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00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:06,297
CHOIR:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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(school bell ringing)
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(whistle blows)
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(beeping)
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(playing the blues)
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D’oh!
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(screams)
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♪♪
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♪♪
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(crow cawing)
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{\an8}Come on, Mr. Burns,
keep moving.
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{\an8}We can’t leave work
till you do.
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{\an8}Aw, no.
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00:02:03,331 --> 00:02:05,375
{\an8}He’s talking to
that mailroom guy.
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I hope he’s not telling
that stupid story
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about hang gliding again.
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{\an8}ALL:
Oh! Oh! Oh!
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Listen carefully.
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{\an8}I have taken your wife hostage.
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{\an8}If you don’t have a wife,
I have kidnapped your brother.
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{\an8}Nod if you understand.
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{\an8}Now back away from Burns
and I will let your dog live.
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{\an8}Good. Now stop and dance
like a happy prospector.
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{\an8}Happier.
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{\an8}Happier!
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{\an8}Happier!
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{\an8}Homer, we want to get him
away from Burns.
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{\an8}Oh, right.
Just leave.
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{\an8}But kick like
a Rockette.
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(humming)
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{\an8}(tires screeching)
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{\an8}-Woo! Yes!
-We’re free!
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{\an8}Empty apartment
here I come!
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Set the table, Marge.
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{\an8}I can already taste
those deep-fried pork chops.
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Don’t you remember
what today is?
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Oh, when you ask me that
it’s never good.
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It’s the first
of the month.
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The day you promised
to start your new diet.
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(whimpering)
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{\an8}I’m just really worried
about your weight.
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{\an8}Bart says that we got
a call from NASA,
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{\an8}and your gravity is pulling
satellites out of their orbits.
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Marge, that was a joke.
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{\an8}-But it comes
from a true place.
-Oh!
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{\an8}Well, if I’m going
to start a diet,
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{\an8}this is my last chance to eat
all the crap I love.
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I think I’ll miss
you most of all,
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Captain Corn Dog
Schnitzel Palace.
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No tears, Homer.
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♪ I’m lost in a crowd ♪
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♪ And I’m hungry
like the wolf ♪
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{\an8}♪ Straddle the line,
in discord and rhyme ♪
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{\an8}♪ And I’m hungry
like the wolf ♪
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{\an8}Uh-ooh.
Can’t let Marge see this.
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SIDESHOW MEL’S VOICE:
Thank you!
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(gasps)
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A drive-up trash can.
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{\an8}This must be how the rich toss
out their gold.
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And as long as I’m cleaning out
the family chariot...
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Cups... newspapers...
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bottles...
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tricycle...
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lawn chair...
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un-cashed checks.
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{\an8}Hmm, "Dispose of properly."
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{\an8}Aw, this book is too hard.
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{\an8}(hissing)
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{\an8}And now for a victory cigar.
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Thank you!
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(screaming)
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♪ And I’m hungry
like the wolf ♪
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(old man grunts)
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{\an8}The calamity in our
Fast-Food District
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{\an8}destroyed 37 restaurants
rated "awful" to "mediocre."
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And put these beloved
mascots out on the street.
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(sobbing)
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I told myself
I’d stay strong.
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(sobbing)
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{\an8}There, there,
Cheesy McMayor.
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{\an8}No one likes weepy meat.
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I can’t stand to see
a grown burger cry.
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We must rebuild
Fast Food Boulevard!
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I don’t know about you,
but I don’t want
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to live in a future
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where food is brought
by "waiters..."
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where the chairs aren’t
attached to the tables...
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and where I can’t ditch
my kids
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in a pit of dirty balls.
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I say we rebuild
the Fast-Food District--
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bigger and better than ever!
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(cheering)
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To raise the money,
we’ll need a bond issue.
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But won’t that just shift
the burden to your children?
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No, you idiot.
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00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,910
We just pay for it
with another bond issue.
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Let her figure out
someone to dump it on.
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Then it’s decided--
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the bond issue will be part
of our next scheduled election,
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the Springfield
presidential primary.
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But that’s not till next June.
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In that case, I hereby move
the election up to next Tuesday.
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(cheering)
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That means the Springfield
Presidential Primary
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will be first in the nation.
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Even earlier than New Hampshire.
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00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:35,436
Uh-oh, they’re going
to be cheesed.
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As they day
of the primary nears,
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this race is as wide open
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as a hobo’s mouth
at a pie-flinging contest.
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What do you
New Hampshirites think
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of the current crop
of presidential candidates?
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Well, Mr. Rather,
the way I see it,
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as my father always said,
"The way I look at it..."
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Dan, breaking news.
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Springfield just moved
its primary
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a week ahead
of New Hampshire’s.
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Now it’s the first one.
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Sweet mother
of Murrow.
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We’re off to
Springfield, people.
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Come on, folks,
move it.
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Grandma was slow,
but she was old.
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You have no excuse.
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Into the truck!
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PEOPLE: (shouting)
To Springfield!
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WOMAN:
Which Springfield?
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MAN: The one the Simpsons
live in.
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Eh, looks like everyone’s
gone but the cashier.
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Time to make our move.
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Nice knitting
on these masks, Martha.
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Now that you’ve
said my name,
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I have to kill him.
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♪♪
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With Springfield’s primary
now first in the nation,
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our humble city is overrun
with candidates, newshounds,
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spin doctors, hacks, flacks,
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Russerts, Blitzers
and even the occasional voter.
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Sir, do you have
a preference?
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Yeah, I like girls,
fruit loop.
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(scoffs)
Are you a registered voter?
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00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:17,622
I’m a registered... something.
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This election
is on every channel.
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Come on, Marge.
It’s primary fever.
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Catch it!
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That’s what you said
about yellow fever,
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and that was no fun.
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I think it’s exciting.
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00:08:28,132 --> 00:08:30,218
Springfield is the center
of the political universe.
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I feel like a pundit
in a think tank!
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Think tank, eh?
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00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,264
Hmm.
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00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,893
Now let’s consider World Bank
lending policy
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towards Micronesia.
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(indistinct,
overlapping chatter)
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What? I’m not allowed
to get one right?
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I like you newsies.
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You really lap up
the sauce.
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Do you have
Internet access?
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00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,744
Sure thing, mouse pad.
Ten bucks.
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Knock yourself out.
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This is Jon Stewart reporting
from Springfield.
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Do I need to say my name?
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People know me, right?
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Know it’s just cable, but...
165
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You know what? I’m not
gonna worry about it.
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I gonna just...
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(inhales deeply,
and exhales, sputtering)
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Great. Now I’m worried.
169
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,894
Hey, hey,
it’s Jon Stewart,
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00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:24,313
everyone’s favorite
political funnyman!
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00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,898
Hey, Krusty!
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00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,817
Haven’t seen you since you
bailed on that benefit.
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00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:28,985
Yeah, well,
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00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,737
I really didn’t believe
in the cause.
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00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,906
Well, Krusty’s Kids
sure missed ya.
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00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:36,576
Yeah, they’re great.
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00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:37,493
A little clingy...
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00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,037
But anyway, this Springfield
primary election--
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00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,914
pretty crazy, huh?
180
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,040
Yeah, it sure is.
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00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:46,627
With many comic elements,
such as, uh...?
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00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:48,462
You know, if you ask me...
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00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:51,132
(chuckling):
there’s more hot air here
than there is at...
184
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:52,425
Uh-huh.
185
00:09:52,508 --> 00:09:53,676
Are you writing
this down?
186
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,094
Nah, this is
somethin’ else.
187
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So, uh, where is there
less hot air than here?
188
00:10:00,474 --> 00:10:02,059
Albuquerque
Balloon Festival?
189
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,686
Rush Limbaugh’s
sweatpants?
190
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:07,148
Krusty, you’re obviously
fishing for jokes so you
can steal them.
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00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:08,357
No!
192
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,650
That’s ridiculous!
193
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,777
More ridiculous
than that place
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00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,739
with all the hot air,
which is...
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00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:16,157
Well, I’ll thank you
196
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,284
to keep my zingers
out of your mouth.
197
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:21,746
I’m gonna try and remember you
the way you used to be.
198
00:10:21,829 --> 00:10:23,497
But I’ve always been terrible!
199
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:26,876
With me here
to comment
200
00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:28,336
on today’s
Democratic Debate
201
00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,046
is Andrea Crowley of CNN,
202
00:10:30,129 --> 00:10:31,964
Dumont Evans
of Slate.com
203
00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,633
and Ron Lehar,
204
00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:36,677
a print journalist
from the Washington Post.
205
00:10:36,761 --> 00:10:37,970
Haw-haw!
206
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,139
(sing-songy):
♪ Your medium is dying! ♪
207
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,182
Nelson!
208
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:42,016
But it is!
209
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,976
There’s being right,
and there’s being nice.
210
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,734
Thank you all for coming
to our focus group.
211
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,694
Today, we’re going
to show you commercials
212
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,780
from the Republican
candidates.
213
00:10:55,863 --> 00:10:57,531
We’d like your
honest opinions.
214
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:58,949
This punch
is too sweet.
215
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,618
Your blouse
makes you look fat.
216
00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:03,412
Opinions about the ads.
217
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,289
(gasps)
I live in that place!
218
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:09,543
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Who should America elect
in 2008?
219
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,546
Former governor Vincent Aleppo
said in the New York Times,
220
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,882
"I will protect the nation
from attack."
221
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,133
He’s got my vote.
222
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,135
But in that same issue
223
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:19,136
of the New York Times,
224
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,055
they also printed an article
225
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:24,308
about terrorist leader
Nussaf Al Mustaffi.
226
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,268
Dear God,
what have I done?
227
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,772
"And ye shall judge them
by the company they keep."
228
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:34,819
(theme from A Summer Place
plays)
229
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,407
Oh, my God.
230
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:40,491
They’re going steady!
231
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:41,826
Did everyone see that?!
232
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,579
So, what do we think?
233
00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,123
Well, I thought
every part of it was good,
234
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:48,249
but overall, I hated it.
235
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:50,626
I feel exactly the opposite,
but the same.
236
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,295
That was the best milkshake
ad I’ve ever seen.
237
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,755
It makes me want
a milkshake!
238
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:01,762
The top fifth
is consuming 60%
239
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,305
of our nation’s
resources,
240
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:07,017
while the bottom two-fifths
is consuming one eighth.
241
00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:09,019
Hence my campaign slogan,
242
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,313
"End quintile disparity."
243
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:14,483
Look, we all care
about quintile disparity,
244
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,737
but the Democrats can’t win
with another prissy brainiac.
245
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,530
Thank you, Senator Winnergill.
246
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:21,782
(chuckles)
That’s Whiner-girl.
247
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:35,045
Honey, how many of these signs
do I have to put up?
248
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:36,505
(angry, fast, high-pitched,
unintelligible squawking)
249
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,215
Twenty-five more?
250
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:41,051
What did I ever do to you
to deserve this?
251
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:43,387
(short, angry, high-pitched
unintelligible squawk)
252
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,514
(scoffs)
You’re never gonna
let that go, are you?
253
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,641
Oh, my God!
254
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,143
This family is undecided!
255
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:50,936
Undecided!
256
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,109
(indistinct shouting)
257
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,195
(elephants trumpeting)
258
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,119
(gentle knocking)
259
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,121
Hmm. I wonder who that could...
260
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,290
be...!
261
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:16,378
(camera shutters clicking)
262
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,588
Family values!
263
00:13:17,671 --> 00:13:18,672
Vanishing
middle class!
264
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:19,924
Cut and run!
265
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:22,092
Terrorists win!
Terrorists win!
266
00:13:22,176 --> 00:13:24,178
Stop all this
pandering!
267
00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:26,931
If you haven’t sprung from,
or aren’t married to my loins,
268
00:13:27,014 --> 00:13:29,099
get the hell out
of this house!
269
00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:30,392
(muttering)
270
00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:36,190
You, too,
Fred Thompson.
271
00:13:36,273 --> 00:13:37,817
But I was in Die Hard.
272
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,777
(scoffs)
Die Hard Two!
273
00:13:42,029 --> 00:13:42,863
Mmm.
274
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,409
Is everyone here as sick
275
00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,370
of those stupid politicians
as I am?
276
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:50,246
(all assenting)
277
00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:51,372
What about the media?
278
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:52,665
They’re not covering the issues.
279
00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,375
They just want
to declare a frontrunner
280
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,085
and go back to their mansions.
281
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:57,044
(all assenting)
282
00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,046
Who wants
to abolish democracy forever?
283
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,381
Show of hands.
284
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,800
I could really go for some
kind of military dictator
285
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:04,301
like, uh, Juan Peron.
286
00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,512
When he disappeared ya,
you stayed disappeared.
287
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:07,805
Plus his wife
was Madonna.
288
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,431
What are we gonna do?
289
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,184
We can’t not vote,
nobody does that.
290
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,854
Why don’t we all pick the most
ridiculous candidate
291
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,355
and write him in?
292
00:14:16,438 --> 00:14:17,815
You mean Dennis Kucinich?
293
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,400
Hey! I’m right here!
294
00:14:19,483 --> 00:14:20,609
Oh, sorry.
295
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:24,280
No, no. This candidate has to be
unbelievably ridiculous.
296
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:25,614
Chief Wiggum!
297
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:28,450
No. But you’re close.
298
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,244
KENT BROCKMAN:
Roll over, Anne Coulter,
299
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,371
and tell James Carville
the news:
300
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:34,582
Springfield voters
have overwhelmingly rejected
301
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:37,501
the major candidates of both
parties in favor of a write-in:
302
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,795
eight-year-old Ralph Wiggum.
303
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:44,383
Shockingly, this new face is now
favored by 53% of likely voters.
304
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,760
A new frontrunner
has been crowned!
305
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,262
(chuckles)
306
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:51,015
What I did made
the TV thing happen.
307
00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:57,479
♪♪
308
00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,481
ANNOUNCER:
Live from our nation’s capitol,
309
00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,318
this is Headbutt
with Nash Castor.
310
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,452
Our top story:
President Ralph Wiggum?
311
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:14,747
Two days ago, this bed-wetter
made a splash
312
00:15:14,830 --> 00:15:16,248
in the Springfield Primary.
313
00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,835
With the remaining 49 primaries
scheduled for next Tuesday,
314
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:23,464
can Ralph go from Sesame Street
to Pennsylvania Avenue?
315
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,591
Adriatica Vel Johnson!
316
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:28,719
Well, Nash, Ralph Wiggum
is a breath of fresh air
317
00:15:28,802 --> 00:15:31,096
for a country hungry
for a change of air.
318
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,515
And he’s already a master
of the sound bite,
319
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,726
from his take
on immigration reform...
320
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,019
Stranger danger!
321
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,647
...to his disciplined stance
on government spending.
322
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,899
I only have this much monies.
323
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:44,068
Well, um, I’d hate to be
324
00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:46,278
the fingernail
in this Cobb salad,
325
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,988
but we don’t even know
if this young man
326
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:49,949
is a Democrat or Republican.
327
00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:52,493
Before we invite Ralph
to the prom,
328
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:55,704
we should find out if he’s
wearing a tux or a tutu.
329
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,122
(chuckles)
330
00:15:57,206 --> 00:16:00,501
Mom, they’re taking Ralph’s
candidacy seriously.
331
00:16:00,584 --> 00:16:02,086
This is a disaster!
332
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,922
Speaking of disasters,
have you seen this?
333
00:16:05,005 --> 00:16:08,133
{\an8}Springfield Dodge bought
too much inventory,
334
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:12,137
{\an8}and they’ve only got one weekend
to get rid of all the ’07s.
335
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,055
(groans anxiously)
336
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,640
(sighing)
Oh...
337
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:17,768
Lisa, I’m sure this
Wiggum-arole will blow over.
338
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:19,561
You have to have faith
in the wisdom
339
00:16:19,645 --> 00:16:21,105
of the average voter.
340
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,232
I dig the Wig!
I dig the Wig!
341
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:24,608
Oh, dear God...
342
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,111
Come on, Lis, hop on
the Wiggum Wagon.
343
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,530
Ralph said he’d let me be
Secretary of Indian Burns.
344
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,115
Here’s my first
official act:
345
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,908
Ow! (grunting)
346
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,868
Ralph can’t be president.
347
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:37,413
He’s the dumbest person,
in the slowest reading group.
348
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,957
Lisa, being president is easy.
349
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,126
You just point the Army
and shoot.
350
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,669
And Ralph is
only eight years old.
351
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:46,547
It says in the Constitution,
you have to be 35.
352
00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:47,756
The Constitution?
353
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,050
I’m pretty sure
the Patriot Act killed it
354
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:51,051
to ensure our freedoms.
355
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,512
(mockingly):
Oh, the Patriot Act
is so terrible!
356
00:16:53,595 --> 00:16:56,849
The government might find out
what library books I take out.
357
00:16:56,932 --> 00:17:01,603
What’s next? Finding out
what operas I go to?
358
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,604
{\an8}MR. BURNS:
So it’s agreed:
359
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,398
we cancel the rest
of the primaries and offer
360
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:07,359
the G.O.P. nomination
to this knee-high want-wit.
361
00:17:07,443 --> 00:17:10,946
My oil rig is already gushin’
for this Wiggum critter!
362
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,948
Do you have bats
in your belfry?
363
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,576
They don’t even let him
use big-boy scissors!
364
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:17,453
Sure he’s a little green,
but, uh,
365
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:18,787
you know, so was George W. Bush,
366
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:22,041
and look how great, uh,
he-he... um...
367
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,375
But at least he won!
368
00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:24,710
The second time...
369
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:27,671
assuming they don’t find
those ballot boxes in Ohio.
370
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,091
Look, the Wiggum boy’s better
than anyone else we’ve got.
371
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,342
Hear! Hear!
372
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:33,844
DRACULA:
Well, if you put it that way...
373
00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:34,762
(others agreeing)
374
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:40,934
This meeting
of the Democratic Party
375
00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:42,853
will come to order, babies.
376
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,314
So if we nominate this Ralph
Wiggums,
377
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:48,776
we will be like
an unstoppable choo-choo.
378
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:51,612
I already got my assless,
sparkle tux cleaned
379
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,821
for the inauguration.
380
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,698
I agree with my ex-husband.
381
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,283
With Ralph on the ticket,
382
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,161
I don’t know how
we will blow it, but we will.
383
00:17:59,244 --> 00:18:01,830
Because that’s what the
Democratic Party is all about.
384
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,082
(cheers of agreement)
385
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,170
This is Kent Brockman reporting
from the Wiggum compound,
386
00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,047
where both parties
have gathered to court
387
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:13,884
the most charismatic child since
Drew Barrymore in Firestarter.
388
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,136
When she got mad,
they got burned.
389
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,309
Ralph, both parties want
to offer you their nomination.
390
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:23,477
Whom do you like?
391
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,146
Go ahead, Ralphie.
392
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:27,481
You’re invited to two parties--
393
00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:29,775
one with a donkey
and one with an elephant.
394
00:18:29,858 --> 00:18:30,651
Who do you like?
395
00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:33,445
Elmo?
(camera shutters clicking)
396
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,239
Ah, Admiral Elmo Zumwalt,
397
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,116
Richard Nixon’s chief
of naval operations.
398
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,700
So Ralph’s a Republican!
399
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:40,202
Not so fast, Kent.
400
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:43,080
Zumwalt ran for the senate
in ’76-- as a Democrat.
401
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:46,208
No way, Lou-- you’re thinking
of Admiral Hyman Rickover.
402
00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,043
The father
of the Nuclear Navy?
403
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:48,877
(scoffs)
As if!
404
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,879
Only one place
to settle this--
405
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,173
to the offices of the
World Book Encyclopedia!
406
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,219
(siren blares)
407
00:18:57,302 --> 00:18:59,847
CROWD:
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
408
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,265
(whimpers)
409
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:05,018
(groans)
410
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,980
Ralph, darling,
be a Democrat.
411
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:11,275
We have Alec Baldwin,
they have Stephen Baldwin.
412
00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:13,485
They might as well not
even have a Baldwin.
413
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:16,071
(door opens)
Leave him alone,
you vultures!
414
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,406
Who are you?
415
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:18,282
(groans)
416
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,909
Ralph and I
used to date.
417
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,912
Nice. Now maybe you can
help him pick a party.
418
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,583
Ralph, they have no right
to do this to you.
419
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,126
They just want to use you.
420
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,878
Maybe I want
to use them.
421
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,213
Maybe you wha...?!
422
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,507
Use them to make this
country great again.
423
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,343
When we’re mad,
we’ll just use our words,
424
00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:41,263
then the rest of the world
will play nice with us.
425
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:43,765
And the only boom-booms
will be in our pants.
426
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:46,560
Maybe you wouldn’t be
such a bad president.
427
00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,979
And you can be my first ladle.
428
00:19:49,062 --> 00:19:50,564
I like the sound of that.
429
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:52,983
CROWD:
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
430
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:55,819
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
431
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,112
ANNOUNCER:
The following is a paid
political announcement
432
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,323
by the Republican
and Democratic parties.
433
00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:01,116
Compassionate...
434
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,326
Tough...
435
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:06,872
Curious...
436
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:09,958
These are all words
Ralph Wiggum doesn’t know;
437
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,418
but he doesn’t need
to know them,
438
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:14,046
he lives them, every day.
439
00:20:14,129 --> 00:20:15,631
I’m voting Ralph for president.
440
00:20:15,714 --> 00:20:17,841
His easy smile makes me think
everything is okay,
441
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,176
even when I know it ain’t.
442
00:20:19,259 --> 00:20:20,636
I’m voting for Ralph, too.
443
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:24,097
But don’t tell you-know-who.
444
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,098
ANNOUNCER:
On November 4th,
445
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:29,895
vote for the latest in a long
line of great American leaders.
446
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,480
I want a tricycle,
447
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,399
and a dog who won’t chew
my Hot Wheels,
448
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,735
and a brighter future
for America!
449
00:20:36,818 --> 00:20:39,488
I’m Ralph Wiggum,
and I’ve been a good boy!
450
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:48,413
{\an8}Captioned by VISUAL DATA
451
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:30,539
Shh!
452
00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,919
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem