1 00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:06,172 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:10,218 (excited chattering) 3 00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:15,181 {\an8}Our journey begins 65 million years ago 4 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,184 {\an8}when amazing creatures took their first steps. 5 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,311 {\an8}It's so cute that all these children 6 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,856 {\an8}are excited to see their favorite dinosaurs. 7 00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,691 {\an8}(roaring) 8 00:00:24,774 --> 00:00:27,277 {\an8}(screaming) 9 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:28,611 {\an8}(screeching) 10 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,071 {\an8}These aren't dinosaurs! 11 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,532 {\an8}Dinosaurs sing! (grunts) 12 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:35,368 {\an8}I want to go back in Mommy! 13 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,870 {\an8}(roaring) 14 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,288 {\an8}(panicked screaming) 15 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:41,416 {\an8}Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I paid $800 for five minutes! 16 00:00:41,499 --> 00:00:44,794 {\an8}NARRATOR: The dinosaurs ruled the Earth for millions of years, 17 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,464 {\an8}until a massive asteroid collided with the Earth, 18 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:49,382 {\an8}bringing their reign to an end. 19 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:52,135 {\an8}(crackling) 20 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:55,055 {\an8}(groaning) 21 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,681 {\an8}HOMER: Ex-tinct! 22 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,726 {\an8}NARRATOR: So remember, take good care of the Earth, 23 00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:02,604 {\an8}or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. 24 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,356 {\an8}Ooh, kids, did you hear that lesson? 25 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,108 {\an8}How is that the lesson? 26 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:08,777 {\an8}The point of the dinosaurs is, 27 00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,946 {\an8}no matter what we do, an asteroid's gonna wipe us out, 28 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,699 {\an8}so we should party hard and wreck the place! 29 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:18,453 {\an8}Yeah! Why should the asteroid have all the fun! 30 00:01:18,536 --> 00:01:19,954 {\an8}(grunts) 31 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,584 {\an8}What? They've got a point. 32 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:25,668 {\an8}(grunting) 33 00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,007 {\an8}BOTH: Gift shop! 34 00:01:32,383 --> 00:01:35,053 {\an8}All right, you can each have one toy. 35 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,015 {\an8}Lisa has a big toy. No fair. 36 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,601 {\an8}-That means I get two small toys. -No fair. 37 00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:44,646 {\an8}-This isn't big, it's medium! -No fair! 38 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:46,064 {\an8}Then I get four small toys, 39 00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:48,066 {\an8}and Lisa gets one medium and one small. 40 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,193 {\an8}What?! He gets four and I only get two? 41 00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,153 {\an8}-No fair! -All right, that's it! 42 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,072 {\an8}Forget it! No toys for anyone! 43 00:01:56,991 --> 00:02:00,245 {\an8}-Okay, Maggie gets a toy. -BOTH: No fair! 44 00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,622 {\an8}Choke on fossil poop! 45 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,666 {\an8}(screams) 46 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:08,962 {\an8}Hey, I know you. 47 00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:10,380 {\an8}(gasps) 48 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,132 {\an8}Wait! Wait! Come back! 49 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,050 {\an8}Dad, follow that dinosaur! 50 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,970 {\an8}I've waited my whole life to hear that. 51 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,100 {\an8}(Homer panting) 52 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,895 {\an8}Triceratops head coming through! 53 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,230 {\an8}Stegosaurus back plates, 54 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:30,567 {\an8}used for either defense or control of body temperature, coming through! 55 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,111 {\an8}(panting) 56 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:35,029 {\an8}So tired. Go on without me. 57 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,573 {\an8}(groans) 58 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:38,199 {\an8}(sighs) 59 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,076 {\an8}(Homer snoring) 60 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:45,999 {\an8}You're T.R. Francis! 61 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,251 {\an8}You wrote the Angelica Button books. 62 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,420 {\an8}They're my favorite fantasy novels. 63 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,589 {\an8}Um, yes, it's me, 64 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:55,675 {\an8}the creator of your beloved magical world, 65 00:02:55,758 --> 00:02:59,345 {\an8}full of whimsy and, uh... chapters. 66 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,181 {\an8}Now, off you go. Bye-bye, now. 67 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:03,183 {\an8}But why are you working at a dinosaur show? 68 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,851 {\an8}And why did you run away from me? 69 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,853 {\an8}And how did Angelica get a new wand 70 00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,480 {\an8}after Baron Mortdeath burned the Wandwood Forest? And... 71 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,483 {\an8}Look, you seem like a smart kid, so here's the truth. 72 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:14,652 {\an8}T.R. Francis isn't real. 73 00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,946 {\an8}(laughs) Of course you're real. 74 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,824 {\an8}Everybody knows you got the idea for this series 75 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,868 after an explosion at a crumpet factory 76 00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:23,786 knocked you off a double-decker bus. 77 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,914 How could that be made up? 78 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,125 I'm just an actress they use for the jacket photo. 79 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:33,004 That inspirational life story is pure fiction. 80 00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:34,881 Oh, I hate to break it to you, 81 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,674 but all the books you kids love 82 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,801 are conceived in executive boardrooms. 83 00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,512 The plots are based on market research, 84 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,306 and the pages are churned out 85 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:46,309 by a room full of pill-popping lit majors 86 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,353 desperate for work. 87 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,731 Publishers rake in the cash, 88 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:54,359 and unsuspecting kids get ten books a year 89 00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:56,527 by their favorite "author." 90 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,738 (gasps) Everything I believed 91 00:03:58,821 --> 00:04:01,699 about "young adult" literature is a lie! 92 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,451 (sobbing) 93 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,121 HOMER: It's not against the law to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head. 94 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:09,123 Sir, you're inside an Allosaurus. 95 00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:11,751 HOMER: I demand to speak to my paleontologist! 96 00:04:17,298 --> 00:04:19,133 Can I have my allowance early? 97 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:21,010 I need to buy some carbon-offset credits 98 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,930 so I can burn all my Angelica Button books. 99 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,391 Oh, honey, I'm sorry your book lady 100 00:04:26,474 --> 00:04:28,309 turned out to be a dinosaur. 101 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,353 But you liked the stories when you read them. 102 00:04:30,436 --> 00:04:31,479 So what does it matter? 103 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,481 Doesn't it bother you that Betty Crocker 104 00:04:33,564 --> 00:04:35,900 is an invention of '20s-era ad men? 105 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,485 I know you're hurting, 106 00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:40,321 but that's no reason to lash out at me. 107 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,490 Can you believe publishers would lie to their readers 108 00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:44,659 just to make an easy million bucks? 109 00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:46,286 A million bucks?! 110 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,413 Every book on the "young adult" charts 111 00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:50,123 is written by five idiots 112 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,000 who just want to take advantage of kids. 113 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,876 (gasps) I know five idiots! 114 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:58,172 And they just cash their checks and get away with it every time. 115 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,507 It's the perfect crime. 116 00:04:59,590 --> 00:05:01,676 As long as you don't mind betraying the trust 117 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,469 of vulnerable young minds. 118 00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:06,180 The perfect crime, eh? 119 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,516 ♪♪ 120 00:05:10,351 --> 00:05:12,812 (video game weapon blasting) 121 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,442 Whatever the job is, I'm not interested. 122 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:20,028 A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours. 123 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:21,821 I like the beat, play me the tune. 124 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:24,240 -We're taking down kids who read. -Chapter-book crowd? 125 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,117 That's a juicy peach. But what's the cream? 126 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,036 I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write. 127 00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,829 -Tween-lit gang-write? -Tween-lit gang-write. 128 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:31,539 But this Babar needs a Zephyr. 129 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:32,999 -A Zephyr? -You're the Zephyr. 130 00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:34,667 This better not turn out like Kansas City. 131 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,919 It won't be like Kansas City. 132 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:42,633 ♪♪ 133 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,263 Come on, Skinner, you're the best kid-man in the business. 134 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,265 You've read their notes, searched their lockers-- 135 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,976 -you know how tweens think. -Oh, no, thanks, gentlemen. 136 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:55,313 I've got a nice, quiet life here and I mean to keep it that way. 137 00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:57,815 Your friends are looking at my bloomers! 138 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,984 -Wash 'em again! -(groans) 139 00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:02,320 With your share of the money, 140 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:04,655 you could get your own studio apartment. 141 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:08,284 The refrigerator could have my magnets on it. 142 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,494 I'm in. 143 00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:13,831 Come on, beautiful, I can't do the job without you. 144 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,376 So, what do you say... D'oh! Ow. 145 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,252 Our crew needs you, Bouvier. 146 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,963 You've read enough fantasy novels to choke a hippogriff. 147 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,174 Mm. It's true. 148 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:25,635 I'm fluent in every imaginary language, 149 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:27,637 from Dothraki to Parseltongue. 150 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,807 {\an8}(speaking Parseltongue) 151 00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,519 I wouldn't join one of your harebrained schemes 152 00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,480 for all the Japanese girlfriend pillows in Kyoto! 153 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,565 We're not here for you, we're here for Lenny. 154 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:42,276 Sorry, guys. I just adopted a capuchin monkey, 155 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,862 and I can't leave it alone during the bonding phase. 156 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,532 Wait, wait, wait, I want in! 157 00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,283 What does your crew need, a safecracker? 158 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,743 A-A wheel man? 159 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,912 The caper is writing a kids' fantasy novel. 160 00:06:52,995 --> 00:06:56,124 Well, I, uh, I don't like to brag about it, but I did publish 161 00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,960 five modestly successful children's books. 162 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:00,294 Hmm? 163 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:03,423 All we need now is a computer guy. 164 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,925 -Do you have a computer? -(coughs) Uh, yes. 165 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,427 -You're in. -In what? 166 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,887 I keep going over the job from every angle, 167 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,974 but I can't shake the feeling that we're missing something. 168 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,809 Relax. 169 00:07:14,892 --> 00:07:18,771 With the team we put together, our book'll fly off the shelves, 170 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:23,151 and we'll be sipping Mai Tais on a beach in Shelbyville. 171 00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:25,611 You're group-writing a book? 172 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,114 But the only reason anyone would ever do that is... 173 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,116 (gasps) profit! 174 00:07:30,199 --> 00:07:32,493 Like no one ever writes for money, Lisa. 175 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:35,455 I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing too many meals. 176 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:36,956 I'll show you! 177 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:38,958 I'll write a book myself! 178 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,711 A personal story my readers will connect with. 179 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:44,755 Wait, you're gonna be all the guys? How would that work? 180 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,466 (frustrated groan) 181 00:07:49,051 --> 00:07:51,262 This is how real writers do it. 182 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:54,265 I'll just bang out 2,000 words, and then I'll stop-- 183 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,766 even if I'm on fire. 184 00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,643 I got to pace myself. (chuckles) 185 00:07:57,727 --> 00:07:58,936 Chapter one. 186 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:01,981 Wait. I can't start without music to inspire me. 187 00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:04,317 Why is Bach next to Muddy Waters? 188 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,528 That's my problem-- I got to get these CDs organized. 189 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,906 (classical music playing) 190 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,574 There. Finished. 191 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:14,535 Now, if I win just two more games of online Boggle, 192 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,120 I'll be ready to start writing. 193 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,998 Spot, stop, sop, top-tops, 194 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:21,334 pot-pots, opt-opts... 195 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:22,627 Post! 196 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:25,713 ♪♪ 197 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:27,924 Okay, we've cased a lot of tween books. 198 00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,300 What's their M.O.? 199 00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,969 The heroes are all orphans. 200 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:34,096 And they're set in a place kids relate to-- 201 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,973 say... a school-- 202 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,808 but it's actually magic. 203 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:42,146 And the protagonist always discovers that he is supernatural. 204 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:44,232 Okay, our book will be about 205 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:48,277 an orphan who goes to a magical school 206 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,948 where he discovers he's... a vampire! 207 00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:53,616 Vampires... 208 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,159 -like these? -HOMER: Huh? 209 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:56,702 -Or those? -Huh? 210 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,120 -Or these guys? -Huh?! 211 00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,164 (frustrated groans) 212 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:01,749 So many vampires! 213 00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:03,834 With the fangs and the capes and the medals-- 214 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,586 nobody knows how they earned them. 215 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:06,921 Hey, this job's falling apart. 216 00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:08,297 Everyone head for a different airport, 217 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,383 and we meet in Rio in a year with new faces. 218 00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,510 (two gunshots) 219 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,512 No one's going anywhere. 220 00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:17,640 Okay, the vampire genre is sucked out. 221 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:20,851 All we got to do is find a new monster to be our hero. 222 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:24,146 -KIDS: (scream) A troll! -Hey, I ain't a troll. 223 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,566 Look, I bleed red, just like you. 224 00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:29,735 The first part is always green, but it turns red. 225 00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,237 A troll! That's it! 226 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,281 Our book could be about an orphan troll! 227 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,241 Trolls live under bridges-- 228 00:09:35,324 --> 00:09:37,577 the school should be under a bridge. 229 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,828 The Brooklyn Bridge! 230 00:09:38,911 --> 00:09:41,581 And the cool kids are elves. The cheerleaders are pixies. 231 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,666 The stoners are... 232 00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,959 gargoyles! 233 00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:46,961 And they play a complicated sport 234 00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,380 which makes no sense called Fuzzlepitch! 235 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:51,924 -Oh, yeah, yeah, that's good! -(chuckles) We've cracked it. 236 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,218 We're gonna be rich! 237 00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:57,305 Pardon me, but are you scheming to coauthor 238 00:09:57,388 --> 00:09:59,974 a successful series of children's fantasy novels? 239 00:10:00,057 --> 00:10:02,893 Okay, Stonehenge, let's see how good you are at eavesdropping 240 00:10:02,977 --> 00:10:04,270 without a throat! 241 00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:06,480 Don't kill him! That's Neil Gaiman. 242 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,483 I don't care if he's the guy who wrote Sandman Volume One: 243 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:10,818 Preludes and Nocturnes-- 244 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:12,987 no one spies on us! 245 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,698 Perhaps someone of my experience 246 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,951 would be a valuable addition to your... crew. 247 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:23,205 The king of fantasy books on our fantasy book-writing team? 248 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,832 Okay, Gaiman, you're in. 249 00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,460 Your job is to get lunch. And lose the British accent. 250 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:29,962 (with American accent) Cheeseburgers, French fries. 251 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,922 I'm all over that, pal. 252 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,508 Sitting in a coffee shop. 253 00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:38,012 I couldn't feel more like a real writer. (sighs) 254 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:41,807 Oh, I better set up my Wi-Fi, in case I need to do some research. 255 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,310 But if I'm gonna use their free Internet, 256 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:46,395 I really should buy something. 257 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,314 God, I love being a writer! 258 00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,901 ♪♪ 259 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:26,560 "And so, Lucinda placed the fifth shard 260 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:29,730 in the stained-glass window, which now clearly read, 261 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,024 'Your parents are alive.' 262 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,319 Gregor turned to his twin sister, and they both understood, 263 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:38,030 their journey was just beginning." 264 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,573 The end. 265 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:40,991 (applause) 266 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,868 -(cries) -It's good. 267 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:45,246 Weekly Reader Star Selection good. 268 00:11:45,329 --> 00:11:48,833 I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is. 269 00:11:48,916 --> 00:11:51,711 Who wants to see my cover mock-up?! 270 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,295 (whirring) 271 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:58,175 "The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy." 272 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,177 I'm so proud of us. 273 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,346 Oh, you didn't write any of it. 274 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,932 That tuna didn't salad itself. 275 00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,559 (muttering) 276 00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,936 (gasps) I've got it! 277 00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:12,606 A mermaid falls in love with a boy on land. 278 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,984 I'm a genius! 279 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:16,152 (yells) 280 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,696 Writing is the hardest thing ever! 281 00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:20,781 -(whirring) -Huh? 282 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,159 Hope you don't mind us printing our book in your room, Lis. 283 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:26,579 Yeah, only your professional-strength output tray 284 00:12:26,662 --> 00:12:28,497 can handle the weight of our manuscript. 285 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,541 Correction. Finished manuscript. 286 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,418 -Whoo-hoo! -(Lisa groans) 287 00:12:32,501 --> 00:12:34,962 ♪♪ 288 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:41,719 {\an8}♪♪ 289 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:54,398 Trolls in a magical prep school under the Brooklyn Bridge? 290 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,734 -Interesting. -GROUP: Whoo! 291 00:12:58,068 --> 00:12:59,320 This is a really good book. 292 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:01,489 We know. We wrote it. 293 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,991 I laminated the lunch menus and put them in a binder. 294 00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:06,410 But we have a problem here. Where's your fake author? 295 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,621 -Fake author? -Fake author! 296 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:11,165 If you don't have a made-up author with an inspirational tale, 297 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,500 you don't have a book. 298 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:15,377 Where's your Franklin W. Dixon? Where's your T.R. Francis? 299 00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,755 Where's your Stephen King? 300 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:22,301 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 301 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:24,178 We forgot to create a fake author! 302 00:13:24,261 --> 00:13:27,097 That was Gaiman's job. Let's acid melt him in a bathtub! 303 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,432 Okay, stay frosty. 304 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:31,936 All we need to do is find some sap to pretend to be the writer of our book. 305 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:35,022 So hit the floor and find some pathetic wanna-be author. 306 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:39,401 {\an8}♪♪ 307 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,281 Coming to the book fair sure was a great idea. 308 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:47,159 'Cause you can't write if you don't know what the competition's up to. 309 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,203 (wry laugh) 310 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,999 A dog wrote a best-seller?! 311 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,292 (yells) 312 00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,294 All I've done is procrastinate! 313 00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:59,421 Ah, who am I kidding? 314 00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,258 There will never be a book with my name on it. 315 00:14:02,341 --> 00:14:05,719 Or your name could be on a book in ten minutes. 316 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,471 Do I have to do any writing? 317 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,139 -No. -I'm in. 318 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,142 ♪♪ 319 00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,646 Ah, a preteen prodigy. 320 00:14:15,729 --> 00:14:18,148 I like the hook. What's the phony backstory? 321 00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:21,569 I was raised in a traveling circus. 322 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,738 My mother was a lady ringmaster, and my father was a lion barber. 323 00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,866 I wrote my first story with clown lipstick 324 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,367 on a flattened popcorn box. 325 00:14:28,450 --> 00:14:31,662 It was featured in The New Yorker's "Best Forty Under Four" issue. 326 00:14:31,745 --> 00:14:32,997 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 327 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,916 Is R.L. Stine here, 'cause you just gave me Goosebumps? 328 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,918 (laughter) Oh, good one, boss. 329 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,378 Congratulations. 330 00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:42,256 You just sold your book for a million dollars. 331 00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:46,093 {\an8}-♪♪ -(cash register rings) 332 00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:52,349 Gentlemen, to The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy. 333 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,517 (whooping) 334 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,312 So, does this square us for Kansas City? 335 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,480 Square as Golden Books, Pop. 336 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:00,691 What happened to me? 337 00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:04,528 In one vulnerable moment, I became the thing I hated most-- 338 00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,488 a literary fraud. 339 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:09,783 But Lis, when this book comes out, you'll be beloved. 340 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,285 Not just by Milhouses. 341 00:15:11,368 --> 00:15:13,245 You'll get attention from Jacksons, 342 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,623 Xanders, even Aidens. 343 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,750 Aw, I've always wanted an Aiden. 344 00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,126 (door creaks open) 345 00:15:19,209 --> 00:15:21,128 Here it is, an advance copy. 346 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:27,968 PATTY: "The Vampire Twins of Transylvania Prep"?! 347 00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,179 Where's the trolls? 348 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,890 The trolls are now vampires, 349 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,975 the Brooklyn Bridge is now a castle, 350 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,061 and Fuzzlepitch is now Bloodball. 351 00:15:37,144 --> 00:15:39,563 Oh, weak! Weak and lame! 352 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:42,066 How could the publishers change our book? 353 00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:43,984 If they had been in charge of the Sistine Chapel, 354 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:45,819 the whole thing would be vampires, 355 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:49,239 instead of the pope's private naked dude mural. 356 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:51,241 Look, we market-tested the book, 357 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,410 and it really got dinged on the whole trolls thing. 358 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,828 I mean dinged. 359 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:56,830 So we made some changes. Don't feel bad. 360 00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,290 Before we got our hands on Twilight, 361 00:15:58,374 --> 00:16:00,376 it was about a girl who fell in love with a golem. 362 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,628 But teenagers weren't going to spend their allowances 363 00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,088 to join Team Schmul. 364 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,131 But the trolls were the best part! 365 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,759 Do the characters still say trolly instead of cool? 366 00:16:08,842 --> 00:16:11,178 -No. -Oh, that is so untrolly! 367 00:16:11,261 --> 00:16:13,889 Hey, if you don't want your words changed, write a screenplay. 368 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,141 We own your book, so why don't you go and cry 369 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,102 into your million-dollar check? 370 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:20,813 -(dial tone) -How could they do this to our book? 371 00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,774 It was the singular vision of seven people. 372 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:26,193 -No way! -What you're feeling is called 373 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:27,695 pride of authorship. 374 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,822 You thought you only cared about money, 375 00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:32,908 but you actually care more about what you've created together. 376 00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:35,869 British Fonzie is right. 377 00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:39,873 Our story is actually more important than money. 378 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:43,252 I was gonna buy the apartment next door and fill it with dolls, 379 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,212 but now that just sounds stupid. 380 00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:47,631 They can't do this to us. We've got to fight back! 381 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,550 -Yeah, let's get 'em! -He's right. 382 00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:50,968 We got to fight... 383 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,971 Rule number one of book heists-- never fall in love with the book. 384 00:16:54,054 --> 00:16:56,223 We queer the deal, we lose the money. 385 00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:59,893 Bart, remember the 1,000-year war between the trolls and the ogres? 386 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,271 -Yeah? -Now it's a dance contest 387 00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,064 at the vampire prom. 388 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,774 (gasps) 389 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:09,153 Let's steal back our book. 390 00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,158 (brakes screech) 391 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,368 ♪♪ 392 00:17:21,081 --> 00:17:22,875 Somewhere in that building is a computer 393 00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:24,918 with their sucky version of our masterpiece. 394 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:26,378 The book prints at midnight, 395 00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:28,338 so if we swap in the original version, 396 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:31,008 they'll print the wrong book-- our book. 397 00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,469 And before the publishers can do anything about it, 398 00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,138 The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy 399 00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:38,390 will be in every bookstore in America! 400 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,434 This is the Fuzzlepitch Finals, 401 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:42,686 and tonight, we drink from the Wazzle Cup! 402 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,563 Hello. I'm the pizza delivery man. 403 00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,107 -We didn't order a pizza. -No, of course you didn't. 404 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,902 The establishment I work for delivers pizzas to everyone, 405 00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,820 and then gives the customer the option 406 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,822 of accepting or refusing delivery. 407 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,699 That's a terrible business strategy. 408 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:58,494 -No, no, it's quite sound. -Okay, fine. 409 00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:00,579 -Where's the pizza? -Pizza? 410 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,624 ♪♪ 411 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,481 The central computer's through here. 412 00:18:27,564 --> 00:18:30,234 All we have to do is upload our file and... 413 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,532 -Good evening, gentlemen. -Kansas City. 414 00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,367 (sighs) Kansas City. 415 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:41,703 So, you thought you would un-ruin your book. 416 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,414 If it's any consolation, you never had a chance. 417 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:45,624 Whoo-hoo! All right! 418 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,877 Someone in your gang tipped me off to your little caper. 419 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,712 A traitor? 420 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,214 (all grunt suspiciously) 421 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:54,383 I bet it's the Earl of Marmalade over here. 422 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,801 (whimpers) 423 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:57,427 No, guys. It was me. 424 00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:59,429 -(all gasp) -It can't be! 425 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,974 -It's always a dame. -But why? 426 00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,185 Because a little girl wants her dream to come true. 427 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:08,772 LISA: My name is finally on a book! 428 00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:11,441 And they're letting me write the sequel! 429 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:14,778 A hard deadline is just the kick in the pants I need to focus 430 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:16,947 and get some serious writing done. 431 00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:20,784 Now to enter the password and to authorize final publication. 432 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,412 My favorite theme of a wall calendar. 433 00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,957 Lisa, would you care to do the honors? 434 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,711 I'm sorry. 435 00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:37,217 (whirring) 436 00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:38,677 Oh, by the way, 437 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:41,805 the audio book is only available... abridged. 438 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:45,142 Abridged! (cackling) 439 00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:49,438 Well, we may have lost, but we gave the bad guy a laugh. 440 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:51,148 That's something. 441 00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:56,403 Our book! The real one! 442 00:19:56,486 --> 00:19:58,530 -Yes! -Wonderful words! 443 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,490 No need to thank me, boys. 444 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,534 Hey, you wouldn't say that 445 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,329 unless there was a need to thank you. 446 00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,915 {\an8}You could never have printed your version of the book 447 00:20:07,998 --> 00:20:10,250 {\an8}without the publisher's password, 448 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:13,128 so I pretended to betray you. 449 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,005 Then after he typed the password, 450 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:18,091 I secretly switched the flash drives. 451 00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:20,594 You switched the drives? 452 00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:23,847 {\an8}I got the idea from every movie ever made. 453 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:37,444 {\an8}And the best part is, my face is still on the back flap. 454 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,322 {\an8}(gasps) Gaiman! 455 00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:47,162 Poor Lisa. 456 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,248 Did it never occur to her that there might be 457 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,291 three flash drives? 458 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:55,420 I've heisted my way to the best-seller list once again. 459 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:57,881 And the most brilliant part is, 460 00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,509 I don't even know how to read. 461 00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:02,594 ♪♪ 462 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,690 {\an8}(laughs) 463 00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:18,068 {\an8}Gaiman, I've been waiting to do this for a long time. 464 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,237 {\an8}(yells) 465 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:24,157 {\an8}Congratulations, partner. We did it. 466 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,995 {\an8}Hey, Neil, how come you watched me drink mine, 467 00:21:28,078 --> 00:21:30,455 {\an8}-but you didn't drink yours? -It's simple, Moe. 468 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:33,292 {\an8}I don't like the taste... of poison. 469 00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,794 {\an8}Ah... crap. 470 00:21:35,877 --> 00:21:37,921 {\an8}(theme music playing) 471 00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,770 Shh! 472 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,985 {\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay