1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,256
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,427
(theme music playing)
3
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:18,852
(bell rings)
4
00:00:23,648 --> 00:00:25,275
(whistle blows)
5
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:26,359
(clinks)
6
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,072
(beeps)
7
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,662
(playing the blues)
8
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,874
(jazzy solo)
9
00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:48,965
(clinks)
10
00:00:58,892 --> 00:00:59,893
(honking horn)
11
00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:02,187
(tires screeching)
12
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,024
D'oh!
(screams)
13
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:11,863
{\an8}(groans, gasps)
14
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,292
{\an8}(clears throat)
I hope you all are enjoying
15
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:25,752
{\an8}your ride to and tour
16
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,754
{\an8}of the Springfield Shopper newspaper
17
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:29,672
{\an8}Groundskeeper Willie
and I will stay behind
18
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,549
{\an8}to remove
all traces of asbestos
19
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,676
{\an8}and the word "evolution"
from our school.
20
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,845
{\an8}Next stop, Margaritaville! Uh-
21
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,931
{\an8}-Oh, they're still here.
-Yes.
22
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,141
{\an8}Now I'd like to ask each child
to pair up with
23
00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:42,018
{\an8}a buddy so no one gets lost.
24
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,770
{\an8}Come to think of it,
I haven't seen Uter
25
00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,146
{\an8}since the last field trip.
26
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,356
{\an8}(chuckling) Uter?
27
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:47,607
{\an8}I don't remember any Uter.
28
00:01:47,690 --> 00:01:50,026
{\an8}(chuckling)
Silly name. Uter.
29
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,112
{\an8}Dad, it's great that
you volunteered to drive.
30
00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:53,780
{\an8}But how did you
get out of work?
31
00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:56,908
{\an8}Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy's got it covered.
32
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,369
{\an8}(Homer on tape recorder)
♪ I work hard for the money ♪
33
00:01:59,452 --> 00:02:01,412
{\an8}♪ So hard for the money ♪
34
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,123
{\an8}♪ Oh, I something,
something money ♪
35
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,500
{\an8}♪ Come on
give me lots of honey ♪
36
00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:07,752
{\an8}Now, there's an employee, Smithers.
37
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:10,630
{\an8}A smile on his lips
and a song in his heart.
38
00:02:10,713 --> 00:02:11,714
{\an8}Promote him.
39
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:15,135
{\an8}(singing continues, warbled)
40
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:16,219
{\an8}Turn tape over!
41
00:02:20,723 --> 00:02:23,226
{\an8}Hey, I know
how we can have some fun.
42
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,437
{\an8}I spy with my little eye...
43
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:29,315
{\an8}something beginning with "D."
44
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:31,484
{\an8}-Dingus! (grunts)
-(groans)
45
00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:34,320
{\an8}God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
46
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:35,697
{\an8}I'm no hero.
47
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:37,574
{\an8}I just like to hit people
in the head.
48
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,912
{\an8}-(tires screeching)
-(car horn honks)
49
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,122
{\an8}Hey, you (bleep)!
50
00:02:44,205 --> 00:02:45,331
{\an8}You cut me off!.
51
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,292
{\an8}Oh, yeah! (bleep) you!
52
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,170
{\an8}-(car horn honks)
-Dad! That's an ambulance!
53
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,462
{\an8}Oh, right!
54
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,047
{\an8}-(horn honks)
-(bleep) ambulance!
55
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:56,759
{\an8}Think you're so big
with your (bleep) siren
56
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:59,179
{\an8}-and your letters on backwards!
-(engine revs)
57
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:04,350
{\an8}Here we are, kids. The zoo.
58
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,602
{\an8}Well, that's great, Dad.
59
00:03:05,685 --> 00:03:08,438
{\an8}Except you were supposed
to drive us to the newspaper.
60
00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:09,564
(Homer echoing) D'oh!
61
00:03:09,647 --> 00:03:11,065
(trumpeting)
62
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,567
(bellows)
63
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,447
Welcome
to the Springfield Shopper,
64
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:19,532
established in 1883.
65
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,702
The newspaper was founded
by Johnny Newspaperseed,
66
00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,078
a 14-year-old boy
67
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,748
who roamed America
founding newspapers.
68
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:29,584
If he's so smart,
how come he's dead?
69
00:03:30,335 --> 00:03:32,128
Over the years,
the shopper merged
70
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,380
with the Springfield Times,
Post, Globe, Herald,
71
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,132
Jewish News
and Hot Sex Weekly
72
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,635
to become Springfield's
number-one newspaper.
73
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,181
Wow! A bustling
metropolitan newsroom
74
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:45,642
funneling scoops
from all over the globe.
75
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,185
Hi! Are you interested
76
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,895
in a subscription
to the Shopper?
77
00:03:48,978 --> 00:03:50,730
Low introductory rates!
78
00:03:50,813 --> 00:03:52,273
No, please you gotta help ol' Gil.
79
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,068
What's it gonna take
to keep you on the phone?
80
00:03:55,151 --> 00:03:57,528
Dance for you?
But you wouldn't even see it.
81
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,155
Yeah. All right.
(chuckles)
82
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:02,867
I'm dancin'!
(humming)
83
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,620
And this is our
comic strip department.
84
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,580
Who here reads Mary Worth?
85
00:04:08,873 --> 00:04:09,874
Let's move on.
86
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,088
This is where we store
Ann Landers and Dear Abby
87
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,423
for their 23 hours
of daily sleep.
88
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,261
My advice is to free us
or let us die!
89
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,721
Check it out, Dad.
You can print out the headline
90
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:24,973
from the day you were born.
91
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,517
Ooh! Pointless nostalgia!
92
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:33,147
I'd sure hate to be him.
(laughs, groans)
93
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,191
And to protect Mother Earth,
94
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,820
each copy contains a certain
percentage of recycled paper.
95
00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:40,571
And what percent is that?
96
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,825
Zero! Zero's a percent!
97
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,455
Hey, I smell cake.
Cake that says--
98
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:52,041
(sniffs) "farewell" and--
99
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,210
(sniffs, gasps) ..."best wishes!"
100
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,754
Your old man
has an awesome nose.
101
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:59,215
Oh, that's nothing.
He can hear pudding.
102
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:03,720
So, Mimi, this little shindig
is our way of saying farewell
103
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,264
to our favorite food critic.
104
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:10,310
What can I say except thanks
for the predictable champagne,
105
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,562
pizza that's hardly numero uno
106
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,439
and ice-cream cake
which reminds us,
107
00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:17,900
why make 31 flavors when
you can't get vanilla right?
108
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,403
I wouldn't want
to be married to her.
109
00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:21,654
I mean, again.
110
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:24,574
(Homer chomps)
111
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,452
Who are you, and why are you
ruining my retirement party?
112
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:31,497
I'll have you know,
I wandered off from the tour.
113
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:35,543
Well, at least
you like the food.
114
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,045
Oh, I like food, all right.
115
00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:40,173
(singing)
♪ I like pizza, I like bagels ♪
116
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,800
♪ I like hot dogs
with mustard and beer ♪
117
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:44,135
I get the picture.
118
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,511
♪ I'll eat eggplant ♪
119
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:47,764
♪ I could even eat
a baby deer ♪
120
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:49,682
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la la-la ♪
121
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,351
♪ Who's that baby deer
on the lawn there ♪
122
00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:53,186
-Enough already!
-Sorry.
123
00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,645
Hey, listen.
124
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,230
I just had a thought.
125
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,149
We're looking
for a new food critic,
126
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:01,944
someone who doesn't immediately
pooh-pooh everything he eats.
127
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:03,738
No, it usually
takes a few hours.
128
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,948
Uh, look...
129
00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,242
I'd like to give you a tryout.
130
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,870
Write a 500-word sample review.
131
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:14,415
If it passes muster,
we'll put you on staff.
132
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,583
Thanks for the chance.
133
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:18,753
You won't never regret this,
Mr. Editing Guy.
134
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,881
You know, Homie,
the "e" doesn't work
135
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,383
on that typewriter.
136
00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,760
We don't need no stinkin' "e."
137
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,471
"Restaurant review." No.
138
00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,473
"Eatery evaluation." No.
139
00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:33,267
(gasps)
"Food box - Go or no go,
140
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,186
by Homer." No.
141
00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:37,647
Earl-- no! Bill Simpson!
142
00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,611
(laughs)
143
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,825
Well, what do you think?
144
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,743
This is a joke, right?
145
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,370
I mean,
this is the stupidest thing
146
00:06:52,453 --> 00:06:53,454
I've ever read.
147
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:54,956
What's wrong with it?
148
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,541
Well, you keep using words
149
00:06:56,624 --> 00:06:59,669
like "pasghetti"
and "momatoes."
150
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:03,172
You make numerous
threatening references to the U.N.
151
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:07,009
And at the end, you repeat
the words "screw Flanders"
152
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,011
over and over again.
153
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:12,306
Oh, it's so hard
to get to 500 words.
154
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,767
Oh, look, Homer, I'm sorry.
155
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:17,645
No! You're right! It's a joke!
(chuckles)
156
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:20,523
Everyone laugh
at the funny joke! Ha-ha!
157
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,942
I'll be right back
with the real review.
158
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,277
(door slams)
159
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,862
(Homer whimpering)
160
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:29,657
Still not clean.
Stink of failure still on me.
161
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:30,741
(knocking)
162
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,203
LISA: Dad, I'm sorry the editor
didn't like your review.
163
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,830
I'll help you write
a new review
164
00:07:35,913 --> 00:07:38,249
if you'll just let me
use the bathroom!
165
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:41,544
Still not clean.
Still not clean!
166
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:45,715
Okay, what restaurant
did we review?
167
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:48,009
{\an8}Well, we went
to Pate Labelle last week.
168
00:07:48,092 --> 00:07:49,886
-How about that?
-Great. Now let me think.
169
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,637
The food was--
170
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,765
Mmm-- not undelicious.
171
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:56,517
The food is delicious.
172
00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:57,894
(gasps) That's brilliant!
173
00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:01,189
Then I had the sweet,
sweet chocolate mousse.
174
00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:03,524
Really,
the only word for it is...
175
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,942
(groaning)
176
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,195
Hmm. What's the English
equivalent for...
177
00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:09,655
(groaning)
178
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:13,075
I'd say "transcendent."
179
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,411
How about
"groin-grabbingly transcendent"?
180
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,829
Er, I don't think so.
181
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,372
We make a good team.
182
00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:20,416
A groin-grabbingly good team.
183
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,418
LISA:
Four hundred and ninety seven,
184
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,378
four hundred
and ninety eight words.
185
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:27,590
-Hmph.
-How about "screw Flanders"?
186
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:28,758
Bon appetit.
187
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:29,926
Er, both's good.
188
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:35,181
Not bad! Not bad at all!
189
00:08:35,264 --> 00:08:38,184
We're gonna run
this on page one...
190
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,061
of section H2.
191
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:42,104
Whoo-hoo! Stop the presses!
192
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,441
-(gasps)
-(alarms blaring)
193
00:08:48,277 --> 00:08:50,738
Okay, start the presses!
194
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:53,783
That takes four hours.
195
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,326
Whatever. I'll be at Moe's.
196
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,999
This is so exciting, Homie!
Your first restaurant review!
197
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,876
Marge. Shh!
198
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,712
It's important that no one
knows that I'm a food critic.
199
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,798
Hear that, Maude?
Homer's a critic!
200
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,716
Homer's a critic. Pass it on.
201
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,426
Did you hear? Homer's a critic.
202
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,136
Quit changing the subject!
203
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,346
Where is Uter?
204
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,640
Oh! We just want closure.
205
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,433
Arr! Here you are.
206
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,519
One critic's special.
207
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,813
Er, if anything appears
to be movin',
208
00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,023
that's just freshness. Arr.
209
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:27,441
Can you believe it, Marge?
210
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:28,818
This job is the greatest.
211
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:30,486
They're paying me to eat!
212
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,988
Yeah. Now if you could
just get somebody
213
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,364
to pay you
for scratching your butt,
214
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:34,574
we'll be on easy street.
215
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,909
-Why, you little--
-(groaning)
216
00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,622
Wow! My first published
article, whew,
217
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,250
although someone else's
name is on it.
218
00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,919
He-he. Welcome
to the humiliating world
219
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,462
of professional writing.
220
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,631
But this is only the beginning.
221
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,930
Welcome to Planet Springfield!
222
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,891
The restaurant owned
by me, Chuck Norris,
223
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,854
Johnny Carson's third wife
and the Russian mafia.
224
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:06,731
Each Planet Springfield
225
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:09,609
is filled with priceless
Hollywood gewgaws.
226
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,360
(gasps) There's the coffee mug
227
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,612
from Heartbeeps!
228
00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:13,779
And there's the cane
229
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,489
from Citizen Kane!
230
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:18,993
Wait a minute.
There was no cane
231
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:20,786
in Citizen Kane .
232
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,413
And there's that awful script
233
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,706
from The Cable Guy .
234
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:26,083
Lemme see. Stupid script!
235
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,252
Nearly wrecked
Jim Carrey's career!
236
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,046
You-- (grunting)
237
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:32,882
I'm gonna... what?
238
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,721
The food is exquisite!
239
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:42,683
And the view is... beautiful...
240
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,226
inspirational...
241
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:47,855
nauseating.
(groans)
242
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:52,443
Hey, Homer! Great call
on that chicken place!
243
00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,278
And on that rib place!
244
00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,072
I never knew
everything was so good!
245
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,242
Look, Marge.
I'm making a difference
246
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,702
in people's lives.
247
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,955
Yes, Simpson, your love
of food is contagious.
248
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,957
I've never felt jollier. (cracking)
249
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,794
Ooh!
There go my shin bones again.
250
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,550
Hey, Homer! Come here.
251
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,552
(gasps)
Are you gonna fire me
252
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:20,096
for swiping office supplies?
253
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,764
-No.
-Whew!
254
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,600
(clacking)
255
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,228
Some of your fellow critics
wanted to meet you.
256
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:30,147
This is Garth Trelawney, TV critic.
257
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,359
Why, you-- you made them
cancel Platypus Man...
258
00:11:33,442 --> 00:11:34,443
Homer!
259
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,070
This is our theater critic,
260
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,780
Daphne Beaumont.
261
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,198
...and the Cosby Mysteries!
262
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,158
That show had
limitless possibilities!
263
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,327
-Homer, please!
-Sorry.
264
00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:45,663
Jamie Killday,
farm supply critic.
265
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,665
Just got back from
the Gopher Poison show
266
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,126
in Paris. Let me tell you
something, people.
267
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,129
The days of clubbing them
with a baseball bat are over!
268
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,755
For you, perhaps.
269
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,590
Listen, we've been meaning
to have a talk
270
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:58,008
with you about your reviews.
271
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,344
Everything's a rave!
Nine thumbs up?
272
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,721
What the hell is that?
273
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,723
{\an8}I've given out my share
of bad reviews.
274
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,558
Oh! The only bad review
you gave was
275
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:07,685
to a slice of pizza
you found under the couch.
276
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,146
It lost some points
'cause it had a hot wheel on it.
277
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,897
Oh, good Lord, man.
You're a critic!
278
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,566
You don't have to like
everything,
279
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,985
e.g., my latest review.
(clears throat)
280
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,695
"We see John Deere has come out
281
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,739
with this year's
line of rototillers.
282
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,366
Surprise, surprise,
they're green!
283
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:25,953
I say it's time to send
John Deere a 'Dear John."'
284
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,124
-Oh, that's classic!
-You don't have to patronize me.
285
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,584
Aaa-- okay.
286
00:12:33,669 --> 00:12:35,671
Lord, thy daughters...
287
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:39,008
Goneril, Regan and Cordelia.
288
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,136
What is this, merry old England
or petticoat junction?
289
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,763
(laughing)
290
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:44,847
(audience boos, hisses,
heckles)
291
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,390
(groaning)
292
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142
Hey! Lighten up. It's a comedy.
293
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,227
-No, it's not.
-It's not?
294
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,146
(groans)
295
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,692
Hmm. This pea soup
is as weak as the acting
296
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,652
and nowhere near as hammy.
297
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,155
Dad! That's so mean!
298
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:02,907
The other critics
told me to be mean,
299
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:05,242
and you should always
give in to peer pressure.
300
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,161
But what if someone bad
tells me to--
301
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,162
Always!
302
00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:09,413
{\an8}Huh? Huh?
303
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,582
{\an8}Whoa! This material stinks!
304
00:13:11,665 --> 00:13:13,667
I'm gonna have to punch it up
on the fly.
305
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,961
Oh, I got one!
How do you make a King Lear?
306
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,880
Put the queen in a bikini!
307
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,507
-(chuckles, groans)
-(audience boos)
308
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:21,926
Here's another one.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
309
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,677
"Juliet." "Juliet who?"
310
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:26,180
Juliet so much pasta fazool,
311
00:13:26,263 --> 00:13:28,432
Romeo doesn't want her anymore!
312
00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,893
-(laughing)
-(booing continues)
313
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,814
Whoa, tough crowd!
They're booing Shakespeare!
314
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,569
(chomping)
315
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,071
Uh, not bad...
316
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:45,032
if lasagna is Italian
for "pile of puke"!
317
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:47,701
Aah! I chopp-a you good!
318
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:48,994
(shouts in foreign language)
319
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,080
Well, I hope you cut me better
320
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,207
than you did
these string beans.
321
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,419
Hmm. I seem to be missing
a piece of my ear. Touché.
322
00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:01,298
Who wants pork chops?
323
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:05,302
Mmm.
324
00:14:06,428 --> 00:14:07,555
Sorry, Marge.
325
00:14:07,638 --> 00:14:09,348
I'm afraid this gets my lowest
326
00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,101
rating ever! Seven thumbs up.
327
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,062
You always liked my pork chops.
328
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:17,022
Marge, I'm sorry,
but your cooking's
329
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,649
only got two moves...
330
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,068
shake and bake.
331
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,611
You like shake 'n bake!
332
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,113
You used to put
it in your coffee!
333
00:14:24,196 --> 00:14:25,739
People change, Marge.
334
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,825
My palate has grown
more sophisticated.
335
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,160
Oh, yeah? What's a palate?
336
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:33,330
Oh, it's a...
337
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:36,166
special time
in a boy's life when--
338
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,626
-Gotta go!
-(chair scraping)
339
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,420
So come to The Legless Frog...
340
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:41,297
if you want to get sick and die
341
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:43,841
and leave
a big, garlicky corpse!
342
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,175
P.S., parking was ample.
343
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,762
{\an8}Dad, you're being cruel for no reason.
What will people think?
344
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:50,890
People will think
what I tell them to think,
345
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,600
when you tell me
what to tell them to think.
346
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,019
{\an8}Not anymore.
I don't want to be partners
347
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:57,438
{\an8}with a man
who thinks like that.
348
00:14:57,521 --> 00:14:59,607
Nobody talks to me that way!
I'm Homer Simpson,
349
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,234
the most powerful food critic in town,
350
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:04,320
who will never
get his comeuppance!
351
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:07,239
You hear me?
No comeuppance!
352
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,074
We'll be right back.
353
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,038
I don't need Lisa
to write a good review.
354
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:17,249
The food at
The Gilded Truffle really...
355
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,792
uh-what's a good word?
356
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:19,919
(sucking)
357
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,378
Sucks! That's great!
358
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:25,215
And the bread was really...
359
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,592
Come on!
Help me out here!
360
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,218
-Ruff!
-Rough?
361
00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:30,721
I don't know. You've been
pitchin' that all night.
362
00:15:30,804 --> 00:15:32,765
-Chewy?
-Chewy!
363
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,475
That's inspired!
364
00:15:37,686 --> 00:15:40,230
{\an8}Homer, what gives
with this review?
365
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,775
{\an8}You say "the salad
tastes like bark"
366
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:45,778
{\an8}and the potatoes
were very "grrrrr!"
367
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,780
This reads like
it was written by a dog.
368
00:15:47,863 --> 00:15:50,366
Are you crazy?
A dog can't type.
369
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:51,575
(mutters) Unfortunately.
370
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,703
Listen, you gotta shape up!
Next week
371
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,122
is the Taste of Springfield festival.
372
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,000
You'll be reviewing
every restaurant in town.
373
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:02,670
Remember,
people have certain expectations
374
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:04,004
about the "Life Ways" section.
375
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,381
Really? Like what?
376
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,383
Oh, I don't know.
377
00:16:07,466 --> 00:16:11,762
Astrology, Broom-Hilda ,
vacation horror stories ,
378
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,223
articles about
chronic fatigue syndrome...
379
00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:15,933
you know, chick crap.
380
00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:18,018
(angry muttering)
381
00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:21,563
Homer, he's outta control.
He gave me a bad review!
382
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,400
So, my friend
put a horse head on his bed.
383
00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,777
He ate the head
and gave it a bad review!
384
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:27,861
True story.
385
00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,488
Arr, well, I've had it with Homer!
386
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:32,908
His bad reviews
are sinkin' our businesses.
387
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,202
Then, why did you put yours
in the window?
388
00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,832
Arr, it covered up the "D"
from the health inspector.
389
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:43,127
Well, I say we ban Homer
from our restaurants.
390
00:16:43,210 --> 00:16:45,337
No. That would be impolite.
391
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:46,588
I say we kill him!
392
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:47,923
Now, hold on a minute.
393
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,592
Are we restauranteurs,
or are we murderers?
394
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:52,636
Does that answer your question?
395
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:58,350
We'll kill him at
The Taste of Springfield festival.
396
00:16:58,434 --> 00:17:00,561
We'll give Homer
all he can eat,
397
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,354
till he can eat no more.
398
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,607
Then, he'll get
his just dessert.
399
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:10,946
This will be Homer Simpson's
last lagniappe.
400
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,115
Come on!
You're gonna kill him with a pastry?
401
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:15,701
I've seen this man
eat a bowl of change.
402
00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,787
This eclair has
over one million calories.
403
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,249
Twenty-five pounds of butter
per square inch.
404
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,876
-(all moan)
-Covered with chocolate
405
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:27,296
so dark, light cannot escape
its surface.
406
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:28,964
(clamoring)
407
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,090
No, no, no!
408
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,633
This is just a picture.
409
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,470
But Homer Simpson
will find the real thing
410
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:37,473
both delicious and deadly.
411
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,517
Ah, yes! Death by chocolate.
412
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,895
(laughs)
Oh.
413
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:44,855
And poison.
I'll stick in some poison.
414
00:17:44,938 --> 00:17:48,275
(all laughing)
415
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,823
Homie, my woman's intuition's acting u
416
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,868
Something bad's going to happen
if you go in there.
417
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,245
Oh, Marge, something bad
usually happens to me
418
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:01,747
when I go in anywhere.
419
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,290
(whistling)
420
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:06,168
-D'oh! Ohh! (grunting)
-(bat squealing)
421
00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:08,170
A bat. Now, that's a new one!
422
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:10,339
So what are you up to,
young lady?
423
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:13,175
I'm reviewing the festival
for our school paper.
424
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:17,054
Oh. Well, I'm glad to see
my ex-partner
425
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:19,348
is doing so well without me.
426
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,557
(groans)
427
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:40,452
(chomping)
428
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,537
Pedestrian.
429
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:44,957
Uninspired.
430
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,626
I didn't say stop.
431
00:18:49,461 --> 00:18:51,130
Lard ho!
432
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,090
Arr, 'tis a good sign.
433
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,093
Homer's unfastened
the top button on his pants.
434
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:59,429
Uh, no, he's been walking
around like that since Thanksgiving.
435
00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,640
I'm surprised
he just doesn't give it up
436
00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:02,933
and go for sweat pants.
437
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,228
He says the crotch
wears out too fast.
438
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:10,023
Yarrr! That's gonna replace
the whale in my nightmares!
439
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,608
Well, don't worry.
440
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:13,652
The giant eclair will knock
441
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,696
Homer off the food page
442
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,240
and into the obituaries.
443
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,367
(both laughing)
444
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:25,122
Wait a minute.
They're gonna kill Dad!
445
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,008
Ooh!
446
00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:41,138
Oh, that's a spicy meat-ball!
447
00:19:41,221 --> 00:19:43,223
So if we don't find Dad,
this crazy French guy
448
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,808
-is gonna kill him!
-(sighs)
449
00:19:44,892 --> 00:19:47,144
Only your father could take
a part-time job
450
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:49,021
at a small-town paper
and wind up
451
00:19:49,104 --> 00:19:51,565
the target
of international assassins.
452
00:19:51,648 --> 00:19:53,442
We can find him faster
by splitting up.
453
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,527
You take fried foods,
you take salty snacks,
454
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,154
I'll take desserts. Break!
455
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,451
Ohh! So full.
456
00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:04,286
Belly button moving from
457
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,331
innie to... (creaking) outie!
458
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:13,295
(chomping, smacking)
459
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,300
Ooh, that looks
scrumdiddly-doodly-duddley--
460
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:19,968
-Get lost!
-A rude Frenchman?
461
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,762
Well, I never!
462
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,098
(gasps)
Ooh! Sweet!
463
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,850
(smacking lips)
464
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,393
(panting)
465
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,770
Ooh!
(chuckles)
466
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,690
Dad, no!
467
00:20:36,109 --> 00:20:37,986
It's gonna kill you!
468
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,239
Ehh, I've had a good run.
469
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,450
(grunting)
Don't, uh--
470
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:46,119
Um, it's low-fat!
471
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,538
No!
472
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,335
Whew! That was close.
Thank God
473
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,045
it landed
in that smoking crater!
474
00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,339
(humming "La Marseillaise")
475
00:20:57,422 --> 00:20:59,925
-Huh?
-Take him into custardy, boys!
476
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,386
Hah! Attempted murder one.
477
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,931
Now, boys, what would you say
to some Belgian waffles?
478
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,058
Actually, I was in the mood
for some frittatas.
479
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:10,143
Ha! Lou and his frittatas!
480
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:12,688
(laughing)
481
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:14,648
Frittatas! Ha-ha!
482
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:15,983
Oh, he likes eggs.
483
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,402
Oh, Lisa, you saved me!
484
00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:21,405
And after all the bad things
I said about you.
485
00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:23,365
What bad things? Why?
486
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,661
Oh, Lisa, the important thing is
I didn't get my comeuppance,
487
00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,371
and I never will.
488
00:21:32,749 --> 00:21:34,793
Uh, Dad?
489
00:21:34,876 --> 00:21:36,044
I know, honey.
490
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,255
The important thing is... run!
491
00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,674
-(elephants trumpeting)
-(all shouting)
492
00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:43,343
-(Homer groaning, whimpering)
-(blows landing)
493
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,721
HOMER: I'm finally getting
my comeuppance!
494
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,604
(theme music playing)
495
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:27,137
Shh!
496
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:32,517
{\an8}Captioned by
Visual Data Media Services