1 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,671 ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" instrumental playing) 2 00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,094 -(dogs barking) -(sleigh bells jingling) 3 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:12,137 (grunts) 4 00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:16,349 -(music stops) -Smithers, release the Christmas hounds. 5 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,351 -(barking) -(screaming) 6 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,478 (growling, barking) 7 00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:23,231 ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" resumes playing) 8 00:00:27,944 --> 00:00:30,113 {\an8}SINGERS: ♪ All is not well, on this Noel ♪ 9 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,657 {\an8}♪ It's looking grim for Reverend Tim ♪ 10 00:00:32,741 --> 00:00:34,784 {\an8}HELEN: ♪ This should be his very busy season ♪ 11 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:37,120 {\an8}SIDESHOW MEL: ♪ No one's coming, tell me what's the reason ♪ 12 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,329 {\an8}-(snoring) -SINGERS: ♪ What will he do? ♪ 13 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,372 {\an8}♪ Pull up a pew ♪ 14 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,708 {\an8}(singing quiets) ♪ As we bid adieu, look for Disco Stu ♪ 15 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,382 {\an8}Usually, the Fourth Sunday of Advent is packed. 16 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,718 {\an8}I hope the reverend isn't losing his touch. 17 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,220 {\an8}Comparing the Three Wise Men to the Beastie Boys 18 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:56,598 {\an8}seemed more desperate than hip. I'm serious. 19 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,437 {\an8}(groans) Even Milhouse could've made that. 20 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,646 {\an8}What is it, Helen? 21 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,857 {\an8}Uh, well, Tim, just thought you should know, 22 00:01:05,940 --> 00:01:08,651 {\an8}a very special fan club is waiting to talk to you. 23 00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,862 {\an8}Mm! 24 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,907 {\an8}A semi-circle? What gives? 25 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:16,618 {\an8}Ned? Agnes? 26 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,661 {\an8}Mel? The Parson? 27 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,330 {\an8}That's right, your boss. 28 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,708 {\an8}And I'd like to introduce you to my boss, the Patriarch. 29 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:27,045 {\an8}Actually, Parson, we all have the same boss. 30 00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:29,089 {\an8}The Metropolitan. 31 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:32,425 {\an8}And it is his will that we come together here for... 32 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:35,345 {\an8}a divine intervention. 33 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,180 {\an8}Look, since when is it a crime 34 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,474 {\an8}to mix Pinot Noir and Vicodin? 35 00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:43,645 {\an8}Oh, we don't care if you wreck your liver with Sancerre and acetaminophen. 36 00:01:43,728 --> 00:01:47,857 {\an8}You can pop pain pills like cran-raisins for all we care. 37 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,194 {\an8}We're here 'cause you're not packing the p-p-p-pews. 38 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:55,156 {\an8}The church is emptier than a syrup bottle after a pancake breakfast. 39 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,742 {\an8}Oh, people have reasons to miss mass. 40 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,077 {\an8}There's flu going around. 41 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,745 {\an8}The new Jeeps are in at the dealership. 42 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,873 {\an8}Lot of new features, the big screen up front, where... 43 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,750 {\an8}It's not just attendance, Reverend. 44 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:08,545 It's that sometimes when you speak, my mind wanders, 45 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:11,881 to, uh, non-religious areas. 46 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:16,636 Timothy, admit it. You're in a slump. 47 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:20,473 How many souls have you personally converted to our faith this year? 48 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:21,891 Negative six. 49 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,310 You have some converting to do. 50 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,604 (groaning) 51 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,857 I haven't been heard from! 52 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,567 And what do you have to say? 53 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:33,695 Nothing! Just pointing it out. 54 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,947 Okay, I can do this. 55 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,407 I'm a good man. 56 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:41,035 And Springfield is nothing if not a good Christian community. 57 00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,871 ♪ ♪ 58 00:02:45,957 --> 00:02:47,876 (cries out) 59 00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,210 (laughing) 60 00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:51,588 (grumbles) I'm worried about this festival. 61 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,215 It's like something you'd see in a college town. 62 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:57,135 Come on, Mom, get with the pagan agenda. 63 00:02:57,218 --> 00:03:00,096 Ha. This doggy likes me. 64 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,433 Don't worry, Ralphie, I'll shoot you off of there. 65 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:04,392 Uh-oh. 66 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:07,645 Come on, guys, let's go check out this year's feature attraction-- 67 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,939 the Strandbeest. 68 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,066 Powered by the wind! 69 00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:16,154 Wow. Uh... is this science, or garbage? 70 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:18,072 -Dutch art. -Ooh! 71 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,366 And I'll bet it's environmentally conscious. 72 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:21,826 No. It is not. 73 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,954 {\an8}(onlookers murmuring) 74 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,831 Whoa. It's alive! 75 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,875 {\an8}(excited murmuring) 76 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:32,795 Hmm. The wind is picking up slightly. 77 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,130 This is a disaster! 78 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,424 The Beest is built for the polite breezes of Europe. 79 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:38,885 (panicked shouting) 80 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,346 -Save me, Odin. (grunts) -(screaming) 81 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,640 Look, Dad, I can skate backwards! 82 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:47,518 Great, Sophie! Just watch out for Strandbeests! 83 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,145 (laughter) 84 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,438 (shocked gasps) 85 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:51,564 (screaming) 86 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:53,524 {\an8}(stammering grunts) 87 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,318 {\an8}(grunting) 88 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:57,487 {\an8}(screams) 89 00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,072 (grunting) 90 00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,157 What the... (grunting) 91 00:04:03,826 --> 00:04:05,203 Okay, I got to warn ya. 92 00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:07,497 Regular morphine doesn't work on me anymore. 93 00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:10,500 Call this number and they'll send the stuff I need. 94 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,835 It'll say "for elephants," but ignore that. 95 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,170 (groans) 96 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,838 Sorry about this, Sophie. 97 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,174 Couldn't have come at a worse time. 98 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,469 I only get one week of custody, once a year. 99 00:04:21,552 --> 00:04:22,929 It's okay, Dad. 100 00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,556 We'll get to know each other in this semi-private room. 101 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,725 Oh, I'll give you all the privacy you need. 102 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,811 -Ah... -(flat lines) 103 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,148 -(screams) Harold? -Private room! 104 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,943 Mm-hmm. 105 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:42,532 Uh... so, uh, how's your act coming along? 106 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,325 I'm not in show business. 107 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,369 What kind of a screwed-up kid are you? 108 00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,538 I'm not screwed up. I get good grades. 109 00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:50,873 -I play the French horn. -Good, good. 110 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,834 You know, it's funny when someone's playing it 111 00:04:52,917 --> 00:04:54,460 and their pants fall down. 112 00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,587 -(chuckles) -I haven't had that happen. 113 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:58,047 Well, don't feel bad. 114 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,049 It's actually a pretty complicated rig. 115 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,135 The whole megillah is a big tzimmes. 116 00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,262 Tzimmes? Megillah? 117 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,430 It's Yiddish. 118 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,890 The language of our fakakta people. 119 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,059 Mom raised me Christian. 120 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,061 A Christian? 121 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,564 (groans) That farbissina shiksa. 122 00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:18,526 How can you ignore the sacred traditions of the Jewish people? 123 00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:21,904 Krusty, here's your bacon, lobster, and tref sandwich. 124 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,699 Hey, it was supposed to come with a side of camel. 125 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:26,117 Extra cloven. 126 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:29,078 Dad, you don't have to be sort of funny with me. 127 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,790 The thing is, I want to celebrate this time with you. 128 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,792 Sweetie, I know you're reaching out. 129 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:38,046 But to me, Christmas is just another day. 130 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:41,674 I usually curl up with a good bookmaker, and... 131 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,969 Well... 132 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,473 Why don't the two of you spend Christmas with us? 133 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,016 Our home isn't fancy, 134 00:05:50,099 --> 00:05:53,269 but we'd love to set a place for two more. 135 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,521 Marge, we accept. 136 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:58,107 -Can we bring anything? -Just yourself. 137 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,484 That'll cost you. 138 00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,612 (singsongy) Oh, Maggie. 139 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,489 Guess who just came down the chimney? 140 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:06,449 A magical holiday friend, 141 00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:09,160 straight from the North Pole. 142 00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:12,246 He's called the Gnome In Your Home, and he works for Santa, 143 00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,791 by watching you all the time. 144 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,960 According to a book sold separately, 145 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,755 the Gnome In Your Home doesn't need food or sleep. 146 00:06:20,838 --> 00:06:23,591 He lives for just one thing-- 147 00:06:23,674 --> 00:06:26,552 to tell Santa if you're bad or good. 148 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:27,762 (sucking pacifier rapidly) 149 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:31,849 He's gonna live here on your shelf, and he never shuts his eyes. 150 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,142 Isn't that cute? 151 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:37,480 You'd better be good, or he'll nibble your wittle fingers! 152 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,482 (sucking pacifier rapidly) 153 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,567 (playing "O Tannenbaum" on piano) 154 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,701 -(doorbell rings) -Oh, boy, Krusty's here! 155 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,664 A very merry Christmas, 156 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:57,333 from the bottom of my heart. 157 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,293 (calling) Did you get the shot? 158 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,337 How did it play? Was I too sincere? 159 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,465 -Perfect, Mr. K! -Start laying dolly track. 160 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,842 {\an8}("Jingle Bells" playing) 161 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,760 {\an8}(doorbell rings) 162 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,513 {\an8}Come on, damn it! 163 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:14,183 {\an8}Christmas is about one thing-- being with family. 164 00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,019 {\an8}Sophie, come sit on Daddy's lap. 165 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:18,855 I don't want to be on camera. 166 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:21,524 Fine, we'll just motion-capture her in later. 167 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,236 {\an8}(screeching) 168 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,490 {\an8}Aw, that's my girl. 169 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:32,743 {\an8}Oh, what a beautiful gingerbread house. 170 00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,370 {\an8}Wish I could make one. 171 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:38,291 {\an8}And I can! On a multi-function Minolta printer. 172 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:40,376 {\an8}Print, scan, copy, 173 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,421 {\an8}let Minolta do your Xeroxing! 174 00:07:43,504 --> 00:07:47,049 {\an8}"...when what to my wondering eyes did appear..." 175 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,051 {\an8}To hear me read the rest of this poem, 176 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,387 {\an8}dial 1-900-OLD-POEM. 177 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,055 {\an8}$9.95 per call. 178 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:55,558 {\an8}All I wanted was to spend the holidays with you 179 00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,727 {\an8}so we could learn more about each other. 180 00:07:57,810 --> 00:07:59,604 {\an8}Well, I learned! 181 00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:00,938 {\an8}Get out! 182 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,900 {\an8}-(crying) -What? Seriously? 183 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,444 {\an8}You really want me to go? 184 00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,279 {\an8}Yes. 185 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:09,989 {\an8}Right now. 186 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,577 (doorbell rings) 187 00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:17,079 Uh, can we get some room tone? 188 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,290 Just 20 seconds. 189 00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:34,680 Oh, Sophie! Please, forgive me. 190 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,265 I canceled the show. 191 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,601 I'm pulling up duct tape myself, 192 00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:41,270 like a caveman! 193 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,940 SOPHIE: (crying) Just leave me alone. 194 00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,651 (groaning) 195 00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:50,071 {\an8}If the Word of God isn't enough, 196 00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,990 {\an8}I also have some rubber jar openers. 197 00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:56,160 (groans) I've been directing Christmas pageants for 30 years. 198 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,663 There's no way there's a God. 199 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:02,291 Forget it. Our nonsense is so much better than your nonsense. 200 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,627 Look at this guy! He can be a Pixar hero. 201 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:05,753 Look at him! 202 00:09:05,836 --> 00:09:09,924 No, maybe I'm just not cut out for the God game. 203 00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,301 Maybe I could teach S.A.T. Prep. 204 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,846 At least there are answers in the back of that book. 205 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:20,101 (grunts) 206 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:23,813 (cries) What kind of poison do you serve to a guy 207 00:09:23,896 --> 00:09:26,190 whose daughter hates his guts? 208 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:29,193 Yeah. Try a Duff Numb. No flavor, just alcohol. 209 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,695 (gulps) 210 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:33,990 I need something that makes me feel better in my heart. 211 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:35,658 Like firing a writer. 212 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,868 Especially one who just bought a house. 213 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,161 Mm... 214 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:40,580 (cash register dings) 215 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,958 My son, I'm here to guide you to the most powerful man 216 00:09:44,041 --> 00:09:46,502 in this world, or any other. 217 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,337 J.J. Abrams? 218 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,172 No. Jesus. 219 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:53,509 He is reaching his arms out to you. 220 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,513 Oh, my God. I can see him. 221 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,432 I am a Christian! 222 00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:02,268 (angelic voices singing) 223 00:10:02,351 --> 00:10:04,061 (stun gun crackling) 224 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,188 Uh, Chief, I think you got him. 225 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,815 Yeah, it's Christmas. (chuckles) 226 00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:10,860 Just bang his head on the car door and we'll call it a day. 227 00:10:10,943 --> 00:10:12,361 Merry Christmas. 228 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,447 Good night, sweet Maggie. Mwah. 229 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:18,200 Why are you huddling over there? The gnome can't see you. 230 00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:20,202 I'll move your crib closer. 231 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,288 (grunting) 232 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,541 There. 233 00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,128 (clock ticking) 234 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,425 Oh, sorry, I forgot your nightlight. 235 00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,721 (in baby voice) The gnome can't nibble your fingers 236 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,389 if he can't see them. 237 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,808 (Psycho type violin stings) 238 00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,396 Hey, Maggie. I thought I'd try the violin. 239 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,565 (Psycho type violin stings) 240 00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,485 (wind whistling) 241 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,821 (object falls) 242 00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,742 (wind whistling) 243 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,496 (terrified sucking) 244 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,084 I've got a tummy ache. 245 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,671 Maybe I ate too much before bedtime. 246 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,887 Have you been a bad baby? 247 00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:22,765 Oh. Don't lie to me... 248 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,893 or Christmas morning will never come! 249 00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:28,020 (cackles evilly) 250 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,607 ("Jingle Bells" slowly plays in minor key) 251 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:39,949 (laughs) 252 00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,034 (yells) 253 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,287 Oh, don't worry, Maggie. 254 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:48,124 He can't beat the super team of Santa, 255 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:51,127 Jack Frost, the Abominable Snowman, 256 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,295 and Wayne Gretzky. 257 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,797 He's got a gun. 258 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,737 Merry Christmas, Maggie! 259 00:12:21,073 --> 00:12:23,534 Was Maggie a good little girl? 260 00:12:23,617 --> 00:12:25,369 She was?! 261 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:28,998 Well, you did such a good job, Mr. Gnome, 262 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,501 that we're gonna leave you here all year round. 263 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:42,344 {\an8}("Joy to the World" instrumental playing) 264 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,182 "...which they also did and sent to the elders 265 00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,725 by the hands of Barnabas and Saul." 266 00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:49,518 Now, I'd like to introduce 267 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,146 our newest brother in faith-- 268 00:12:52,229 --> 00:12:54,064 Krusty the Christian. 269 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:57,568 ♪ Amazing grace ♪ 270 00:12:57,651 --> 00:13:00,988 ♪ How sweet the sound ♪ 271 00:13:01,071 --> 00:13:04,325 ♪ That saved a putz ♪ 272 00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:06,994 ♪ Like me ♪ 273 00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:11,165 KRUSTY (thinking): Aw, I remember the day she came into my life. 274 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:18,005 Oh, here's a present for Maggie. 275 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:23,093 And the good news is, Spycraft Toys 276 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:24,929 makes other invasive dolls-- 277 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:27,306 Narc In The Park, Bear Who's Always There, 278 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:28,891 and Snoop While You Poop. 279 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,811 Won't that be fun? So much fun. (slurps) 280 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,319 Oh, now, sweetie, that's a present for your mother. 281 00:13:40,402 --> 00:13:43,113 {\an8}(chuckles) Another Christmas in the bag. 282 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,157 {\an8}I love my juicer. 283 00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:50,079 {\an8}And don't worry, Marge, I'm adding fruit. 284 00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:56,502 {\an8}You know, I might have one more present for you. 285 00:13:58,462 --> 00:14:01,131 (chuckles excitedly) 286 00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:03,384 (both scream) 287 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:04,760 (scared stammering) 288 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,887 What is it? What is it?! 289 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,431 HOMER: What the... 290 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,558 (panting) 291 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:16,689 (drumroll) 292 00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:21,277 Welcome to the Krusty the Clown Sober Contemplation Hour. 293 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:24,196 -(cymbals crash) -Pray, pray, kids. 294 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:26,782 We've got a very uplifting show today. 295 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:27,992 He is risen. 296 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,660 And now please silently reflect 297 00:14:29,743 --> 00:14:33,747 upon the wholesome new teachings of Itchy and Scratchy. 298 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,624 {\an8}♪ They pray, they pray ♪ 299 00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,668 {\an8}♪ They pray and they don't slay ♪ 300 00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:40,087 {\an8}♪ Pray, pray, pray, they found a way ♪ 301 00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:43,173 ♪ The pious mouse and cat ♪ 302 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:52,141 {\an8}"They shall beat their swords into plowshares." 303 00:14:52,224 --> 00:14:55,144 {\an8}I think it's about time we put on some clothes. 304 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,146 (both grunting) 305 00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,773 And then this happened. 306 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:02,526 Wow, Dad, you wrecked your entire show 307 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,320 just to prove you love me. 308 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,654 Wait a minute, wait a minute. 309 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,197 Here comes a cream pie. 310 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,867 (pennywhistle plays) 311 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:12,536 -(Krusty chuckles softly) -(Bart groans) 312 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:19,501 Coming up next, we've got some hilarious comedians. 313 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,628 Finally. 314 00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:24,006 Andrew Nice Clay, Larry the Fable Guy, 315 00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:26,216 and Joe Piscopalian. 316 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,678 Oh, if he was gonna convert, why didn't he pick a funny religion? 317 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,014 Like Zoroastrianism. 318 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:34,058 Their top god is named Mazda. 319 00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:36,894 -Tell me that's not hilarious. -(groans) 320 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:40,105 And now the moment you've been waiting for... 321 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:43,859 The nature of the universe is we are forced to wait for every moment. 322 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,236 -As Mazda teaches us... -Shh! 323 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,364 My daughter will play the French horn 324 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:51,283 and no one's pants will drop. 325 00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,495 (plays upbeat melody) 326 00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:58,666 I guess this will just be for me. 327 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:04,755 Well, look at you, all cool and collected. 328 00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,633 Oh, well, even the Lord rested on Sunday. 329 00:16:07,716 --> 00:16:10,719 But Krusty's not ours till he's b-b-b-baptized. 330 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:14,890 You have to get his soul and his bank router number on autopay. 331 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,726 Oh, he wanted to do it the old-fashioned way, 332 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,604 in the river with Miss Teenage Nevada, 333 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,064 but the river's frozen. 334 00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:23,857 I have to wait until the ice melts. 335 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,735 Mm-mm-mm. I had you pegged for a closer, Tim. 336 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,905 You know, Ogdenville is looking for a prison chaplain. 337 00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:33,659 The last one, well, he got a very cool tattoo... 338 00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:36,161 that he didn't ask for. 339 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,121 -(Helen gasps) -(glass shatters) 340 00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:38,998 (mouse squeaks) 341 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,083 ♪ Gather with the saints ♪ 342 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,836 ♪ At the river ♪ 343 00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:49,258 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 344 00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:52,011 (squeaky-voice) ♪ Throne of God ♪ 345 00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:57,141 Will the baptismal candidate please approach? 346 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,476 {\an8}-(laughing) -(grunting) 347 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,271 {\an8}You're sure you want to do this, Dad? Seems kind of meshugana. 348 00:17:02,354 --> 00:17:04,606 {\an8}I want to be a total Christian for you, babe, 349 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,317 {\an8}so I'm gonna shpritz my tuchis... 350 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:08,944 {\an8}Be careful of the current. 351 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,530 {\an8}Don't worry, I haven't been current in years. 352 00:17:11,613 --> 00:17:14,491 {\an8}-(laughs boisterously, groans) -(laughter) 353 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,078 (laughter continues) 354 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,293 Huh? Huh? Oh. 355 00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:28,505 Oh, great, my death is a hacky parody of Frozen. 356 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:32,301 Dad? But who's the moose? 357 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,969 I'm your first agent. 358 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,638 Oh, this is the most we've ever spoken. 359 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,183 -(cell phone rings) -(groans) 360 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,601 I must be dead. 361 00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:41,977 You're not dead yet. 362 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,979 Listen, I should know, because I am. 363 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,315 And life was no picnic, but let me tell you, 364 00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:47,983 death is no picnic, either. 365 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,694 Your biggest mistake is expecting picnics. 366 00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:51,862 Dad! 367 00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:55,032 Oh, I suppose you're not happy that I'm converting. 368 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:58,368 Herschel, your heart just stopped, so I'll make this very quick. 369 00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:01,330 There's no one religion that makes you a good father. 370 00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:03,499 All you got to do is think of your children 371 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,334 before yourself, that's all... 372 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:08,170 except with those oxygen masks that you get on the planes. 373 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,838 There it's vice-a-versa. 374 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,590 Well, I guess you would know. 375 00:18:11,673 --> 00:18:14,676 You're a rabbi who's seen the face of God. 376 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,012 Actually, I'm a hallucination caused by cell death 377 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,514 in your suffocating brain. 378 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:21,850 Also, I saw you texting during my funeral. 379 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:24,436 -For shame! -(cries out) 380 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,023 Oh, reel him in. You've caught a drowning man! 381 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,483 Slow down. 382 00:18:29,566 --> 00:18:31,318 First I'm gonna play him a little. 383 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,784 "I shall be a fisher of men." 384 00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:45,207 (ice breaking) 385 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:48,043 I'm alive! Oh, ho! 386 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,003 Don't tell my ex-wife. 387 00:18:51,046 --> 00:18:53,048 (whooping and cheering) 388 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,551 Lovejoy is a hero! 389 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:58,720 Finally, something I can explain! 390 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,973 {\an8}SINGERS: ♪ All ended well except for Sideshow Mel ♪ 391 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,100 ♪ This Jewish clown, he didn't drown ♪ 392 00:19:03,183 --> 00:19:05,394 ♪ Reconciled with his daughter ♪ 393 00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,771 ♪ When he got out of the water ♪ 394 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:09,982 ♪ Here's the good news, butts in the pews ♪ 395 00:19:10,065 --> 00:19:12,067 ♪ Watch Homer snooze as he still chews ♪ 396 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,070 {\an8}♪ Our show is almost done, Maggie didn't stop ♪ 397 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:17,823 {\an8}♪ At one ♪ 398 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:25,414 Sorry about Krusty, 399 00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,916 but he's still on Team Hanukkah. 400 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,586 Um, I hate to win on a technicality, 401 00:19:30,669 --> 00:19:32,921 but he was under the water. 402 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,923 That's a baptism. 403 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,925 Maybe we should ask Mazda? 404 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,303 I'm not going to ask him anything, he's drunk. 405 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,930 (slurring) Oh, and like you're not! 406 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,849 (slurping) 407 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,440 ♪ ♪ 408 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,942 ♪ Just hear those sleigh bells jingling ♪ 409 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:56,612 ♪ Ring-ting-tingling along ♪ 410 00:19:56,695 --> 00:19:58,614 ♪ Let's sing a jolly holiday ♪ 411 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,992 ♪ Non-denominational song ♪ 412 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,828 ♪ Being pulled through the snow to a wintertime feast ♪ 413 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:07,289 ♪ By a PVC beast ♪ 414 00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,959 ♪ My website traffic just increased ♪ 415 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,961 ♪ Best get you home to your mother ♪ 416 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,756 ♪ Or she'll call a lawyer or two ♪ 417 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:19,218 ♪ There's nothing better than spending alternate weekends ♪ 418 00:20:19,301 --> 00:20:21,970 ♪ With you ♪ 419 00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,056 (theme music playing) 420 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:03,929 -(crowd murmuring) -Shh! 421 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,515 (squeaky-voice) ♪ Throne of God ♪ 422 00:21:07,015 --> 00:21:09,935 Subtitled by A. Vandelay