1 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,839 (sleigh bells jingling) 2 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:10,552 D'oh! 3 00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,220 (grunts) 4 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,058 (camera shutter clicks) 5 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,398 -Here's your raise. -D'oh! 6 00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,483 ♪ ♪ 7 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:35,660 Light! Light! Light...! 8 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:36,703 -LISA: Light! -(Marge groans) 9 00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,538 -It's your turn to get up. -Light. 10 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:40,915 Oh. I'll never understand how something 11 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:44,586 that came from inside of you became my responsibility. 12 00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:46,004 (both grunting) 13 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:48,465 -(grunts) Mm. -Out! 14 00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,216 Light! 15 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,469 Daddy. Breakfast. 16 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,512 Geez, this kid's kind of smart. 17 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:55,847 Tuesday. 18 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:57,140 Au-Autumn. 19 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,184 -(gasp) She's a genius. -Foliage. 20 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,644 Like the guy who invented shoes with lights in them. 21 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,480 LISA: Cornucopia? 22 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:04,898 (chuckles) 23 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:08,151 Aw, sweetie, it's no surprise you're awesome. 24 00:01:08,234 --> 00:01:11,362 We didn't have to pull you out by the elbow, like the boy. 25 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:12,947 Mwah. 26 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:15,200 (humming) 27 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:16,242 D'oh! 28 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,285 (resumes humming) 29 00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:19,412 (keys clacking, bell dinging) 30 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,917 Harvard College, admissions essay. 31 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,627 Lisa M. Simpson. 32 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,213 I was born with one great advantage in life... 33 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:30,924 A voice that would make a rhino stick its horn up its butt? 34 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,093 Rhinos are extinct, nimrod. 35 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,720 Not hippos. I just saw one in smelly, blue pants. 36 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,013 Why you little... 37 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,724 I'm not little. I'm 20, and I live at home. 38 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,976 -(choking) Oh, man. -Why you disappointing... 39 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,187 You know you're choking someone who can vote. 40 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,897 -But did you vote? -No. 41 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,108 -Why you little... -Oh, come on, man. 42 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,401 ...not voting fascist-enabling... 43 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,653 (Bart gagging) 44 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:55,115 HOMER: Must stop President Kid Rock. 45 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,034 I was born with one great advantage, 46 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:00,912 a family that never made anything easy. 47 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,498 Never more than on my seventh birthday. 48 00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,708 -(grunting) -(choking) 49 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,212 (gasps) It's my birthday! 50 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,547 Seven years old! 51 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:13,925 I'll wear my favorite blue dress. 52 00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:16,052 I'll wear red, just for today. 53 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,470 It's my birthday. 54 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,514 I want bacon! 55 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:20,932 (noisy munching sounds) 56 00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,684 -Shh! -(slurping) 57 00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,686 I can't get Maggie to sleep. 58 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:28,273 I guess I'll just have to start using these. 59 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:29,899 (frantic sucking) 60 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,319 Whoa, okay, okay. That's enough for now. 61 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:36,531 (grunts) Geez, come on. 62 00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,825 (grumbling) 63 00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:41,494 Don't make me put you under warm water. 64 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,289 I give up. 65 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,249 (groans) 66 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,251 (camera shutter clicks) 67 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,128 Anyone have anything to say to me? 68 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,797 -Well, of course, honey. -(giggles) 69 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,424 Get ready for school or you'll be late. 70 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,633 (Lisa groans) 71 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,719 Oy, this baby. 72 00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:01,014 Lisa, sweetie, I know why you're excited. 73 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,849 This is a very big day. 74 00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:04,434 -Happy... -(gasps) 75 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,187 ...hour at Moe's was extended by an hour. 76 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,980 -Wh-What? -Mwah. 77 00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:11,316 ♪ Happy hour at Moe's ♪ 78 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,109 ♪ Now he'll never close. ♪ 79 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,195 (vacuum whirring) 80 00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:20,200 -(vacuum turns off) -(Marge sighs) 81 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,826 (moans sadly) 82 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:22,827 (school bell ringing) 83 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:26,748 Class, today is a very special day. 84 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,917 It's someone's birthday. 85 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,419 Someone whose parents pretended to forget. 86 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:32,587 Yes. 87 00:03:32,670 --> 00:03:35,924 And that someone is... Hubert Wong. 88 00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:37,926 Happy birthday, superstar. 89 00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:39,510 (Lisa sobs) 90 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:43,264 Lisa, please don't ruin Hubert's birthday. 91 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:45,558 You wouldn't like it if someone ruined yours. 92 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,393 (gasping cries) 93 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:51,272 I am sorry, but if you can't control yourself, 94 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:53,191 I'll have to send you to the office. 95 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:55,443 But you saying that 96 00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,779 makes me wants to cry more. 97 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,864 (crying) 98 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,161 (moans) 99 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,537 Mmm! 100 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,666 No, Hubert. No cupcake for her. 101 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,382 Lisa, school is a place for sitting quietly. 102 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,925 What about learning? 103 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:20,802 No longer part of our mandate. 104 00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,137 Did your mom ever disappoint you? 105 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:24,973 This isn't about Mother, 106 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,933 so don't say a mother word about her. 107 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,102 Don't you dare, Mother, don't you dare. 108 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:31,145 Ah. It's just me, a student. 109 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,565 -I can't hear you, Mother. -(whimpers) 110 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:39,904 She's everywhere and everyone. 111 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:43,283 I'm everywhere because you're nothing. 112 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,703 Thanks for getting me out of work, sweetie. 113 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,122 -Want the rest of my donut? -No, sir. 114 00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:50,581 (stammers) What? 115 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,583 Aw, please tell me what's wrong. 116 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:55,586 I can't tell you. You just have to know. 117 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,880 -Would tickling help matters? -No. 118 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,133 Well, that's really all I have in my toolbox. 119 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:02,802 Okay, let me think. What's today? Tuesday? 120 00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,053 Yes. 121 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,305 That would make you six years 122 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:09,142 and 365 days old. 123 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,143 Yes. 124 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,020 It's your birthday! 125 00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:14,230 And you forgot it, Lisa. 126 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:16,983 But because it's your birthday, I forgive you. 127 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,193 And you're gonna have the best day ever. 128 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:20,987 Optimism, you're back. 129 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,867 -(horn honks) -Attention, world. 130 00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:29,662 It's little Lisa's birthday, and you all forgot. 131 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,414 -Not me. -(groans) 132 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,833 Now I suppose I got to get your kid something. 133 00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,877 Just remember them in your prayers. 134 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,004 Both of them? Fine. 135 00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:40,631 ALL: ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 136 00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:43,509 ♪ Dear Lisa ♪ 137 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,470 ♪ Happy birthday ♪ 138 00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:48,222 ♪ To you ♪ 139 00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:51,059 ♪ We all forgot. ♪ 140 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,853 (flames sizzling) 141 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:56,981 And all was well, until the next year, 142 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,399 when they forgot again. 143 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:00,026 I mean, really, two in a row? 144 00:06:00,109 --> 00:06:02,111 Even Luigi remembers it. 145 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,238 Well, we have-a the same-a birthday. 146 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:07,784 Makes it easy. You, me, and Hubert Wong. 147 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,662 That's a-right, Hubert. Cupcake for her. 148 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,252 As I got older, 149 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:21,255 I realized, as all must, 150 00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:24,175 that my parents were not demigods. 151 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,303 (robotic voice): You are going to die soon. 152 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,471 Shut up. 153 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:30,056 (robotic voice): You are going to die soon. 154 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,224 Shut up. 155 00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:32,934 (robotic voice): Blood pressure spiking. 156 00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:34,268 Shut up! 157 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:36,813 -Calling your doctor. -(phone dialing, line ringing) 158 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:38,606 DR. HIBBERT: Hello? (laughing) 159 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,108 Shut up! 160 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:41,901 No, they are a man and a woman 161 00:06:41,984 --> 00:06:44,112 trapped in a fragile marriage 162 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:47,573 that nearly fell apart when I turned 14. 163 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,327 Happy birthday! Happy birthday! 164 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,621 I remembered! Don't tell your therapist. 165 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,916 ♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪ 166 00:06:56,999 --> 00:07:00,253 ♪ Here's five brand-new verses ♪ 167 00:07:00,336 --> 00:07:03,631 ♪ Soon you'll be a woman ♪ 168 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:06,467 ♪ Soon you'll be in love ♪ 169 00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:09,762 ♪ Who'd be better to take advice from ♪ 170 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:12,682 ♪ Than a man who wears one glove? ♪ 171 00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:13,683 (imitating Michael Jackson) Hee-hee! 172 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:17,228 ♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪ 173 00:07:17,311 --> 00:07:20,690 ♪ Happy birthday, Lisa ♪ 174 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,818 ♪ Lisa, it's your birthday ♪ 175 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:27,405 ♪ Happy birthday, Lisa. ♪ 176 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:29,198 -Yeah. -HOMER: Mm-hmm. 177 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,909 Thank you. It's a wonderful cake, Dad, 178 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,119 but I'm 14. 179 00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,203 D'oh! 180 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,582 Happy birthday, Lisa. 181 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,750 We miss you in second grade. 182 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,712 Oh, someday you'll get out of there, Ralph. 183 00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:45,047 I don't want to. I'm bigger than teacher. 184 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,508 I broke my desk. Teacher cry. 185 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,803 I'm growing a mustache under my long nose. 186 00:07:53,347 --> 00:07:56,184 (grunts) Better use Mom's closet. 187 00:07:58,394 --> 00:08:01,189 Oof. It's full? 188 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:07,653 Read me. Read me. 189 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,030 Come on, help a letter out. 190 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,449 (moans) 191 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:12,700 "Dear Homer, 192 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,660 By the time you read this..." 193 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:15,786 MARGE: I will be gone. 194 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,164 Since we married, you've changed. 195 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:19,749 Not once for the better. 196 00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:22,001 What's it say? I can't read. 197 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,378 MARGE: So I'm taking the kids and opening 198 00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,047 a bed-and-breakfast. 199 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:28,132 (speaking German) 200 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:32,053 MARGE: Bitterly, Marge. 201 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,054 (gasps) 202 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:35,640 Is Mom really leaving Dad? 203 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,020 (gasps) 204 00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:43,439 So, you finally left him. 205 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:46,275 Well, good for me and good for you. 206 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,904 I finally learned how to unhook a bra with one hand. 207 00:08:49,987 --> 00:08:52,156 MARGE: Lisa, I know what you're doing. 208 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,241 (gasps) 209 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,203 You're hiding when you're supposed to help me 210 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:58,496 give the dog a bath. 211 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:01,123 Mom, Mom! (whimpers) 212 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:04,085 Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm not going anywhere. 213 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,962 Oh, God bless you, inertia. 214 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,506 -Not until I wash this dog. -(burps) 215 00:09:09,590 --> 00:09:11,842 (whispers): Bart, Mom's leaving Dad. 216 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,052 Oh, the poor guy. 217 00:09:13,135 --> 00:09:15,471 Please let me tell him, please. 218 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,847 BART: Pass the gravy. 219 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:20,101 We used to call it "grave," but that was too scary. 220 00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:23,437 So we modified it to "gravy," unless it had meat chunks. 221 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,481 In which case, it was "gravier," 222 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,150 but the war changed everything. 223 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,194 Ugh. 224 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:33,447 I wish you wouldn't drink so much in front of the kids. 225 00:09:33,531 --> 00:09:36,200 Marge, I tried to drink in the pantry, 226 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,452 but you claim that's antisocial. 227 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,746 Ugh. Why don't you just go to Moe's? 228 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,082 You want me to go to a bar 229 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,875 on my daughter's birthday? 230 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,836 That is so messed up. 231 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:50,089 I'm going, of course, but it is so messed up. 232 00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:51,215 Happy birthday. 233 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,216 (door slams) 234 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,217 (Marge groans) 235 00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:55,303 (crying quietly) 236 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,725 Harvard will save me. Harvard will save me. 237 00:10:03,019 --> 00:10:06,731 Kiss me, Lisa, in front of the hall my grandfather endowed. 238 00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,566 He made his money in opium, 239 00:10:08,649 --> 00:10:11,402 but we said it was molasses. 240 00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:13,112 (Marge crying) 241 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:15,156 First, I have to save my parents' marriage. 242 00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,782 Wait here in this fantasy? 243 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,827 Yeah, can we, um, you know, see other people? 244 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:20,911 Sure. 245 00:10:26,584 --> 00:10:29,003 (Marge crying) 246 00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:31,797 (crying continues) 247 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:33,424 (electrical crackling) 248 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,925 (bell jingles) 249 00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:40,264 Man, Moe, you sure are spry. 250 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,725 (stammers) The job keeps me young, eh. 251 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,232 Dad! Mom is gonna leave you. 252 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:53,152 Sweetie, marriages are like water heaters-- 253 00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:54,945 they sit peacefully for years 254 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:58,824 until they explode in a fireball ruining everything you own. 255 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,409 Mom packed her bags. 256 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,079 Which suitcase? The one with the broken wheel? 257 00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,539 Because she won't get more than a block away with that. 258 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:06,832 She fixed the wheel. 259 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,209 Oh, God! 260 00:11:08,292 --> 00:11:09,960 (crying) 261 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,463 -Dad, you've got to shape up. -Hmm? 262 00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:14,131 I'm 14 years old. 263 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:17,009 These next four years are the last memories I'll have 264 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,636 of all of us together. 265 00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,221 I'll do anything you say, sweetie. 266 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,223 I want you to stop drinking. 267 00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:23,474 Stop drinking? 268 00:11:23,557 --> 00:11:26,310 But that's like asking a golfer to stop drinking. 269 00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,311 (moans) 270 00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:28,688 I never thought I'd say this, 271 00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,898 but I'd better text my sponsor. 272 00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,233 Homer's got a sponsor? 273 00:11:32,316 --> 00:11:35,194 Uh, what idiot would lean into that buzz saw? 274 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,988 Hey, hey! I'm the man from A-diddly-A! 275 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,324 Ned, I have to quit drinking. Now! 276 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,244 All right, soberino, it's just 12 simple steps. 277 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,745 Oh, 12? 278 00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:45,996 Fine. Nine. 279 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,456 Oh! 280 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,917 Okay, step one: Admit you're powerless. 281 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,044 I'm powerless. Boom! Done. 282 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,464 Step two: Admit there is a power greater than yourself. 283 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:58,968 Um, if I'm powerless, isn't every power greater than myself? 284 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,137 This is the 12 steps, not 20 questions. 285 00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:04,140 Now, make a decision to turn your life to God. 286 00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:07,935 (scoffs) God. He's in every deal, like undercoating. Fine. 287 00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:09,854 Make a searching moral inventory of yourself. 288 00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:13,733 If I have one tiny flaw, it's that I have many enormous flaws. 289 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,317 Admit the nature of your wrongs. 290 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:18,112 Well, I'm not the best parallel parker. 291 00:12:18,195 --> 00:12:21,490 Are you ready for God to remove these defects? 292 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,451 Dear Lord, the Satan of Heaven, 293 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,369 I order you to fix me. 294 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,121 Okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward through this. 295 00:12:27,204 --> 00:12:28,497 -Make amends. -Here's your wallet. 296 00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,458 -Engage in prayer. -I pray you're not mad. 297 00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,543 And have a spiritual awakening. 298 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,380 (gasps) Things that cost $9.99 299 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008 are really ten dollars! 300 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:42,011 The Lord has spoken, and it is good! 301 00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,971 That's it. No more drinking. 302 00:12:44,054 --> 00:12:46,140 (clicking tongue) Look at those, guys. 303 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:48,184 I used to be like them. 304 00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:50,144 (laughs): Oh, I'm overjoyed for thee. 305 00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,980 Call me anytime you hear the devil's seductive voice. 306 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:54,356 MOE: Homer? 307 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,691 (singsongy): Homer... 308 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:58,319 (deeper): Homer... 309 00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:01,781 (deep, distorted): How's about a Flaming Moe? 310 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,407 (chuckles evilly) 311 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:05,201 Drink me! 312 00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,829 I'm the most overpriced thing at Universal Studios! 313 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:11,081 No! I won't do it! 314 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:18,631 Lisa, sweetie, let's celebrate your birthday! 315 00:13:18,714 --> 00:13:19,965 Yes! 316 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:21,550 HOMER: Ah, honey. 317 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:22,968 -(moaning) -I'm so sorry. 318 00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,470 I miss you so much. 319 00:13:25,971 --> 00:13:28,390 LISA: He did quit, for good, 320 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:32,186 and it was the best birthday present I ever got. 321 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,647 Well, the essay is pretty trite. 322 00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,525 But her grades are perfect, her extracurricular's stellar, 323 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,236 and she'll be the first from her state, ever. 324 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:42,530 Admit! And now for our instantaneous letter 325 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,198 of acceptance. 326 00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:46,867 (whirring) 327 00:13:46,951 --> 00:13:48,077 (fanfare plays) 328 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,497 (gasps) I'm in! And I accept! 329 00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,251 (gasps, groans) 330 00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,890 I'm here! And it's Ivy-er 331 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,226 than my Ivy-est dreams. 332 00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:14,478 -Lisa Simpson. -Lisa Simpson? 333 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,606 Hmm, I'm sorry, but there must be some mistake. 334 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,733 -Oh, no! -Ha! Gotcha! 335 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,986 My one moment of superiority 336 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:24,488 before a lifetime of begging you for money. 337 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:25,948 (tires squeal) 338 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:29,910 (tires screech) 339 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,998 Come on, sweetie, let me carry you over the threshold. 340 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:37,334 (laughs) Dad! That's for weddings. 341 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,169 I think Dad's turning into Grampa. 342 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,337 Hey, I don't need 343 00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,172 (like Grampa): to listen to that hooey! 344 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:44,675 Because I make tie clips out of maple syrup, 345 00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:47,469 but only for Flag Day! 346 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,346 ♪ By the sea, by the sea ♪ 347 00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,307 ♪ By the beautiful sea... ♪ 348 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:54,351 This is great-- we don't have to visit Grampa anymore. 349 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,687 (whirring, beeping) 350 00:15:02,443 --> 00:15:04,945 (robotic voice): Chug, chug, chug. 351 00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,239 (slurring): Really, man, I've had enough. 352 00:15:07,323 --> 00:15:10,659 (robotic voice): The hazing ends when we say it ends. 353 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,745 Do you need any help unpacking? 354 00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:16,290 Mom, I need to learn to do these things for myself. 355 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,335 (whirring, clicking) 356 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:23,714 Sorry, friend, 357 00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,966 you can't pahk your cah in Hahvahd Yahd. 358 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,054 I can't what my what in what what what? 359 00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:31,513 You can't pahk... 360 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:33,557 -Yes...? -in Hahvahd Yahd. 361 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:36,393 -Are you on Novocain? -Yes, but recreationally. 362 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,520 Now, move your craptastic cah. 363 00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,522 (Homer and Marge grumble) 364 00:15:40,606 --> 00:15:42,191 -(door opens) -Hi. I'm Caitlyn. 365 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,109 (gasps) My roommate. 366 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,111 So, you play an instrument? 367 00:15:46,195 --> 00:15:47,613 Bari sax. 368 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,449 -Are you good? -I played at Kenny G's funeral. 369 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:52,576 Ooh, she's pretty impressive. 370 00:15:52,660 --> 00:15:55,663 Uh... any childhood heartbreak? 371 00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,207 My parents forgot my birthday three times. 372 00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,000 She beats me at everything! 373 00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,502 I don't belong here. 374 00:16:01,585 --> 00:16:04,088 While you were feeling inferior, I took the top bunk. 375 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,173 (exasperated grunt) 376 00:16:06,256 --> 00:16:08,676 ROBOT: Stroke, stroke, 377 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:09,802 stroke... 378 00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,929 (sighs sadly) I'm not even gonna make it 379 00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:13,514 through freshman week. 380 00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:15,557 -Hey, little sister. -Well! 381 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,810 At least you're having a good time. 382 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,979 Yeah, these girls want me to piss off their parents 383 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:21,438 before they head home. 384 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,440 (moaning) 385 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,150 Get away from him, Mandy! 386 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,568 I'll pay! I'll pay! 387 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,362 Tell him I have two kids. 388 00:16:28,445 --> 00:16:31,156 The beauty part is, it's not a lie. 389 00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:34,785 You always know what to say, Bart. 390 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,204 Well, try this. I've known you all your life, 391 00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:40,457 and if there's one thing I know, it's that you belong here. 392 00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,792 You're gonna study harder, 393 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,585 you're gonna ask better questions, 394 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,005 you're gonna get into their brains like an earworm 395 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,090 and chew, chew, chew! 396 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:49,091 (disgusted groan) 397 00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,467 Now, make Mom and Dad proud. 398 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:51,802 And then I'll make 'em proud. 399 00:16:51,885 --> 00:16:53,762 -But you first. -Thank you. 400 00:17:01,895 --> 00:17:03,480 This is it. 401 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:06,316 I'm on my own for the rest of my life. 402 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,985 (sobbing nearby) 403 00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,154 Huh? Are you my roommate, too? 404 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,657 For now. Till they kick me out. 405 00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,909 Everyone thinks they're not gonna make it. 406 00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,120 I already got kicked out of a psycho single 407 00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,914 'cause my roommate didn't like me. 408 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:24,209 (deeply): She used all the "shampoo"! 409 00:17:24,293 --> 00:17:26,170 (chuckles) I just think you're funny. 410 00:17:26,253 --> 00:17:30,049 (chuckles) So I suppose you want to tell me your SATs. 411 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,717 Very much. But I won't. 412 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,177 Tell me about you. 413 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:34,344 I'm already homesick. 414 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,305 I was always the kid that didn't fit in. 415 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:37,556 Middle child. 416 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,100 Artsy. And I play 417 00:17:40,184 --> 00:17:42,561 the most unpopular instrument there is: 418 00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,605 the jazz clarinet. 419 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:45,731 Hmm! 420 00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:50,027 (playing lively jazz) 421 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,868 You know your way around a licorice stick, kid. 422 00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:00,996 You blow a mean fish hook yourself, sister! 423 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,874 -Let's talk normal now. -Thank you. 424 00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:06,251 You know, today I was hoping I would meet... 425 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,170 -A lifelong friend? -Yes! 426 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:10,214 Here I am. 427 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:11,256 ♪ ♪ 428 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,258 730 verbal, 790 math, 429 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,010 800 telekinesis. 430 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,096 (high-pitched whirr) 431 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:18,972 740 verbal, 780 math, 432 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,058 and I speak fluent cat! 433 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:22,851 (meows) 434 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,561 I have a friend! 435 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:27,856 Oh. Maybe more than a friend. 436 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,067 After that day, I never looked back-- 437 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:32,611 except for all the time I just spent looking back. 438 00:18:32,694 --> 00:18:34,655 (chuckles) But I never doubted 439 00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,199 that who I am was good enough. 440 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,326 (upbeat smooth jazz playing) 441 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:48,919 ♪ ♪ 442 00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:01,932 Light! Light...! 443 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,684 Sweetie, you're one year old, 444 00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:07,187 and you're already the most amazing thing I ever did. 445 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:08,772 Daddy happy. 446 00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:10,983 Daddy very happy. 447 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:14,027 Daddy euphoric! 448 00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,780 Aw. She's making up words. 449 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,327 (to All in the Family theme): ♪ Boy, the way Nirvana played ♪ 450 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,455 ♪ Steroids caused a hit parade ♪ 451 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:29,126 ♪ Beanie Babies had it made ♪ 452 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:32,296 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 453 00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:35,924 ♪ And we had real heroes then ♪ 454 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:39,887 ♪ Like Jar Jar Binks and Qui-Gon Jinn ♪ 455 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,973 ♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪ 456 00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:46,810 ♪ Like Richard Simmons again ♪ 457 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,980 ♪ Watching films like Gilbert Grape ♪ 458 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:53,317 ♪ Then rewinding all the tape ♪ 459 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,946 ♪ Gee, our modem dialed up great ♪ 460 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,825 (imitating modem dialing up loudly) 461 00:20:01,909 --> 00:20:05,996 ♪ Those were the days... ♪ 462 00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:09,833 Very nice. See you in court. 463 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:12,544 LISA: Light! Light! Light...! 464 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:15,172 Au-Autumn. 465 00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,257 (piano playing All in the Family theme) 466 00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:01,510 Shh! 467 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,973 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH