1 00:00:02,252 --> 00:00:04,504 (orchestral version of "Carol of the Bells" playing) 2 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,514 MARGE (grunting) ...heavy! 3 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,268 {\an8}Aah! Wrong holiday, stupid. 4 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,356 {\an8}MECHANICAL SANTA: Ho, ho, ho. 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,900 {\an8}(speeding up) Ho, ho, ho, ho... 6 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,987 {\an8}I could use some help! 7 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:33,575 {\an8}Marge, I'm watching a rerun of an important bowl game. 8 00:00:33,658 --> 00:00:36,327 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: And that last touchdown makes it 67 to 13. 9 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,787 {\an8}Maggie! 10 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,706 {\an8}Lisa, what are you doing? 11 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,541 {\an8}Marking a crime scene. 12 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,626 {\an8}To celebrate an ancient pagan ritual, 13 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,211 {\an8}this tree was cut down 14 00:00:45,295 --> 00:00:48,339 {\an8}and tarted up like a dime-a-dance floozy. 15 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,133 {\an8}-(grunts) -Oh... 16 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,886 {\an8}Next you'll have a problem with my gingerbread house. 17 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,388 {\an8}You mean your gingerbread McMansion. 18 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,724 (whirring) 19 00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:59,267 Hey, show some respect. 20 00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:02,145 Three gingerbread workmen died making that. 21 00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,648 {\an8}I'm sorry, but this leg's gonna have to go. 22 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,611 {\an8}You're gonna be okay. 23 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,905 {\an8}It's almost over. 24 00:01:11,988 --> 00:01:13,907 {\an8}Now to take care of the witnesses. 25 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,786 {\an8}Hey, I need those cookies for Santa. 26 00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:22,248 {\an8}At least someone around here's got the Christmas spirit. 27 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:24,375 {\an8}Yep. Come midnight, I'll be sitting here 28 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:28,171 {\an8}with cold cookies, warm milk, and hot lead. 29 00:01:28,254 --> 00:01:29,881 {\an8}-What? -For the last three years, 30 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:32,842 {\an8}I've asked that rosy-cheeked nog-hog for a dirt bike, 31 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:35,220 {\an8}and all he brought me was a zillion lame-o toys 32 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,847 {\an8}that I immediately broke and threw in this bag. 33 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:40,975 {\an8}(screeches) 34 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,311 {\an8}But you wanted those toys. 35 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:45,522 {\an8}I wanted them till I got them. 36 00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:49,317 {\an8}But this year, I'm gettin' my dirt bike. 37 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:52,904 {\an8}Even Mac Davis himself couldn't save this Christmas. 38 00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:55,365 {\an8}Great, Mom. Now I lost track of my pump count. 39 00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:56,908 {\an8}One pump, two pump... 40 00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,077 (frustrated groan) 41 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,538 (clattering) 42 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:09,546 Bowl full of jelly, pump lead in his belly... 43 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,714 (clock ticking, chimes) 44 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,342 -(train whistle blows) -What? 45 00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,846 {\an8}All aboard the Polar Express! 46 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,472 {\an8}Direct service to the North Pole, 47 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,474 {\an8}with stops at Candy Cane Corners, 48 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:24,519 {\an8}Sugarplum Square, Jack Frost Junction, 49 00:02:24,602 --> 00:02:26,020 {\an8}Fa-La-La-La Lane, 50 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,690 {\an8}Nutcracker Street, and Hanukkah Heights. 51 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,692 {\an8}Some "express." 52 00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:33,903 {\an8}(Bart gasps) We're flying! 53 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,947 {\an8}Yep, she'll fly, all right. 54 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,365 {\an8}You just got to keep her happy. 55 00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,744 (inhaling deeply) 56 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,080 (psychedelic rock melody plays) 57 00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:55,300 ♪ Strange days have found us ♪ 58 00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:00,430 ♪ Strange days ♪ 59 00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:04,684 ♪ Have tracked us down ♪ 60 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,898 {\an8}Excuse me, Mr. Goblin? 61 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:11,941 {\an8}Elf! I'm an elf! (growling) 62 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,944 {\an8}Whatever you say. Um, look, how do I get to Santa? 63 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,114 Oh, no. Only the top elves get to meet Santa. 64 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,782 You start in the wrapping room. 65 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,367 That'll take you right down. 66 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:23,620 (Bart laughing) 67 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:24,829 Wh-What are you doin'? 68 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:26,206 That leads to the daycare center. 69 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,790 You take the freight elevator. 70 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,217 (elevator bell dings) 71 00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:42,055 Isn't this the busy season? 72 00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:44,766 {\an8}-Where is everybody? -Laid off. 73 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:47,894 {\an8}After NAFTA, a lot of these jobs went to the South Pole. 74 00:03:47,977 --> 00:03:49,896 {\an8}Well, who needs wrapping paper, anyway? 75 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:52,023 {\an8}Just stick a bow on the toy and you're ready to go. 76 00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:55,235 {\an8}Bow, bow, bow, bow, bing, bang, boom! 77 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:57,403 {\an8}Ooh. You are clearly too smart 78 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,197 {\an8}to be down here with these dingle-bells. 79 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,658 {\an8}I'm promotin' you to Toy Inspector. 80 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,451 {\an8}Uh, the rest of youse, you're laid off. 81 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:04,744 {\an8}Scram. 82 00:04:04,827 --> 00:04:06,537 {\an8}I can't lose my health insurance. 83 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,998 {\an8}My lungs are full of candy cane dust! 84 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,083 (coughing) 85 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:12,710 Hey, you twos can go work for the Easter Bunny. 86 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,337 Oh that's right. 87 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,422 He ain't real. (chuckles) 88 00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:29,185 Kid, you got a lot of shoddy, money-saving ideas. 89 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,938 Like a major airline, but you were here on time. 90 00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,398 Come with me. 91 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:36,401 (elevator bell dings) 92 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:41,489 (playing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" ) 93 00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,032 So you're the brown-nosed reindeer 94 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,867 that's jingled all the way to the top. 95 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:46,536 Just point me to Santa. 96 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,705 Oh, I know what you're after-- 97 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,581 the toy you never got. 98 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,375 You're out of your elfin' mind. 99 00:04:52,458 --> 00:04:54,919 Oh, really? Well, let me ask you this. 100 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:58,339 How many kids bring a gun to meet Santa? 101 00:04:58,423 --> 00:04:59,882 Okay. You got me. 102 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,093 And I'm gettin' my dirt bike. And you can't stop me. 103 00:05:02,176 --> 00:05:04,053 Security! 104 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:15,773 (sighs) 105 00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,447 No disrespect, fat man, 106 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,074 but you'd better poop out a dirt bike. 107 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,367 Close the door, boy. 108 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,745 I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole! 109 00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:33,666 Listen here, Kringle. 110 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,126 I may have been naughty this year. 111 00:05:35,209 --> 00:05:37,462 But by today's standards, naughty's nothing. 112 00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:38,838 I didn't get anybody pregnant. 113 00:05:38,921 --> 00:05:40,214 I didn't Facebook a kid to death. 114 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,716 Make with my dirt bike! 115 00:05:41,799 --> 00:05:43,801 Kid, this company's bust. 116 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:45,970 For years I've been giving out free toys 117 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,638 and getting cookies in return. 118 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,475 It's not a sustainable business model. 119 00:05:50,558 --> 00:05:53,186 Oh, come on, man. Things aren't that bad. 120 00:05:53,269 --> 00:05:54,937 They're pretty bad. 121 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,690 I'm eating my own reindeer here! 122 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,109 Oh... you win. 123 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,779 (chuckling) That's a good boy. 124 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,615 You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair 125 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:08,034 of work socks under your tree. 126 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:10,661 You don't have to do that. I have socks. 127 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,539 -I'll give you socks! -Thanks, kid. 128 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:15,124 Now you better head home. 129 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,835 I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, 130 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,796 your parents have gotten worried. 131 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,049 Kids never change. 132 00:06:23,132 --> 00:06:25,343 Always dumb as potatoes. 133 00:06:25,426 --> 00:06:26,386 ("Christmas in Hollis" begins) 134 00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,304 ♪ It was December 24th, on Hollis Ave in the dark ♪ 135 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,890 ♪ When I seen a man chillin' with his dog at the park ♪ 136 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,267 ♪ I approached him very slowly, with my heart full of fear ♪ 137 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,978 ♪ Looked at his dog-- oh, my God!-- an ill reindeer! ♪ 138 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,439 ♪ But then I was illin' 'cause the man had a beard ♪ 139 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,067 ♪ And a bag full of goodies, 12:00 had neared ♪ 140 00:06:41,150 --> 00:06:42,693 ♪ So I turned my head a second and the man... ♪ 141 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,570 (train chugging) 142 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,739 -(siren wailing) -CHIEF WIGGUM: Pull over! 143 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,284 Hey, kid, you ever wanted a train for Christmas? 144 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:51,786 This one's yours. 145 00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:53,496 (screaming) 146 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:05,258 Why can't they leave a poor tree in the woods where it belongs? 147 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:11,389 ♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪ 148 00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:16,436 ♪ If only in my dreams ♪ 149 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,104 MAN (on radio): Hey, hey, that song goes out 150 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,897 to all the GIs overseas 151 00:07:19,981 --> 00:07:22,442 and all the folks missing 'em here at home. 152 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,278 Brought to you by Chesterton cigarettes. 153 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:28,698 Chesterton-- they feel like me, singing in your throat. 154 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,241 Can it really be Christmas 155 00:07:30,324 --> 00:07:32,869 when one of our parents is facing the German army? 156 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,912 Simpson, get your helmet on. 157 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,247 I'm trying. 158 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,416 It just keeps popping off. 159 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,169 Ach du lieber! 160 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,503 (yelling) 161 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,464 You can make it through this, Marge. 162 00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,382 Just think of Homer. 163 00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,849 Hey, Simpson. 164 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,894 How come you ain't in combat like a real man? 165 00:07:57,977 --> 00:08:00,146 I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole. 166 00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:01,481 (laughter) 167 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,734 Kids, remember when I promised to feed us 168 00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:06,110 from that victory garden? 169 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:08,070 Well, instead, I grew this tree. 170 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,531 Don't dare bring that thing in here. 171 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,742 What? You don't want a Christmas tree? 172 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:13,910 That's crazy. 173 00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,828 Next you won't want a Christmas ham. 174 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,288 Don't worry about that. 175 00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:20,124 I love meat, and I always will. 176 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,667 Mm-mm! 177 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,128 That is some sweet pig meat. 178 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:26,797 But as for Christmas trees, I used to love them, 179 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:28,591 until last year... 180 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,054 This tree reminds me of your father. 181 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,306 It's round in the middle, thinning on top, 182 00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:38,351 and your hands get sticky when you touch it. 183 00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:40,436 Simpson, you're shipping out tonight. 184 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,313 Right before Christmas? 185 00:08:42,396 --> 00:08:44,774 Hitler doesn't take a holiday. 186 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,692 Well, he does, but he doesn't tell people 187 00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:49,278 till the last minute, so they can't make plans. 188 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:51,864 -Bastard. -MARGE: But I... oh... 189 00:08:57,995 --> 00:09:00,414 So I never want to see another Christmas tree 190 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,042 until Mom comes back, safe and sound. 191 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,086 (sniffs and sobs) 192 00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:06,879 Sweetie, if your mother was in trouble, 193 00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,048 they'd tell us as soon as they could. 194 00:09:09,131 --> 00:09:10,758 -MAN: Telegram! -D'oh! 195 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:15,972 Marge is Mia? 196 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,682 Oh, my God! 197 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,559 She changed her name! 198 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:22,812 No, that says she's missing in action. 199 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:25,231 (sobbing) Oh, no! 200 00:09:25,314 --> 00:09:26,482 See? 201 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,027 Every time we get a tree, Mom disappears. 202 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:32,363 Why couldn't it have been me? 203 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:34,365 It still could be. You just have to go down to 204 00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:36,409 -the recruiting station and-- -Shut up. 205 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,036 (sniffling) 206 00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,873 (sniffling) 207 00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:46,377 Huh? 208 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,091 (gasps) Oh, no! 209 00:09:52,174 --> 00:09:54,302 This is where they took Mom from me. 210 00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,097 (screams) 211 00:09:58,180 --> 00:10:00,558 (ominous tone) I've been waiting for you. 212 00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,353 (cheerful voice) Your mom paid for this tree last year, 213 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,605 but never took it. 214 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:07,189 I've watered it, kept it fresh, 215 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,859 and every time I look at this blue spruce, 216 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:11,736 it reminds me of your good old mom. 217 00:10:11,819 --> 00:10:13,779 Here, let me trim it for you. 218 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,159 And decorate it a little. 219 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,872 It's a sign. Mom's okay. 220 00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,541 Thank you. 221 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,753 Yeah. My only sale all year and it's not even a sale. 222 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,340 Whose turn is it to cry? 223 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,549 Yours. 224 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,302 (wailing, sobbing) 225 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,387 Quit your bellyaching about Marge 226 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,139 and let me read the paper. 227 00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:41,515 {\an8}HOMER: (gasps) Look at that picture! 228 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,726 (both sobbing, wailing) 229 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,189 Oh, for cryin' out loud. 230 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,318 -Huh? -(grunts) 231 00:10:52,401 --> 00:10:54,236 I thought you said you didn't want a tree. 232 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,198 Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope. 233 00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:59,450 Someday this war will be over. 234 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,577 Someday our mom will be back. 235 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:05,581 Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free. 236 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,916 Then it will cost money. 237 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,001 But until then, this tree will stand 238 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,753 for everything Mom believes in-- 239 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:14,340 home, family, and constantly sweeping up needles. 240 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:18,469 ♪ O tannenbaum, o tannenbaum ♪ 241 00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:22,515 ALL: ♪ Wie treu sind deine blätter ♪ 242 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:24,517 ♪ Du grünst nicht nur ♪ 243 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:26,310 ♪ Zur sommerzeit ♪ 244 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:29,897 {\an8}♪ Nein auch im winter, wenn es schneit ♪ 245 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,298 {\an8}I pooped my tights. 246 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,989 -(machine gun firing) -(laughter) 247 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:22,992 (gasps) 248 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:26,912 Nein, nein, why did I go to the 9:00 show?! 249 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,790 Das ist Hitler. 250 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,167 (machine gun fires) 251 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:37,131 Auf Wiedersehen. 252 00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:41,260 This is the last time I bring these two to bed 253 00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,095 at the same time. 254 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,393 -(Homer snoring) -MARGE: I've always believed 255 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,812 in you even when others didn't. 256 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:54,482 Can you help save our family Christmas? 257 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,525 Marge Simpson. 258 00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,616 (Marge gasps) 259 00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,913 (postman yelling) 260 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,678 Marge Simpson, I'm on my way. 261 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:32,228 Wake up, Marge. 262 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,396 Magical memories don't make themselves. 263 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,357 Martha Stewart! 264 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,108 How did you get in here? 265 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:39,819 A picket fence stood on its end 266 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,654 makes a sturdy and attractive ladder. 267 00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,155 Now let's make that bed. 268 00:13:52,414 --> 00:13:55,042 A smattering of pinecones. 269 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,377 And with a little bit of work, 270 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,921 this wedding dress can make a great dust ruffle. 271 00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:02,383 {\an8}B-But I was gonna-- oh... Ooh! 272 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:08,264 So this stuff will just shampoo out, huh? 273 00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,015 Why would you want to shampoo it out? 274 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:12,351 (Bart and Milhouse laughing) 275 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,478 Me and Milhouse had a snowball fight, 276 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:16,939 then an ice-ball fight, then a fight-fight. 277 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,608 You boys want to play soldier? 278 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,778 I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus's birthday. 279 00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,573 Huh? 280 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,912 I'm not sure I like where this is going. 281 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,415 Well, I'm not sure anyone asked your opinion. 282 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:43,173 (both grunting with effort) 283 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,680 Squeeze your shoulder blades together. 284 00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,516 Now march, and after an hour you can relax 285 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,143 with some hand-shaved hot cocoa 286 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:57,146 and a trial subscription to Martha Stewart Living. 287 00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,772 BOTH: (muffled) Yay! 288 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:01,108 (hums "March of the Toy Soldiers" from The Nutcracker) 289 00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:02,651 -And out. -Ms. Stewart, 290 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,405 I made a star for the tree out of discarded water bottles. 291 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,490 Lovely, dear, except I would have soaked 292 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,909 the labels off with warm water. 293 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,619 Then I would have melted the plastic down 294 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,330 in the double boiler and poured it into a candy mold. 295 00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:17,666 And finally, I wouldn't have presented it quite so proudly. 296 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,835 I'll go outside and make snow angels. 297 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,087 Lie face down and your beautiful smile 298 00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,714 will be molded into the snow. 299 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:26,008 Okay. 300 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,266 (Homer snoring) 301 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:38,062 Now this is a challenge. 302 00:15:38,145 --> 00:15:40,564 (orchestral instrumental of "Carol of the Bells" playing) 303 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,025 (whistle blows) 304 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,113 There, a slumbering hubby 305 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,491 is now a traditional Christmas tableau. 306 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:52,743 Copyright Martha Stewart. 307 00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:55,079 (Homer muttering groggily) 308 00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,372 He's starting to wake up. 309 00:15:56,455 --> 00:15:58,082 A little of my Hubby's Holiday Helper 310 00:15:58,165 --> 00:16:00,459 will calm him right down. 311 00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,544 (concerned sigh) 312 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,463 {\an8}Don't worry, Marge, it's a good thing. 313 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,674 {\an8}-(anxious wailing) -There, there. 314 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,134 {\an8}-Shh... -(sighs) 315 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:13,055 Martha, the house looks beautiful. 316 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:15,975 It's like Christmas with a childless gay couple. 317 00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,476 But it's just not the same 318 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,853 without my family being themselves. 319 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,106 Well, thanks for wasting my time. 320 00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:23,774 I'll just wave my magic wand 321 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,734 and turn everything back the way it was. 322 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,487 -You have a magic wand? -Yes, I made it myself. 323 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,948 Take an old car antenna, marinate it overnight 324 00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,992 in the tears of a heartbroken leprechaun, 325 00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,577 bake at 350 till a rainbow shoots out of the oven, 326 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:37,579 and there you go. 327 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,543 I guess I'll never have a perfect Christmas. 328 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,420 Merry Christmas, Mom! 329 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:46,171 We brought you breakfast in bed. 330 00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,341 Now we just have to make it. 331 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:52,344 ♪ It's beginning to look a lot like ♪ 332 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:53,846 ♪ Breakfast ♪ 333 00:16:53,929 --> 00:16:57,307 ♪ Everywhere you go ♪ 334 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,934 ♪ You'll be oh so pleased ♪ 335 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,853 ♪ When the OJ is freshly squeezed ♪ 336 00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:04,189 ♪ And the toast is made from homemade-- d'oh! ♪ 337 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,984 ♪ We're gonna go out for breakfast ♪ 338 00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,820 ♪ We'll go out to eat ♪ 339 00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:13,782 ♪ It'll be any place you choose, as long as it's run by Jews ♪ 340 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:20,622 ♪ 'Cause they don't think this holiday's so great ♪ 341 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:27,004 ("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing) 342 00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:32,718 ♪ Aloha'oe, aloha'oe ♪ 343 00:17:32,801 --> 00:17:34,219 (audience cheers, applauds) 344 00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,346 Hurry up, kids. We got to get to the airport. 345 00:17:36,430 --> 00:17:38,057 Did you get a good house sitter? 346 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,559 Moe Szyslak, house sitter extraordinaire. 347 00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,727 (audience booing) 348 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,771 Sticks and stones may break my bones... 349 00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:45,189 Ow! Hey, stop it! 350 00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,191 {\an8}Ooh, cookies! 351 00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:48,776 {\an8}(chewing noisily) 352 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:53,238 Great at the chewing, not so hot at the swallowing. 353 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,866 {\an8}Now, remember, pack only necessities. 354 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,701 {\an8}Mm-hmm. 355 00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:01,663 (Homer laughs like Kermit the Frog) 356 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,040 Hey, baby, it's Moe. 357 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,875 Calling youse from my new bachelor pad 358 00:18:04,958 --> 00:18:07,920 -at 742 Evergreen Terrace. -(audience cheers) 359 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,339 Yeah, okay, sugar plum, I'll see you soon. 360 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:13,175 Hey, get this off. Hey, get this off! 361 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,844 -(Velcro crackles) -(grunts, chuckles) 362 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,014 Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa... 363 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,390 BURNS: Merry Humbug, everyone. 364 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,017 Ay-yi-yi-yi! 365 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,435 What's wrong, Homie? 366 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,562 I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns 367 00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:27,147 I had a neck injury. 368 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,566 (audience oohs) 369 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,568 Mr. Burns, why'd you come to see me? 370 00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:35,239 Well, last night, I had a visit from three spirits. 371 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:38,200 I wish this show had a visit from three new writers. 372 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,077 (both laugh) 373 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,162 But wait, what's this? 374 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,414 Carpetbags and portmanteaus? 375 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,166 Going somewhere, Simpson? 376 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,210 Uh, uh... 377 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:52,339 Hey, guys, you'll need this on your trip to Hawai-- aah! 378 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,550 Hmm, your goblin fainted. 379 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,009 Not a goblin. 380 00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,886 Simpson, where's your Christmas tree? 381 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,471 -(doorbell rings) -Coming! 382 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,057 FLANDERS: Homer, give me back my tree! 383 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:05,185 (both grunting) 384 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,980 -(fabric ripping) -(Flanders screams) 385 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,898 (audience laughs) 386 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,028 Well, I won't interrupt your holiday any longer. 387 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,447 Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-- 388 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,868 (gasps) Pop star/fashionista Katy Perry?! 389 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:22,953 (audience cheers, applauds) 390 00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,666 What are you people doing in my boyfriend Moe's bachelor pad? 391 00:19:27,749 --> 00:19:29,209 (gasps) 392 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,795 That's right, she's into puppets. 393 00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:33,797 Just what's going on here? 394 00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:35,757 Fine, I'll come clean. 395 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:39,052 (gasps) It's a Christmas miraculum. 396 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,846 No, it's not. 397 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:43,891 I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii. 398 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,601 You lied to me. 399 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,728 Release the hounds. 400 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,897 (hounds barking) 401 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,900 (barking stops) 402 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,277 Oh, they'll be here any minute. 403 00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:01,867 {\an8}-We, uh, blew the budget on Katy Perry. -(groans) 404 00:20:01,950 --> 00:20:04,119 Someone totally needs a hug. 405 00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:09,750 I kissed a girl, and I liked it. 406 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,546 {\an8}All is forgiven, Simpsons. 407 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:17,341 {\an8}Go and enjoy "Ha-vah-ee." 408 00:20:17,424 --> 00:20:19,051 {\an8}(cheering) 409 00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:21,720 {\an8}Just as soon as we sing one Christmas carol. 410 00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:25,349 {\an8}Oh, man, not the lame-o "12 Days of Christmas." 411 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:26,600 {\an8}Of course not. 412 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:28,101 {\an8}I want to sing the original, 413 00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,062 {\an8}unabridged "39 Days Of Christmas." 414 00:20:30,145 --> 00:20:31,897 {\an8}And-a one and-a two... 415 00:20:31,980 --> 00:20:33,649 {\an8}("12 Days of Christmas" intro begins) 416 00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,778 {\an8}♪ 39 fops a-fopping ♪ 417 00:20:37,861 --> 00:20:39,238 ♪ 38 fishwives hawking ♪ 418 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,697 ♪ 37 coopers cooping ♪ 419 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,199 ♪ 36 bootblacks buffing ♪ 420 00:20:42,282 --> 00:20:43,700 ♪ 35 buskers busking ♪ 421 00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:45,202 ♪ 34 something something ♪ 422 00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:46,828 ♪ 33 alchemists transmuting ♪ 423 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,205 ♪ 32 Dutchmen plotting ♪ 424 00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:49,706 ♪ 31 doctors leeching ♪ 425 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:53,585 ♪ 30-year average lifespan ♪ 426 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:55,045 ANNOUNCER: Tonight's Simpsons episode 427 00:20:55,128 --> 00:20:57,089 was brought to you by the symbol umlaut 428 00:20:57,172 --> 00:20:58,590 and the number "e". 429 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,676 Not the letter "E", but the number 430 00:21:00,759 --> 00:21:03,762 whose exponential function is the derivative of itself. 431 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:06,974 {\an8}Well, it's been a long run, but I think this'll kill it. 432 00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,684 {\an8}What, The Simpsons? 433 00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,102 {\an8}No, Christmas. 434 00:21:10,185 --> 00:21:11,603 {\an8}(both laugh) 435 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,523 {\an8}(all singing) 436 00:21:14,606 --> 00:21:16,024 {\an8}BART: We did that one already. 437 00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,526 {\an8}HOMER: Shh. 438 00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,319 {\an8}(all singing continues) 439 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,090 {\an8}(all gasping for breath) 440 00:21:43,051 --> 00:21:45,470 {\an8}(grunting) 441 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,764 {\an8}I-I'll just kiss your belly button. 442 00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,099 {\an8}(kisses) 443 00:21:49,182 --> 00:21:51,643 {\an8}Oh, uh, that's not my belly button. 444 00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,395 {\an8}But I didn't say stop. 445 00:21:56,648 --> 00:22:00,068 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay