1
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The Simpsons.

2
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Now, before we eat,

3
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Let's remember what
we're celebrating today.

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After many years of hard work, your
father finally paid off the mortgage.

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See you in hell, document.

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Yay.

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All right, Dad.

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Way to build equity.

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Now remember to eat smart,
people. Go for the fancy foods.

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Don't let them fill you up
with that cheap stuff.

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A roll, sir?
Screw you.

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Oatmeal?

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Smoked salmon!
Shrimp! Crab legs!

14
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I win.

15
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Thinner. Thinner.

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Thinner. Thinner. Too thin.

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Better luck next time,
"Tommy. Virginia Beach."

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You ate meat. You ate meat.

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You ate fruit. You ate fruit.

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Stow it, you two.

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Stop making a scene!

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How rude!

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What do I have to do
to enjoy a Sunday brunch

24
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with my secret other family?

25
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I've never been
so embarrassed.

26
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And the worst part is, this is
brunch, so you've ruined two meals.

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I'll see you all at lupper.

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Why did I ever have kids?

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I could have written symphonies
or been Shakespeare.

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Here, Homer. Have a big,
frosty mug of forget-about-it.

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I wouldn't drink that.

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From the looks of this place,
it might kill you.

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Oh, who are you,
the health inspector?

34
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Yes.

35
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My God, look at this filth.

36
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I ought to close
this dump down for good.

37
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But then where would I go
to get away from my wife?

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Come here, Moe, you
beautiful, hideous troll.

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Guys, this is Frankie
from the Health Department.

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We go way back.

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Lenny, you don't
have to hide that rat.

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Off you go, little fella.

43
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When we were kids,

44
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our dads used to get drunk and
make us fight each other. Huh? Huh?

45
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My pop would buy me a malted for
every tooth of Moe's I knocked out.

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That time you blinded me,
he gave you a bike.

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That sure was
a good-sounding bike.

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Well, now to give this place
a thorough inspection.

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"Free from infestation?"
Check.

50
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"Sanitary utensils?" Check.

51
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"Food hygienically stored?"

52
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Only one way to find out.

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Oh, my God, he's dead.

54
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Okay, which one of you guys
parked in front of the hydrant?

55
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Uh, look, I didn't see
nothing here, okay?

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Just a bunch of innocent guys,
sitting around, none of them dead.

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Buy yourselves a nice dinner.

58
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So, uh, Mr. New Guy,
what do you think?

59
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,881
Is everything
hunky-dory there?

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Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is
rife with health code violations.

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You gotta be kidding me.
Like what?

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Well, for starters, the body of
my predecessor is still on the floor.

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Oh, yeah. Uh, well, you see,
trash day ain't till VVednesday, so...

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Chicken skins
in soap dispenser,

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cigarette butts in the air,

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toilet on the roof.

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I'm shutting you down
till you fix these violations.

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Oh, man, I can't afford
to fix all that stuff.

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Oh! Nuts.

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If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the john.

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Oh, Danny boy.

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The pipes
the pipes are calling.

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From glen to glen.

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And down the mountainside.

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The summer's gone.

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And all the roses falling.

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'Tis you, 'tis you must go.

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And I must bider.

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"Moe's, a tribute.

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"'M' is for Moe,
the owner of Moe's.

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"'0' is for the '0'
in the middle of Moe's.

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"'E' is for ex-ceptance,

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"The feeling I
always got here at Moe's."

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Oh, Moe! Don't let
them close you down.

85
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Oh, it's too late. I don't have
the cash to clean up the bar.

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From now on,
you guys are just gonna

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have to do your
drinking across the street.

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I just can't get you
out of my head.

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Hey, a beer's a beer.

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Oh, I can't go
to a gay bar.

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I'm too fat.

92
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Moe, I'm going to help you reopen
your bar, no matter what it takes.

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Mr. Simpson,
for a loan this big,

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you'll have to put up
your house as collateral.

95
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Put up my house? But I just
paid it off. What would Marge say?

96
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Do whatever you have to do
to save Moe's. I love my Homie.

97
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Okay, honey,
I'll do it.

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What's going on here?

99
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Nothing. Nothing.

100
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Thanks, Homer. No one's
ever trusted me before,

101
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except for that one guy
who shouldn't have.

102
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That was me.
Oh, yeah.

103
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Homer, those cuckoo-birds
at the bank goofed up

104
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and sent us
a mortgage statement.

105
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Marge! How dare you open a
letter addressed to both of us!

106
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"M631700000642J"? This is
a new loan tracking number.

107
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You got a new mortgage?

108
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I had to, or Moe's would
stay closed forever.

109
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You gave the money to Moe?
How's he going to pay us back?

110
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Look, look,
I can see you're upset.

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If you need me,
I'll be at Moe's.

112
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Well, maybe I'll go to Moe's
too, seeing as I'm now part owner.

113
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Marge, you can't
go with me to Moe's.

114
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I mean, how would you like it if I
came with you to your mother's?

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I would like it. You never
come to my mother's.

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That's because
I hate her.

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Until you pay us back,
you're answering to me.

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And there's going
to be big changes.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now, wait just a minute.

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One thing Moe Szyslak
has never had is a partner.

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Nor a wife, a friend,
a chum, a casual acquaintance,

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a pen pal, a parrot,
a meaningful conversation,

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a brief hug or eye contact.

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I'm just going to call
the suicide hotline now.

125
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And they've blocked my number.
Oh, God!

126
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Just made it!

127
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Quitting time!

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Boy, I can't wait to get
my lips around an ice cold...

129
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Marge?

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I'm here protecting
our investment.

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I'd like you to go home
and make dinner for the kids.

132
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But I don't wanna
take care of the kids.

133
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How many cigars are
they allowed to have?

134
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Bart sleeps
in the microwave, right?

135
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Quit playing dumb.

136
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How many magic beans
should I sell the baby for? Three?

137
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That's me, jerk-ass Homer.

138
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Come on, go home.

139
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Maybe some
cheerier paint would

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make this place
less of a "dive."

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Marge, my customers
don't like themselves.

142
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Therefore,
they seek the darkness.

143
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Well, as fabulous
as your regulars are,

144
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a remodel might bring in
a higher class of lush.

145
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Look, I like Moe's
the way it is, all right?

146
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And I ain't changing it for any
dame, skirt, Susie-Q or face-macer.

147
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I had a feeling
you'd say that,

148
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so I prepared something that
might help you change your tune.

149
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This place is a diamond
But it's trapped in the rough.

150
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Yeah, well, the sign still says
"Moe's" So enough of your guff.

151
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Here's my new idea
To sell both beer and grub.

152
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We will turn
this filthy dive.

153
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Into a proper,
old-time British pub.

154
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A British what?

155
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Darts and meat pies
And lager in pint glasses.

156
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What a classy way
To get drunk off your asses.

157
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Hey, hold the phone. An
English pub. Thatjust might work.

158
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In song.

159
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My bar could be British
Instead of arm-pittish.

160
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So why don't we all...

161
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Ah, screw it.
Let's get renovating.

162
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Well, I was thinking more
like drapes and a paint job,

163
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But your idea's good, too.

164
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Thanks.

165
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Pint of ale, my dear?

166
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,006
Well, thank you,
Your Honor.

167
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,765
You know,
you're kind of sexy.

168
00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,808
That's a deliberate
misstatement of fact.

169
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But I'll allow it.

170
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My first credit card. Wow,
the numbers are all bumpy-like.

171
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,724
So, Mr. Boswell, what do
you think of the new Moe's?

172
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:58,845
Marge Simpson and Moe Szyslak,
here's a mash note to your bangers.

173
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I wish you could
live in me forever.

174
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Thanks, freakazoid.

175
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I'd just like to say
that there's one person

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to whom I really owe my
newfound success, Marge Simpson.

177
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Thanks, Moe.

178
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Dad, Mom's spending more
time at Moe's than you are.

179
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And they seem
awfully chummy.

180
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Just what are
you inferring?

181
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:21,001
I'm not inferring anything.
You infer. I imply.

182
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Woo. That's a relief.

183
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,406
Boy, what a night!

184
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,967
Moe showed me how to
give someone the bum's rush.

185
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Here, watch.
Get lost, rummy!

186
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,201
Ah, yes, Detroit-style.
Very nice.

187
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,807
So, you've been at Moe's
every night this week.

188
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,248
I know. I used to think of Moe as
a scabby, dead-eyed hunchback,

189
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,881
but now that I've gotten to
know him, we kind of bonded.

190
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,201
Bonded? How many times?

191
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,762
Homer, Moe and I
are just work friends.

192
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,730
You and I are
marriage friends.

193
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,485
Thanks, honey. My mind
is completely at ease.

194
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,331
Hey, it's me.

195
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,680
Moe! What's up, partner?

196
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,286
Marge, sorry to call you so
late, but I had a great idea.

197
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,922
Put cutesy signs outside the
restrooms that say "Dukes" and "Dames".

198
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,650
Instead of the ones
we have now

199
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,404
that say "Stand-Ups"
and "Sit-Downs."

200
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,403
Huh? Tell me honestly.
What do you think?

201
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,767
Ooh. That's a great idea.

202
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,923
Thanks. Wait, are you sure
I'm not interrupting anything?

203
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,526
Of course not.
I'm in bed with Homer.

204
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,126
Also, I want to go
with the green tablecloths.

205
00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,841
Well, I might as well use
this pucker for something.

206
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,648
Coming this summer
from DreamWorks.

207
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,965
Fifty-two jokers playing
the game of their lives.

208
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,089
I don't wanna be a three!
I wanna be a seven!

209
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,925
Shut up, kid. You're as crazy
as an eight, I'm telling you.

210
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,082
With Eddie Murphy
as the Jack of Clubs.

211
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,881
You don't understand, Officer.
I thought that king was a queen.

212
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:24,166
This summer, the house is full
and the deuces are wild!

213
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,486
In "Cards!"

214
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,608
Hey, Jack, you got any twos?

215
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,411
You can't handle the twos!

216
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:36,168
Oh, Marge, don't you love it when
our hands meet in the popcorn tub?

217
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,247
Hey, Marge!

218
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,481
Howdy, partner!

219
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,164
Why don't you
sit next to us?

220
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,244
Hey, Moe. Haven't
seen you in a while.

221
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,004
Yeah. How you
doing there, Homer?

222
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,162
Did you ever pass that
G.I. Joe you swallowed?

223
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,287
How do you know
about that?

224
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,964
Oh, Marge told me.
We share everything.

225
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,041
You do?

226
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:58,644
Don't worry.
They're just friends.

227
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,364
There's nothing
physical between them.

228
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,046
Homer, can you hold my
wedding ring for a second?

229
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:04,645
My finger's itchy.

230
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:08,850
Uh-oh. I'm gonna have to work
on my marriage. Or alternatively...

231
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,561
Something wrong, Homer?

232
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,608
Well, I'm worried
about Marge and Moe.

233
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,170
They've developed
an intimate bond.

234
00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:22,210
Of thoughts and feelings
completely separate from me.

235
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:25,807
But it's not physical.
So everything's great, right?

236
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,531
Homer, it's time you
learned the sad truth.

237
00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,807
Can I learn it
at a happy place?

238
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,361
Moe and Marge are having
an emotional affair.

239
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,363
Although there's no
physical intimacy,

240
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:39,880
there's a deep
spiritual connection.

241
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,416
That threatens to
destroy your marriage.

242
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,010
What do I do?

243
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,321
Engage her feelings,
become a friend.

244
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:48,290
Get her a LIFE Magazine
from the week she was born.

245
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,805
I'll always treasure mine.

246
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,528
You're absolutely right!

247
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:56,090
Stop this ride!

248
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,924
You're the boss!

249
00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,401
I want to go again, Daddy!

250
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:07,527
Daddy?

251
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,890
Marge, my darling!
Thank God you're home!

252
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:13,122
I've been dying to
hear your feelings!

253
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,806
Oh, I'm too tired to talk.

254
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:18,042
Well, I can go
all night, baby.

255
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,327
I could listen to you two,
maybe three times.

256
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:24,441
Homie, I'm tired. I have to
get up early to catch my flight.

257
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,010
Catch your flight?

258
00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,525
Moe and I are going

259
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,125
to the Tavern and
Restaurant Owners.

260
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,049
Convention in
Aruba this weekend.

261
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,768
Don't you ever listen to me?
I told you 10 times.

262
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,280
Cuckold! Cuckold! Cuckold!

263
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,691
What's a cuckold?

264
00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:02,285
Where's Mom
going with Uncle Moe?

265
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,489
He's only your emotional
uncle! I'm your real uncle!

266
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,767
Well, if Hollywood movies
have taught us anything,

267
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,730
it's that troubled relationships
can be completely patched up

268
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,404
by a mad dash
to the airport.

269
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:13,527
I'm off!

270
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,731
Folks, welcome to No
Frills Airlines' flight to Aruba.

271
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,968
Safety instructions are $2.

272
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:23,688
If you require wheelchair assistance,
you picked the wrong airline. Ha-ha.

273
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,923
You know, Marge, I've really
enjoyed you working at the bar.

274
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,369
Me, too, Moe. What a nice
surprise that we've become friends!

275
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,291
Yeah. Oh, Marge,
I'm so in love with you.

276
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,001
And tonight, after some surf and
turf and a bottle of champagne,

277
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,320
maybe some Snickers pie,

278
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,051
I'll explain how the hotel
made a little mistake,

279
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,602
And we got to stay in
the same room. Oh, yeah!

280
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,047
Moe, your upper lip
is trembling.

281
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,964
I'm just excited
because they're showing.

282
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:57,566
An episode of Boy Meets World
on this flight.

283
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,608
Oh, no, wait. That's only
on flights from Europe.

284
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,047
We just get
that little plane.

285
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,760
Hey, wait a minute.
What the hell is that?

286
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,602
Hang on, Marge!
Homie's coming!

287
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,001
I won't let that
man make you happy!

288
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,050
Simpson, you were
going 100 in a 25 zone,

289
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,327
and you're not gonna flirt
your way out of this one.

290
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,051
But I have to get to the
airport to save my marriage!

291
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:26,488
Really? Well, why didn't
you say so? Let's roll!

292
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,927
You didn't work this hard
to save my marriage.

293
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:32,447
Again with that. Wake up, Lou.
She was way out of your league.

294
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,289
Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff.

295
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,531
Time for some
shuba-duba in Aruba.

296
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:48,967
Oh, my God!

297
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,566
Moe, did you see something
troubling on the tarmac?

298
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:52,880
No. Why do you say that?

299
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,403
You got to get
me closer, Chief!

300
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,323
Anything for love!

301
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,607
Okay, time to chase
this pig into the sty.

302
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:09,445
Uh, Marge, you deserve
a man who listens to you,

303
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,443
who respects you,
who understands

304
00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,483
what a treasure
you really are.

305
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:15,324
I don't know what to say.

306
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,564
Just say you love me, Marge.
Love me like I love you. Please?

307
00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:23,810
Marge!

308
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:25,530
That sounds like Homer.

309
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,096
No, it isn't. I don't hear
nothing. You're crazy.

310
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:28,480
Get out of here.
Will you marry me?

311
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,960
Homer! How'd you
get in here?

312
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,451
Toilet hole.

313
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,287
You leave my wife alone!

314
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:36,447
You don't deserve her!

315
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:37,806
You know nothing
about Marge.

316
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:39,086
What's her favorite food?

317
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,924
Uh, ice?

318
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,843
Wrong! It's buttered noodles.

319
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:43,921
He's right.

320
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,369
Oh, it's true. I don't know
Marge at all. I'll just go home now.

321
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,970
Shut it! Shut it!

322
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:02,285
Moe, you've won. I'll
see you at baggage claim.

323
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,646
Hot damn, I won!

324
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,610
Marge, I swear I'll be
the best man you ever had.

325
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,728
It's gonna be all flowers,
and back rubs,

326
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:10,842
and, "How was your
day, dear?" and...

327
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,691
Moe! No,
I don't love you,

328
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,240
and I'm certainly not going
to leave my husband.

329
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,324
You mean I listened to all your
touchy-feely yip-yap for nothing?

330
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,845
I'm afraid so.

331
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,560
At least I had
a couple of sips from your.

332
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,005
Coke when you
went to the bathroom.

333
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,324
Homie...

334
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:31,291
Marge, I just want to say, if you
ever feel like cheating on Moe,

335
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:32,441
here's my card.

336
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,722
Homer, I made a vow on our
wedding day to stay by you,

337
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,165
for better or worse.

338
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,204
And besides, I love you.

339
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,726
You're my
Homie-womie-romie-domie.

340
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,485
And you're my
Margie-wargie-bargie

341
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,331
fargie-gargie-margie-
targie-largie.

342
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,691
I may have dodged
a bullet here.

343
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,090
Might as well face it,
I'll never find anyone.

344
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:03,484
Come on tide, take me with ya. I
just don't want to feel no more pain.

345
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,328
Moe, I need to tell
you something.

346
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,085
You showed me you
could be a really sweet guy.

347
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,209
You can make a woman
very happy someday.

348
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,970
Wow. For realsies?

349
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,880
It's true.
You'd be quite a catch

350
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,689
if you'd just shower,
and shave,

351
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,609
and stop swearing
under your breath.

352
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,649
Aw, thanks, Marge.

353
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,768
Know-it-all bitch.

354
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,243
Oh! Uh, did I mention there
was a mistake at the front desk?

355
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,927
Really? Is it one that will change
the sleeping arrangements?

356
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,970
Could be. Could be.

357
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,850
Listen, I got to tell you,
I chew in my sleep.

358
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,410
Yeah, well, I sweat blood.

359
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,482
Good night, both of you.

360
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,370
Who's watching the kids?

361
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,767
Are you sure Mom
and Dad want us

362
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,201
to enter a European
balloon race?

363
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:00,731
Sure. Why not?

364
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,570
Love
Love will keep us together.

365
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,286
Think of me, babe, whenever.

366
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:24,969
Some sweet-talking guy
in a thong hands you a bong.

367
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,123
Don't take a hit
You just got to be strong.

368
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,123
You better stop.

369
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,129
"Cause I want a sandwich

370
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,089
I said stop.

371
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,123
Or maybe
a Manwich...