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CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:07,048
(squawks)
3
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(shrieks)
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00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:18,727
(school bell ringing)
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(belches)
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(whistle blows)
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(yells)
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(beeping)
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(playing the blues)
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(tires screeching)
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(bike horn beeping)
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D’oh!
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(all sigh)
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{\an8}(glass shatters,
electrical crackling)
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{\an8}(humming)
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{\an8}(chuckles)
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{\an8}Milhouse, watch me
make a loser lose it.
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{\an8}(door opens,
bell jingles)
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{\an8}Oh, customers,
how I hate them.
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{\an8}Excuse me. I just heard that
before Spider-Man was a movie,
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00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,667
{\an8}it was a comic book--
is that possible?
22
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:25,960
{\an8}What the...?
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{\an8}(groans)
Suffering Steve Ditko!
24
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{\an8}How can you not know
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{\an8}that Spider-Man first appeared
in 1962’s classic
26
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,180
{\an8}Amazing Fantasy #15?!
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{\an8}(exclaims)
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{\an8}Ooh, 12 cents!
29
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{\an8}I’ll take eight.
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{\an8}What the...?
You idiot!
31
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{\an8}Mint condition copies are,
like, $40,000 each!
32
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,565
{\an8}Must lie down
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{\an8}on pile of unsold Hulk Hands.
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00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:51,653
{\an8}ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Hulk smash.
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00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:53,321
{\an8}-Hulk smash.
-Hulk smash-smash.
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00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:54,239
{\an8}Hulk smash.
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{\an8}(laughs)
38
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{\an8}Huh? What’s this?
39
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{\an8}MILHOUSE:
"Everyman"?
40
00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,539
{\an8}He’s not a hero
from Marvel, DC,
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{\an8}Image or WildStorm.
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{\an8}"It was a typical day
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{\an8}for delivery man Avery Mann
until..."
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{\an8}Help! Bank robbers!
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{\an8}Shut your yap.
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{\an8}(blast of gunfire)
47
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{\an8}MANN: Time for this average man
to disappear.
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00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,599
{\an8}(both laughing)
49
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,227
{\an8}Look at that fat guy--
beatin’ it like an egg.
50
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:25,979
{\an8}Yeah, he’s scramblin’
like an egg.
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00:02:26,062 --> 00:02:27,772
{\an8}(laughing)
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{\an8}-Egg.
-Egg.
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Laugh while you can.
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NARRATOR: Everyman absorbs the
powers of every superhero
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whose comic book he touches.
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Power-Absorption Power...
Absorb!
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00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,719
{\an8}It’s just a flyin’
fatso-- keep robbin’.
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00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:00,013
{\an8}Good afternoon, gentlemen.
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{\an8}(hearty laughter)
60
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{\an8}(shudders)
Put me in Sing Sing!
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{\an8}It’s safer!
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00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:08,897
{\an8}Ooh.
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{\an8}Hey!
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{\an8}Hmm...
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{\an8}Perfect.
66
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,905
{\an8}Plastic Man powers--
Absorb!
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{\an8}Going somewhere?
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00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:27,207
{\an8}Everyman will stop
every crime every time.
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00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:30,752
{\an8}And I... am... Everyman.
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{\an8}Put my comic down.
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{\an8}You made this?!
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{\an8}Shut up.
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00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,300
{\an8}No one is interested
in the critical judgment
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{\an8}of a worthless child...
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00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,136
{\an8}Actually, I like it.
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00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,138
{\an8}You what now?
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{\an8}Everyman is awesome.
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00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,643
{\an8}Reading it, I escaped
from my troubles.
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{\an8}Now they’re back
in spades.
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00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:50,146
{\an8}Have you shown
this to anyone?
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00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,648
{\an8}No. If copies got out,
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00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,192
{\an8}it would be ridiculed by
the online community--
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00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:58,154
{\an8}Son of Spock, The Dork Knight,
and I killed Kenny 6475.
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00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,781
{\an8}Don’t be afraid of them.
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00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:01,324
{\an8}They’re just lame-o’s
like yourself.
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{\an8}Two of them are me.
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00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,160
{\an8}Very well.
88
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{\an8}I... shall...
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{\an8}self-publish.
90
00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:09,165
{\an8}How many issues
have you written?
91
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:15,088
{\an8}Oh, uh, just 335, including
the controversial number 289,
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00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:16,256
{\an8}featuring the death
of Marmaduke.
93
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,799
{\an8}(Bart and Milhouse
groan sadly)
94
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,973
{\an8}Comic Book Guy’s been
writing these for years.
95
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,517
{\an8}Who knew a troubled person
could be creative?
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00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,228
Yeah, still waters
run deep.
97
00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,273
(humming
"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik")
98
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:37,944
(orchestra takes over, continues
"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik")
99
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:44,117
(grunting)
100
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,078
I’m so rich.
101
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:06,306
All right, what’s our next big
summer franchise? Come on.
102
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,849
You want an original idea?
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00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:10,768
Yes. Let your imaginations
run free.
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00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,645
Something that’s never
been a movie before,
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00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:14,355
but feels like it has.
106
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,566
-Extension cords.
-Mixed nuts.
-Car keys.
107
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,067
Eh, we’ve already
made everything
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00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:21,112
that could possibly be a movie
into a great movie.
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00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:22,322
There’s nothin’ left.
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Dad, can we go?
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00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,701
I’ve watched all the DVDs
in the Bentley.
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00:05:26,784 --> 00:05:28,244
Jonah, what’s that
in your hand?
113
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,247
Oh, big surprise that you
don’t know what this is.
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It’s only Everyman,
the coolest comic book ever.
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What are his powers?
116
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All of them.
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That’s it.
Our next big summer movie
will be Everyman.
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Uh, Marv? Ginormous Pictures
bought the rights
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to Everyman three weeks ago.
120
00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:45,928
Damn it!
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We at Ginormous Pictures
are incredible fans
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00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,978
and think Everyman would
make a fantastic movie.
123
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,148
Oh really? The way
you thought "Stratego"
would make a good movie?
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00:05:57,231 --> 00:05:58,775
You’d expect us to believe
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00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,818
that a red scout
would date a blue general?
126
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,737
Gu... ffaw.
127
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,490
Hey, don’t blame us--
Brett Ratner had final cut.
128
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,825
I’m well aware
of who had what cut.
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00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,912
(cracking)
130
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(slurping)
131
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Let me get to the point:
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It is not money I am after,
133
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or women--
I know that is impossible.
134
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:21,339
What I want is to pick the
actor who will play Everyman.
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00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:22,757
No can do.
136
00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,467
(sing-songy):
Thank you.
137
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,969
-But we never give...
-(sing-songy): Thank you.
138
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,137
They’ll laugh us
out of Hollywood.
139
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,264
I repeat--
(sing-songy): Thank you.
140
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,392
(heavy sigh)
Fine. You got it.
141
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,685
(normal voice):
Thank you.
142
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:38,606
(happy sigh) I played hardball
with Hollywood.
143
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:41,526
The closest I will ever come
to playing a sport in my life.
144
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,238
"Wherever there’s
a crime to be solved,
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00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:47,865
I will be there to solve...
146
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:48,950
...it."
147
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:50,701
And there’s more,
148
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,121
but my fax machine ran out
of ink, so I can’t read it.
149
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:54,914
Do you know where
you can buy ink
150
00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:56,082
for an Amiga brand fax machine?
151
00:06:56,165 --> 00:06:58,292
Thank you, that was great.
152
00:06:58,376 --> 00:06:59,877
You want to see it
any other way?
153
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,129
Like sad...
154
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:04,382
or Brooklyn,
or Richard Nixon voice?
155
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,341
Pass.
156
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,884
But I already
bought a boat
157
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,553
with the money you
were gonna pay me.
158
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:10,096
(sobbing)
159
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:13,850
Come on, Comic Book Guy,
you’ve gotta pick someone.
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00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,726
We’ve already
read three people.
161
00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:18,646
Don’t you latté-sipping
leeches understand?
162
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,399
I’ve seen enough of these
Hollywood super-hunks.
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00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:24,861
We need a dumpy, unappealing
loser-- an everyman.
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00:07:24,944 --> 00:07:26,737
(door opening)
165
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:27,989
Can you help me out?
166
00:07:28,072 --> 00:07:29,282
I need change for a dollar.
167
00:07:29,365 --> 00:07:31,117
Oh, I also need a dollar.
168
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,202
♪♪
169
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,288
(thunder crashing)
170
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:42,003
You... are... acceptable.
171
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:43,588
Great. Do you want
to see me naked?
172
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:45,756
-Oh, there’s no nudity
in this movie.
-What movie?
173
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,721
Let’s go around the table,
and everybody say
174
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,723
one amazing thing that
happened to them today.
175
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,057
Lisa?
176
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,977
Well, I qualified for
the National Math Bee--
177
00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:58,936
Great. Marge, go.
178
00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,271
Guess who the garden club
179
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:01,439
elected president?
180
00:08:01,522 --> 00:08:02,398
You? Awesome. Next.
181
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,066
No. I lost.
182
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:05,568
Eh, they can go
to Hell. Bart?
183
00:08:05,651 --> 00:08:08,446
Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid
isn’t pumping out enough--
184
00:08:08,529 --> 00:08:11,908
Time’s up. Okay, Maggie: "suck,
suck"-- that takes us to... me.
185
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:15,036
(humming fanfare)
186
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:18,080
Some Hollywood idiots hired
me to star in a movie.
187
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,665
No kidding?!
Whoa!
188
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:24,795
Homer, we have
a problem.
189
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:28,132
Fine. I’ll give back the Oscars
I stole from the lobby.
190
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:29,300
Do you want the Golden Globe?
191
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,511
(laughing):
No! No...
192
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,970
But we have a bigger problem.
193
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,806
Homer, my brother and I
showed this picture of you
194
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:37,767
to a cross-section
of typical moviegoers.
195
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:40,520
Not one thought you
looked like a superhero.
196
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,146
Several people
stared at the sun,
197
00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:43,689
attempting to blind
themselves.
198
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,441
Stared at the sun.
199
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,485
Against every animal
instinct they had.
200
00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:50,947
We need you to slim down, muscle
up and become the Everyman
201
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,991
people want to be instead
of the one they actually are.
202
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,368
I don’t know if I can.
203
00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:56,619
I’m a yo-yo dieter:
204
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,247
"Yo, hot dog man.
Yo, peanuts."
205
00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,665
(laughing)
206
00:09:00,748 --> 00:09:01,999
Why aren’t you laughing?
207
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,292
Don’t you know
what "yo" means?
208
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,253
Maybe I can help.
209
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,171
Lyle McCarthy.
210
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,924
Finally, the answer
to my problem.
211
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,217
What do you do?
212
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,386
He’s the trainer
to the stars.
213
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:16,764
Here’s what Brad and Angelina
looked like before they met me.
214
00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,474
HOMER:
Mm!
215
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,351
They look good with a
little meat on their bones.
216
00:09:20,434 --> 00:09:21,978
Come with me.
217
00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,188
Take my hand, Homer,
218
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,148
and wave goodbye
to fat you.
219
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,984
Goodbye, fat me.
220
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:31,028
You sure that guy who created
Everyman’s gonna like this?
221
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,072
Him? He’s gone Hollywood.
222
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:38,578
...a lot of people have come
to this town and changed,
223
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:39,579
but not me.
224
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:43,207
Now excuse me, I have
to read a story
225
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,543
to my adopted Cambodian orphan.
226
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:49,130
Nannies, produce
the child and the story.
227
00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:52,633
Hello, Prius--
give Daddy a kiss.
228
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:58,639
Homer, do you
know why you eat?
229
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:00,850
Because I’m swallowing
my frustrations
230
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:01,934
and disappointments?
231
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,436
Something bad happens
and you cope
232
00:10:03,519 --> 00:10:05,229
by cramming a donut
in your mouth.
233
00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:07,565
Yeah, well, you don’t always
have time to (bleep).
234
00:10:07,648 --> 00:10:09,025
I’m gonna teach you
235
00:10:09,108 --> 00:10:11,527
healthy emotional
alternatives to eating.
236
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,237
We don’t have much time,
237
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:16,032
so we’ll do it in a montage to
the song "Eye of the Tiger."
238
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,242
("Eye of the Tiger" playing)
239
00:10:18,326 --> 00:10:19,952
Oh, that song’s
a little on the nose.
240
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,038
Can we do it to
David Bowie’s "Heroes"?
241
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,331
Eh, it’s your montage.
242
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,958
("Heroes" playing)
243
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,798
Whew... This montage sounds
really exhausting.
244
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:36,302
-How about I just do a
walking around sad montage?
-No.
245
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,387
A montage of me turning
a ragtag Little League team
246
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,348
-into state runners-up?
-No.
247
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:41,474
Me using funny modes
of transportation
248
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:43,017
like a hot air balloon
and a camel,
249
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:44,727
and finally a pickup truck
full of chickens?
250
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,979
Then I get out of the truck
and go to thank the driver,
251
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:48,814
but then I see the
driver is a chicken?
252
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:50,232
Let’s just skip ahead a month.
253
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:53,319
{\an8}10,001... 10,002...
254
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:54,403
and... fit.
255
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,863
(phone ringing)
256
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:00,951
I gotta take this.
257
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,579
Tobey! Cider House Rules!
258
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,373
(whispers):
Total wuss.
259
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,500
Seabiscuit, you keeping
off the sugar cubes?
260
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:09,335
(whispers):
I hate this guy.
261
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:10,670
I love this guy!
262
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:13,464
Tobe, Tobe, Tobe,
we talked about this.
263
00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:15,883
If the rice ain’t brown,
don’t chow down.
264
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:18,469
Look, I gotta bail--
I’m with Everyman right now.
265
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,096
No, no, no, no, no, don’t worry.
266
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,430
He totally sucks.
267
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,474
(whispers):
I’m only lying to him.
268
00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:24,392
Good-bye!
269
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,685
(whispers):
Bad-bye.
270
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,520
Was that Tobey Maguire?
271
00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:29,814
Hey, Home Town Buffet,
like I told John Travolta,
272
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:31,607
my client list
is private.
273
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,442
You know what?
You know what?
Enough chitchat.
274
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,902
Hit the pole!
275
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,487
Stripper up...
276
00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:37,863
fireman down.
277
00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,031
And sexy.
278
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,324
Heroic!
279
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:41,659
Sexy.
280
00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,702
Heroic!
281
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:43,994
And sexy.
282
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,371
Heroic!
283
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:48,082
Earn that money.
284
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,959
Found this
on the roof.
285
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,920
Well, I think we’ve seen
the last of the Purple Pariah.
286
00:11:53,003 --> 00:11:54,422
Thanks, Everyman.
287
00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:55,548
Don’t thank me.
288
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:56,716
Thank Captain America
289
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:58,509
for giving me the patriotism
290
00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,511
to want to save
the president’s life.
291
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,138
And thank Wonder Woman
292
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:05,725
for giving me the boobs
to distract the guards.
293
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:06,684
And... cut.
294
00:12:06,767 --> 00:12:08,144
What’d you think, kids?
295
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,645
That was awesome!
296
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,814
Although there were
a few holes in the story.
297
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,858
That’s the problem when
you have 17 writers.
298
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,610
But don’t worry, we have
two fresh ones working on it.
299
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:25,578
Ooh, Homie, take
your shirt off again.
300
00:12:25,661 --> 00:12:28,581
Oh! There’s less
of you to love,
301
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:31,542
but I love you even more!
302
00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:33,419
Aah! What was that?
303
00:12:33,502 --> 00:12:34,795
Your other hand.
304
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,380
(chuckles)
305
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008
Oh...
306
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,097
(gunfire)
307
00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:50,811
(explosion)
308
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,898
(explosion)
309
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:55,274
Cut! Terrific.
310
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:56,942
Bring in
the next helicopter.
311
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:00,821
Awesome performance,
Homer.
312
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,323
I smell Oscar.
313
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:05,409
Oscar, take a shower,
or a tomato bath or something.
314
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:06,952
Please!
315
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,039
This life is the greatest--
I get paid a fortune,
316
00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,958
I’ve got a closet full
of free sneakers and watches,
317
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,960
and I get to hire
my friends.
318
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:18,005
At least you get to see
my face-- unlike Carl.
319
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,550
I’m being paid
to do what I love!
320
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:22,676
(chuckles)
321
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,221
A lot of things
come and go in life,
322
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:27,640
but not fame and fitness.
323
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:30,976
Homer! Homer Sapian, can
I have a word with you?
324
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:34,480
I know this is a bad time, but
I’m leaving for another gig.
325
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:39,652
Is that all this temporary
job was to you, a gig?
326
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,821
Don’t take it
personally, Home Team.
327
00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:44,031
But how will I keep
from overeating?
328
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:46,575
Just remember
what I taught you.
329
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,286
But you taught me
the only people
who can stay thin
330
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:52,957
are those who can
afford $5,000-a-week
nutritional consultants!
331
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,500
(quietly):
I’ve taught you well.
332
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:55,876
Goodbye.
333
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,505
(fierce yell)
334
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,726
He’s gone.
335
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,314
One cheese cube couldn’t hurt.
336
00:14:19,066 --> 00:14:21,360
Ooh! This other cheese cube
stuck to the first one.
337
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:23,529
Well, that still
technically counts as one.
338
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:28,909
Mm, it’s bad luck to eat an
uneven number of cheese cubes.
339
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,537
(chomping, gulping)
340
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,456
(chomping, gulping)
341
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,542
(chomping, gulping
continues)
342
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,131
(sobbing):
Don’t look at me!
343
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,382
(chomping)
344
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:45,092
Don’t look at me!
345
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,427
You, you watch.
346
00:14:46,510 --> 00:14:48,429
(chomping)
347
00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,185
Avery, I swear, you’re the
only man in Gothamopolis
348
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,354
who’s never seen Everyman.
349
00:14:57,438 --> 00:15:00,024
Well, one thing’s
for sure:
350
00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,901
I’m not Everyman.
351
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,823
-(snap)
-Cut!
352
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,074
(quietly):
This is a disaster.
353
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,951
I’m getting a bad
feeling about this film.
354
00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:12,828
The star’s overweight,
we’re way over budget,
355
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,997
and the grasshopperaptor
we built
356
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,291
seems to have developed
an evil mind of its own.
357
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:27,134
(humming cheerfully)
358
00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:29,303
(curious grunts)
359
00:15:30,721 --> 00:15:34,183
Oh, Marge, I’m ready
for some lovin’.
360
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,352
Come and get me!
361
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,645
(pop)
362
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:38,646
(yells)
363
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:40,898
(groans):
Oh...
364
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:42,316
Marge! Speak to me!
365
00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:45,069
I think you may have
put on a little weight.
366
00:15:45,152 --> 00:15:46,946
Nag, nag, nag!
367
00:15:48,739 --> 00:15:50,115
Apu, I have
to lose weight now.
368
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:51,867
Do you have anything
that’ll make me vomit?
369
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,285
Well, I don’t know,
370
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,622
I... might have some milk
that has expired.
371
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,583
Ah, here we are.
372
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:02,336
A delightful
buttermilk from 1961.
373
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:03,420
(blows)
374
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,381
Oh, ’61-- everyone was
375
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:08,175
twisting again like they
did the previous summer.
376
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:15,599
Whatever you do,
do not chew the chunks.
377
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,226
Uh-oh.
378
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:18,435
Oh, boy.
379
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,104
Cleanup in aisles in three,
380
00:16:20,187 --> 00:16:21,855
two, one...
381
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:26,568
And... action!
382
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,654
(groaning)
383
00:16:28,737 --> 00:16:29,822
Ugh. What?
384
00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:30,906
Cut.
385
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,700
-Where’s Homer?
-In his trailer.
386
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:35,035
-He won’t come out?
-He can’t come out.
387
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,581
Ugh!
388
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:43,210
This film is an embarrassment
of Jar-Jarrian magnitude!
389
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:47,506
As the writer, I demand
to express my opinion.
390
00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:49,425
Ooh, I’m afraid that’s
not gonna happen.
391
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,802
I see.
Well, I respect that...
392
00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:54,471
and Vulcan death
grip! (grunts)
393
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,724
Hollywood ponytail yank!
394
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,727
(wailing, shuddering)
395
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,230
My only sin was believing
in George Clooney!
396
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:05,733
(wailing)
397
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:13,949
(humming happily)
398
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,201
How you doing, man?
399
00:17:17,786 --> 00:17:20,289
Ooh, I think we have
a clunker here.
400
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,791
And I should know-- I
produced Bad Summer Movie,
401
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,462
the parody of bad summer
movies that was itself
a bad summer movie.
402
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:28,422
Don’t worry, we fixed
everything with editing.
403
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:31,508
Editing solves everything--
except my problems with the IRS.
404
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,344
Yeah, how’s that going?
405
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:46,023
(deep, gruff voice):
Everyman...
406
00:17:46,106 --> 00:17:48,484
(hisses):
show your-ssself.
407
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,736
I’m right here.
408
00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:53,197
I’ve been here all along.
409
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:08,587
(puzzled grunt)
410
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:12,674
Half the shots he’s fat,
half the shots he’s thin--
411
00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,343
it’s taking me
out of the moment.
412
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:16,845
Like when you’re kissing
a girl, and she burps.
413
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,431
Who was in charge
of continuity on this picture?
414
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:22,684
I tried to show them the
Polaroids-- they wouldn’t look.
415
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,853
It’s your job to get
their attention.
416
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,897
Nobody takes
responsibility anymore.
417
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,441
Well, I-I just wanted
to get back into the business
418
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,276
after I had my kids.
419
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,113
Yeah, well, now those kids have
an embarrassment for a mother.
420
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,824
Home Boy.
421
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:38,867
What happened, dude?
422
00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,703
You went from Everyman
to Everywhereman.
423
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:43,747
What happened is, you left!
424
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:45,582
Who did you
leave me for?
425
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,043
Tell me--
I can take it.
426
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,087
(sobbing)
427
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:53,173
Okay! It was Turtle
from Entourage.
428
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,341
I knew it!
429
00:18:54,424 --> 00:18:56,009
(wailing sobs)
430
00:18:56,844 --> 00:18:58,428
Come on, Home Run.
431
00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,763
It’s okay, Home Alone.
432
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,557
Look, I’m sorry.
433
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,393
Let me make this up to
you-- I’ll train you,
434
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:08,480
then leave you again,
then come back and train you.
435
00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,566
It’s how I make my money.
436
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,651
Just you and me?
437
00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:15,237
You, me and Turtle.
438
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:16,697
That could work.
439
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:18,782
He is a great guy.
440
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,784
(whispers):
He’s an awful guy.
441
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,162
You just said both
those things to me.
442
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,371
I’m sorry.
443
00:19:24,454 --> 00:19:26,165
(whispers):
I’m not sorry.
444
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:29,418
Look, Comic Book Guy,
about the movie,
445
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:30,961
we know it’s not great.
446
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:34,173
Yeah, the projectionist
hung himself at the final reel.
447
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,593
But you created Everyman--
your fans will think
whatever you tell ’em.
448
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,053
If you put the word out
that this movie is good,
449
00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:41,388
we’ll let you direct the sequel.
450
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:42,848
You would let me direct
451
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,434
Everyman 2:
Rise of the Revenge?
452
00:19:45,517 --> 00:19:47,853
Absolutely!
All you have to do
453
00:19:47,936 --> 00:19:51,398
is tell your army of Internet
dweebs to go see this movie.
454
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:54,693
Hmm, sell my soul
for Hollywood lucre,
455
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:57,029
or stay true to my lofty ideals.
456
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:59,031
Everyman, the motion picture,
457
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,158
is the combination
of a life-long dream,
458
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,243
and I was one of the few
459
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,829
who saw that dream realized
on screen last night.
460
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,789
If there is one fault to find
461
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,000
with this
$200 million production,
462
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:12,961
it is that this is the worst
463
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,796
movie ever!
464
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,465
And send!
465
00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:17,799
And sip.
466
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,384
(slurping)
467
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:21,511
ANNOUNCER:
Though legislation was passed
468
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:25,057
to ensure Everyman was
never seen on screens again,
469
00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:28,727
he remains in the hearts
of every man, woman and child
470
00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:30,354
looking for justice,
471
00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:33,982
or just hoping to see
bad people beaten up.
472
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,068
I’m so cold.
473
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:22,614
(people talking)
474
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,157
Shh!
475
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:28,745
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem