1
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The Simpsons

2
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D'oh!

3
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:50,758
Hey, hey! Hey, hey!
Hey, hey! Hey, hey...

4
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:55,054
So hot. So sticky.

5
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:00,852
Marge?

6
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:02,437
I'm back here.

7
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,654
Ah, the old folks.
It happens every
heat wave.

8
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,198
Okay, people,
out of my freezer!

9
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,285
But we're hot
and elderly!

10
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:20,413
I'm sorry, these
are reserved for the
recently deceased.

11
00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:21,914
Hmm.

12
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:23,708
Don't you go too far.

13
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:31,257
This air conditioning
is better than any
truant officer.

14
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,760
I'm seeing students
I haven't seen in years.

15
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,184
Mrs. K.

16
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,186
Oh, Arthur.

17
00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:57,784
We're wasting more
energy than Ricky
Martin's girlfriend.

18
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,035
Hey-oh!

19
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:15,718
Gentlemen, our city's
sucking down the juice like
my wife at an open bar.

20
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,929
Mr. Burns, can your
plant handle it?

21
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:18,971
No problem.

22
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:21,224
We've siphoned off
extra power from
the orphanage.

23
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,893
Who are they going
to complain to?
Their parents?

24
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,062
But, sir, we're
at full capacity.

25
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,606
One more appliance
could overload the system.

26
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,609
Fear not.
Our town has
dodged disaster,

27
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,903
and I have come out
smelling like
guest-room soap.

28
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,039
You know what will
cool this place down?

29
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,583
A little touch
of winter.

30
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:52,880
Dad, no! We're trying
to conserve energy.

31
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:56,884
Lisa, if we start
conserving, the
environmentalists win!

32
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,519
Jingle bell,
jingle bell,
jingle bell...

33
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:11,941
Jingle bell what?

34
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,276
Dad, it's a blackout.

35
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,069
A blackout?

36
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:18,072
Oh. Every time
Santa and I get together,
it's a disaster.

37
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:22,285
Oh, no, the power's out?
We'll miss Fox's
Celebrity Boxing!

38
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:25,621
I heard tonight
they have Ed Bradley
versus Mister Ed.

39
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,833
It's terrible,
all the traffic
lights are out.

40
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,209
Driving sure
is dangerous.

41
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,544
Yeah, tell me about it.

42
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,213
I got some yuppie jerkoff
headed right for me,

43
00:03:34,298 --> 00:03:36,090
yakking away
on his cell phone.

44
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:39,510
I hear that.
I got some big shot
barreling down on me.

45
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:42,054
Hey! Who are
you talking to?
Your boyfriend?

46
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:45,099
Hey, jackass!
Your voice
sounds familiar!

47
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,608
I don't hear an alarm.
Let's take stuff.

48
00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,026
Whoa!
Isn't that stealing?

49
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,444
No, it's just looting.

50
00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,362
Sweet. Let's go nuts.

51
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,157
(SINGING)
Hot town, summer in the city

52
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,076
Back of my neck
getting dirty and gritty

53
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,412
Mannequins.
You can't buy these!

54
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,915
Oh! Look at all
these tube socks!

55
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,125
But at night
it's a different world

56
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:13,169
Go out and find a girl

57
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,421
Come on, come on
and dance all night

58
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,381
Despite the heat
it'll be all right

59
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:19,467
And, babe,
don't you know it's a pity

60
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:22,595
That the days
can't be like the nights

61
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,972
Oh, crap!

62
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,656
Kent, this city has
exploded in a fireball
of pent-up rage!

63
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:46,118
I think what the viewers
want to know, Arnie, is,
is my house okay?

64
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:49,205
You mean,
is your giant
castle okay, Kent?

65
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,749
Don't hate me
because I bought
at the right time, Arnie.

66
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,794
When's my right time, Kent?
When's my right time?

67
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,011
Oh, no!
They're stealing
the tire fire!

68
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:07,264
Ow! Ow!

69
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:11,227
Finally, some repression.

70
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,899
All right, everyone!
Disperse immediately!

71
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,443
We are prepared
to use force!

72
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,570
What, what?
We're not
prepared, Eddie?

73
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,241
Someone call 911.

74
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,659
Oh, they never come.

75
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,038
Thus ends
the rule of law.

76
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:34,417
Look at those looters
breaking windows,
setting fires!

77
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,336
They're living my dream,
and you won't
let me join them!

78
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:39,463
Please, can I
throw one little...

79
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,548
No.

80
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,008
What if I just burn down a...
No.

81
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,718
Can I at least
incite further...
No.

82
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:47,138
I've caused enough trouble
already by plugging
in that Santa Claus.

83
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:49,348
No more
irresponsible behavior.

84
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:50,474
Can I have a beer?

85
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,101
All right.
But not the imported.

86
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,185
Homer?

87
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,854
You've got to
set limits, Marge.

88
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,147
No beer!

89
00:06:05,323 --> 00:06:08,743
Get your T-shirts here!
"I survived the
Springfield riot!"

90
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:13,205
Remember me as a hero.

91
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,961
The looters stole
me glass eye!

92
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,590
This be a superball.

93
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:28,095
Back in my day,
we had people who
stood up to ruffians.

94
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,847
We called them men.

95
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,516
I agree with
the hideous crone!

96
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,893
Yeah! Hear, hear!

97
00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:34,977
She's ugly!

98
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:39,315
I think I speak for myself,
Comic Book Guy and
Bumblebee Man when I say,

99
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,900
I blame Chief
Clancy Wiggum!

100
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,985
Yeah!
Yeah.

101
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:46,739
You know, it's not just
my fault. You were the ones
doing all the looting.

102
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,116
Oh, sure.
Blame the victims.

103
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,035
Throw some Nikes
at his head.

104
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:52,328
What size?

105
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:56,499
People, rest assured
the police department's
ineptitude shall not stand.

106
00:06:56,708 --> 00:07:00,169
I am announcing the
formation of a
blue-ribbon committee.

107
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,421
A committee?

108
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:04,131
Did he say blue-ribbon?

109
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:06,258
Committees don't get
any better than that.

110
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,676
Man, am I appeased.

111
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:10,638
So, can we keep
the stuff we stole?

112
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:12,264
I think that's implied.

113
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,477
I don't care
what they say.

114
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:20,022
I won't feel safe
in this town until
we have better police.

115
00:07:20,565 --> 00:07:24,151
Yeah. Wiggum
couldn't catch cooties at
Milhouse's birthday party.

116
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,821
Dad...

117
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,532
Oh! Seriously,
everyone says
your parties rock.

118
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,367
Homer, this is
all your fault.

119
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,577
If you hadn't plugged
in your dancing Santa,

120
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,287
none of this would
have happened.

121
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:37,540
I admit it.
I did screw up.

122
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:40,960
But I won't feel guilty
until I can put a
human face on this.

123
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:42,503
Mom! Dad!

124
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:45,005
Someone stole
my Malibu Stacy
collection!

125
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,550
Marge,
doesn't Lisa have
a human face?

126
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,552
Yes, and she's crying.

127
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,724
That's it!
Nobody messes
with my little girl!

128
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,393
I'm going to find
those dolls!

129
00:07:58,436 --> 00:07:59,979
Are you gonna
call the police?

130
00:08:00,063 --> 00:08:01,647
Oh! Forget it!

131
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:07,069
They couldn't catch
a cold with a
cold-catching thing.

132
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:10,030
See, when you
don't use Milhouse,
it's hard.

133
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,032
I love this kid.

134
00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:17,329
Yes. Interesting. Okay.

135
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:21,000
All right, I've come up
with a composite sketch
of my prime suspect.

136
00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:22,084
Behold!

137
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,502
Dad, that's Bart.

138
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,254
Exactly.

139
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:29,508
Look at him over there,
eating that apple.

140
00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:31,969
What's he planning?
What?

141
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,013
Maybe we should
look for clues.

142
00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:35,139
You're right.

143
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,101
What's this? A cap!

144
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,105
From The Wooly Bully.

145
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:47,443
Do you sell hats?
Yeah.

146
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,196
To people? People with heads?
Maybe. Sometimes.

147
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,406
Dude, I need a new cap.

148
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:57,453
Ah-ha!
Did you steal dolls
from my daughter?

149
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,041
I think they demean women!

150
00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:05,502
Well, think again, son.
You're going to juvie.

151
00:09:05,587 --> 00:09:07,671
But I just got
out of juvie.

152
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,132
Good! 'Cause
I need directions.

153
00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,640
Well, you'll be
happy to know
Malibu Stacy's fine.

154
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,767
I really appreciate
what you did, Dad.

155
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,143
Aw.

156
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,897
You said you'd do
something and you
followed through on it.

157
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,900
Hey, you know,
stopping criminals is fun.

158
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,486
I felt like a big man
pushing that kid around!

159
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,574
Yo, empty the
register, dude.

160
00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,201
Okay, okay,
you're the boss.

161
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,913
Silent alarm activated!

162
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,581
Oh! That's it!

163
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:48,754
No cops in sight.
If I'm gonna save that clerk,

164
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:51,507
I'm gonna have
to take the law into
my own hands again.

165
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,011
Cheese!

166
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,972
That's muy picante!

167
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,017
Homer, you are so brave.

168
00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,436
If anyone deserves
to take a penny,
it is you.

169
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,857
Well... Well, no.

170
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,069
Come on, come on,
there's only one in there.

171
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,697
You know,
I've had a lot of jobs.

172
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:19,159
Boxer, mascot, astronaut,
imitation Krusty,
baby-proofer, trucker,

173
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:22,955
hippie, plow driver, food
critic, conceptual artist,
grease salesman, carny,

174
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,250
mayor, grifter,
bodyguard for the mayor,
country-western manager,

175
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,670
garbage commissioner,
mountain climber, farmer,
inventor, Smithers, Poochie,

176
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:33,090
celebrity assistant, power
plant worker, fortune
cookie writer, beer baron,

177
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,175
Kwik-E-Mart clerk,
homophobe
and missionary.

178
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:39,138
But protecting Springfield,
that gives me the
best feeling of all.

179
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:43,475
If you like protecting people,
you can make that your job.

180
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,186
You know, start
a security company.

181
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,775
Finally, a way to combine
my love of helping people

182
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,861
with my love of
hurting people!

183
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:59,783
Fellas, I'm starting
my own private police force.
Will you join me?

184
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,036
Well, who would
my partner be?

185
00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:03,203
How about Lenny?

186
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:05,664
Him? No way!

187
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,375
You'll do as I say,
or I'll have your badges!

188
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,711
Once I make
and give you
your badges.

189
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,673
Flanders? I was
able to find your
missing leaf-blower,

190
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,175
belt-sander and
morning newspapers.

191
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,927
Well, nice work,
Inspector Find-It!

192
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,346
Did you catch the thief?

193
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,222
Who said
it was a he?

194
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,349
Well, I sure didn't.

195
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,142
Who said you did?
Nobody.

196
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,102
Wrong answer! Let's go!

197
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,605
Okely-dokely.
You're pushing your luck, pal.

198
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,732
Here's my commercial!

199
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,614
A monster!

200
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:43,077
Is this you?
If it is, don't dial 911.

201
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:49,375
Simply dial
636-555-3472.

202
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,837
Help me, SpringShield!

203
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,800
Have no fear,
SpringShield's present!

204
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,394
Thank you, SpringShield!

205
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:09,686
Friend?

206
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:13,982
The only friend
you need is
SpringShield.

207
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:17,319
Monster put in wallet.

208
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,906
That commercial
is very effective.

209
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:23,909
You know,
the old lady's apartment
was actually Lenny's.

210
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,370
We just used
a different duvet cover.

211
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,205
Well, they're
both lovely.

212
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:37,089
Hey, Officer Homer,
how'd you get
so big and strong?

213
00:12:37,173 --> 00:12:39,007
Green vegetables
and homework.

214
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,342
Oh, shucks!

215
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,430
Hey-a, Officer Homer.
You look-a hungry.

216
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,141
I shine-a you up
a nice big pizza.

217
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,979
Wow! Look at Dad.
People really respect him.

218
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,648
Hold your heads
up high, kids.

219
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,360
I didn't know my chin
went that far up.

220
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,823
Oh, yeah,
that's the pride.

221
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:06,785
Homie, to honor
Springfield's newest hero,

222
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,662
I made you
your favorite dinner.

223
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:11,206
All three courses
are dessert.

224
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,458
Even dessert?

225
00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:15,502
Dessert is three desserts.

226
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:19,131
Mr. Mayor, you've
been unflinching in your
support of Chief Wiggum.

227
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,134
Yes, I still believe
in our duly appointed
police force.

228
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:27,014
Behind these doors are the
finest cops ever to wriggle
into size-46 pants.

229
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:28,098
Wiggum?

230
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:34,104
Am I getting warmer?

231
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,356
Clancy,
you're a disgrace!

232
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:38,400
And in my blind rage,

233
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,445
I hereby turn over
all this town's
police duties

234
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,239
to Homer Simpson
and SpringShield!

235
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,700
Woo-hoo!
I'm Chief of Police!

236
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:48,076
Police? Uh-oh.

237
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,753
Oh, wait. It was
better the other way.

238
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:08,347
Now that I am the law,
I'm gonna make a lot
of changes around here.

239
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:12,768
First, I'm gonna cut
overhead by freeing Otis,
the lovable town drunk.

240
00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:19,274
You can let me go,
but I'll just keep exposing
myself at the mall.

241
00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:21,318
What a character.

242
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:24,696
Cool! A lie detector!

243
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:27,241
Lisa is a dork.
Lisa is a dork.

244
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:28,867
Dad, make him stop!

245
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,120
Well, according to this,
he's telling the truth.

246
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,379
Hurry up, boys.

247
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:43,840
We've got to get
these toy poodles
to the pet shop.

248
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,554
All right, Fat Tony!
Your little game is over.

249
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:49,846
Hey, how'd you find us?

250
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,974
One of these ferrets
is wearing a wire.

251
00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,728
You're not a pet
and you're not a friend.

252
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,565
You're nothing to me.

253
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,776
With this latest arrest,
Springfield is
now free of crime.

254
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,861
Although overrun
with ferrets.

255
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:08,365
Happy days, people.
Truly happy days.

256
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,076
Daddy, how come
you're not at work?

257
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,244
I don't know.

258
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:13,787
How come you're
not at school?

259
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:16,331
My teacher says
she's tired of trying.

260
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,710
Yeah, well, so am I,
Ralphie. So am I.

261
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,421
It's Bill and Marty
on the line right now

262
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,840
with Springfield's
very own Fat Tony.

263
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:27,342
I wish to announce
that my associates and I

264
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,011
will gun down
Homer Simpson

265
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,055
if he has not left
town by noon tomorrow.

266
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,601
Wow,
that's quite a threat!

267
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,269
Do you have
a song request?

268
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,854
Radar Love.

269
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,648
If that thug thinks
he can run me out of town...

270
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,483
Oh, man, I love this song!

271
00:15:43,568 --> 00:15:46,111
I've been drivin'
all night and I've got sweat
on the wheel

272
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,699
There's a voice in my head
that drives my heel

273
00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:55,412
It's my baby callin'
on the telephone

274
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:59,541
I got some pizza and
I'm bringing it home

275
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,172
You all know me.

276
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,841
I've kept the streets safe
for you and your children.

277
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,385
I've tricked or treated
at many of your houses.

278
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,471
Last year,
I was Jar Jar Binks.

279
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,723
Now, who will stand
and fight with me?

280
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:18,602
I'm with you, Homer.

281
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,145
Shut up, Flanders.
Anyone else?

282
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,730
What about you,
Dr. Hibbert?

283
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:25,859
Oh! Well, I'd love
to help you, Homer,

284
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:28,278
but I have too
darn much to live for.

285
00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,155
I just discovered
Thai food.

286
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,824
I'd help you,
but I have yet
to kiss a human girl.

287
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:37,579
And I've got a TiVo
full of unwatched
Dharma and Gregs.

288
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:39,331
Sorry, Homer.

289
00:16:39,415 --> 00:16:42,125
I'm a coward now,
like all recovering
alcoholics.

290
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,920
After everything I did,
you're going to abandon me?

291
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,133
Homie, please,
why don't you
just leave town?

292
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:53,470
What? And let them
come after you
and the kids?

293
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,930
We could come with you.

294
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,891
In one car?
With no air conditioning?

295
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,143
And the little poop machine
going every 20 minutes?

296
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:09,861
I need you guys to help me!
Why'd you lock yourselves in?

297
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,988
Hey, why does
anyone do anything?

298
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,657
The point is,
what's done is done.

299
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,330
My Jersey muscle.
It's so good to see you.

300
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:23,041
Did you have a nice flight,
Johnny Tightlips?

301
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:24,334
I ain't sayin' nothin'.

302
00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:25,585
I understand.

303
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:26,920
How is your mother?

304
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,214
Who says I have a mother?

305
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,967
Very well.
Let's do this thing.

306
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,890
(SINGING)
You woke up this morning

307
00:17:38,975 --> 00:17:41,059
Got yourself a gun

308
00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:46,273
Mama always said
you'd be The Chosen One

309
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:49,025
She said,
"You're one in a million

310
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:51,737
"You got to burn to shine"

311
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:54,364
But you were born
under a bad sign

312
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:57,409
With a blue moon in your eyes

313
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,245
And you woke up this morning

314
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:03,165
And all that love had gone

315
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:07,794
Your papa never told you
about right and wrong

316
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:11,006
But you're looking good, baby

317
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,091
I believe you're feeling fine

318
00:18:13,176 --> 00:18:14,259
Shame about it

319
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:18,263
Born under a bad sign
With a blue moon
in your eyes

320
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,473
So, sing it now

321
00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,600
Woke up this morning

322
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,143
You got a blue moon

323
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,187
Got a blue moon in your eyes

324
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,732
Is your husband at home?

325
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:31,735
Fat Tony, how
can you do this?

326
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:34,571
Sorry, but this
is the business
we've chosen.

327
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:39,075
But you're just perpetuating
a negative Italian-American
stereotype.

328
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,204
I mean, you could
be a pizza man,

329
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:46,082
organ grinder,
leaning-tower maker,

330
00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:49,294
and did I say
pizza man?

331
00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:52,672
You are listing
my broken dreams.

332
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,800
I don't get it.

333
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,261
I finally did a job
where I wasn't lazy,
stupid, or corrupt

334
00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,638
and now I'm going
to get killed for it.

335
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,405
Any last words,
Simpson?

336
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,616
Yeah. You can kill me,

337
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,619
but someone
will take my place.
And if you kill him,

338
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,538
someone will
take his place.

339
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:27,207
And that's pretty
much the end of it.

340
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:28,708
The town will be yours.

341
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,418
All right, let's do it!

342
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,628
Dibs on the crotch.

343
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:32,712
Oh!

344
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,309
He's got backup!

345
00:19:46,394 --> 00:19:48,311
Somebody does care!

346
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,815
Johnny Tightlips,
can you see the shooter?

347
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,692
I see a lot of things.

348
00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:56,069
You know, you could be
a little more helpful.

349
00:20:00,283 --> 00:20:02,909
Oh! Homie, I'm so
glad you're alive!

350
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:08,206
Yeah, but this town
doesn't deserve me.

351
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:11,459
I'm giving this badge
to the next guy I see.

352
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,963
That's funny. Because
this is how I got
the job the first time.

353
00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,466
I'm so glad this
all worked out.

354
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,844
Thanks for saving
my husband, Chief.

355
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,137
Hey, I didn't
shoot anybody.

356
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,097
They took my gun,
they took my badge.

357
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:27,559
Hell, they would've taken
my squad car if I hadn't
hid it under some hay.

358
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:29,895
Well, then, who shot
all the gangsters?

359
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,938
I must have
a guardian angel.

360
00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:33,315
With a rifle.

361
00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:39,237
Time to check in
on our little sweetie pie.

362
00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:41,907
Oh. She's taking a nap.

363
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:47,203
Yeah, probably
dreaming about the time
she shot Mr. Burns.

364
00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:50,332
She's just
like Clark Kent.

365
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:52,083
When there's
lots of excitement,

366
00:20:52,168 --> 00:20:55,837
she's nowhere to be found.
Nighty-night, sweetie.

367
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:02,010
(SINGING)
You woke up this morning

368
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:04,638
Got yourself a gun

369
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:52,811
ENGLISH - US - PSDH