1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:06,297 CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 2 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,801 D'oh! 3 00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:12,137 -(tires screeching) -(grunts) 4 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,726 -(thunder crashes) -(electricity crackles) 5 00:00:19,644 --> 00:00:23,523 There's nothing too short that I can't cameo. 6 00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:25,608 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,282 ♪ ♪ 8 00:00:35,785 --> 00:00:37,954 ANNOUNCER: Intramural softball, 9 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:39,622 where even the most overweight tubbo 10 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,207 can pretend to be an athlete. 11 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,376 (dramatic music plays) 12 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,057 {\an8}-Play ball! -(drunken clamoring) 13 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,641 {\an8}You play ball! 14 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,144 {\an8}-Hey! Oh! -Hey! Oh! This guy! 15 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,812 {\an8}Those Indian Point Nuclear jerks, 16 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:06,399 {\an8}they think they're so great because their fallout radius includes Manhattan. 17 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,693 {\an8}How many Mets games can you postpone? 18 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:10,153 {\an8}Fuggettabowtit! 19 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,237 {\an8}-Hey! -Oh! 20 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:12,489 {\an8}-Pizza! -Tattoos! 21 00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:13,907 {\an8}Verrazzano Bridge! 22 00:01:15,992 --> 00:01:17,535 {\an8}Everyone is so out of shape. 23 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,288 {\an8}It's like watching maple syrup play softball. 24 00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:23,333 {\an8}Yeah, Dad hit a home run five minutes ago 25 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,210 {\an8}and he's still rounding second. 26 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,253 {\an8}(dramatic music plays) 27 00:01:31,257 --> 00:01:32,717 {\an8}Let's just call it a triple. 28 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:33,885 {\an8}Oh. (grunts) 29 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:37,472 {\an8}The triple, the most exciting play in baseball. 30 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:38,973 {\an8}Except this time. 31 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:41,309 {\an8}Fun fact-- the odds of a baseball hitting a bird 32 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:44,771 {\an8}are one in a billion, but I've seen it four times. 33 00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:47,065 {\an8}-(crowd cheering) -MAN: We're out of beer! 34 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,610 {\an8}Burnsie, old buddy, you care for a cigar? 35 00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:51,986 {\an8}Oh, thanks, but no. 36 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:54,447 {\an8}If I inhale warmed air, I tend to float away. 37 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,324 {\an8}(sighs) You ever think we're watching 38 00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:58,618 {\an8}the last generation of nukemen? 39 00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:01,579 {\an8}No one wants to go into this dirty business anymore. 40 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,499 {\an8}Fiddle-faddle, nuclear power is the industry of tomorrow. 41 00:02:04,582 --> 00:02:05,834 {\an8}Oh, yeah? Says who? 42 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,336 {\an8}Life magazine, The Saturday Evening Stenograph, 43 00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,089 {\an8}and "Professor Noodle-Strudel and the Dove Soap March of Comedy." 44 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:14,425 {\an8}Me? I'm thinking of getting into, uh, to solar. 45 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:16,177 {\an8}I won't use it myself, 46 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,680 {\an8}I'll sell it to the poor people and the musicians. 47 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:20,098 {\an8}Oh, not me. 48 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,183 {\an8}I vow that nuclear power will continue 49 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,018 {\an8}long after my body is gone 50 00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:26,563 {\an8}and my brain is in a shark that can walk on land. 51 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,774 {\an8}I'll educate a new generation of nuclear workers. 52 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:32,026 {\an8}And I'll find those bright-eyed radio-activists 53 00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,737 {\an8}at my alma mater-- Yale. 54 00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,490 (grunts) 55 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,450 (horn honks) 56 00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,743 Hey! Yo! 57 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,412 -I'm eatin' Mister Softee over here! -(horn honks) 58 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,247 Hey, kayak on the Hudson! 59 00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:45,915 (tires screech) 60 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,877 It's always wonderful when a successful... 61 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,588 -And childless. -...alumnus returns. 62 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,716 It's delightful how you take turns sniffing after my money. 63 00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:58,928 Now here's a group that was established in 1909. 64 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,889 Pfft. I hate modern music. 65 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:05,059 ♪ To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 66 00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:08,730 ♪ To the place where Louie dwells ♪ 67 00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:12,275 ♪ To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 68 00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,153 ♪ We love so well ♪ 69 00:03:15,236 --> 00:03:16,738 (chuckles) The Whiffenpoofs. 70 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,990 I'll buy you a new library if you have them killed. 71 00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:21,618 So many have tried to kill them. 72 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,162 But other smug jackasses in white gloves 73 00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:25,747 would just take their place. 74 00:03:25,830 --> 00:03:29,000 ♪ We can't be stopped ♪ 75 00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:31,085 Well, I am here to offer you money. 76 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,505 I'd like to endow a Department of Nuclear Plant Management. 77 00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:37,634 Wonderful. Of course we can't do nuclear. 78 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:40,178 Our students are highly-entitled wusses. 79 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:43,181 You'd be creating a space for violence to happen. 80 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,686 How about funding a chair in the non-narrative cinema 81 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,980 of self-identified pansexuals? 82 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,149 What? What? What? What? What?! 83 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,984 We also need to hire more deans 84 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,612 to decide which Halloween costumes are appropriate. 85 00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,322 Eight deans should do it. 86 00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:02,325 (sputters) Is this still a coven of capitalism 87 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,911 where evil money can acquire a patina of virtue? 88 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,704 Yes, that's in our charter. 89 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:10,667 But with an issue as hetero-patriarchal as nuclear power, 90 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,544 we'll have to hire multicultural empathizers, 91 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,171 build a new safe space. 92 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,839 Not so fast. 93 00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:20,176 We insist on a chair of anti-nuclear studies 94 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,971 and a nuclear-neutral curriculum pathway. 95 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,681 Absolutely, Teddy. 96 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,849 We run all decisions past the squash team. 97 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,018 Also the fencing team, water polo, 98 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,687 and Handsome Dan the mascot. 99 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,106 (goofy laughter) 100 00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,150 Release me, you hound. 101 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,361 (goofy laughter) Oh, yeah. 102 00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:40,947 What's happened to this place? 103 00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:43,116 (dramatic sting playing) 104 00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:44,033 (gasps) 105 00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:47,245 (gasps) 106 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:52,166 This was the home of ruthless media disruptor Samuel F.B. Morse. 107 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:55,253 -Who's his successor? That fellow? -"Fellow"? 108 00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:58,047 That word is cisgender-normative, okay? 109 00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,590 You're worse than Hitler! 110 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,842 Too late for flattery. 111 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:03,094 I'm not giving this school a dime. 112 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:11,060 -Former Bonesman! -MAN: Living or dead? 113 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,645 Living, but you'd better hurry. 114 00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,023 Engage cloaking device. 115 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:20,111 {\an8}Ah, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink 116 00:05:20,194 --> 00:05:22,238 {\an8}from the skull of Martin Van Buren. 117 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,699 {\an8}Care for some Pancho Villa? 118 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:28,244 Ugh. Has everything in this school surrendered to diversity? 119 00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:31,414 Yale's on its way out. 120 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,583 That's why I started my own line of colleges. 121 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,877 287 campuses. 122 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,463 We took over all the old Circuit Citys. 123 00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:39,672 Really? 124 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:43,676 Using teachers these holier than thou Ivies fired for cause. 125 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,762 I celebrated Columbus Day. 126 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,097 I, uh, referred to God as "He." 127 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,682 I got five students pregnant. 128 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,143 Hmm, I could start my own college. 129 00:05:52,226 --> 00:05:53,603 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 130 00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:55,146 We can't talk business in here. 131 00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,440 Just general schemes for world domination. 132 00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,317 Fraternal handshake? 133 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,235 Oh, all right. 134 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,200 You are on my radar. 135 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,204 (slurping) 136 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,875 (grunting) 137 00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:20,546 -(crackling) -What you doing, Mr. B? 138 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,757 I never want to see the word "Yale" again. 139 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,385 We're changing all our locks to Schlage. 140 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:29,138 Eh, to be honest, I'm thinking of starting my own college. 141 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,140 You can make a big fat profit. 142 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,976 -A for-profit college? -Eh, that's where I went. 143 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:36,479 University of Phoenix, Oklahoma in Washington State. 144 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:39,315 At least that's where it was last month. It moves around quite a bit. 145 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,276 -A for-profit college? -You said that already, sir. 146 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,029 A for-profit college?! 147 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,824 -("Pomp and Circumstance" plays) -Excellent. 148 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:49,325 Kudos. 149 00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:51,911 (chuckles) 150 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,163 And now for your first economics lesson. 151 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,249 So long, suckers! 152 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,834 (screaming) 153 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:00,878 Boola Boola? 154 00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:03,423 (sinister chuckle) Moola moola. 155 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,761 The world is faster than ever, 156 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,139 and you can't make it without a college degree. 157 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:15,810 But for some reason worthy students don't always get in. 158 00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:18,604 Students these days don't have four years to waste 159 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,898 at a fully-accredited institution. 160 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,109 {\an8}Burns University will grab you by the pants 161 00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,111 {\an8}and fling you into the job of your dreams. 162 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,946 Elder care associate. 163 00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,030 (boing noise) 164 00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,450 Museum manager, nighttime. 165 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,576 (boing noise) 166 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,411 TV re-capper. 167 00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,371 (boing noise) 168 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,416 {\an8}BURNS: Burns University gives you a degree you can print on your computer. 169 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,001 Out of the sight of the law. 170 00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:42,628 I'm proud to be the first in my family 171 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,922 to earn non-transferable credits. 172 00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,800 I've made a billion dollars through ruthless backstabbing. 173 00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,469 But now, for no apparent reason, 174 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,846 I seem to be helping young people. 175 00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:53,598 So start your future today. 176 00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:54,974 Because at Burns University... 177 00:07:55,057 --> 00:07:58,853 ALL: Your life gets the full Monty! 178 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,813 -(chuckles) -What are you laughing at? 179 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,357 Does "the Full Monty" have some sort of naughty double meaning? 180 00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:08,279 ♪ I believe in miracles ♪ 181 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,948 ♪ Where you from, you sexy thing... ♪ 182 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,618 If only our faculty could be hired so easily. 183 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:16,037 Oh, but we already have a faculty-- them! 184 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:18,206 Sir, these people can barely run the plant, 185 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,790 much less teach on the side. 186 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,001 Smithers, when you think of teachers, what do you think of? 187 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,837 Low-paid workforce with no health care in a toxic environment. 188 00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,547 And there you have them. 189 00:08:26,631 --> 00:08:29,467 Just pull them off one-by-one till the power stops. 190 00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:30,801 We'll be fine. 191 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:33,012 (Marge hums) 192 00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:34,472 What are you teaching, Dad? 193 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,349 I'm giving lectures on what I do at work. 194 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,184 Well, what do you do at work? 195 00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:40,561 Well, I... you know, the button stuff. 196 00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:44,023 -Have you prepared a reading list? -I have to read? 197 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,317 -No, it's for them. -Whoo-hoo! 198 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,610 (groans) 199 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,862 But what are you actually gonna say to them? 200 00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,365 I'll start with the life cycle of the atom. 201 00:08:52,448 --> 00:08:54,992 A baby atom is called a "neutron," 202 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:58,287 when it turns professional, it becomes a proton. 203 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:01,332 And if it runs for office, it's an electron. 204 00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,334 (Lisa gulping, sighs) 205 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:05,294 Lisa, did you just drink that? 206 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,712 (slurred) How'd you guess? 207 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,798 No, "sheriously." Oh, wow. 208 00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:11,592 Wow, my first slurred word. 209 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,388 Dad, a college education is important. 210 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,723 It's my only hope for getting me out of this-- 211 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,559 pardon me, Mom-- dump. 212 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,561 Lisa, go to bed right now. 213 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,980 -Oh, keep your pants on, lady. Dad! -(gasps) 214 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,732 Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! 215 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:29,068 I believe in higher education. 216 00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,903 You are a teacher. 217 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,780 If you make a joke out of it, 218 00:09:32,863 --> 00:09:35,575 (voice breaking) you are crushing my only hope. 219 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,909 (sobbing) 220 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:40,204 As the good kid here, I have to point out she's acting very badly. 221 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:42,081 For shame. 222 00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:44,458 Lisa, sweetie, my professor money's 223 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,294 going into your college fund. 224 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,338 Ooh, that's good, I guess. How much is in it now? 225 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,591 Depends on what we do with Grampa after he dies. 226 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,050 Just burn me! 227 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,345 Ooh, well, that's the most expensive option I'm considering. 228 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,514 BURNS: Welcome to Burns University. 229 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,308 Don't park at Del Taco. 230 00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,312 Our motto-- Ut uberiores divites. 231 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:07,732 Well, doesn't that mean "The rich get richer"? 232 00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,483 Ooh, this prestigious school 233 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,319 doesn't need Latin-translating troublemakers. 234 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:12,653 You're expelled! 235 00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,488 {\an8}(speaking Latin) 236 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:15,823 {\an8}"Non refundum!" 237 00:10:15,906 --> 00:10:17,158 (dog barking) 238 00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:18,743 When do I throw this in the air? 239 00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,953 You're a professor, so you don't throw it. 240 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,580 In fact, you hardly ever wear it. 241 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,290 Geez, I had this custom-made. 242 00:10:24,373 --> 00:10:26,917 {\an8}-Apartheid's over, Lenny. -It worked! 243 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,586 Mm-hmm. 244 00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,506 Man, copying is so hard. 245 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:35,134 -Any questions? -Yes. What does it mean? 246 00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:37,345 Uh, what do you think it means? 247 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:40,014 Remember, there are no wrong answers. 248 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,766 Well, I would guess that, uh, 249 00:10:41,849 --> 00:10:43,601 three neutrons coming out when only one went in, 250 00:10:43,684 --> 00:10:46,270 uh, leads to some kind of chain reaction. 251 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,272 Wrong. There's always a class clown. 252 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:49,857 Ten-minute coffee break. 253 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:53,778 Um, any of you homies want to sell Schedule I narcotics 254 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,154 to a fellow teenager? 255 00:10:55,237 --> 00:10:56,656 You're a teenager? 256 00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:58,616 What year were you born? 257 00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:01,118 Hey, you're not the cop around here. I am! 258 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,536 -(groans) -What? 259 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,455 Oh, right, my cover. 260 00:11:04,538 --> 00:11:05,873 Seriously, people. 261 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,708 Some of us are here to learn. 262 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:10,378 Professor, half-life of radium, if you please. 263 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:13,047 -Don't look at book! -(groans) 264 00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:16,717 Ugh. You're crushing me. 265 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,220 What the hell is that? 266 00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,513 Guys. You know what? 267 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:22,181 It's a beautiful day. 268 00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:24,392 Why don't we have class outside? 269 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,811 Yes, that's it. Go on outside. 270 00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,563 I'm totally unqualified. 271 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,982 I don't even know how to get outside from here. 272 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:35,194 That's the answer! 273 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,404 Oh, wait. 274 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:40,324 -Hey, what's the matter, Professor? -He don't know what to teach his class. 275 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:42,493 Homer's just not cut out to be a pedagogue. 276 00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,203 That's easy. You just got to register. 277 00:11:44,286 --> 00:11:45,788 Stay away from playgrounds. 278 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,540 Oh, you said "pedagogue." 279 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:51,919 (sighs) So this is what it's like to fail at something. 280 00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,546 LISA: I can help you, Dad. 281 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:57,049 Aw, if it isn't Daddy's little wino. 282 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:59,051 No, I'm clean. One day clean. 283 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,554 -Yeah, I know that tune. -Just come with me. 284 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:03,931 You don't have time to learn anything, 285 00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:06,183 but at least you can have a sense of mission. 286 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,351 I got these for you. 287 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,104 Dead Poets Society, Stand and Deliver. 288 00:12:10,187 --> 00:12:13,065 Each one a portrait of a great teacher, told by Hollywood. 289 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,067 Played by stars, each one paid 290 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,445 more than a teacher makes in a million lifetimes. 291 00:12:17,528 --> 00:12:20,197 I always cry at the end of Goodbye, Mr. Chips. 292 00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:22,366 Mr. Chips is my name for my Fritos. 293 00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,951 Just watch the movies. 294 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,872 ROBIN WILLIAMS (on TV): Words and ideas can change the world. 295 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,373 Oh, look at the world! 296 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,542 It just did a boom-boom in its pants. 297 00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:33,043 You, you change it. 298 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,090 Go to the woodshop and make yourself a push broom. 299 00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,467 You're gonna need it. 300 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,720 It's not a tumor. 301 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:47,475 Oh, they were great. They inspired me. 302 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,227 And the best part is where they show the real guy over the credits. 303 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,313 He looks just like the actor but fatter. 304 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,647 -(snoring) -(door slams) 305 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,107 Okay, listen up. 306 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:58,152 All it takes to be a great teacher is to care. 307 00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:00,905 And I care. So I'm a great teacher. 308 00:13:00,988 --> 00:13:03,783 I don't like you, and you don't like me, 309 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,951 but I'm your only ticket out of the barrio. 310 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:07,286 ¿Comprende, ése? 311 00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,371 I understand. I understand plenty. 312 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,832 Do you know you can get a hot shower by hooking up your hose 313 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,250 to your car radiator? 314 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,170 Towel off with the floor mat and feel like a king. 315 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:18,339 ♪ Ah, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha ♪ 316 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:23,260 Good. Now he can bring the rest of the Latin Kings in line. 317 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,304 Okay, first lesson. 318 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:26,806 (whistle blows) 319 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,808 (Lenny shouts) 320 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,851 Always watch out for a little rod 321 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:33,145 falling into the back of your shirt. 322 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,522 I do it, like, every week. 323 00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:37,525 Now remember, your chair has three levers-- 324 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,652 down, back, and lock. 325 00:13:39,735 --> 00:13:41,362 Down, back, and lock. 326 00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,948 -Together. -ALL: Down, back, and lock! 327 00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:48,160 Down, back, and lock! Down, back, and lock! 328 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,162 Down, back, and lock! 329 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:51,497 Carpe diem! 330 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:55,501 So, Andre, is it true? You're dropping out of my class? 331 00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,086 May I ask why? 332 00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:58,838 I... well, I... 333 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,715 I-I want to go back to counseling at-risk teens. 334 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:04,635 No, Andre. You don't get to throw your life away. 335 00:14:04,718 --> 00:14:07,179 I'll be here for every class. 336 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:10,182 -Carpe diem. -Carpe diem. 337 00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:12,101 Just what does that mean, by the way? 338 00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:14,353 Fish for a dime, my friend. 339 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,021 Fish for a dime. 340 00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:17,439 (mechanical whirring) 341 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,817 How much are we charging for hugs, Smithers? 342 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,986 Five dollars, but, uh, I'll give you one for free. 343 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:25,364 -Quiet. -Monty, I want to buy the whole school. 344 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,032 But it must include Homer Simpson. 345 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:28,826 He is a great teacher. 346 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:31,704 But first I must find out how much he's worth to the plant. 347 00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:33,247 (whispers indistinctly) 348 00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:36,542 I see. It seems I owe you $100,000. 349 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:38,544 Great lecture, Professor S. 350 00:14:38,627 --> 00:14:42,047 I finally understand how gamma rays turned Bruce Banner into the Hulk. 351 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:46,260 Always remember the equation, "gamma equals green." 352 00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:49,179 Man, I wish you were my father, Dad. 353 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:51,265 Uh, Simpson, I've sold your contract. 354 00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,434 No! You cannot stop me from teaching. 355 00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:56,061 I was going to paint houses in the summer. 356 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,648 Nothing will stop the greatest teacher in the world from painting houses! 357 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,774 Oh, calm down. 358 00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:03,736 You'll be working for this man at his private estate. 359 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,279 What? Me? 360 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,948 -Alone? Without my kids? -Yes. 361 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,742 Sounds good. Who are you? 362 00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:13,078 The owner of more for-profit colleges than anyone in the world. 363 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,247 These students are going to miss you. 364 00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:19,710 Thank you! 365 00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:21,503 I just want to say, 366 00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:25,674 each and every one of you gets an incomplete! 367 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,927 -I can't hear him. Can you? -Nope. 368 00:15:29,511 --> 00:15:31,472 Love was the test. 369 00:15:31,555 --> 00:15:33,557 And you all passed. 370 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:46,695 (screeches) 371 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,781 PILOT: Uh, folks, we'll be landing at Mr. Verlander's 372 00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:50,866 secret estate shortly. 373 00:15:52,868 --> 00:15:55,621 A flight attendant will be coming by to put 374 00:15:55,704 --> 00:15:57,164 a blindfold over your eyes. 375 00:15:57,247 --> 00:16:00,918 Cabin crew, please wipe your memory and prepare for landing. 376 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:10,094 Which way do I go? 377 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,596 Uh, use the map! 378 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,350 D'oh! 379 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,149 Homer Simpson. 380 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:27,611 AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Voice does not match file from 1989. 381 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:31,031 (1989 Homer voice): Let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. 382 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,200 Welcome, Homer Simpson. 383 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,495 Whoa. 384 00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,205 Hmm. 385 00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:41,041 Hmm? You unload your own dishwasher? 386 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,502 Yeah. If you don't, you get a funny smell. 387 00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,713 Now, come in. Are you tired from your trip? 388 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:48,465 Let's get you a refreshing cryofreeze. 389 00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,175 {\an8}Rejuvenating, huh? 390 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:51,844 {\an8}It opens your pores. 391 00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:55,347 -Uh, what happens if I pee in this? -Are you just asking? 392 00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:58,267 -Or did you already pee in it? -I'm asking for a friend. 393 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,060 So what's our next activity? 394 00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:01,854 I hope it's not square dancing. 395 00:17:01,937 --> 00:17:03,772 I'd like you to meet the rest of my guests. 396 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:04,898 Hmm. 397 00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:08,068 Homer, say hello to the greatest educators in the world. 398 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:10,529 Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. 399 00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:14,700 The solar system is over four and a half billion years old. 400 00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:17,369 Jeopardy! champion of champions, Ken Jennings. 401 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,538 Who is "glad to meet you"? 402 00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,665 Financial educator Suze Orman. 403 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,375 You are not allowed to buy a Mercedes 404 00:17:23,459 --> 00:17:25,419 until you pay off your credit cards. 405 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:27,212 Great, now you tell me. 406 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,423 Screenwriting guru Robert McKee. 407 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,717 Welcome to the act three climax, 408 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,344 resolution of story and subplots. 409 00:17:35,512 --> 00:17:38,057 I expect you're wondering why I've assembled a team 410 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,683 of the world's greatest teachers. 411 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,603 -To teach something. -To somebody. 412 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:45,272 Well, there are only six basic plots. 413 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,232 Rise-fall, fall-rise, 414 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,234 steady fall, steady rise, 415 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,446 black cop-white cop, and stop that wedding. 416 00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:54,448 Well, here's what I'm up to. 417 00:17:54,531 --> 00:17:56,075 This is Sallie. 418 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,202 And these are Sallie. 419 00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,120 And those are Sallie! 420 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,873 And those... are Sullys. 421 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:06,043 Robot replicas of the greatest pilot of all time. 422 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:09,213 He lost all their bags. No one talks about that. 423 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:12,758 You are the greatest living educators, of humans. 424 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,969 But now you must face the greatest challenge of your lives-- 425 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:19,932 Can you teach an artificial intelligence? 426 00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:21,558 To teach a robot. 427 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:24,144 Now you've compounded my interest. 428 00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:29,316 That was a very useful time cut. 429 00:18:29,399 --> 00:18:31,652 Now, let's find out what's going on. 430 00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:34,613 Leave that to me, Robert. What's going on? 431 00:18:34,696 --> 00:18:37,157 I'll tell you, and I won't kill you afterwards. 432 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:42,204 What? This is a student loan application. 433 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,123 Mm. Sallie... 434 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,624 Sallie Mae? 435 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,793 The Federal Student Loan Program? 436 00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:50,712 You're creating an army of robots so advanced 437 00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:53,298 -that they can get student loans. -That's right. 438 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,926 These stu-bots-- or ro-dents, if you prefer-- 439 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,011 will attend the universities I've been buying up 440 00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:01,348 and funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to me. 441 00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:02,850 That's it. As Americans, 442 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,018 it's our duty to either stop evil billionaires 443 00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:07,855 or elect them to the highest office. 444 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,732 Well, we've done it. 445 00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,943 You're all up to your polyurethane necks in debt 446 00:19:13,026 --> 00:19:15,195 and heading to Yale. 447 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,822 Follow me. 448 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,324 SALLIES: Boola Boola. Boola Boola. 449 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:20,701 Good luck, Homer. 450 00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:22,995 Will I see you at the last minute saving the day? 451 00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,746 Nah, too clichéd. 452 00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:30,794 The Sallies have blended right in. 453 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,213 We've got 12 productions of The Crucible going, 454 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,841 and the deepest Division III women's lacrosse team 455 00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:37,342 the world has ever seen. 456 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,595 (Homer murmuring) 457 00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:43,432 They're perfect students in every way. 458 00:19:44,641 --> 00:19:47,352 And that's their weakness. 459 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,775 Bleep, blop, bloop. 460 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,319 Bleep, bloop, blorp. 461 00:19:55,402 --> 00:19:56,653 I am a robot, too. 462 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,488 My father was a toaster. 463 00:19:58,572 --> 00:19:59,865 He's in botface. 464 00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:01,950 That's unbelievably offensive. 465 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:04,912 -Microaggression. -Cultural appropriation. 466 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,538 -Offensive. -Offensive. 467 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,081 ALL: Offensive. 468 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,752 Dear Lord, those teachers made them too human. 469 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,546 You've ruined me. Well, not completely. 470 00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:15,964 I still have my health. 471 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:20,802 So, how much will it cost if my daughter applies in ten years? 472 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,222 -$2,000. -That's not so bad. 473 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,141 -That's the application fee. -Oh, yeah. 474 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,854 Lisa, do you see them? 475 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,564 The rings of Saturn. 476 00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:33,690 I do. 477 00:20:33,774 --> 00:20:36,235 The question is, what is five-sixths? 478 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,238 Marge, listen to me. You can't fix stupid. 479 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:41,448 You have to kill him for the insurance. 480 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,243 I've always said these tags are pointless. 481 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:46,662 Story's over. Good night. 482 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:55,545 {\an8}♪ To the tables down at Mory's ♪ 483 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:59,049 {\an8}♪ To the place where Louie dwells ♪ 484 00:20:59,132 --> 00:21:02,219 {\an8}♪ To the dear old Temple Bar ♪ 485 00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,222 {\an8}♪ We love so well ♪ 486 00:21:05,305 --> 00:21:08,976 {\an8}♪ Sing the Whiffenpoofs assembled ♪ 487 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:12,312 {\an8}♪ With their glasses raised on high ♪ 488 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:15,983 {\an8}♪ And the magic of their singing ♪ 489 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,360 {\an8}♪ Casts its spell ♪ 490 00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:21,947 {\an8}♪ Yes, the magic of their singing ♪ 491 00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:25,617 {\an8}♪ Of the songs we love so well ♪ 492 00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,828 {\an8}BURNS: Release the hounds. 493 00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,621 {\an8}(hounds growling) 494 00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:32,040 {\an8}(people screaming) 495 00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:34,167 -(crowd murmuring) -Shh! 496 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,965 Subtitled by A. Vandelay