1
00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,339
CHOIR:
♪ The Simpsons ♪
2
00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:09,259
D'oh!
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:10,510
(tires screeching)
4
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(grunts)
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,598
ANNOUNCER:
It's fourth and nine for the Simpsons.
6
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:19,436
Homer takes the snap,
looking for a receiver.
7
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:20,520
They're all covered.
8
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:22,772
He's gonna sneak it in!
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(crowd cheering)
10
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:28,194
Oh, man,
that is why he gets to control the remote.
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♪ ♪
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{\an8}(Simpsons eating)
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{\an8}Mmm.
Oh, this tile is loose.
14
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{\an8}I'll have to call a handy man.
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{\an8}Why'd you say it like that?
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{\an8}With a pause between the words.
Are you saying I'm not handy?
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{\an8}That's how you say it--
handy man.
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{\an8}It's handyman.
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{\an8}That's what I said--
handy... man.
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{\an8}(exclaims)
Marjorie,
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{\an8}there is the profession handyman,
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{\an8}and there are men who are handy.
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{\an8}Which are you saying I'm not?
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{\an8}Tell me.
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{\an8}A handy...
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{\an8}man.
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{\an8}-(exclaims)
-Face it, homeboy, you ain't handy.
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{\an8}Unless we need
a big fat paperweight.
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{\an8}I'll paperweight you!
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{\an8}-Oh! (groaning)
-(grunting)
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{\an8}(grumbles)
Homie, sweetie,
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{\an8}replacing a tile is something
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{\an8}you really need a professional for.
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{\an8}I know how to replace a tile.
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{\an8}All guys do.
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{\an8}We talk about it all the time.
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{\an8}Grout?
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{\an8}There's no stopping
what I've started here.
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{\an8}Here's your tile.
Have fun.
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{\an8}Handy... man.
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{\an8}Lisa, honey, do you have any idea
how to replace a floor...?
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{\an8}Here's a video tutorial
on replacing a tile.
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{\an8}I don't know if I need
a whole tutorial to teach me...
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{\an8}-You're tapping. You have to swipe.
-I'm-I'm swiping, I'm swiping.
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{\an8}Pretend you're swiping chocolate icing
off a cake.
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{\an8}-All right, how's that?
-Ah, see? There.
47
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{\an8}-There it is, yeah. Perfect.
-Oh, there really is icing on here.
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{\an8}All right, then.
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{\an8}Hi there.
If you're watching this video,
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{\an8}you've got a job that needs doing,
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{\an8}but you're too cheap to pay for it.
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{\an8}Man, this guy's inside my head.
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{\an8}Now, replacing a tile is a simple task.
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{\an8}As long as the substrate
beneath the tile isn't rotted.
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{\an8}If there is rot in your substrate,
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{\an8}we will now play loud music
so you can curse.
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{\an8}-(salsa music playing)
-(Homer shouting)
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{\an8}Stupid floor! Why...
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{\an8}Why was I born a homeowner?
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{\an8}-On your marks.
-On your marks.
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{\an8}-Get set.
-Get set.
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{\an8}-Twins!
-Twins!
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{\an8}Loser!
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{\an8}Oh, boy.
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{\an8}(Ralph giggling)
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{\an8}Oh. Why is everyone passing us?
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00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:41,494
You know how scared I am
of going on a slant.
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Oh.
(grunts)
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Ow!
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Latchkey kids rule!
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I can't die now.
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I actually did my homework.
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(grunts)
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(groans)
I'm sorry, ma'am.
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Come spring, I'll go get that for you.
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Dang good-for-nothin' cart.
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Always fighting to go left
when I wanted to go right.
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It was my only friend.
(crying)
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Now take your sponge,
wipe away the excess grout
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and you're done.
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Oh, my God,
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it looks like
what it's supposed to look like.
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I did man work!
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My hero.
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I'm happy to say I was wrong.
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I'll put Maggie down
and make you a snack.
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Something bacon-y.
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(whoops)
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A bacon apology sandwich.
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(meowing)
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What? No.
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No. No.
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-(meow)
-(scratching)
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00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,815
Oh, I sealed in the cat.
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00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,984
If it dies,
it'll stink up the whole house.
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Also, the kids like it.
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(meowing)
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Stupid genius cat.
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00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:03,910
She went from under the floor
to inside the wall.
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Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
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-(purring)
-MARGE: More repairs?
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-(screeches)
-Aah! Marge, I should tell you something.
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I knew it.
You're not a handy...
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00:04:12,418 --> 00:04:14,337
No. You did not know it.
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I was going to say I'm not
stopping with the tile.
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Oh, no.
Once you've been bitten
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by the repair bug,
you can't quit.
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How would you like hot water
in the bathtub again?
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(gasps) I'll go get the "H" knob
out of my jewelry box.
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Mmm.
Don't take long, handy man.
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Handyman.
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(giggles)
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(whispering)
Okay, cat, I'll get you out tomorrow,
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but here's dinner.
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Lasagna, which I know cats like.
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-(door opens)
-Oh!
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Nothing to see here.
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Just kneeling
in front of the electric outlet,
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appreciating Edison's miracle.
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Look, Hettie, you got two choices.
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Under the bed or in the closet.
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I suppose I will take
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the closet.
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Oh, my goodness.
This is like my heyday
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when I was livin' in that car.
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You know, you get enough
parking tickets on the front,
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they act like curtains.
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(sniffs)
Mmm.
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Hey, mornin', boss.
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Hey, what you take in your coffee?
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'Cause I got sugar
and I got something called
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"Not for individual sale."
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Listen. I don't think
you should get too comfortable here.
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00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,448
Okay, okay.
Thought you might say that,
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but, uh,
what if I make it amenable to you?
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If you hide me here,
I'll give you a dollar a day.
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Here's one week in advance.
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Yes, I'm a slumlord.
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DRAKE: ♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now the whole team here ♪
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00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:42,925
♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now the whole team here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now my whole team here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪
146
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,939
♪ Started from the bottom,
now my whole team here ♪
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♪ Started from
the bottom, now we're here ♪
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♪ Started from the bottom,
now we're here ♪
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00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:04,655
♪ I done kept it real from the jump ♪
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♪ Living at my mama house,
we'd argue every mornin' ♪
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♪ I was--
I was trying to get it on my own ♪
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♪ Working all night,
traffic on the way home ♪
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♪ And my uncle calling me
like "Where ya at? ♪
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♪ I gave you the keys,
told you bring it right back" ♪
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♪ I just--
I just think it's funny how it goes ♪
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♪ Now I'm on the road,
half a million for a show ♪
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♪ And we started from the... ♪
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Hmm.
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00:06:29,263 --> 00:06:31,349
Sorry, cat.
Had to go to work.
160
00:06:31,432 --> 00:06:33,518
Then there was a freeway chase
on the news.
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00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:35,061
Had to watch it till the end.
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00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:37,397
The guy got arrested in a cul-de-sac.
163
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,649
They never do
what I yell at them to do.
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00:06:39,732 --> 00:06:41,734
(meowing, scratching)
165
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:45,154
Oh, you're in the ceiling?
166
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,909
"Do not use top step"?
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00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:52,203
Stupid government,
trying to keep us down.
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00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:55,581
(grunting)
169
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,835
Where is Bart getting this money?
170
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:02,547
(exclaims) Lisa?
171
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,425
Just what do you think you're up to?
172
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,676
Mm...
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00:07:06,759 --> 00:07:08,845
Come on.
You can tell Dr. Tuna.
174
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,097
Okay, I admit it.
I think Bart's up to something funny,
175
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:13,099
so I'm snooping in his room.
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00:07:13,182 --> 00:07:15,601
No snooping.
You know what they say about curiosity.
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00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:17,603
-It killed the cat?
-The cat's fine!
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Stop asking about the cat!
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00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:23,526
MAN:
Lose a Kewpie doll in front of your gal.
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00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:26,028
(tuning guitar)
181
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{\an8}-Hey, boss.
-(clears throat)
182
00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,450
{\an8}We have a situation here.
183
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,869
{\an8}You owe me
three weeks' back rent.
184
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:34,245
{\an8}Aha!
185
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,289
Bart Simpson, you are cruelly exploiting
186
00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,708
a poor, unfortunate woman.
187
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:41,961
So, you're gonna tell Mom
and she's gonna kick Hettie out.
188
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:43,546
Girlie, ain't you got a heart?
189
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,381
Nope. All brain, no heart.
190
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:49,218
Yeah. She looks
like a little bitty railroad bull.
191
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,761
Now I got to sing for my supper.
192
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,889
I wrote this one a few days ago.
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00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,475
This is a song about loss.
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♪ It was a cart ♪
195
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:04,734
♪ Meant for shopping ♪
196
00:08:04,817 --> 00:08:08,029
♪ It came to mean ♪
197
00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:11,741
♪ Much more to me ♪
198
00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:15,912
♪ It held the pan ♪
199
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,874
♪ I cook my slop in ♪
200
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:26,964
♪ And my old PlayStation 3 ♪
201
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:30,426
♪ It was my home ♪
202
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:34,430
♪ And my place of worship ♪
203
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,184
♪ It was my home ♪
204
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:42,480
{\an8}♪ And it was kinda my car ♪
205
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:49,529
{\an8}♪ Now you're just rolling underwater ♪
206
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:54,116
♪ While Safeway wonders ♪
207
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,037
♪ Where you are ♪
208
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:03,918
Whoa!
My roommate is talented!
209
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,131
If I know my Smithsonian Folkways,
210
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,384
that was an Appalachian folk song.
211
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,386
Well, I'm from Lickskillet, Kentucky,
212
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:15,304
just shy of the Appalachia Trail.
213
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,724
Really? Oh, I love, love, love
indigenous mountain music.
214
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:21,561
-(chuckles)
-Well, isn't that fascinatin'?
215
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,480
I'm glad you liked the song.
216
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,233
Yes.
I liked it very, very, very m...
217
00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:29,402
Oh! You want money.
218
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,904
I'm sorry. I don't have any.
(chuckles)
219
00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:34,323
I'm also a musician.
220
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,034
(chuckles)
But you can stay in our house.
221
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,704
Ha-ha! It's a deal!
Back in the boy's closet.
222
00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,205
No, Hettie.
You're a human being.
223
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,291
You can sleep in my closet.
224
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,418
Hmm. Well, la-di-da.
225
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,877
How much you charge?
226
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,213
Nothing.
Maybe we can talk a little music.
227
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:51,716
Ugh.
Boy, what's your price again?
228
00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:54,218
Okay, we'll only talk about it
if you want to!
229
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,469
But it would be an honor.
230
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,721
Okay, let's go.
231
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,180
Oh, you've hurt yourself.
232
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,724
Uh, nope, that's syrup.
233
00:09:59,807 --> 00:10:01,350
Oh, let me find you a Wet-Nap.
234
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,060
I just woke up from a wet nap.
235
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,146
Okay. Conversation's over.
236
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,897
LISA: Check, one, two.
237
00:10:06,981 --> 00:10:08,983
All right...
No, no, no, leave the windows open.
238
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:11,319
I like crickets and night breeze
in my music.
239
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:14,030
They do go well together.
Have you always been musical?
240
00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:17,033
You know, first sound I ever
heard was my daddy fiddlin'.
241
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,577
His name was Bascom Lee Boggs.
242
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,370
(gasps)
Bascom Lee Boggs?!
243
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,873
He played with
some seminal Appalachian bands,
244
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:25,708
like Snug and the Cousin Huggers,
245
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,752
Lead Paint Larry and the Drooly Boys,
246
00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:30,212
Howlin' Sue and Her Vestigial Organ,
247
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,340
and Bloody Mary
and the Coalmine Canaries.
248
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,508
(inhales)
Did your daddy teach you to fiddle?
249
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,509
No.
250
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,762
He was gonna start me out
on the cigar box "banjer,"
251
00:10:37,845 --> 00:10:40,848
but, uh, 'fore he could,
he-he lost his sight.
252
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:42,391
Oh, no. I'm sorry.
253
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,602
Yeah, he got shot in the face.
254
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:45,519
(gasps)
255
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,396
You know them puzzles
where you slide the tiles?
256
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,106
He looks a little like that now.
257
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,942
My mother was an amazing
"banjer" player. Mmm.
258
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:55,529
-Unfortunately, she did also go blind.
-Really?
259
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,990
Yeah, it was winter
and she was runnin' a fever
260
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:00,785
and, um, then she got shot
in the face.
261
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,996
Oh, wow.
Hettie, you've had such a sad life.
262
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,248
But you know what?
That's gonna turn around
263
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,793
when I show the world
what it's missing in you.
264
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:11,629
Well, I don't know
if the world's gonna get me,
265
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:14,256
but, child, it sure feels
good to know that you do.
266
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:15,716
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
267
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,009
You're having a moment
with someone
268
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,761
who has so few moments.
269
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,805
This will never be forgotten.
270
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:25,476
Oh, baby girl, I feel like
I'm back home in poorest Appalachia.
271
00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:27,144
Thank you.
272
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,148
Okay. And three, two, one...
273
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:32,608
(playing guitar)
274
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:37,613
♪ Oh, Barnes & Noble ♪
275
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:42,326
♪ Oh, I am sorry to see ♪
276
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,994
♪ That your store ♪
277
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:48,582
♪ Has been shuttered ♪
278
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:53,295
♪ I miss your bathroom policy ♪
279
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:58,676
♪ I would sleep in your stalls ♪
280
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:03,305
♪ For many a long day... ♪
281
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,015
It's lovely, but I want you to know
282
00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,893
I've-I've truly come to hate music.
283
00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,520
That is so sad.
284
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:11,981
I wanted to arrange a concert
in Springfield Park.
285
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,734
We needed the school's lights
and sound system.
286
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:18,320
Lights? Sweetie, you don't know
a Fresnel from a gobo.
287
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,740
Well, I think you'll help me
every way you can.
288
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,366
And why, pray tell, is that?
289
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:24,827
Because deep down,
there's still a part of you
290
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,371
that remembers music can be magical.
291
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,039
(chuckles)
You're right.
292
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,167
I can't bear to kill your passion.
293
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,502
It will live at least until third grade,
294
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,088
when you get Mrs. Ortner.
295
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:38,591
So, I got back together with Jeff.
296
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:41,343
Then, of course, I realized
there was a reason we broke up.
297
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:42,887
(playing tuba)
298
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:46,015
That sounds awful,
and you look stupid doing it.
299
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:49,226
(guitar playing)
300
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,947
(grumbling)
301
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,577
(knocking)
302
00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,913
Hettie, Hettie,
I have a surprise for you!
303
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:12,082
(gasps)
Oh, well, barbecue my bedbugs.
304
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,084
That is glorious.
305
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,379
(chuckles)
To pay for it, I sold my Malibu Stacys.
306
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,925
Which, from a feminist perspective,
was long overdue.
307
00:13:21,008 --> 00:13:24,428
But I have a Ken
that I'm transitioning to a Stacy.
308
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,888
Try it on, try it on, try it on!
309
00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:28,015
I heard you the second time!
310
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,602
Mmm, mmm.
Why, thank you, Your Majesty,
311
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,521
I will have another cup of soda.
312
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,981
-Lis, Lis, Lis.
-(grunting) What?!
313
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:38,400
I've seen you like this before,
and it ends badly.
314
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,069
She is gonna break your heart.
315
00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,071
And your heart's as tough
as a soap bubble.
316
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:44,615
Remember how upset you got
over that dead plant?
317
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:47,243
Oh. It's the seven-month
anniversary of that.
318
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:48,744
(crying)
319
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,412
Oh, geez, here we go again.
320
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,832
Ugh. You know what, Bart?
Just get out!
321
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,251
And get Dad's keys
and drive us to the radio station.
322
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,253
And then get out!
Wait until we're done.
323
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,381
Then drive us back.
Then get out!
324
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,424
(hammering, sawing)
325
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:03,968
-(crash)
-HOMER: Damn it!
326
00:14:04,051 --> 00:14:05,970
-(knocking)
-(footsteps approaching)
327
00:14:06,053 --> 00:14:07,805
Hey.
328
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,099
Hello, Homer.
I need to do the laundry.
329
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,893
-Uh, uh, I'll do it!
-Oh.
330
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,771
HOMER: You idiot.
Now we'll always have to do the laundry!
331
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,439
(laughs)
332
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,775
I'll do it wrong
so she'll never ask again.
333
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,944
Homer, you're a genius!
334
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,654
Thanks, brain!
335
00:14:23,737 --> 00:14:25,948
Oh, I'm not your brain.
I'm a blood clot.
336
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,035
Okay. I'm goin' in.
337
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,538
Thank God I never put in
that insulation.
338
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,417
(grunting)
339
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,170
Whoo-hoo!
340
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,965
I glide silently through the wall.
341
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:46,802
Silently, ever silently.
342
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,929
(Snowball II mewing)
343
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,347
(grunting)
344
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,474
Aah! Ooh, rogue nails! Oh.
345
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,018
-(hissing)
-Hot pipe!
346
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:55,019
-(panting)
-(meowing)
347
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:56,020
(purring)
348
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,396
Gah. It's... Oh!
349
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,523
Rough tongue! Aah!
350
00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,320
Oh, that's just...
351
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,821
(Santa's Little Helper howling)
352
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,281
Aw, crap.
353
00:15:07,364 --> 00:15:09,283
(barking)
354
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:12,369
Sure am glad we don't have a horse.
355
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,871
{\an8}♪ ♪
356
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:16,165
Welcome back to Mountain Trax.
357
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:19,418
I'm here today with the one and only
Miss Hettie Mae Boggs,
358
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,879
the baby of the Boggs Family.
359
00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:25,007
(laughing)
Well, I'm a little big for a baby.
360
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:27,468
Although my mother did have a 21-pounder.
361
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,345
Charming.
Does anyone on this station talk
362
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,096
like they're not at a funeral?
363
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,098
No. I'm afraid we all do.
364
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,434
So, Hettie,
you're doing a concert tonight.
365
00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:36,769
Yes, she is.
366
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,562
Could you tell our listeners
why you didn't perform
367
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,397
with your older brothers and sisters?
368
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:42,232
I mean, they would ask me to.
They would...
369
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,692
They'd say,
"Hettie, come over here,
370
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,945
pick up a banjo
and play a song with us."
371
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,363
And, um, I don't know.
372
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,865
I'd say, "No, I'm happy
just to sit down by the creek
373
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,076
and do my heroin."
You know?
374
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,410
Wait. What?
375
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:55,371
Is it also true you've been discovered by,
376
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,872
and then turned your back on,
377
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,083
well-meaning supporters
time and time again?
378
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,210
Uh, yes, yeah,
that is a pattern I adhere to,
379
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,629
and do you have any OxyContin?
380
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:06,298
Now, if you got some, you don't
have to say yes. You just got to blink.
381
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:07,967
Maybe we should take a break.
382
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,052
For the record, I'm not blinking.
383
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,805
He's holding.
He just won't share.
384
00:16:12,888 --> 00:16:15,307
No, no, Hettie,
please tell me that you're rehabilitated.
385
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,476
Please tell me
that you're talking about heroin
386
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,895
so that no one else
will follow in your footsteps.
387
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,731
Please reassure me
because I am frightened.
388
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,067
Oh, baby girl,
I wouldn't let you down.
389
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,444
You and me--
we get each other, yeah?
390
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:28,904
But if I don't get something sweet,
391
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,281
-I might shoot someone in the face.
-(gasps)
392
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:34,994
Are you saying that you shot
your parents in the face?
393
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,036
I don't know.
394
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,663
That's not really
the kind of thing you remember.
395
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,081
You know what I mean?
396
00:16:39,164 --> 00:16:40,833
All right, I'm gonna go now. Bye.
397
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:43,502
Lis, if she shoots your face off tomorrow,
398
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:46,130
just remember this is what it looks like.
399
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:50,634
(high-pitched squeak)
400
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:52,594
She is not going to let me down!
401
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,138
She is not!
402
00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:55,597
I am saving her.
403
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,182
Okay, you've convinced me.
404
00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,059
You're out of your mind.
405
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:01,270
So, how'd it go
at the co-ed kickball championship?
406
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,271
All a lie!
407
00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,857
Lisa's been hiding a dangerous
heroin addict in her closet!
408
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,484
(gasps)
You were hiding her in your closet, too!
409
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,945
I was renting week-to-week!
410
00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,285
(grumbling)
Homer, do you know what
411
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:18,203
was going on in our house?
412
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,539
Why are you asking meow--
I mean, me now?
413
00:17:20,622 --> 00:17:22,207
Homer, I know about the cat.
414
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,334
I also know about the dog.
He's fine.
415
00:17:24,418 --> 00:17:26,045
-(whistles)
-(panting)
416
00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:28,630
-I've been taking care of everything.
-You knew?
417
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467
It was pretty sexy
pretending you were toolsy.
418
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:34,887
But Lisa let a strange
Kentucky lady live in our house
419
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:36,889
without our permission.
420
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:39,808
Well, now I don't know where she is,
and I believed in her,
421
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,311
and we have a concert in 30 minutes.
422
00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:43,854
Oh, honey, we'll find her.
423
00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:45,814
You entertain the audience
till we get there.
424
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,400
Okay, I'll play my sax!
425
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,903
Well, that'll turn a disappointed crowd
into a lynch mob.
426
00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,321
Shut up.
427
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:54,239
Okay,
if you want to find this woman,
428
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:57,409
and I recommend you don't,
here's a little clue.
429
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,746
Hettie usually smells like radiator booze.
430
00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:02,164
To Cletus country!
431
00:18:02,247 --> 00:18:03,582
♪ ♪
432
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:06,001
Hettie, we need to get you up,
433
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,254
run you through a car wash,
and get you to that concert.
434
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,964
(slurred)
You hush up now!
435
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:13,467
Fortunately for you,
I'm fluent in drunk.
436
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,010
(slurring)
Now, come on, get up.
437
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,428
(speaking gibberish)
438
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,846
You're gonna get up and...
439
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,015
(both speaking gibberish)
440
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,433
And backtalk.
441
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,728
(both speaking gibberish)
442
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:26,772
Nobody tell me what to do.
443
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:29,900
Not you, not the po-lice.
444
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,819
Not even the police.
445
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,363
Cletus,
why did you give her a shotgun?
446
00:18:34,446 --> 00:18:37,908
Hey, I do not give anyone firearms.
447
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:41,245
Now, she must've taken that
out the umbrella stand.
448
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,914
Oh, your little girl's been so good to me.
449
00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,083
I can't shoot you in the face.
450
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,835
I'll just make you deaf for a week.
451
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,753
Oh! I have church tomorrow.
452
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,255
Can you do the other?
453
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:52,673
Thank you!
454
00:18:52,756 --> 00:18:54,925
(playing lively jazz)
455
00:18:55,008 --> 00:18:58,512
Give it up!
She isn't coming!
456
00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:01,265
(song ends)
457
00:19:01,348 --> 00:19:05,144
You've just made
a very powerful enemy-- NPR.
458
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:08,939
Our revenge is made possible
by listeners like you.
459
00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:15,654
Hello, Springfield!
460
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:19,950
They're gone, and I am never,
ever gonna forgive you.
461
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:28,458
♪ As I went down in the river to pray ♪
462
00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:32,796
♪ Slipped in the mud and lost my way ♪
463
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:37,134
♪ Found a bag of chips and half a Twix ♪
464
00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:42,472
♪ Thank you, Lord, for this day ♪
465
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:47,102
♪ Oh, honey, I've been down ♪
466
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:52,149
♪ Bread bag shoes
and a Burger King crown ♪
467
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:56,570
♪ Oh, honey, I've been down ♪
468
00:19:56,653 --> 00:20:02,075
♪ And down is where
I think I'm gonna stay ♪
469
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,619
(crying)
470
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:07,623
Ugh. Okay, you can sleep it off
on our couch.
471
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,791
Well, thank you, sweetheart.
472
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,710
Hey, what time you do your couch gags?
473
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,588
Around 11:00 in the morning.
You'll be fine.
474
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,894
{\an8}(to "Big Rock Candy Mountain")
♪ In the house next door to Flanders ♪
475
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:32,481
{\an8}♪ There's a devil boy named Bart ♪
476
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:35,359
{\an8}♪ Fatso's lost his catso ♪
477
00:20:35,442 --> 00:20:38,528
{\an8}♪ And the girl has a great big heart ♪
478
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:42,032
{\an8}♪ The curtains all have corncobs ♪
479
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:45,202
{\an8}♪ There's a sailboat on the wall ♪
480
00:20:45,285 --> 00:20:48,330
{\an8}♪ There's a Selma and a Patty
and a Grampa who is batty ♪
481
00:20:48,413 --> 00:20:51,959
{\an8}♪ Apu and a Squishy,
the three-eyed fishie ♪
482
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,544
{\an8}♪ And they ain't aware
that I took the silverware ♪
483
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:57,965
{\an8}♪ From the house
next door to Flanders... ♪
484
00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,720
{\an8}Okay, everyone into the tunnel.
485
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:07,057
{\an8}♪ In the house
next door to Flanders ♪
486
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:09,726
{\an8}♪ Mom's hairdo scrapes the sky ♪
487
00:21:09,810 --> 00:21:13,981
{\an8}♪ The baby don't say nothin' ♪
488
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:18,527
{\an8}♪ And no one wonders why... ♪
489
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:22,030
{\an8}Oh, this place is dirtier than the tunnel.
490
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,199
-(crowd murmuring)
-Shh!
491
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,997
Subtitled by M. Tan