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-CHORUS SINGS:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(chuckling)
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00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:09,592
D'oh!
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(tires screeching)
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(grunts)
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(panting)
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(growling)
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(barking)
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♪♪
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{\an8}NED:
Thank you all for coming.
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{\an8}Now, let's start with the words
everyone loves to hear:
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{\an8}"Welcome to Bible study!"
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{\an8}Today, my readin'
ribbon's smack-dab
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{\an8}in the middle
of Matthew 23.
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{\an8}Now let us download
the holy tweet of the Lord.
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{\an8}Stop making this relatable.
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{\an8}Hey, as a youth,
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{\an8}if I don't hear a computer word
every couple sentences,
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{\an8}I am outta here.
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{\an8}Duly noted.
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{\an8}But we will make sure
not to dilute the sacred gospel.
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{\an8}Mouse pad!
Double click! Skype!
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{\an8}Skype!
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{\an8}(clears throat)
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{\an8}Matthew 23:
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{\an8}"Then spake Jesus
to the multitude,
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{\an8}and to his disciples, saying..."
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{\an8}HOMER:
Hey, my bathing suit came off!
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{\an8}Whoo!
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{\an8}Whoa!
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{\an8}Hey, it floats!
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{\an8}(sighs)
I'll handle this.
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{\an8}Schnell! Schnell!
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{\an8}-(ringing)
-(Homer cheering)
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{\an8}(groans)
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{\an8}Homer Simpson.
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{\an8}You are the most infuriating,
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{\an8}Netflix DVD-burglaring,
barbecue-not-putting-out...
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{\an8}(hooting)
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{\an8}...man I ever met!
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{\an8}Hold that thought.
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{\an8}Oh!
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{\an8}That man is beyond
redemption.
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{\an8}That might seem
to be true...
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{\an8}I sense a "but"
coming, Reverend...
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{\an8}HOMER:
Here comes the butt!
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{\an8}But I think you're up
to the challenge, Ned.
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{\an8}Oh, Reverend, I've been working
my Bible to the bone
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{\an8}trying to save that man.
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{\an8}You know, Ned, God has never
given up on anyone.
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{\an8}What about Sodom
and Gomorrah?
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{\an8}He lovingly
destroyed them.
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{\an8}Instead of
pushing Homer away,
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{\an8}can't you find a way
to reach out and bring him in?
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{\an8}(chanting)
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(sighs)
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Homer?
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{\an8}(clears throat)
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{\an8}You know, our Bible study group
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{\an8}is going
to the Holy Land next month.
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{\an8}I'd like you and your family
to come as my guests.
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Hmm, let me think...
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Take my family to a war zone
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on a bus filled
with religious lame-os
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in a country with no pork
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in a desert with no casinos...
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Ooh, where do I sign up?
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Homer, I can hear your sarcasm
from inside the house.
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And the dishwasher's on!
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What's going on here?
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00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,023
Mr. Flanders
invited us to Israel.
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I think he wants
to get Dad into Heaven.
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-Great. More hell for me.
-(Bart and Homer laugh)
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Ned Flanders, you would take
our family to the Holy Land
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just to try to make my husband
a better man?
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Yep. I also want to try
something called "pita bread."
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Well, we will take you up
on your offer.
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Oh...
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But we insist on
paying our own way.
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Oh!
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And Homer, put
on some pants.
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(screaming)
Oh!
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The man hates pants.
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♪♪
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(glass shatters)
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ALL:
L'chaim!
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Homie, just tell them
what they want to hear.
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I can't!
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Latkes aren't as good
as American pancakes.
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(groans)
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They're okay with applesauce.
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True enough.
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(grunts)
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A truckload of applesauce!
Eh...
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Krusty, I've been
meaning to ask.
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What are you doing
on this tour?
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00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:20,551
I believe that every Jew
should make a pilgrimage
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to Israel before he dies.
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Yes, it is fitting.
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(laughs)
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Don't want to end up in hell.
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Jews don't
believe in hell.
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No hell?
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Thank you, kid.
You made my day.
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(vocalizing)
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(fiddle playing)
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You're being paid
to clean the gutters!
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This country's so historic.
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For all we know, Jesus
could have given a talk
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in Conference Room C.
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MAN:
Welcome, welcome!
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-Hey.
-Hey.
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My name is Jacob.
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You may notice I speak the
English with a slight accent.
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This is because, as you
have probably guessed,
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I used to live in London,
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and that is why I sound
like Hugh Grant.
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Come on. Let's go.
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We've got a lot of holy
sites to see. Yallah!
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We finish early,
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we go to jewelry store
owned by my cousins.
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(all laughing)
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No joke. Is true.
Great prices.
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You got to haggle. Otherwise
they don't respect you!
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Come on. Let's go!
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Do you have any safety tips?
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What are you talking about?
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Israel is the safest country
in the world.
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The only danger here
is dehydration.
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Drink water.
Don't die. Looks bad on me.
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Come on. Shut your face.
Let's go.
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But it says here
in the brochure...
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Brochure? Brochure?
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Brochure?
Who wrote your brochure?
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The same schmuck
who wrote the New Testament?
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I can't talk to you.
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You talk to my
niece, Doreet.
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Doreet, talk
to the stupids.
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Shalom, goyim!
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Shalom to you!
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Shalom is the "aloha"
of this place.
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Okay, okay, lady.
You done talking now?
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Who is licensed tour guide here,
you or me?
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Now, everybody, we have
no time to see Masada.
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Everybody died
there for nothing.
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Okay, first stop:
Old City.
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Come on. Let's go.
Please, shut your face!
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(gasps):
The Old City.
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Where B.C. turned
into A.D.! Let's go!
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Flanders, that stuff's been here
for thousands of years.
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But the breakfast buffet
at this hotel,
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which is included
in our package,
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closes in ten minutes!
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00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,051
Homer, that's not
why we're here.
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We can see the stations
of the cross.
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After we see the stations
of the omelet bar.
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(groans)
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00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,726
Okay, let's just
put it to a vote.
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I can't believe
we lost, Reverend.
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Mm-hmm.
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These blueberry
muffins are bigger
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than the ones we
had at Pechanga.
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Finally, something you like
better than Pechanga.
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♪♪
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Okay, everybody. Please
shut your face. Here we go.
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This sacred spot on Mount Zion
is King David's tomb.
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Also, where your Jesus,
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who was a native-born Israeli,
by the way--
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sandals, circumcised,
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00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,797
perfect English accent,
the whole deal...
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This is where
he had his last supper
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before they took him away
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and hammered him up
on that cross.
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00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:09,762
(laughing)
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00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:12,432
Hey, you. You're not part
of the group. No listening!
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What? Is Israel.
Is free country.
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00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:20,189
(yelling in Hebrew)
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00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,274
(bleep)
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00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:28,322
(continues yelling in Hebrew)
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00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:31,701
(bleep)
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00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,453
Okay, that's it.
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Because of him,
no Armenian quarter.
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Forget it. It's gone.
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All thanks to
Mr. Listen-for-Free.
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Lord, please help Homer
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experience the redemptive power
of this sacred land.
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(gasps) He's going
for the record.
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00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,427
He's going
for the record!
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00:07:51,387 --> 00:07:52,180
(groans)
189
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,515
Flanders, you're not supposed
to help him.
190
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,726
Yeah, thanks a lot, Flanders.
191
00:07:56,809 --> 00:07:58,186
(sighs)
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00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,188
Homer, do you think
you could show
193
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,690
just the slightest bit
of reverence?
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00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,859
Ned, I'm an
American tourist.
195
00:08:04,942 --> 00:08:08,029
I'm just here to see some
sights, try goofy new food
196
00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:11,908
and spread some shekels with my
Carolina Panthers credit card.
197
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,409
Panthers!
198
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,329
(sighs) Homer, could you at
least turn the camera off?
199
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,582
If you say it
like Dracula, I will.
200
00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,667
-Homer...
-Please, please, please...
201
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,044
Bleh!
202
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:24,086
(laughing)
203
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,964
That is going right
on StupidFlanders.org.
204
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,717
You know, Homer,
you might really benefit
205
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,513
from opening your heart to
the spirituality of this place.
206
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,056
Please, neighbor?
207
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,933
This really means
a lot to you, huh?
208
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:39,519
Yes, but it
means more to you.
209
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,854
Boy, are you lousy
at reading minds.
210
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:43,147
Okay, okay.
211
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:44,774
For you, I'll try.
212
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,904
FLANDERS:
Lord, I think I may
have finally reached him.
213
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,450
FLANDERS (on recording):
Bleh! Bleh! Bleh!
214
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,910
Homer, quit
playing that back.
215
00:08:55,993 --> 00:08:58,454
I'm not. It's
my ring tone.
216
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,081
Yello.
This is he.
217
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:01,374
Yeah, I wanted to know:
218
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,960
do you deliver falafels
to the top of Mount Zion?
219
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,087
Great. I'd like
a large falafel
220
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,339
with pepperoni, sausage,
and extra cheese.
221
00:09:08,422 --> 00:09:10,716
Yes, I know
what a falafel is.
222
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:11,801
(sighs)
223
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,724
This, eh... Everybody,
look at my face.
224
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:22,019
This is the Western, or
as you say, Wailing Wall.
225
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,855
It is believed that the Lord
will grant the prayers
226
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,274
that are stuck into the cracks.
227
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,652
Please, no graffiti,
no making the pishen. Yallah.
228
00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:32,822
"Dear Lord: please fix the
following parking tickets:
229
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:35,533
A647253,
230
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:39,203
SP90325,
231
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:42,623
Shelbyville 932871..."
232
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,378
Sad.
233
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:49,380
Never gonna happen.
234
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:50,965
Sad.
235
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,717
Maybe, if you were Brad Pitt.
236
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,302
Hey, boy, we're supposed
to be acting religiousy.
237
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,012
What are you up to?
238
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,723
Reading prayers and
ignoring them, just like God.
239
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,683
Hey, this one's from you.
240
00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,435
"Dear Lord,
don't let Marge find out
241
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:05,730
the hotel leaves chocolates
on the pillows at night."
242
00:10:05,813 --> 00:10:07,189
Why, you little...
243
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,692
(choking)
244
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:11,569
"Give my dad
another heart attack?"
245
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:14,989
(shouts)
246
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,538
Smite him like
the firstborn of Egypt.
247
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:26,167
Dead baby, dead baby, Passover,
dead baby, dead baby...
248
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:31,922
(chicken clucks)
249
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:51,942
(man crying prayer call)
250
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,819
Hey, why am I
running from a girl?
251
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,238
Call me when you're old enough
for your bat mitzvah.
252
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,032
I'll bring you an envelope
full of nothin'.
253
00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,034
(grunts)
254
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,077
Karate!
255
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:01,952
Krav maga!
256
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,079
Krav ma-wha?
257
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:04,580
Israeli karate.
258
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,248
Less hyah,
259
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,458
more hyah
260
00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:09,168
ha-mee-ha-gee!
261
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,087
(grunts)
262
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,672
(grunting)
263
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,298
You don't fight like a girl.
264
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,716
Or even a Milhouse.
265
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,301
I don't know what is
"Milhouse."
266
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,594
(grunting)
267
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,596
I work security
for the tour.
268
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,556
Dealing with American
punks like you
269
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,016
counts as my
military service.
270
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,143
And we know
all about you.
271
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,063
BART: Ay, caramba.
272
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:32,108
Hey, is that
the Ark of the Covenant?
273
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,109
(grunting)
274
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:34,944
Karate!
275
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,613
Once again, Krav maga!
276
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,699
(grunting)
277
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,242
Quit going for my groin!
278
00:11:41,325 --> 00:11:43,035
No groin, no Krav maga.
279
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,370
(grunting in pain)
280
00:11:44,453 --> 00:11:46,080
Hello, groin.
281
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,959
(speaks Hebrew)
Come on, come on!
282
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,336
Everybody finish lemon ice--
not allowed inside.
283
00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:56,716
Before us stands the Church
of the Holy Sepulchre,
284
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,677
believed to be the home
of the tomb of your Lord.
285
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,221
Or as he's known here,
"the man in the underpants."
286
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:03,556
Beautiful tachtoonim.
287
00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:04,807
Oh, and what abs!
288
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,475
He was a real good-looking one.
289
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,978
Nice hair. Conditioner?
I think so.
290
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,896
And, Lord, thank you
for letting me see
291
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,566
this wonderful place
where the end of the world
292
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,359
will soon begin.
293
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,778
And thank you again for
the challenge of Homer Simpson.
294
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,697
We've all got
our crosses to bear.
295
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,366
Me Homer, you... the cross.
296
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,702
And now, let me gaze
with reverence
297
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,245
upon the holy
resting place that...
298
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:27,580
-(snoring)
-(yells)
299
00:12:27,663 --> 00:12:29,123
(mutters):
Uh, wha...?
300
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:31,917
Homer, this is the
most sacred spot
301
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,503
in Christendom, not
your backyard hammock!
302
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,963
I'm sorry.
303
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:38,674
It's just that these tours
are so exhausting.
304
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,594
You're jet-lagged.
You're walking around all day.
305
00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,096
It's so hard to sleep
knowing Marge and the kids
306
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,390
are all stuck
in one small room, and...
307
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:48,142
it's so nice and cool
308
00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:50,936
-in the Tomb
of the Unknown Savior.
-Unknown?
309
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,689
This is the tomb of the most
famous man who ever lived!
310
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,815
Porky Pig?
311
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,192
Porky Pig's not a man!
312
00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:59,487
He's a pig, and he's
not even a real pig!
313
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,406
But he is
buried here, right?
314
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,617
That's it!
I'm losing it!
315
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:06,869
I'm losing it!
You come all the way
316
00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:08,496
to Jerusalem, the happiest
place on earth,
317
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,999
and all the photos
in your camera are
of funny soda pops?
318
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,209
(groans)
319
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,126
Oh, will you...
320
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,336
You are such a...
321
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:16,629
Ah!
322
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:19,173
(chuckles):
Chickpea Fizz!
323
00:13:19,256 --> 00:13:21,342
Delete. Delete. Delete.
324
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,885
Whatever.
It's your camera.
325
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,261
(screams)
326
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,179
(grunts)
327
00:13:25,262 --> 00:13:27,264
(grunting,
thumping)
328
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,391
(grunts)
329
00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:33,103
Please, you've got
to let me back in.
330
00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:35,439
I sold 6,000 rolls
of wrapping paper to get here.
331
00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,565
That's your problem.
332
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,025
You, my friend, are banned
333
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,652
from ever entering
this church again.
334
00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:40,569
(slams door)
335
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,822
B-Banned for life?
336
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,366
Homer, do you know
why I'm a Christian?
337
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,784
Your parents made you?
338
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,161
It's because I
believe every soul
339
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,372
has the possibility
of salvation.
340
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,958
At least I thought so
till now.
341
00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:57,920
Homer Simpson,
you are not worth saving.
342
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,798
What? But I thought
we'd be neighbors in Heaven.
343
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:03,551
-Goofing on all
the new dead people.
-Not...
344
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,011
worth... saving!
345
00:14:06,095 --> 00:14:08,097
HOMER:
Ned! Ned, wait up!
346
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,352
Ned!
(gasps)
347
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,939
Ned's run off into the desert!
348
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:17,940
Aha!
349
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:21,569
A sand horse--
car of the desert!
350
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:31,745
(camel grunting)
351
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,459
Mmm!
352
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:39,545
Nothing like a tall glass
of lukewarm water
353
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,673
-to Jekyll down this Hyde.
-(wind whooshing)
354
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:44,633
Ooh, looks like
a sandstorm's brewing.
355
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,094
I'll just wait it out
at a movie.
356
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:51,682
Orthobot Prime,
357
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,226
the battle begins!
358
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:57,396
Not so fast--
we can't transform
on the Sabbath!
359
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:01,233
Let us power down
and contemplate the Torah.
360
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,777
(mechanical whirring)
361
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:06,530
(robots praying)
362
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:12,202
(orchestral theme from
Lawrence of Arabia playing)
363
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,371
Flanders!
364
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,540
Stupid Flanders!
365
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,210
(wind whooshing)
366
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,004
(grunting, spitting)
367
00:15:22,087 --> 00:15:24,965
Oh! There's sand
in my shoe! Ooh!
368
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:29,219
(relieved sighs):
Oh! Oh...!
369
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,680
(camel grunting)
370
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,934
Good luck surviving without me!
371
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,478
(to Lawrence of Arabia theme):
♪ Thirsty ♪
372
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,606
♪ I am so thirsty ♪
373
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:44,693
♪ And hungry and horny ♪
374
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:49,198
♪ But mostly just thirsty ♪
375
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:53,285
♪ I am so thirsty ♪
376
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:54,161
Huh?
377
00:15:54,244 --> 00:15:55,663
(gasps):
Water!
378
00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,292
(hoarsely):
Oh! So salty!
379
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:03,629
Maybe if I add a little salt.
380
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:09,843
(dramatic music plays)
381
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:13,472
(choir vocalizing)
382
00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:17,226
-(thunder rumbling)
-(wind whistling)
383
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:21,105
(choir vocalizing)
384
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,399
(sobbing)
385
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:29,446
(sobbing loudly)
386
00:16:31,865 --> 00:16:33,826
You have been chosen, Homer.
387
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,328
Chosen for what,
O mighty gherkin?
388
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:39,289
Rise and listen, my child.
389
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,458
Yours is
a great destiny.
390
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:44,795
Pickle, carrot, tomato, pickle,
391
00:16:44,878 --> 00:16:45,921
carrot, tomato, pickle, carrot,
392
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,923
tomato, pickle,
carrot, tomato...
393
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:52,636
Oh, Homie,
you're alive!
394
00:16:53,762 --> 00:16:55,806
I am more than alive, woman.
395
00:16:55,889 --> 00:16:58,017
I am the Chosen One
396
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,853
who shall unite all the faiths
of the Holy Land!
397
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:04,148
I am... the Messiah!
398
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:06,233
But you still have
our passports, right?
399
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:08,027
Oh, yeah.
400
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,987
Gotta keep track of those.
401
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,031
(shouts):
The Messiah...
402
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,241
(normal voice):
has the passports.
403
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,623
-Dad, are you okay?
-I am more than okay!
404
00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:24,460
I am the Messiah,
come to save the world!
405
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,253
Look upon me and shudder!
406
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:27,463
I already do that.
407
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,590
Uh... Messiah?
408
00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:32,551
-Do you mind if I have
a word with your wife?
-As you wish.
409
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:34,511
But look not
upon her with lust,
410
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:36,430
and do not send her
friendly e-mails.
411
00:17:36,513 --> 00:17:38,015
That's how it begins.
412
00:17:38,098 --> 00:17:39,099
(nervous chuckle)
413
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,853
Homer is suffering
from what's called
414
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,229
"Jerusalem syndrome."
415
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,482
Ah, yes, Jerusalem syndrome:
416
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:49,777
the name given to religious
delusions or psychoses
417
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:51,862
that occur when
people visit Jerusalem.
418
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,947
Have you ever noticed that
Dad always gets the disease
419
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:56,075
they write about in the
in-flight magazine?
420
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,201
MARGE:
Oh, my God!
421
00:17:57,284 --> 00:17:58,535
Homer's gone!
422
00:17:59,703 --> 00:18:01,163
(groans)
423
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:02,664
What's he gonna do now?
424
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,710
Hmm, Dad said he was going
to unite all faiths.
425
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:10,547
And only one site is sacred
to Muslims, Christians and Jews:
426
00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:11,715
The Dome of the Rock!
427
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,092
Dome of the Rock?
428
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,219
Messiah away...!
429
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,845
(grunts)
430
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,307
(gasps):
This one says
"Carolina Panthers"!
431
00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,559
Messiah says "Rowrr!"
432
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,146
{\an8}JACOB:
(speaks Hebrew)
Okay, everybody, come on.
433
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,023
This shrine contains the rock
434
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,818
on which Abraham was going
to sacrifice his son.
435
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,195
And Muslims believe
something, too.
436
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:35,197
To find out, hire
a Muslim tour guide.
437
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,698
That's a barrel
of laughs.
438
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,492
-Anyway, shut your face.
-Thanks, thanks.
439
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,327
You can stop
giving the tour now.
440
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,247
You don't want to
do a photo with me?
You can hold my gun.
441
00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:47,251
-I used it in Entebbe.
I killed three Ugandans.
-No, thanks.
442
00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:48,377
Before you go in,
443
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:49,628
you fill out
comment card.
444
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:51,004
(groans):
Okay.
445
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:55,509
Uh, eh, don't
forget the back.
446
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,177
You people are so pushy.
447
00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:59,096
What, Israeli
people are pushy?
448
00:18:59,179 --> 00:19:01,557
How about you experience
a couple of genocides
449
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,308
and see how laid-back
you are?
450
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:06,228
We were purged from Spain!
Throw out of there!
451
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:07,980
They allow everybody in Spain!
452
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:10,607
But for us, Jews,
no flamenco, get out!
453
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,734
I'm pushy? Please.
454
00:19:12,818 --> 00:19:13,986
You stay there,
455
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,613
surrounded by your
great enemy, Canada!
456
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,908
Try Syria for two months,
then we'll see who's pushy!
457
00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:25,539
Attention, Christians,
Muslims, and Jews:
458
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:28,333
I have come to gather you
into a new faith.
459
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,294
From now on,
you shall be called...
460
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,171
Chris-mu-jews.
461
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,339
-(unenthusiastic murmuring)
-MAN: I-I don't know.
462
00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:38,218
Because when you get down to it,
aren't all religions the same?
463
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,262
They tell you
what to eat,
464
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,555
when to pray,
465
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,057
how this imperfect clay
that we call man
466
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,935
can mold itself
to resemble the divine.
467
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,229
But we can never attain
that ultimate grace
468
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:52,024
while there is hatred in
our hearts for each other.
469
00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,275
(quietly):
I did it.
470
00:19:53,358 --> 00:19:54,234
I reached him.
471
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,195
Celebrate your commonality.
472
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,363
Some of us don't eat pork.
473
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,324
Some of us don't eat shellfish.
474
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,993
But all of us love chicken.
475
00:20:03,076 --> 00:20:04,620
-(excited murmuring)
-MAN: He's right!
476
00:20:04,703 --> 00:20:06,496
You can simmer
it in a tagine.
477
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,081
In a soup, you can boil it!
478
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,458
Spread the word!
479
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,793
Peace and chicken.
480
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,213
CROWD:
Peace and chicken!
481
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:16,340
Don't listen to this fat idiot!
482
00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:17,883
I am your Messiah!
483
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:20,844
Avert your eyes
from my wrinkly arms!
484
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:23,722
Uh-oh. Got another case
of Jerusalem syndrome.
485
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:26,225
This looks like a job for...
486
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,476
the Messiah!
487
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,894
(sighs)
488
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:30,854
(overlapping chatter)
489
00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:34,107
I want the window seat!
490
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:35,776
Krav maga!
491
00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:37,444
You can't hurt
what's already dead.
492
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:39,321
-(grunts)
-(groans): I guess you can.
493
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:41,573
Homer, my friend, of all
the false messiahs today,
494
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:43,533
I think you came
closest to the truth.
495
00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:45,410
Well, if I made
any sense today,
496
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:48,580
it's because all the stuff
you've told me all these years
497
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,457
has finally seeped in.
498
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:52,793
Can I buy you
a $12 turkey sandwich?
499
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:54,419
I'd like that.
500
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,338
How about a Greg Norman
Executive Putter
501
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,632
-from the SkyMall?
-You'd probably
get a better deal
502
00:20:58,715 --> 00:20:59,967
at a mall back home.
503
00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,802
They have malls on land?
504
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:06,473
♪♪
505
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,225
JACOB:
Why don't you try
having your people
506
00:21:08,308 --> 00:21:10,018
being thrown out of Spain?
507
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:13,272
Spain! No tapas!
I love eating tapas!
508
00:21:13,355 --> 00:21:15,107
I love the tiny portions!
509
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,358
You don't get too full,
510
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,944
but you have a whole variety
of flavors!
511
00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:21,780
Not for me!
Every day hummus and pita!
512
00:21:21,863 --> 00:21:25,117
Occasionally, once a week,
a little bit of falafel!
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00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:32,207
♪♪
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00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,270
L'chaim!
515
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,775
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