(theme music playing)
CHORUS: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
(bell ringing)
(whistle blows)
(beeping)
(playing the blues)
(tires screeching)
(honking horn)
(tires screeching)
D'oh!
(tires screeching)
(Homer grunting and screaming)
MAN: Hey, kids, look who's making breakfast.
BOTH: Itchy and Scratchy?
That's right, kids.
Never start the day on an empty stomach.
(gags)
It's delicious.
Want to try?
-Yay! -Yay!
(Scratchy grunting)
Ooh, so cold.
Wow, pink daggers.
Green hatchets.
Yellow ice picks.
And Stabby-Oh's are part of this nutritious breakfast.
Hey, if you guys made breakfast, where's Mom?
MOM: Here I am...
but thanks to Stabby-Oh's, most of me is still in bed.
That ad campaign may have crossed a line.
Ah, what can you do? Sex sells.
(Marge groans) Homer, you're still here?
You should've left for work an hour ago.
They said if I come in late again, I'm fired.
I can't take that chance.
And, kids, you're going to miss the school bus.
(gasps) It's only two blocks away.
(both gasping)
(both groaning)
(Marge groaning)
But I got to spit.
You can spit on the bus.
Uh, Mom...
Not now, Lisa.
Chew, chew, chew.
Swallow, swallow, swallow.
(choking)
(coughs)
Mmmm.
(panting)
(honking horn)
Aw, darn.
Looks like we'll have to stay home today.
Not on my watch.
-(car horn honks) -Stop!
Oh, you want to drag?
CHILDREN: Yay!
(gasps and groans)
I'm not racing!
It's me, Marge Simpson!
No, you eat my dust.
(cheers)
(tires screeching)
Woah, it's like Speed 2
only with a bus instead of a boat.
(horn honking)
(yelps)
(tires screeching)
I did it!
I caught the school bus!
Now, hurry up and get on.
But, Mom, the school's right here.
I won.
Don't take that away from me.
(hydraulics whooshing)
OK, everybody off.
Oops, almost forgot.
Picking up a new kid today.
-CHILDREN: Whoa! -CHILD: Oh, neato.
-New kid... -Wow...
a new kid!
I wonder what they're like?
(sighs)
(moaning)
(sighs)
(bleating)
(giggling)
(grunts)
Red hair?
What's she trying to pull?
Those shoes look Canadian.
She'll never fit in.
Oh, it's tough being the new kid.
Someone should go talk to her.
Yeah, somebody should.
"One-hour dry cleaner"?
Man, that's fast.
Kids gone?
Yep.
It's great to have some time just to ourselves, huh?
You read my mind.
So...
this coffee's good, huh?
Yeah.
The, uh... the milk really takes the edge off.
You know, I think our marriage is
(door bell rings) BOTH: I got it! I got it!
-No, I got it! -No, I do!
Your baby is dead.
(gasping)
That's what you'd hear, if your baby fell victim
to the thousands of deathtraps
lurking in the average American home.
(sighs)
"Springfield Baby-Proofing"?
(sighing) You-you really scared us.
Sorry about that, but the truth is
your baby, Maggie Simpson, is dead...
(gasping)
dead tired of baby-proofers
who don't provide a free estimate.
Let's start in the kitchen.
Now, pretend I'm a baby.
[mumbles]
(baby-talk): Me like to explore.
That's a pretty big caboose for a baby.
Homer. Don't be... Wow, that is huge.
(baby talk continuing): Ooh...
pretty colors.
Me want to drink.
(straining and groaning)
(banging)
(sputtering)
(grunting)
(grunts)
(gasps) She got it open.
You see how quickly your baby could've been drinking
this... "Similac Baby Formula"?
No!
(grunts)
(murmurs)
This is such an eye-opener.
I always pictured the kids dying in the living room.
OK, with the window bars, toilet latches, dingo alarm
and grapefruit-squirt shield, your total cost would be...
Wow, I'm rich.
$3.00? That doesn't seem so bad.
That's the price of the clipboard.
Here's your estimate.
Mm-hmm. Mm.
(screaming)
(grunts)
We don't need your high-priced safety junk.
Thank you.
Look at the new kid hogging the teeter-totter.
It's like she owns the place.
Yeah, she thinks she's Babe: Pig in the City.
Give her a break.
Remember your first day at school?
Not as long as I keep taking these.
Well, someone's got to make her feel welcome.
Hi, there.
My name's Lisa.
What's yours?
(grunts)
(Lisa groaning)
Now, don't feel bad, honey.
Did you know back in grade school
I had a bully problem myself?
♪ Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting ♪
(playing accompaniment)
♪ Those cats were fast as lightning ♪
Good times.
(Lisa groans)
Why don't you try reaching out to this new girl?
See if you two have a common interest.
Hmm. Well, lots of people like jazz fusion.
(complex saxophone solo)
OK, that's in the "maybe" file.
What if you two bond over your Malibu Stacey dolls?
They're not dolls, they're aspiration figures.
But it might work.
That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us
safety covers for the electrical outlets.
But I'll just draw bunny faces on them
to scare Maggie away.
She's not afraid of bunnies.
She will be.
Uh, Francine?
I think we got off to a bad start so...
Hey-- you like Malibu Stacey, too?
Oh, yeah.
(gasps) And you like the same one I like--
with the "Grad-student Glamour Pack"
just like the one in my...
locker.
That's mine, isn't it?
Tastes like yours.
(whimpering)
How about jazz?
Do you like jazz?
MILHOUSE: I like jazz.
Milhouse? She got you, too?
Yeah. But it's not so bad--
I'm standing on Ralph.
We're a totem pole!
(chanting): Hiya, hiya, hoya, hiya!
(whistling)
And, and, there.
See, honey, Daddy's protecting you
from all the sharp scary things.
-Here, hold this a sec. -(Maggie coos)
-(nail gun firing) -Ow!
Oh, my...
(cooing)
Oow!
OK, Maggie, put it down.
-D'oh! O-OK, now. -(giggling)
Put-- D'oh!
It--
down. D-ohh!
Oh! (laughs)
OK, that's quite enough.
It's not funny anymore.
D-ohh! D-ohh!
(gasping)
No, no, no!
Oh, Homie.
Ow.
Ooh! Ow, ow, ow.
Now do you realize how unsafe the American home is?
Baby accidents occur every three minutes.
I'm the one who told you that.
Yeah, but this is me talking.
Look, I've already encased the telephone in concrete.
How are you supposed to dial?
Reach into these holes.
I use a carrot.
Isn't that a little excessive?
I mean, how are the buttons dangerous?
Baby could order poison.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
MALE CLERK: Poison Delivery Service.
A gift basket of poisons is on its way.
Oh, I'm a horrible mother.
Of course you are.
Marge, I've finally discovered the reason God made me...
to protect his tiniest, most breakable creatures.
And I've got to share that gift with the world.
-Ow! -(Marge gasps)
Get her out of here.
(Nelson grunting)
Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself, huh?
Why you throwing tomatoes at yourself?
Your very question is faulty.
You're faulty.
Knock-knock...
What do you want?
Would you bullies be interested in some bodyguard work?
Oh, this is so funny.
We were just talking about moving into protection.
We're offering a recess-and-lunch package
that's very affordable.
Well, I'm going to need full coverage.
My bully is highly aggressive.
Check out these Indian burns.
-Good technique. -Wow, check it out.
Triple twist. Nice work.
You sure this was done by hand?
Yeah, she's a real purist.
She?
Sorry, we don't do girls.
They bite and kick and scratch.
And sometimes we fall in love.
(all sigh)
Wow... there's so much I don't understand about bullying.
Yeah... there's a lot of history there.
Did you know it predates agriculture?
-Mm-hmm. -Let's walk.
Finish the job.
(grunting)
I just don't understand Francine's motivation.
Whoa!
Whaa!
(humming)
Why does she only go after the smart ones?
That's like asking the square root of a million.
No one will ever know.
Someone will.
I'm going to crack the bully code.
♪ Oh, dee, doo, doo ♪
♪ Savin' those babies ♪
♪ And the soft spots on their heads ♪
♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
Problem, a pointy deity.
And I've got the perfect solution.
Oh, thank you.
No more Shiva-related pokings.
Yeah, you know down the line, you might want to switch
to a nice, round Buddha.
Oh!
But... we are Hindu.
So am I, but I don't get all huffy about it.
MALE SINGER: ♪ Just had a whim ♪
♪ To go take a swim ♪
♪ Out on a limb ♪
♪ Just haul off and jump right in ♪
♪ Slow down, buckle up ♪
♪ Take the time, rehearse ♪
♪ Always... ♪
♪ Safety first ♪
(indistinct chattering)
Ach! 'Tis a mighty puddle of puke.
I'm sorry.
Ah, that's all right, lad.
It reminds me why I got into this business.
Willie, I need to see the school security tapes.
Security tapes? There's no security tapes.
It's hard to miss the cameras.
Aye... Willie's a stinkin' liar.
Why does the school need to watch us all the time?
School?
Oh, here's the tape I need.
Oh, my God!
That roll of towels is nearin' the end!
Ach! It's on double red stripe!
How did she know I was there?
Hey, that time she looked right at me and didn't touch me.
Hmm...
Of course! The nose clip.
Hey, Willie, I think I'm on to something.
Check this out.
Not talking, eh, Willie?
Just listen, then.
I think I figured out
what sets off that big ape, Francine.
Willie?
Willie? Whoa!
(punches landing)
Yeah!
(all panting and grunting)
Come on, people.
Move it. I want to see some sweat.
I am not mastering another stair
until you explain the purpose of this monstrous experiment.
I believe the key to bully-nerd antagonism
lies in your drippings.
Then I shall drip like a pot roast.
Excellent.
Now don't mind the squeegee.
Ah.
Ah, the scraping seems wrong
but it feels so right.
And so, as Heavyweight Champion
recognized by nine of the forteen sanctioning bodies
I sincerely urge you all to stay in school.
Uh, thank you.
Thank you, Drederick Tatum. That was truly a K.O...
knockout oration. Heh.
Need a ride home?
You really don't want that. Trust me.
Mr. Tatum...
do you mind if I swab you with this damp rag?
No, not at all. Swab away.
Whoa, whoa.
Nobody mentioned a beaker.
Please? It's for science.
Oh, for science. In that case, proceed.
Lisa, this is outrageous. Explain yourself.
Shh, it's working. Look.
Nelson, what are you doing?
I don't know.
I can't help myself.
Hey, cut it out. I insist that you desist.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Yes.
Oh, please, don't hurt me.
You leave me little recourse.
ANNOUNCER: And now, the Estrogen Network presents, Afternoon Yak.
(applause and whistles)
Men...
(booing)
Canceled.
The safe-baby craze.
It's sweeping Springfield, thanks to one crusading parent.
That's me. Safety dance.
♪ You can dance ♪
♪ Everybody look at your pants ♪
But while Homer Simpson has made our babies safe
he's made our infant-related businesses cry.
All the way away from the bank.
How are your baby crutch sales?
Uh, terrible, Kent.
And cartoon-character Band-Aids?
Forget about it.
Look at this baby.
Not a scratch on him. And I got boat payments.
The dream is over.
-Shut her down, boys. -(squeals)
Dear God, what have I done?
Babies of Springfield, we need your help.
Please.
Skin your knees.
Put dice up your nose.
Let cats sleep on your face.
The problem?
Constant flying saucer attacks.
(buzzing sound)
The solution?
And thus, the earth is saved.
-MAN: That's a winner, Steve. -WOMAN: Marvelous.
That's quite an act to follow, Lisa.
I know, and the crowd is so distinguished.
The inventor of the walkie-talkie is out there.
Where?
Third row, near the aisle.
(gasps) Ooh, your right. And that's not his wife.
(indistinct voices)
Scientists... scientists, please.
Looking for some order...
some order, please... with the eyes forward
and the hands neatly folded.
and the paying of attention.
Pi is exactly three.
(gasping)
Very sorry that it had to come to that.
But now that I have your attention
we have some exciting, new research
from young Lisa Simpson.
-Let's bring her out and pay attention. -(scattered applause)
MAN: She's just a little girl...
... in the larval stage...
Let's not listen...
(clearing throat)
My study is entitled
"Airborne Pheromones and Aggression in Bullies."
Bullies? Where?
For as long as there have been smart people
there have been bullies to prey on them.
From Galileo...
To Sir Isaac Newton...
and even in the animal kingdom.
But why do the brawny prey on the brainy?
-Is it jealousy? -Yes. Yes. Of course, yes.
No. The reason is chemical.
No, no. That's not possible.
That's impossible. Chemicals are our friends.
She's a witch.
Please, Dr. Koop, let me demonstrate.
(wheels squeaking)
This is my test subject, Francine.
(growls)
(gasping)
I'd like to thank her parents for helping with the caging.
Let me out of here!
I have isolated the chemical which is emitted
by every geek, dork and four-eyes.
I call it "Poindextrose."
Woo-hoo! Simpsons rule.
Sorry.
(growling) You're dead, nerd.
The bully has caught my scent, and she's at maximum rage.
Professor Frink?
(grunting)
Very well, Lisa, I'll just finagle the...
(audience gasping)
Are you mad, Frink? Put down that science pole.
(door squeaks)
(screams)
Huh?
My God, she stopped in her tracks.
The little girl's invented some sort of bully repellent.
-Yes, yes, you're right. -Let's not listen.
Actually, it's just ordinary salad dressing.
So that's where that went.
The pungent vinegar and tangy Roquefort block
the smell receptors, rendering the bully harmless.
-Oh, wonderful. -Oh.
Wonderful.
Congratulations, Lisa.
You are truly the standout
of this year's Big Science Thing.
A gift certificate from J.C. Penney?
Yes, you'll love their slacks.
(laughs)
Oh, honey, we're so proud of you.
So, all her bullying was just to get some attention?
No, Dad.
Didn't you listen to anything I said?
Just to get some attention.
FRINK: Lisa, help.
(Francine grunts)
The repellent's all gone.
Don't worry. She'll punch herself out.
Suck fist, Doctor Dork.
Someone's going to sleep well tonight.
(laughing)
(grunting)
-MARGE: What a cutie. -Look at her pound that nerd.
(grunting)
(sniffing)
(screams)
♪ I'm feelin' free I'll go climb a tree ♪
♪ Oh monkey me, I'm just like a chimpanzee ♪
♪ But it's way too high and so this time I'll just pretend ♪
♪ Ah, and then I will live to climb again ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
♪ Ah, just remember ♪
♪ Always Safety First ♪
Captioned by Visual Data Media Services