1
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,963
(grunts)
2
00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:06,339
(caws)
3
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,262
(exclaiming)
4
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,601
(school bell ringing)
5
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,647
(Barney belches)
6
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,399
(whistle blows)
7
00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,109
(yells)
8
00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:31,948
(beeping)
9
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,913
(playing the blues)
10
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:53,053
(gunfire)
11
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,056
(tires screeching)
12
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,018
(horn honking, Grampa shouts)
13
00:01:04,105 --> 00:01:05,231
D'oh!
14
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,316
(tires screeching)
15
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:07,984
(grunts)
16
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,861
(bluesy jazz music playing)
17
00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,863
(sirens wailing in distance)
18
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:13,823
(sign buzzing)
19
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,617
-(clicking)
-Hmm?
20
00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,786
(clicking)
21
00:01:22,373 --> 00:01:23,875
(scratching)
22
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,877
(footsteps approaching)
23
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:27,003
-You little!
-(gun cocks)
24
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:31,424
-(saxophone playing)
-(gasps)
25
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:34,135
(playing the blues)
26
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,303
(shotgun cocks)
27
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:41,059
(all growling)
28
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:48,525
(sighs)
29
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:49,943
-Mm?
-(ice clattering)
30
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:51,236
Hmm?
31
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:52,570
Mmm.
32
00:01:57,867 --> 00:01:59,869
{\an8}(all gasp)
33
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,086
(kids chattering)
34
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,504
Everybody out.
35
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,217
Everybody in.
36
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,389
{\an8}-Bathroom break!
-I spilled my pills!
37
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:22,142
{\an8}Music today has no melody!
38
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,686
{\an8}-(tires screech)
-Everybody out!
39
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,064
{\an8}Children, you can stop
writing letters of support
40
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,024
{\an8}to our troops; that was just busywork.
41
00:02:32,777 --> 00:02:35,280
Now, I want to explain
Miss Hoover's absence.
42
00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,866
She is suffering from severe...
43
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:42,120
...depression.
44
00:02:43,371 --> 00:02:44,622
(kids murmuring)
45
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,332
Not to worry,
46
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,376
she has been treated
with heavy doses of...
47
00:02:48,459 --> 00:02:50,628
Lorazepam and other drugs from the...
48
00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:53,089
Benzodiazepine family.
49
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,635
{\an8}Now, until Miss Hoover returns,
50
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,471
{\an8}this class will be getting
a permanent substitute.
51
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:02,056
{\an8}(excited chattering)
52
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,642
{\an8}Please let it be someone smart, motivated,
53
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,228
{\an8}and who won't just teach us
corporate-sponsored lessons.
54
00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:10,815
{\an8}Lisa, without corporate sponsorship,
55
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,525
{\an8}we wouldn't be able to teach you
the three R's:
56
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:14,736
{\an8}reading, refreshment,
and Raspberry Buzz Lite.
57
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:15,987
{\an8}Get your razz on!
58
00:03:16,070 --> 00:03:17,488
{\an8}(tires screech outside, kids murmuring)
59
00:03:20,825 --> 00:03:21,826
{\an8}Confident,
60
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,703
{\an8}Vassar sticker on the windshield.
61
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:25,246
{\an8}(gasps) Could it be?
62
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,415
{\an8}Do I detect enthusiasm?
63
00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:31,002
{\an8}She's brought her own orrery!
64
00:03:31,085 --> 00:03:33,213
{\an8}And it's got no Pluto!
65
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,923
{\an8}How cutting edge.
66
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:37,175
{\an8}Please be her, please be her.
67
00:03:37,258 --> 00:03:38,509
{\an8}Is this Ms. Hoover's class?
68
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:39,594
{\an8}(quietly) Score!
69
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:42,180
{\an8}Meet your new teacher, Ms. Cantwell.
70
00:03:42,263 --> 00:03:44,807
{\an8}Do not call her by
the obvious dirty nickname.
71
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,770
{\an8}Now I must meet with
the new art teacher, Mr. Testacleese.
72
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:49,771
{\an8}(snickering)
73
00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:52,148
{\an8}Lisa Simpson. Hi.
74
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,150
{\an8}As second grade student-faculty liaison,
75
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,361
{\an8}-I'd like to welcome you...
-Get back in your seat.
76
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:59,030
{\an8}If I have any apples that need polishing,
I'll let you know.
77
00:03:59,113 --> 00:04:02,075
{\an8}I understand there are
homework assignments.
78
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,868
{\an8}Mm.
79
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,037
{\an8}Well done, Ralpa.
80
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,997
{\an8}If I can't remember the right letter,
81
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,624
{\an8}I just put an "A."
82
00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,334
{\an8}Well, here's another one.
83
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:15,546
{\an8}Well, while you're grading
so generously, here's mine.
84
00:04:15,630 --> 00:04:17,131
{\an8}"B."
85
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:19,050
{\an8}-As in, "because I say so."
-(gasps)
86
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:23,638
{\an8}(Lisa groaning)
87
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:27,016
{\an8}Nothing brings them around
like old cafeteria meatballs.
88
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,268
{\an8}Meat?!
89
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,853
{\an8}(Lisa groaning)
90
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:35,066
{\an8}I thought you might be cold, honey,
so I put this chinchilla coat on you.
91
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:37,777
{\an8}-Fur?! (gasps)
-(chuckles)
92
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,195
{\an8}It's not really chinchilla.
93
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,698
{\an8}I just thought she needed more sleep.
94
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,700
{\an8}(doorbell rings)
95
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,243
{\an8}Hey, Flanders.
96
00:04:45,326 --> 00:04:46,995
{\an8}-Can I borrow some sugar?
-Sure.
97
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,163
{\an8}-Uh, a little cream?
-Goes with the sugar.
98
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,082
{\an8}Now if you could make with
some bacon and eggs,
99
00:04:51,165 --> 00:04:52,208
{\an8}I'll be on my way.
100
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,584
{\an8}(sighs)
101
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:55,712
{\an8}Why don't you come on in
and have breakfast with us?
102
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,255
{\an8}Are your kids gonna be there?
103
00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:58,381
{\an8}Eh, for a little bit.
104
00:04:58,464 --> 00:05:00,466
{\an8}(sighs) Okay.
105
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,552
{\an8}Homer, you know my parents,
Capri and Nedward.
106
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,053
{\an8}Hey, hey, Homer J.
107
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,264
{\an8}How many beers did you kill today?
108
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:07,807
{\an8}(laughing)
109
00:05:07,890 --> 00:05:09,309
{\an8}Dad, don't encourage him!
110
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,395
{\an8}Son, you are the Mayor of Dullsville.
111
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,814
{\an8}Now, you know we don't
discuss politics at the table.
112
00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,232
{\an8}Hello, police?
113
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,818
{\an8}I'd like to report
a buzz-kill in progress.
114
00:05:18,901 --> 00:05:20,320
{\an8}There's no emergency here.
115
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:22,572
{\an8}And please charge us for the false report.
116
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:25,742
I'm going out for a power walk.
117
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,870
Whoa, this room just got
a whole lot cooler.
118
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:31,247
-(laughter)
-Oh, man.
119
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,255
(both sigh)
120
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:42,300
Okay, children, ten minutes of free play.
121
00:05:42,383 --> 00:05:44,552
-(kids chattering)
-I'm a fun factory.
122
00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:49,474
Lisa, free play.
123
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,225
But I am playing.
124
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,436
I'm hop-scotching
from paragraph to paragraph,
125
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,813
climbing the monkey bars
of plot and theme.
126
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,398
Ugh, bull-pie.
127
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,400
You're trying to get ahead
of the other children.
128
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,444
That's it, you're losing joeys.
129
00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:06,032
Please keep them together.
130
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:07,784
If not for me, for the mother.
131
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:11,913
LISA:
(gasps)
132
00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,540
Is it possible I've met
a teacher who doesn't like me?
133
00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:17,794
The joeys go in feet first. (chuckles)
134
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,796
(gasps) Chauncey!
135
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,255
(panting)
136
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,549
Six miles, and I'm all smiles.
137
00:06:24,717 --> 00:06:26,135
Whew.
138
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:29,138
Funyuns? Little Debbies?
139
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,557
-(sitar playing)
-That's cross-legged music.
140
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,643
(laughter)
141
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,481
Look at the size of that bird.
142
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:41,818
I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.
143
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,736
Homer, I can't believe
144
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,571
you're partaking with my parents.
145
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,990
Yeah, it's medicinal.
We had a pain in our neck.
146
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,159
(laughter)
147
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,038
(laughter continues)
148
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,338
(grunts)
149
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,173
I didn't know you were left-handed.
150
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:05,925
(groans)
151
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:16,644
Homer, you'll need to wear this eye patch
152
00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:17,937
for a couple weeks.
153
00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:21,232
And, uh, you may never
see a film in 3-D again.
154
00:07:21,315 --> 00:07:22,859
(laughs)
155
00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:27,113
But the storytelling
is finally catching up to the technology.
156
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:28,698
Ned Flanders.
157
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,701
I can't believe you struck my husband.
158
00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:34,412
Marge, I've been
racked with guilt and pain.
159
00:07:34,495 --> 00:07:37,874
My mustache fell out; this is a clip-on.
160
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:40,877
Sorry, Homer. Now, do you mind
if I pray at your bedside?
161
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,046
No, I don't. If you pray to Superman.
162
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,674
(chuckles) Not praying to a character
in a comic book.
163
00:07:46,757 --> 00:07:48,634
What about Christian Archie comics?
164
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,470
Neither canonical nor comical.
165
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,180
Here, I'll get you started.
166
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,557
Hail Superman, wearing tights,
167
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,309
Clark Kent be thy name,
168
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,644
one nation, under Zod...
169
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,438
-Not praying to Superman.
-Grouch.
170
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,690
Ned, Homie's a little cranky right now.
171
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:06,235
More than his eye,
I think you hurt his feelings.
172
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,488
Give him one of your
famous murmurs, Marge.
173
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,989
-My what?
-Your famous murmur.
174
00:08:10,072 --> 00:08:12,450
You know. (murmurs)
175
00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:14,285
I never made that noise in my life!
176
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,745
(murmurs)
177
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:18,247
Thanks, Flanders.
Punch my eye, destroy my marriage.
178
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:20,500
Now just pull the plug and let me die!
179
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,168
That's the plug for the light.
180
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,253
(imitating flatline)
181
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,588
(sighs)
182
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,136
(yawns)
183
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,932
Neddy, I know you feel guilty
about coldcocking Homer.
184
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,558
Please don't use that word in bed.
185
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:40,311
(groans) You need to get some sleep.
186
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:43,147
(sighs) Dare I take another sleep aid?
187
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:45,274
(sighs)
188
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,360
Better not take a full dose.
189
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:52,532
Mmm. See you in eight hours.
190
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,741
(snoring)
191
00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:57,453
(groaning)
192
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,082
(gasping)
193
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:02,250
(screams)
194
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:06,045
(gate creaks)
195
00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:07,505
Was this always waiting for me,
196
00:09:07,588 --> 00:09:09,298
or was it recently thrown together?
197
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,675
That's what I want to know.
198
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:13,511
MALE VOICES: ♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly ♪
199
00:09:13,594 --> 00:09:16,264
♪ Welcome neighborino ♪
200
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:18,099
♪ Hey-diddly hell-diddly ♪
201
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,517
♪ Welcome neighborino ♪
202
00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:25,064
Down here, we worship
famous atheist Richard Dawkins,
203
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,858
author of The God Delusion!
204
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,069
(laughs maniacally)
205
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:32,822
I'm making Catholic saint stew.
206
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,615
(gasping)
207
00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:41,247
(gasps)
208
00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:49,338
No, not Surf 'n Murph.
209
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,840
(screams)
210
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:55,928
The answer to my woe must be in here.
211
00:09:56,012 --> 00:09:58,431
♪ Whoo, let's get it on ♪
212
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:01,684
Nope, not that. Not to my taste.
213
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,854
Flag that for later. Finally.
214
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,773
I know what I must do.
215
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:10,484
(school bell ringing)
216
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:12,320
(sighs)
217
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,863
-Ms. Cantwell?
-Yes?
218
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:16,616
-Why are you so mean to me?
-You really want to know?
219
00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:19,160
More than I want unicorns to be real.
220
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:21,245
Well, if you guess,
I'll give you extra credit.
221
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,706
-I remind you of you?
-Now you've got a demerit.
222
00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,541
This class doesn't give demerits.
223
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,418
Now it does,
and you just got another one.
224
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:28,836
What if I homeschool?
225
00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,671
You're bluffing; I've driven by your home.
226
00:10:30,755 --> 00:10:32,173
(gasps)
227
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:33,758
Principal Skinner...
228
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,259
Not now.
229
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,927
I'm dealing with Mr. Testacleese.
230
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,096
Look, kids can be cruel, Dick.
231
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,431
NELSON: Ha-ha!
232
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:43,184
We don't know when we've gone too far!
233
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,562
(growls)
234
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,109
"Ann, Mark, Bill and Sally
are on the Ferris wheel.
235
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,694
Ann is behind Sally.
236
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,905
Mark is in front of Bill." (gasps)
237
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,199
Look who's on the Ferris wheel.
238
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,534
Your precious joeys!
239
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,578
(laughs maniacally)
240
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,958
(panting)
241
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:10,961
Better switch to social studies.
242
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:14,131
"Eleanor Roosevelt became
Franklin's eyes and ears and..."
243
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,675
(gasps)
244
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,593
Here's the new deal: you fail!
245
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,679
(cackling)
246
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:25,893
(groans)
247
00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:27,311
(grunts) Oh!
248
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,646
I wish you wouldn't wear sweaters
249
00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,523
that the senior ladies knit.
250
00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,066
Well, putting my arms in sleeves
251
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,694
is about all I got to offer a woman.
252
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,780
-(groans)
-What's the matter, sweetie?
253
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,324
Is a book character having difficulties?
254
00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,034
I have a bully at school.
255
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:44,203
Oh. Did you tell the teacher?
256
00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:46,539
My bully is my teacher.
257
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,708
A teacher can't be a bully.
258
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,543
Oh, they sure can!
259
00:11:50,626 --> 00:11:52,336
When I was a boy,
260
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,463
teachers would rap my knuckles
with a yardstick.
261
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:58,008
Now you've got the metric system.
262
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,844
We don't have the metric system.
263
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,887
What? This isn't Sweden?
264
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,639
And I'm not King Olaf?
265
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,393
Oh, I got some explaining to do
down at the bank.
266
00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:12,106
CHALMERS: Skinner!
267
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,566
Why am I here?
268
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:15,985
Did this fat boy injure his eye
in shop class?
269
00:12:16,068 --> 00:12:17,611
That place is a killing field.
270
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:21,782
We're here because our daughter
is being bullied by your teacher.
271
00:12:21,866 --> 00:12:24,368
Mrs. Simpson, this school
does not hire bullies.
272
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,370
-That's right. We...
-Quiet, nerd!
273
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,955
Well, she's just a substitute.
274
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:31,041
Maybe you could transfer
Ms. Cantwell to another school.
275
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:33,294
Nix. She's already got two weeks tenure,
276
00:12:33,377 --> 00:12:35,713
so she's impossible to dislodge.
277
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,548
I hate unions.
278
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,092
There's this guy at my plant,
caused three meltdowns,
279
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,011
and he still keeps his job.
280
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,304
Homer, that's you.
281
00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:44,388
Oh, yeah.
282
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,557
I say, "Union," you say, "Power"!
283
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,725
-Union!
-Power.
284
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,059
-Union!
-Power.
285
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:51,562
(quietly) Marge, you're really
dogging it on the "power."
286
00:12:51,645 --> 00:12:55,566
But don't worry.
Because of the union, you're safe.
287
00:12:55,649 --> 00:12:57,902
So, just what are you
gonna do for our daughter?
288
00:12:57,985 --> 00:13:00,654
We should talk about what
we're going to promise to do,
289
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:01,822
not what we'll actually do.
290
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,908
We really appreciate that.
291
00:13:03,991 --> 00:13:05,159
(murmurs)
292
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,494
(bird squawks)
293
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,121
Look at those eyes.
294
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,791
There's an employee with
a healthy case of the go-get-'ems.
295
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,167
(snoring)
296
00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:15,961
Hear that lion's roar of determination.
297
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:19,340
Homer, Homer, I found the answer!
298
00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:20,424
Wha...? Huh?
299
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,426
Flanders. How did you get in here?
300
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,470
This place is a highly-sensitive area.
301
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:27,181
Who here wants to touch radiation?
302
00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:30,935
"Life shall go for life,
eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth."
303
00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:33,938
Hey, I don't go to where you work
and read the Bible to you.
304
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:35,940
I would embrace such a glad visit.
305
00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:37,191
Just what do you want?
306
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,610
I want you to punch me in the eye.
307
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:40,986
If you do, then we're even,
308
00:13:41,070 --> 00:13:43,364
according to Exodus,
Leviticus and Matthew.
309
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:45,366
You went and hired a law firm, eh?
310
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:46,784
That's pretty aggressive.
311
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,036
(sighs)
Jeepers creepers, pop my peeper!
312
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:50,621
Come on, man. What's the catch?
313
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,790
Homer, just call me a little bubble,
314
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,292
'cause I'm on the level. Punch me.
315
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:58,045
Hmm.
316
00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,759
Come on, Homer.
317
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,219
I'm insisting on a fisting.
318
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,263
What's this about a fisting?
319
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,639
I'm not punching you, Flanders.
320
00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:09,890
What? Why?
321
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,184
Because if I hit you back, we'll be even.
322
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:16,814
But if I don't hit you,
that makes me the better man.
323
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,191
And I'm liking the way that feels.
324
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,818
No, you can't.
325
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:23,070
If I'm not as good as you,
then I'm horrible!
326
00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:25,155
It's not for me to judge, Ned, because...
327
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,907
I am the better man!
328
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:29,034
-Now, there's no need to...
-Better man, coming through!
329
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,954
Way better-better-better!
Way better-better-better!
330
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,789
-Zing!
-Enough.
331
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,250
You may be the sweater man,
but Homer is the better man.
332
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,794
-Now you're rhyming?!
-Oh!
333
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,338
I didn't know you were left-handed.
334
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,306
Hello, Lisa.
335
00:14:50,389 --> 00:14:52,433
I was shocked to hear
from Principal Skinner
336
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,310
that you and I aren't getting along.
337
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,645
You should never tell on a bully, Lisa.
338
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,314
Everyone knows that.
339
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,901
Lisa Simpson?!
340
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:02,985
In detention?
341
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:05,154
Every rap sheet has a first line.
342
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,573
What are you in for, murdering Chopin?
343
00:15:07,656 --> 00:15:08,991
(laughter)
344
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,659
Chopin.
345
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,244
Can I ask you guys something?
346
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,330
Why does someone become a bully?
347
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,831
-Neglect.
-Abuse.
348
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,541
I'm a Cubs fan.
349
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,044
But why would my teacher be a bully?
350
00:15:20,127 --> 00:15:21,837
-What? Huh?
-I don't know.
351
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,213
Your bully's a teacher?
352
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:26,300
That means all of us can be teachers.
353
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:27,635
Boo-yah!
354
00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,845
I'm gonna buy me a Hyundai Elantra!
355
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,597
-Oh, cool!
-Whoa!
356
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:32,806
(sighs)
357
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:37,436
Do not cross.
358
00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:40,105
It is that monster
that terrorizes the jolly fat man!
359
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,441
Come on, people.
You're safe as Sunday with me.
360
00:15:42,524 --> 00:15:43,943
I wouldn't hurt a fly.
361
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,279
(coughing, gagging)
362
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,989
I saw the whole thing!
363
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:52,451
That innocent fly
flew from that fresh pile
364
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,829
of dog feces right into
that monster's mouth!
365
00:15:55,913 --> 00:15:56,789
(spits)
366
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:58,248
Fear not, people.
367
00:15:58,332 --> 00:16:00,459
I will lead you safely across.
368
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,252
(horn honking)
369
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,463
-MAN: Idiot!
-Help me, Flanders.
370
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:05,965
(sighs)
371
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:09,093
Never get into Heaven.
372
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,261
Took harp lessons for nothing.
373
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,681
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
And here comes the tarp.
374
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:16,600
{\an8}The word "tarp," of course,
is short for "tarpaulin,"
375
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,019
which Wikipedia defines as a strong,
376
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:21,230
resilient, water-resistant material.
377
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,274
That definition is a hit with no errors!
378
00:16:24,358 --> 00:16:26,193
What's wrong, sweetie?
379
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:27,945
My teacher's still bullying me.
380
00:16:28,028 --> 00:16:29,655
Even after we came to school?
381
00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,073
(sniffles)
382
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:32,825
That just made it worse.
383
00:16:32,908 --> 00:16:35,035
Oh, every time I try to fix things,
384
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:36,787
it just makes things worse.
385
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,039
But I'm gonna fix this.
386
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,791
Uh-huh.
387
00:16:40,874 --> 00:16:43,210
I think I have an idea.
388
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:47,297
Now there's a baby duck
paddling around on the tarp.
389
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:51,051
You think they move those legs
one at a time or both at once?
390
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,220
ANNOUNCER 2:
Oh, I'd go with one at a time, Vic.
391
00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:55,514
ANNOUNCER: You know,
the great Mel Ott used to raise ducks
392
00:16:55,597 --> 00:16:57,099
in Louisiana during the off-season.
393
00:16:57,182 --> 00:16:58,934
And when a duck got sick,
394
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,395
he would take it to bed with him
till it got well.
395
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:02,604
Mm-hmm.
396
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,107
(doorbell rings)
397
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,943
Flanders, I've come to forgive you.
398
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:10,237
Oh, my prayers have been answered!
399
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,031
Well, actually, just this one.
400
00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:14,700
Uh, there is one condition.
401
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:16,994
You want to hit me.
Well, sir, here's a roll of quarters
402
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:18,787
to put in your fist
for extra punching power.
403
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,248
Now, you can shatter my orbital bone.
404
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:22,624
That'll knock the wax off my candle.
405
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:25,627
Don't want to hit you.
I want your wife.
406
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:27,212
(gasps)
407
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:34,094
To elaborate,
I want your wife, the teacher,
408
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,805
to help get rid of Lisa's substitute.
409
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,266
Edna? You know how you said
you could help me
410
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:41,894
with any desire,
and nothing was forbidden?
411
00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:45,189
Well, sir, I want you
to get rid of Lisa's bully teacher.
412
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:48,901
Ooh. Well, there's only one way:
the nuclear option.
413
00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:51,695
How much plutonium do you want?
Got to warn you,
414
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,156
it might take me 20 minutes to get it.
415
00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,413
-Ms. Cantwell?
-Yes?
416
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,957
I have a new student for your class.
417
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:07,044
(demonic voices singing)
418
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,670
-Yo.
-Yes.
419
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,715
This is a very rare mid-year
two-grade send-back.
420
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,884
Something's fishy.
Are you dating this boy?
421
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:17,971
Right. I can't be around him
'cause he's so delicious.
422
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:18,972
(laughs)
423
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,392
Well, I can't see
what harm one kid could do.
424
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:37,199
When I come out of this,
I'll be a butterfly.
425
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:40,202
(lawnmower whirring)
426
00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,287
I just went to the bathroom
for two minutes.
427
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:44,414
I know. Posted a video online.
428
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,584
Stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa, stupid Lisa.
429
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,211
Okay, you've won.
430
00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,587
You've driven me out of this
431
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,840
plum substitute teaching job.
432
00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:55,759
Ms. Cantwell, I can make this stop.
433
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:58,262
All you have to do is like me.
434
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,013
I... I can't.
435
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,185
Wait, wait. There's no need to leave.
436
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,855
You showed up before
the students; that's all we asked.
437
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,065
You two are the worst-dressed
gay men I've ever met.
438
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,316
(tires screeching)
439
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,985
Ms. Cantwell, wait!
440
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,903
I've got to know before you leave.
441
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,822
Why don't you like me?
442
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,158
Lisa, sometimes you just
don't like a person.
443
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:22,077
There's no logical explanation.
It just is.
444
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,954
That is so unsatisfying.
445
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,247
(sighs)
446
00:19:25,330 --> 00:19:26,748
Here we go.
447
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,375
If you don't get what you want,
you get all pouty.
448
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,460
All you pretty girls are the same.
449
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,962
You think I'm pretty?
450
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:34,756
Right, like you don't get told that
every day of your life,
451
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,425
with your perfect blonde hair,
452
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,052
that Kewpie doll voice
that drives the boys crazy.
453
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,555
And what eight-year-old wears pearls?
454
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,850
Bookworms like me
can't stand party girls like you.
455
00:19:44,933 --> 00:19:48,103
She hates me because I'm pretty!
456
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,980
(whoops)
457
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:51,899
Not so pretty now, are you?
458
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,901
Can you sign my yearbook?
459
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,446
I'm glad the only beef between us
is this burger.
460
00:19:57,529 --> 00:19:59,823
Mm, they sure are getting along.
461
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,783
(laughs) They don't know it,
462
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,244
but I slipped a little (whistles)
463
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:06,371
into the brownies I gave them.
464
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,250
How long has it been since
we prayed together, neighbor?
465
00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:12,794
This is praying? Let me out of here!
466
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,464
(whimpering)
467
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:19,426
{\an8}HOMER: Help me, God.
468
00:21:02,552 --> 00:21:04,137
Shh!
469
00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,935
{\an8}Subtitled by A. Vandelay