1 00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:06,464 {\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:07,632 (tires screech) 3 00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:10,635 D'oh! 4 00:00:10,719 --> 00:00:13,096 -(screams) -(tires screech) 5 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,557 (printer whirs, beeps) 6 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:28,653 {\an8}MAN: May I offer my condolences 7 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:30,530 {\an8}on the untimely passing 8 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:32,532 {\an8}of your great Aunt Hortense. 9 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:33,992 {\an8}As her only living heirs 10 00:00:34,075 --> 00:00:37,412 {\an8}you stand to inherit her entire estate. 11 00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,413 {\an8}(crying) 12 00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,457 {\an8}Poor Aunt Hortense! 13 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,458 {\an8}(cries) 14 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:42,459 {\an8}(softly) Whoo-hoo! 15 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:43,793 {\an8}(crying) 16 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,253 {\an8}Whoo-hoo! 17 00:00:45,336 --> 00:00:46,838 {\an8}The only stipulation 18 00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:50,633 {\an8}is that you spend one night in a haunted house. 19 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:52,427 {\an8}Oh. Isn't that somewhat unusual? 20 00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:55,013 {\an8}No. It's a standard clause. 21 00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:58,558 {\an8}Well, luckily, there's no such thing as ghosts. 22 00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:06,399 {\an8}Yes, there's no such thing as ghosts. 23 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,324 {\an8}(all yawning) 24 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:17,952 {\an8}Best night's sleep I ever had. 25 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,037 {\an8}Their tap water 26 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:20,330 {\an8}tasted better than ours. 27 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:21,915 {\an8}Here you go. 28 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:24,250 {\an8}$100 each. 29 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:26,294 {\an8}The rest goes to Ann Landers 30 00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,463 {\an8}as was stipulated in your Aunt's will. 31 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:29,464 Hmm? 32 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,799 Oh, I'm sorry. 33 00:01:30,882 --> 00:01:32,467 I must have continued talking 34 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:34,427 after you left the office. 35 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,346 I do that sometimes. 36 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,556 (diabolical laugh) 37 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,853 Oh, my! 38 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,064 What are you going to spend your money on, kids? 39 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,108 There's a special on tacos down at The Tacomat: 40 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,068 a hundred tacos for a hundred dollars. I'm gonna get that. 41 00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:51,861 I'm going to contribute my money 42 00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,905 to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. 43 00:01:53,988 --> 00:01:55,156 Tacos?! 44 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,075 Public broadcasting?! 45 00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,661 I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that. 46 00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:02,831 You're both coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank. 47 00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:11,381 Boy, I sure could go for 100 tacos right about now. 48 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:13,091 No! 49 00:02:13,174 --> 00:02:15,552 Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance 50 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:17,220 for the Dr. Who marathon. 51 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,100 {\an8}MARGE: You'll feel better knowing 52 00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,476 {\an8}your money's in the hands of professionals. 53 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:24,686 (muffled) Ook Ook. 54 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,604 Are you folks ready to go ape? 55 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,772 Mom? 56 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,732 A professional in an ape mask 57 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,317 is still a professional. 58 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,279 And you'll find that saving for your future 59 00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:36,823 is far more thrilling than any roller coaster. 60 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:40,118 Really? Wow! I should have started a long time ago! 61 00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:42,787 Mm-hmm. Now fill out these forms. 62 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,622 I'm sure you'll find them more exciting 63 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,833 than a weekend with Batman. 64 00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,002 I got their new Thrifty Saver savings account. 65 00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:52,380 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25. 66 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:55,091 So a year from now, I'll have an extra nickel. 67 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,426 I got the account 68 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:57,886 where you get free customized checks. 69 00:02:57,969 --> 00:03:00,221 I chose the Hindenburg flip-book series. 70 00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:01,890 Cool! 71 00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:04,684 Mmm. Checking accounts aren't really for children, Bart. 72 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,603 No, Mom. I can handle it. 73 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,272 Let's see. "Pay to the order of..." 74 00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:12,650 Lisa-- one cent and no cents. 75 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:15,069 And now, the old John Hancock. 76 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,779 There you go. 77 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,114 Thank you. 78 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,074 MILHOUSE: $1 million! 79 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,243 Thanks, Bart! I owe you one. 80 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,703 That's a postdated check remember. 81 00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,330 Don't cash it till the year 10,000. 82 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,873 Okay. 83 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:29,417 (watch ticks) 84 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:35,673 Excellent! 85 00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:38,301 As soon as the check clears, I'll let you go. 86 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:43,806 -Krusty! -Krusty! 87 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,558 That's it. No more autographs. 88 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,893 I gotta go. 89 00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:48,811 They're naming a new sandwich after me 90 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:49,812 at my restaurant. 91 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,314 Oh! 92 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:52,732 That's okay, Bart. You can share mine. 93 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:54,651 Quick-- press against me while 94 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,361 the ink's still wet. 95 00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,196 No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph 96 00:03:58,279 --> 00:03:59,489 the easy way. 97 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:01,199 If he wants these 25 cents 98 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:03,743 he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back. 99 00:04:03,826 --> 00:04:06,037 Then, when my monthly bank statement comes 100 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,873 I'll get the check back complete with autograph. 101 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,083 No fuss, no muss. 102 00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:14,921 That's a good plan, 103 00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:17,131 {\an8}but it won't impress girls like this. 104 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,925 {\an8}-Ew! -Ew! 105 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:21,302 {\an8}(laughing heartily) 106 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,722 Lisa's autograph... 107 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,891 Apu's autograph... 108 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,184 Oh, what do you know? 109 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,936 Jimbo's real name is Corky. 110 00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:31,604 And... 111 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,231 Krusty! 112 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,650 Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"? 113 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,613 Krusty was supposed to sign this. 114 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,031 Take it back and make him sign it. 115 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,199 Ah, no, no. 116 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,909 Stamping the back of a check 117 00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:46,703 is perfectly legal, little boy. 118 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:48,413 Many people do it to save time. 119 00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:50,915 You see, in this case, instead of writing out his name 120 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,750 Krusty has stamped the name 121 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,168 of his Cayman Islands Holding Corporation 122 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:57,088 on the... hmm. 123 00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,589 Ah, excuse me a minute. 124 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:07,765 (chuckles) 125 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,726 Oh, I'm sorry. 126 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,436 I can't divulge information 127 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:15,565 about that customer's secret illegal account. 128 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:18,735 Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer. 129 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,237 Oh, crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret. 130 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,905 Oh, crap! 131 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,908 I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal. 132 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,411 Ah. It's too hot today. 133 00:05:36,961 --> 00:05:38,463 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 134 00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:40,673 I bought this popcorn fair and square! 135 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:43,760 {\an8}Sorry, the bank is... 136 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:44,886 Oh, kid! 137 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:45,928 Gosh, I meant to tell you. 138 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:47,722 Turns out that Krusty 139 00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,682 is one of the biggest tax cheats in history, 140 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,101 and they nailed him-- all thanks to you. 141 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,938 -(gasps) -Some might say you're a hero, kid. 142 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,316 Not me, however. I love Krusty. 143 00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:10,620 Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown... 144 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:12,997 was arrested today for massive tax fraud. 145 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,750 Krusty's years of tax avoision would never have cah-- 146 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,960 Avoision? It's a crime. Look it up. 147 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,921 -...would never have-- -VOICE (in headset): Evasion. 148 00:06:20,004 --> 00:06:24,717 I don't say "evasion." I say "avoision." 149 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,677 ...would never have come to light if not for 150 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,930 {\an8}a crafty, little boy named Bart Simpson. 151 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,348 Krusty's my hero. 152 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:32,350 How could I do this to him? 153 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,394 It is a tragedy for all us kids, 154 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:35,895 but, Bart, you can't beat yourself up. 155 00:06:35,978 --> 00:06:37,855 Yeah. There'll be enough people 156 00:06:37,939 --> 00:06:39,774 to do that for me at recess tomorrow. 157 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,781 Oh, I can't go to jail! 158 00:06:46,864 --> 00:06:48,699 I got a swanky lifestyle. 159 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,576 I'm used to the best. 160 00:06:50,660 --> 00:06:53,788 Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. 161 00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:55,748 We're just going to garnish your salary. 162 00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,458 Garnish my celery? 163 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,460 Please, Krusty, no jokes. 164 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:00,962 Who's joking? 165 00:07:01,045 --> 00:07:03,756 Oy! Oh, I don't know what you're saying. 166 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,883 It all sounds so crazy to me. 167 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,760 It simply means we'll be taking part of your salary 168 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,637 until your debt is repaid. 169 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,056 Say, 75% for 40 years. 170 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:13,558 But I don't plan to live that long. 171 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,309 Better make it 95%. 172 00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:17,645 Ah... oh... oy! 173 00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,522 {\an8}The Internal Revenue Service presents: 174 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,111 (chortling) 175 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,696 Hey, hey, kids! 176 00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,614 Now, that the feds are calling the shots, 177 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:31,451 this show's got to be a lot more cost-effective. 178 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,536 So we had to cut down on the frills 179 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:36,164 like sets, props, costumes and Sideshow Mel. 180 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,583 But that doesn't mean we can't have fun. 181 00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:41,586 For example, I sure wish somebody would give me 182 00:07:41,669 --> 00:07:42,837 a banana cream pie. 183 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,380 Yeah! 184 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,383 Uh... 185 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,427 I guess we can't afford pies right now. 186 00:07:49,510 --> 00:07:50,803 Well, throw something! 187 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:51,971 (screams) 188 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:54,140 Oh, that corner... 189 00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:56,350 (groaning) 190 00:08:02,607 --> 00:08:06,819 Um, I'll have four tax burgers, 191 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:09,906 one I.R.S.-wich, withhold the lettuce 192 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,866 three dependent-sized sodas, 193 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,367 and a fico-ccino. 194 00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:15,161 Fill out Schedule B. 195 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:16,245 You should receive your burgers 196 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,164 in six to eight weeks. 197 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:21,000 (mumbling) Eh, let's see here... 198 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,002 Add Schedule B, divide 53... 199 00:08:23,085 --> 00:08:24,837 take away... 200 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,840 Hey, Marge, what were your gambling losses last year? 201 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,134 MARGE: $700. 202 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:34,764 They took my money. 203 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,224 They wrecked my show. 204 00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,017 They buried a bunch of stinking veterans 205 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,894 in my family plot, 206 00:08:39,977 --> 00:08:42,522 but at least I still got my memories. 207 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,315 Those are locked up safe 208 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:46,901 in my fabulous mansion. 209 00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:50,404 And now, lot number 66, a handmade leather suitcase 210 00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,822 carried by the Krustofsky family 211 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:54,158 upon their arrival at Ellis Island in 1902. 212 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,910 A priceless heirloom 213 00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:58,496 and historic piece of Krustiana. What am I bid? 214 00:08:58,579 --> 00:08:59,497 40 cents. 215 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:00,748 I got 40 cents. 216 00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:02,959 40 cents over there, 40 cents over here. 217 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,044 40 cents over there, 40 cents over here. 218 00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:06,879 Who'll give me 50? Do I hear 50, 50? 219 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:08,631 Sold for 40 cents. 220 00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,424 40 cents? 221 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,344 Ach! My Grampa Zev would turn over in his grave 222 00:09:13,427 --> 00:09:14,971 if it wasn't filled with some veteran. 223 00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:18,683 Lot 67, 32 cartons of pornography. 224 00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:20,685 -Ten cents. -12! 225 00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,103 12 cents to our phone bidder in Japan. 226 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:25,565 -Any advance? -All I brought is a dime. 227 00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,275 I didn't know there would be pornography. 228 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,026 Sold for 12 cents. 229 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,903 Oh, my beloved pornography. 230 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,947 I can't watch this anymore. 231 00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:34,657 I'm going to bed. 232 00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,033 How much for Krusty's bed? 233 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,660 -Half a buck! -Sold! 234 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:38,703 Goodnight, everybody. 235 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:39,870 ALL: Good night, Moe! 236 00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,831 (groaning) 237 00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,751 And now, lot number 2,380, Krusty's private plane, 238 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,044 The I'm On A Rolla Gay. 239 00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:48,796 KRUSTY: But I love that plane. 240 00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,923 I used to fly to Vegas in it with Dean Martin. 241 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,925 One night, he looked out the window, 242 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,845 and the moon hit his eye like a big pizza pie. 243 00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,471 We wrote a song about it, 244 00:09:57,555 --> 00:10:00,683 but it ended up infringing on one he recorded years before. 245 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,685 Hey Selma, that plane would go great 246 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:03,978 with your new suitcase. 247 00:10:04,061 --> 00:10:07,106 Nah, I just bought it to soak my feet in. 248 00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,566 (moaning) 249 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,283 Krusty. Hi. 250 00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,619 Is it okay if I sit down here? 251 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:20,703 Go ahead, kid. 252 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:21,829 Knock yourself out. 253 00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:23,331 I'm sorry for all the trouble 254 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,874 I've caused you, Krusty. 255 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,334 But, you know, my Mom says 256 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,086 God never closes a door without opening a window. 257 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:32,131 No offense, kid, but your Mom's a dingbat. 258 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:33,966 There's no silver lining here. 259 00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,135 I was a big cheese. 260 00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:37,762 A huge cheese! 261 00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:39,639 But now look at me. 262 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:42,016 I got to ride the bus like a schnook! 263 00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,769 I got to live in an apartment like an idiot! 264 00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:47,396 I got to wait in line with nobodies 265 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,066 to buy groceries from a failure! 266 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,943 It doesn't matter how you live or what you did wrong. 267 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,655 As long as you're on TV, people will respect you. 268 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,615 Respect? Bah! 269 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:58,866 What good is respect 270 00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,785 without the moolah to back it up? 271 00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:04,246 Everywhere I go, I see teachers in Ferraris, 272 00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,166 research scientists drinking champagne. 273 00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:09,418 I tried to drink a Coke on the bus 274 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,253 and they took away my pass! 275 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,964 That's no life for a famous clown. 276 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:15,883 Well, if it'll make you feel any better, Krusty, 277 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,510 you can punch me in the face. 278 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,097 Nah, forget it! 279 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,181 Go home, kid. 280 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,313 -(buzzing in distance) -(bell dings) 281 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:30,981 Shiva H. Vishnu! 282 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,858 Where is that noise coming from? 283 00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:37,405 (Krusty bawling) 284 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:40,199 Well, I must say I've had a lovely evening, Agnes. 285 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:41,784 I don't suppose I could come in 286 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:42,785 for a cup of... 287 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:43,953 Seymour! 288 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,037 Mother... (gasps) 289 00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:46,080 Superintendent Chalmers! 290 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:47,623 Skinner! 291 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,166 What I wouldn't give 292 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,502 for something to interrupt this awkward moment. 293 00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:54,004 (Krusty bawling) 294 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,464 That will do nicely. 295 00:11:56,674 --> 00:12:00,845 (bawling continues) 296 00:12:00,928 --> 00:12:02,471 You got to hand it to Krusty. 297 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,265 Yeah, even with all his problems 298 00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:08,060 he's still willing to do something unbelievably dangerous 299 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,812 just to entertain his fans. 300 00:12:09,895 --> 00:12:11,897 -Wow! -Wow! 301 00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,816 Oh, that's my Krusty. 302 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,819 I got a feeling he'll be all right. 303 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,747 Oh, my God! 304 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:28,956 Krusty's shoes! 305 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:30,624 Okay, folks, show's over. 306 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,042 Nothing to see here. Show's... 307 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,252 Oh, my God! 308 00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:35,504 A horrible plane crash! 309 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,965 Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! 310 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:39,675 Come on, crowd around. 311 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,676 Crowd around. Don't be shy. Crowd around. 312 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:47,975 Ladies and gentlemen, Krusty the Clown... 313 00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:48,976 is dead. 314 00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:50,060 (all gasp) 315 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,030 I can't believe Krusty is really gone. 316 00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,531 Don't worry, son. 317 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,742 I'm sure he's up in heaven right now 318 00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:07,870 laughing it up with all the other celebrities. 319 00:13:07,953 --> 00:13:12,208 John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin... 320 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,459 (sighs) 321 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:14,710 I wish I were dead. 322 00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:18,714 We're gathered to mourn the passing 323 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,633 of Herschel Shmoikel Krustofsky 324 00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:22,927 beloved entertainer and dear friend. 325 00:13:23,010 --> 00:13:24,762 Hello, I'm Troy McClure. 326 00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,056 You might remember me from such show business funerals 327 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,475 as "Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye" 328 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:33,062 and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge." 329 00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,856 Now, Krusty's closest friend and sidekick, 330 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,316 Sideshow Mel. 331 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:40,945 I'll miss you, Krusty 332 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:43,906 I, and all the other sideshows... 333 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,699 except Sideshow Bob. 334 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,077 But in the midst of our sorrow 335 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,954 we can take comfort in the fact 336 00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:51,872 that your elevated blood alcohol level 337 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:53,916 probably helped you burn up quicker. 338 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,710 Since you left us no earthly remains, 339 00:13:56,794 --> 00:14:00,506 it is my sad duty to unveil this simple memorial. 340 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,095 Next in our cavalcade of celebrity mourners... 341 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,721 Bob Newhart. 342 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:12,101 (clearing throat) 343 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,563 See, to tell you the truth, um... 344 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:17,815 I was-- I'm just killing time here. 345 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,441 I was waiting for a... 346 00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,026 well, a different-- 347 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,194 different funeral to start. 348 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,737 I'll handle it. 349 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,197 Bob Newhart, everybody! 350 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,866 (applause) 351 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,995 Oh, um... 352 00:14:31,078 --> 00:14:32,830 (coughs) Although, you know, 353 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:34,540 though I-I started my career 354 00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:37,167 several years before, uh, Krusty, 355 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,961 so, you know, I could never 356 00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,755 really learn anything directly from him-- 357 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:43,173 Uh, still... 358 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:46,969 I think in a way, in a very meaningful way, 359 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,012 that I, uh... 360 00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,555 uh... all of us... 361 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:51,849 have, uh, have learned 362 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,017 from him. 363 00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,019 You know, that is, by... 364 00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,563 uh, by being a clown on television for... 365 00:14:57,646 --> 00:15:00,149 for... for so many years 366 00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,568 even, even though 367 00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:04,945 many of us, we-- we didn't-- 368 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:06,822 we didn't watch his show. 369 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,116 -(clearing throat) -(feedback squeals) 370 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,827 Th-thank you. 371 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,245 -(scattered applause) -(sniffles) 372 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,122 Well, that's the funeral, folks. 373 00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:17,041 We'll be sitting Shiva at the Friar's Club 374 00:15:17,124 --> 00:15:18,792 at 7 p.m. and again at 10. 375 00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:21,045 You must be over 18 for the 10. 376 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:22,546 It gets a little blue. 377 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:34,892 And so Herschel Krustofsky is gone, but not forgotten. 378 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,894 Today was the unveiling of the new Krusty stamp. 379 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:38,020 Postal patrons were asked to choose 380 00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,813 between two competing designs: 381 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:42,691 one of Krusty's heartwarming smile 382 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,235 and one of his fiery death. 383 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:48,530 By a nearly two-to-one vote, the smiling Krusty was chosen. 384 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:53,869 (mechanical groaning) 385 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,331 (groaning continues) 386 00:15:57,414 --> 00:16:00,042 Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. 387 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,919 People die all the time. 388 00:16:02,002 --> 00:16:03,796 Just like that. 389 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:07,007 Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. 390 00:16:08,717 --> 00:16:10,886 Well, good night. 391 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:11,929 (switch clicks) 392 00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:18,268 (gasps) 393 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,770 Krusty! 394 00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:21,105 (humming) 395 00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:22,856 Mom! I just saw Krusty! 396 00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,525 Yes, dear, in your mind. 397 00:16:24,608 --> 00:16:26,068 No, on the street. 398 00:16:26,151 --> 00:16:27,569 On the street in your mind. 399 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:28,779 Why won't you believe me? 400 00:16:28,862 --> 00:16:30,698 Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty 401 00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,283 to be alive so badly, you think you see him everywhere. 402 00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:36,912 I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died. 403 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,458 DR. HIBBERT: And these pills will help with the queasiness. 404 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,130 Krusty? 405 00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:47,381 Doctor Hibbert, Who was that man? 406 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,925 Now Bart, telling you would violate 407 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,635 the patient-doctor privilege, 408 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,721 just as if I were to tell you 409 00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:56,640 that Jasper here has five seconds to live. 410 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,058 What'd he say? 411 00:16:58,142 --> 00:16:59,143 He said I'm next. 412 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,022 Am I going crazy? 413 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,649 I'm seeing Krusty everywhere. 414 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,077 Bart, you're seeing Krusty everywhere because you want 415 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,455 to tell him you're sorry for causing his death. 416 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,665 Would it help if I told you you're not responsible for Krusty's death? 417 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:24,126 Yes. Yes, it would. 418 00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:26,795 Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem. 419 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,714 Wait a minute-- all those things I saw. 420 00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,132 There's a connection. 421 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,925 The truck full of nets and buckets... 422 00:17:32,009 --> 00:17:34,053 the queasy guy... the lobsters... 423 00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,721 they all point to one thing. 424 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:36,680 Follow me. 425 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,897 Arr, I've got some customers. 426 00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:46,815 Call me back, Ishmael. 427 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,859 Ahoy there, minnows. 428 00:17:50,944 --> 00:17:53,155 Ahoy, have you seen this man? 429 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:54,531 Arr, that's Handsome Pete. 430 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,784 He dances for nickels. 431 00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:59,119 Pete, ye got some customers. 432 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:02,915 (playing "Sailor's Hornpipe") 433 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,920 No, we're looking for this man, 434 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:08,962 Krusty the Clown. 435 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:12,007 Mmm. Narr, narr, narr. 436 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,801 It's hopeless, Bart. 437 00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,719 We've searched up and down these docks, from pier one 438 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:18,680 to that Pier 1 by pier 17. 439 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,103 Lisa, look. 440 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,146 A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's. 441 00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,940 Rory B. Bellows. 442 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:29,274 Slip 8. Let's go. 443 00:18:30,734 --> 00:18:32,319 (playing "Sailor's Hornpipe") 444 00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:33,946 Not a quarter. 445 00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,949 Darr, he'll be dancing for hours. 446 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:42,746 Are you Rory B. Bellows? 447 00:18:42,830 --> 00:18:44,081 Yes. 448 00:18:44,164 --> 00:18:46,792 How about Krusty the Clown? 449 00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:48,752 Sorry, I don't do impressions. 450 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,546 Well, if you're not Krusty, 451 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:52,172 how come you have the exact same signature as him? 452 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,091 I'm Rory Bellows, I tell you 453 00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:56,969 and I got a lot of corroborating evidence 454 00:18:57,052 --> 00:18:58,679 over... here 455 00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:00,556 by the throttle! 456 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:03,934 (chuckling) 457 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,814 Oh... you know you two could have said something 458 00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,732 instead of letting me make an ass of myself. 459 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,318 Hey, you got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty. 460 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,362 And Krusty's superfluous third nipple. 461 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:18,115 (groaning) 462 00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,617 Can't you see I don't want to be Krusty anymore? 463 00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,452 That's why I faked my death. 464 00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:24,329 But we saw your plane crash. 465 00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,124 Yeah, but I wasn't in it. 466 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,500 Just before I hit the mountain 467 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,127 I jumped out of the plane 468 00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,588 into a carefully placed net. 469 00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,923 (groaning) 470 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,758 So now that we've blown your cover, 471 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:38,135 I guess you gotta come back and do your show again. 472 00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,178 Or kill us... 473 00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:40,345 (nervous giggling) 474 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,139 I won't be coming back, kids. 475 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,974 I got a sweet life here. 476 00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,726 The sea air is clearing my lungs. 477 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,604 The sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, 478 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,856 and most important, I learned 479 00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,025 that I don't need money to be happy. 480 00:19:53,108 --> 00:19:55,485 All that high living just distracted me 481 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,154 from my true calling in life: 482 00:19:57,237 --> 00:20:01,658 salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron. 483 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,828 Sorry kids, there's nothing left for me on dry land anymore. 484 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,247 But Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you 485 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:09,082 to brighten up their afternoons? 486 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,168 Are you gonna turn your back on them? 487 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,252 Yes! 488 00:20:15,964 --> 00:20:17,424 Come on, Lis, 489 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:18,926 Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore. 490 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,552 Let's go worship somebody who has 491 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,095 the guts to be a celebrity. 492 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:24,389 Yeah, Krusty doesn't want to be a clown. 493 00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,476 He's happy just being another blue-collar Bozo. 494 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:28,894 Meh. 495 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,855 Krusty's tired of having phonies around 496 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,190 pretending to be his friends. 497 00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:35,192 I'm sure he'll find plenty of people 498 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:37,194 who'll like him for who he is. 499 00:20:37,277 --> 00:20:39,279 Uh... it could happen. 500 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:41,281 Nah, who needs friends? 501 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,034 The incessant beep of the global positioning system 502 00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:46,578 is all the companionship I need. 503 00:20:46,662 --> 00:20:48,288 -(chuckling) -(beeping) 504 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:49,373 (screams) 505 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,460 Tell me where you are now, you bastard! 506 00:20:53,543 --> 00:20:55,837 All right, I admit it. 507 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:59,091 I miss the phonies, but that's all I miss. 508 00:20:59,174 --> 00:21:01,301 That and Shirley Jones and Marty Ingels' 509 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,928 New Year's Eve party. 510 00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:04,638 What about that great feeling you get 511 00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:06,848 from knowing you're better than regular people?! 512 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:10,185 BART: What about being an illiterate TV clown 513 00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,187 who's still more respected than all the scientists, 514 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:15,440 doctors and educators in the country put together? 515 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,486 Yeah! 516 00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:21,697 I'm not going to let those guys hog all the respect 517 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,365 while I'm out here in some stinking tub. 518 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:28,120 That's just what those eggheads want. 519 00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,371 Well, forget it, Poindexter. 520 00:21:29,454 --> 00:21:31,373 'Cause Krusty's back in town! 521 00:21:31,456 --> 00:21:33,333 (cheering) 522 00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,134 So, Krusty, what are you going to do 523 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,677 about your tax problem? 524 00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,220 Don't sweat it. 525 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:48,140 The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured 526 00:21:48,223 --> 00:21:50,309 for a surprisingly large amount. 527 00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:57,983 (cackling laughter) 528 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,034 {\an8}♪♪ 529 00:22:45,822 --> 00:22:47,199 Shh! 530 00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:53,288 {\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.