1 00:00:02,752 --> 00:00:05,880 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,674 (bird chirping) 3 00:00:07,757 --> 00:00:09,634 (groaning) 4 00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:10,885 Hm... hmm?! 5 00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:13,054 "Lisa wants 6 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,057 a dot-dot-dot 7 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:18,393 guinea pig"? 8 00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:20,228 (humming happily) 9 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,441 (curious grunt) 10 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,692 (yells) 11 00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:27,027 {\an8}(Homer chewing) 12 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,611 (gulps, swallows) 13 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,113 (curious grunt) 14 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:33,700 {\an8}Hey, Homer, did you know that guinea pigs are self-groomers? 15 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,785 {\an8}And when the get excited, they jump straight up. 16 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:38,329 {\an8}-It's called "popcorning." -Lisa got to you. 17 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:40,040 {\an8}I don't know how, but she got to you. 18 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,458 {\an8}(phone buzzing) 19 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:43,710 {\an8}(chiming) 20 00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,336 {\an8}Emojis. 21 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,547 {\an8}Now she's gone too far. 22 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,925 {\an8}Lisa, your father and I are very concerned 23 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,802 {\an8}about all this hinting. 24 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,345 {\an8}(groans) 25 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:55,805 {\an8}I've never had a pet of my very own. 26 00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:57,599 {\an8}My clock is ticking. 27 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:58,767 {\an8}I don't want to be one of those girls 28 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,019 {\an8}who waits till she's 16 to decide if she's ready, 29 00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:02,312 {\an8}and then it's too late. 30 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,396 {\an8}(both grunt) 31 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:04,773 {\an8}Well, we've talked about it. 32 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,649 {\an8}And if you really want a guinea pig, 33 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,443 {\an8}you'll have to sign this contract. 34 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:12,155 {\an8}"I, Lisa Simpson, hereby promise 35 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,574 {\an8}to take full responsibility for this dog, cat, other." 36 00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:15,742 {\an8}Circle "other." 37 00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,744 {\an8}"This includes feeding, bathing, 38 00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:19,454 {\an8}cleaning of droppings and barfings, 39 00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:23,291 {\an8}and when the time comes, burying or flushing." 40 00:01:23,374 --> 00:01:25,085 {\an8}Boilerplate, boilerplate, boilerplate. 41 00:01:25,168 --> 00:01:27,087 {\an8}We can skip all this litter box stuff. 42 00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:28,671 {\an8}"If pet becomes Internet superstar, 43 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,173 {\an8}all rights revert to father." 44 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:31,382 {\an8}Sign here, here, 45 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,967 {\an8}initial here, one more over here. 46 00:01:33,051 --> 00:01:34,260 {\an8}And done. 47 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,637 {\an8}Oh, my God! 48 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:36,888 {\an8}I'm getting a guinea pig! 49 00:01:36,971 --> 00:01:37,806 {\an8}Thank you, thank you, thank you, 50 00:01:37,889 --> 00:01:38,890 {\an8}thank you, thank you! 51 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,975 {\an8}The kid-parent contract. 52 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,644 {\an8}Unenforceable, yet you feel 53 00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:45,814 {\an8}like you didn't completely cave. 54 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,910 {\an8}You're doing the right thing adopting a rescue pig. 55 00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:00,870 {\an8}You know, most of these guys are rejects 56 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,957 {\an8}from the big guinea-pig mills in the Midwest. 57 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,209 {\an8}Oh, I can't tell you how many mill pigs 58 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:09,379 {\an8}we get in here who have bumblefoot or the slobbers. 59 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:11,798 {\an8}You don't have children, do you? 60 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,424 {\an8}This one whistled at me! 61 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,552 {\an8}Ooh, that could be the one. 62 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,721 {\an8}Oh, but that orange guy looks like a pumpkin. 63 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,224 {\an8}(gasps) But this fellow is so fuzzy! 64 00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:24,978 {\an8}Well, they all have their charms. 65 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:26,855 This one's nibbling a sunflower seed. 66 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,148 Look at that hair. 67 00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:30,024 Aw, I just want to comb it forever! 68 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,527 Have you seen a pinker nose? 69 00:02:32,610 --> 00:02:34,696 (gasps) I have now! 70 00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:37,323 Lisa, you've just got to choose one. 71 00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:38,491 Lisa? 72 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,869 She's gone, honey. She's gone. 73 00:02:40,952 --> 00:02:42,912 That one's fur looks like a tuxedo! 74 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:46,249 A Band-Aid on its tail, aw! 75 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:49,294 (gasps) Albino! 76 00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:50,920 I'm definitely getting this one. 77 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,422 Oh, but I forgot about this one. 78 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,632 Oh, my God, I never even saw this one! 79 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,552 (gasps) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh... 80 00:02:57,635 --> 00:03:00,180 Maybe I should get that sick one. 81 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:01,598 If I don't, no one else will. (gasps) 82 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:04,392 Bart, list your top five, best to worst. 83 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:06,144 No, no, no, no! Worst to best. 84 00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,147 I just wish the gray one had the brown one's personality. 85 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,440 Okay, Dad, give me your phone. 86 00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:11,608 I need to look at the pictures again. 87 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,401 Aw, aw, aw! 88 00:03:13,484 --> 00:03:15,904 Aw, aw! 89 00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:19,199 Okay, this is the guinea pig 90 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,075 that will make me happy. 91 00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:23,077 She thinks she's decided. 92 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:24,495 Don't say a thing. 93 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,914 Don't blow this. 94 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,042 Okay, now, you sure you only want just one? 95 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,920 They tend to do better in pairs. 96 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:34,672 (gasps) I could get two? 97 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:35,965 (engine revs, tires screech) 98 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,510 HOMER: Fighting Tweakers rule! 99 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,679 I've tried to give Pokey a perfect replica 100 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,598 of his natural habitat. 101 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:44,849 Peruvian feather grass, 102 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,017 an Incan sleeping mat, 103 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,061 and a portrait of Marisol Espinoza, 104 00:03:48,144 --> 00:03:49,854 the Vice President of Peru. 105 00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,690 Are you sure you didn't create a perfect habitat for you? 106 00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:54,484 I wish I could live in there. 107 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:55,818 Well, there's plenty of room 108 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,695 because Pokey's gone. 109 00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,697 (gasps) Where'd he go? 110 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,537 (squeaking) 111 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:08,206 This looks like a job for... 112 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:10,208 fireplace tongs. 113 00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,211 -(tongs clang) -(Pokey squeaks) 114 00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,379 No! 115 00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,259 (Pokey squeaking) 116 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,010 Oh, my God! 117 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,720 He's in the walls! 118 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,889 I hear chewing. 119 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:27,183 No, that's a much bigger animal. 120 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,643 (grunts) 121 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:29,852 Kettle corn. 122 00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:32,855 The heroin of the farmers' market. 123 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,607 I've lost my guinea pig! 124 00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,484 (squeaking, tapping nearby) 125 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:45,326 Pokey! 126 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,912 Our boat painting! 127 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,664 I'm sorry, Mom. 128 00:04:49,747 --> 00:04:50,748 (groans) 129 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,458 That's okay, sweetheart. 130 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,335 Your pig thingy didn't mean it. 131 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,796 It's just, it felt comforting to know 132 00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:58,298 that while we watched TV, 133 00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:01,092 there was art going on behind us. 134 00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:02,510 (moans) 135 00:05:02,593 --> 00:05:04,470 Oh, well, I guess we have to go 136 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,764 to an art gallery and buy a new painting. 137 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,975 Sure, we could go to a fancy gallery 138 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,769 and spend a bunch of money, or... 139 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:14,314 (humming) 140 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,607 Yeah, Milhouse played the violin for years 141 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,526 until it turned out the vibrations 142 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:20,236 were screwing up his bones. 143 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,739 Yeah, these seem great. (sniffs) 144 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:26,034 Oh, too bad someone used cello rosin. 145 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,202 (groaning in frustration) 146 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,204 (gasping in awe) 147 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:35,918 Oh, my gosh, that's beautiful! 148 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,796 I've never seen a painting with a lighthouse before. 149 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,298 (laughs) Oh, that. 150 00:05:40,381 --> 00:05:42,508 That was on the wall of Kirk's bachelor pad, 151 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,260 back when we were 152 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,803 (whispers) separated. 153 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:47,388 Yeah, it's a great piece. 154 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:48,723 I didn't have a mirror, 155 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:49,932 so I shaved in the reflection 156 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,559 of the chrome frame. 157 00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,644 This could be our new living room painting. 158 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:55,271 I don't know. 159 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,314 How about this poster 160 00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:58,066 of a really rocking jukebox? 161 00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,901 You know it's rocking 'cause music notes 162 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,194 are coming out of it. 163 00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:02,987 Painting's only 20 bucks. 164 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,448 Oh, please, Homie? 165 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,825 I'll throw in the tiny violins. 166 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,913 (Homer humming classical melody) 167 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:17,293 Oh, it looks great! 168 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,669 Well... 169 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:21,839 to me, it looks like... garbage salad. 170 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,509 But that's the great thing about art. 171 00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:28,012 Everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks. 172 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,014 I've got to get rid of this ugly chrome frame 173 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:31,933 from Kirk's bachelor bad. 174 00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,186 I hate to think of the things this mirror has reflected. 175 00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:37,730 Hmm! 176 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,232 Hey, look. 177 00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:41,692 There's a signature that the frame covered up. 178 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,862 "Johan Oldenveldt." 179 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:46,864 Here he is! 180 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,450 "Johan Oldenveldt, painter. 181 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:50,868 Lived in Amsterdam, Paris. 182 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,871 Prolific early 20th century naturalist." 183 00:06:53,955 --> 00:06:56,624 Ooh, I think this was painted by someone famous. 184 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,418 Maybe it's valuable. 185 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,336 We should have it appraised. 186 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,130 Pfft! You guys are crazy. 187 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:03,756 I never even heard of that guy. 188 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,299 It's not like it was painted 189 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,009 by Leonardo Da Vinci Code. 190 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,512 Now, here's what makes art valuable-- 191 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,014 One: nudity, two: holograms, 192 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,851 three: something terrible happening to Jesus. 193 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,689 Ah, yes, seascape, 194 00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:21,399 marvelous natural light, 195 00:07:21,482 --> 00:07:24,277 classic use of gouache. 196 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,445 You're right. 197 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,822 This is an early-career Oldenveldt. 198 00:07:27,905 --> 00:07:29,449 Quite valuable. 199 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,033 Oh, my God! 200 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,577 I expect it to go somewhere 201 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:35,288 between 80 to $100,000. 202 00:07:35,371 --> 00:07:36,622 (gasps) Nobody touch it! 203 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:37,999 Bart, stop looking at it! 204 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:39,250 But I want to see it! 205 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,960 No, you'll wear it out! 206 00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:43,880 Baby, you saw something in this painting, and you were right. 207 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:46,841 Wow, the Van Houtens owned this for years, 208 00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:49,552 and never knew how much it was worth. 209 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:51,053 Think how happy they'll be 210 00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:53,806 when we sell it and split the money with them. 211 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,641 Split it? Whoa! 212 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,226 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 213 00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,146 whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 214 00:08:00,229 --> 00:08:02,648 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 215 00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:03,816 whoa! 216 00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,234 (cell phone ringing) 217 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,987 HOMER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 218 00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,114 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 219 00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:12,450 Oh! 220 00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:19,081 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 221 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,875 Split it with them? 222 00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,835 Kirk and Luann didn't know what the painting 223 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,545 was worth when they sold it. 224 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:27,298 Yes, they sold it to us. 225 00:08:27,381 --> 00:08:29,467 So, now it's our painting. 226 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,010 We can hang it on our wall, 227 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,638 cut eyeholes in it to spy on people. 228 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,432 Or sell it for lots of money 229 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,934 which we keep. 230 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:39,060 For ourselves? 231 00:08:39,143 --> 00:08:41,145 This dude gets it. 232 00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:42,522 (groans) 233 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:45,191 But the Van Houtens are our friends. 234 00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:46,567 Are they, Marge? 235 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,735 If you think about it, 236 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:49,153 aren't they really just the parents 237 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,531 of a kid who happens to hang out with our kid? 238 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,075 All our friends are like that. 239 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:56,494 Well, how would you feel if we sold them something 240 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,746 that turned out to be valuable? 241 00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:01,040 I would feel A) Happy for their good fortune, 242 00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:02,625 B) Proud to know rich people, 243 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,253 and C) Grateful for an opportunity 244 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:06,921 to learn from a mistake. 245 00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:08,589 -(doorbell chimes) -MARGE: How about this? 246 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,633 What if we give the Van Houtens 247 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,677 25% of the money? 248 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,178 Then they'll just be mad 249 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,098 about the 65% that we're keeping. 250 00:09:17,181 --> 00:09:19,850 Marge, you like kindness, right? 251 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:20,935 Sure. 252 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,520 So, even if we gave 253 00:09:22,603 --> 00:09:24,939 Kirk and Luann some of the money, 254 00:09:25,022 --> 00:09:29,151 'the knowledge of what they could have had will eat away at them, 255 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:32,363 like piranhas devouring a wounded yeti. 256 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:35,283 It's kinder never to tell them. 257 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,076 Okay, I see your point. 258 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:39,245 We should sell the painting, keep all the money, 259 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:42,290 and never, ever tell the Van Houtens. 260 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,624 Mm-hmm! 261 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,626 (deep inhale) 262 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,628 (gasping) 263 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:49,130 (deep inhale) 264 00:09:49,213 --> 00:09:51,132 (Marge and Homer gasping) 265 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:52,883 What'll it take to buy your silence? 266 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:53,884 Hmm. 267 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,219 Okay, Milhouse, 268 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,638 the guys in back are shining up your new bike. 269 00:09:57,722 --> 00:09:59,557 And all I have to do is not say anything 270 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,143 about some painting to my mom and dad? 271 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:06,022 Oh, sweetie, you want your parents to be happy, don't you? 272 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,773 I guess. 273 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,984 (laughing) "I guess"! 274 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,360 You're funny! 275 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,404 No wonder Lisa's in love with you. 276 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:14,488 She is?! 277 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,157 She is?! 278 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,367 So, if I keep my mouth shut, 279 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,494 you get me new wheelie sneakers, 280 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:22,496 and Bart agrees to promote and encourage use 281 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:25,082 of my new cool nickname, "C.J." 282 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,084 (Homer grunts) 283 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:28,419 You got it, Ceej. 284 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:30,087 (doorbell rings) 285 00:10:31,255 --> 00:10:33,549 You found out that painting was worth big bucks, 286 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,176 and you weren't gonna tell us?! 287 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,720 I don't know what you're talking about. 288 00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:39,263 (loud whisper) Hide the treasure! 289 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:40,723 I'm sorry, Mr. S. 290 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:41,932 I cracked! 291 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,601 We had a deal. 292 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:45,603 And now we've got nothing! 293 00:10:45,686 --> 00:10:48,105 (blows) 294 00:10:50,524 --> 00:10:52,276 We considered you our friends. 295 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:53,653 We trusted you! 296 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,863 I let Homer use our master bathroom! 297 00:10:55,946 --> 00:10:57,782 Then you stab us in the back! 298 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:02,870 If you knew you sold a valuable painting for nothing, 299 00:11:02,953 --> 00:11:04,997 how could you live with yourselves? 300 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:07,458 We were just trying to be... kind. 301 00:11:07,541 --> 00:11:10,294 Kind?! You call it kind to give us nothing? 302 00:11:10,378 --> 00:11:11,629 We were gonna treat you 303 00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:13,172 to dinner at an upscale chain restaurant 304 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,883 and never explain why, but now forget it! 305 00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:17,468 Oh, so that's how it is! 306 00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:19,387 That's exactly how it is. 307 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:20,763 Oh, is it?! 308 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,723 Oh, it is! 309 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:25,893 (clears throat) Luann, I hope we're still on Thursday 310 00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:28,646 for collecting used cell phones for the troops. 311 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,731 I don't think you need any help. 312 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:33,150 You're so good at... collecting. 313 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,194 Oh! 314 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:39,115 Oh, that was cold, Luann! 315 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,908 So cold! 316 00:11:40,991 --> 00:11:42,576 Brr! 317 00:11:42,660 --> 00:11:45,329 Sarcastic brr! 318 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,998 See what happens when we get greedy? 319 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:50,501 Honey, there's something I want to show you. 320 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:51,919 An ATM receipt? 321 00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,504 I don't know whose this is. 322 00:11:53,587 --> 00:11:55,214 I found it next to the cash machine, 323 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,425 and I've always kept it. Look at the balance. 324 00:11:57,508 --> 00:11:59,593 Five figures! 325 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:02,930 With that painting, we could have what these people have: 326 00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:04,849 a money cushion. 327 00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:07,601 No more living paycheck to paycheck, 328 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:10,354 one lost retainer away from the gutter. 329 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,357 I could write a check with today's date on it. 330 00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,651 That's the cushion. 331 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:18,237 ♪ ♪ 332 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,739 {\an8}Tonight, a special report. 333 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:21,532 {\an8}Fat cat art experts take advantage 334 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,909 {\an8}of John and Jane Yard Sale. 335 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,370 {\an8}So, would you characterize your friend of many years 336 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,914 {\an8}cheating you out of your painting as no big deal, 337 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,541 {\an8}or a devastating betrayal? 338 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,918 {\an8}Oh, definitely betrayal, Kent. 339 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,044 {\an8}Interesting. 340 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:36,422 {\an8}So if you see the Simpsons walking down your street, 341 00:12:36,505 --> 00:12:39,341 {\an8}lock your doors and hide... your friendship. 342 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,260 Great! Now we're raccoons, 343 00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,888 the masked bandits of the animal world! 344 00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:46,849 Don't worry. No one's gonna see this stupid show. 345 00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:48,601 -(both gasp) -(tires squeal) 346 00:12:48,684 --> 00:12:49,852 (gasps) 347 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,437 (Marge reading) 348 00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:54,023 The whole town's turned against us! 349 00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,358 -(glass breaks) -(tires squeal) 350 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,945 (Homer reading) 351 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,989 Ooh, a support rock! 352 00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,992 This one's against us. This one's for us. 353 00:13:05,075 --> 00:13:08,120 For, for, against, for, against... 354 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,790 We don't even get this many Christmas cards. 355 00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:12,958 (all clamoring) 356 00:13:13,959 --> 00:13:15,044 (all gasp) 357 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:18,631 There they are, the Masterpiece Thievers! 358 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:20,090 Ah, shut your bone hole! 359 00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:22,051 That painting belongs to the Simpsons! 360 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:24,720 Sharing is what makes a community strong! 361 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,305 All sales are final! 362 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:27,598 -Keep it! -(clamoring) 363 00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,849 Finders keepers, moron! 364 00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:31,936 You really think we're still doing the right thing? 365 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:35,689 Just close your eyes and think of the cushion. 366 00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:42,780 First lot: "Untitled Landscape" by Johan Oldenveldt, 367 00:13:42,863 --> 00:13:45,533 from the Collection of Homer J. and Marge B. Simpson. 368 00:13:45,616 --> 00:13:48,577 Let's open the bidding at $80,000. 369 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:53,290 The paddles, Marge! Look at the paddles! 370 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,296 WOMAN: Stop the auction! 371 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,882 That painting belongs to me! 372 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,300 -(crowd gasps, murmurs) -Dawn? 373 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:06,178 Good to see you again, Beef Kirky. 374 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:07,888 Who is this woman? 375 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:12,977 Uhhhhhh... 376 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,603 While you two were separated, 377 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,772 Kirk and I used to be friends... 378 00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,566 with banana-fits. 379 00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:19,567 (Homer groans) 380 00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:21,485 You told me you didn't see anyone 381 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,820 during our separation. 382 00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:28,325 Uhhhhhh... 383 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,996 Madam, are you saying this painting belongs to you? 384 00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,622 Kirk stole it from me! 385 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,457 But I didn't know it was valuable 386 00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,376 till I saw the story on TV. 387 00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:39,336 What?! I bought that painting! 388 00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,546 She's lying! 389 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,506 -(gavel raps) -The auction is on hold 390 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,551 until we can determine the true ownership. 391 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,178 Our cushion! 392 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:50,806 Don't bother coming home, Kirk! 393 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,016 Aw! 394 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,268 -See what your greed has done? -Ow! 395 00:14:54,351 --> 00:14:56,645 Anybody want to give me a ride home? 396 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,980 Going once? 397 00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,523 Going twice? 398 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,442 -(bangs gavel) -Sold! To the lonely auctioneer! 399 00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:03,652 Ah! 400 00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:06,155 (cheering, laughter) 401 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,494 Thanks for taking me in, man. 402 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,664 I guess I can't help but feel fully responsible. 403 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:19,460 {\an8}Oh, Luann, I'll never gaze from my thick eyeglasses 404 00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:22,254 {\an8}into your thick eyeglasses ever again. 405 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:25,174 What you need, my friend, is a Canadian Duff. 406 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:26,842 Beauty, eh? 407 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:30,846 So... why does that chick think she owns the painting? 408 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,015 Oh, Dawn and I went on a vacation 409 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:35,976 to a resort island called Isla Verde. 410 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,270 I bought the painting in a café, 411 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,523 but that night she ran off with a parasailing instructor. 412 00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:43,233 Not your fault, man. 413 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:46,445 Those parasailing guys take whatever they want. 414 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:47,696 It was never her painting. 415 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,615 That woman will say anything 416 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,117 to keep herself in electric cigarettes. 417 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:54,995 And I'd go back to that Café Artiste to prove it, 418 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:58,457 but nothing's gonna get me Luann back. 419 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:02,461 (snoring) 420 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:05,339 Okay, all I gotta do is take a quick ferry to Isla Verde, 421 00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:08,842 find Café Artiste, and they'll back up Kirk's story. 422 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:12,388 That will prove the painting was his-- and now ours. 423 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:16,308 Oh, Homer Simpson, that painting has torn the town apart, 424 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:18,435 destroyed Kirk and Luann's marriage, 425 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,730 and everyone's very worried about Milhouse. 426 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,774 He's been playing Dancing Revolution for hours, 427 00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:25,567 but the TV is off. 428 00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,031 But our cushion! 429 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,701 That picture has brought out the worst in everyone! 430 00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:37,871 Please! Just let it go! 431 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,374 (grunting) 432 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:42,418 You're not gonna let it go, are you? 433 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,294 I wish I knew how. 434 00:16:46,463 --> 00:16:48,382 This is so exciting! 435 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:50,884 My first time establishing provenance! 436 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,511 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just remember, 437 00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:56,140 if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting. 438 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,642 That's a terrible thing for a father to do. 439 00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:00,644 That's why she'll believe it. 440 00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:04,440 Hmm, this quaint artist community 441 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:06,233 has gotten a little touristy. 442 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:08,318 ♪ ♪ 443 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:15,159 Excuse me. We're trying to find Café Artiste. 444 00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,036 Ah, yes. Top of the hill. 445 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,954 Three discos up, four gelatos on the left. 446 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,664 You can't miss it. 447 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:23,000 It's right between the disco and the gelato place. 448 00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,334 Mmm. Hmm. 449 00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,587 -Mm-mm! -(doorbell jingles) 450 00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,380 Mm... 451 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:30,174 Welcome to Café Artiste! 452 00:17:30,257 --> 00:17:32,051 Would you like a glass of Strupo? 453 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:34,094 It's a liqueur made of fermented capers, 454 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,013 the official drink of the island. 455 00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:38,098 Mmm! Sounds delicious. 456 00:17:38,182 --> 00:17:39,975 It's not. 457 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:43,187 Hey, a friend of mine, uh, bought a painting here. 458 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:45,272 Oh, yes, I remember that painting. 459 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,524 And that is the man I sold it to. 460 00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:50,360 And that man sold it to me! 461 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:51,987 That proves the painting is mine! 462 00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,615 And nothing can stop me from selling it 463 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,742 and keeping all the money! 464 00:17:56,825 --> 00:17:58,452 I love art! 465 00:17:58,535 --> 00:17:59,787 MAN: Art? 466 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,580 What do you know about art? 467 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:04,124 You don't even know who painted that picture. 468 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,794 Yes, we do. It's a Johan Oldenveldt. 469 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,213 Wrong! It's a me! 470 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,131 -A what? -I painted it! 471 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,674 Me, Klaus Ziegler! 472 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:13,884 Who? 473 00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,179 -Mm! -Oh! 474 00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:20,307 This is where I painted your so-called Oldenveldt. 475 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:21,225 Prove it. 476 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,104 Aw, crap! 477 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,064 You're a forger? 478 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:29,608 "Forger" is such a cruel word. 479 00:18:29,691 --> 00:18:31,360 I'm an art forger. 480 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,821 Your painting was an early, clumsy effort 481 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:37,366 which I gave to the café owner to pay off my Strupo tab. 482 00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:40,786 Whew! 483 00:18:40,869 --> 00:18:43,205 Then why did the auction house say it was real? 484 00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,624 I have fooled galleries around the world 485 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,793 with my loving imitations. 486 00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:50,337 Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! 487 00:18:50,420 --> 00:18:53,674 Ziegler! Ziegler! Ziegler! 488 00:18:53,757 --> 00:18:55,634 What you do is horrible... 489 00:18:55,717 --> 00:18:57,845 ripping off geniuses who spent years 490 00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:59,680 perfecting their styles. 491 00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,849 Perhaps you are the one who is horrible. 492 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,016 What?! 493 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,601 You only cared about that painting 494 00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:07,437 when you thought it was created by someone famous. 495 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:11,108 Well, no, but now when I look at it, 496 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:13,193 all I see is a fraud. 497 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:14,987 Beauty is beauty. 498 00:19:15,070 --> 00:19:18,782 My forgeries give pleasure to people all over the world. 499 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,743 The only real question to ask about art, 500 00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,036 whether it's in the Louvre 501 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:26,039 or on a freshman's wall at Cal State Fullerton, 502 00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:28,876 is, "Did it move you?" 503 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,669 But, you still, I mean... 504 00:19:30,752 --> 00:19:33,630 Oh, I suppose you're right. 505 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:35,382 What if I never liked the painting 506 00:19:35,465 --> 00:19:36,633 and only wanted it for money? 507 00:19:36,717 --> 00:19:38,510 Then you, I respect. 508 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:39,636 (groans) 509 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,471 Oh, great. The painting is worthless, 510 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:43,348 -(glass shatters) -this was all for nothing, 511 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,059 and when Marge finds out, she's gonna kill me. 512 00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,646 Well, on that front, perhaps I can be of assistance. 513 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,607 If there's one thing art is good for, 514 00:19:51,690 --> 00:19:55,903 it's to melt the frost which often hardens a woman's heart. 515 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,571 While you're at it... 516 00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,823 could you make me a couple more? 517 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,742 I'll pay you in Strupo. 518 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:13,587 (sighs) 519 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:15,005 Perfect. 520 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:17,216 Oh, now that's art. 521 00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,801 (grunts) Rocking. 522 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:34,775 ♪ ♪ 523 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,656 ZIEGLER: The Gray Troll, 524 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,659 Brine of Madness, Angel's Urine, 525 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:47,621 all names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo. 526 00:20:47,704 --> 00:20:50,249 {\an8}Though this fermented caper solution was originally used 527 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,584 {\an8}to dissolve seagull corpses, 528 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:55,212 {\an8}local alcoholics soon found Strupo 529 00:20:55,295 --> 00:20:57,547 {\an8}to be a palatable drink of last resort. 530 00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,383 {\an8}The noxious liqueur causes 531 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:01,426 {\an8}powerful olfactory hallucinations, 532 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,972 {\an8}gender confusion, and wandering mouth. 533 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:08,141 {\an8}So if you visit Isla Verde, 534 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:13,355 {\an8}be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo. 535 00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:16,483 {\an8}Strupo: lose everything. 536 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,167 -(crowd murmuring) -Shh! 537 00:21:37,921 --> 00:21:39,965 Subtitled by B. Everdene