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The Simpsons.

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Today we induct the newest honoree
to the Springfield Wall of Fame,

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who will take his place along
such luminaries as Duffman,

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Poochie and the man who invented
the yield sign, Paul Yield.

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Now please welcome the newest inductee
into the Springfield Wall of Fame,

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local businessman,

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frequent flyer
silver cardholder,

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and legendary
20% tipper,

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Springfield's own
Vance Connor!

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Hi, hi.

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You're better
than us!

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Homer, that guy's
yourage?

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No, he's ten days younger.

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So you're saying he'll
look like you in ten days?

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If he's lucky.

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The guy owns a few
local businesses

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and everyone treats him
like he's God!

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Well, God doesn't need
his own special day.

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What about Sunday?

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Sunday's the
Lord's day, boy.

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Not God's.
Completely different guy.

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Your father's just jealous because Vance
was our class president in high school.

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If I had won
class president,

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I'd be the one getting thrown
up in the air right now.

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Dad, you ran for
class president?

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Yep. Back in high school,
right before I met your mother.

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A simpler time when the
only thing we worried about

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was total nuclear
annihilation.

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Rock the boat
Don't rock the boat, baby.

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Rock the boat
Don't tip the boat over.

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So under my reign
as vice president,

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we sent three mathletes
to the state finals.

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All of the tenth graders'
lima beans germinated.

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Yeah!

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Yeah, you should be proud.

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So if you want to build
on that, vote for me,

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and you will all
advance with Vance!

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Now I'm gonna throw it back
to a guy who, in my opinion,

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is the classiest principal
in the business,

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Principal Dondalinger!

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Ladies, I've seen him up close.
And, yes, his eyes are that green.

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Our next candidate
is Homer Simpson.

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Please hold your
applause forever.

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My fellow Wildcats.

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My name is Homer Simpson.

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There are
many reasons why I...

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I... I...

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You know what?

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I spent all night
working on that speech.

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But now I realize the best thing
to do is speak from my heart.

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His heart!

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I feel that...
Fellow Wildcats...

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Webster defines... In the
words of Ted Nugent...

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You... School spirit...
Next card... The future...

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I've never heard a speech so bad.
Ten days detention!

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No fair!

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Anyone who votes for Vance
gets a half day tomorrow.

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Half day, eh?

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Don't feel bad, Homie.
I married you!

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And you're a million
times better than...

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Here comes Vance!

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Hey, Vance!
Thanks for coming out.

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Hey, Gail.
I love your bangs.

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Hi.

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There they are. My
favorite mixed-race couple.

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Guys that popular and confident
are never truly happy.

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He looks happy.

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Tears of a clown.

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He's not crying. And he's
not known for clowning.

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Exception that
proves the rule.

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If losers like me
know one thing,

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it's that deep down, winners
like him are miserable.

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Watch, I'll prove it.
Angry nut coming through!

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Clear a path, boys.

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Hey, Vance.

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Hey, Homer Simpson.
How you been?

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Great. Thanks.
Listen, settle a bet.

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Behind that smile,
you're dying, right?

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Behind this smile is a bigger
smile trying to get out.

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Oh! Oh! Here it comes!
Oh, yeah!

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Please! You gotta have
some secret agony!

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I bet those fancy shoes
hurt your feet.

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No. Actually they're
like two leather clouds.

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Got them from a buddy of mine
with a store in Shelbyville.

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You want his number?
No. Yes.

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Hey, Homer. You want to try
my new Vance Connorpolitan?

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Like Vance, it is smooth,
cool, and oh so sophisticated.

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I'll just stick
with my beer.

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Homer, why are you so
down on Vance Connor?

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He gave me one of his kidneys.
Yeah, me, too.

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Because when Vance beat me in
that election, he ruined my life.

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Why did you just exchange
that look of guilt?

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Lenny, I think it's
time for us to come clean.

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About how we
give each other haircuts?

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No. We'll take that
secret to our graves.

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I'm talking about...
You know.

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Right. Listen, Homer.

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Something weird happened
back in high school.

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Teenage Carl and I were walking
down the hallway when...

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You two. I want you to take this
box and bury it in the woods.

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The true results of this
election must never be known.

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I tell you what. We'll do
it under one condition.

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Our parents want us
to go to college.

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But with a bad enough recommendation
from you, we can stay here and party.

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Okay. But screw this up

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and it's Carnegie Mellon
University for the both of you!

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So there's a chance
I actually won.

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I gotta dig up
that ballot box!

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Just let it go, Homer.

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Al Gore?

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Homer, I had a presidential election
stolen from me. But I moved on.

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And I think you could say
everything worked out all right.

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Isn't that right, Alfred?

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"It sure is, Albert."

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Ballots stolen.
Real winner unknown.

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What is the truth?
I gotta know!

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Lenny, wake up!

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Finally you return
my shovel!

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That's not why I'm
here. Get dressed!

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California casual
or business attire?

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California casual.

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There it is!
The ballot box?

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No. This is the box that tells
us where the ballot box is.

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What will this box reveal?

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And what will I use
this box for afterwards?

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Mismatched nuts and bolts?
Recipes? I may never know.

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- Vance Connor.
- D'oh!

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- Homer Simpson.
- Woo-hoo!

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Vance Connor.
D'0h!

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Homer Simpson.
Woo-hoo!

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Vance Connor.
D'0h!

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Homer Simpson.
Woo-hoo!

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Please stop doing that.

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“D'oh or “woo-hoe”?

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Both. Homer Simpson, Vance
Connor, Fonzie, Homer Simpson.

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And the winner is.

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Homer Simpson.

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Yes! I'm
senior class president!

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I get a parking spot if the
assistant principal isn't using it!

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Wait a second. If I'd been class
president like I was supposed to,

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I'd be the one
with the big mansion,

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and the color TVs,
and the hot wife!

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Hey!

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Marge, I still would be
married to you,

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but you would
just be hotter.

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Dad, just 'cause you won
a high school election

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doesn't mean your whole
life would've been better.

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That's exactly
what it means!

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And Dondalinger took
that life away from me!

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And the taking of
a life is murder!

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And the punishment
for murder is...

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Well, it varies from state
to state and by race,

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but I'm gonna
find Dondalinger

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and tell him I know
what he did last summer,

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22 years ago
in the winter!

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That's the thing about
you assistant principals.

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You can drive the ball
but you can't putt.

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Wait a minute. You're
not in our foursome.

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No other foursome
would have me.

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My legs gross
people out.

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Dondalinger!

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Looks like one of my former
students on a quest for truth.

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Dondahngen I should've
been class president!

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But you stole the
election from me!

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I can explain.

166
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But are you sure we should
talk in front of your son?

167
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Yes! I want him to know that if your
life doesn't turn out the way you want,

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there's someone
else to blame!

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I already knew that, Dad.
I'm gonna blame you.

170
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I respect your choice.

171
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Now drive back to the clubhouse
and order me a Tom Collins.

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With a virgin
Tom Collins for me?

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Virgin.
What are you? A girl?

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Now, Dondalinger,
I want some answers.

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Very well. It's a fact, I didn't
like you, Simpson. Still don't.

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You lie.
You love me.

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Whatever complex
emotions I feel,

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they're not why
I did what I did.

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There was another reason.

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Jive talkin'

181
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You're telling me lies.

182
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Jive talkin'

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Homer
Simpson, what a loser!

184
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Hey, what if we got everyone to
vote for him as a joke and he won?

185
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:04,247
Then we could laugh at him all
the way through high school

186
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and at every reunion!

187
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Go, sports!
Go, sports!

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So you see, I disposed of the
ballot box to spare your feelings.

189
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You denied me my dream!
So I'm angry!

190
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But you did it out of
kindness, so I'm grateful.

191
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I'm filled with respect
and contempt for you.

192
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I... Why you...

193
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You are so...
I hate you!

194
00:11:35,444 --> 00:11:37,947
As principal, I did a lot
of things I'm not proud of.

195
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I would steal school chalk
from my own chalkboard.

196
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But I'm not sorry I
rigged that election.

197
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:46,205
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna sit under that tree

198
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:48,708
and think of all the women I
could've talked to but didn't.

199
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,379
The brown-haired girl
gave me a look.

200
00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,048
The red head in the park
was reading a book.

201
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,593
The girl at the airport
upgraded my car.

202
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,846
Tonight, I wonder
just where you are.

203
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,435
Homie, you're
barely eating.

204
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,396
Yeah. I can actually see your hands.
They're not just a blur.

205
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,231
I don't feel
much like eating.

206
00:12:12,315 --> 00:12:15,651
I'll never know what would've happened
if I had been class president.

207
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:18,863
You could know if you dared.

208
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,114
Huh? Who said that?

209
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:23,743
In the kitchen is a man from the
old country who works for me.

210
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,411
He stirs the sauce.

211
00:12:25,494 --> 00:12:29,415
They say if he stirs
the sauce just right,

212
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:33,210
he can also see
what might have been!

213
00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:36,923
As a rational skeptic,
I find that hard to believe.

214
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:40,009
Also as a vegetarian, I hope
there's not meat in that sauce.

215
00:12:40,092 --> 00:12:42,219
Any other orders,
Mussolini?

216
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:43,512
No. That's it.

217
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:47,183
Watch the sauce.
You see what I see?

218
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:48,392
I see a hair.

219
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,518
You see too much!

220
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,605
Now watch the sauce
of bubbling red.

221
00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:55,107
And see the life
you could've led.

222
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,275
Okay.

223
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:01,656
Yes,
I like to stir.

224
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:06,285
Your new senior
class president is,

225
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Homer Simpson.

226
00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:13,000
Our president's
a real loser!

227
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,710
Yeah. A loser like us!

228
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,381
He proves you don't have to be
popular to have everyone like you.

229
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,466
Homer! Homer! Homer!

230
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,468
Homer! Homer!

231
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:26,514
Homer! Homer!
Homer! Homer...

232
00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:31,268
I would've been
a winner!

233
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,771
Instead of some idiot
spending his Saturday nights

234
00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,982
staring into
a bowl of sauce!

235
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,734
Why did fate
do this to me?

236
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:41,237
Ask the garlic bread.

237
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,323
Why? Why?

238
00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:48,285
Hey, everyone! The stupid fat
man's talking to garlic bread!

239
00:13:53,874 --> 00:13:55,876
Come on, stir!
I must see more!

240
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,838
Homie, please. Nothing
good will come of this.

241
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:02,091
Marge, unlike CPR, this
is something I must know!

242
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:07,263
Very well. Now we must once
more stare madly into the sauce.

243
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,272
Mr. President,
we need a class song,

244
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,315
a class motto,
and a class mascot!

245
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:21,068
Color My World, "Disco
Sucks," and Butthead the goat.

246
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:24,780
Mr. President, do you approve of
the bailout of the French Club?

247
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,198
They're too big to fail.

248
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,617
Homer, do you have a
date for the prom yet?

249
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,621
Sorry. The only girl I could
ever want is right over there.

250
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,207
Debbie Pinson.

251
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,755
Hey, Debbie. Want to
go to prom with me?

252
00:14:40,838 --> 00:14:44,050
Well, I'm engaged to
the quarterback, butyes!

253
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,137
Forget it, Marge.

254
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,891
A girl like you could
never land a Homer Simpson.

255
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,102
So Dad's life would
actually have been worse

256
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:58,981
because he wouldn't have gotten
together with Mom, his one true love.

257
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,817
Just keep watching
the sauce, girlie.

258
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:13,746
I got the biggest lapels, the ruffliest
shirt, and the most beautiful girl.

259
00:15:13,829 --> 00:15:15,456
Thank you, Homer.

260
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:18,626
Debbie, I forgot I have an
English paper due on Monday.

261
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,878
Would you read To Kill
a Mockingbird for me?

262
00:15:20,961 --> 00:15:22,630
And if you could write
down how Boo Radley

263
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:25,925
fits into the southern gothic
tradition, that would be great.

264
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,261
Nobody's ever asked me to
use my head brain before.

265
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:37,061
Homer Simpson,
class president.

266
00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,063
Oh, my God!
He's talking to me!

267
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,232
A lot of great things have
happened to me lately.

268
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:44,110
But they're nothing
compared to meeting you.

269
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,444
May I have
this dance?

270
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:48,197
Only if it
lasts forever.

271
00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:54,662
Homer Simpson! I was gonna
let you get to fifth base!

272
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:57,540
It would've been something you
told your grandchildren about!

273
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,043
Sorry, Debbie. I hope you can
find happiness without me.

274
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,799
Who wants a cheerleader
on the rebound?

275
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,552
I do! Right.

276
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:15,224
I can hardly believe
this is real.

277
00:16:15,307 --> 00:16:20,729
Marge, the way I feel about you is
as real and lasting as my hairline.

278
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:26,527
Who's that side of
beef munching on our sister?

279
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:29,947
I don't know. But in this
reality I am not gay.

280
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,115
Hubba hubba!

281
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,951
Sweet dreams.

282
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:41,167
Young man, you have the noble bearing
of the Barbarian leader Vercingetorix.

283
00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:43,169
Thank you,
mysterious weirdo.

284
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,963
Tell me, what student
government office do you hold?

285
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,798
Secretary? Treasurer?

286
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:50,217
Dare I say
secretary-treasurer?

287
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:51,635
I'm class president.

288
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:56,390
Hotdog! Say, how would
you like to work for me?

289
00:16:56,473 --> 00:16:58,851
Sir, we could start
him off in Sector 7G.

290
00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:00,352
7G?

291
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,439
Let the Lennys and the Carls of the
world waste their wretched lives

292
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,649
in that testicle-shriveling
torture chamber.

293
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:09,737
Son, you'll be working
in sector 6F!

294
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,033
So Dad's life would've
been the same!

295
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,368
He would've married Mom
and worked for Mr. Burns.

296
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:17,786
It would've
been a push.

297
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,496
Can you keep her quiet?

298
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,165
Not even when
she's snorkeling.

299
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,876
I was describing
beautiful fish, Bart!

300
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,473
How you doing, Dad?

301
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:40,059
I can't complain.
And I never do.

302
00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,394
Thanks for letting me
live in your guesthouse.

303
00:17:48,317 --> 00:17:49,652
Honey, I'm home!

304
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:53,239
Where are the kids?

305
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:56,116
You used protection.
We never had any.

306
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,286
Well, that's
what's missing.

307
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:02,498
Our lives would be
horrible without the kids.

308
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:06,502
Yes. That must be it. This is
the best of all possible worlds!

309
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:09,713
I want to live
in the sauce!

310
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:12,758
If you could live
in the sauce,

311
00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:14,969
don't you think I would
live in the sauce?

312
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:20,975
How long has he
been there?

313
00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,102
I don't know.
But he's algae-fying.

314
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,939
Homie, please
come inside?

315
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,190
Okay.

316
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,986
Dad, we need
to have a talk.

317
00:18:32,069 --> 00:18:33,279
I get it.

318
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:37,283
You're all gonna try to convince me that
my life is great just like it is, right?

319
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:40,744
Are you kidding? We couldn't even
convince you that Bruce Wayne is Batman!

320
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,122
Come on! That
millionaire playboy?

321
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,416
He's too busy socializing
at cocktail parties

322
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,710
and managing the affairs
of the Wayne Foundation!

323
00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,795
Don't open
this one again.

324
00:18:49,878 --> 00:18:52,047
Why does he think
Alfred's friends with Batman?

325
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,465
Just stop!

326
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:56,385
Dad, we think the sauce
had it all wrong.

327
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,722
Look who thinks he's
smarter than sauce.

328
00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:04,810
Sweetheart, I think you'd feel
better after we take a little walk.

329
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,813
Why would you
bring me here?

330
00:19:07,896 --> 00:19:10,149
It's like bringing Richard
Nixon to the Watergate,

331
00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:12,359
or Kevin Costner
to Waterworld.

332
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:14,028
Really?

333
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,990
My own plaque!

334
00:19:18,073 --> 00:19:21,577
And one for Vice President
Butthead! Cool!

335
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,455
Is that why you brought
me here, spirits?

336
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,790
Yep. In the future,
people will look at this

337
00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:30,669
and they'll say, "Whoever he
was, he must've mattered."

338
00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:32,755
I guess that
would be nice.

339
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:36,008
Pardon me. Can my son have
his picture taken with you?

340
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:37,801
Really? Sure.

341
00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:44,099
Dad, do you think I could
be elected class president?

342
00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:46,769
Well, we can't all be
Homer Simpson, son.

343
00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:49,146
Thanks, guys.

344
00:19:49,688 --> 00:19:52,358
Hey, was there another
plaque here before?

345
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,443
Plaques come,
plaques go.

346
00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,324
Now let's get
something to eat!

347
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:01,700
How about Italian?

348
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,077
God, no!

349
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,703
I hear there's
a Korean barbecue place

350
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,872
where the beef spells out
the date of your death.

351
00:20:06,955 --> 00:20:08,332
Whoo! That sounds like fun!

352
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:02,845
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