CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(theme music playing)
(bell rings)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(honking horn)
D'oh! (screams)
(brakes screeching)
Oh, doctor, I'm crazy. (sobs)
Bill. Bill. Ooh! Llib!
Eh, wait a minute... Bill!
Huh? "Springfield University Homecoming."
Finally, a chance to relive my golden college years.
Dad, you only took one course.
Remember my love affair with Ali McGraw?
She used to call me "Preppy". Then she died.
Oh, there's a homecoming parade, A cocktail party...
Then the big game between Springfield-U and Springfield A&M.
I hate Springfield-U so much.
You went to Springfield-U. You hate A&M.
So much.
My old dorm room.
Come on, baby. Let's matriculate.
(chuckling)
You college boys are only interested in one thing.
Whoa... you're supposed to hang your necktie
on the doorknob if you got a girl in the room.
Or a ski hat if you've got a picture of a girl.
(all laugh)
My old roommates... the nerds.
-Ah... you working? -Oh, my, yes.
I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty
to divulge... (coughs) Cyborgs.
I invented a program that downloads porn
off the Internet one million times faster.
Does anybody need that much porno?
Oh... one million times.
(crowd murmuring)
Yeah, so because of me
all the dorms now have security phones.
-(sighs in disgust) -(tapping on glass)
And now let's give a warm Alumni welcome...
Uh, you know, clapping...
to Springfield-U's all-American place kicker
-Anton Lubchenko. -(audience clapping)
In home country, growing up in filth
Lubchenko dreams to play U.S.A. football.
On my father's deathbed he made me promise to--
(Dean clears throat)
Long story short, go Springfield-U.
Yes. Thank you, Anton.
Now, folks, a seven and five football season
doesn't come cheap and this is a fund-raiser.
-(screams) -(audience murmur)
Seal the exits.
DEAN: Thank you, thank you. Come on, hurry up.
All right now, let's empty our pockets.
-Make me. -Professor Rocco... Chancellor Knuckles...
Wait... (whimpering) OK...
-(whimpering) All right, OK. -Get every dime.
The Whiffle-Snuffs need new cummerbunds.
♪ We look like slobs ♪
I'm beginning to think this Alumni party
was just a ruse to get our money.
That Dean is going to get an indignant e-mail.
You should do it with bold, red letters.
My computer has 512 shades of red.
Have you nerds forgotten everything I taught you?
This calls for a prank.
I see... a bucket.
(humming maliciously)
(chuckles)
Oh, this is going to be so great.
I think I know that guy.
He ran over the Dean five years ago.
Punch up that picture.
All right, now age the picture five years.
That's him. Good work.
Now, let's see who's having sex at the library.
Aw, they scrambled it.
So when Dean Peterson opens his door
This bucket of super glue is going to drop right on his head.
What the...?
Oh... (grumbling)
Oh, real original. Who did this?
Kappa Gamma Tau.
Last in grades, first in pranks.
(laughing)
Good evening, gentlemen.
Oh, that's it. You're through, Dean.
(yelling)
Now who's the Dean?
(Bart grunting)
Oh... Sorry, dad, it just won't budge.
I tried greasing the bucket with bacon fat
but your father kept eating it.
Oh, couldn't you try a non-delicious fat?
(crying) Oh... there's no such thing.
(X-ray machine whirring)
Hmm... I'm afraid it's hopeless.
Beneath that bucket, he's more glue than man.
So he's stuck like this forever?
Oh, now don't fret.
These days, the victims of comedy traumas
or "Traumedies" can still lead rich, full lives.
Hi!
(laughing)
Sorry, but these guys crack me up.
What guys? I want to see the freaks.
OK, hang on, Homer. Two eye holes coming up.
Easy... Easy! Too far.
Homer, maybe I should drive.
What? I can see fine.
(horn blaring)
TRUCK DRIVER: Woah!
(kids screaming)
HOMER: That had nothing to do with the bucket.
Oh... where are we?
(music playing)
"Brother Faith's Revival"?
WOMAN: Pray for the healing love of Brother Faith.
Whoo! Good Lord.
Oh, I feel it in my belly now, Springfield.
-Mmm... Can you feel the power? -ALL: Yes!
-Do you want to be saved? -ALL: Yes!
Now, correct me if I'm incorrect
but was I told that it's untrue
that people in Springfield have no faith?
-Was I not misinformed? -(mumbling)
The answer I'm looking for is "Yes."
ALL: Yes!
♪ Now let's hear it for the Holy Spirit ♪
♪ No need to fear it ♪
♪ Just revere it ♪
♪ He works in heaven ♪
♪ That's 24-seven, that's right ♪
♪ Check the bible, yeah ♪
♪ John 02:11, jump back, feel it, feel it ♪
Wow. He dances better than Jesus himself.
What ails you, my son?
I done spraint my elbie-bone
so it goes in the opposity di-rection.
The power of faith compels you! Heal!
-Take that, Satan. -Praise the Lord.
ALL: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
It was a miracle and it was gross. Cool.
What affliction be-plagues you, my friend?
(raspy unintelligible whispers)
-Come again? -He paralyzed his vocal cords.
Cramming too many "K" sounds into a punch line.
Oh, mercy, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do for...
-Feel the power! -(choking sounds)
Release this clown!
Have you gone completely fakackta?
Hey, I got my comedy "K's" back.
King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin.
Hey, you gentiles are all right. (loud kiss)
Wow. Is there anything he can't do?
Cure me! Cure me!
Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.
Yeah, and I got a bucket on my head.
Oh... Oh, my.
Satan really jammed that thing on good.
I'm going to need a holy helper. Someone who believes.
-No. -OK, moving on.
I need someone with the power.
This golden-haired little boy.
Son, lay hands upon your father's burdensome bucket.
Now proclaim, "I have the power."
(weakly) "I have the power."
Oh, say it like you mean it, boy.
"I have the power."
"I have the power!"
(all gasps)
-I see the light. It burns! -Hallelujah!
Behold... This child has the power.
ALL: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
HOMER: Uh, miracle boy...
I believe I had hair. Oh, here they are.
Ah, you two were great tonight.
You didn't bite me or anything.
-Oh, how's that little rattle doing? -(rattling)
(chuckles)
Excuse me, Brother Faith. I got to know...
How did you really get the bucket off my dad's head?
Well, I didn't, son... you did. God gave you the power.
Really? Hmmm...
I would think he would want to limit my power.
(chuckles) Oh, yes, Lord.
When I was your age, I was a hell-raiser, too.
My slingshot was my cross.
But I saw the light and changed my wicked ways.
I figure I'll go for the life of sin
followed by the presto-chango deathbed repentance.
Wow, that's a good angle.
But that's not God's angle.
Why not spend your life helping people instead?
Then you're also covered in case of sudden death.
Full coverage. Hmmm...
Then I said, "I have the power!"
And the bucket came off.
ALL: Cool! Wow!
Can you heal me?
I can't breathe good and it makes me sleepy.
I'll give it a whirl, Ralphie boy.
-Devil be gone! -Ow!
-My milk money and my milk. -ALL: Ew!
You did it, Bart.
He really does have the power.
Go forth and spread the word!
-Spread it! -(kids yelling)
Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
Number of miracles performed by Bart-02.
Number performed by Lisa-zero.
How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo?
The bucket came off dad's head
because the bright lights heated it
causing the metal to expand.
"Heat makes metal expand."
Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo?
(grunts) I can't come up with an idea for my homecoming float.
-Do it for me. -What have you got so far?
HOMER: Look at Moe dance ♪ Aloha Moe ♪
That's nice, but maybe your homecoming float
should have something to do with college.
Yeah, you're right.
I think Godzilla's bigger than superman.
Pfft... it's not to scale.
In his letter to the Corinthians
Paul instructed them to send ten copies
to the Thessalonians and the Ephesians.
But the Ephesians broke the chain and were punished...
I got two words for this sermon...
(snores) (whistles)
Am I boring you, Bart?
Well, to be honest, yes.
Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
But church can be fun.
-(all laughing) -No, really.
It can be a crazy party with clouds and lasers and miracles...
And chilIi fries!
A real preacher knows how to bring the bible alive
through music and dancing and tae-bo!
(humming tune)
(congregation cheering)
He's kicking it old school!
Never give them an opening.
Three, two, one, pull!
(grunting)
That exterminator tent will be perfect for your revival meeting.
-(coughs) -Hmm, maybe we should air it out a little.
(whimpering)
(whistling)
Ah, ha. Excuse me, neighbor.
Ah, yeah, I couldn't help but notice
you picked pretty much all of my flowers.
Can't make a float without flowers.
Oh, sure enough
but, uh, did you have to salt the earth
so nothing would ever grow again?
(chuckling sheepishly) Yeah.
(church organ playing)
OK, Springfield!
-How many of you are in horrible pain? -ALL: Yes!
MILHOUSE: Then put your souls together for brother... Bart!
-Satan, eat my shorts! -(all cheering )
(gospel music playing)
♪ I was a sinner a real bad kid ♪
♪ What thou shalt not, I shalt did ♪
♪ Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter ♪
♪ Took a whiz on the school computer ♪
♪ He took a whiz ♪
♪ Oh, yes, he did ♪
♪ But now I've changed you can't deny ♪
♪ Come on up ♪
♪ And testify ♪
♪ Testify, testify ♪
♪ Come on up and testify ♪
My hip's misbehaving.
CHOIR: ♪ Testify ♪
Got a nicotine craving.
CHOIR: ♪ Testify ♪
There's a cramp in my glayving.
CHOIR: ♪ Testify ♪
♪ Testify ♪
Perhaps it's time to fight razzle with dazzle.
(off-key) ♪ Mi... Michael, row... Row... Row the boat... ♪
-Is he killing that guitar, daddy? -Yes, son.
My glasses make me look like a geek.
Now you'll get the girls you seek.
We'll see you at make-out creek.
CONGREGATION: ♪ Bart's the boy of the hour ♪
♪ He's got the power ♪
♪ So raise your voice and don't be shy ♪
♪ Testi... Testi... ♪
♪ Tes... ♪
♪ Ti... ♪
-♪ Fy ♪ -♪ Testify, testify ♪
♪ Come on up and testify ♪
Thank you, Bart, for fixing my vision.
Now I see with total precision.
Song's over, Milhouse, but you're welcome.
(humming)
Nice doggy.
-(brakes screeching) -(loud thud)
Milhouse!
Bury me at make-out creek.
(groans)
Oh, Milhouse, this is my fault. I'm so sorry.
That's OK. You can just heal me again, right?
I don't think I can.
Please?
This cast is real itchy and I tried to scratch
and the fork got stuck in there.
And I think there was some food on the fork.
Ugh. OK, I'll see what I can do.
Heal... Heal. (steady tone)
Oh, it always does that. (grunting)
(beeping)
Milhouse, I can't help you.
I am no healer.
Could you tell my mom I'm here?
Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry
between Springfield-U. and Springfield A&M
spreads like wild fever. This... this is writing?
I'm sorry, uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
(muttering) "Thesaurus"... You'll lose more than that.
In preparation for the big game, Springfield stadium has caught
additional-seating-capacity fever. (chuckles) (growling)
Whoo-hoo! Go S.U.!
A&M is going to kick your ivy-covered butts.
Yeah? Well, you went to a cow college.
Oh, you're only calling us a cow college
'cause we were founded by a cow.
Whoa, Nellie, we have ourselves a barn burner today.
Welcome to the 117th dust-up between
the Snorting Wwine of Springfield A&M
and the Springfield University Nittany Tide.
Oh-ho, doctor, break out the hickory switch.
OK, who needs another lamb rack?
Lisa, Ham hock? Tri-tip?
Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Well, I think the veal might have died of loneliness.
Well, hang on to your hoop-skirts, folks,
because Anton Lubchenko is going to be kicking higher
than a mule on payday.
Oh, Land O'Lakes! Take that, ozone layer!
Oof!
(all grunting)
ANNOUNCER: What a glorious day to be that man's foot.
(kissing)
(whistle blows)
Whoa, Annie get your radar gun!
'Cause that tamale was one tall drink of water.
Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.
(slurring words) You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?
-(buzzer sounds) -Now, ladies and gentlemen
pour a little cider on those peepers
'cause here comes the halftime parade!
(gasping) I forgot my float! Quick! Pass me down!
-(crowd grunting) -HOMER: (laughing) Stop that!
OK, Lis, if they don't have tabbouleh
what's your second choice?
They'll have tabbouleh.
You're the miracle boy with the healing hands
Arr... en't ya?
Nah, I don't do that anymore.
So I guess I'll have to see someone else
about my crippling depression.
(softly) Arrgh.
Wow... And I thought he had it all.
♪ I've had ♪
♪ The halftime of my life ♪
♪ And I owe it all to S. U. ♪
An overdue tribute to halftime itself.
And as those lumbering ships of the gridiron
sail off into our memories
The players return to the field.
HOMER: Wait... hang on!
ANNOUNCER: Then... what's this?
(engine misfiring)
Wait, wait! I got a float, too!
Listen up, 'cause I got to explain a lot it!
(all booing)
Boo?
Hey, look out! He's nuts!
Out of the way, Baryshnikov!
(yelling in Russian)
-(tires screeching) -(all gasping)
He hit the star player!
Dad has the worst luck when he's drinking.
-Now, does this hurt? -Aah!
Just a simple yes or no.
Oh, I only wanted to show my school spirit.
I wagered a large sum on the performance of that scholar-athlete.
(sobbing) No! Wit! I got a kid who's a miracle worker.
He'll heal him up real good.
Well, he'd better, or else...
Or else what?
Oh, right, the ice pick.
Bart, I need a miracle!
Sorry, dad. I can't just magically cure a broken leg.
(Fat Tony clears throat)
(shrieks) Please, Bart!
You've got to use your powers.
I'm begging you.
(Lubchenko groaning)
Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.
-Lubchenko must return to game. -(chuckling)
Oh, your playing days are over, my friend.
But you can always fall back on your degree in...
Communications! Oh, dear Lord!
I know... is phony major. (sobbing)
Lubchenko learn nothing, nothing! (sobbing)
Bart, do your thing.
(gulping) OK, God, if you did give me a power, let it work now...
Not just for me, but for my dad.
Heal, heal, heal!
Oh, doctor, with S.U. behind and seconds left
my supply of homespun sayings
is lower than a doodlebug in aunt Tillie's root cellar.
So we'll...
Oh, jumpin' crawdaddies!
Is that Lubchenko coming back on the field?
(all cheering)
Bart did it! And they're going to try for a field goal!
A field goal? Hmm... 19, 20, 21.
(gasping) That would win the game!
(effort grunt)
(all cheering)
Uh?
(all groaning)
Uh?
(whistle blows)
(all cheering)
I did it! I did it!
My leg... it broke off!
MAN: Yes!
(grunts) (chuckles)
(groans like a guitar)
-Poor guy... he lost his leg. -No, no. No...
The fans will whoop it up with that leg tonight...
You know, drink beer out of it and so on.
But, uh, it'll turn up in the morning
And I'll sew it back on.
Will that really work?
Well, I assume so...
As long as I have Bart's healing powers.
Why won't anybody listen to me?
I don't have any special powers.
I am not a healer.
Fine. More money for me.
(theme music playing)
Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services