1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,795 ("Deck the Halls" instrumental plays) 2 00:00:03,878 --> 00:00:05,839 Ho! Ho! Ho! 3 00:00:06,881 --> 00:00:08,883 (school bell ringing) 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,928 Happy birthd...! 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,888 (grunts) 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,474 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:17,767 (Lenny yells) 8 00:00:28,778 --> 00:00:30,989 (playing slow-tempo "Jingle Bells") 9 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:37,370 (playing lively jazz) 10 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,958 Mm. 11 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,752 ♪ ♪ 12 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,045 (whistle blows) 13 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:58,683 (dogs growling) 14 00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,812 (penguins squawking) 15 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,856 (monkeys chattering) 16 00:01:04,939 --> 00:01:06,066 (cats yowling) 17 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,650 (Crazy Cat Lady muttering) 18 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,155 D'oh! 19 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,032 (bicycle bell jingling) 20 00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:16,201 (grunts) 21 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,745 ("Hark! The Herald Angels Sing" instrumental plays) 22 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:20,038 (sizzling) 23 00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:21,331 (popping) 24 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,126 HOMER: D'oh! 25 00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:40,642 ♪ Pickin' up trash ♪ 26 00:01:40,725 --> 00:01:42,477 ♪ Put it in the bag ♪ 27 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,437 ♪ Kentucky chicken bucket ♪ 28 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:46,106 ♪ Put it in the bag ♪ 29 00:01:46,189 --> 00:01:49,609 ♪ Makin' four cents an hour and free cigarettes ♪ 30 00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:52,403 ♪ Oh, yeah! ♪ 31 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,448 You have done a beautiful job, ladies. 32 00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,450 I think we're ready to move on. 33 00:01:57,534 --> 00:01:58,701 (cans clattering) 34 00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:01,204 (shuddering) 35 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,292 (shuddering) 36 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,545 -(gasps) Homer! -(snores) 37 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,380 I'm awake! I'm awake! What? 38 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:12,215 Oh, I wish you hadn't done that. 39 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,425 Someone adopted this highway. 40 00:02:14,509 --> 00:02:15,885 Not so loud. 41 00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,428 The highway doesn't know it's adopted. 42 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,389 But we love it just the same. 43 00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:22,475 Well, at least you rented an SUV for this trip. 44 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,727 Now I don't have to clean up the mess. 45 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:25,937 (Lisa groaning) 46 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,231 I'm starting to get carsick. 47 00:02:28,314 --> 00:02:30,567 Quick, stick your head out the window! 48 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:32,235 No, no, no, no, it's a rental. 49 00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:33,736 Aim inside and blast away. 50 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,280 Anyone want a caramel apple? 51 00:02:35,363 --> 00:02:37,157 -It's a rental. -No, thanks. 52 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,449 Shave the dog? 53 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:39,951 -(razor buzzing) -It's a rental. 54 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:41,578 Thank you, no. 55 00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,955 (tires squeal) 56 00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:46,291 HOMER: Get me candy. 57 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:47,917 (laughs) 58 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,586 What's so funny? 59 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:51,838 Ha! You checked this out with half a tank, 60 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:53,923 but now it's three-quarters full. 61 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:58,011 I'm callin' you Santa 'cause you just gifted us one-quarter tank. 62 00:02:58,094 --> 00:03:01,973 Nobody, and I mean nobody, calls me Santa. 63 00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,266 (tires squeal) 64 00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:04,767 What are you doing, Dad? 65 00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:06,269 I'm gonna burn that quarter tank. 66 00:03:06,352 --> 00:03:08,646 Wasting gas while sitting on my ass. 67 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,106 It's the American way. 68 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,608 (tires squealing) 69 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,235 HOMER: Whoo-hoo! 70 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,413 (Homer laughs) 71 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,793 Amazing, son! 72 00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:34,464 Unfortunately, your left foot just grazed the sideline. 73 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:35,840 Incomplete pass. 74 00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,217 Dad, I've got to pee. 75 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,010 Huh? Huh? 76 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,721 I know it's a rental, but I'd rather go in the woods. 77 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:43,139 Maybe I should come with you. 78 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,682 Dad, come on. I'm ten years old. 79 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,226 I can pee by myself. It's easy. 80 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,810 You just shake it when you're through. 81 00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:48,978 You do what now? 82 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,648 (zipper opens) 83 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,399 -Sketch what you see. -Hmm? 84 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,235 -(students exclaiming) -(zipper closes) 85 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,071 (zipper opens) 86 00:03:58,154 --> 00:03:59,739 (sighs) 87 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,574 -(zipper closes) -(metallic clang) 88 00:04:05,453 --> 00:04:07,372 (clanging) 89 00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:08,831 (screams) 90 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,750 (body thuds, Bart grunts) 91 00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,253 Bart, where are you?! 92 00:04:13,336 --> 00:04:15,421 -Bart! -What is it? 93 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,383 (animalistic shouting): Bart...! 94 00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:21,761 (bellowing): Bart! 95 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,096 I don't know, but I can't shoot it. 96 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,264 Looks like it's pregnant. 97 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,598 Ah, let's wait till they're born, 98 00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,849 and then we'll, uh, shoot 'em all. 99 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,309 -(Homer grunting) -(hunters laughing) 100 00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:29,352 (tires squeal) 101 00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,354 Where the heck were you? 102 00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:33,064 Where's Bart? 103 00:04:33,147 --> 00:04:35,024 HOMER: Okay, this is the hardest news 104 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,026 in the world for a mother to hear. 105 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,028 Just ease her into it. 106 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,030 Um, you know that sewing room you wanted, 107 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,533 but we could never figure out where? 108 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:44,826 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 109 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:46,536 What? My special little guy. 110 00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,037 Don't worry, Lou. (laughs) 111 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,539 If there's one thing I've mastered, 112 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:53,042 it's consoling distraught parents. 113 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,377 Ma'am? Ma'am? 114 00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,879 Can you describe your son's skeleton? 115 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,257 Ooh! You incompetent... 116 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:00,967 Look, look, your boy's gonna be fine. 117 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,593 Now we laid out a grid 118 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,305 and have search teams fanning out over the forest. 119 00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,764 (searchers grunting) 120 00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,266 (Wilhelm scream) 121 00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:10,310 I'm sorry, but, uh, because of the grid, 122 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:13,604 we have to suspend the search and bring in some ambulances. 123 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:15,982 (siren wailing) 124 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:20,153 Where is my son?! 125 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,326 Where am I? 126 00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,081 Hmm. 127 00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,251 Huh. 128 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:38,046 (electrical crackling) 129 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:42,425 ("U.S. Air Force Song" begins playing) 130 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:45,762 Welcome to Strategic Air Command, Springfield Station. 131 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,473 If you're watching this tape, half the world is doomed. 132 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,433 (chuckles) Says you, General Dead Guy. 133 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,602 Behind you is a Titan II missile, 134 00:05:52,685 --> 00:05:54,228 key to a mighty line of defense 135 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:58,107 that will reduce our casualties to an acceptable 200 million. 136 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,153 -(clang) -(sighs) 137 00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,780 Dud. 138 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,615 Ay, caramba! 139 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,909 -WOMAN: Bart? -GROUP: Bart! 140 00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:10,620 -Bart! -Bart! -HOMER: Bart! 141 00:06:10,703 --> 00:06:14,582 Now don't worry, I have the best dang bloodhound in the county. 142 00:06:14,665 --> 00:06:16,959 Uh, does your boy smell like a fox? 143 00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,961 -No. -We're of no use to you. 144 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,963 (howling) 145 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,800 Come on, Bart. You made your point! 146 00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:25,802 The whole town is looking for you. 147 00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:29,555 Even that scary old man from the house with the broken windows. 148 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,682 Bart broke my windows! 149 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,685 It used to be a normal house! (angry growl) 150 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,313 All right, listen up. We have a boy-comma-missing, 151 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,690 and you maggots-- you're gonna help find him. 152 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,484 I thought we were ladies. 153 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,861 -You're lady maggots. -Now see here, Sergeant. 154 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,989 You haven't fed us. We're pretty close to riot mode. 155 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,658 This is the boy. 156 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,577 Never seen him in my life. 157 00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:56,040 We all get tattoos we regret. 158 00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,251 I will find that boy, 159 00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:01,337 and I will toast you with his blood! 160 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,214 -(groans) -What'd I tell you about blood toasts, Bob? 161 00:07:03,297 --> 00:07:05,591 To do them, but not brag about them. 162 00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:09,345 PRESIDENT KENNEDY: Ask not 163 00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,932 what your country can do for you. 164 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,393 Ask what you can do for your country. 165 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,854 Doesn't sound like any president I know. 166 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:19,647 (belches) 167 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,698 Freedom! 168 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:31,075 Oh, I can smell Springfield! 169 00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,161 (rumbling) 170 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:35,788 (yelling) 171 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:37,790 (grunts) 172 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:38,958 Aw. 173 00:07:39,041 --> 00:07:41,419 Nothing good ever comes from trying. 174 00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:42,879 (Southern accent): Private Homer, 175 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,589 you fat stack of mop buckets! 176 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,966 You find something funny about this? 177 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:49,886 How about I wipe that smile off your fat face? 178 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,929 (imitating Marge): Not my Homie! 179 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,890 Avert your eyes, ma'am. (grunts) 180 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,559 (gasps) A phone?! Please. 181 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,561 Dial tone. Dial tone. 182 00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:00,688 -(dial tone) -Oh, thank God! 183 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:01,731 (dialing) 184 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,900 I'm looking for a Miss Culls. 185 00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,319 First name Tess, middle initial "T." 186 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:08,070 Uh, just a sec. I'll check. 187 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:11,407 Uh, Tess T. Culls. Tess T. Culls! 188 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,410 Aw, come on! I know you're hangin' around here somewhere. 189 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,787 -(laughter) -Why, you little... 190 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:19,665 When I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya 191 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:21,792 and pull till the foam comes out your ears! 192 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,461 (laughs) 193 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,463 Oh! Oh! (groans) 194 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,425 Oh. I give up. 195 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,094 If you find Bart, give me his lunch money. 196 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,096 Well, I'm never giving up. 197 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,598 Why not? 198 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:37,934 Because searching forever is much easier 199 00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,603 than me finding a new friend. 200 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,480 I could be your new friend. 201 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,440 -What was that? -Nothing. 202 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,317 Shut up! 203 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,736 His lucky cap! 204 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,616 Bart? Bart? Are you down there? 205 00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,368 Milhouse! 206 00:08:55,451 --> 00:08:57,662 I have never been so glad to see you. 207 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,456 Thanks for not noticing my new haircut. 208 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,041 Just give me your phone. 209 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,836 I'll go get help! 210 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,548 You can count on me! 211 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,553 I lit these for our son. 212 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,846 Marge, honey, he's never gonna come back 213 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,557 if he thinks it's a church. 214 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,142 With 78% of the search area reporting, 215 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:23,312 Channel Six is now projecting that Bart Simpson is dead. 216 00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,065 That's right. Self-proclaimed underachiever Bart Simpson, 217 00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,858 dead at the age of ten. 218 00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:31,571 Now let's look at the districts where he's deadest. 219 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,490 (crying) 220 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,325 (doorbell rings) 221 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,245 Lisa, I have news about Bart. 222 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:40,746 We already know. 223 00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:42,331 (crying) 224 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:45,835 Oh, Milhouse, you were his best friend. 225 00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,671 (whimpers) 226 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,256 What did you come here for? 227 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,757 Um... 228 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,676 MILHOUSE: I came to tell her he's alive, 229 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:56,929 but this feels almost as good as hugging Harry Horse. 230 00:09:57,013 --> 00:10:00,516 I came to comfort you in these uncertain times. 231 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,518 Aw. 232 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,353 -(whistle blows) -It's over! 233 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,022 We're callin' off the search! 234 00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,773 -Did they find him? -No, he's dead. 235 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,358 (cheering) 236 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,235 No! That can't be. 237 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,446 Lord, why do you kill things 238 00:10:13,529 --> 00:10:16,115 that I want to kill? 239 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:19,535 Take me now, vile rake! 240 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,038 (rhythmic grunting) 241 00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:23,623 (grunting continues) 242 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,795 I think you should look at Bart's death this way, Bob. 243 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,798 You're free. You're totally free. 244 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,967 Oh, this slipped off. 245 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,553 Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone 246 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,556 had you committed to good instead of evil? 247 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,141 Evil isn't a choice. 248 00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,559 Mm. I see. 249 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,728 Why don't we try a little psychological exercise, Bob? 250 00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:48,064 If I unshackle you, will you behave? 251 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,315 Try me. 252 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:50,775 (beeps) 253 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,235 Cut out Bart's picture. 254 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,281 And by so doing, cut him out of your life. 255 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,908 Don't listen to them, Bob. 256 00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:00,409 -I'm alive. -(psychologist continues indistinctly) 257 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,410 (grunts) 258 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:03,871 ♪ ♪ 259 00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,708 (music stops) 260 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:10,169 Are you okay there, Bob? 261 00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,587 I won't believe he's dead 262 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,757 until I've made soup from his bones! 263 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,509 -(grunts) -(groans) 264 00:11:16,592 --> 00:11:19,679 (sighs) Why do I keep giving them scissors? 265 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,601 (dial tone, dialing) 266 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,770 -(phone rings) -(crying) Hello? 267 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,772 Hey, Mom, it's me. Still married? 268 00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,107 Oh, my God, oh, my God! 269 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:33,776 He's alive! And sassy! 270 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,529 (groans) 271 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,991 Um, one for the road? 272 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:41,992 (grunts) 273 00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,452 It's a long road. 274 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,829 (grunting) 275 00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,997 I'll see you soon. 276 00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,083 (laughs) 277 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:53,337 Hello, Bart...'s friend. 278 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,131 Bart's alive! 279 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,215 Lead me to Bart. 280 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:57,967 You'll have to kill me first. 281 00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:01,137 But if you kill me, you'll never find Bart. 282 00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,722 Hmm. A conundrum. 283 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,306 How to break you? 284 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:08,978 Tell me, do you like light operetta? 285 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,855 Oh, how light? 286 00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:12,148 And a-one and a-two. 287 00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,859 ♪ I have a song to sing, O ♪ 288 00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:18,362 ♪ Sing me your song, O ♪ 289 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,198 ♪ 'Tis sung to the moon by a lovelorn loon ♪ 290 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,659 ♪ Who fled from the mocking throng, O ♪ 291 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,995 ♪ The song of the knell of a churchyard bell... ♪ 292 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,037 I give! I give! 293 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,914 I'll take you to Bart! 294 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:29,915 ♪ He cracked like an egg ♪ 295 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,500 Please stop! 296 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,918 ♪ And began to beg ♪ 297 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,837 (groans) You promised. 298 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,839 ♪ As I sang this song-o ♪ 299 00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,175 ♪ It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born ♪ 300 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:41,594 ♪ Who turned up his noble nose with scorn... ♪ 301 00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:44,430 Can you at least stab me in my ear? 302 00:12:44,513 --> 00:12:45,765 No. 303 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,101 Okay, we'll split up and find Bart. 304 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,270 Thanks for lending this to us, Ned. 305 00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,773 And I'll do the three things that help the most: 306 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,524 pray, pray, pray. 307 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,359 (starts engine) 308 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,779 What about me?! 309 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:01,864 I ain't ridin' in that! 310 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,365 No, you're pulling it! 311 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,701 (grunting) Lousy, no good... 312 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,996 I couldn't pull you when you were eight! (grunts) 313 00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,998 Mm-hmm. 314 00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:14,460 Hmm. Hmm. 315 00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:16,796 Hmm. Angry dad, wise-ass kid. 316 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,590 Now, there's a formula that never fails. 317 00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:22,593 DAVE: Okay, boys, we're gonna sing a nice little song. 318 00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,386 CALVIN: I want to play cowboys and Indians. 319 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:26,096 DAVE: Calvin, put down that tomahawk. 320 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:27,765 Calvin. Calvin. 321 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,934 -(whoosh, blow landing, squish) -Calvin! 322 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,769 CALVIN: (chuckles) You look funny, Dave. 323 00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,479 Dave? Dave?! 324 00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:36,315 HIPMUNKS: ♪ God bless America ♪ 325 00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:40,069 CALVIN: ♪ Give me back my tomahawk... ♪ 326 00:13:40,152 --> 00:13:42,238 That's where he is. But if you jump down, 327 00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:44,156 you can't get back up and you'll be caught. 328 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,159 So, uh, I guess that's checkmate. 329 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:48,410 We're not playing chess. 330 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,579 We're playing a game called After You. 331 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:51,914 After me? 332 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,833 If you insist. 333 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,167 (Milhouse screaming) 334 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,715 Oh, God. I am so sick of these. 335 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,636 (sighs) 336 00:14:05,719 --> 00:14:08,013 Twelfth time's the charm! 337 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,682 Sideshow Bob?! 338 00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:12,476 That's right. I found your hidey-hole! 339 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,144 You found my heinie hole? 340 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,771 (laughing) 341 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,981 Ah, yes. (chuckles) 342 00:14:17,064 --> 00:14:18,816 Always the back-of-the-class wit. 343 00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:22,444 Well, today you're going to be a real blast. 344 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,781 I don't like the way he really hit the word "blast." 345 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,658 (both grunting) 346 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,620 (clicking) 347 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,290 BART: Uh, Bob, it takes two keys. 348 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,126 That way no nutcase can do it by himself. 349 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:39,169 Well, no one ever said launching two boys 350 00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:41,380 on a 50-year-old missile would be easy. 351 00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:44,967 Wow! For a 50-year-old missile, it's in terrific shape! 352 00:14:45,050 --> 00:14:46,468 Shut up! 353 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:49,930 I'm a kid who appreciates things that last. 354 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:52,850 (grunting) 355 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,144 Come on, boy. Get a good whiff of his scent. 356 00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:56,437 (sniffing) 357 00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:01,609 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 358 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,534 (phone rings) 359 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:12,369 MARGE: Did you find anything? 360 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,997 Uh, we found Bart's sock drawer. 361 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,832 Get back out here! 362 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,251 HUNTER: Well, you can't shoot her. You know that's a woman. 363 00:15:19,335 --> 00:15:22,421 HUNTER 2: Oh, this is the last time I hunt with my lawyer. 364 00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:24,048 Son, I can't go no further. 365 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,841 I want to just lie down and die. 366 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,384 Dad, you can't die here. 367 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:29,011 You have to die in a nursing home, 368 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,221 where your body falls apart as you burn through your savings 369 00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:32,890 till you're a worthless vegetable. 370 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,516 You know, with dignity. 371 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,727 You're right, son. We're here on a mission. 372 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,188 Now let's pick out that Christmas tree. 373 00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,898 We're here to find Bart. 374 00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:44,193 Right, right. But we got a nice eight-footer over here. 375 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,363 She's got a bare patch, but we'll turn that to the wall. 376 00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,740 That's it. I'm not listening to another word. 377 00:15:49,823 --> 00:15:53,118 BART AND MILHOUSE: Help! Help! Help! 378 00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:56,455 (strained): For this, you can thank my time 379 00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,958 at Cirque du Soleil. 380 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,459 BART: More like Cirque du So Lame. 381 00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:02,753 Yes, they are pretty much all the same. 382 00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:06,590 (grunts) Just a little further... 383 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:09,134 Oh, wait, wrong key. 384 00:16:10,844 --> 00:16:12,221 (alarm blaring) 385 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,806 FEMALE VOICE: Five minutes to launch. 386 00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,391 (hissing) 387 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:17,393 ♪ ♪ 388 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,271 (alarm blaring) 389 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:23,273 BART: Bob, why are you doing this? 390 00:16:23,357 --> 00:16:25,442 Well, it's perfectly obvious. 391 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:27,069 Uh, it's... (sighs) 392 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,278 Give me a moment. 393 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:29,947 It's an ICBM. 394 00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:31,949 I Commit Bart's Murder! 395 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,576 That's your justification for killing two kids? 396 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,412 I... Hmm? 397 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:39,790 Dad, look! It's either Sideshow Bob or Shaq. 398 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,917 Not me. I'm going that way. 399 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,627 Boy, am I lost. 400 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,129 Shaq, can you help us? 401 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,588 I'm not Superman. 402 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,424 You have a Superman tattoo on your arm. 403 00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,259 How do you know so much about me? 404 00:16:50,342 --> 00:16:52,261 You're scaring me. I don't have any money. 405 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,346 (whooshing) 406 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:59,810 Have you ever thought of how your life could've gone 407 00:16:59,893 --> 00:17:01,437 had you committed to good? 408 00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,147 It is true. I had talent. 409 00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:05,941 I was on Zoom. Just send it to Zoom! 410 00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,651 Box 350, Boston, Mass. 411 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,154 ♪ 02134. ♪ (chuckles) 412 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:12,614 You don't want to do this. You're losing it, Bob. 413 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,951 I don't know what's real and what's hallucination. 414 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,412 ♪ ♪ 415 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,837 -(phone rings) -Hello? 416 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,297 Hello, Doctor. Bob Terwilliger. 417 00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,798 Did I catch you at a bad time? 418 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,967 Oh, Bob, how thoughtful of you to call. 419 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:35,262 Most prisoners rarely follow up after leaving me to die. 420 00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:37,806 I just need to know, 421 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,558 should I kill these children? 422 00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:41,643 Sounds like someone's got a case of the shoulds. 423 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,062 If you're calling to ask, 424 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:45,230 it means you already know the answer. 425 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,482 FEMALE VOICE: T minus two minutes. 426 00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:47,983 Clear blast area. 427 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,818 Just tell me, please! 428 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,570 He's not allowed to talk. 429 00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:54,073 ♪ ♪ 430 00:17:59,536 --> 00:18:00,704 (alarm blaring) 431 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,831 (metallic clacking nearby) 432 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,751 Hmm, that sounds like the ignition sequence 433 00:18:05,834 --> 00:18:09,421 of an LGM-25C Titan II-II ballistic missile. 434 00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:11,840 I've had just about enough of your nonsense! 435 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,093 (whooshing) 436 00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:15,511 All right, I owe you one. 437 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,514 So, why'd you save us? 438 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:22,351 Because I realized I don't want to kill you anymore. 439 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:24,895 Milhouse, is there a knife in my back? 440 00:18:24,978 --> 00:18:27,356 Not that I can see. 441 00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:29,900 Milhouse, is there a "kick me" sign on my back? 442 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,902 Not that I can see. 443 00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:33,862 -(chuckles) -Aw! 444 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,698 I just can't get a clean shot. 445 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,534 Also, you don't have a gun. 446 00:18:38,617 --> 00:18:40,702 I'm useless, all right. 447 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,623 What a brilliant conceptual piece. 448 00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:45,624 Who's it by? 449 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,459 "NORAD." 450 00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,211 More like Snore-ad. 451 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:50,462 (laughing) 452 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,131 -(ticking) -Wait, is it ticking? 453 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:54,633 ♪ ♪ 454 00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,553 WILLIE: Sooner or later, 455 00:18:57,636 --> 00:19:00,931 it all comes down to mopping. 456 00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,392 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 457 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,606 Doctor, I'm happy. 458 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,899 And when I'm released, 459 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,609 after three consecutive life sentences, 460 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,945 I think I'll open a flower shop. 461 00:19:15,028 --> 00:19:16,738 Oh, that's great, Bob. 462 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,782 Not all my patients are this successful. 463 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,242 -(electrical crackling) -Well, 464 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:21,952 I won't be needing his file anymore. 465 00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:24,413 And if you're interested, tomorrow's 9:00 appointment 466 00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,415 -just opened up. -(electrical crackling) 467 00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:27,916 And a 10:00. 468 00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:32,337 (Sideshow Bob theme playing) 469 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,093 (seabirds squawking) 470 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,012 (footsteps approaching) 471 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,140 Your New York Magazine, sir. 472 00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:45,934 This is The New Yorker. Totally different. 473 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,936 One is the gossip rag of the glitterati. 474 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,939 The other, an asthmatic dinosaur that hasn't been relevant 475 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,317 since William Shawn breathed his last! 476 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,819 Can I go now? I've got 15 other lighthouses, 477 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,321 and every one's a weirdo. 478 00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,822 Not that you are. 479 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,991 Fine. Leave me. I'll just polish the bulb 480 00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:04,411 and ponder a wasted life as I walk along the shore. 481 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,123 I rewrite it every time the tide goes out. 482 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,625 Listen to me! 483 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,126 Life is short. 484 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,962 Don't spend it on foolish, empty revenge! 485 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,965 If you buy a mailbox, I wouldn't have to talk to you anymore. 486 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,675 Fine. 487 00:21:04,054 --> 00:21:06,056 Shh! 488 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,936 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH