1 00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:06,423 CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,508 (theme music playing) 3 00:00:16,933 --> 00:00:19,811 (bell ringing) 4 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,150 (whistle blows) 5 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,281 (beeping) 6 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:43,376 (playing the blues) 7 00:00:58,600 --> 00:00:59,893 (honking horn) 8 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:01,978 (tires screeching) 9 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:06,066 D'oh! (screams) 10 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:11,780 HOMER (grunting): Give me a hand. 11 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,542 {\an8}Our top story, the ozone hole 12 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,586 {\an8}that devastated Brazil last summer 13 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,546 {\an8}is apparently wintering in Springfield. 14 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,215 {\an8}Whoo! Springfield rocks! 15 00:01:30,298 --> 00:01:32,383 {\an8}Residents are advised to stay inside 16 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:35,845 {\an8}unless you wear sunscreen or are very, very hairy. 17 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,597 {\an8}Experts recommend a class-nine 18 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:40,100 {\an8}or Robin Williams level of hair coverage. 19 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:41,768 {\an8}MILHOUSE: Help, somebody! 20 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,728 {\an8}Oh! 21 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:48,066 {\an8}(screaming) 22 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,360 {\an8}Let me in, for the love of... 23 00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:53,404 {\an8}-(grunting) -Are you OK? 24 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:54,989 {\an8}MILHOUSE (nonchalantly): I've been better. 25 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,368 {\an8}Oh, I am so bored. 26 00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:02,413 {\an8}Oh, I can't wait till we're teenagers. Then we'll be happy. 27 00:02:02,497 --> 00:02:05,625 {\an8}Well, we could play Clam Traffic Jam 28 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,418 {\an8}or The Game of County Seats. 29 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:12,715 {\an8}Aw, the zoning disc is warped. 30 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,259 {\an8}All right! Silly string! 31 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,138 {\an8}Look, you're Milhouse. 32 00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,598 {\an8}Who wets their bed now, Milhouse? 33 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:21,933 {\an8}(laughs) 34 00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,810 {\an8}Ugh. I'll be in my room. 35 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,395 {\an8}BART: There's got to be something fun 36 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:26,688 {\an8}in my parents' closet. 37 00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:28,439 {\an8}Want to dress up like ladies? 38 00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:31,943 {\an8}Uh, wouldn't that make us kind of... fruity? 39 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:34,487 {\an8}What's the matter? Scared you might like it? 40 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,947 {\an8}I'll show you who's scared. 41 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,827 {\an8}Oh, wow, this really hides my thighs. (growls lewdly) 42 00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,664 {\an8}(both laughing) 43 00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:48,668 {\an8}BOTH: ♪ Sisters are doing it for themselves ♪ 44 00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:50,503 {\an8}-(knocking on door) -HOMER: Hey, why is this door locked? 45 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,754 {\an8}Oh, no, it's Dad! 46 00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:53,256 {\an8}(grunts) 47 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,133 {\an8}(groaning) 48 00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:56,467 {\an8}(gasps) 49 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,760 {\an8}What's going on? 50 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,972 {\an8}And I want a non-gay explanation. 51 00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:02,765 {\an8}Uh, we're drunk, 52 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:03,892 {\an8}really drunk. 53 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,351 {\an8}Oh, thank God. 54 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,270 {\an8}(groans) 55 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,482 {\an8}-Clear. -(screams) 56 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,109 {\an8}Why are you doing that? 57 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,736 {\an8}Oh. It's good for the batteries. 58 00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:17,405 {\an8}Now, I'm afraid your son has cracked his coccyx. 59 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,199 {\an8}(all laughing) 60 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:22,160 {\an8}I'm sorry. How long will he take to recover? 61 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:25,288 {\an8}He'll have to wear this fanny cast for quite some time. 62 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:28,374 {\an8}But don't worry, son. It fits snugly under your clothes. 63 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,794 {\an8}Do all these people have to watch me? 64 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:35,757 {\an8}Now, son, this is a teaching hospital 65 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,009 {\an8}which is why I equipped the seat of your cast 66 00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,260 {\an8}with a viewing window. 67 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,595 Oh, my. Now, that's something. 68 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:41,804 He should exercise more. 69 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:46,601 (grunting) Oh! 70 00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:48,853 {\an8}Uh, little help? 71 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,398 SKINNER: Bart, stop fooling around. 72 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,609 Principal Skinner, I thought public schools 73 00:03:54,692 --> 00:03:57,612 were required to have access ramps for the disabled. 74 00:03:57,695 --> 00:04:01,241 Technically, yes, but the building costs would be astronomical. 75 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,701 Did I hear the world "astronomical"? 76 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:05,912 If so, my construction outfit, 77 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:08,873 Valdazzo Brothers Olive Oil, is poised to help. 78 00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:10,667 No, no, no, no. We're not building anything. 79 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,001 How can you say that 80 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,087 when construction has already begun? 81 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,422 -(tires screech) -(power drill clattering) 82 00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:18,174 How did those trucks get here so fast? 83 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,010 In order to avoid certain "legal complications," 84 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,971 the trucks are always rolling. 85 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,722 Now for the groundbreaking ceremony. 86 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:25,848 (shutter clicks) 87 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:31,145 Good lord, do we really need all those ramps? 88 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,563 Who's to say? 89 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,691 Does a peacock need all those feathers? 90 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:36,651 Look, you're getting a little philosophical for me. 91 00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:39,696 I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years. 92 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:40,863 Be that as it may... 93 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,116 Get your hand off my car. 94 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,411 This is a proud day. 95 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:48,579 Now when people ask if we're in compliance 96 00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:51,374 with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, 97 00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:54,794 I can say we are closer than ever before! 98 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,629 (all cheering) 99 00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:59,215 Thank you. To inaugurate our ramp system, 100 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,800 here's the first of what I hope 101 00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:04,178 will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson. 102 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:07,265 -I'm proud of you, boy. -What the... 103 00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,767 -Bart, where's your wheelchair? -Don't need it any more. 104 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:12,020 Doctor says my butt bone's stronger than ever. 105 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,647 (grunting) Ta-da! 106 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,984 -(weak applause) -MAN: That's interesting. 107 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,611 Well, at least we're prepared for the new millennium. 108 00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:27,785 By God, the whole thing's made of bread sticks! 109 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:29,162 And paint and shellac. 110 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,080 It's all itemized in this bill. 111 00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,916 $200,000? Are you mad? 112 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:37,045 I don't get mad. I get stabby. 113 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:42,216 The good news is we need no longer fear 114 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,926 vicious mob reprisals. 115 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,011 (honking horn) 116 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,851 But due to lack of funds, 117 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:54,812 Springfield Elementary is closed forever. 118 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,939 ALL: Yay! 119 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,108 Oh, you're cheering now, but someday you'll-- 120 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,860 ALL: Yay! 121 00:06:00,943 --> 00:06:02,111 I'm just going to stop trying. 122 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,822 ALL: Yay! 123 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:11,662 -How could you close the school? -What will become of our kids? 124 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,998 -Where are the refreshments? -Now, you keep asking me that 125 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:15,750 and I keep telling you "over there." 126 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,380 (clears throat) As for the school, we're exploring various options 127 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:22,924 to raise the $200,000 we need. 128 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:24,509 I've got a motor home I never use. 129 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:25,718 Maybe we should raffle it off. 130 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,095 Maybe you should shut up. 131 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,263 Well, I... OK. 132 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,890 We could try selling liquor. 133 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,141 I'm doing great. 134 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,560 Please, sir, put some shoes on. 135 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,145 What? You don't like my bags? 136 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,272 People, these are all good ideas. 137 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,442 No, they're not. They're terrible, terrible ideas. 138 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:43,361 You're right. It's hopeless. 139 00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:44,737 No one has that kind of money. 140 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:45,988 What about Mr. Burns? 141 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,657 Maybe he'll help us out. 142 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,242 Forget it. He releases the hounds 143 00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:51,244 on every charity that comes to his door... 144 00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,121 Feed The Children, Save The Whales, 145 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:54,497 even Release The Hounds. 146 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,125 Well, maybe we can pry open his wallet 147 00:06:57,208 --> 00:06:59,460 with a slick, professional pitch. (snaps fingers) 148 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,587 A school play! 149 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,551 Welcome to the world premiere of... 150 00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:08,803 The Nice Man Giveth. 151 00:07:08,886 --> 00:07:10,096 Oh, focus! 152 00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:11,222 It's a play, sir. 153 00:07:13,307 --> 00:07:16,227 Hmm, which one of these is the salt? 154 00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:18,980 Too bad I'm an idiot 'cause my school closed. 155 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:20,523 Oh, well. 156 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,191 No, that's the rat poison! 157 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:24,735 And freeze! 158 00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:28,030 Now, who in Springfield will eat the poisoned broth? 159 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,949 Oh, it could be anyone, 160 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:31,742 even Mr. Burns. 161 00:07:31,826 --> 00:07:33,828 This play really speaks to me. 162 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:37,081 {\an8}(mimicking siren) 163 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:39,333 {\an8}I can't take Mr. Burns to the (lisping) hotpital 164 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,377 {\an8}'cause I'm too dumb to read a map. 165 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:44,088 {\an8}Oh, why did my school have to close? 166 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:45,423 Hmm. 167 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:49,802 Hello, I'm Dr. Stupid. 168 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:51,971 I'm going to take out your liver bones. 169 00:07:52,054 --> 00:07:53,890 (grunts) Oops, you're dead. 170 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,725 {\an8}I never liked that Dr. Stupid. 171 00:07:58,060 --> 00:08:01,063 Mr. Burns, I'll be honest. We had a hidden agenda tonight. 172 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:03,357 -(gasps) No! -The holiday season is approaching, 173 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,485 and these children need a school. 174 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:09,071 Charity, eh? Yes, I'd be more than happy... 175 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:12,366 (all screaming) 176 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,327 Oh, it's doing that thing again. 177 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,162 ANNOUNCER: We now return to 178 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,581 (speaking in Spanish) 179 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:35,515 (groans) Daytime TV is muy estupido. 180 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:37,850 -(static crackles) -Hey, our school's on TV. 181 00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:40,811 {\an8}Springfield Elementary has reopened its doors. 182 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,188 (both gasp) 183 00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:43,231 I'm with Jim Hope 184 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:44,857 of Kid First Industries 185 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,234 which has generously stepped in 186 00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:47,735 to educate our children. 187 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,028 That's right, Kent. You know, 188 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,571 when public schools drop the ball, 189 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:51,739 it's up to the private sector 190 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:52,907 to fall on that fumble 191 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,158 and run for the end zone. 192 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:55,451 Will you be replacing 193 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,036 the current teachers and administrators? 194 00:08:57,119 --> 00:08:59,205 Very much so, Kent. But they've already received 195 00:08:59,288 --> 00:09:01,123 an extremely generous severance package. 196 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,667 "Valencia?" 197 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,169 (scoffs) These are juice oranges! 198 00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:08,506 Howdy, children. I'd like to welcome you back to school! 199 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:10,841 -ALL: Boo! -You know what? I agree. 200 00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,843 -ALL: Wha... -Your old school was boring. 201 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,762 That's why it failed, right? Well, we're not going 202 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,639 to make you memorize facts and dates. 203 00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:17,807 No, no, no. 204 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:18,849 I'm going to find out 205 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,142 what you really love in life 206 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,978 and teach to that. 207 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:23,771 What are you passionate about, partner? 208 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,524 -Boogers. -(all laughing) 209 00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,485 "Boogers"! (laughs) That was great! 210 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,946 You know, humor is a sign of intelligence. 211 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,198 -You're not mad? -Hey, I'm here to make sure 212 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,534 that you get a kick out of education. 213 00:09:36,617 --> 00:09:37,910 Hyah! 214 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,245 STUDENTS: Yay! 215 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,830 He's rekindled my love affair 216 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:41,914 with books. 217 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,541 (Bart grunting) 218 00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,672 Check it out. I'm breaking books at a sixth-grade level. 219 00:09:49,755 --> 00:09:50,965 -(grunts) -Get 'em, boy! 220 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,466 Hit those smart-ass books! 221 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,385 Why don't you kick some books, Lisa? 222 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:56,679 Bart broke all my books. 223 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,556 You know what our homework is? 224 00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,141 Find a toy and bring it to class. 225 00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:01,767 Boy, that sounds fun. 226 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,811 I know, but I'm still not going to do it. 227 00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:07,189 Since Christmas is coming soon, 228 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,734 I thought we could talk about our favorite toys. 229 00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:11,569 Milhouse, what have you got there? 230 00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:12,945 My busy box. 231 00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,238 It's got everything. 232 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,741 Vroom! Vroom! Vroom! 233 00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:18,409 I'm calling Daddy. 234 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,869 Good for you. Not being bound 235 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:21,662 by the recommended age. 236 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,164 What are you talking about? 237 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,499 Oh, jeez! 238 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,877 How about the rest of you? 239 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,587 What do you like about those toys of yours? 240 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:30,796 They're special. 241 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,131 They're challenging. 242 00:10:32,214 --> 00:10:34,467 (music playing backward) 243 00:10:38,929 --> 00:10:40,306 Very good. 244 00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,850 Now I want you all to imagine the perfect toy. 245 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,645 -What would it be like? -It should be soft and cuddly. 246 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,313 Yeah, with lots of firepower. 247 00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:48,856 Its eyes should be telescopes. 248 00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:50,232 No, periscopes. 249 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,817 No, microscopes! 250 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:52,902 Can you come back to me? 251 00:10:52,985 --> 00:10:54,987 It should be full of surprises. 252 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,614 It should never stop dancing. 253 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,074 It should need accessories. 254 00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,659 Now that's market research 255 00:10:59,742 --> 00:11:01,160 you can take to the bank. 256 00:11:01,243 --> 00:11:02,411 The money bank. 257 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,913 I just wish those second graders 258 00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,331 would stop jerking us around. 259 00:11:07,083 --> 00:11:10,461 -Fun toys are fun. -Well said, Ralph. 260 00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:12,880 But we're trying to come up with a name for a toy. 261 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,590 -Mrs. Fun? -Not bad. 262 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,633 Fun? 263 00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,927 Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, 264 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,054 but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you an "F." 265 00:11:20,137 --> 00:11:22,056 The before teacher yelled at me, too. 266 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,391 No one's yelling. 267 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,434 We're just brainstorming names. 268 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,560 Lisa, any ideas? 269 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,646 Oh, a name with fun? 270 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,064 Um, fungus? 271 00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:32,316 Funzo? Attila the fun? 272 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,734 Lisa, are you doing math? 273 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,945 Uh, just a few Venn diagrams. 274 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,863 There's more under her chair. 275 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:40,741 (chuckles) 276 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:41,742 Lisa in trouble. 277 00:11:41,826 --> 00:11:43,869 Ha, the ironing is delicious. 278 00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,372 -The word is "irony." -Huh? 279 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,624 Don't you think there's something weird going on here? 280 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,001 We spend all day selecting fabric swatches, 281 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:54,213 and then our guest speaker was Phil from marketing. 282 00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:56,966 Alls I know is I'm getting straight As 283 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,093 and that ain't not bad. 284 00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,302 (laughs) 285 00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,971 That's not funny! 286 00:12:02,054 --> 00:12:03,723 Huh? Oh. 287 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,603 (gasps) 288 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,864 They're spying on us. 289 00:12:19,947 --> 00:12:21,532 Why would they do that? 290 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,826 -ROBOTIC VOICE: I see you. -(gasps) 291 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,330 Give me a hug. 292 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,708 {\an8}(screams) 293 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,507 This better be important, Lisa. 294 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,468 I left Ralphie alone in the bathtub. 295 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,261 RALPH (on radio): Daddy, I'm ready to get out now. 296 00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,345 Over. 297 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,391 This broom closet is not what it seems. 298 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:51,395 It's a secret surveillance room guarded by a tiny evil robot. 299 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,273 Ugh. Is this going to be like one of those horror movies 300 00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:56,484 where we open the door and everything's normal 301 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,943 and we think you're crazy 302 00:12:58,027 --> 00:12:59,945 but then there really is a killer robot 303 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,199 and the next morning you find me impaled on a weathervane? 304 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,992 {\an8}Is that what this is, Lisa? 305 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:08,120 To be fair, not all evil robots are killers. 306 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,539 Listen, when you see what's inside this... 307 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:11,665 (gasps) 308 00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:15,252 I don't understand. I could swear it was right here. 309 00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,671 Yeah, right, mop top. And I'm Ed Sullivan. 310 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,924 (imitating Ed Sullivan) Really big shew... 311 00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,592 No, no, I can do it better. 312 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:24,261 Really big shew, really big. That's it. 313 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,264 Well, folks, that's the end of Krusty's 314 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,017 nondenominational holiday fun fest. 315 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:31,644 I want to thank my guests 316 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:32,978 Tea Leoni... 317 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,104 Beck... 318 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:36,482 The Dixie Chicks... 319 00:13:36,565 --> 00:13:38,275 ALL: Merry Christmas, y'all. 320 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:41,821 KRUSTY: ...and Patrick Ewing as the genie. 321 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:46,534 So have a merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, kwazy Kwanza, 322 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:51,121 a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. 323 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:54,708 Now a word from my God, our sponsor. 324 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,546 ROBOTIC VOICE (singsongy): I see you. 325 00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,757 Give me a hug. 326 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,553 Hah! That's the doll that attacked me. 327 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:08,931 TV ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, everybody wants Funzo. 328 00:14:09,014 --> 00:14:11,892 Funzo? I said that name in class. 329 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:14,061 Funzo's soft and cuddly. 330 00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,688 With lots of firepower. 331 00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:18,357 -Aah! Ow -Yes! 332 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,567 (imitating Nelson) Haw haw! 333 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:20,693 ANNOUNCER: Funzo! 334 00:14:20,776 --> 00:14:22,152 Funzo! Funzo! 335 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,821 If you don't have Funzo, 336 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,489 you're nothing. 337 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:27,449 Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. 338 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,951 Bart, they lied to us. 339 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:30,494 Instead of giving us an education, 340 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,872 they tricked us into designing a toy. 341 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,290 Aren't you outraged? 342 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,166 No, but if you're going to throw a spaz, 343 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,459 -I'll come with. -Good. 344 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,169 Saddle up the bikes. 345 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,217 Get down. Security guard. 346 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,681 Hey, it's Gary Coleman. 347 00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:53,392 But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." 348 00:14:53,475 --> 00:14:56,020 Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. 349 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,565 What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Kwan. 350 00:14:59,648 --> 00:15:01,233 I want to see how this turns out. 351 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,485 The phone's not even plugged in. 352 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,571 All right, you listen to me, Kwan... 353 00:15:05,654 --> 00:15:07,740 Hang on, I got another call. 354 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:10,743 Yes, Mr. President. I can be in Washington right away. 355 00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:18,000 You people took advantage of trusting school children. 356 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,668 How did you get past Gary Coleman? 357 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,796 Let's just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy. 358 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:26,300 (shouting) 359 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,303 I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here. 360 00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:31,096 Whatchu talkin' about, Miss Naegle? 361 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,848 That is so adorable. 362 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:34,475 You're rehired. 363 00:15:34,558 --> 00:15:37,853 Sucker. I knew exactly what she was talking about. 364 00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:43,233 (snoring) 365 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:46,070 Lisa, I know you're mad, but just for a damn minute 366 00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:48,989 try to see this from a product positioning standpoint. 367 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,116 Do you have any idea how much pressure we're under 368 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,786 to come up with the new Furby or Tickle Me Elmo? 369 00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:57,289 And thanks to you, Funzo is the first doll designed by children 370 00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:59,917 for children, with all the profits going to children. 371 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,085 Really? 372 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:03,337 Yeah, well, we're all somebody's children. 373 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:06,799 But, hey, we did screw you a little. So, here's a free Funzo. 374 00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:09,593 -Deal. -Oh, brother. 375 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:12,846 And I want Funzo's Dream Fortress, 376 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,516 Funzo's Lower Back Pain Chair, 377 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,601 Funzo's European Voltage Converter... 378 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:19,561 Why not get three? 379 00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,021 Ah, three, it is. 380 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,106 (snaps) 381 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,984 (whirring) 382 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,819 Thanks, Funzo. You rock. 383 00:16:26,902 --> 00:16:29,238 All righty. 384 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,866 It's always a party with Funzo. 385 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:34,535 I admit it's kind of cute, 386 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:37,329 but it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy. 387 00:16:41,625 --> 00:16:44,044 (gasps) Did you see that? 388 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:47,006 Yeah. Funzo makes playtime fun. 389 00:16:48,215 --> 00:16:50,801 Hey, kids, it's... (gagging) 390 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:53,012 Hey, why is it destroying other toys? 391 00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,681 They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition. 392 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,891 -You mean like Microsoft? -Exactly. 393 00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,310 Come on, Bart, we've got to warn everyone. 394 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:03,647 Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! 395 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,861 Boycott Funzo! 396 00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:11,572 He's a toy-killing machine! 397 00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:13,449 (chuckles) That shy little imp? 398 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,745 -I have a flower for 'oo. -ALL: Aww... 399 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,329 Oh, man, I got to get me one of those. 400 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,415 Hey, I'm not waiting till the store opens. 401 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,043 -(all shouting) -WOMAN: Get out of the way! 402 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:28,297 Wow. Only 22 seconds from muttering to door smash. 403 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:30,424 That projects to a profit of... 404 00:17:30,507 --> 00:17:32,217 $370 million. 405 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,928 I'd still sleep a little easier if I saw some trampling. 406 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:37,556 Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey! Ow! 407 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,475 Now, why would you wear cleats to a store? 408 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,851 (glasses clink) 409 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,561 Well, I guess that's it. 410 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,605 Come Christmas eve, there'll be a Funzo 411 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:46,315 under every tree. 412 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,983 Unless... 413 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:52,446 -So, who am I beating up? -Nobody. 414 00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:54,531 You're just going to break into everyone's house 415 00:17:54,615 --> 00:17:56,116 and steal their favorite toy. 416 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:57,785 Thus saving Christmas. 417 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:00,204 Now, let's see, this will make three Christmases 418 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:04,291 I saved versus eight I ruined. Two were kind of a draw... 419 00:18:04,374 --> 00:18:06,376 Dad, Dad, you're driving on the sidewalk. 420 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:07,753 -Sorry. -(cat yowls) 421 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,589 (doorbell chimes) 422 00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:13,967 ♪ Joy to the world ♪ 423 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,803 ♪ The lord is come ♪ 424 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:19,807 {\an8}♪ Let earth receive her king ♪ 425 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:22,101 -♪ Let every... ♪ -Season's greetings. 426 00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,227 Peace out. 427 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,356 (doorbell chimes) 428 00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,361 {\an8}(singing quietly) ♪ Silent night... ♪ 429 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:33,862 {\an8}(loud crash) 430 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,616 (singing loudly) ♪ Holy night ♪ 431 00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:41,078 -(Homer screaming) -♪ All is calm ♪ 432 00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:44,331 {\an8}♪ All is bright ♪ 433 00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:45,457 {\an8}♪ Round... ♪ 434 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,754 Alrighty! 435 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:52,923 (to the tune of "Tiny Bubbles") ♪ Writhing Funzos ♪ 436 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,758 ♪ In my sack ♪ 437 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,512 ♪ Makes me happy makes me hurt my back ♪ 438 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:00,222 Just dump them in the fire, Dad. 439 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:02,516 Yes. The madness ends here. 440 00:19:02,599 --> 00:19:05,227 Huh! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that. 441 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,022 (grunting) 442 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,485 I'm very mad at 'oo. 443 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:14,653 (groans) 444 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,615 (all gasping) 445 00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,079 Well, what do we have here? 446 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,248 Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster. 447 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:29,376 (yelps) Please, Mr. Coleman, we can explain. 448 00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:31,128 I'm listening. 449 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,838 Your toy company is evil. 450 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:34,464 Well, isn't it possible 451 00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,550 for an evil company to make people happy? 452 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,344 Are you saying the end justifies the means? 453 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,638 That's a very glib interpretation. 454 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,682 Hey, don't talk to my sister that way. 455 00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,184 No, Bart, he's right. 456 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:46,977 I did oversimplify. 457 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:50,314 Perhaps, but let's not get bogged down in semantics. 458 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:52,399 I think what Lisa meant to say is... 459 00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:55,777 NARRATOR: And so Gary Coleman and the Simpsons 460 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,488 argued long into the night... 461 00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,116 and then, as day broke 462 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,286 the spirit of the season entered their hearts. 463 00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:07,206 Let's just agree that the commercialization of Christmas 464 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:09,041 is at best a mixed blessing. 465 00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,710 -Amen. -ALL: Yeah, amen. Amen. Amen. 466 00:20:12,794 --> 00:20:14,546 Love! 467 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,715 Hey, look out! (shouting) 468 00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:25,015 Well, there's something you don't see every Christmas. 469 00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:26,808 Hey, it is Christmas. 470 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,060 We'd better get home. 471 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,482 {\an8}Hey, Dad, what do you think of... 472 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:36,151 (whispering indistinctly) 473 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:41,156 Um, uh, Mr. Coleman, I've been thinking, 474 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,493 uh, my wife always makes too much stuffing 475 00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,870 and sweet p'taters and all, and... 476 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:48,330 Oh, heck. 477 00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:50,707 Would you like to spend Christmas with us? 478 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:54,211 No way. I'm having Christmas at George Clooney's house. 479 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,588 Gary. 480 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,048 All right, I'll come. 481 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,344 NARRATOR: And Gary Coleman was as good as his word. 482 00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:05,472 As for old Mr. Burns, he was visited by three ghosts 483 00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:08,308 during the night and agreed to fund the school 484 00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,228 with some money he found in his tuxedo pants... 485 00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:13,522 Thank you, thank you. Humbug. 486 00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:16,525 NARRATOR: ...while Moe, seeing what the world would be like 487 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:18,402 if he had never been born 488 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:20,153 pulled his head out of the oven 489 00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:23,615 ad replaced it with a plump Christmas goose. 490 00:21:23,699 --> 00:21:25,951 Here, happy holidays there. 491 00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:28,203 ALL: Merry Christmas, Moe. 492 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:31,623 Uh, listen, I kind of banged up the jeep in the driveway. 493 00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,292 Whatchu talkin' about, Moe? 494 00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,502 (all laughing) 495 00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:38,422 {\an8}Whatchu talkin' 'bout, everyone. 496 00:21:44,469 --> 00:21:47,431 (theme music playing) 497 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,678 -(murmuring) -Shh! 498 00:22:30,015 --> 00:22:32,017 {\an8}Captioned by Visual Data Media Services