1
00:00:03,044 --> 00:00:05,588
{\an8}<i>♪ The Simpsons ♪</i>

2
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:11,177
(bell ringing)

3
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,804
(tires screech)

4
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:15,724
D'oh!

5
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:16,683
-Aah!
-(tires screech)

6
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,437
(glass shattering)

7
00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,703
{\an8}-(chortling)
-(applause)

8
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:39,456
{\an8}Please, Krusty,
this is very demeaning.

9
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,416
{\an8}Shut up and conduct!

10
00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:42,417
(chittering)

11
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,086
("Blue Danube waltz")

12
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,343
{\an8}(chitters)

13
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:56,473
{\an8}-(screaming)
-(all monkeys screeching)

14
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,975
{\an8}-(gnawing)
-(groaning)

15
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,769
{\an8}(laughing)

16
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:06,024
{\an8}Maggie, can you point
to the monkey?

17
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,026
{\an8}(blows raspberry)
What do babies know?

18
00:01:08,109 --> 00:01:10,278
{\an8}Maggie, can you point
to the credenza?

19
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:14,074
{\an8}-D'oh!
-MARGE: Homer, you didn't do

20
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,159
{\an8}a very good job frosting
Maggie's birthday cake.

21
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:20,163
{\an8}What? It's not
"Magaggie's" birthday?

22
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,208
Oh.
(chewing loudly)

23
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,795
{\an8}Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Stop it!

24
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,630
{\an8}I made a special cake
for you to ruin.

25
00:01:28,713 --> 00:01:31,299
{\an8}-It's over there.
-Ooh.

26
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:33,760
{\an8}-(chews loudly)
-(doorbell rings)

27
00:01:35,553 --> 00:01:38,056
{\an8}Hello, everyone,
except Homer.

28
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,142
{\an8}Happy birthday,
granddaughter.

29
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:44,187
{\an8}Marge, I think that's your
father-in-law across the street.

30
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:49,526
Happy birthday!

31
00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:51,653
Everybody get ready.

32
00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,738
Here comes
the birthday girl

33
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:56,825
in her very first
dress.

34
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,076
ALL: Aww!

35
00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,411
She's a little angel.

36
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:04,374
Yeah. I wanna put a hook in her
and hang her from our Christmas tree.

37
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,876
What smells?

38
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,128
Uh-oh.

39
00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:14,342
Shouldn't we wait for the other babies
before we open the presents?

40
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:16,052
We didn't invite
the other babies.

41
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,513
Maggie doesn't seem to get
along with the other babies.

42
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:27,939
MARGE: Maggie, we have
a surprise for you!

43
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,528
(whimpering)

44
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,655
(shutters clicking)

45
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:37,532
(whimpers)

46
00:02:37,615 --> 00:02:42,287
Ooh, put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent
on a wad of cotton.

47
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:43,830
Put the cotton
in her ear.

48
00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,165
That'll stop them shakes.

49
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,585
No, no. What she needs
is a Balsam Specific.

50
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,128
Balsam Specific!

51
00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,380
Oof-- While we're
burning money,

52
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:55,425
why don't we give her a curative
galvanic belt too?

53
00:02:55,508 --> 00:02:58,178
(raspy voice) Don't forget
to give her Smeckler's powder.

54
00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,512
BOTH:
Don't make fun.

55
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,602
I remember Lisa's
third birthday.

56
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:09,189
She and Bart did this adorable
little song and dance routine.

57
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:10,815
Oh! (laughs)

58
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,817
That was a real
horn-honker!

59
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,278
-Let's see it.
-(Bart groans)

60
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,822
Now! Do it!

61
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,157
(both groaning)

62
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:20,074
Do it!

63
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:25,955
<i>♪ Hot dogs,</i>
<i>Armour hot dogs ♪</i>

64
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,540
Sing it like you mean it!

65
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,793
<i>♪ What kinds of kids</i>
<i>eat Armour hot dogs ♪</i>

66
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,879
<i>-♪ Fat kids ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Skinny kids ♪</i>

67
00:03:32,962 --> 00:03:34,923
<i>♪ Kids who climb</i>
<i>on rocks ♪</i>

68
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,799
<i>-♪ Tough kids ♪</i>
<i>-♪ Sissy kids ♪</i>

69
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,468
<i>♪ Even kids</i>
<i>with chicken pox ♪</i>

70
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,303
ALL: <i>♪ Love hot dogs ♪</i>

71
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:42,055
<i>♪ Armour hot dogs ♪</i>

72
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:46,643
<i>♪ The dogs kids</i>
<i>love to ♪</i>

73
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:50,313
{\an8}(off-key)
<i>♪ Bite ♪</i>

74
00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:51,689
Doesn't this family
know any songs

75
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:52,982
that aren't
commercials?

76
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:59,197
ALL: <i>♪ I feel like</i>
<i>chicken tonight ♪</i>

77
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,283
<i>♪ Like chicken tonight,</i>
<i>like chicken tonight ♪</i>

78
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,370
(sighs)

79
00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:08,373
It's been great spending time
with my family again.

80
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,668
I guess the next time I see you
won't be until Thanksgiving.

81
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,837
Or if not then,
Christmas.

82
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,257
I suppose I'll
be getting home too.

83
00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:20,009
At least I got
Matlock to keep me company.

84
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,387
D'oh! He's on
in five minutes!

85
00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,389
He is? Step on it!

86
00:04:24,472 --> 00:04:25,682
(tires screech)

87
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,016
OLD MAN: Hurry up! Hurry!

88
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,810
Each Matlock
could be our last.

89
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,104
Homie, you know
it's funny,

90
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:34,274
both my mother and your father
seem pretty lonely.

91
00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:36,401
(giggles)
That is funny.

92
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,862
Yeah. Anyway, maybe they could
go to a matinee together,

93
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,407
or shopping,
or to that room in the library

94
00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:44,117
that's always full
of old people--

95
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:45,702
Periodicals, that's it!

96
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:49,622
Marge, please, old people
don't need companionship.

97
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,541
They need to be
isolated and studied,

98
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,543
so it can be determined
what nutrients they have

99
00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,712
that might be extracted
for our personal use.

100
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,797
Homer, would you please stop
reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

101
00:04:57,880 --> 00:04:59,257
Oh!

102
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,556
Say, I've got
a neat idea.

103
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,016
Why don't you go in
and pick up my mother,

104
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:09,600
and we'll go out to dinner?

105
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,269
I'll be back
in a jiffy!

106
00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:17,567
That's not my mother.

107
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,736
I'll be back
in a jiffy!

108
00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:25,241
Can I come too?

109
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,284
Oh.

110
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:30,371
(electrical buzzing)

111
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:36,419
You know, Mom, you and Abe
have a lot in common.

112
00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,047
Um-- Hmm.

113
00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:42,050
You both got swindled
by that telemarketing scam.

114
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:45,511
Oh, it's not a swindle.
What you do is, see,

115
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,764
you give them all
your credit card numbers,

116
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:52,060
and if one of them is lucky,
they'll send you a prize.

117
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:55,438
I was just happy to talk
to someone on the phone.

118
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,899
Aw, feelin' blue, eh?

119
00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,817
I got somethin'
that'll cheer you up.

120
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,528
{\an8}(grunts)

121
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:07,241
{\an8}(humming)

122
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,581
-(wheezy laugh)
-(humming continues)

123
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:14,582
Hmm?

124
00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,459
Sir, I represent the estate
of Charles Chaplin.

125
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,503
I have a court order
demanding an immediate halt

126
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,296
to this unauthorized
imitation.

127
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,632
-Boys!
-(both grunting)

128
00:06:27,011 --> 00:06:28,930
And here's a picture
of me getting arrested

129
00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,765
for indecent exposure.

130
00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:34,227
It was the most embarrassing day
of my life.

131
00:06:34,310 --> 00:06:36,938
(Grampa whistles)
Lift those gams!

132
00:06:37,021 --> 00:06:39,357
You were one
nifty number.

133
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,275
The boys all paid attention
to me

134
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:43,945
and it drove
my friends crazy.

135
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:45,655
Oh, who were
your friends?

136
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,448
Oh, Zelda Fitzgerald,

137
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:50,118
Frances Farmer,
and little Sylvia Plath.

138
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:54,747
You know, you remind me of
a poem I can't remember

139
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:57,250
and a song that may
never have existed

140
00:06:57,333 --> 00:07:00,545
and a place I'm not sure
I've ever been to.

141
00:07:00,628 --> 00:07:02,171
You're so sweet.

142
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:05,967
<i>Ooh, I feel all funny.</i>

143
00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:09,345
<i>(gasps)</i>
<i>I'm in love!</i>

144
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,305
<i>No, wait,</i>
<i>it's a stroke.</i>

145
00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:15,476
-(sirens blaring)
-GRAMPA: No, wait, it is love!

146
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,398
I'm in lo-o-o-o-ve!

147
00:07:20,481 --> 00:07:22,608
(car horns honking)

148
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:30,158
<i>-(applause)</i>
<i>-Hello, I'm Troy McClure.</i>

149
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:32,201
{\an8}<i>You might remember me</i>
<i>from such films as</i>

150
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,287
{\an8}<i>"The Boatjacking</i>
<i>of Supership 79"</i>

151
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:37,540
{\an8}<i>and "Hydro: The Man</i>
<i>with the Hydraulic Arms".</i>

152
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,959
{\an8}<i>Coming up this hour on</i>
<i>the Impulse Buying Network,</i>

153
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:43,087
{\an8}<i>your chance to own</i>
<i>a piece of Itchy and Scratchy,</i>

154
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,631
{\an8}<i>the toontown twosome</i>
<i>beloved by everyone--</i>

155
00:07:45,715 --> 00:07:48,176
{\an8}<i>Even cynical members</i>
<i>of Generation X.</i>

156
00:07:48,259 --> 00:07:50,887
(scoffs)
Yeah, "groovy."

157
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:52,972
{\an8}<i>Troy, I'm proud to offer</i>
<i>your viewers</i>

158
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,933
{\an8}<i>these hand-drawn</i>
<i>Itchy & Scratchy animation cels.</i>

159
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,312
{\an8}<i>Each one is absolutely,</i>
<i>positively, 100% guaranteed</i>

160
00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:00,605
{\an8}<i>to increase in value.</i>

161
00:08:00,688 --> 00:08:01,647
{\an8}<i>ANNOUNCER:</i>
<i>Not a guarantee.</i>

162
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:02,648
Whoo!

163
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:05,568
-(grunts)
-(grunts)

164
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:08,321
Pardon me, sir.
Forgive my clumsiness.

165
00:08:08,404 --> 00:08:09,572
Not at all.

166
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:13,367
-(chuckling)
-(chuckling)

167
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:16,245
Uh, yes, my name
is Homer Simpson.

168
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,247
And I'd like to order
an Itchy & Scratchy cel.

169
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,249
My credit card?

170
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,461
Uh, do you accept the
"Federal Breast Inspector's" card?

171
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,464
"License to Ogle"?
"Vyza"?

172
00:08:26,547 --> 00:08:28,841
Oh, yes, of course.
That's what I meant, "Visa."

173
00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:29,842
It's these new dentures.

174
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,261
(all chomping food loudly)

175
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,555
Well, I think it's wonderful
that your father

176
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,807
has fallen in
love with my mother.

177
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:38,351
Well, I'm opposed
to the whole thing--

178
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:39,810
Damn opposed!

179
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,188
He's damn opposed.
Damn, damn, damn opposed.

180
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,439
Bart!

181
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:44,732
Homer, what possible
reason could you have

182
00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:47,235
against Grampa
being in love?

183
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:51,072
If he marries your mother, Marge,
we'll be brother and sister!

184
00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:53,574
And then our kids,
they'll be horrible freaks

185
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,411
with pink skin, no overbites
and five fingers on each hand!

186
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,831
(screams)

187
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,668
-(line ringing)
-Hello, Mom?

188
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,838
Fine. You know Abe had
a very nice time with you last Sunday.

189
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,090
Tell her I love her!

190
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:10,800
Grampa, shh!
I know my mother.

191
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,594
If you come on too strong,
she's going to get scared away.

192
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,680
-I love ya.
-What?

193
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,807
Uh, I love ya, mom.

194
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,850
-I love ya. I love ya.
-I love ya. I love ya.

195
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,978
I love ya, mom.
Gotta go.

196
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,854
(doorbell rings)

197
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,484
Yeah, hi. I got a special
delivery for Homer Simpson.

198
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:30,653
That's me!
(groans)

199
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:33,030
Don't write no more
letters to Mr. Sinatra.

200
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:33,990
(doorbell rings)

201
00:09:35,866 --> 00:09:37,994
I've got a special delivery
for Homer Simpson.

202
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:40,413
Uh, that's me.
(groans)

203
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:43,666
Stop stealing golf balls
from the driving range.

204
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:45,876
-(doorbell rings)
-(moans)

205
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,504
MAN: Homer Simpson,
I've got a, uh,

206
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,214
special delivery
for you.

207
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,632
Go away.

208
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,634
If you do not open
the door, Mr. Simpson,

209
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,637
I cannot give you your...
special delivery.

210
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,725
(sighs)

211
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,520
Here's your
special delivery.

212
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:07,273
-Thanks. (groans)
-That's for keepin' me waiting.

213
00:10:09,358 --> 00:10:11,652
Hey, Lis, guess
who's got a genuine

214
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,446
Itchy & Scratchy
animation cel?

215
00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,115
Oh! That is so cool!
That is so exciting!

216
00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,283
That is so--

217
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,661
Crappy.

218
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,580
It looks like part
of Scratchy's arm.

219
00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:26,792
Oh, no. I used Dad's
credit card to buy this?

220
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,463
-Yeesh! How much was it?
-$350.

221
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,090
- Ooh.
-Ha-ha!

222
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,092
-(weakly) Ha, ha, ha.
-Oh, my God.

223
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,887
This boy is having
an out-of-body experience.

224
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,348
This is very...
bad for business.

225
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:42,892
Hot diggity!

226
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:46,520
I'm gonna smooch her like
a mule eating an apple!

227
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,940
(licking, kissing noises)

228
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:52,943
I even bought me some
special novelty dentures.

229
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,862
{\an8}See?

230
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:57,073
Dad, that will never work.

231
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:02,328
If you wanna make your move,
you gotta play it cool.

232
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,497
(jazzy singsong)
Now, what you gotta do,

233
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,916
if you wanna get a kiss,

234
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:11,462
is act real smooth
and make your move like this.

235
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:15,841
-(yawns)
-Oh, I see.

236
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,094
So, if I take
your advice

237
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,554
and make your
patented move,

238
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:25,101
then my chances for love
will slightly improve.

239
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,687
(yawns)

240
00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:29,188
(giggles)

241
00:11:29,271 --> 00:11:30,981
Now what's that rule?

242
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,109
Play it cool.

243
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,279
(doorbell rings)

244
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,989
(screams)

245
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,659
{\an8}(big band music plays)

246
00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,042
Is this cel
worth anything?

247
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,586
(sighs) Let me
show you something.

248
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,673
This-- This is a Snagglepuss
drawn by Hic Heisler.

249
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,299
It is worth something.

250
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,927
This-- This is an arm
drawn by nobody.

251
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,387
It is worth nothing.

252
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,556
Can't you give me
anything for it?

253
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,142
I can give you this telephone.
It is shaped like Mary Worth.

254
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,185
-(groans)
-No groaning in my store.

255
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:13,733
{\an8}("Moonlight Serenade" plays)

256
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,028
Oh, my favorite song.

257
00:12:18,112 --> 00:12:20,448
This is so nice.

258
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:24,034
I can't remember
when I felt this young.

259
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,787
Oh! I really can't.

260
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,834
-Oh.
-MR. BURNS: Say, sport.

261
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,544
Mind if I have
the next dance?

262
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:35,087
Wha-- D'oh! What the--

263
00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,089
Don't sneak up
on a-- Oh, you!

264
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,675
No need for the blown
gasket, Charlie.

265
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,844
I'll have her back
in one piece.

266
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,597
("Sing, Sing, Sing")

267
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:46,724
Hey!

268
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:58,027
(growls) That big ape thinks
he can muscle in

269
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,487
on my girl, does he?

270
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,113
I'll show him.

271
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,033
I'm gonna give him
the frowning of a lifetime.

272
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,034
(grunts)

273
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,964
(Mr. Burns laughing)

274
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,841
-(wheezing)
-(laughs)

275
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,761
I swear, Monty.
You are the devil himself.

276
00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,721
I-- Who told you?

277
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,765
Oh, yes, yes, well.

278
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,141
I'd say you were
an angel, but

279
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:31,936
angels don't
dance like that.

280
00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:33,813
-Oh!
-(laughs)

281
00:13:35,564 --> 00:13:37,441
(grumbles)

282
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,821
(groans)

283
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,744
Good night, Mrs. Bouvier,

284
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:52,039
wherever you are.

285
00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:54,708
(groans)

286
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,091
Mr. Simpson, I represent
the estate of Jimmy Durante.

287
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,051
I have a court order demanding
an immediate halt

288
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:05,970
to this unauthorized
imitation. Boys!

289
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,930
(growling)

290
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:11,183
Well, would it be
all right with you

291
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,602
if I just laid down
in the street and died?

292
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:14,812
(papers rustling)

293
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,313
MAN: Yes, that
would be acceptable.

294
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,904
{\an8}Smithers, guess what
happened to me last night?

295
00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,072
I don't know, sir.

296
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:26,657
You had sex with that
old woman?

297
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,325
She said "no" to me.

298
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,494
Do you know how many
women have said "no" to me?

299
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,706
130-- But only one since
I've become a billionaire.

300
00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:37,001
And she's the one
for me. I'm in love!

301
00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:39,545
-Whoop-dee-do, sir.
-Yes, whoop-dee-do.

302
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,131
Whoop-dee-do to the world!
Whoop-dee-do, Mr. Florist.

303
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,340
Whoop-dee-do,
Mr. Physical trainer.

304
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:44,842
Whoop-dee-do, Mr. President.

305
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,594
I'm happy you've
finally found love.

306
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:49,054
Whoop-dee-do,
tarantula town.

307
00:14:49,138 --> 00:14:50,848
Whoop-dee-do, employees.

308
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:54,101
BURNS: <i>Everyone who's found</i>
<i>true love may leave early today.</i>

309
00:14:54,184 --> 00:14:55,686
(cheering)

310
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:56,687
HOMER:
All right!

311
00:14:56,770 --> 00:14:58,606
(sniffles, sobs)

312
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:02,860
"Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier.
Re: Delineation of romantic intentions."

313
00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:04,778
(scoffs)
Too sappy.

314
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,280
Smithers, come over here
and help me write

315
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:07,781
a mash note to my girlfriend.

316
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,158
Fine.

317
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:13,537
Darling one: Read my words
and hear my heart

318
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:16,040
speak of a love,
soft and undying.

319
00:15:16,123 --> 00:15:18,375
A love that will
be with you always.

320
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:20,377
Sincerely,
yada-yada-yada.

321
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,587
That's marvelous.

322
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,213
How did you think
of that so fast?

323
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,966
I... sent it to you
on your birthday.

324
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,344
(sniffles) Excuse me.
I have something in my eye.

325
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,262
Hmm.

326
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,348
Mom's almost ready
for her date.

327
00:15:32,431 --> 00:15:35,017
She sure seems taken
by this new beau.

328
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,227
I feel so bad
for Grampa.

329
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,398
Dad says this new guy is a repulsive,
obnoxious old billionaire.

330
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,275
So, let's all
be extra nice to him.

331
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:45,736
(doorbell rings)

332
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:47,112
-(screaming)
-Hello.

333
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,989
Why, it's--
It's, uh--

334
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,533
Oh, it's, uh--

335
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:54,078
(whispers)

336
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,996
-Ah.
-(snickers)

337
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,916
Why it's Fred Flintstone
and his lovely wife, Wilma.

338
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,335
Oh, and this must be
little Pebbles.

339
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:03,170
Mind if I come in?
I brought chocolates.

340
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,922
Yabba dabba do!

341
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,759
He's an awful, awful,
awful man.

342
00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:10,928
I guess if he makes Mom happy,
that's all that really matters.

343
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:13,138
That's right, "money."

344
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:16,475
Your "money's" happiness
is all that "moneys."

345
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,353
-(exhales)
-Hmm.

346
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:22,856
Hi. You know, Grandma
really likes it

347
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,733
when her boyfriends
are nice to me.

348
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,945
She especially likes it
when they give me money.

349
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,947
Run along, peewee.
Baby gets nothing.

350
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,824
Very well, you leave me
no choice.

351
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:34,326
This gun
is filled with ketchup.

352
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,871
This one with mustard.
Now give me $350 bucks

353
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,832
or you're gonna be a mess
for your date.

354
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,917
You don't have
the guts.

355
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,839
(growls)

356
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:49,842
(yells) Here.
Take your money. Take it.

357
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:53,053
Ooh! Now, the tables
have turned, haven't they?

358
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,472
GRANDMA:
Monty, I'm ready.

359
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:59,393
-Hmm?
-Ooh.

360
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,523
Oh, why'd she
have to leave me?

361
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:05,774
Hi, Abe.

362
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,068
We heard you was in need
of some cheering up.

363
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,821
{\an8}So we got you
a special cake.

364
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:12,072
{\an8}(woman coughing)

365
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,701
Uh-oh. Better call
the nurse.

366
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,412
Bravissimo, Luigi.

367
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,956
Bring us your
finest bottle of vino.

368
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,750
Hey, you trust Luigi.

369
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,211
He knows what for to make-a
really nice the amore.

370
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:30,174
Monty, I've never been to a more
romantic restaurant.

371
00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,885
LUIGI: Hey, Salvatore,
break out the cheap hooch

372
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:36,263
for Mr. No tip and the dried-up
zombie he's-a captured.

373
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:40,559
Dad, I'm really sorry,
but I charged $350 on your credit card.

374
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:43,395
-What?
-Don't worry. Here's the cash.

375
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,065
Whoo-hoo! $350.

376
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,692
Now, I can buy
70 transcripts of Nightline.

377
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,278
-But, Dad--
-(laughs)

378
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:53,113
Oh, well,
he's happy.

379
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,282
I'm gonna keep this
Mary Worth phone right here.

380
00:17:55,365 --> 00:18:00,162
Her stern, but sensible face will remind
me never to do anything so stupid again.

381
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:02,289
(ringing)

382
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:04,458
<i>MILHOUSE: Hey, Bart,</i>
<i>you wanna go play</i>

383
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:07,002
<i>with that x-ray machine</i>
<i>in the abandoned hospital?</i>

384
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,087
Sure.

385
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,050
Now, my dear. If you
look in your champagne,

386
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,761
I think you'll find
a little surprise.

387
00:18:15,844 --> 00:18:18,931
(slurps, gags)

388
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,975
(laughs nervously)
Not to worry.

389
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,228
I believe there's another one
around here somewhere.

390
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,021
(yells)

391
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,606
Ooh! Yes.

392
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,316
(joints cracking)
My darling,

393
00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:32,152
since my kneecaps are filling
with fluid as we speak,

394
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:35,823
I'll be brief--
Will you marry me?

395
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:39,576
Oh! Mom, you can't marry
Mr. Burns. He's an evil man.

396
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:42,996
Evil, schmevil, Marge.
Monty can provide for me.

397
00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,082
Besides, he's
a great kisser.

398
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,625
Ew! Yuck!

399
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:49,086
Mm, what about
Abe Simpson?

400
00:18:49,169 --> 00:18:51,338
Don't you have
any feelings for him?

401
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:53,006
Oh, he's a dear,

402
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,633
but he's too much
of an old fusspot.

403
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,177
We're all aware
of Grampa's problems,

404
00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,556
but compared to Mr. Burns,
he's Judge freaking Reinhold.

405
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,017
I don't know
who that is.

406
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,645
Oh! Who needs her?

407
00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:09,231
Now I'll have more time
to read things

408
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:11,024
I find on the ground.

409
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:16,780
"la-tex con-do."

410
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,783
Boy, I'd like
to live in one of those!

411
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,330
(groans)

412
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:30,085
{\an8}(chatter)

413
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,880
Hey, Barney, why don't you
fill out the groom's side?

414
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:38,260
-Hey! Down in front!
-Nein!

415
00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:41,555
(organ plays "Wedding March")

416
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,849
Where's Grampa?
Wasn't he invited?

417
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:45,726
{\an8}Yeah, but his
reply envelope

418
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,103
{\an8}just had a check
to the gas company in it.

419
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,234
(both groaning)

420
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,617
(camera shutters clicking)

421
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:06,079
And, so, when Eliphaz came down
from Mount Hebron bearing figs,

422
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:09,291
he offered them
to Moham,

423
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:12,419
who you will remember
is the father of Shecham,

424
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:16,006
and to Hazar, on the occasion
of their matrimony,

425
00:20:16,089 --> 00:20:17,633
much in the same--

426
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,802
We've heard enough about Bliz-Blaz
and Him-Ham already.

427
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,179
Get to the bloody point!

428
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,722
(mutters)

429
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:27,184
Do you, Charles
Montgomery Burns,

430
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:30,437
take this woman to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

431
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,522
-I do.
-Oops.

432
00:20:32,606 --> 00:20:35,567
The ring, you little imbecile,
before I really lose my temper.

433
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,612
-(growls)
-(grunts)

434
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:40,072
Hmm? Hmm?

435
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,324
I know. I know.

436
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:47,204
Ow, ow, ow!

437
00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,498
Do you,
Jacqueline Bouvier,

438
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:53,293
take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

439
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,878
(organ plays
"Moonlight Serenade")

440
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,296
Oh, Monty!

441
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:57,714
My favorite song.
How did--

442
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,175
I specifically requested
no romantic music!

443
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,343
Wha--

444
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,470
Mrs. Bouvier!

445
00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,555
Mrs. Bouvier!

446
00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:06,598
(screams)

447
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,225
(grunts)

448
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,727
Mrs. Bouvier!

449
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:14,398
Honey, are you sure you wanna be
Mrs. Montgomery Burns?

450
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:18,360
Wouldn't you rather be
Mrs. Abraham J. Simpson?

451
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:20,737
-No.
-(gulps)

452
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:23,448
I don't wanna be either.

453
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,909
Hot diggity damn!
That's good enough for me!

454
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,245
(chatter)

455
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:29,162
(organ plays "Wedding March")

456
00:21:30,497 --> 00:21:31,999
(cheering)

457
00:21:35,419 --> 00:21:37,212
(sighs)

458
00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:42,759
(soft rock plays)

459
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,931
Hmm? Turn off
that racket!

460
00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,267
Yeah, fat chance, pops.

461
00:21:50,350 --> 00:21:54,438
<i>♪ Hello, Grampa,</i>
<i>my old friend ♪</i>

462
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:58,150
{\an8}<i>♪ Your busy day</i>
<i>is at an end ♪</i>

463
00:22:00,444 --> 00:22:04,406
{\an8}<i>♪ Your exploits have been</i>
<i>sad and boring ♪</i>

464
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:09,036
{\an8}<i>♪ They tell a tale</i>
<i>that's worth ignoring ♪</i>

465
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,290
{\an8}<i>♪ When you're alone</i>
<i>the words of your story ♪</i>

466
00:22:13,373 --> 00:22:16,585
{\an8}<i>♪ Will echo down</i>
<i>the rest home hall ♪</i>

467
00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:20,380
{\an8}<i>♪ 'Cause no one at all ♪</i>

468
00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:26,136
{\an8}<i>♪ Can stand the sound</i>
<i>of Grampa ♪</i>

469
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:28,805
{\an8}<i>GRAMPA:</i>
<i>I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier</i>

470
00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,641
{\an8}<i>because her raspy voice</i>
<i>reminded me of</i>

471
00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:33,894
{\an8}<i>my old Victrola.</i>

472
00:22:33,977 --> 00:22:36,772
{\an8}<i>Oh, it was a fine machine,</i>

473
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,316
{\an8}<i>with a vulcanized rubber</i>
<i>listening tube</i>

474
00:22:39,399 --> 00:22:41,985
{\an8}<i>which you crammed</i>
<i>in your ear.</i>

475
00:22:42,069 --> 00:22:45,113
{\an8}<i>The tube would go in easier</i>
<i>with some sort of lubricant</i>

476
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:48,450
{\an8}<i>like Linseed oil</i>
<i>or Dr. Shumway's--</i>

477
00:22:48,533 --> 00:22:50,243
{\an8}-Shh!
<i>-I'm sorry.</i>

478
00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:54,956
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.