1
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:06,449
The Simpsons.

2
00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,450
Where's Reverend Lovejoy?

3
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:35,841
He's never been late
for Christmas service.

4
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,730
Maybe he's cheating on us
with the Episcopalians.

5
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:43,362
Look at 'em with their bright, airy
narthex and light, flaky Eucharist.

6
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:46,643
I wouldn't mind dipping
my hand in their font.

7
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:51,891
Christ is born.
Who's on my horn?

8
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,041
Bad news, Ned.

9
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,202
There's been a horrible
train wreck.

10
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:00,369
So many little plastic
Christmases ruined.

11
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,365
You want me to deliver
the Christmas sermon?

12
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:06,011
Oh, I feel like
I'm born-again again!

13
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Don't be nervous, Ned.

14
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You've practiced this so
many times in the shower.

15
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Paper cut!

16
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Now there's no one
to deliver the sermon.

17
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Did anyone order a hero?

18
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Okay, Christmas,
Christmas...

19
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You know how your paperboy always
sends you a Christmas card

20
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:39,570
with his home
address on it?

21
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What's up with that?

22
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I wanted you
to tip me!

23
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No tip till they bring back
Hagar the Horrible!

24
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That's not
my decision!

25
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,527
Oh, it's never
anybody's decision.

26
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Anyhoo, I'd like to tell
you all a little story

27
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I call "The First Christmas."

28
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I for one am dying
to hear it!

29
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A carpenter named Joseph

30
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,726
was about to get some
frankly preposterous news.

31
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Uh, Joseph, you know
I have never lain with a man.

32
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Tell me about it.

33
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And yet, I am with child.

34
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A pregnant virgin?

35
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That's every man's
worst nightmare!

36
00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,441
Hail Mary,
full of grace.

37
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That's not all
she's full of.

38
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Quiet, you.

39
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Mary, you carry in your
womb the Son of God

40
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who will grow up to
become King of the Jews!

41
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So, not a doctor.

42
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Well, he will be able
to heal the sick.

43
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But nothing to
hang on the wall?

44
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,568
King Herod,
we three wise men come

45
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bearing gifts for
the King of the Jews.

46
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We bring gold.

47
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Frankincense.

48
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And myrrh, which I am re-gifting,
'cause who needs myrrh?

49
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Here's the tag.

50
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,401
Thank you.

51
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,005
Which one should
I open first?

52
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,764
This is awkward.

53
00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,161
Uh, the King of the Jews
we seek is a newborn child.

54
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,766
Find this pretender
to my throne

55
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and bring him
to me!

56
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,127
Uh, now you wouldn't
hurt the little boychik?

57
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,089
Of course not.

58
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Kings don't hurt babies.

59
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Giant pointy swords
hurt babies!

60
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Oh, Hoyven
good King Herod,

61
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except you don't really
have the "good,"

62
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so what do you
have really then?

63
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Don't you worry. I got
plenty of rooms in my inn,

64
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all with brand new
carpeting.

65
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I think my water
just broke!

66
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You can have the barn.

67
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Ah, now feel free to come by
the main house for breakfast,

68
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there won't be any.

69
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Just keep pushing, sweetie.

70
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The doctor will
be here any second.

71
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Shalom, everybody!

72
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,886
I've got some
very good news.

73
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Caesar just invented
the caesarian!

74
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,610
Get him outta here!

75
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,888
I knew I'd like him, but I
never dreamed I'd adore him.

76
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,442
I've got the Messiah's nose!
I've got the Messiah's nose!

77
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Give it back! Give it back!
He'll kill us all!

78
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He looks just like his dad.

79
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Not you!

80
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Oh, I'm not the father. I'm not a wise man.
I'm nothing!

81
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This is the worst
Christmas ever!

82
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,481
Hmm? Maybe a little toot off the
old wineskin will cheer me up.

83
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,564
My wine
turned into water!

84
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,762
Who could've performed
such a cruel miracle?

85
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,122
Why you little...

86
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:52,441
Joseph, no!

87
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,324
He has to stay alive
till he's 33,

88
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when he'll be renounced by
his friends and crucified!

89
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Sorry, kid.

90
00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:07,009
Anytime anyone suffers in
the world, he starts crying again.

91
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,491
Can you do something?

92
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,689
Me? But I'm watching
the orange bowl.

93
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:14,287
Now!

94
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,731
Hmm, you like
physical comedy, eh?

95
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:30,926
Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

96
00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:35,171
Ah, wise man. Eh?
Pick two.

97
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,811
Why I ought to...

98
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,881
Now hold still.

99
00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,561
Gnah, gnah, gnah.

100
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,966
I think this non-traditional
household just might make it.

101
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Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
we got a great family.

102
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,044
Now let's get some sleep.

103
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:07,884
Herod is coming
for the child!

104
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,327
Manger danger!
Manger danger!

105
00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,045
The kid you're looking
for is in there!

106
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,496
The other tenants
have been complaining

107
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about the incessant swaddling,
all hours, day and night.

108
00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,202
Gee, Chief, I feel pretty bad
trying to take out a baby.

109
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:23,441
Ah, don't worry, boys.

110
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,603
No one will ever speak
or write of this again.

111
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,888
What a boffo beginning
for my book!

112
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,649
There they go!
I see his head-dealie!

113
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Follow that glow!

114
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They put his halo on a duck.

115
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The oldest trick
in the book.

116
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What the hell
are you doing?

117
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Well, he does have a halo.

118
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Hail, Quackie!

119
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,001
That ought to
spruce things up.

120
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:15,000
What a beautiful
Hanukkah bush!

121
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,646
I say we call it
a Christmas tree.

122
00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:18,767
Aww!

123
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,605
A Christmas tree,
what a great name.

124
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,967
Makes you feel
all warm and fuzzy.

125
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,442
And did you know
that little baby Jesus

126
00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,730
grew up to be Jesus?

127
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:38,201
I know! It's weird,
isn't it?

128
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:48,005
Coming up next, The
Energizer Bunny Christmas Special.

129
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,923
Oh, I don't know why
I'm so run down.

130
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,446
I must be low
on Christmas spirit.

131
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,488
It's because you're
using regular batteries.

132
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,642
You forgot about
Energizer Ultra.

133
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,688
Now let me crawl
inside you.

134
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:03,684
Cold! So cold!

135
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,524
It's Santa!

136
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:10,720
Grampa?

137
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,290
What are you doing
in the chimney?

138
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,727
Trying to kill Santa.
What's it to ya?

139
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:16,165
What do you have
against Santa?

140
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,847
He screwed me
over back in WWII.

141
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,526
I was a Navy pilot
in the Pacific.

142
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,490
Oh, Bart, Why'd you ask him
a follow-up question?

143
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,085
It just slipped out!

144
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,050
Yup. I was a Navy pilot
in the Pacific

145
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,441
along with
my big brother, Cyrus.

146
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,807
Cyrus? You never
mentioned him before.

147
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:37,121
And I'll never
mention him again.

148
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,601
But I loved him
all the same.

149
00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,929
Okay, Abe,
let's win this war quick

150
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,010
so we can go home and slowly
give black folks more rights.

151
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,531
Kamikazes at two o'clock!

152
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,523
Well, I don't usually
drink after lunch but...

153
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:53,601
Oh, my God!

154
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,291
The sky is full of that kind of
plane that crashes into the boat!

155
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,761
Cyrus, you be
careful up there.

156
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,969
No, I'm not worried. Not as long
as I have my good luck charm.

157
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,571
Good thing I stole two of
these off dead soldiers.

158
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,571
Lieutenant, radio my brother and
tell him to watch his tail.

159
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,722
Quiet, you.
I'm talking to my best gal.

160
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,723
I miss you, too, Bernadette.

161
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,805
You hang up first.
No, you hang up first.

162
00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,890
No, you hang up first.

163
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,566
No.
You hang up first.

164
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,364
Cyrus!

165
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,089
You'll pay for that,
you haiku-spouting savages!

166
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:00,043
I wish I tried reefer!

167
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,522
Quit lollygagging
and build a fire.

168
00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:36,125
I don't have
to listen to you.

169
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,123
On this island,
military rank means nothing.

170
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,960
We're in a state of nature where the
strong of will control the weak.

171
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:46,326
How dare you drown the king
of New Burns Island?

172
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:53,491
How'd you like to be the
Archduke in charge of coconuts?

173
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,968
I give up. I give up.

174
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,885
Days turned to weeks.
Weeks turned to months.

175
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,008
Months turned back to days.

176
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,765
Even Burns was starting
to look good to me.

177
00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,164
Hey, sailor.
My eyes are up here.

178
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,806
By Christmas Eve, our
hopes of rescue were fading.

179
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,207
You know, Simpson,
we've had our dust-ups.

180
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,123
So I've made you
a little peace offering.

181
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,642
A shaving kit?

182
00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,846
Is this pomade?

183
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,362
Oh, it's nothing really. Just
seagull brains and snail goo.

184
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:38,444
Thanks, Lieutenant.
Merry Christmas.

185
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,642
Incoming!
Is it one of ours?

186
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,331
Who cares? It's Christmas.
I want to shoot something.

187
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,291
What in the name of the
Tennessee Valley Authority?

188
00:11:57,640 --> 00:11:59,449
Donder! Blitzen!

189
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,249
He's German!
That's good eatin'!

190
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,085
You useless waste of socks!
That ain't no Kraut!

191
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,123
We just shot down
Santie Claus!

192
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,649
Oh! Thank you, boys.

193
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,611
I guess I must've run
into a sudden storm.

194
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,081
Yes, yes.
Everything happens to you.

195
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,561
My sleigh!
It's ruined!

196
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:17,960
Well, we'll get you
up and running

197
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:19,923
or my name ain't
Young Grampa Simpson!

198
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,365
Boys, I'm almost ready.

199
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,364
I'm just missing Prancer.
And Rudolph.

200
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,883
And now to bring joy to boys
and girls around the world!

201
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,208
Ho-ho...
Ow!

202
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:58,601
Damn it!

203
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,603
Sorry, Chuckles.
Change of plan.

204
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,444
This sleigh is my ticket
off this hellhole.

205
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,966
And I'm keeping
all the toys for myself,

206
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,209
because at heart, I'm just a very
wicked child.

207
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,889
You backstabber!
And I let you spoon me!

208
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,528
Let's go, you flying hat rack!

209
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:45,966
Come on, baby.

210
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,564
Somebody should've beat you
with a tricycle years ago!

211
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,884
Thanks for
everything, Abe.

212
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,769
And now I'm off.

213
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,209
I'll be back in a few days
to take you ho-ho-home!

214
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,206
Well, that's the craziest
thing I'll ever see.

215
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,648
Gah! Except for that!

216
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,690
I waited and waited.
But Santa never came back.

217
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,326
If I hadn't invented a jet ski
made of coconuts,

218
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,084
I'd have never
gotten home.

219
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,049
And then when I did,
the war was over

220
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,361
and the nurses
were all kissed out.

221
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,530
That's quite a tale, Grampa.

222
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,125
You little...

223
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:39,964
It's true, I tells ya!

224
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:41,607
It's Santa!

225
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,566
I got an old
score to settle!

226
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,488
Doggone it!
I missed him again!

227
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,721
My brother's lucky watch!

228
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,404
Santa must've left it!

229
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,689
Cyrus, I miss you every day.

230
00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,489
He misses you, too.

231
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,001
He... What... Who?

232
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,606
Your brother didn't
die in the war, Abe.

233
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,328
He crashed into Tahiti. And he
liked it so much, he never left.

234
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,483
And now, if you like,
I'll take you to him.

235
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,927
Will we be back for the
Tournament of Roses Parade?

236
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,081
Probably not.

237
00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,241
Good. I hate that crap.

238
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,521
Yeah. Me, too.

239
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,928
Santa, one thing's
still buggin' me.

240
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,446
Why didn't you ever
come back to pick me up?

241
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:36,923
I kept putting it off. And then
I was just too embarrassed.

242
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,124
Sorry I never called, Abe.

243
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,568
I was too busy
with my 15 native wives.

244
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:50,606
Fifteen! Whoo!
That sounds like a lot of sex.

245
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,688
I said wives,
not girlfriends.

246
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,528
No poko-miku for Cyrus!

247
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,801
Oh, my God!
It's over. We're free!

248
00:16:24,920 --> 00:16:27,207
It's not over!
It's just intermission!

249
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,521
I said we're free!

250
00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:33,530
We're still doing Act Two!
I'll be in the audience.

251
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,683
Boo! This is terrible!

252
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,131
Ugh, I hope I never hear that
God-awful Nutcracker music again.

253
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,567
I don't know, Dad. This time
of year, everybody does it

254
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,640
because you don't have to
pay for the music rights.

255
00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,170
Really?

256
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,608
I've still gotta bake
my Christmas pie.

257
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,048
We gotta get Dad
a lousy tie.

258
00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,724
Christmas crowds
is what I hate.

259
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:56,404
No time left
to procrastinate.

260
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,005
So move your ass
And let me pass.

261
00:16:58,120 --> 00:16:59,724
Because Christmas
Eve is here!

262
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,369
Eh, why is this Santa suit
so snug?

263
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,484
Grr. Why should I care?
It's all humbug.

264
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,489
We jacked my prices
up so high.

265
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,210
But there's no junk
these saps won't buy.

266
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,964
Last year's eggnog,
a green hot dog.

267
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,280
Because Christmas Eve
is here.

268
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,329
These holiday cookies
swell my fat.

269
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,041
Cat.

270
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,565
Even though
we're not Gentile.

271
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,244
We'll get together
for a while.

272
00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,845
To shoot the breeze
And eat Chinese.

273
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,684
Because Christmas
Eve is here! Oye!

274
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,690
Christmas is a family day

275
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:48,330
I told Grampa we'd be away.

276
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,925
He's at the door
Let's hit the floor.

277
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,570
Because
Christmas Eve is here.

278
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,166
Fine! I'll spend Christmas Eve
with the raccoons.

279
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,211
You got me a gift?

280
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,481
Rancid lard?
Aw, you shouldn't have.

281
00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:12,043
Every year at this time, I show what's
probably my most-requested clip!

282
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,167
Roll it, Freddy.

283
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,245
It's the most
wonderful time of the year.

284
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,811
“Give the audience snowballs, “
they said.

285
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,451
"It'll be cute," they said.
Oh...

286
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:36,602
Okay. Time for my annual holiday
tradition, attempting to kill myself.

287
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,211
Hey, watch it!

288
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,245
What's it say?

289
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,564
Hey, Barn, as a special gift to
me this year, will you kill me?

290
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,086
But I already
got you a wool hat!

291
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:14,925
Maybe next year, huh?

292
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,442
Merry Christmas, Homie.

293
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,409
I think you're really
gonna like this.

294
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,010
Oh, that's great.

295
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,004
Now, I'll just get
my present for you.

296
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,482
Which is right
outside the door.

297
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,965
Oh, my God! I forgot to
get Marge a present!

298
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:40,402
I need a present for my
wife or I'll have no sex for life.

299
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,370
Diamond ring, a vase by Ming some
kind of useful kitchen thing

300
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,286
I need a store I can break
into or a place run by a Hindu.

301
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,445
The Christmas rush
has cleaned me out

302
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,648
I just have jerky
made of trout.

303
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,686
I knew you'd forget.

304
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:35,288
So, my gift to you is a
gift for you to give me.

305
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,926
Oh, it's just what
I wanted!

306
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,162
Here, Marge.
This is for you.

307
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:06,811
Oh! Eighteen wheels
and they all missed me!