1 00:00:02,585 --> 00:00:04,713 -("Jingle Bells" playing) -CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:06,256 (Barney belches) 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,760 (theme music playing) 4 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,512 (exclaims) 5 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,020 (school bell ringing) 6 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:26,609 -(whistle blows) -(yells) 7 00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,373 (playing the blues) 8 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,670 (playing the blues) 9 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:51,634 (grunts) 10 00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:54,054 (whistle blows) 11 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:13,156 -(cats yowl) -(yells) 12 00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:19,871 -(bicycle bell dings) -(dogs barking) 13 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:21,539 Merry Christmas! 14 00:01:34,969 --> 00:01:37,806 ♪ The Itchy & Scratchy Show ♪ 15 00:01:41,893 --> 00:01:44,145 Merry Christmas, movie house! 16 00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,898 Merry Christmas, Mr. Mouse! 17 00:01:46,981 --> 00:01:48,775 {\an8}(screams) 18 00:01:53,863 --> 00:01:57,033 (listless) Hey-hey. Due to modern sensitivity, 19 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,285 we've been asked to block any violent images 20 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:01,204 that appear in this children's cartoon. 21 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,997 Oh, my God! 22 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:05,458 I never watched one of these sober! 23 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:09,420 I gotta get this bloodbath off my kids' show! 24 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,926 KRUSTY: Damn it! 25 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:17,470 {\an8}Aw, geez, when did everything turn to crap? 26 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:20,598 {\an8}Bart, don't use language like that. 27 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,602 {\an8}(thinking) Man, things sure have turned to crap. 28 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:26,771 {\an8}-(humming) -Homer, you have to take 29 00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:30,525 {\an8}the Halloween decorations down before you put the Christmas ones up. 30 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:33,444 {\an8}Marge, to that I say boo humbug. 31 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,282 {\an8}(mechanical whirring) 32 00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:41,035 {\an8}(music playing on TV) 33 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:43,371 {\an8}There's a new Grinch this holiday season, 34 00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:45,623 {\an8}and its name is "global warming." 35 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,501 {\an8}Meteorologists warn there'll be no snow this Christmas 36 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,920 {\an8}anywhere in America, not even in Alaska, 37 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:54,716 {\an8}where the Eskimos now have 100 words for "nothing." 38 00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:56,259 {\an8}Global warming. Huh. 39 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:59,470 {\an8}By pure coincidence, every scientist was right. 40 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,389 {\an8}But it's not all doom and gloom. 41 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:04,142 {\an8}Illegal poachers are having a field day. 42 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,561 {\an8}♪ 80 degrees, water won't freeze ♪ 43 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:08,688 {\an8}♪ God help us, please, no one's on skis ♪ 44 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:10,899 ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting ♪ 45 00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:11,983 (owls hooting) 46 00:03:12,066 --> 00:03:14,485 ♪ Happy, happy, happy, happy hunting ♪ 47 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,404 (worried hooting) 48 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,326 {\an8}(Marge sighs) 49 00:03:21,409 --> 00:03:23,870 {\an8}Sorry, kids, I guess the hats and mittens 50 00:03:23,953 --> 00:03:25,747 {\an8}will have to wait until next year. 51 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:27,248 {\an8}BOTH: Oh! 52 00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,344 (humming) 53 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,935 {\an8}Hmm? Snow? 54 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:49,270 {\an8}(laughs) Snow! 55 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,605 {\an8}(both gasp) 56 00:03:50,688 --> 00:03:54,192 {\an8}-Oh, you know what this means, kids? -(both gasp) 57 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,528 {\an8}I don't have to pick up the dog poops! 58 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,864 {\an8}(sobbing) 59 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,576 {\an8}Uh, so you see, the "snow" 60 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,870 {\an8}is a microclimate aberration 61 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:09,207 {\an8}caused by radioactive steam from the nuclear plant 62 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:12,043 {\an8}and, of course, tire fire particulate. 63 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:15,421 {\an8}So, we're the only place in America with snow, 64 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,465 {\an8}if you can call it that. I guess you can. 65 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,552 {\an8}Don't you idiots see what this means?! 66 00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,680 {\an8}Idiots? Why do we reelect this guy? 67 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,266 {\an8}'Cause his opponent has a long Slavic name. 68 00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:27,684 (crowd grumbling) 69 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,894 Who want bumper sticker? 70 00:04:29,978 --> 00:04:33,690 {\an8}People, Springfield is now the only town in America 71 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,775 {\an8}that has snow this Christmas. 72 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,486 {\an8}So tourists are going to want to come here. 73 00:04:38,569 --> 00:04:40,321 {\an8}Stay in our hotels! 74 00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,781 {\an8}Slurp our spaghetti. 75 00:04:41,864 --> 00:04:44,617 {\an8}Die in our hospitals. (chuckles) 76 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:47,996 {\an8}I say we welcome our winter tourists with open arms, 77 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,789 then gouge the hell out of 'em! 78 00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:52,208 Who? Who will gouge with me? 79 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,876 I, too, will gouge! 80 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:58,381 Duff Beer is proud to make a corporate commitment to gouging! 81 00:04:58,464 --> 00:04:59,966 (cheering) 82 00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:07,974 Here come the tourists. 83 00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:10,643 Man your ATMs. Yar. 84 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,896 (both chuckle) 85 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,152 (belches) 86 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,576 Why would a robot need mittens? 87 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:28,828 Why would a little boy need an aspirin? 88 00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,413 I don't know. (grunts) 89 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:33,583 The one thing Bongo Comics are good for. 90 00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,839 (groans) Are you okay, Chief? 91 00:05:39,922 --> 00:05:41,507 (panicky) I'll be fine, I'll be fine. 92 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:44,886 God, I bent down to pick up a piece of candy and rolled down a hill. 93 00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:48,681 You always think it's the other guy that'll turn into a giant snowball. 94 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:49,891 Never you. 95 00:05:49,974 --> 00:05:51,434 Have you seen Lou? 96 00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:53,603 LOU: There's snow in my lungs! 97 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,730 Lot of attitude in that hand, Lou. 98 00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:57,231 Lot of attitude. 99 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,858 -(horns honking) -(Marge groans) 100 00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:01,569 Look at all these out-of-state license plates. 101 00:06:01,652 --> 00:06:03,196 "First in Freeways," 102 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,697 "The 'Yuh-Huh' State," 103 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,532 "Jewel of the Fracking Belt"? 104 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,409 "Still a British Colony at Heart," 105 00:06:08,493 --> 00:06:10,328 "Land of Many Water Snakes"? 106 00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:11,662 (Marge groaning) 107 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:14,332 Valet parking, five dollars. 108 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,250 -(tires screech) -(horns honk) 109 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,919 Oh... 110 00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,589 -(bell dings) -(gasps) 111 00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,467 People, I'm completely out of milk! 112 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:27,261 I do have several DVDs of the movie Milk, 113 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:30,890 an inspiring return to form for director Gus Van Sant. 114 00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,059 Uh, do you have Life of Pi? 115 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:37,438 No, but I have some home movies of me on a canoe with a big dog. 116 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,483 People who have never seen a movie say it is a good movie. 117 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,202 Mmm? 118 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:52,995 (sighs) 119 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:56,207 We can't afford Christmas. 120 00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:59,877 And when you can't afford Christmas, you've failed as a family. 121 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,422 (voice breaks) That's what all the big stores say. 122 00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:07,176 Excuse me, ma'am. I'm so sorry to bother you, 123 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,887 but my kids are exhausted and the town is sold out. 124 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,932 Is there any chance you'd have a spare room for us? 125 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,268 Well, there's a rec room off the kitchen, 126 00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:17,937 but sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't. 127 00:07:18,020 --> 00:07:20,773 Our house is very odd that way. 128 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,609 Please? Please, ma'am? We'd pay you $300 a night. 129 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,612 Well, you seem like a nice, pushy stranger. 130 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:30,199 Ma'am, because we talk this way, people always think that we're, um... 131 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,869 -Uh, what is that word, honey? -Passive-aggressive. 132 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,120 Right, right, but we're not. 133 00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:37,457 Please, please take our money and everybody wins. 134 00:07:41,169 --> 00:07:42,795 (Homer humming) 135 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:46,924 Hmm? Oh, good. 136 00:07:47,008 --> 00:07:49,677 Marge remarried after I died. 137 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,472 Wait a minute. I'm not dead. What's going on?! 138 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:54,474 These are our new boarders. 139 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:55,808 Uh-uh. No way. 140 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:58,811 I'm not sharing my bed with anybody except you. 141 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,939 And maybe that guy. Lincoln-style. But that's it. 142 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,941 This is a great thing. 143 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:08,279 We're helping people celebrate Christmas, and we'll be able to afford Christmas. 144 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:09,614 Oh, I don't know. 145 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,699 It won't seem like Christmas without opening up 146 00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:14,202 a giant credit card bill in January. 147 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:15,578 Take a look at this. 148 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,580 HOMER: What the... 149 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:21,000 "The Simpson Bed and Breakfast"? (chuckles) 150 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:23,628 I always wanted to stay in a place like this. 151 00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:25,755 But Christmas is a special time. 152 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:29,717 And I like to spend it in the warm embrace of watching football. 153 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,928 Homer Simpson, ask yourself, 154 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,971 W.W.B.J.D.? 155 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,140 -Huh? -What Would Baby Jesus Do? 156 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:40,061 (The Beach Boys' "Merry Christmas, Baby" begins) 157 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,439 ♪ My baby she told me she don't want to hold me ♪ 158 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,651 ♪ And kiss my lips anymore ♪ 159 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,403 ♪ She's gonna leave me ♪ 160 00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,072 ♪ And she don't believe me ♪ 161 00:08:51,155 --> 00:08:54,575 ♪ That I'll be true now ♪ 162 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,577 ♪ Well, maybe she don't love me ♪ 163 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,329 ♪ And is not thinkin' of me ♪ 164 00:08:58,412 --> 00:09:00,498 ♪ But why'd she do it this time of year? ♪ 165 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,333 ♪ Doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 166 00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:05,920 ♪ She knows that I'll miss her and I'll want to kiss her ♪ 167 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:09,674 {\an8}♪ If just for Christmas ♪ 168 00:09:09,757 --> 00:09:11,467 {\an8}♪ Merry Christmas... ♪ 169 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,221 Well, this crazy scheme is the kind of impulsive behavior 170 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:17,515 I want to encourage in you. 171 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:20,518 Mmm... I'm in! 100%! 172 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:21,936 Oh, thank you. 173 00:09:22,019 --> 00:09:24,105 Now, Homie, table three needs more bread. 174 00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:25,982 -I'm on a break. -(groans) 175 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:35,366 (groans) 176 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:40,371 (groans) 177 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,727 Welcome to our day care center. 178 00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:05,479 All girls, please move to cootie quarantine. 179 00:10:06,772 --> 00:10:08,399 We've got a two-month-old. 180 00:10:08,482 --> 00:10:10,151 Are you sure you can handle her? 181 00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:11,777 Just don't lose this claim ticket. 182 00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,238 That church doesn't look very inspiring. 183 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,157 What a bland marquee. 184 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,451 -It doesn't look very inviting. -(indistinct chatter) 185 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,038 This whole crowd's gonna be at my sermon today. 186 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,790 Darling, did St. Paul worry about the crowds? 187 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:27,460 Oh, he wrote letters. Any fool can write letters. 188 00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:28,794 (scoffs) 189 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:37,136 Lord, I'm just a small-town minister. 190 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:38,971 We don't have Mormon money. 191 00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:42,183 But if you could see your way to guiding my fingers 192 00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:44,769 as I type this sermon... 193 00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:50,024 Oh, yeah. 194 00:10:50,107 --> 00:10:52,360 Oh, this is black-church good. 195 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,573 (murmuring) 196 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,119 -My friends... -(feedback drones) 197 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,205 -(groaning, chatter) -When he starts with "my friends," 198 00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:06,332 -it's always bad. -(sighs) Friends, every year, 199 00:11:06,415 --> 00:11:09,752 I tell you this holiday is about the birth of our Lord, 200 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:12,880 not singing Santas and full stockings. 201 00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:15,800 -(murmuring) -You're losing us! 202 00:11:15,883 --> 00:11:18,844 Christmas is not about what happened in a manger 203 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,013 some 2,000 years ago. 204 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:24,225 It is about what you do for others now. 205 00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:25,559 -Oh! -(murmuring) 206 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:30,064 Get me the church bulletin. Lovejoy's on fire. 207 00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:33,484 Christmas is the Holy Spirit. 208 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,487 Ooh, I didn't know there were doves in there. 209 00:11:36,570 --> 00:11:39,573 Give with your hearts! Give with your acts! 210 00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:43,828 And you will know the true meaning of Christmas. 211 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:47,456 {\an8}-(music playing) -(congregation gasping) 212 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,458 (oohing and aahing) 213 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,544 Wow, what a showman. 214 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:54,922 (cheering, whooping) 215 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,008 I haven't felt this inspired since the blueberries at breakfast. 216 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:01,637 -Daddy, permission for a religious fit? -A brief one. 217 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,264 (speaking in tongues) 218 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,099 I said a fit, not a fervor. 219 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,727 That sermon really inspired me. 220 00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:09,687 This whole Christmas has been about money. 221 00:12:09,770 --> 00:12:11,605 (bell jingling) 222 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,942 -Oh, are you with the Salvation Army? -What makes you think that? 223 00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,027 -(coins clink) -Bless you. (laughs) 224 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:20,865 But I'm gonna give gifts that aren't expensive and come from the heart. 225 00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,324 I don't know. 226 00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,035 Christmas didn't get to be the number one holiday 227 00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,704 by being about love. 228 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:30,541 Um, when a woman talks, she just wants to be heard. 229 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,168 (groans) 230 00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:36,756 (Marge groans) Where's the end? 231 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,342 (gasps, groans) 232 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,720 Hey, Marge, we're running out of chestnuts over here. 233 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,764 Well, they don't grow on trees. 234 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,807 -Uh, yeah, they do. -Oh. 235 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:50,019 What about our romantic carriage ride through the snow? 236 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,687 Setting it up. 237 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:59,195 I don't think you're giving them what they were promised, Dad. 238 00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:03,324 The secret is-- don't read the comment cards. 239 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,372 -Where do the people sit? -I thought they were just gonna watch me. 240 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,875 Excuse me. This eggnog is terrible. 241 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:14,835 All eggnog is terrible. 242 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:18,255 Those stockings are not hung by the chimney with care. 243 00:13:19,423 --> 00:13:22,802 Why did I do this for money? Why did I do this for money? 244 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:26,889 And the Christmas special on your television is one of the worst. 245 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,643 ANNOUNCER: We now return to King Winter Feasts On His Children. 246 00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,896 {\an8}By the time Princess Summer comes to save you, 247 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,565 {\an8}you'll all be blood in my beard. 248 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,025 Ho, ho, ho, ho. 249 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:39,902 Your own father's beard. 250 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,487 (King Winter cackling) 251 00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:48,911 How long to see Santa? 252 00:13:48,994 --> 00:13:50,746 How would I know? I'm an accountant. 253 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,665 I imagine for small business, huh? 254 00:13:52,748 --> 00:13:54,333 God, I hate Christmas. 255 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,919 Huh? 256 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:59,046 Mr. Flanders, where's your store? 257 00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,841 Well, I'm down to a kiosk, thanks to that place. 258 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,553 Actually, half a kiosk. 259 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,429 Sharing it with Nasreen here. 260 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:11,016 No cream is finer than mall kiosk cream. 261 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,435 -J.Lo use it. -No, thanks. 262 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:16,021 It is no wonder you are not married. 263 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,398 Flip me back. 264 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:23,612 If I have to give presents, I'll give presents with a purpose. 265 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:26,073 One for Maggie. Check. 266 00:14:26,156 --> 00:14:28,409 All that's left is Bart. 267 00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:30,578 No. No. 268 00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:31,704 No. 269 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:32,830 No, no, no... 270 00:14:32,913 --> 00:14:35,249 Ah, perfect. 271 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:39,044 {\an8}GUESTS: ♪ All from Satan's power ♪ 272 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:43,173 {\an8}♪ As we were gone astray ♪ 273 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,634 ♪ Oh, tidings ♪ 274 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:49,555 ♪ Of comfort and joy ♪ 275 00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,391 ♪ In Bethlehem, in Israel ♪ 276 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,852 ♪ This blessed babe was born... ♪ 277 00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:56,061 Enough. Stop. 278 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,814 Christmas carols only have one verse. 279 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,566 Well, they may have more, but the second verse 280 00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:02,651 is where they get all weird and religiousy. 281 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,361 Uh, more wassail, please. 282 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,572 And don't skimp on the aromatic bitters. 283 00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,616 For your information, Gloria, 284 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:12,036 my wassail is just Gatorade I put in the microwave. 285 00:15:12,119 --> 00:15:14,622 -(both gasp) -I drank that under the mistletoe. 286 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,458 It's not mistletoe, just cherries and lettuce. 287 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:18,375 Oh! 288 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,045 I thought when I ate it, it wasn't poisonous. 289 00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,005 I've opened up my house to you 290 00:15:23,088 --> 00:15:26,675 and all you do is fill this joyous season with petty complaints. 291 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,802 Ho, ho, ho. 292 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:29,970 Not now. 293 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:32,556 Take out that pillow and put it in room three. 294 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,058 (exhales sharply) 295 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,185 The pillow acted as a girdle. 296 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:37,728 Any more questions? 297 00:15:37,811 --> 00:15:39,855 Uh, yes, will the pudding be figgy? 298 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,982 The pudding will be Jell-O. 299 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,400 Quite so. 300 00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,611 I'm going to sulk in my room. 301 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:48,989 The only thing good about this place is the piano player. 302 00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,699 (coins rattle) 303 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,868 ♪ ♪ 304 00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:09,385 (gasps) An Angelica Button wizard robe. 305 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:11,637 With wand pocket. 306 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,389 And wand. 307 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:15,891 (gasps) Professor Digglesby's wand. 308 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,060 Now I have every wizarding stick 309 00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:21,522 from the Spells and Potions Department of Wagglepoofs Academy. 310 00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:22,982 Don't make me learn about it. 311 00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,192 I know this Christmas has been a little rocky, 312 00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:26,694 even for the Simpsons, 313 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,613 but I think these gifts born of thought and love 314 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:33,033 will restore the balance of prajna and samsara. 315 00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,161 I mean holly and jolly. 316 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,789 Now, Dad, I'd like to give you your present. 317 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,209 -You got me weed? -Even better. 318 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:44,420 They're bags of seeds. 319 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,381 So that you can plant a garden and watch it grow. 320 00:16:47,464 --> 00:16:49,049 That's great, sweetie. 321 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:51,552 After all that time and hard work, 322 00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:53,595 I'll have... radishes?! 323 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,764 It's the most hated part of salad, 324 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,725 which is the most hated part of dinner. 325 00:16:57,808 --> 00:17:00,644 Radishes, nothing but radishes. 326 00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:04,982 Dad, stop. 327 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,443 What? I'm saving them from the struggle of life. 328 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,820 Well, at least you're eating vegetables. 329 00:17:09,903 --> 00:17:11,363 Vegetables?! 330 00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,158 Okay, Bart, open your present. 331 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,160 It's the one I'm most excited about. 332 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:18,579 Plastic bubbling vomit, plastic bubbling vomit. 333 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:22,458 What? Lis, you're smart. 334 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,376 Why would you give me a book? 335 00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:27,546 -'Cause it's easy to wrap? -Nothing is easy to wrap. 336 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:30,090 I have trouble with scissors. (sobs) 337 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,009 (guests murmuring) 338 00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:35,429 Marge, the brochure promised us a happy Christmas. 339 00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:39,141 My uncle died in your bed. Merry Christmas. 340 00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,648 (yawns) What? 341 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,859 (gasps) N.C. Wyeth. 342 00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:52,154 (huge gasp) These are book illustrations. 343 00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:55,949 Stop it! Stop it! 344 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,243 Why in the world would you burn a book? 345 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,496 Actually, the idea to do this came from a book. 346 00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,831 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury? 347 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,834 What? No, I got it from this. 348 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,836 MILHOUSE: See? 349 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,506 How could you burn the present I gave you? 350 00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:12,091 Because it's my present. 351 00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,176 Did you give it to me because you thought I'd like it 352 00:18:14,259 --> 00:18:17,012 or because you wanted to feel better about yourself? 353 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,556 Children, perhaps it's time that I explain 354 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,558 the true meaning of Christmas. 355 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,436 -HOMER: Shut up, Flanders. -Okily-dokily. 356 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,273 Now, did you check the room to make sure you haven't left anything? 357 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,317 -All set. -Need directions or a bottle of water? 358 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,194 No, thanks. We're fine. 359 00:18:32,277 --> 00:18:34,404 Thank you, sir. 360 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,281 (clears throat) 361 00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,575 Oh, right, we're still doing that. 362 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,661 -Come on. I'll drive you to the airport. -(door opens) 363 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:42,913 Where are my keys? Oh, right in here. 364 00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,623 Bart, you were right. 365 00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:47,084 If you smell your farts in a dream, you die? 366 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:49,211 No, about Christmas. 367 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:52,506 So I went out this morning, and I got you this. 368 00:18:52,589 --> 00:18:54,550 It's a tablet with books on it, 369 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:58,262 but also apps, like Worms With Friends. 370 00:18:58,345 --> 00:18:59,680 (muffled grumbling) 371 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,640 Wow. But how'd you afford it? 372 00:19:01,723 --> 00:19:04,101 I sold the gift you gave me. 373 00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:08,021 -Get the twist? -Obviously. 374 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:11,066 You're saying it's from Maggie, but actually it's from you. 375 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,359 Thanks, Lis. 376 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:13,986 Now, why don't you donate that 377 00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:16,280 to whatever hopeless cause you want. 378 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:17,447 Thanks, Bart. 379 00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:20,784 This will make a lot of arctic loons very happy. 380 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,287 (Marge groans) Uh, listen, 381 00:19:23,370 --> 00:19:26,790 I just wanted to say I'm sorry I overreacted. 382 00:19:26,874 --> 00:19:28,625 Thank you all for coming. 383 00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:31,128 Yeah, well, we have something to say to you, Marge. 384 00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,880 (groans) 385 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,632 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 386 00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,093 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 387 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,637 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 388 00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:45,434 ♪ And a happy New Year ♪ 389 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,150 ♪ Good tidings we bring... ♪ 390 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:54,818 No second verses. 391 00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:56,278 They creep me out. 392 00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:58,614 Okay, we'll sing a different one. 393 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,074 ♪ Good King Wenceslas looked out ♪ 394 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:03,160 ♪ On the Feast of Stephen... ♪ 395 00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,996 Oh, that one creeps me out from the beginning. 396 00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,123 ♪ When the snow lay round about ♪ 397 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,584 ♪ Deep and crisp and even ♪ 398 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:11,793 (loud whirring) 399 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,547 Oh, the happy sound of a blender. 400 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,347 {\an8}(theme music playing) 401 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,935 Subtitled by Jaime Richardson