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00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922
{\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪
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(chalk screeches)
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(bell rings)
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(work whistle blows)
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-(sucking)
-(register beeping)
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(jazzy solo)
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(tires screech)
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(tires screeching)
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(horn honks)
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00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:02,270
(tires screech)
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00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482
D'oh!
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00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734
-Aah!
-(tires screech)
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MAN: Principal Skinner,
"The Happiest Place on Earth"
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{\an8}is a registered
Disneyland copyright.
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{\an8}Well, gentlemen,
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{\an8}it's just a small
school carnival.
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00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:35,303
{\an8}And it's heading for
a great big lawsuit.
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00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:37,514
{\an8}You made a big mistake,
Skinner.
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{\an8}Well, so did you.
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{\an8}You got an ex-Green Beret mad.
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{\an8}(gasps)
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{\an8}(grunting)
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{\an8}(groaning)
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{\an8}(gasps)
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{\an8}(grunts)
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{\an8}Copyright expired.
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{\an8}And begin.
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{\an8}This sucks.
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{\an8}(yells)
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{\an8}(laughs)
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{\an8}Pick the red, get ahead.
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{\an8}Pick the black,
sets you back.
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{\an8}Hmm, I don't recall
authorizing this booth.
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{\an8}Good-bye, gentlemen.
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{\an8}(gasping)
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{\an8}(coughing)
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{\an8}Get your haggis right here.
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{\an8}Chopped heart and lungs,
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{\an8}boiled in a real
sheep's stomach.
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{\an8}Tastes as good as it sounds.
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{\an8}Good for what ails you.
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{\an8}Hag--
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{\an8}(groans)
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I'd say 53 years old
and 420 pounds.
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Ha, ha! You lose.
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36 and 239.
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Oh.
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♪♪ (loud rock music)
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Hey, Otto, man
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I dare you
to make this go faster.
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Ooh, challenge accepted.
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(screaming)
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I'll be in Mexico
till this thing blows over.
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(yelling)
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Oh, boy!
A spookhouse.
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Hand over
all your money.
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(grunting)
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Was it scary?
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(painfully)
Uh-huh.
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Ooh-hoo, baby!
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BART: Uh-oh.
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So, girlie,
you like roller-skating?
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-No.
-Yeah,
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everybody loves
roller-skating.
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Okay.
You can turn around now.
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(gasps)
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(people laughing)
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Oh, my God.
I'm ugly.
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Now in a moment,
we'll be raffling off
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our grand prize...
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a ride on the famous
Duff Beer blimp.
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A ride on the Duff blimp.
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You see the circular
pattern on those fields?
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That's from
central pivot irrigation.
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Wow.
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00:03:58,321 --> 00:03:59,280
Now, let's see
what's happening
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at the Super Bowl.
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CROWD (chanting):
Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!
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00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:07,413
MAN: Oops! Sorry.
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{\an8}(chanting continues)
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00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:13,753
Homer. Homer. Homer.
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But first,
our second-prize winner,
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and the recipient of
this handsome shoe buffer...
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Ned Flanders!
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(gasps)
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Oh, it's no fair.
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00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,433
We'll never have
a buffer.
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We have one at home.
You never use it.
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00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,979
Well, I want that one.
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And the winner
of the blimp ride is...
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Homer Simpson!
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Oh, my God!
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(whimpers)
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♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪
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♪ Flying through the sky
so fancy-free ♪
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(crying)
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Honey, what's wrong?
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Dad, do you think I'm ugly?
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What are you
talking about?
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(laughs)
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Oh, Lisa, this isn't real.
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It's just how you might look
if you were a cartoon character.
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I'm an ugmo!
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Now, that's not true.
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You're cute as a bug's ear.
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{\an8}Fathers have
to say that stuff.
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Dad, am I cute
as a bug's ear?
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No! You're homely
as a mule's butt!
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There, see?
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I'd like to be alone, please.
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(sobbing)
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Moe, have you
ever felt unattractive?
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Hmm, no.
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How about you,
Barney?
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Not for a second.
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(belches)
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Yeah... I need help.
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BOTH: Whee! Whee!
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Whee! Whee!
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Whee-e-e!
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I guess every father thinks
his daughter is the cutest.
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Well, now there's a way
to prove it.
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Wow, president
of Laramie Cigarettes
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Jack Larson.
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This year
Laramie is sponsoring
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the Little Miss Springfield
pageant.
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You see,
government regulations
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prohibit us
from advertising on TV...
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00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,200
Ahh...
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that sweet Carolina smoke.
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But they can't prohibit us
from holding a beauty pageant
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for little girls
age seven to nine.
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Lisa's age
seven to nine.
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Your daughter
could be crowned
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Little Miss Springfield
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by our host,
the maitre 'd of glee
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Krusty the Clown.
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I heartily endorse
this event or product.
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What a feeling!
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I'm as happy as a smoker
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taking that first puff
in the morning.
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That could be Lisa.
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The Little Miss Springfield
pageant--
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only $250 to enter.
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Oh...
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Hey, Barney.
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Will you give me 250 bucks
for this blimp ticket?
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Sure.
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(gasps) Where did you
get all the money?
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From some scientist.
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00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,043
Since they stopped testing
on animals,
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a guy like me
can really clean up.
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(gulping)
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I'm hideous.
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Lisa, I know a song
that will cheer you up.
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♪ There once was
an ugly duckling ♪
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So you think I'm ugly?
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No, no!
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I meant you were one of
the good-looking ducks...
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that makes fun of the ugly one.
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(groans)
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Lisa, if you could have
one wish, what would it be?
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00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,741
To shut myself off
from the world
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and never be seen
by human eyes again.
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Uh, was your second wish
to be entered in
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00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:36,414
the Little Miss Springfield
pageant?
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What are you talking about?
168
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I sent in an application
for you.
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I couldn't find
a big enough photo,
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00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,630
so I sent in that funny drawing
of you on roller skates.
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How could you?!
I won't do it!
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(sobbing)
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Homer, Lisa's already
sensitive about her looks.
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00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:55,057
This is the last thing
she needs.
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But I think she'll win.
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Dad, have you seen the girls
they have in those contests?
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Hubba, hubba!
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(panting)
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(howls)
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00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:11,032
Hey, nobody's prettier
than my little girl.
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00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,576
Hmm. You're looking at her
through a father's eyes.
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00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,578
Well, if I could gouge out
somebody else's eyes
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00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,330
and shove them
into my sockets,
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I would, but to me
she's beautiful.
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00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:22,460
That is so sweet.
186
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:26,005
Honey, no one's going to
force you to do anything,
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00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,465
but do you know
how your father
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00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:29,425
got the money to enter you
in this pageant?
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00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,718
Nope.
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00:08:30,801 --> 00:08:34,138
He sold his ride
on the Duff blimp.
191
00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:36,516
But that ride
meant everything to him.
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♪ Hey, there, blimpy boy ♪
193
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:46,692
♪ Flying through the sky
so fancy-free ♪
194
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I'll do it.
195
00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:53,491
Did you see
Tina Epstein?
196
00:08:53,574 --> 00:08:55,451
Whoa. If you're gonna binge,
you'd better purge.
197
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,494
Uh-oh.
198
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:02,875
Amber Dempsey.
199
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,127
In the same week,
she was Pork Princess
200
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,712
and Little Miss Kosher.
201
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,589
She's beautiful.
202
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,008
Wait, she's about to
bring out the big guns.
203
00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:15,263
Eyelash implants.
204
00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:16,973
I thought those
were illegal.
205
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,975
Not in Paraguay.
206
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:20,685
There's no way I can
beat this girl.
207
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:23,312
She's the Jack Nicklaus
of the pageant circuit.
208
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,814
Oh, I don't know
that she's as attractive
209
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,483
as Jack Nicklaus.
210
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,946
(humming)
211
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,699
I meant because they both
win all the time, Mom.
212
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,410
Oh. Well, yes.
That's what I meant, too.
213
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:39,036
Well, tell you what.
214
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,080
This afternoon, I'll take you
to the beauty parlor
215
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:43,791
and show you just
how lovely you can be.
216
00:09:43,874 --> 00:09:45,710
And later, I'll teach you
the tricks of the trade--
217
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,628
taping your swimsuit
to your butt,
218
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,423
petroleum jelly on your teeth
for that frictionless smile,
219
00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:52,466
and the ancient art
of padding.
220
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,718
(purring)
221
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,016
Are we done?
222
00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,227
We are just warming up.
223
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,771
Oh. Isn't this dangerous?
224
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:06,897
Don't worry.
225
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,816
I am well protected.
226
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,410
Boy, when Lisa comes in
I want you to
227
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,746
make a big fuss
over how she looks.
228
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:24,582
She'll see through me
like grandma's underpants.
229
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:25,708
No, she won't.
230
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,710
When it comes
to compliments,
231
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:29,295
women are ravenous,
bloodsucking monsters,
232
00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:32,715
always wanting
more, more, more!
233
00:10:32,798 --> 00:10:34,091
And if you give it to them,
234
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,052
you'll get plenty back
in return.
235
00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:37,261
Like what?
236
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,263
I'll tell you when you're older.
237
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,685
(laughs)
238
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,270
(door closes)
239
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:50,107
Is that Lisa?
240
00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,193
Ooh, I got
to call heaven.
241
00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:53,694
There's
an angel missing.
242
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,696
{\an8}And who's your little
school friend?
243
00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,783
{\an8}Wait a minute--
that's Mom!
244
00:10:58,866 --> 00:11:00,326
Oh, my goodness.
245
00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,703
{\an8}Aren't they nice!
Thank you.
246
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,246
I know two fellows
247
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:06,832
who are going to get
a special dinner tonight.
248
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,878
-Hey, hey!
-Woo-hoo!
249
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:12,630
{\an8}Dad, you know anything else
about women?
250
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:13,839
Nope, that's it.
251
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,260
Hey, brush head.
252
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,304
You've been nursing that
thing for an hour.
253
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:21,806
You know,
I was just wondering
254
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:23,557
how someone who works
in an ice cream store
255
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:26,060
keeps such a trim figure.
256
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,436
I've misjudged you.
257
00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:31,440
♪♪ (piano)
258
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:34,568
I said, "Step, pause,
259
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,278
turn, pause,
pivot, step, step."
260
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:38,948
not, "Step, pause, turn,
pause, pivot, step, pause."
261
00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:41,992
Oh, shudder.
262
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,329
And the winner is...
Lisa Simpson!
263
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:46,455
(gasps)
264
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,540
Okay, wipe away
a tear...
265
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:50,167
hug the loser...
266
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,044
and now,
for your triumphant walk
267
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,295
down the runway.
268
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,630
(shoes squeaking)
269
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,049
Whoa.
270
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,051
(yelling)
271
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,053
It's hopeless.
272
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,596
There's nothing to it.
273
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:03,681
Give me those heels.
274
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:08,352
Heel, toe. Heel, toe.
Heel, toe.
275
00:12:08,436 --> 00:12:10,354
Do you really think I can win?
276
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,107
Hey, I'm starting to think
I can win.
277
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:15,735
But those other girls
are prettier than me.
278
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,611
Lis, as your brother,
279
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,030
this is the hardest thing
I've ever had to say.
280
00:12:20,114 --> 00:12:21,949
You're not ugly.
281
00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,325
Oh, Bart!
282
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,833
♪♪
283
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,212
♪ Out on our own ♪
284
00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:36,714
♪ Making it work ♪
285
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,257
♪ Gasping for air ♪
286
00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:41,427
♪ Having it all ♪
287
00:12:41,510 --> 00:12:43,387
My name is Amber Dempsey.
288
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,265
When I grow up,
I want to be a sweetie pie.
289
00:12:46,348 --> 00:12:47,516
(applause)
290
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,479
I am Pahusacheta
Nahasapeemapetilon
291
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,564
and tonight I will be playing
"MacArthur Park"
292
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,316
on the tabla.
293
00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,234
(laughing)
294
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:58,903
No, I am serious.
295
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,197
Yes, judges,
there's your queen.
296
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,365
Who's watching
the Kwik-E-Mart?
297
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,909
(both gasp)
298
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,452
(groaning)
299
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:07,953
(laughing)
300
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,288
My name is Lisa Simpson,
301
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,791
and I want to be
Little Miss Springfield
302
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:14,001
so I can make our town
a better place.
303
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:16,128
Yeah, clean up this stink hole!
304
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:19,173
(panting)
305
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:22,176
Krusty. About time
you got here.
306
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,886
Yeah, yeah, what is this?
307
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,638
The Republican fundraiser?
308
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:26,847
♪ Check it out ♪
309
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:28,140
♪ Hey, look at us ♪
310
00:13:28,224 --> 00:13:29,850
♪ Making a wish ♪
311
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:31,227
♪ Dreaming a dream ♪
312
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,978
♪ Little Miss Springfield ♪
313
00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:36,190
♪ Which one will it be? ♪
314
00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:37,650
GIRLS: Me!
315
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:41,320
Oh, that brisket's
not sitting right.
316
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:45,783
♪ And I'll never have
that recipe again ♪
317
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:48,702
♪ Oh, no ♪
318
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:51,455
(scattered applause)
319
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:54,458
Oh, that just kept going, huh?
320
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,920
And now, here's...
Lisa Simpson!
321
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,089
They'll love you
just as much as I do.
322
00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,674
{\an8}Thanks, Dad.
323
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,181
Mmm!
324
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,855
Some people say
that to love your country
325
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,566
is old-fashioned,
uncool, real Melvin.
326
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:20,484
Well, to them I say--
327
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,736
♪ Oh, beautiful ♪
328
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,406
♪ For spacious skies ♪
329
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:29,201
♪ For Amber waves of grain ♪
330
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,703
One, two, three, four!
331
00:14:30,786 --> 00:14:33,289
♪ Left a good job
in the city ♪
332
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,125
♪ Working for the man
every night and day ♪
333
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,710
(cheering)
334
00:14:42,172 --> 00:14:46,093
This is my favorite part
of the pageant because...
335
00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:47,428
What does that say?
336
00:14:47,511 --> 00:14:50,014
Oh. It gives me a chance
337
00:14:50,097 --> 00:14:52,057
to visit with the girls
personality...
338
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,434
uh, personally.
339
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,186
Amber, do you think
the Bill of Rights
340
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:59,148
is a good thing
or a bad thing?
341
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,524
Um...
342
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,235
Take your time,
dear.
343
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,987
Good thing.
344
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,906
ALL: Aw...
345
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,199
And now it's time to name
our runner-up,
346
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:11,368
who, if the winner
doesn't fulfill her duties...
347
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,203
blah, blah, blah.
348
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,080
And don't say
it will never happen,
349
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:17,875
because we all remember
that thing with what's her name.
350
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:20,336
Click, click.
You know.
351
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,421
Okay, the runner-up is...
352
00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:23,505
(drum roll)
353
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,427
Hmm.
354
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:30,971
Lisa Simpson!
355
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,389
Which means Amber Dempsey
356
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:35,225
is the new
Little Miss Springfield!
357
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,102
(applause)
358
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:39,313
♪♪
359
00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:43,525
♪ "L,"
the losers in her wake ♪
360
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:47,947
♪ "I," the income
she will make ♪
361
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,743
♪ "T" is for her
tooth filled mouth ♪
362
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:56,497
♪ "T," is for her
tooth filled mouth ♪
363
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,165
MAN (on TV):
Coming up next:
364
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:00,000
A new fad that's
sweeping the nation--
365
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,794
wasting food.
366
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:07,257
But first,
let's join the new
367
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,218
Little Miss Springfield,
Amber Dempsey
368
00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:13,347
as she helps open
the Danish superchain, Shop.
369
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,015
Scott, everyone is here,
370
00:16:15,099 --> 00:16:16,433
from the mayor's
illegitimate son
371
00:16:16,517 --> 00:16:18,268
to our own Duff blimp.
372
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,937
Hi. Can I drive?
373
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:21,772
Well, I can't see
the harm.
374
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,234
(Barney yelling)
375
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,698
Oh, the humanity!
376
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,282
Anyway,
to turn on the store's
377
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,784
severe tire damage spikes,
378
00:16:33,867 --> 00:16:35,661
here's
Little Miss Springfield.
379
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:44,128
Oh dear, it would be a shame
if that pretty dress got wet.
380
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,879
I'd say
the greater danger
381
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,132
is her scepter acting
as a lightning rod...
382
00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,509
unless it's made
out of plastic.
383
00:16:50,592 --> 00:16:51,677
{\an8}(thunder booming)
384
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,220
{\an8}Nope. Metal.
385
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,930
Ladies and gentlemen,
Little Miss Springfield
386
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,557
has been struck
by lightning.
387
00:16:58,392 --> 00:17:00,310
Doctor, what is
Amber's condition?
388
00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,562
Oh, she'll be fine.
389
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:03,105
In fact,
she's already won
390
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:05,607
the Little Miss
Intensive Care pageant.
391
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,488
Congratulations, Lisa.
392
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,866
You're the new
Little Miss Springfield.
393
00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,200
Here's your scepter.
394
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,327
Whoop!
(laughs)
395
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,955
Just kidding.
Here you go.
396
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,207
Whoop!
(laughs)
397
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:23,208
Just kidding.
398
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,753
(thunder booming)
399
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:27,254
I deserved that.
400
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:35,721
{\an8}That doesn't look
like her body.
401
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,681
The torso
used to be Dr. Ruth.
402
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:40,059
Her head is on a pike
in the chamber of horrors.
403
00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,313
(boys whistling)
404
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:45,689
Hi, fellas.
405
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:49,318
Love that chewing gum walk.
406
00:17:49,401 --> 00:17:51,320
Very Wrigley.
407
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,532
As Little Miss Springfield,
it's my pleasure
408
00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:58,494
to welcome you to America,
the land of opportunity.
409
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,245
Actually,
they're being deported.
410
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:04,041
♪♪ (mournful tune)
411
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:07,503
EMCEE: And now, let's give
a big Fort Springfield welcome
412
00:18:07,586 --> 00:18:08,712
to Mr. Bob Hope.
413
00:18:08,796 --> 00:18:09,755
What's the mayor's name?
414
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:12,091
-Quimby.
-Beautiful.
415
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,887
Hello, this is Bob
"What the hell am I doing
416
00:18:16,970 --> 00:18:18,514
in Springfield?" Hope.
417
00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,599
Hey, how about
that Mayor Quimby?
418
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:22,059
He's some golfer.
419
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,394
His golf ball
spends more time underwater
420
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:25,395
than Greg Louganis.
421
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:28,982
And now,
I want to show you
422
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:30,776
what you're fighting for--
if there was a war on--
423
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,403
Little Miss Springfield.
424
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,240
Isn't she beautiful?
425
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:38,033
Little Miss Springfield?
426
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,911
First Tony Randall cancels,
now this.
427
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,371
SOLDIER:
Hey, what gives here?
428
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:43,372
(helicopter whirring)
429
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:47,417
MAN:
We want Miss Springfield.
430
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,753
Hey, set me down
at that boat show.
431
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:52,131
{\an8}I'm gonna be riding
on a pack of cigarettes?
432
00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,799
Mm-hmm. We think
433
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,509
you're the perfect spokesmodel
for Laramie's.
434
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,928
It's part
of our new campaign.
435
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,597
{\an8}Mmm... classy.
436
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,099
(gasping)
437
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:04,184
You see, Lisa, it's been
an unlucky year for Laramie.
438
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:06,937
A lot of people who smoke
our product have been...
439
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,480
well, dying.
440
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,066
And we need young smokers
to take their place.
441
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:14,194
{\an8}I don't want to be a spokesperson
for a cigarette company.
442
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:16,363
But you're a role model
to young people
443
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:19,783
and we're thinking
of retiring Menthol Moose.
444
00:19:21,368 --> 00:19:22,953
(hacking cough)
445
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,955
(hocks and spits)
446
00:19:25,038 --> 00:19:28,750
♪♪ (march)
447
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,046
Bless you, boys.
448
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,424
Homer, those are
ice cream men.
449
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:36,466
I know.
450
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,888
(crowd exclaiming
and applauding)
451
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,474
(gasping)
452
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,234
Stop this float!
453
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,819
(grunting)
454
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,279
What's the holdup? Go!
455
00:19:57,362 --> 00:20:00,490
I'm tired of being
a corporate shill.
456
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,659
(grunting)
457
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,578
From now on, I will speak out
458
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,830
against the evils in society
459
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,040
from dognapping
460
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:09,374
to cigarettes.
461
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:17,549
LISA: Before I sing
the national anthem
462
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:20,093
I'd like to say that
college football diverts funds
463
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:23,722
badly needed
for education and the arts.
464
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:24,973
(crowd murmuring)
465
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:25,974
Is that true?
466
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,434
Let's get 'em!
467
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,353
(angry whining)
468
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,063
Let's get out of here!
469
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,988
Gentlemen, we need
to get Lisa Simpson out
470
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,907
and Amber Dempsey back in,
471
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:44,034
but this glorified
crossing guard of a police chief
472
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,827
won't get off
his big fat can.
473
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,704
Is it okay if I open
these potato chips?
474
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:48,997
(sneers)
475
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,375
Gentlemen, our prayers
have been answered.
476
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,085
Take a look at our
Little Miss Springfield's
477
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:54,711
pageant application.
478
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,217
Roxie, bring in
a bottle of champagne.
479
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:03,220
And some dip for these chips...
or something.
480
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:06,640
Lisa Simpson is no longer
Little Miss Springfield.
481
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,685
She was stripped of her crown
in a ceremony earlier today.
482
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:14,815
Well, that's obviously
the wrong footage.
483
00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:17,818
Uh... but it does
seem the father
484
00:21:17,901 --> 00:21:20,195
of the deposed beauty queen,
Homer Simpson,
485
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,531
filled out the pageant
application incorrectly.
486
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:25,117
In the area under
"Do not write in this space,"
487
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,077
he wrote, "Okay."
488
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,830
If it wasn't for me,
you'd still be queen.
489
00:21:29,913 --> 00:21:31,873
-You must hate me.
-Dad, do you remember
490
00:21:31,957 --> 00:21:33,917
why you entered me
in that pageant?
491
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,294
I don't know.
Was I drunk?
492
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,296
Possibly,
but the point is
493
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,548
you wanted me
to feel better about myself,
494
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:40,841
and I do.
495
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:42,592
-Really?
-Uh-huh.
496
00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,011
Will you remember this
497
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,220
the next time
I wreck your life?
498
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,139
It's a deal.
499
00:21:48,932 --> 00:21:50,267
And now, my
exclusive interview
500
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:53,312
with his holiness,
Pope John Paul II.
501
00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:56,481
That's it.
502
00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:59,026
I cannot work
under these conditions.
503
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,652
If anybody wants me,
504
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,404
I'll be downstairs
at MacDougal's.
505
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,489
Call the weekend guy.
I don't care.
506
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:05,866
(door slamming)
507
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,579
♪♪
508
00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:55,082
Shh!
509
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,462
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.