1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,589
{\an8}♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:07,799
(tires screech)
3
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:10,719
D'oh!
4
00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:12,345
-Aah!
-(tires screech)
5
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:29,654
{\an8}ANNOUNCER: "Movie For A Rained-Out
Ballgame" now returns to
6
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,240
{\an8}Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure
and the Muppets
7
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:34,117
{\an8}in the 1977 film...
8
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,080
{\an8}O princess fair,
wilst thou grant me
9
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,623
{\an8}thine dainty hoof
in marriage?
10
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,793
{\an8}O Sir Lies-A-Lot,
I will!
11
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,128
{\an8}Mmm.
12
00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:46,421
{\an8}(sexy growl)
13
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,214
{\an8}Unhand the swine, you swain!
14
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,257
{\an8}Come, piggy.
15
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,675
{\an8}Back to Hamelot.
16
00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,510
{\an8}Not now, frog.
17
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:55,388
{\an8}Me and Iron Pants
are just getting acquainted.
18
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:58,224
{\an8}(both grunting)
19
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,726
{\an8}Dad, what's a Muppet?
20
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:01,936
{\an8}Well, it's not quite a mop,
21
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855
{\an8}and it's not quite a puppet,
22
00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:04,939
{\an8}but, man...
23
00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:06,858
{\an8}(laughing)
24
00:01:06,941 --> 00:01:08,610
{\an8}So, to answer your question,
I don't know.
25
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,071
{\an8}BART: Why'd they make
that one Muppet out of leather?
26
00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:13,782
{\an8}That's not a leather Muppet.
That's Troy McClure.
27
00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:17,494
{\an8}Oh, back in the '70s, he was
quite the teen heartthrob.
28
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,705
{\an8}Yeah. Who'd have thought he'd
turn out to be such a weirdo?
29
00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,123
{\an8}What are you talking about?
30
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,125
{\an8}You know--
his bizarre personal life.
31
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:27,587
{\an8}Those weird things they say
he does down at the aquarium.
32
00:01:27,670 --> 00:01:30,131
{\an8}-Why, I heard...
-Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend.
33
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:32,675
{\an8}People don't do that
type of thing with fish.
34
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,636
Troy McClure's
a perfect gentleman
35
00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:37,388
like Bing Crosby or J.F.K.
36
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,141
I wonder where Troy is now?
37
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,150
TROY: Hey, these guys
are all over the road.
38
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,568
-(siren blaring)
-(animal yelping)
39
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:57,158
All right, Captain Rush-Rush.
40
00:01:57,242 --> 00:01:58,785
Out of the car. Ow!
41
00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:01,788
Oh, I'm seeing stars here.
42
00:02:01,871 --> 00:02:03,081
No, just one.
43
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,749
Hi, I'm Troy McClure.
44
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,209
You may remember me
from such films as
45
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,169
The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed
46
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:10,380
and They Came
to Burgle Carnegie Hall.
47
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,340
Uh... 'fraid not.
48
00:02:12,423 --> 00:02:13,591
License, please.
49
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,679
Says here you need
corrective lenses.
50
00:02:17,762 --> 00:02:19,806
Put those glasses on, mister.
51
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:22,225
You wouldn't ask
a handsome man like me
52
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,309
to wear glasses.
53
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,979
It'd be a crime against nature.
54
00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:28,022
(groans)
55
00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:31,526
Gaa! Well, they do kind of
make you look like a nerd.
56
00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:35,029
Tell you what, just go down to the D.M.V.
tomorrow and try to pass that eye test.
57
00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:39,033
I'll tear up this ticket but I'm still
going to have to ask you for a bribe.
58
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,540
Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.
59
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,792
How come no Chippendales dancers
60
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:50,336
ever come in to renew
their licenses?
61
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,796
They carpool.
62
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,131
That's the problem.
63
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:58,428
Hey, I came here
to get this revoked.
64
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,555
Troy McClure?
65
00:03:00,638 --> 00:03:01,890
I thought he disappeared
66
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,516
after that scandal
at the aquarium.
67
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,477
Hey, I thought you said
Troy McClure was dead.
68
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,731
No, what I said was he
sleeps with the fishes.
69
00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:11,941
-You see...
-Uh, Tony, please, no.
70
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,152
I just ate a whole plate
of dingamagoo.
71
00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:18,823
Whoa! Troy McClure!
72
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,997
Oh..! Hello, beautiful.
73
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,375
John Law tells me I might need
to wear these glasses.
74
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:32,754
You? Nonsense.
You're Troy McClure.
75
00:03:32,837 --> 00:03:36,216
I remember you from such
films as Meet Joe Blow
76
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:39,552
and Give My Remains
to Broadway.
77
00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,304
Stars like you
don't need glasses.
78
00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,141
Yech!
79
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,809
Now, Mr. McClure,
80
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,394
would you like to take off
those glasses
81
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:49,896
and read the top line?
82
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:54,108
Uh... "W"
83
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:55,777
seven...
84
00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,528
star, pound...
85
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,821
duh...
86
00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,699
Look, Miss Bouvier.
87
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:04,452
As an actor, I depend on
my remarkable looks.
88
00:04:06,579 --> 00:04:09,165
If you could find it
in your heart to pass me,
89
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,167
I'm sure I could find
some way to repay you.
90
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,961
(gulping)
Mubble.
91
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,213
Say, by buying you dinner?
92
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,219
That took a lot of class.
93
00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:28,893
All these celebrities on
the walls-- I just know
94
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,396
a big star like you
is up there somewhere.
95
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:34,565
Uh, yes, I'm over there.
96
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,401
Selma (grunting):
Hmm...
97
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,819
Hmm?
98
00:04:37,902 --> 00:04:39,862
Hm-mmm.
99
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,573
-Ohm...
-(yowls)
100
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,869
So, working at the D.M.V.
must be very interesting.
101
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:50,248
Well, uh, I think I'm getting
repetitive stress disorder
102
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:52,208
from scratching my butt all day.
103
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,627
(clearing throat)
104
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:57,672
Being a huge movie star
must be good, too.
105
00:04:57,755 --> 00:04:59,465
What are you
working on now?
106
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:01,718
I've been reading
a lot of scripts lately.
107
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,637
You know, it's a lot cheaper
than going to the movies.
108
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,562
Well, thanks for holding up
your end of the bargain.
109
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:13,855
I had a pretty good time.
110
00:05:13,938 --> 00:05:15,023
Yeah, me too.
111
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,399
You need a ride somewhere?
112
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:17,942
Hey, get a load of this.
113
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,527
Troy McClure
and what looks like a date.
114
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,781
Here you go, boys.
115
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,616
A little something
for Page One.
116
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,582
Hey, Homer, isn't this
your sister-in-law
117
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,125
on a date
with Troy McClure?
118
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:35,293
Troy McClure.
119
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:36,919
He's a washed-up movie star.
120
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,380
He could be dating
washed-up supermodels.
121
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:41,049
Well, I don't know.
122
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,051
Maybe those rumors
about his fish fetish
123
00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:44,469
weren't true after all.
124
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,262
Ah, this changes
everything.
125
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,473
I'd pay to see him
in a movie now.
126
00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:49,849
If only that
were possible.
127
00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,355
(phone ringing)
128
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,648
Troy, my man,
it's MacArthur Parker.
129
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,317
MacArthur Parker, the agent?
130
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,069
MacArthur Parker, my agent?
131
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,653
Just checking in, my friend.
132
00:06:02,737 --> 00:06:04,655
So, how's my favorite client?
133
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,491
We haven't spoken
in eight years.
134
00:06:06,574 --> 00:06:09,535
Yes. So, I saw
the papers today, Troy.
135
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,079
Looking good.
136
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:12,497
That wholesome stuff
really helps
137
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,123
when I'm trying
to find you work.
138
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,417
You haven't found me work
in 12 years.
139
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,753
Oh, you...
Uh, jury duty is work.
140
00:06:18,836 --> 00:06:21,089
And, listen,
you keep getting seen in public
141
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,383
with human females,
and I can get you work
142
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,842
in the entertainment industry.
143
00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,389
Hey...
144
00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,311
Hello, Selma Bouvier?
It's Troy McClure.
145
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,021
You may remember me
from such dates
146
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,564
as last night's dinner.
147
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,237
That's right, boys,
Troy's back from the gutter
148
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,656
and he's brought
someone with him.
149
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,366
(theatrical laughter)
150
00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,076
That's too funny.
151
00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:52,662
I can't remember when I've heard
a funnier anecdote.
152
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,539
Okay, now, you tell one.
153
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,707
Well, not much happens to me,
154
00:06:56,791 --> 00:07:00,128
but I once had dinner
with a movie star,
155
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:03,589
and it was the most wonderful
night of my life.
156
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,883
Really?
Who was it, George Segal?
157
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,343
I hear he plays the banjo.
158
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,847
Um, yeah...
159
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,140
(gasping)
160
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:14,642
(crowd murmurs)
161
00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:17,520
Excuse me, I ordered a Zima,
not emphysema.
162
00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:19,730
Please, don't smoke
in our restaurant.
163
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:22,442
We don't serve
contemporary California cuisine
164
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,776
in your lungs.
165
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:29,699
Troy, uh, I'm sorry
I ruined our evening.
166
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,909
I have to go now.
167
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,453
Oh, my God.
168
00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:35,746
(labored breathing)
169
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:40,001
Oh, God, I'm such a fool.
170
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:43,212
Got a light?
171
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,511
(both coughing)
172
00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:52,847
Oh...
173
00:07:54,891 --> 00:07:57,101
Sounds like you're really
falling for him.
174
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,896
What's the matter,
I'm not fun enough for you?
175
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,482
Patty. Go on, Selma,
tell me more.
176
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,735
I don't want to jinx it, Marge,
but this could be it.
177
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,528
He asked me out again
this Friday.
178
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,905
He's taking me
to a special screening
179
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:09,864
of his latest film.
180
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:19,916
You know,
smoke actually smells good
181
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:21,834
when it's coming
out of you.
182
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:22,919
Oh, I'm all out.
183
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:25,505
Here. Try one of my cigars.
184
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:30,384
Mmm.
185
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:36,807
My God, it's like
five cigarettes at once!
186
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:40,520
Oh. My head is swimming.
187
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:41,979
That's not cigars, baby.
188
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,065
That's love.
189
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:45,983
(echoing movie dialogue)
No longer canst I
190
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,152
conceal my love,
my wimpled turtledove.
191
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,987
-Whoa!
-Whoa!
192
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:52,323
O princess fair,
wilst thou grant me
193
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,158
thine dainty hoof in marriage?
194
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:57,578
Oh, Troy, I will!
195
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,334
Mmm, mmm... Whoa.
196
00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:04,585
Just a second, baby.
197
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,380
-Mmm, mmm...
-Mmm, mmm...
198
00:09:11,050 --> 00:09:12,760
Tonight,
'70s leading man Troy McClure
199
00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:15,179
has finally met the woman
of his dreams.
200
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:18,099
We may remem-- A woman! Huh!
201
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,143
Okay. We may remember Troy
from such films
202
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,105
as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud,
and Leper in the Backfield.
203
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:30,695
(chuckling)
With his high-profile romance,
204
00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,154
Troy's managed to shake
the rumors
205
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,864
that have dogged his career,
206
00:09:33,948 --> 00:09:36,158
and with news
of his upcoming wedding,
207
00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,078
rumor has it he's up
for some very choice roles.
208
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:41,122
Looks like you were wrong
when you called him
209
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:42,373
a washed-up deviant,
eh, Lori?
210
00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:43,958
(chuckles)
All right.
211
00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:46,210
SELMA:
Make sure my iguana's okay.
212
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:51,507
Selma, Jub Jub
is fantastic.
213
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,884
He's everywhere
you want to be.
214
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,761
Welcome to your
new home, baby.
215
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,263
It's fantastic!
216
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,768
Garbage collection is Monday.
217
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,395
If you want to throw out a box,
you have to cut it up.
218
00:10:04,478 --> 00:10:05,813
It's so modern...
219
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,315
it's ultramodern.
220
00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,650
Like living in
the not-too-distant future.
221
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,777
Now, you make yourself
at home here.
222
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,488
I'll be sleeping downstairs
in the visitors center.
223
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,324
Oh... okay.
224
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,784
I'll see you in the morning.
And get ready for tennis.
225
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:21,912
It comes on at 10.
(clicks tongue)
226
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,623
(ringing)
227
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,082
Troy, Mac Parker.
228
00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,293
Ever hear of
Planet of the Apes?
229
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:29,587
Uh... the movie or the planet?
230
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,840
The brand-new
multimillion-dollar musical,
231
00:10:32,923 --> 00:10:35,343
and you are starring...
232
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,969
as the human.
233
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,430
It's the part
I was born to play, baby.
234
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,983
Help. The human's
about to escape.
235
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,110
Get your paws off me,
you dirty ape.
236
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:55,821
(gasping)
He can talk.
237
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,074
He can talk, he can talk,
he can talk,
238
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,742
he can talk, he can talk.
239
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:03,079
♪ I can sing! ♪
240
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,122
Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius.
241
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,625
("Rock Me Amadeus"
by Falco playing)
242
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,627
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
243
00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,171
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
244
00:11:12,254 --> 00:11:14,382
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
245
00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:16,175
♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪
246
00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:17,843
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
247
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,095
♪ What's wrong with me? ♪
248
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,346
♪ I think you're crazy ♪
249
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:21,847
♪ Want a second opinion ♪
250
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,099
♪ You're also lazy ♪
251
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,017
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
252
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,436
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
253
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,730
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
254
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,066
♪ Oh, Dr. Zaius ♪
255
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:33,567
♪ Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius ♪
256
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,444
♪ Can I play the piano
anymore? ♪
257
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,154
♪ Of course you can ♪
258
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,698
♪ Well, I
couldn't before... ♪
259
00:11:43,911 --> 00:11:45,830
This play has everything.
260
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:49,208
Oh, I love legitimate theater.
261
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:54,588
♪ I hate every ape I see ♪
262
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:58,175
♪ From chimpan-a
to chimpanzee ♪
263
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:02,263
♪ No, you'll never
make a monkey
264
00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:06,142
♪ Out of me ♪
265
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,562
♪ Oh, my God, I was wrong ♪
266
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:13,315
♪ It was Earth all along ♪
267
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:17,069
♪ You've finally made
a monkey ♪
268
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:20,656
♪ Yes, we finally made
a monkey ♪
269
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,867
♪ Yes, you finally ♪
270
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:26,537
♪ Made a monkey ♪
271
00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:29,874
♪ Out of me ♪
272
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:37,173
I love you, Dr. Zaius.
273
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:41,844
(cheering and applause)
274
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:45,264
Thank you.
It's great to be back.
275
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,224
I just want to say,
I wouldn't be here
276
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,643
without the support
of a very special lady,
277
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,896
my always outrageous
fiancée, Selma.
278
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,481
Take a bow, Sugar Beet.
279
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,983
Oh, well. Thank you.
280
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,735
Down in front!
281
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,115
My good looks paid
for that pool,
282
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,909
and my talent filled it
with water.
283
00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:06,952
Hi, I'm Troy McClure,
your future uncle.
284
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:09,538
Hi. I remember you
from such filmstrips
285
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,958
as Locker Room Towel Fight:
The Blinding of Larry Driscoll.
286
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:16,337
You know, I was one of the first
to speak out against horseplay.
287
00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,756
-Uh-huh.
-Remember when we were kids,
288
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:22,092
we used to dream
about our ideal husbands?
289
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:26,764
Who knew the dream
would come true for one of us?
290
00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:29,558
Oh, come on.
Guess which one?
291
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,144
I know, I know.
It's Selma, right?
292
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:35,231
TROY (slurring words):
Yeah. It's a good idea, Homer,
293
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:38,943
but they've already made some
movies about World War II.
294
00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:40,861
Ah, hell.
295
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,947
Well, what about Dracula?
296
00:13:43,030 --> 00:13:45,825
Homer, I'm really touched
you invited me out on the town.
297
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,619
You're going to be
a four-star brother-in-law.
298
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:51,705
Troy, buddy, I got to know.
299
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,332
What's a great guy like you
300
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,668
want to marry a guy like Selma?
301
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,212
-Come here, Homer.
-Okay.
302
00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:00,214
I'll let you in
on a little secret.
303
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,216
(whispering)
304
00:14:02,299 --> 00:14:03,926
(laughing)
305
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,725
And do you, Selma Bouvier
Terwilliger Bouvier
306
00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,644
take the fabulous
Troy McClure
307
00:14:13,727 --> 00:14:15,312
to be your lawful
wedded husband?
308
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,649
-I already told you, yes.
-If anyone here knows why
309
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,360
this couple should not be wed
in holy matrimony,
310
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:25,698
let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
311
00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:33,205
(humming Rock Part 2 by Gary Glitter to
himself): ♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪
312
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,582
♪ Dah-dah, dah-dah ♪
313
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,666
♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, hey! ♪
314
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:37,042
♪ Dah-dah ♪
315
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,212
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
316
00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:43,674
You may now kiss each other.
317
00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,801
♪♪
318
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,432
This is the best day
of my life.
319
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,809
It's a good day
for me, too, baby.
320
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,227
Now, smile.
321
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,354
We're going to be
on every newsstand
322
00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:58,314
in the country.
323
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,572
Hey, look what
I snagged, Marge--
324
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:09,825
the candy bride and groom
from the wedding cake.
325
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,785
(metallic crunching)
326
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,457
Oh!
327
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:19,293
Mmm... pointy.
328
00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,503
It was a beautiful wedding.
329
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:23,964
I've never seen Selma happier.
330
00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,549
That reminds me.
331
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,052
Troy said something interesting
last night at the bar.
332
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:29,678
Apparently, he doesn't
really love Selma,
333
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,847
and the marriage is just a sham
to help his career.
334
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,474
Well, enough talk.
Let's snuggle.
335
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,477
What? Oh, my God!
336
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,481
HOMER: Marge, could you close
your eyes?
337
00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,775
I'm trying to sleep.
338
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:44,234
There.
339
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,244
This better be important.
It's my wedding night.
340
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:55,663
I'm trying to sleep.
341
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,289
Hey, sleep is for has-beens
my friend.
342
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,875
and you're about to have
a very crowded schedule.
343
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,252
This marriage scam is
paying off big time.
344
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,254
-Phone for you.
-T. McC.
345
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,799
Troy, darling, come to bed.
346
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,968
I want to see
the Troy McClure I remember
347
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:12,513
from such films
as Make-Out King of Montana
348
00:16:12,596 --> 00:16:14,682
and The Electric Gigolo.
349
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,392
(low chuckling)
350
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,268
Yeah, in a minute, darling.
351
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,437
Well, she may be helping
my career
352
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,564
but she's starting
to cramp my style.
353
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,942
Oh, who cares?
The offers are rolling in.
354
00:16:25,025 --> 00:16:26,944
Paramount wants you
for a buddy comedy
355
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:28,612
with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.
356
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:31,865
-Those sick freaks?
-Okay, then get this.
357
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,743
I think they want you
to play McBain's sidekick
358
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,746
in, brace yourself,
the new McBain movie.
359
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,915
McBain's sidekick? Hot damn!
360
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,459
I'm going to Sea World!
361
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:43,752
Selma...
362
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,921
about you and Troy--
363
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,800
we're not sure
he's... all he seems.
364
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:50,843
Marge is right.
365
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:52,386
He's wrong for you.
366
00:16:52,469 --> 00:16:54,638
Better you find out
sooner than later.
367
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,598
Wrong for me? How?
368
00:16:56,682 --> 00:17:00,185
Oh, I get it.
369
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,854
My sisters have come down
370
00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,814
with a case
of the green-eyed gazongas.
371
00:17:03,897 --> 00:17:06,025
I guess
I shouldn't be surprised.
372
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,860
You're stuck
in a menial job
373
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,737
you'll be doing ten
years after you die.
374
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:11,196
And you're
tied down to a man
375
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,407
who'd have to bathe
to be a slob.
376
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,951
Selma, Troy doesn't
love you at all.
377
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,911
He's only using you
378
00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,122
to squelch the rumors
about his bizarre personal life
379
00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,249
and further his career.
380
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:25,461
(grumbles) You don't know
what you're talking about.
381
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:27,629
I have to go now
and see Troy.
382
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:29,882
(door opens, closes)
383
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,633
(tires screech)
384
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:39,767
Is this a sham marriage?
385
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,852
Sure, baby,
is that a problema?
386
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:45,272
You married me just
to help your career?
387
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:46,940
You make it sound so sordid.
388
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,400
Look, don't we have
a good time together?
389
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,110
Yes, but--
390
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,904
Don't you have everything
you ever wanted here--
391
00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,199
money, security, a big,
hot, flat rock for Jub Jub?
392
00:17:55,282 --> 00:17:57,910
But... don't you love me?
393
00:17:57,993 --> 00:18:01,163
Sure, I do, like I love Fresca.
394
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,791
Isn't that enough?
The only difference
395
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:05,793
between our marriage
and anyone else's is,
396
00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,753
we know ours is a sham.
397
00:18:07,836 --> 00:18:08,879
Are you gay?
398
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,840
Gay? I wish.
399
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,009
If I were gay,
there'd be no problem.
400
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,970
No, what I have is
a romantic abnormality--
401
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,556
One so unbelievable
that it must be hidden
402
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,350
from the public at all costs.
403
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,893
-You see--
-Stop.
404
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:25,145
You're asking me to live a lie.
405
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,272
I don't know
if I can do that.
406
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,192
It's remarkably easy.
407
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:34,613
Just smile for the cameras
and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
408
00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:36,615
You'll go to the right parties,
meet the right people.
409
00:18:36,698 --> 00:18:39,827
Sure, you'll be a sham wife,
but you'll be the envy
410
00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:42,079
of every other
sham wife in town.
411
00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,248
So, what do you say, baby?
412
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:50,504
Tell me again
about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.
413
00:18:58,178 --> 00:19:00,514
One day my lady Selma's
going to have a star
414
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:01,849
right next to mine.
415
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:02,975
So, watch out,
416
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:04,977
Laszlo Panaflex.
417
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,937
Yay! Yay! Yay!
418
00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:09,356
Tonight, all Hollywood's
wondering who'll be chosen
419
00:19:09,439 --> 00:19:11,400
to co-star
in the big new McBain picture,
420
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,694
McBain IV-- Fatal Discharge.
421
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,362
(rings)
422
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,864
Oh, you watching?
423
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,282
Mac, you gotta
get me that part.
424
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,450
I will, but you got
to do something for me.
425
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:23,120
Problem is, the big parts these days
are all going to family men.
426
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,122
But I already
got married.
427
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:26,790
Yeah, but for a role like this,
you got to pour it on.
428
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:30,252
You and, uh, wife have
got to have a baby.
429
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,129
A baby, eh?
What do I do?
430
00:19:32,212 --> 00:19:33,922
I'll send you over
a pamphlet.
431
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,049
Listen, you can't buy
that kind of P.R.
432
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,135
But you can get it for nothing
by having a baby,
433
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:39,136
which by the way,
your insurance will cover,
434
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:41,013
except for the deductible,
435
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:42,514
which I'll reimburse you for
if you get the part,
436
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,057
which you will,
if you have a baby.
437
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,684
C'est Troy bien.
438
00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,145
Okay. Now listen.
Let's talk baby names.
439
00:19:48,228 --> 00:19:51,273
You can't use Montana,
Dakota or Florida.
440
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:54,026
-They're taken.
-Mmm. Oregon?
441
00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,861
Oh, Pacific Northwest,
very hot.
442
00:19:57,988 --> 00:19:59,239
Having a child?
443
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,074
That's a big step.
444
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,368
You bet it is.
Think what it'll mean.
445
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:06,079
Not just the McBain movie,
but maybe my own fragrance--
446
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:07,581
Smellin' of Troy.
447
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:11,752
It is probably
my last chance to be a mommy.
448
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,671
-Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?
-You bet.
449
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:17,257
From now on,
she's smoking for two.
450
00:20:21,428 --> 00:20:24,848
Ah, come here, Tiger.
451
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,768
(sexy growl)
452
00:20:27,851 --> 00:20:29,937
Would you like some wine?
453
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,647
Yes.
454
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:38,570
(weak growl)
455
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,240
Uh, why don't you
come over here
456
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:44,326
and make yourself
more comfortable?
457
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:47,246
No. Why don't you
come over here
458
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,081
and make yourself
comfortable?
459
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,707
I'm sorry.
460
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,459
This whole concept's
foreign to me.
461
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,294
Who knew a baby
would be so much work?
462
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,090
Having a baby
isn't supposed to be work.
463
00:20:58,173 --> 00:21:00,259
It's supposed to be
an expression of the feelings
464
00:21:00,342 --> 00:21:03,053
we're supposed to have
for each other.
465
00:21:03,136 --> 00:21:06,348
Oh, like how we built
that snowman together
466
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,975
in that Newport ad?
467
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:11,019
Remember how alive with pleasure
they said we were?
468
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:19,653
Look, I'm sorry.
469
00:21:19,736 --> 00:21:21,780
A loveless marriage
is one thing.
470
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:23,407
We're not hurting anybody.
471
00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,159
But bringing a child
into a loveless family
472
00:21:26,243 --> 00:21:28,245
is something I just can't do.
473
00:21:28,328 --> 00:21:30,455
Oh, great. We'll adopt.
474
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,124
I'll call my agent.
475
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:33,542
He'll find some kid
who wants in on the deal.
476
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:35,127
Good-bye, Troy.
477
00:21:35,210 --> 00:21:37,587
I'll always remember you...
478
00:21:37,671 --> 00:21:40,132
but not from your films.
479
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:50,142
Come on, Jub Jub.
480
00:21:50,225 --> 00:21:51,810
Let's go home,
481
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,438
and I'll microwave you
some nice roaches.
482
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,148
(croaks)
483
00:22:01,778 --> 00:22:04,573
{\an8}In a bold move that
has stunned Hollywood insiders
484
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:07,242
{\an8}newly divorced comeback kid,
Troy McClure
485
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:09,036
{\an8}has turned down
the supporting lead
486
00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:12,205
{\an8}in McBain IV to direct and star
in his own pet project--
487
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:16,209
{\an8}The Contrabulus Fabtraption
of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.
488
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,170
{\an8}Will the gambit pay off?
489
00:22:18,253 --> 00:22:20,839
{\an8}20th Century-Fox
is betting it will.
490
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:27,721
{\an8}♪♪
491
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,487
Shh!
492
00:22:46,406 --> 00:22:49,618
{\an8}CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.