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CHOIR:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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{\an8}(tires screeching)
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{\an8}D’oh!
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{\an8}(screams)
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♪♪
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HOMER:
Hmm.
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♪♪
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(Homer snoring)
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{\an8}Hmm.
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(sighs)
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What’s the matter,
sweetie?
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Tomorrow’s Multicultural Day
at school.
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{\an8}Now what do they want?
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{\an8}(snoring)
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{\an8}I’ve got to give a presentation
about our family’s heritage,
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{\an8}but ours is so boring.
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{\an8}Yep. The Simpsons
have never married,
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{\an8}or even shook hands,
with anyone interesting.
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{\an8}In a world of 31 flavors,
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00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:57,057
{\an8}we’re the cup of water
they rinse the scoops in.
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{\an8}Grampa out.
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{\an8}Aw, Grampa.
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{\an8}We should take lots of pictures
of him while we still can.
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Camera’s broken!
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(snoring)
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(sad music)
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(chuckling)
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Hey, Lis, check it out.
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{\an8}With some
clever scissor work,
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{\an8}I can make the Lake Land Butter
Indian maiden show me her boobs.
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{\an8}Clean, dirty.
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{\an8}(laughs)
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{\an8}Clean, dirty.
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{\an8}(laughs):
Clean, dirty.
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(laughs)
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Bart, stop that!
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Native Americans
are a proud people
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{\an8}with a noble heritage.
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{\an8}A noble heritage
that anyone can claim.
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Cool!
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Look what Snap’s
doing to Pop
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while Crackle watches!
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(laughing)
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{\an8}"My great-great-great-
great... great-grandmother
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{\an8}was a Native American.
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{\an8}She was a member of the..."
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(music swells)
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{\an8}"...Hitachee tribe."
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{\an8}♪♪
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{\an8}Wait. Is it wrong for me
to appropriate the culture
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{\an8}of a long-suffering people?
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{\an8}I’ll tell you
what’s wrong:
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{\an8}You getting a "C"
on this project
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{\an8}and winding up at
a third-rate college.
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{\an8}Lisa, the world needs you
to go to Wellesley!
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You’re right.
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{\an8}I’ll just need to find
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{\an8}traditional garb.
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(Native American music)
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And so, my proud people
were nearly destroyed
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by the warfare, disease,
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and greed of
the invading Europeans.
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{\an8}I didn’t come here
to be insulted.
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{\an8}Guten tag!
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(dog panting)
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{\an8}Today, the Hitachees
have dwindled to a handful,
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and our detailed
genealogical records
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were cruelly destroyed
by the white man.
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{\an8}So, any attempts
to research my tribe
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{\an8}would be the ultimate insult.
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(clapping)
Splendid, Lisa.
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By far, the best
presentation of the day.
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I’m still proud of what I am.
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{\an8}And you should be.
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{\an8}The city’s
Multicultural Council
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00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,022
{\an8}has invited one lucky student
to perform at City Hall.
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{\an8}Lisa, you’ll be
representing us
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{\an8}and the noble
Hitachee people.
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{\an8}Oh... great!
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{\an8}I’d... love to.
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{\an8}Mm-hmm.
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{\an8}Why did I have to lie
about my heritage?
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{\an8}By speaking with forked tongue,
I am in heap big trouble.
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(gasps)
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00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:28,499
And now I’m thinking
in stereotypes!
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That’s even worse!
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(screaming)
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Must be the war cry
of her tribe.
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Probably.
Now, get me some coffee.
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(chicken clucking)
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Daddy, I got
me a C-minus
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on my Multicultural
project.
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A C-minus, huh?
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Well, let’s celebrate.
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Hey, Brandine,
empty out the tub!
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We’s makin’ rum!
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BRANDINE:
Can’t use the tub!
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I’m drownin’
rats in it!
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Still?! Are you drownin’ ’em
or makin’ love to ’em?
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(bellows)
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(chicken clucks)
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(busy music playing)
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(chirps)
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(screech)
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(shrieks)
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(music continues)
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Oh!
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(bellows)
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(dramatic music)
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(screaming)
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Mr. Burns, help me!
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Why? You’re
not helping me.
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But, sir, I’m flaming!
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(screaming)
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My God, Willie, that fire
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is headed right for
the tetherball pole.
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Put it out!
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I cannot!
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All the extinguishers
are gone!
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Then I’m afraid
these Wet Ones
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will have to do the job.
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Gah! These are drier
than a Charles Grodin quip.
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(foreboding music)
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What monster,
or pair of monsters,
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would steal
our extinguishers?
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If this works, I’ll go faster
than any ten-year-old
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has ever gone.
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Whoa!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
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(dramatic music)
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Oh, the flames are heading
straight for the Flammable
District!
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That’s where
our mom works!
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(screaming)
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My last words are "Lisa sucks!"
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(heroic brass music)
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That boy is a hero!
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Let’s get hoisting!
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ALL:
Bart! Bart! Bart!
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(pleased chuckle)
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Young man,
to show our gratitude,
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the City of Springfield
will grant you one wish.
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Really? Hmm.
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(joyful music)
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(satisfied sigh)
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(cool jazz music)
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(crowd cheering)
147
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That’s it!
I want a license!
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To kill?
149
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:42,944
No. To drive.
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Suit yourself.
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00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,365
Do you wish
to be an organ donor?
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No way! I don’t want my guts
touching some sick guy.
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Well, you make a good point.
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-ALL: Oh, yeah.
-I agree.
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Oh, this is a bad time for me
to have massive organ failure.
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(chuckling)
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Where do you
think you’re going?
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(nervous screeching)
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(cool jazz music)
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Oh, I can’t believe
this day is already here.
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Me taking you for your
first driving lesson.
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00:07:18,563 --> 00:07:19,772
Hey! That jerk
cut us off.
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Pull alongside.
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Eat Marshall Tucker,
idiot!
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(grunting)
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MARGE:
Homer? Is that you?
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(yelps):
Floor it!
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("Jessica" by The Allman
Brothers playing)
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(school bell ringing)
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♪♪
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(tires screeching)
172
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(panicked shrieks and yells)
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(groaning)
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(shrieks)
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The Hitachees
invented women’s lacrosse...
176
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,358
soft luggage...
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00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:05,818
(interested murmuring)
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00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,111
And that thing
where you’re walking
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00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,154
and someone’s
walking towards you
180
00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:09,697
and you each try to step aside
181
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,574
but you both go the same way
and you do it again and again
182
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,409
until one of you
just scoots around?
183
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,412
They had seven names for that.
184
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:20,082
Whoa, you just
blew my mind!
185
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,168
Uh, thank you and good night.
186
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,253
AUDIENCE:
Yay!
187
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,671
Show’s over.
Let’s go.
188
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:26,547
What’s your hurry?
189
00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:28,424
Well, some of my report...
190
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,551
um... wasn’t thoroughly
fact-checked.
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00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,552
(nervous giggle)
192
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:32,803
(laughs)
193
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:36,224
My little girl’s
just like CBS News.
194
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:38,142
Lisa, it was
wonderful!
195
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,395
I am such a proud
Hitachee mother.
196
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,523
Lisa, hi, my name is
John Squawking Bear.
197
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,441
I’m a reporter for
The Chippewa Bugle.
198
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,818
I happen to have today’s.
199
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,321
You know, uh, I thought I
knew all the lost tribes.
200
00:08:50,404 --> 00:08:51,531
I’ve never heard
of the Hitachee.
201
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:52,865
(giggles nervously)
202
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,700
Yes, we’re among the lostest.
203
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,160
Uh-huh. Where
were you centered?
204
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,704
Centered. Centered...
205
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,499
You know where the four
states come together?
206
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:02,708
Oh, quite well.
207
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,335
Not there.
Not even close.
208
00:09:04,418 --> 00:09:07,421
In the name of the Great Turtle,
will you answer the question?
209
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:13,219
We were south... west of...
North Dakota-lahoma.
210
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:14,345
Hmm.
211
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:16,556
Very good.
212
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,474
Well, I better
get to my office
213
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,018
before my boss,
Screaming Editor, gets mad.
214
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:23,771
I kid, but he’s
a real jerk.
215
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,982
(gulps)
216
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,149
Hey, guys. See you in a bit.
217
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:28,693
I entered a thousand-mile
Baja Road race.
218
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,319
Hold on there, boy.
219
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,904
If you wanna keep
using that car,
220
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:33,489
you’d better start
pullin’ your weight.
221
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,283
This cell phone is
so I can call you
222
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,535
whenever I need your
driving services.
223
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,620
I put in my
own ringtone!
224
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:42,164
("Fur Elise" blaring)
225
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,457
Hello, Bart?
226
00:09:43,541 --> 00:09:47,169
Now, listen. I need you
to go the gas station.
227
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,755
Tell them you need
to inflate your tires,
228
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,593
but actually you inflate
these volleyballs.
229
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:56,637
Then, throw them over
the wall of the prison
230
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,307
to create chaos
and confusion.
231
00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:05,855
("Fur Elise" blaring)
232
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,189
H-Hello?
233
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,567
HOMER (drunk):
Bart! Buddy!
234
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,110
It’s your dad!
235
00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:12,820
I need a ride.
236
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:15,573
I think I’m in Chinatown.
237
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:17,617
Not our Chinatown.
238
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:18,784
LISA:
Slow down!
239
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,953
You’re too close
to that car.
240
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:24,373
Your hands should be at ten and
two, not three and nothing!
241
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,626
You know, it’d
be a real shame
242
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:31,255
if someone started
investigating your
"Indian heritage."
243
00:10:31,339 --> 00:10:32,214
I’ll be good.
244
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,799
("Fur Elise" blaring)
245
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,051
Oh, man.
246
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:35,926
What now?
247
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:39,096
Boy, I don’t want
to freak you out,
248
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:42,099
but I’m calling
from inside the trunk.
249
00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,267
(thumping)
250
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:44,602
That was me.
251
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:47,605
Some very un-cool people
put me in here.
252
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:49,106
(motor revving)
253
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:50,775
This sucks.
254
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:51,984
I can’t do anything fun
255
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,903
’cause I’m doing so many
stupid errands.
256
00:10:53,986 --> 00:10:55,863
("Fur Elise" blaring)
257
00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:58,866
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
258
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,201
HOMER:
Ah! It’s dark in here!
259
00:11:00,284 --> 00:11:03,245
Oh, I gotta get outta
this town for a while.
260
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,331
Time to put the pedal
to the metal.
261
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:10,544
(War’s "Lowrider" plays)
262
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,968
Ooh, North Haverbrook.
263
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,763
The very name conjures up
romance and intrigue.
264
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:33,693
(bell rings)
265
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:37,279
Wow, a mint condition
Hippie Hulk from 1968!
266
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,324
Tune in, turn on, Hulk out!
267
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,619
Oh, man, this town’s
got everything!
268
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,372
Hey, hey, LBJ, how many pants
you rip today?
269
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:48,457
(growl)
270
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,252
♪ Gonna rock around
the clock tonight ♪
271
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,879
♪ Gonna rock, rock, rock
till broad daylight ♪
272
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,799
♪ Gonna rock, gonna rock
around the clock tonight ♪
273
00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,510
♪♪
274
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:05,766
Any of you ladies
like stereo music?
275
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,437
I do.
276
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,691
You look kinda young.
277
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:14,775
Uh... Yeah.
278
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:17,653
I have that disease that
makes you look like an old man,
279
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,739
but they gave me medicine
for it and I took too much.
280
00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:22,742
That’s cool.
I’m Darcy.
281
00:12:22,825 --> 00:12:24,493
I’m Bart Simpson,
who the hell are you?
282
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,120
Oh, right. (chuckles)
Darcy.
283
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,956
(romantic accordion music)
284
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:33,461
(both laughing)
285
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:39,884
("Fur Elise" blaring)
286
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:41,969
HOMER: Bart! This is a matter
of life and death.
287
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:45,598
What is the difference
between ketchup and catsup?
288
00:12:45,681 --> 00:12:47,725
They’re gonna cut
my head off...
289
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,852
(both laughing)
290
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,652
Kyle, are you sure we
should be making out
291
00:12:58,736 --> 00:12:59,737
in this abandoned
sawmill?
292
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,197
Lighten up, baby.
293
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,200
There hasn’t been a murder
here in ten years.
294
00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,534
Ten years tonight.
295
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:08,621
(chainsaw buzzing)
296
00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,663
GIRL:
It’s the kid we locked
297
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,874
in the cemetery
in the first grade!
298
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:13,959
BOY:
Hey, what are you gonna do
with that chainsaw, dork?
299
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,545
(chainsaw buzzing,
couple screaming)
300
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,963
(screaming)
301
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,468
I really like you, Bart.
302
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,762
That is such a girl
thing to say.
303
00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,556
(smooching)
304
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,600
So, Doctor, was
it all a dream.
305
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:31,769
(buzzing, screaming)
306
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:39,735
(romantic French music playing)
307
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,409
Bart, let’s get married.
308
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,161
(gulps):
What?!
309
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,204
Why not?
310
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:51,163
We’ve made out.
311
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,748
It’s not right to make
out with somebody
312
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,750
if you have no intention
of marrying them.
313
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,585
I mean, you’re not
a jerk, right?
314
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:59,213
(gulps): No, I’m not, but...
315
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:01,173
Then it’s settled.
(smooches)
316
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:03,509
Oh, man, I must be
the first guy
317
00:14:03,592 --> 00:14:05,010
who was ever pressured
into marriage.
318
00:14:05,469 --> 00:14:06,887
(foreboding music)
319
00:14:14,728 --> 00:14:16,939
Look, Darcy,
I like you.
320
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,358
I really do.
It’s just...
321
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:20,985
I’m only ten years old.
322
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:22,111
Wha?!
323
00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:24,572
I’m really sorry.
324
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,741
Bart, I’ve been keeping
a secret from you, too.
325
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:28,993
I’m pregnant.
326
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:34,039
(engine grinding)
327
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:36,876
(engine grinding)
328
00:14:36,959 --> 00:14:38,794
(groans)
329
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,837
(engine grinds)
330
00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,218
I’m going to be a father?!
331
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,053
What?! No!
332
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,430
You couldn’t be
the father.
333
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:51,140
We never
got close to that.
334
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:52,516
Really?
We didn’t?
335
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,269
But we kissed and held
hands at the same time.
336
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,479
Wow, you really
are ten.
337
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,106
I thought you were just
kind of stupid.
338
00:14:59,189 --> 00:15:01,317
I’m ten and stupid.
339
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,111
Look, if I’m not the
father, then who is?
340
00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:06,155
A Norwegian
exchange student.
341
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,199
He’s long gone,
back to Norwegia.
342
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,286
I wanted you to marry me
so my baby would have a dad.
343
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:13,829
I’m very religious
that way.
344
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,332
How religious can you be
if you’re pregnant?
345
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,458
Good answer.
346
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:18,959
(sobs)
347
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,253
Marrying you
was my only hope.
348
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,797
When my parents find out,
they’re gonna kill me.
349
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,508
(sobbing)
350
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:30,554
Look, Darcy, maybe there’s
still a way we can get married.
351
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,513
How?
352
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,765
You’re just a kid!
353
00:15:32,848 --> 00:15:34,558
Maybe I shouldn’t be
telling you this,
354
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,061
but there is a state
where the marriage laws
355
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:38,896
are a little looser.
356
00:15:38,979 --> 00:15:39,855
Utah.
357
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:40,940
Utah?
358
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:42,274
Home of America’s
most powerful weirdos?
359
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,402
Our lives could be
so wonderful there.
360
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,530
(serene music)
361
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:55,955
(gargling)
362
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:01,752
Oh, Bart.
363
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:03,504
You are an extreme husband
364
00:16:03,587 --> 00:16:05,297
and an extreme father.
365
00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,050
Awesome!
366
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:11,512
(tense Native American music)
367
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:20,187
The people of my tribe lived
in harmony with the land.
368
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,690
Eating mock buffalo steaks
made from
369
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:25,067
peaceful turnip roots,
370
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,277
uh, they...
371
00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:28,570
Environment...
372
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,782
uh, dignity...
373
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,701
Corn god...
374
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:36,161
(groans):
I’m sorry, I can’t do this!
375
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,287
I made it all up!
376
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:39,081
There is no Hitachee tribe.
377
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,666
I took the name
from my microwave.
378
00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:42,251
(crowd murmuring)
379
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,462
But surely you can forgive
a little girl who...
380
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:46,505
(screams)
381
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,257
Wait, wait.
382
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:49,800
Although she is not
one of our people,
383
00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:51,969
this young lady
has shown the courage
384
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,887
we Native Americans cherish.
385
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,889
And who can blame her
for wanting to be one of us?
386
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,226
We have a noble heritage
and cheekbones to die for.
387
00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:00,811
(cheering)
388
00:17:00,894 --> 00:17:02,187
I’m not Native American, either.
389
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:03,480
I just ski a lot.
390
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,606
(crowd gasps)
391
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:05,858
I’m Japanese.
392
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,317
Well, I’m an Aborigine.
393
00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,945
I’m two midgets
in a costume.
394
00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,241
What?
Not you, Fibbing Bear?!
395
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:17,036
(clamoring)
396
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,581
You know, my great-great
grandmother was an Indian.
397
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:22,750
I guess I should’ve
mentioned that before, huh?
398
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:24,084
Yes, you should have!
399
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:25,085
(screams)
400
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,130
Bart, sweetie.
401
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:29,965
I need some
strawberries.
402
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,967
Mm-hmm. I bet they
sell them in Utah.
403
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,053
Bart, I need
some strawberries.
404
00:17:34,136 --> 00:17:35,345
Right now.
405
00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,805
We’re in the middle
of the desert.
406
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,849
I need strawberries!
407
00:17:38,932 --> 00:17:40,184
BART:
Take my wife...
408
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,560
please.
409
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:43,604
Hey, I finally get that joke.
410
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,064
-(smack)
-Ow!
411
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,651
I just found this note
in Bart’s room.
412
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,237
"Dear Mom and Dad,
me and my girlfriend Darcy
413
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:54,156
have gone to Utah
to get married.
414
00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:56,617
FYI: she’s pregnant."
415
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:59,036
(chuckling):
Oh.
416
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,038
Simpson men get the job done.
417
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,039
(groans)
418
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:04,083
It’s a tragedy,
a real tragedy.
419
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,293
I mean, what kind of tramp
gets knocked up
420
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,961
before she’s even married?
421
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,505
I did.
422
00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:11,799
I mean in this day and age,
423
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,927
when the link between sex
and pregnancy has been proven
424
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:17,930
so... conclusively...
425
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,307
in Scientific American,
where...
426
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,606
Okay, we can trace
where the kids are
427
00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,983
by the charges
they made on your card.
428
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,445
In Colorado, they charged
$200 worth of bubble gum.
429
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,488
Actually,
430
00:18:34,571 --> 00:18:37,366
that was me.
431
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,785
"Dingle’s Berries"
in Provo, Utah?
432
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,245
Why would I go to Utah?
433
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,747
I love booze,
caffeine and monogamy.
434
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,667
Then that must be it.
435
00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,211
Our daughter says she’s
run off with your son.
436
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,838
Did she mention
she was knocked up?
437
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,548
-No!
-Oops! Sorry for the spoiler.
438
00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,347
So how many brides will you
be marrying today, Mr. Simpson?
439
00:19:00,430 --> 00:19:01,223
Just one.
440
00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,599
(scoffs):
What are you, gay?
441
00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,644
Stop the wedding!
442
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:08,105
Bart, you’re too young
to get married.
443
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,024
You still make me check
the closet for the boogeyman.
444
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,318
Well, maybe I found
someone else to do it for me.
445
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,487
Someone who will do
a more thorough job.
446
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,197
I don’t care
how young he is,
447
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,950
he took advantage of a girl
five years older than him.
448
00:19:21,493 --> 00:19:22,911
Utah karate!
449
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:27,791
(intense drum music)
450
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:28,959
(grunts)
451
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,171
(groans)
452
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:33,589
Dad, lay off
the Bartman.
453
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:34,798
He’s not the father.
454
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,383
I just wanted to marry him,
455
00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,343
so you and Mom
wouldn’t be ashamed of me.
456
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:39,595
Ashamed?
457
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,180
I’m thrilled...
458
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,557
because I’m gonna
have a baby, too!
459
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,309
CROWD:
Aw...
460
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:48,228
We can lie to the neighbors
and tell them they’re twins.
461
00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:49,897
Awesome idea, Dad.
462
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,274
I guess this is
the end for us, Bart.
463
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:53,734
Thanks for everything.
464
00:19:53,817 --> 00:19:55,652
Darcy, in 50 years,
465
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,571
you might see me
walking down the street
466
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,823
and you’ll wonder,
"Is that Bart?"
467
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,658
And I’ll go...
(armpit farts)
468
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,118
and you’ll know.
469
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,828
BOTH: (giggling)
470
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:09,208
You know,
I thought Darcy and I
471
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:11,168
would be like
a real married couple.
472
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:14,379
Instead we just ended up
fighting all the time.
473
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:17,090
Uh yeah, how ’bout that?
474
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:18,884
You know, for a while,
475
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,637
I was kind of looking
forward to being a dad.
476
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,515
Son, one day you’re going
to be a great father.
477
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,850
Aw...
478
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,644
And someday
you’ll be one, too.
479
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,020
Thanks, boy.
480
00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:31,563
(chuckles jovially)
481
00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:34,733
Hey, for old time’s sake,
you want to drive me around
482
00:20:34,816 --> 00:20:37,527
while I sing public domain songs
out the window?
483
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,528
You got it.
484
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,155
♪ Twinkle, twinkle ♪
485
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,074
♪ Little star ♪
486
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:45,244
♪ How I wonder what you are ♪
487
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:49,081
Captioned by VISUAL DATA
488
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,961
♪♪
489
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,250
Shh!
490
00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:37,671
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem