1
00:00:03,294 --> 00:00:06,506
CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,887
Aah!
3
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,602
(school bell ringing)
4
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:22,272
(burps)
5
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:24,441
(whistle blows)
6
00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:26,693
(yells)
7
00:00:30,655 --> 00:00:32,073
(beeping)
8
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:39,330
(playing the blues)
9
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:44,127
(playing the blues)
10
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,089
(grunts)
11
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:52,427
Whoa.
12
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,386
(gunfire)
13
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:55,889
(tires screeching)
14
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,727
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)
15
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,523
D’oh!
16
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,733
-(tires screeching)
-D’oh!
17
00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,359
(grunts)
18
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,320
ALL:
Hmm?
19
00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,906
Aha!
20
00:01:14,991 --> 00:01:19,245
(Simpsons panting)
21
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:20,246
(squeaking)
22
00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:23,249
Hmm.
23
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,250
(gasps)
24
00:01:27,629 --> 00:01:29,172
(Lisa screams, Bart cheers)
25
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,762
(grunts)
26
00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,515
(groans)
27
00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:40,058
(squeaking)
28
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,936
Hmm.
29
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,033
(glass shatters,
electrical crackling)
30
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,661
{\an8}(humming)
31
00:01:59,744 --> 00:02:03,039
(grunting)
32
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,040
Yes!
33
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,208
{\an8}(laughter)
34
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,626
{\an8}Oh, Marge,
35
00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,211
{\an8}how did you ever come up
with an idea
36
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,629
{\an8}like "crazy bowling"?
37
00:02:09,712 --> 00:02:11,256
{\an8}I Googled "girls having fun,"
38
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:14,717
{\an8}and after wading through
97,000 pages of porn,
39
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,262
{\an8}I found "crazy bowling."
40
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,097
{\an8}Hmm, that’s odd.
41
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:21,850
There isn’t a single man in
this whole bowling alley.
42
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,895
(gibbering)
...the pin!
43
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,859
(meows)
44
00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,194
{\an8}It’s pretty sad
when I can’t pick up a guy
45
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,445
{\an8}on Super Nacho Tuesday.
46
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,905
{\an8}Where’d they all go?
47
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,826
{\an8}Oh, you know men-- probably
at a baseball game or a bar.
48
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,995
(wind whistling,
crickets chirping)
49
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{\an8}♪ They did the monster ma... ♪
50
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}(skipping):
♪ They did the monster ma... ♪
51
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,500
♪ They did the monster ma... ♪
52
00:03:00,346 --> 00:03:04,559
(cheering)
53
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,734
{\an8}Come on, you pansies!
54
00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,195
{\an8}I’ve seen fiercer fights
in Parliament!
55
00:03:15,278 --> 00:03:19,282
{\an8}Yes, what is this, Prime
Minister’s Question Time?
56
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,491
{\an8}Yeah, is it that?
57
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:21,451
(Willie and Mel grunt)
58
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,244
(all cheering)
59
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,829
(cheering)
60
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:25,830
(groans)
61
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,248
(both grunt)
62
00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:28,208
(laughs)
63
00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,709
(all grunt)
64
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,588
{\an8}(both grunting)
65
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:36,216
{\an8}(bones crunch, man screams)
66
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,634
(crowd cheering)
67
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,302
{\an8}Whoo-hoo!
68
00:03:39,385 --> 00:03:42,472
{\an8}There’s no better violence
than self-inflicted violence.
69
00:03:42,555 --> 00:03:43,514
{\an8}Ow!
70
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:44,849
{\an8}(groans)
71
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,517
{\an8}Thanks for bringing
me here, Dad.
72
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,436
{\an8}I’ll remember this
day on my deathbed.
73
00:03:48,519 --> 00:03:49,646
(both sigh happily)
74
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:51,397
{\an8}Not everyone has
a deathbed, son.
75
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:52,857
{\an8}You could die suddenly.
76
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:57,195
Wow. Maybe some punk kid will
shoot me to get into a gang.
77
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,529
Maybe.
78
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,576
Three hours of half-naked guys
fighting like animals.
79
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,495
Just like the
ancient Romans.
80
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:08,164
Yeah, except their empire
was falling apart.
81
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,249
(laughs)
82
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,583
Stupid Romans.
83
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,211
Ask him.
84
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:16,756
Sir, could you sign my program
with a swear word?
85
00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:18,299
Uh, yes,
86
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:22,136
filthy but obscure with a subtle
scatological undertone.
87
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,221
Sure, no problem.
88
00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:24,264
$25, please.
89
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,223
Pay the man, boy.
90
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,100
(grumbling)
91
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:28,351
Now, listen, son,
92
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,895
{\an8}I know we saw some awesome
beat-downs tonight,
93
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:33,773
{\an8}but remember:
don’t try this at home.
94
00:04:33,856 --> 00:04:35,400
{\an8}Do it at the schoolyard.
95
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:39,362
{\an8}Someplace where, if you get
hurt, we can sue not just them
96
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,281
{\an8}but the school,
the county, the state,
97
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,157
{\an8}and that jackass
Joe Biden.
98
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,409
(cheering)
99
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:48,204
Python neck clinch
and... out.
100
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,249
Maybe I was promoted to
green belt too early.
101
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,501
Next victim.
102
00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:58,131
{\an8}Ding, ding, ding!
103
00:04:58,214 --> 00:05:00,591
{\an8}Here we go.
104
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,345
{\an8}(horn honks)
105
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,596
Where’s your brother?
106
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,516
I don’t know,
chasing ducks, buried alive?
107
00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:09,726
He’ll be missed.
108
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,144
Let’s move;
I got to collect pine cones.
109
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:13,062
{\an8}KIDS (chanting):
Die, die, die!
110
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:16,274
{\an8}-Just follow
the dies, Mom.
-(groans)
111
00:05:16,357 --> 00:05:19,193
(kids cheering)
112
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,194
(gasps)
113
00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,322
(sobbing):
Why me?
114
00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:23,656
Why me?!
115
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,325
Bart Simpson!
116
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,244
I’m glad your father
isn’t here to see this.
117
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,996
ALL:
Kill, kill, kill, kill!
118
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:33,041
HOMER (alone):
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill,
119
00:05:33,124 --> 00:05:34,876
(whispering):
kill, kill, kill...
120
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,544
Bart, let him go.
121
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:37,795
But Mom, I’m winning.
122
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,964
Look at this--
his lunch money.
123
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,633
God didn’t give you legs so
you could use them as scissors.
124
00:05:42,717 --> 00:05:44,177
Well,
I was just doing the moves
125
00:05:44,260 --> 00:05:45,303
I learned
from Ultimate Punching.
126
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,304
(gasps)
127
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,222
Ultimate Punching?!
128
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,391
"Ultimate" makes
everything worse.
129
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,559
Not Frisbee.
130
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,936
Otto, don’t you have
a sack to hacky?
131
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,104
Indeed I do.
132
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,064
One...
133
00:05:56,147 --> 00:05:57,190
Aw, I messed up.
134
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:58,274
One...
135
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,817
Aw, I messed up.
136
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:00,735
One...
137
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,278
Aw, I messed up!
138
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:06,157
Okay, I’m going to put a stop
to this Ultimate Punching.
139
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:07,825
You can’t stop
an entire sport.
140
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,535
You’d need
several other mothers,
141
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,746
some sympathetic school
officials and clergymen...
142
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:13,122
-Uh-huh.
-A place to meet...
143
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,707
-Uh-huh.
-Some snacks...
144
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,251
-What else?
-A phone tree is invaluable.
145
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,961
How you fixed for staplers?
146
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,046
Those fliers don’t stick
147
00:06:20,129 --> 00:06:21,923
to phone poles by
themselves, you know.
148
00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:24,634
Nelson, you really have
a knack for this.
149
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:26,219
Well, when I grow up,
150
00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,763
I hope to go into
event planning.
151
00:06:28,846 --> 00:06:31,224
Oh, maybe someday
you can do Lisa’s wedding.
152
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,434
Oh, I’d like that.
153
00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:38,398
(crowd cheering,
whistling)
154
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,362
-Oh, my God.
-Ooh, so violent.
155
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:46,697
-Bumped his nose!
-Oh, he hit him.
156
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,699
(grunting)
157
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:52,036
This goes on for a while.
158
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:53,413
Call me a killjoy,
159
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:56,290
but I think that because
this is not to my taste,
160
00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,543
no one else should be able
to enjoy it.
161
00:06:58,626 --> 00:06:59,794
I’m all over that.
162
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:00,711
-(all agreeing)
-Mm-hmm!
163
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,213
Mom, don’t do this.
164
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:05,633
This sport is as fun for me
as having kids is for you.
165
00:07:05,716 --> 00:07:07,093
Tell her, Dad.
166
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:09,262
You love Ultimate Punching
even more than I do.
167
00:07:09,345 --> 00:07:11,722
Ultimate Punching is
exploitative, violent,
168
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,724
and a bad influence
on our young people.
169
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,643
Studies have shown
your mother is right.
170
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:16,853
What the...?
171
00:07:16,936 --> 00:07:18,062
(sniffs)
172
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:19,939
Chocolate,
whipped cream, cherries--
173
00:07:20,022 --> 00:07:21,399
she got to you
174
00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:23,401
with a piece
of Black Forest cake.
175
00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:24,902
It wasn’t just a piece,
176
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,155
it was the whole cake!
177
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,116
(sobbing):
Frosting like snow
178
00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:33,870
on the eaves of a
Bavarian castle!
179
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,164
(sobbing)
180
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,832
Glad you didn’t come cheap.
181
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:39,333
I couldn’t help it!
182
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:44,046
She knew my one
weakness-- that I’m weak!
183
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,467
WOMEN (chanting):
One, two, we say boo!
184
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:49,510
Three, four, stop the gore!
185
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,345
Five, six, who’s got tix?
186
00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,181
Seven, eight,
use that gate.
187
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,098
(Homer and Bart giggling)
188
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,475
Ooh!
189
00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:58,060
We need to take this
into the belly of the beast.
190
00:07:58,144 --> 00:08:00,104
Mr. Scalper,
give me a ticket.
191
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:01,606
I am not a scalper.
192
00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:04,275
I am a dude whose 200 friends
did not show up.
193
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,736
(annoyed grunt)
194
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:08,029
What do we do now?
195
00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:09,489
Let’s talk about Marge
behind her back.
196
00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:10,656
Have you ever noticed
197
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,992
how that baby of hers
never says a thing?
198
00:08:13,075 --> 00:08:14,744
I think it saw
something awful.
199
00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,496
-Me, too.
-That’s exactly
what it is.
200
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,039
-Oh, what else
could it be?
-Mm-mm-mm.
201
00:08:27,798 --> 00:08:28,966
Hmm.
202
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,427
That woman has
natural breasts.
203
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,887
This can’t be good.
204
00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:34,889
(gate rattling)
205
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:40,186
I’m Marge Simpson,
and I will not rest
206
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,022
until you tear down
this septagon.
207
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,316
CROWD:
What?! Boo!
208
00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:46,234
Crazy dame.
209
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:47,777
Nobody tears down
the septagon.
210
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,446
Except for the arena crew
because Hufflesnuffs on Ice
211
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,532
needs the space
tomorrow.
212
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:55,660
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute,
I have a better idea.
213
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,455
Marge, I’m Chett Englebrecht,
214
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:04,210
UPKCC founder, commissioner,
and public face of the sport.
215
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:06,170
(roaring):
Yeah-ah!
216
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,964
(crowd roaring)
217
00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,257
Pleased to meet you, Chett.
218
00:09:09,340 --> 00:09:10,800
(all booing)
219
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:12,260
Guys, please.
220
00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:14,554
When you yell like that,
no one can hear me.
221
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:16,847
(booing louder)
222
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,392
Chett, I’m here to ask
you one simple thing:
223
00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:21,143
please go out of business
224
00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,646
and donate all your profits
to charity.
225
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,147
ALL:
Boo!
226
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,524
At least in other sports,
227
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,485
they’re trying to put a
ball in a net or a zone,
228
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,154
but in this sport they don’t put
anything in anything,
229
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,156
and if they did,
I wouldn’t want to see it.
230
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,199
Hmm.
231
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,409
Okay, you win.
232
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:37,660
ALL:
What?!
233
00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,662
Annoying lady,
you make a great point.
234
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,707
I am going to shut down
this sport.
235
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,709
-Really?
-If you meet me
236
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:47,545
in the septagon,
fight me, and beat me.
237
00:09:47,628 --> 00:09:48,588
What?!
238
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,172
That’s crazy.
239
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,757
What’s wrong, Marge?
240
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,260
Do you have
to ask your husband?
241
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:55,511
(crowd laughing heartily)
242
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,305
-MAN: Good one!
-MAN 2: Zing!
243
00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,265
(donkey brays)
244
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:01,309
That flattens my soda pop.
245
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,310
You’re on.
246
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:03,561
(crowd cheering)
247
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,563
What’d I miss?
248
00:10:05,646 --> 00:10:06,772
Mmm, nothin’.
249
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,029
Mom, you can’t fight that guy.
250
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:15,114
Yeah, Marge, he’ll
knock your block off--
251
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:16,866
your beautiful block.
252
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:18,409
Thank you, Homie.
253
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:21,329
Listen, of all the crazy things
I’ve ever done,
254
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:24,040
this is the craziest,
and you’re doing it.
255
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,583
I can’t back out.
256
00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:28,169
This is for a cause
that’s bigger than I am.
257
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:30,004
If Gandhi could go
without eating
258
00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:33,799
for a whole three-hour movie,
I can do this.
259
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:35,009
Besides,
I’m a woman.
260
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:36,636
He’ll probably
go easy on me.
261
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:37,845
Or kick the crap out of you.
262
00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:40,598
Watch your
language, moron.
263
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,016
Hmm?
264
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:44,393
(hard rock guitar riffs playing)
265
00:10:49,690 --> 00:10:51,484
(laughing)
266
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,443
(grunts nervously)
267
00:10:54,278 --> 00:10:56,238
If I’m going to open a can
of whup-tushy,
268
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,909
I’d better get in shape
with some rhythmic gymnastics.
269
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,328
-(classical piano playing)
-Ah!
270
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,581
Ah!
271
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,916
Aha!
272
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,918
♪ Ah-la! ♪
273
00:11:09,001 --> 00:11:09,919
♪ La-la-la-la-la! ♪
274
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,462
Someone’s got
to stop her
275
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:12,713
from going through
with this fight.
276
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:15,925
This goes against every
feminist bone in my body,
277
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,010
but Dad, can’t you control
your woman?
278
00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:19,804
How can I control her?
279
00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:21,430
I have nothing
to withhold!
280
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,766
Oh, man, now she’s writing
cutesy things
281
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:24,809
with the ribbon.
282
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:26,769
(classical melody continues)
283
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:28,979
(sighs)
284
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:33,067
Ah-ah!
285
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,735
Homer, this is bad.
286
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,028
One unlucky punch
287
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,947
and Marge could be
bedridden for life.
288
00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,783
Unable to move anything
but her left toe.
289
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:41,992
Yeah.
290
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:47,665
Oh, Marge, if only I knew
what these paintings meant.
291
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,251
(sobbing)
292
00:11:50,334 --> 00:11:53,713
I know the woman I loved is
still in there somewhere,
293
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,632
behind all this nonsense.
294
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,051
We’ve gotta get Marge some
professional training.
295
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,054
Carl, do you know heavyweight
champ Drederick Tatum?
296
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,681
What? You think just
’cause I’m black
297
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:04,765
I know all other
black people?
298
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,267
Well, I, uh, uh...
299
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:08,519
Actually, Drederick and I
are very good friends.
300
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:09,937
We met through
Dr. Hibbert
301
00:12:10,020 --> 00:12:12,106
at a party at Bleeding
Gums Murphy’s house.
302
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:14,608
Well, Marge, you have definitely
come to the right crib.
303
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:15,901
I’m always happy
304
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,611
to impart
my pugilistic prowess
305
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,280
to a punching parvenu.
306
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:22,324
Now, the first lesson will
be to work the tattoos.
307
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,035
Flaming skull.
Obama.
308
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:27,121
Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo.
Scooby-Doo.
309
00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,914
Now, work
"The Lord’s Prayer."
310
00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,708
I’m gonna order
some lion food.
311
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:31,876
Hello? Yeah,
how you doin’?
312
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:34,712
I’d like to order
two gazelles, an impala,
313
00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:36,380
and throw in a couple
of wildebeests.
314
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,049
Oh, and a two-liter bottle
of diet cherry cola.
315
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,551
You just have
one-liter bottles?
316
00:12:40,634 --> 00:12:41,510
Okay, cancel
the whole order.
317
00:12:43,345 --> 00:12:47,057
The second element of mixed
martial arts is jujitsu,
318
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:49,226
in which we use an
opponent’s strength
319
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,478
against himself.
320
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:53,272
But I sneak some of my
strength in there, too.
321
00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:54,273
(chuckles)
322
00:12:54,356 --> 00:12:57,109
Now, attack me
with great anger!
323
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,277
(karate yell)
324
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,445
Surprising move!
325
00:12:59,528 --> 00:13:01,113
(groans)
326
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:02,740
Next: Homer, hajime!
327
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,867
(karate yell)
328
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,285
Mmm? Hmm?
329
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,287
Now, we stick foot in mouth,
330
00:13:08,370 --> 00:13:09,997
tie arms like pretzel,
331
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,167
and pop discs in spine
like bubble wrap.
332
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:15,211
(popping)
333
00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,670
(chuckles)
334
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:17,713
Is he okay?
335
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,757
Oh, he feels no pain.
336
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:20,966
(muffled screams)
337
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,636
Sorry, my English
is not so good.
338
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,638
I mean, he feels
only pain.
339
00:13:25,721 --> 00:13:26,514
(muffled screech)
340
00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,015
(classical music plays)
341
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:29,767
Back when I wrestled at Yale,
342
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:31,685
I was in the lightest
weight category--
343
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:32,686
"ether weight."
344
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:34,772
Now, get ready to
face the wrath
345
00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:36,190
of the "New Haven Nuisance!"
346
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:40,194
CHORUS:
♪ Boola Boola, Boola Boola ♪
347
00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:41,862
♪ Boola Boola... ♪
348
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,239
(grunting)
349
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:45,199
(grunts, gasps)
350
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,076
(grunting)
351
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,369
Side-mount!
352
00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,411
Takedown! Advantage!
353
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,746
Reversal! Reversal!
354
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,456
Clinch! Clinch, I say!
355
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,375
(sighing):
Listen,
356
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,836
I’m late
for a PTA meeting.
357
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,295
In order to save money,
358
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,631
the following presidents
will no longer be taught:
359
00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:03,843
Buchanan, Fillmore,
Pierce, Bush, Bush--
360
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,928
could you please stop that?
361
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,388
Saratoga slam!
362
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,597
Aristotle’s dilemma!
363
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:09,974
Knickerbocker
knucklebreaker!
364
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,183
And so on.
365
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,518
(snoring)
366
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,812
Marge, I bet
we got ten minutes
367
00:14:14,895 --> 00:14:16,897
till the kids wake up.
368
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,607
(both moaning)
369
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,360
-Marge! Marge! Marge!
-Huh?
370
00:14:21,443 --> 00:14:22,194
(gasp, scream)
371
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,989
Tomorrow night your bedroom
will be the septagon.
372
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:27,366
Your sleeping pill
will be my punches.
373
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:29,201
By the way, what’s that book
you’re reading?
374
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:30,870
Eat, Pray, Love.
375
00:14:30,953 --> 00:14:33,455
More like "Beat, Slay, Shove!"
376
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,583
The fireworks begin tomorrow!
377
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,376
(fireworks whistling, popping)
378
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,336
I said tomorrow!
379
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,421
No can do.
380
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:41,630
We’re out of fireworks.
381
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,299
Why’d you shoot ’em off now?
382
00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:45,551
I have trouble concentrating.
383
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:47,553
I should be on antidepressants.
384
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:48,804
Ugh. Where was I?
385
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:49,972
"Beat, Slay, Shove."
386
00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,016
Right-- "Beat, Slay, Shove!"
387
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,518
The fireworks start tomorrow!
388
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,186
(fireworks whistling, popping)
389
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,772
I found some more,
but that was it!
390
00:14:58,856 --> 00:14:59,857
Mmm.
391
00:15:02,776 --> 00:15:05,821
A lot of people think
bullies are born awesome,
392
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,449
but the fact is,
we have to train.
393
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,994
You don’t get garlic knots like
these unless you work the bag.
394
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:14,496
(whistling)
395
00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,124
-(grunts)
-(groans)
396
00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:19,543
-(giggles)
-Is there someone in there?
397
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,128
It’s my own fault.
398
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,839
I looked them in the eye when
I gave them my lunch money.
399
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,050
Someone should tell
your principal!
400
00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,760
I’m well aware
of the situation.
401
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:31,722
(electric organ playing
melodramatic melody)
402
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:37,186
Mom,
403
00:15:37,269 --> 00:15:38,646
I came here to tell you
404
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,648
it’s not too late
to back out.
405
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,483
I can’t back out,
406
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:44,234
because if I fight him
tomorrow,
407
00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:47,446
it’ll be a less violent world
for you kids in the future.
408
00:15:47,529 --> 00:15:49,448
There must be
a better way.
409
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:51,617
HOMER:
There certainly is!
410
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,411
Marge Simpson reporting
for duty!
411
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,538
(Marge-like murmuring)
412
00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:59,083
Dad, I keep telling you,
that won’t work.
413
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:00,334
Let’s go, Marge.
414
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:02,544
My class reunion starts
in an hour.
415
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,630
Uh, Moe, I have
a confession to make.
416
00:16:04,713 --> 00:16:06,465
I’m just Homer
dressed as Marge.
417
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:09,093
Yeah, but last year I took
Barney dressed as Marge.
418
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,594
Think how much better
they’ll think you look.
419
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:11,845
Mmm?
420
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,055
Well, you’d better
not leave me
421
00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,723
and talk to your
old friends all night.
422
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,267
Keep talkin’ like that
and I’ll leave you
here right now!
423
00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,811
(fanfare playing)
424
00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,981
Krusty, I’m honored
you invited me tonight.
425
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,358
Yeah, I thought
a noisy public place
426
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:25,818
would be the best spot
to tell you
427
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,027
that I’ve been
dating your wife.
428
00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:28,320
(gasps)
What?!
429
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,489
Also, could you tell her
I’m dumping her?
430
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:32,491
After 11 years,
the thrill is gone.
431
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,284
I... I... uh...
432
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:37,329
Marge, I tried my best to
talk you out of this.
433
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:40,165
But since you’re going through
with it, I beg you,
434
00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:43,669
just stay out of his way
and don’t get hurt.
435
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,838
And, Mom, if you punch
him in the junk,
436
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,715
you’ll get no disrespect
from me.
437
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,591
Hey, Bart, did you know
that’s a haiku?
438
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,552
BART:
Huh?
439
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:52,761
(grunts)
440
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,139
-(bell clanging in arena)
-(groans)
441
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,598
(audience chattering)
442
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,351
Time to square off in the ring--
443
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,603
that is, The Septagon!
444
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,023
In this corner,
weighing in at...
445
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,691
Nobody needs to know that!
446
00:17:05,774 --> 00:17:06,525
Skip ahead!
447
00:17:06,608 --> 00:17:08,485
Stands the "Mom
I’d Like To Fight"--
448
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,529
Marge Simpson!
449
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:13,449
(cheering, applause,
whistling)
450
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:17,536
And four obtuse angles over,
weighing in at 115 pounds,
451
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,998
Chett Englebrecht!
452
00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:22,916
CROWD (chanting):
Chett! Chett! Chett!
453
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,587
Chett! Chett! Chett!
Chett! Chett! Chett!
454
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,922
And, now... let’s begin
455
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:31,508
to rumba!
456
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,427
We’ve been ready for hours!
457
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:37,473
I had car trouble!
458
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:38,307
(clangs)
459
00:17:38,390 --> 00:17:40,726
(cheering)
460
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:41,894
Don’t worry, Marge.
461
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:42,811
Don’t want to hurt you.
462
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,022
-(sighing) I knew it!
-Pow!
463
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,441
(groans)
464
00:17:47,524 --> 00:17:50,694
That’s the first time I ever hit
a woman I didn’t love. Wow.
465
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,699
(groaning)
Nine... aah!
466
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:57,785
Come on! Come on!
Get back on your feet!
467
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:58,911
I believe in you!
468
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,454
I’m doin’ it, Moe!
469
00:18:00,537 --> 00:18:01,538
Not you.
470
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:02,372
Oh, thank God.
471
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,832
The pressure’s off.
472
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:04,875
(panting)
473
00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:06,043
I’ll save you,
Marge!
474
00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:07,961
(groans)
475
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,421
(gagging)
476
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,547
(grunting)
477
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:12,049
Hit my Mom, will ya?
478
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,301
Well, I’m gonna knock you out
and moon your corpse.
479
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,886
-(crowd booing)
-Heck, I’ll fight anyone.
480
00:18:15,969 --> 00:18:17,846
Except a man
my own size.
481
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,139
(whimpering)
482
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,642
(sighs, grunts)
483
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:22,810
(gasps)
484
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:23,811
Yeah!
485
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,146
(all cheering)
486
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,148
(grunting)
487
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,943
That’s... my... son.
488
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:33,987
(screeching)
489
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,906
(yelling, grunting)
490
00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:36,907
Whoo-hoo!
491
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:38,033
(sighs)
492
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,576
(grunts)
493
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,578
(groans)
494
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,413
(grunts)
495
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:44,498
(groans)
496
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:45,874
Tap out!
497
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,751
Don’t make me
break your arm!
498
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,963
Lady, why don’t you break out
the lipstick and kiss my ass?
499
00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:52,339
There sure is a
lot o’ talkin’
500
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:53,799
for a professional fight.
501
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,759
Eh, that’s what you get
when you fight a woman.
502
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,094
Yap, yap, yap.
503
00:18:57,177 --> 00:18:58,929
And they spend all day
eating bonbons
504
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,389
and watching
General Hospital.
505
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,016
Which, by the way,
has never been better.
506
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,601
Mmm! Mmm!
507
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:06,186
Okay, I give!
I give! I give!
508
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:07,187
You’re better
than me!
509
00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,148
Really?
Ooh, thank you.
510
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:10,274
Now, let me go...
511
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,484
turn your back and take a bow.
512
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:13,902
Okeydoke.
513
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:14,903
(giggles)
514
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,948
(cheering, applause, whistling)
515
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:19,908
Thank you!
516
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,743
Mmm!
517
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,289
(gasps)
518
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,709
(groans)
519
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,378
(cheering)
520
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,217
I’d just like to say one thing.
521
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:39,303
I only agreed to this fight
522
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,972
because I wanted
to stop the violence.
523
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:43,932
And sure I got into great shape
524
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,475
and met some fun people,
525
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:48,937
but I ended up discovering
my own dark side.
526
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,772
So from now on,
527
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,359
the only thing I’m fighting is
this cold I’m coming down with.
528
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,154
(sneezing)
529
00:19:57,237 --> 00:19:59,281
Mom, that’s
a beautiful thought.
530
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:00,699
Yeah, well,
531
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:02,826
I wish somebody would’ve
stuck around to hear it.
532
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,244
Where did they all go?
533
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,205
Two drunk guys were
fighting outside
534
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,207
and everyone went
to watch.
535
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,833
Ooh, ooh, can
I go, Marge?
536
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:10,709
Can I? Can I?
537
00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:12,502
No. Let’s go home.
538
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,589
We can enjoy some mixed
"marital" arts.
539
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:18,550
Oh, no holds barred.
540
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,093
(both laugh)
541
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,720
-Hey, Lise...
-Yeah?
542
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,431
I don’t know when we’ll
be in a septagon again.
543
00:20:24,514 --> 00:20:25,849
Want to settle
this bad blood
544
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,227
that’s been going on between us
since you were born?
545
00:20:29,102 --> 00:20:32,147
You’re on.
546
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,024
(wailing rock chords
playing on electric guitar)
547
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:36,401
(both grunting)
548
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,493
-(grunts)
-(groans)
549
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:48,455
(satisfied snicker)
550
00:20:48,538 --> 00:20:51,833
JAUNTY CHORUS:
♪ Boola Boola, Boola Boola ♪
551
00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:54,836
♪ Boola Boola,
Boola Boola ♪
552
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,799
♪ When we’re through
with those poor fellows ♪
553
00:20:58,882 --> 00:21:01,802
♪ They will holler Boola, Boo ♪
554
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:03,971
(lively
accordion interlude)
555
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:23,699
♪ Boola Boola, Boola Boola ♪
556
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:27,035
♪ Boola Boola,
Boola Boola ♪
557
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,204
♪ When we’re through with... ♪
558
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,580
Shh!
559
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,378
{\an8}Enhanced by Fotokem