win! 96 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:42,282 Get his license and registration. 97 00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:43,241 Right, Chief. 98 00:04:48,162 --> 00:04:49,330 Wow, Dad. 99 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,207 Homer, can I get you a beer? 100 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,333 No. I want to get him a beer. 101 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,419 Kids, kids, kids, 102 00:04:54,502 --> 00:04:56,462 you can each get me a beer, 103 00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,049 but first, let's see it again in super slow motion. 104 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,886 {\an8}(sloshing noises) 105 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,847 {\an8}Why you... 106 00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,015 {\an8}Huh? 107 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,114 ALL: Ooh! 108 00:05:23,197 --> 00:05:25,241 Such a mighty wallop. 109 00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:32,457 I got my magic bat off a piano. 110 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:34,917 My sister let me use her wooden leg. 111 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,551 SMITHERS: Good news, sir. 112 00:05:43,634 --> 00:05:45,219 The plant softball team has won again. 113 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,804 If we beat Shelbyville next week, 114 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:47,930 we capture the pennant. 115 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,307 Did you hear that, Ari? 116 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:50,892 My boys need only to thump your tub, 117 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:52,310 and the title is ours. 118 00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:55,313 Ha! The Gladiators from my power plant 119 00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:58,524 will crush your team like nine flabby grapes. 120 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:00,193 I disagree. 121 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:02,779 Would you care to bet a million dollars on that? 122 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,864 Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting? 123 00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:07,116 What. A million dollars isn't interesting to you? 124 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,451 Oh, did you say a million? 125 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,119 I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere. 126 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,121 I thought you would start with a small amount, 127 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,706 and we would bait each other, and... 128 00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:14,749 Well, you know how it goes. 129 00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:16,292 Yes, certainly. A million will be fine. 130 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:21,381 Smithers, I've been thinking. 131 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,384 Is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? 132 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,385 Yes, sir. 133 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,345 Let me rephrase that. 134 00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:30,473 Is it wrong if I cheat in order to win a million dollar bet? 135 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:32,683 No, sir. Who would you like killed? 136 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:36,562 No, Smithers. I've decided to bring in a few ringers-- 137 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,648 professional baseballers. 138 00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:41,192 We'll give them token jobs at the plant 139 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,486 and have them play on our softball team. 140 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:45,071 Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, 141 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:46,406 Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown... 142 00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:47,782 Uh, sir? 143 00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:49,367 What is it, Smithers? 144 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,536 I'm afraid all those players have retired 145 00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,080 and, uh, passed on. 146 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:57,208 In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years. 147 00:06:57,291 --> 00:06:58,626 Damnation! 148 00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,545 Alright, find me some good players. 149 00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,088 Living players. 150 00:07:02,171 --> 00:07:03,423 Scour the professional ranks, 151 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,716 the American League, the National League, 152 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,135 the negro leagues. 153 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:08,052 I'm on my way, sir. 154 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,387 Oh, and, Smithers.. 155 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,806 You have 24 hours. 156 00:07:11,889 --> 00:07:13,057 (gulps) 157 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,270 (whispering) 158 00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:19,981 I get $50,000 to play one game? 159 00:07:20,064 --> 00:07:21,691 That's right, Mr. Canseco. 160 00:07:21,774 --> 00:07:23,484 Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. 161 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:24,735 It sounds like fun. 162 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:27,405 Uh... oh... ah... 163 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:30,658 -(gunshot) -Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. 164 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,119 Oh, that's okay. Happens all the time. 165 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,829 Are you Mike Scioscia? 166 00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:36,164 -That's me. -Uh... 167 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,040 How do you like working for the Dodgers? 168 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,543 Well, it's okay, but sometimes 169 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,545 I wish I had something a little more blue collar. 170 00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:45,339 You know, with big machines and cool dials and stuff, 171 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,841 like an oil refinery 172 00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,092 or hydroelectric plant. 173 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:49,552 We should talk. 174 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,263 TOUR GUIDE: And this is Elvis' rec room. 175 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:54,891 When the king wasn't rehearsing or exercising, 176 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:58,311 he'd like to unwind by watching up to three TVs at once. 177 00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:00,730 Man, oh, man, what a lifestyle. 178 00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:02,106 Excuse me. Are you Ozzie Smith? 179 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,525 -Yes. -I have a proposition for you. 180 00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,030 Ahem. Hello. Are you Don Mattingly? 181 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,323 Yes, yes, I am. 182 00:08:10,406 --> 00:08:11,991 Come in. Come in. Can I get you something? 183 00:08:12,074 --> 00:08:13,284 What's your name? 184 00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:18,456 How would you like to be a ringer 185 00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:20,917 on a small-town company softball team? 186 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,127 Would I? 187 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,754 And now I'd like to introduce the new members 188 00:08:24,837 --> 00:08:26,506 of our happy power plant family. 189 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,674 -Our new security guard, Roger Clemens. -Hello. 190 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,177 -Our new janitor, Wade Boggs. -How you doing? 191 00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:33,137 Our lunchroom cashier, Ken Griffey Jr. 192 00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,514 Hey, what's up, guys? 193 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,140 Our new, well, uh... 194 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,892 we'll make up jobs for these fellas later. 195 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:41,103 Please say hello to Steve Sax, Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry, 196 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,106 Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia, and Jose Canseco. 197 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,858 (impressed murmuring) 198 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,069 Oh, by the way, you new fellas, 199 00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:49,612 there's a sign-up sheet for the company 200 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,656 softball team on the bulletin board over there, 201 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,449 just in case you wish to play. 202 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,409 (angry grumbling) 203 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,662 Mr. Burns, with them on the team, you won't need us. 204 00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:58,913 Well, duh. 205 00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,414 You, Scioscia, sign up. 206 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:02,083 Thanks just the same, but I'm here to run 207 00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:03,751 the solid contaminate encapsulator. 208 00:09:03,834 --> 00:09:05,044 One more outburst like that 209 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,337 and I'll send you back to the big leagues. 210 00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:11,259 -You're Darryl Strawberry. -Yes. 211 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,010 -You play right field. -Yes. 212 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,929 -I play right field too. -So? 213 00:09:15,012 --> 00:09:16,097 Well, are you better than me? 214 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,350 Well, I never met you, but... yes. 215 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:22,353 It's not fair. Me and the guys worked so hard to get 216 00:09:22,436 --> 00:09:25,273 to the championship game, and now we'll be sitting on the bench. 217 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,567 You hit so many home runs this year. 218 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,485 What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character 219 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,695 is better than you? 220 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,363 Marge, forget it. 221 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:35,116 He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger than me, 222 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:37,743 and he already has more friends around the plant than I do. 223 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,787 You make me sick, Homer. 224 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:41,872 You're the one who told me I could do anything 225 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,708 if I just put my mind to it. 226 00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,501 Well, now that you're a little bit older, 227 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,128 I can tell you that's a crock. 228 00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:48,754 No matter how good you are at something, 229 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:51,299 there's always about a million people better than you. 230 00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,301 Gotcha-- Can't win, don't try. 231 00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:56,596 As your new manager, I want to say this up front. 232 00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,889 No one is assured a spot in the starting line-up. 233 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,766 I don't care if you're name is Steve Sax 234 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,310 or Darryl Strawberry, or... 235 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,978 Smithers, what's one of the bad players names? 236 00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:05,479 Homer Simpson, sir. 237 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,981 Or Homer Simpson. 238 00:10:07,064 --> 00:10:08,608 Secondly, instead of beer, 239 00:10:08,691 --> 00:10:10,651 from now on, you will all be drinking this. 240 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,361 It's a brain and nerve tonic 241 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,905 rich in proteins and electromagnetic juices. 242 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:16,741 It promotes robust health. 243 00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,492 Of course it has been known to cause gigantism, 244 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,994 but only in rare cases. 245 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:21,621 Try some. 246 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,457 Wow. It's like there's a party in my mouth 247 00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:25,541 and everyone's invited. 248 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,043 Excellent. 249 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:28,878 Now, let's begin our training, shall we? 250 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,630 Smithers... 251 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,131 the medicine balls. 252 00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:35,384 (players groaning) 253 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,429 Ugh... Ugh... 254 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,600 Here. 255 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,109 (chuckles) 256 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,903 What are you gonna do with your million dollars, sir? 257 00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:56,072 Oh, I don't know. Throw it in the pile, I suppose. 258 00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:59,408 You are all very good players. 259 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,410 ALL: We are all very good players. 260 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,788 You will beat Shelbyville. 261 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,915 We will beat Shelbyville. 262 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:09,085 You will give 110%. 263 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,336 That's impossible. 264 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,673 No one can give more than 100%. 265 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:17,426 By definition, that is the most anyone can give. 266 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,636 (ball being hit) 267 00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,096 I got it! I got it! 268 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,850 -(ball hits mitt) -Yes. 269 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,018 Hey! 270 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:27,228 I called for that. 271 00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:28,312 Put a lid on it. Simpson! 272 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,439 There's no "I" in "team." 273 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,566 Some of these guys have a bad attitude, Skip. 274 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,486 They sure do, Strawberry. 275 00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,905 (whistling "Take Me Out to the Ball Game") 276 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,990 Hey, Scioscia, I don't get it. 277 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,368 You're a ringer, but you're here every night in the core 278 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,620 busting your butt hauling radioactive waste. 279 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,789 Well, Carl, it's such a relief from the pressures 280 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:48,499 of playing big league ball. 281 00:11:48,582 --> 00:11:50,710 I mean there, you make any kind of mistake, and boom, 282 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,962 the press is all over you. 283 00:11:53,045 --> 00:11:54,964 -Uh-oh. -Ah, don't worry about it. 284 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:57,675 Oh, man, is this ever sweet. 285 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,969 -Me, me. -Pick me. 286 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,387 Pick me, pick me. 287 00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,013 I pick Ken Griffey Jr. 288 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:04,390 Aw, geez. 289 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:06,851 Okay, I'll take Milhouse. 290 00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:10,146 Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team? 291 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,564 You got yourself a player. 292 00:12:11,647 --> 00:12:12,648 Damn! 293 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,067 All right, I'll take Louis. 294 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:16,569 I'll take Jose Canseco. 295 00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:17,737 D'oh! 296 00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:20,906 Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns. 297 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,409 -What sideburns? -You heard me, hippie. 298 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:27,538 These guys aren't so tough. I've got Wonderbat. 299 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:29,290 (theme from "The Natural" plays) 300 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,417 (screams) 301 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,545 Take a knee, boys. 302 00:12:34,628 --> 00:12:37,757 Tomorrow is the biggest day of your lives. 303 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,300 The Shelbyville game. 304 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:41,051 So lights out at 7:30, 305 00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,220 and abstain from coffee, tea, and cola drinks. 306 00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,222 Make no mistake, they pack a wallop. 307 00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,474 Sure do, Skip. 308 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,726 Yes. Now, before I post the starting lineup, 309 00:12:48,809 --> 00:12:51,645 I want to assure those of you whose names are not on the list 310 00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:54,064 that I'm very disappointed in you. 311 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,318 Something was lacking. Let's call it heart. 312 00:12:57,401 --> 00:12:59,278 -No hustle either, Skip. -That's right, Darryl. 313 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,991 -All right. -Way to go. 314 00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,409 Aw, nuts. 315 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,119 Please, please, please. I want to make the team. 316 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,662 Clemens, did I make the team? 317 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,830 You sure did. 318 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:12,249 I did?! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! 319 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,834 In your face, Strawberry. 320 00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:16,295 -Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.? -No. 321 00:13:16,378 --> 00:13:18,088 Sorry, didn't mean to get your hopes up. 322 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:19,840 Oh... 323 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,767 (Burns chuckling) 324 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:33,062 Smithers, there's no way I can lose this bet, 325 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,064 unless, of course, my nine all-stars 326 00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,316 fall victim to nine separate misfortunes, 327 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,068 and are unable to play tomorrow, 328 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:40,986 but that will never happen. 329 00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:42,530 Three misfortunes, that's possible. 330 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,407 Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance. 331 00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:49,119 But nine misfortunes? I'd like to see that. 332 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,789 SAX: What a nice little town. 333 00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,457 Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire. 334 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:56,001 (siren blaring) 335 00:13:57,586 --> 00:13:59,171 What seems to be the problem, officers? 336 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:00,297 That's enough out of you, smart guy. 337 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:01,715 Reach for your license. 338 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,009 (cocks gun) Slowly. 339 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:07,429 Well, well. Steve Sax, from New York City. 340 00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,765 I heard some guy got killed in New York City, 341 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,559 and they never solved the case, 342 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,269 but you wouldn't know anything about that, 343 00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:16,438 now, would you, Steve? 344 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:17,481 {\an8}But there's hundreds of unsolved murders 345 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,024 {\an8}in New York City. 346 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,110 You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, 347 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,653 do you, Saxy boy? 348 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:23,988 (ticking) 349 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:27,116 (ticking increases) 350 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,994 Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. 351 00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,872 Can't... lift... arm... 352 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,039 or... speak... 353 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:37,126 at... normal... rate. 354 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,544 Well, I'm afraid you have a case 355 00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:41,046 of acute radiation poisoning, Mr. Scioscia. 356 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,381 Will... I... 357 00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:43,632 be... able... 358 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,009 to... play... 359 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:47,136 softball... tomorrow? 360 00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:48,888 (chuckling) 361 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:51,432 No, by tomorrow, you'll barely be able to breathe. 362 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:54,268 Oh... man. 363 00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:57,897 Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey Jr. needs to see you immediately. 364 00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:00,482 We think it's an overdose of nerve tonic. 365 00:15:01,692 --> 00:15:02,568 Good Lord! 366 00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:05,321 Gigantism! 367 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,488 (whistling) 368 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,032 -(baby crying) -My baby! My baby! 369 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:10,743 Don't worry, ma'am. I'll save your baby. 370 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,415 Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco. 371 00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,250 -(cat meows) -My cat! 372 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,669 Never fear, ma'am. I'll save your cat. 373 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,177 -(piano playing) -(gasps) My player piano! 374 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,136 Oh, man. 375 00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:36,727 Ohh, one thing I'm good at, and I can't do it anymore. 376 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,063 Homie, you're good at lots of things. 377 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:40,898 Like what? 378 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,316 Like snuggling. 379 00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:44,860 Yeah, but none of my friends can watch me. 380 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:45,986 Hmm. 381 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,905 BARNEY: And I say 382 00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:50,616 England's greatest prime minister 383 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:52,660 was Lord Palmerston! 384 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:53,953 Pitt, the Elder. 385 00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,080 Lord Palmerston! 386 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,332 Pitt, the Elder! 387 00:15:58,415 --> 00:16:00,709 Okay, you asked for it, Boggs. 388 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:01,835 Uh! 389 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,879 Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. 390 00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:04,922 Pitt, the Elder. 391 00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,425 Lord Palmerston! 392 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,219 Nice work, boys. 393 00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,638 I think we can close the book on just about every unsolved crime 394 00:16:12,721 --> 00:16:14,098 in our fair city. 395 00:16:14,181 --> 00:16:15,766 Don't I at least get to call my lawyer? 396 00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:18,143 You watch too many movies, Sax. 397 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:19,645 (door slams) 398 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,398 {\an8}How long does it take to see this thing? 399 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:23,524 I'm kind of in a hurry. 400 00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:25,067 Well it's hard to say, my friend. 401 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,987 Once you go in, you may never come out. 402 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:29,822 Wow! One, please. 403 00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:33,909 (Smith screaming) 404 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,160 (screaming fades) 405 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:36,286 (man chuckles) 406 00:16:38,872 --> 00:16:40,833 Where do you think you're going? 407 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,210 -To the game. -No, no, no. 408 00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,796 I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt. 409 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:47,006 We've seen it, Dad. 410 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,469 Mattingly, for the last time, get rid of those sideburns. 411 00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,764 Look Mr. Burns, I don't know what you think sideburns are, but-- 412 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,850 Don't argue with me! Just get rid of them! 413 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:00,769 Smithers, it's almost game time. 414 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,479 Where the devil are my ringers? 415 00:17:02,563 --> 00:17:04,606 Sir, Mike Scioscia may not live through the night. 416 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,943 Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences, 417 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,654 and Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth. 418 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,114 (screaming) 419 00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,407 Cool! 420 00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:14,366 (screaming) 421 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,826 Well, what about Canseco? 422 00:17:18,245 --> 00:17:20,456 The dryer goes on the right. 423 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,666 Yes, ma'am. 424 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,001 What about Clemens? 425 00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:26,295 Sir, he's in no condition to play. 426 00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,298 (clucking like a chicken) 427 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:31,008 That damn hypnotist! 428 00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:32,926 You! Look what you've done. 429 00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,387 My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken. 430 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,139 Make no mistake, I'm going to report this 431 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,058 to the American Hypnotical Association. 432 00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:41,727 But I did a good job... 433 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,063 a good job... 434 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,148 Oh well, I guess it's not your fault. 435 00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,357 You did a good job. 436 00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,693 (gasps) Mattingly! 437 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,196 I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! 438 00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:53,989 Go home! You're off the team! 439 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,200 -For good! -Fine. 440 00:17:56,283 --> 00:17:58,202 I still like him better than Steinbrenner. 441 00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,829 Ahem. All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. 442 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,499 You hate me and I hate you even more, 443 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,292 but without my beloved ringers, 444 00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:07,086 you're all I've got. 445 00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:09,671 So I... want you to remember 446 00:18:09,755 --> 00:18:11,048 some inspiring things 447 00:18:11,131 --> 00:18:12,841 that someone else may have told you 448 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,426 in the course of your lives, 449 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,136 and go out there and win. 450 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,179 (cheering) 451 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:18,180 (sniffs) 452 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,057 Not so fast, Simpson. 453 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:21,975 The man who plays your position is still here. 454 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,728 -Hit the pine. -Ohh! 455 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:30,025 You stink, Strawberry! 456 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,694 We want home-run Homer! 457 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:34,571 (taunting) Darryl. 458 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,907 Darryl. 459 00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,701 -Darryl. Darryl. -Darryl. Darryl. 460 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,829 Children, that's not very nice. 461 00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,413 Mom, they're professional athletes. 462 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,124 They're used to this sort of thing. 463 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:47,000 It rolls right off their backs. 464 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,169 (sniffs) 465 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:52,923 -Who wants peanuts? I got peanuts! -Over here! 466 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,842 Hey, wha, ho, peanuts taste good! 467 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,885 Hey, peanuts! We got peanuts! 468 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:57,970 Need some peanuts? Heads up! 469 00:18:58,053 --> 00:18:59,138 All right, Monty, 470 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:01,265 it's up to your managerial skills. 471 00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:02,683 What to do-- 472 00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:03,976 Smithers, massage my brain. 473 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,060 Yes, sir. 474 00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:10,941 BURNS: You, Strawberry! Hit a home run! 475 00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:12,442 Okay, Skip. 476 00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,699 Ha ha ha! I told him to do that. 477 00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:19,825 Brilliant strategy, sir. 478 00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:24,538 Ohh! 479 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:26,081 MARGE: Oh, dear! 480 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,124 Hmm. 481 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,584 Children, tell me 482 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:31,420 when your father stops scratching himself. 483 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,173 Kids? 484 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:35,757 We'll tell you, mom. 485 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,718 BURNS: All right, tie game. 486 00:19:37,801 --> 00:19:39,970 Bottom of the ninth. 487 00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:41,513 Two outs, bases loaded. 488 00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,140 Strawberry coming up. 489 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,392 They're going to win the city championship. 490 00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:48,061 No thanks to me. 491 00:19:48,145 --> 00:19:50,022 Wait. You! Strawberry! 492 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,523 Good effort today. 493 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,192 Take a lap and hit the showers. 494 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,027 I'm putting in a right-handed batter to hit for you. 495 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,778 -What? -You're pinch-hitting for me?! 496 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,573 Yes. You see you're a left-hander, 497 00:19:59,656 --> 00:20:00,866 and so is the pitcher. 498 00:20:00,949 --> 00:20:02,284 If I send up a right-handed batter, 499 00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,203 it's called playing the percentages. 500 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:06,538 It's what smart managers do to win ball games. 501 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,457 But I've got nine home runs today. 502 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,542 You should be very proud of yourself. Sit down. 503 00:20:10,626 --> 00:20:12,377 Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry. 504 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:14,129 I am? Whoo-hoo! 505 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,339 That a boy, Homer. 506 00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,382 -You can do it. -(clucking) 507 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,052 All right, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. 508 00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:22,054 If I tug the bill of my cap like so... 509 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:23,222 Yeah? 510 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:24,223 ...it means the signal is a fake. 511 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:25,807 Uh-huh. 512 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,935 However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly. 513 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,186 -Got it. -If I want you to bunt, 514 00:20:29,269 --> 00:20:30,687 I will touch my belt buckle 515 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,648 not once, not twice, but thrice. 516 00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:36,235 Uh oh. I don't understand a word he's saying. 517 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:38,111 Why doesn't he just let me bat? 518 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,488 I wish I was home 519 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:42,699 with a big bag of potato chips. 520 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:46,078 Mmm... potato chips. 521 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,080 -Got that, Simpson? -Yes, sir. 522 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:52,751 Now batting for Darryl Strawberry-- Homer Simpson. 523 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:54,127 -All right! -Yay! 524 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:55,379 (crowd booing) 525 00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,881 (theme from "The Natural" plays) 526 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,013 Huh? 527 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,098 Oof! 528 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:08,892 -(wild cheering) -(Marge gasps) 529 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,269 Oh, dear! 530 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,396 No, Mom. It counts as a hit. 531 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,398 Dad just won the game. 532 00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:16,233 Oh. Well, I guess he'll be happy 533 00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:18,360 when he comes to. 534 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,029 We won! We won! All right! 535 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,447 (theme from "The Natural" plays) 536 00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,161 Homer! Homer! Homer! 537 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,086 ♪♪ 538 00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:43,302 {\an8}♪ Well, Mr. Burns had done it ♪ 539 00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:45,679 {\an8}♪ The power plant had won it ♪ 540 00:21:45,762 --> 00:21:49,349 {\an8}♪ With Roger Clemens clucking all the while ♪ 541 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:53,770 {\an8}♪ Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile ♪ 542 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:55,230 {\an8}♪ While Wade Boggs lay unconscious ♪ 543 00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,274 {\an8}♪ On the barroom tile ♪ 544 00:21:57,357 --> 00:21:59,526 {\an8}♪ We're talking softball ♪ 545 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:01,445 {\an8}♪ From Maine to San Diego ♪ 546 00:22:01,528 --> 00:22:04,114 {\an8}♪ Talking softball ♪ 547 00:22:04,197 --> 00:22:06,116 {\an8}♪ Mattingly and Canseco ♪ 548 00:22:06,199 --> 00:22:09,953 {\an8}♪ Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw ♪ 549 00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:13,498 {\an8}♪ Steve Sax and his run-in with the law ♪ 550 00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:17,294 {\an8}♪ We're talking Homer ♪ 551 00:22:17,377 --> 00:22:19,671 {\an8}♪ Ozzie and the Straw ♪ 552 00:22:21,923 --> 00:22:24,301 {\an8}♪ We're talking softball ♪ 553 00:22:24,384 --> 00:22:26,303 {\an8}♪ From Maine to San Diego ♪ 554 00:22:26,386 --> 00:22:28,930 {\an8}♪ Talking softball ♪ 555 00:22:29,014 --> 00:22:30,849 {\an8}♪ Mattingly and Canseco ♪ 556 00:22:30,932 --> 00:22:34,436 {\an8}♪ Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw ♪ 557 00:22:34,519 --> 00:22:35,645 {\an8}♪ Steve Sax ♪ 558 00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,190 {\an8}♪ And his run-in with the law ♪ 559 00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:42,277 {\an8}♪ We're talking Homer ♪ 560 00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:44,529 {\an8}♪ Ozzie and the Straw. ♪ 561 00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:51,787 (baseball being hit, organ plays) 562 00:22:55,082 --> 00:22:57,959 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.