1
00:00:02,877 --> 00:00:06,214
{\an8}-CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪
-(men scream)
2
00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299
{\an8}(theme music playing)
3
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,678
(exclaims)
4
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(school bell ringing)
5
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(grunts) Hey!
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(theme music stops)
7
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(theme music resumes)
8
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-(whistle blows)
-(yells)
9
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,072
-(choking)
-(theme music stops)
10
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-(thuds)
-(theme music resumes)
11
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(playing the blues)
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-(blows wrong note, grunts)
-(theme music stops)
13
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-(theme music resumes)
-(tires screech)
14
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(Marge screams)
15
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(chicken clucking)
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(theme music stops)
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♪ ♪
18
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,650
Hello? Hello?
19
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:13,239
Oh, finally, I get the remote.
20
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♪ ♪
21
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{\an8}Hmm. Hmm?
22
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{\an8}Homer, are you ever planning
on putting this stuff together?
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{\an8}Sure, right after I watch this DVD.
24
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{\an8}(clicks tongue, groans)
Just what are you watching
25
00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,675
{\an8}that's so important?
26
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{\an8}Outstanding College Mascot Fights?
27
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{\an8}S.E.C. edition.
28
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{\an8}(marching band music plays)
29
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{\an8}(blows landing)
30
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{\an8}The top-heavy mascots always lose.
31
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{\an8}Unless they're fighting
something with no arms.
32
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{\an8}See? The Stanford Tree
33
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{\an8}is no match for the Tulane Green Wave.
34
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{\an8}(gasps) There's people inside.
35
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{\an8}Marge, do you see?
36
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,614
{\an8}(gasps) Maggie!
37
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{\an8}That's it, mister.
38
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{\an8}You're putting everything together today.
39
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{\an8}Marjorie, isn't it a little sexist
40
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{\an8}to expect me to do all the carpentry?
41
00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:06,000
{\an8}Or you can take Bart to the mall
to get fitted for...
42
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,336
{\an8}-(power drill running)
-Sorry, the drill is too loud!
43
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:10,380
{\an8}I can't hear the options!
44
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{\an8}D'oh.
45
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{\an8}(grunting softly)
46
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:18,304
{\an8}(phonetically)
"Vous avez 'termine'"?
47
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,931
{\an8}"Vous avez 'termine'"?
48
00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:21,141
{\an8}"Du ar klar"?
49
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:22,851
{\an8}"Du bist fertig"?
50
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,353
{\an8}"You are 'fini-shed'"?
51
00:02:25,436 --> 00:02:27,772
{\an8}Oh, I am finished! Whoo-hoo!
52
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{\an8}(grunting)
53
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:31,776
{\an8}D'oh! I'm trapped.
54
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{\an8}(worried grunting)
55
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{\an8}(high-pitched)
Here, boy. Come here.
56
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,699
{\an8}Who's a good Allen wrench?
57
00:02:37,782 --> 00:02:39,367
{\an8}You's a good Allen wrench.
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{\an8}Come here. (sucking in)
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{\an8}Come on.
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{\an8}(choking)
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{\an8}(loud cough) Huh?
62
00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:51,004
{\an8}That isn't the same
Allen wrench I swallowed.
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{\an8}(grunting angrily)
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{\an8}(line rings)
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{\an8}Hey, Barney, how's it going?
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{\an8}Fine. How are you?
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{\an8}I need help.
Can you come right over?
68
00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,435
{\an8}Homer, you should use
the Choremonkey app.
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{\an8}People do all your chores,
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{\an8}so you're free to follow your dreams.
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{\an8}My dream right now
is beer and toilet paper.
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{\an8}Mr. Gumble, because I'm a decent person,
73
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{\an8}this is the last beer
I'm going to bring you.
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{\an8}I'll just use Uburp.
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{\an8}(belch sound)
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{\an8}(Snowball yowling)
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{\an8}Stop eating me, I'm not dead yet!
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{\an8}(Snowball yowling loudly)
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{\an8}Choremonkey to the rescue.
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{\an8}Oh! Oh, thank you.
81
00:03:33,504 --> 00:03:37,008
{\an8}I think this is the beginning
of an unhealthy dependence.
82
00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:38,051
{\an8}Aw.
83
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{\an8}(Steely Dan's "Dirty Work" playing)
84
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HOMER:
♪ I'm a fool to do my dirty work ♪
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♪ Oh, yeah ♪
86
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♪ I can hire all these nerdy jerks ♪
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♪ For free ♪
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♪ ♪
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(music fades out)
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♪ I ain't gonna do my dirty work ♪
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♪ No more ♪
92
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♪ Gonna leave my socks and dirty shirt ♪
93
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,539
♪ On the floor ♪
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Homie, I don't like that the house
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00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:12,961
is full of strangers all the time.
96
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,128
And I-- wait, wait.
97
00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:15,713
Why are you taking out your phone?
98
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:19,008
(gasps)
No. Don't you Choremonkey me!
99
00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,803
Sweetie, you know
I'm no good at arguments,
100
00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,554
so I brought in a professional.
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00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:24,973
Hello, ma'am, my name's Blake,
102
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:27,475
and I'm a retired
FBI hostage negotiator.
103
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I wouldn't say this is
a hostage situation.
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Mm, no one said it was, ma'am.
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I'm just here to listen.
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So that was step one-- listening.
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Next, empathy.
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I'm standing right here, you know.
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Mm, it must be frustrating
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for you to hear me talk
like you're invisible.
111
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It is. It is.
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Step three-- I build a rapport.
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You know,
I love the color scheme in your home.
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I feel like you're saying that
just to build a rapport with me.
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Wow, that's very observant.
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Very wise.
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Oh, well, thank you.
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-(softly) Nice.
-This ain't my first rodeo.
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Marge, right now I bet you wish
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you were just back home
in your kitchen.
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I am back home in my kitchen!
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Then life is good. Am I right?
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Mm-hmm. You are.
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While I'm here,
could I also fix your icemaker?
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Yes. Oh, yes.
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Blake, I adore you.
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Shh. It's over now. Go get some rest.
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Hmm.
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Homer, can we throw the ball around?
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Oh, um...
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By "we," I mean me and your chore monkey.
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(chuckling)
Oh, of course! Sure, buddy.
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For you I'll get one
without a criminal record.
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Which means I'll have
to use Choremonkey Gold.
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(cash register dings)
136
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,422
Good one, Bart. (grunts)
137
00:05:39,505 --> 00:05:42,216
Wait, are you Heisman
Trophy-winner Matt Leinart?
138
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,426
Yep, I am.
139
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:44,886
And you need this job?
140
00:05:44,969 --> 00:05:46,929
Yeah, I haven't really been
141
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,265
smart with my money after football.
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(air hisses)
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00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,186
But what about your broadcasting work?
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Uh, sunk it all into
my Thai-Irish fusion restaurant,
145
00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:57,982
Shamrock Spice.
146
00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:02,320
(backup sensor beeping)
147
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:05,239
On the plus side, he taught me
how to throw a perfect spiral.
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-(grunts)
-Yes!
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00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:08,284
Frozen rope, kiddo!
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00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,286
Aw, love you, man.
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Ah, I love you.
152
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Maybe I should play
a little catch with my son now.
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00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,126
Whatever, Hoss, let's see what you got.
154
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,294
(grunts)
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00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,089
-FLANDERS: My zinnias!
-(scoffs) Annuals.
156
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,673
Wait, please, just let me try again.
157
00:06:22,757 --> 00:06:24,300
{\an8}(groans, coughs)
158
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,969
{\an8}Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of Matt Leinart.
159
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:29,972
-But...
-Wow. You made that for me?
160
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,809
No, it used to be O.J.'s.
Yeah, Little Juice.
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00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,936
(groans)
Oh, stupid Choremonkey.
162
00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,730
Another thing I overdo
bites me in the butt.
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00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,732
(Leinart and Bart grunting)
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00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:42,860
(Homer moaning and whining)
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00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,237
HOMER: Uh-oh.
166
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,905
You're late.
167
00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:47,865
There's no specified time, sir.
168
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,992
And you did receive progress alerts.
169
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,245
Whatever, fine.
Just throw the damn ball.
170
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:56,040
-So, how was your day?
-Pretty good.
171
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:59,419
I've thrown various balls with
six different middle-aged men.
172
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,462
All right, stop talking,
you're ruining it.
173
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:03,256
-(grunts)
-Nice pass, sir.
174
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:04,674
For someone your age.
175
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:06,300
Ju-- This isn't fun at all.
176
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,510
-I'm done.
-Fine.
177
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,221
You know the monkeys
also rate the customers.
178
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:13,558
Now everyone will know
what kind of man you are.
179
00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,143
Good-bye, Tyler.
180
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:16,602
Jerk.
181
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:19,480
"Jerk." Bart used to call me that.
182
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,107
(sobs)
183
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,779
Be careful, Dad.
184
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:29,240
Being careful is not going to get us on
185
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:31,117
America's Funniest Home Videos.
186
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,203
Now, when I nod,
you pull the bottom brick out
187
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:35,997
and the wall falls on me.
188
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,082
Then call Vin Di Bona Productions,
189
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,375
then an ambulance.
190
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,919
Wait.
Won't they know this video is fake?
191
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,338
Why would I be filming you making a wall?
192
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,257
Why didn't you bring these things up
193
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:47,592
at the production meeting?
194
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,010
Well, it's too late now!
195
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,761
Oh, great!
196
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,848
Dad, can I get you
one of my children's Xanax?
197
00:07:53,931 --> 00:07:57,226
What I need is that $10,000 prize.
198
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,354
Not $5,000.
I already spent that on bricks.
199
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,689
Now pull that rope.
200
00:08:01,772 --> 00:08:04,233
If I pull the rope and it kills you,
201
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,068
I'll need a lot of therapy.
202
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,279
I'm not gonna die, son.
203
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:11,073
Uh, but if I do, can you play
"Nobody Does It Better"
204
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,075
at my funeral on the recorder?
205
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,911
I can't be a part of this.
206
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,455
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
207
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:20,208
{\an8}-Luann, help!
-I'm in a hurry.
208
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:24,128
{\an8}Well, at least I got it on video.
209
00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:25,171
{\an8}Delete.
210
00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,590
{\an8}(groans) Ah, come on.
211
00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,467
{\an8}NELSON: Haw-haw!
212
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:31,802
(knocking on door)
213
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,348
Dad, it's me.
214
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,935
What are you doing here?
It's not pudding day.
215
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:42,271
(sighs) My son doesn't want
to be with me anymore.
216
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:45,358
So you realize that's how you've
treated me all these years
217
00:08:45,441 --> 00:08:47,527
and you've come to apologize.
218
00:08:47,610 --> 00:08:49,362
Look, Dad, I would visit more
219
00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:51,822
if I hadn't put you in
such a depressing place.
220
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:54,742
Whatever.
I've got a real problem here.
221
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,744
I'm gonna be a father again!
222
00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,704
My girlfriend's pregnant.
223
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,706
(gasps) That's insane!
224
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,626
I leave you alone for six months
and this is what happens?
225
00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:05,211
How did you even meet her?
226
00:09:05,294 --> 00:09:07,672
Oh, this home just got the Internet
227
00:09:07,755 --> 00:09:10,049
and everyone's using senior dating sites.
228
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:13,469
Gray Date,
Friends with Social Security Benefits.
229
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,681
Everyone's making whoopee
and hanky-panky.
230
00:09:16,764 --> 00:09:18,057
A few are even having sex.
231
00:09:18,140 --> 00:09:19,100
(whines)
232
00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:21,435
You can't leave me.
233
00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:23,896
We started a puzzle together.
234
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,815
My heart's bleeding.
235
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:29,735
Seriously. Please call 9-1-1.
236
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:36,701
Abraham Simpson.
Are you skipping town on me?
237
00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,161
No, no. I like you.
238
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,080
It's the baby I'm skipping town on.
239
00:09:41,163 --> 00:09:42,665
You don't want our baby?
240
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,127
Before you judge me,
look where my DNA leads.
241
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,255
I'm fine. (grunts)
242
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:50,464
Hmm.
243
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,049
I think he's sweet.
244
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,968
Would he like to play with my keys?
245
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:56,971
I am a normal person, and yes.
246
00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:58,723
All right, I'll man up.
247
00:09:58,806 --> 00:10:00,766
But remember, men of my generation
248
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,227
don't change a diaper, attend a birth,
249
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:06,230
or talk to the child before he's drafted.
250
00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:08,482
I couldn't ask for more.
251
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,817
(rattling)
252
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:13,321
I thought you just rolled.
253
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,072
-Those were my knees.
-(rattling)
254
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,407
Rent six dollars?!
255
00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,993
You can't even buy
a Monopoly set for that.
256
00:10:19,076 --> 00:10:21,203
(chuckles)
Great commentary, Bart.
257
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,456
-Love you, man.
-I love you.
258
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,375
-Hi, I'm Matt.
-Milhouse.
259
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,960
I'm Bart's best friend.
260
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,880
Aw, sounds like someone
wants an autograph.
261
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:33,549
I do. Who are you?
262
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,010
I misspelled my name.
But that makes it worth more.
263
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,054
Come on, Leinart,
get your head in the game.
264
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,889
Bart, I got a straight up swap.
265
00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:42,308
How 'bout I give you
Boardwalk and Park Place,
266
00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:43,726
and you give me Ventnor?
267
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,103
-That's crazy talk.
-Oh, yeah?
268
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,230
What "History of Board Games"
class did you take
269
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,774
when you were in college?
270
00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:52,693
My friend, you have a deal.
271
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:55,905
You got Chance.
272
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,573
"Take a walk on the Boardwalk,"
273
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,284
which I now own,
and you're bankrupt, and I win.
274
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,370
Wow, you beat me at every game,
275
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,580
even Heisman Trophy Trivial Pursuit.
276
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,749
Oh! Can I play Bart next?
277
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,126
{\an8}I carry my own little top hat with me.
278
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,127
{\an8}Oh.
279
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,420
{\an8}Is this guy bothering you, Bart?
280
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,089
{\an8}I'll make sure he finds the door.
281
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:16,300
(gasps) Could you throw me out
in a perfect spiral?
282
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,761
I can walk you out in a straight line.
283
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:22,056
Wow!
No one's gonna believe that at school.
284
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:24,058
(cackles)
285
00:11:24,141 --> 00:11:25,559
Huh?
286
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:29,355
{\an8}(Bart thinking) "Always let him win"?
287
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,232
{\an8}"Don't let him see this sheet"?
288
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:33,484
{\an8}He called me the greatest
receiver he'd ever thrown to.
289
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,486
{\an8}Was that a lie, too?
290
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,405
LEINART: Get out there.
291
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:39,115
Hey, Mr. Simpson.
292
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,700
Hey, Milk Dud.
293
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,452
Uh, listen, I got to go change
the oil in my car.
294
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,287
Don't you want to get a Choremonkey?
295
00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,580
They cut me off.
296
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,791
I never dreamed when I gave 'em
my credit card number
297
00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,710
that they would charge me.
298
00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,294
You could help me out if you want.
299
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,879
I have an old shirt you could wear.
300
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,715
An old shirt! Wow!
301
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,384
My dad doesn't have any of those.
302
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:03,806
Wow. Anyone ever tell you that
you're excellent at gluing?
303
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:04,974
Um, no.
304
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,185
And your rubber cement boogers
were very convincing.
305
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,146
Look, I know you're doing this
because you have to.
306
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:11,731
How would you like it if the other team
307
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,107
had just let you win all the time?
308
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,734
That would have been really great.
309
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:15,735
(cell phone buzzes)
310
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:17,570
Listen, I have another Choremonkey job.
311
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:18,612
I'll see you around.
312
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:21,115
-(grunts)
-(shouts, grunts)
313
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,784
Huh? Huh. Hmm.
314
00:12:23,868 --> 00:12:27,455
Wait, I don't think a bouncer
throws people into a bar.
315
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,415
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just bounce, all right?
316
00:12:29,498 --> 00:12:30,624
I'll tell you which way.
317
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,377
LEINART:
Get in there. (sputters) Ralph.
318
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:35,671
Yay! I'm a touchdown.
319
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,506
(Milhouse laughs)
320
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,091
{\an8}Boop! (laughs)
321
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,552
{\an8}Look who's a greasy guy! (laughs)
322
00:12:41,635 --> 00:12:44,513
{\an8}Now you're greasy, too! (laughs)
323
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,932
{\an8}-Look at you.
-(laughs)
324
00:12:47,016 --> 00:12:48,559
{\an8}Bloop, bloop.
325
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,312
{\an8}Well, hello, Tony Stark.
326
00:12:51,395 --> 00:12:53,689
{\an8}We've never had fun like that
in my whole life.
327
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,859
{\an8}Oh, look!
The engine block pizza is almost done.
328
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,277
(sizzling)
329
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,987
(gasps) Engine block pizza?
330
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:01,655
Car food is our thing.
331
00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:03,032
Careful you don't burn your mouth.
332
00:13:03,115 --> 00:13:05,576
Oh. He never warns me.
333
00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:11,248
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
Vijay Singh has chosen a seven iron
334
00:13:11,332 --> 00:13:14,710
for his approach here
at the fifth on St Andrews.
335
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,170
(siren wails)
336
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,297
BART: My zombies have got you now.
337
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,633
-(cackles)
-Mm.
338
00:13:20,716 --> 00:13:22,468
What's the matter?
Aren't you into the game?
339
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,136
Uh, yeah, yeah.
340
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,972
(dramatic music playing onscreen)
341
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,099
-(groaning)
-(whirring)
342
00:13:30,726 --> 00:13:33,145
Good luck with that zombie Bing Crosby!
343
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,772
B-B-B-Brains.
344
00:13:34,855 --> 00:13:36,732
(shouting)
345
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,402
Eh, I won. Whoo-hoo.
346
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:42,154
Huh?
Didn't seem like you were too excited
347
00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:43,656
when you sliced me in half.
348
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:45,574
It's just hard when you think
you're gonna be slicing
349
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,160
the same boy in half all your life.
350
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:49,495
Uh-huh...
351
00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:51,580
Well, I guess I'd better get to work.
352
00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:54,583
On a Friday?
353
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,377
(hums)
354
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:58,128
Why are you wearing a fishing hat?
355
00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,214
(gasps)
Are you going fishing without me?
356
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:02,967
(whimpers)
What is happening with us?
357
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:06,387
If you've got something to say,
just say it.
358
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:08,055
Unless it's boring.
359
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,890
Is there someone else?
360
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:13,769
Oh! Spare me your melodramata!
361
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,521
(huffs)
362
00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:20,901
♪ ♪
363
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,989
(tires screech)
364
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,325
Marge, I can't have a baby.
365
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,245
Coordinating our sleep schedules
will be a nightmare.
366
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:35,040
Plus, the only good relationship
I ever had was with my hat.
367
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,293
Then the wind blew it away.
368
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:40,170
You didn't have a good
relationship with your father?
369
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,171
Hmm.
370
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,965
(instrumental of
"Turkey in the Straw" plays)
371
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:45,050
Come here, sweet pea, give me a burp.
372
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,343
Youse can do it.
373
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,304
-(chortling)
-(burps)
374
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,556
Aah! Youse got milk on me!
375
00:14:50,639 --> 00:14:52,182
I'll murdalize ya!
376
00:14:52,266 --> 00:14:53,767
(grunts)
377
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,353
(sizzles)
378
00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,899
Oh...
379
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,568
that was before throwin'
your baby into the sun
380
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:04,778
was considered child abuse.
381
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,907
So you see, Simpson men just don't...
382
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,617
Wait a minute!
383
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,535
(both laughing)
384
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:14,079
Now yank the hook out
385
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:17,374
and throw him back because we're humane.
386
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,588
{\an8}(growling)
387
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:25,215
I've never seen Homer and Bart so close.
388
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,844
Maybe I can finally be a good dad.
389
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:31,931
-That's not Bart.
-Don't ruin my epiphany!
390
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,682
♪ ♪
391
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,851
-(sizzling)
-Hey, Mr. Van Houten.
392
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,853
Oh, hey, Bart. Milhouse isn't here.
393
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,605
I know. And I don't care.
394
00:15:39,688 --> 00:15:42,816
{\an8}Are you making envelope soup?
395
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,735
Envelope soup? (chuckles)
396
00:15:44,818 --> 00:15:46,278
That'd be silly.
397
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,072
No, I'm stamp mining.
398
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:50,824
You steam off the stamp,
color in the postmark,
399
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:52,576
and you just made half a dollar.
400
00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,412
Almost. Want to try?
401
00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,750
Careful! That's a forever stamp!
402
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,752
Could be worth a fortune someday.
403
00:16:01,835 --> 00:16:02,962
Well done.
404
00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:04,463
And look at me.
405
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,715
I'm hangin' out with Bart Simpson.
406
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,342
That's so cool.
407
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,844
I can't wait till Wendell
sees us hangin' out.
408
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:12,137
Oh, hey.
409
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:16,558
Oh, I built it up too much.
410
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:17,893
(crickets chirping)
411
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,062
♪ What do you do with a drunken Homer? ♪
412
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,897
♪ Make him watch "Hunt for Red October" ♪
413
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,024
♪ Let him drive in a lunar rover ♪
414
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,110
♪ Tickle his nose with a... ♪
Oh, hi, Marge.
415
00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:29,279
Homer, why were you fishing
with Milhouse?
416
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,408
Because for once,
I'm with a kid who respects me.
417
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,410
One who doesn't call me Homer.
418
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:36,370
I didn't know that bothered you.
419
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:38,122
It does. A lot.
420
00:16:38,205 --> 00:16:39,498
Oh, Homer.
421
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:41,291
Feels good when you say it.
422
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:42,751
Homer.
423
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,378
Ah...
424
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:46,505
Honey, maybe you should talk to Bart.
425
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,090
He's just behind that wall.
426
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,550
BART: Yeah, Homer!
427
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,010
Get your fat ass over here!
428
00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:52,261
You see? You see?!
429
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,096
It's not bad enough he calls me Homer.
430
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:56,598
He calls my buttocks "ass."
431
00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:59,143
Hmm.
He probably learned that at school.
432
00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:00,769
You bet your ass he did.
433
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,604
Maybe you and Lisa can talk to him.
434
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,315
Lisa and I aren't speaking right now.
435
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:08,068
I can't believe you threw away
my Utne Readers!
436
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,529
MARGE:
Oh, is that how you pronounce it?
437
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,239
(Lisa groans)
438
00:17:12,322 --> 00:17:15,576
(birds singing)
439
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:18,912
For most of my child's life,
I'll be gone.
440
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:23,417
When you're cremated, you feel it!
441
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,127
Warn everyone!
442
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,046
Aah.
443
00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:31,300
Oh, Abe, hi.
444
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:32,926
I-I was about to call you.
445
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,928
-I had an ultrasound today.
-But...
446
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,805
♪ ♪
447
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,475
-Does this mean...
-Yep, I'm the father.
448
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,852
And I thought she was
just using me for a beard.
449
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:44,104
(gasps)
450
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,190
♪ ♪
451
00:17:49,026 --> 00:17:50,736
I'm so sorry, Abe.
452
00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:53,030
Well, I just want to say...
453
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,657
Yes! I can't raise my left arm,
454
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,367
much less a child!
455
00:17:57,451 --> 00:18:01,205
Yippee!
Not having kids keeps you young!
456
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:04,041
Oh, I knew you'd come back!
457
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,839
(Bart clears throat)
458
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,549
-Kirk.
-Homer.
459
00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,218
-Dad.
-Fat Ass.
460
00:18:14,301 --> 00:18:16,136
That is not my name!
461
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,763
Mm, mm, mm!
462
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,389
Let's roll.
463
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:24,478
Can't let 'em catch us.
464
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:30,234
♪ ♪
465
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,824
I can't take the pressure!
466
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:40,244
-(gasps)
-(tires screech)
467
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:41,829
Son, I'm so sorry!
468
00:18:41,912 --> 00:18:43,580
I'm getting rid of this stupid stop sign
469
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,916
before it hurts somebody else!
470
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,001
(grunts)
471
00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,838
-(tires screech)
-(horns honk)
472
00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,464
I'm sorry, too, Dad.
473
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,091
(gasps) You called me Dad!
474
00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,884
There's a first time for everything.
475
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,511
Also, a last.
476
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,471
Milhouse, I'd be lying
477
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:02,224
if I said riding in a go-cart
with Bart Simpson
478
00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:04,101
wasn't the highlight of my life,
479
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,520
but you're my son, and I love you.
480
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,272
I love you, too, Dad.
481
00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,941
You're my favorite guy
that Mom's brought home.
482
00:19:11,024 --> 00:19:12,276
Aw...
483
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,820
Last one home is a rotten father!
484
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,781
Those aren't yours to keep!
485
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,325
They take them out of our pay!
486
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,870
HOMER: We'll bring them back
when we get tired of them!
487
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:25,289
Oh, that never happens.
488
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:29,626
But, Chief, I...
I don't think those vehicles
489
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:32,004
are certified for highway use.
490
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:34,006
Yeah, well,
I don't think you're certified
491
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:37,384
to understand the relationship
between a father and son, Lou.
492
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,636
Yeah, well, I have a son--
he lives in Baltimore.
493
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,346
What do you want, a parade, Lou?
494
00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,643
Listen, Maggie-- can I call you Maggie?
495
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,813
Is there a way I can get you
to put that pacifier down?
496
00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,149
(chuckles) Oh, don't worry.
497
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,109
I'll be here as long as it takes.
498
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,029
You know, if you cooperate,
499
00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:59,781
I can talk to your mother
about a reduced time out.
500
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,619
{\an8}Look, you wanted a helicopter,
501
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,537
{\an8}I got you a helicopter.
502
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,541
Okay, I've got your nose,
503
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,001
and if you want to see your nose again,
504
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,045
you'll give me that pacifier!
505
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:25,390
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
Swing and a miss! Strike two.
506
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,643
Sanchez batting .269.
507
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,395
Fun fact-- his father was
one of those soccer players
508
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,774
who ate his teammate after
a plane crashed in the Andes.
509
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:35,984
Look at him bite at the high fastball.
510
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,071
♪ ♪
511
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,152
-(crowd murmuring)
-Shh!
512
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Subtitled by A. Vandelay