(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(jazzy solo)
(chimes)
(tires screech)
(honking horn)
D-oh!
(screams)
(tires screeching)
Welcome to the Magic Palace.
OK, you can park my car but no joyriding.
Mmm.
Wait a minute!
Hello, I'm Questo.
I'll be your waiter and mentalist for this evening.
I'm receiving a drink order...
something foamy...
Is it a bee...
Beer, yes! How did you know?
(groans)
And for the lady, a Long... Island Iced Tea.
-Wow... -Whoa...
They ought to call that a Large Island iced tea.
(laughs)
No, Long is better.
Are you really going to drink that?
Well, maybe a sip.
I don't want to offend our mentalist.
If she doesn't like it I'll just die.
Mmm.
(slurping)
Mm-mm.
Mom, you're missing a great show.
You don't know what I'm missing.
(slurps)
Mm-mm.
I'd like to visit that Long Island place.
If only it were real.
Now, for my next illusion, I'll need a volunteer.
I'll do it!
I always end up doing it.
-HI. -I'm Diablo. What's your name?
Marge.
OK, Marge and who's that gentleman you're with?
That's no gentleman, that's my husband.
(all laughing)
Wow, Mom got a laugh.
I wish she drank every day.
(laughs)
Do we love Marge or what?
Oh, please. I didn't say that for clapping.
-Now, Marge, I have a problem. -Oh, yeah?
You see, the Emperor of China's coming over
and I don't have enough colorful silks.
Oh.
So what I need of you is...
You talk too much. Abraca-blab-ra.
Am I right?
(women laughing)
See, the ladies know what I'm talking about.
(chuckles weakly) Tell you what.
Let's get this ball-gag on you.
There we go
and we'll skip right ahead to the kill-otine.
-(audience gasps) -Whoa, baby!
(drum roll)
(Marge grunting)
Don't worry, Marge.
You won't feel a thing.
You'll feel four things.
(laughter)
He's very good.
(audience gasps)
(chittering)
(audience cheers)
So, she was made of chimps.
Man, magic can do anything.
What happened to Mom?
I'm right here.
(applause)
No! No, get off me.
ANNOUNCER: Folks, this is not part of the act
so please help her out.
Get 'em off me! Get 'em off! Get 'em off!
Cool, a gift shop.
Ages eight to 80... Huh... that's me!
Dad, will you get me this magic kit?
Gee, I wish I could, son
but we've already left the gift shop.
D-ohh!
Wow, it's approved
by the Royal Magic College of Hyderabad.
(scoffs) That's a party magic college.
-It is not. -Ya-huh!
-Nu-uh. -Ya-huh.
Could you cut it out, you two?
Mommy needs some quiet right now.
(all screaming)
What the hell is that?
It looks like a sturgeon.
But where did it come from?
(speaking Russian)
(slapping and arguing continues)
(humming)
(In English) Well, there's your problem.
I know that. How much to fix it?
Ooh, well, that's a foreign fish we're looking at, so $6,500...
plus $3.50.
Oh, I can't afford that.
Maybe I can make some money, Dad.
My magic act is really coming along.
(gasping for air)
(chuckles)
He couldn't breathe.
Step right up. See the Magic Boy.
Witness mystifying feats
that will leave you scratching your head
until it's raw and bloody.
(groans)
-Oh, my goodness. -Whoa!
Come on, pony up, Flanders.
The kid's not turning tricks for nothing.
Oh, no, I could never support the black arts.
Black arts?
Yeah, you know, magic, fortune-telling,
Oriental cooking.
MICHAEL: Hey, you guys.
(groaning)
You're in our spot.
(stammering) OK, we'll move.
But we don't want any trouble, fellas.
Dad, only one of them is real.
-I know, but which one? -MICHAEL: Oh!
Sixty cents?
I would have made more if I'd gone into work today.
Hey, don't blame me.
I got to compete with TV and the Internet.
A good son would come through for his dad.
Yeah, and a good dad
wouldn't miss his son's Little League games.
I told you. I find them boring.
Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions.
Oh! That's it! You can walk home!
(rattling)
Dad, come back! Oh...
I can't walk home with all this stuff.
Ohh!
Poor boy. Here's some money for bus fare.
My father was a monster, too.
Hmm.
Come on, brothers, dig deep.
(rattling)
Stupid non-magical son can't pay to fix my car.
Hey, Homer, check it out!
What the...?
Is that a steak?
Yeah, I know a little place.
Who gave you all this money?
Hmm, people.
I guess they thought I was a charity case.
Really?
Hey, maybe we could do that again.
Can you look even more pathetic?
(whines)
(chuckling) Oh, that's beautiful!
We could make a fortune!
But wouldn't that make us con artists?
Well, yeah, but God conned me
out of 6,500 bucks in car repairs.
So, in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe.
There you go.
We'd be stealing from people we know.
It's just like the seasons.
Sounds good. Want to eat my fat?
I think you know the answer to that.
This book has all the classic cons.
There's "The Pigeon Drop"
"The Ear Wigger," "The Brillstein Grab."
Do they have any father and son grifts?
Well, there's "The Albany Ham Scam."
HOMER: Interesting.
Oh, wait, here we go.
(humming tune)
(humming stops)
What are you doing?
Why are you frosting that old throw pillow?
I could ask you the very same question.
Mm, should I just back out of the room?
Would you?
(Marge humming)
OK, Dad.
Ready for our first con?
You bet.
Let's trim the mark.
Nice use of the lingo, Homer.
10-4, Kemosabe.
(groans)
(humming a tune)
Oh, I love you, too.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Oh!
Oh, excuse me.
Oh. What happened? Where's my cake?
It's all right, isn't it?
Uh...
What have you done, you clumsy little ox?
(gasps) That cake was for your deaf sister.
Sir, it was my fault.
No, no, don't protect him.
You'll work off that cake in the acid mines!
No, no, no, I'll pay for the cake.
Well, you're the mark...
(stammering) of integrity. (chuckles)
Wow, look at all this loot.
What should we buy first?
The singing rubber fish, of course.
There you are.
How was the magic act?
What in the hell are you talking about?
Oh, right, the magic.
The magic was great. It's really the way to go.
How'd you do your act?
You left your magic kit here.
Or so it would seem.
-(Bart chuckling) -HOMER: Suckers.
I don't know, Mom.
I think they're up to something.
Sure looks that way
but at least Bart and Homer are spending quality time together.
Is that a Long Island Iced Tea?
Oh, this? Hmm.
I think it is.
(slurps)
Um, you're a pretty girl.
Here, boy.
Here, doggy.
Oh, where has my little dog gone?
-Oh, you lost your doggy? -Yeah.
I saw him playing in the water, and then he was gone.
He had a bright red leash with bells on it.
Oh, I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
(bells ringing)
Oh, dear Lord.
He's the bestest dog ever.
He's light brown
and he has a spot on him shaped like a heart.
-Sorry, son, but... -I just got to get him back...
or, if not him, a similar dog.
Dog for sale!
(groans) How much for the dog?
-Oh, he's not for sale. -Oh, well.
Although, if the right offer came along...
Here's for the repairs, and a little extra for you.
Hey, thanks, chief.
(groans)
My Bar Mitzvah cake.
Oy, I'll never be a man.
(groans)
-Dad? -Yes, son?
Why are we still grifting?
The car's paid for.
Doesn't that balance out the universe?
In a way but I also remembered some other stuff
like my bike that was stolen in third grade...
plus the baldness.
OK, I'm sold.
(doorbell rings)
Hello, is the lady of the house in?
Oh, no, Homer.
Remember? Maudie got called up to heaven.
Oh, of course, of course.
-It's just that... -What?
Well, before she died
she ordered this Bible especially for you.
(gasps) Why, there's my name in gold.
Now, you weren't home
so we had to pay the delivery man.
Well, I'll just reimburse you right--
Wait a minute.
This seems an awful lot like that movie Paper Moon.
Run, Dad!
(groaning)
-We'll be safe in here. -That was too close.
Maybe it's time to quit the game.
ABE: Amateurs.
-Huh? -Huh?
Dad?
That's right.
You don't smoke a pipe.
That's right.
(coughing)
How'd you get wise to us?
Are you kidding?
They used to call me Grifty McGrift.
I wrote the book on flimflamming.
Wow, he did.
Yeah. In the Depression, you had to grift.
Either that or work.
So, what's the pitch, old man?
Team up with me, boys,
and we'll go for the biggest honey pot of them all.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
I don't know. Fleecing old people?
Oh, why not?
If we don't take their money
they'll just give it to some televangelist.
Let's dust a few fossils.
Now, this scam was in The Sting, Part II
so nobody knows about it.
(whispering) Now as I recall, Jackie Gleason--
Which one of you youngsters is Abe Simpson?
I'm Abe Simpson.
You've just won $10 million
from that publisher's cleary-dealy.
What?
Everybody, come quick.
Abe Simpson is rich!
I can't believe it.
I can finally afford a young, crazy, stripper wife.
(weak cheering)
Yeah, I'm going to get me the craziest, strippiest
most... God... (groans)
He's dead.
(murmuring)
Oh, this is terrible.
Now who do we give the money to?
I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters.
Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks.
Forget it, Ed.
Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big?
Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least $100 a head.
You're right. We'd better just take this check
back for shredding.
No, wait.
We got 100 bucks each.
Hang on.
(people murmuring)
Thank you. No shoving.
That's right, put your money in here.
All of it.
Is that everyone?
What's your problem, sport?
Afraid to be rich?
Hold your horses. I'll get to you.
-FBI. -(yells)
You're under arrest for fraud.
(gasp)
Mm-hmm! (scoffs)
(old man voice) Throw the book at him, sonny.
-D-oh! -Now, where's the inside man?
(grunts)
Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam.
(laughing away)
So, we're under arrest for fraud?
-Yes, fraud. -(whimpers)
Well, this is about the flashiest car
I've ever impounded.
Thanks. Whoo, it took a lot of grifting.
(grunts)
Please, FBI man, don't throw us in jail.
We just made one mistake.
Yeah. We're not criminals.
We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids.
Hmm, OK, I'll tell you what.
I'll let you turn yourselves in.
Maybe they'll go easier on you.
You'd do that for us?
Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake.
Go on in, but I'll be watching.
OK, thank you, sir.
Don't worry, son. I have an idea.
Chief, I'd like to scare my son straight.
Could I show him a jail cell?
Oh, sure.
I'll put you in the Rick James suite.
It's super-freaky.
-OK we're all locked up now. -Yeah.
(muttering) You big idiot.
Excellent.
I guess I'll just be swiping your car now.
-Huh? -Huh?
Oh, and this lovely bag of cash.
So long, suckers. Whoo-hoo!
That's not an FBI badge.
"Colgate Cavity Patrol"?
Oh!
That guy was a grifter.
Yeah, he conned us good.
Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place.
What?
Mom's going to wonder where the car went.
We better have a good story.
Well, lies got us into this mess, son.
From now on, it's honesty all the way.
You were carjacked?
In the church parking lot?
Absolutely.
We had stopped in for a quick prayer when...
Bart, would you call him a crazy man?
Definitely.
Well, crazy about carjacking.
What did he look like?
Um, let's see...
he was foreign, and he had--
Wild, bushy hair, like an animal.
Anything else?
Well, he seemed like a loner.
Kept to himself mostly.
And he said if we went to the cops
he'd come back for Maggie.
(gasping) Oh, dear.
We don't want that.
Anyhoo, the whole nightmare's really made us sleepy.
(melodramatic yawn)
Let's hit the hay.
(Homer snoring)
Homie!
Homie, wake up.
They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker.
Huh?
But that's impossible.
They're arresting him right now.
I did not do it, I tell you!
Uh-oh.
At least let me comb me hair.
It's all wild and bushy.
What do you care, loner?
Wow, look at that.
-But who told the police? -We did.
After we got Maggie to a safe house, of course.
Um, she hasn't touched her Manwich.
WILLIE: You cannot do this to Willie!
I'm innocent, I tell you.
They always say they're innocent.
It's such a turnoff.
Dad, Willie got arrested because of us.
Of course he did, son.
He's a filthy crook.
Now let's all hit the hay.
It's 10:00 in the morning.
I guess you haven't heard of chloroform.
(inhales deeply)
(snoring)
Will you tell the court your whereabouts
at the time of the carjacking?
I was alone in me Unabomber-style shack.
I had nothing to do with that carjacking.
Carjacking?
Who said anything about a carjacking?
(muttering)
But didn't you just say...?
I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Willie!
-Objection! I'm going to allow it.
It characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth.
Let's see how this plays out.
Mr. Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court?
I told you, my memory is fuzzy.
Fuzzy.
Fuzzy, like Willie's beard?
-(spectators gasp) -Yes, exactly.
No, no, I mean the whole incident is hazy.
Hazy, like the moors of Scotland?
-(spectators gasp) -Yes, exactly!
(all murmuring)
Oh.
(sniffing)
Hey! Mountain Dew?
Oh.
Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a verdict?
(clears throat)
I believe we was promised five dollars a day.
All right, then. Guilty.
(sobbing)
JUDGE: Carjacker Willie,
I sentence you to ten years in prison.
(spectators gasp)
Dad, tell them.
When the time is right.
Ten years? But I didna do it.
Sure, you didna.
Now, let's get you to Attica, and we can...
No!
You'll never send me up the river!
Dad...
Let's see where he's going with this.
(clamoring)
-(gunshot) -(gasps)
Willie, as your employer, I insist that you...
-(gunshot) -Ow!
Stop!
This has gone on just long enough.
Nobody carjacked me.
I tried to pull a con, and got conned myself
and then I lied to you all.
(sobbing)
So did Bart.
(resumes sobbing)
OK, players.
That's a wrap.
(cheers and applause)
BOTH: Uh?
Nice work, everybody.
Wait a minute.
This whole thing was a setup?
But Skinner got shot!
Yup, blanks and a blood pack.
Hey, watch it.
I look like cable TV.
What about that bullet hole in your hair?
Squibs.
(chuckling) Yeah, we hornswoggled you good.
What about the guy who took my car?
Devon Bradley,
character actor, dancer, singer.
I'm a triple threat.
He's doing Dreamcoat at the dinner theater.
I can't believe everyone was in on it.
Willie wasn't!
Wait a minute. You're telling me
the police force, the TV news
a courthouse full of people and a popular entertainer
had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson?
I know it seems far-fetched even insulting to your intelligence
but there's a simple and highly satisfying explanation.
You see...
Hey, everybody! Surf's up!
(cheers and applause)
Cowabunga!
Whoo!
(surf music playing)
Hey, hey!
(groans)
-Ah! -(music continues)
-(murmuring) -Shh!
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services