1 00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:05,547 Aah! 2 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,678 (exclaims) 3 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,810 (school bell rings) 4 00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:21,855 (belches) 5 00:00:21,938 --> 00:00:22,939 (tires screech) 6 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,401 D'oh! 7 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:28,778 (tires screech, grunts) 8 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,072 Is she gonna be okay, Doc? 9 00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,532 She's just fine. 10 00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:34,826 -And here's the baby. -Oh... 11 00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,203 I know how to hold one of these. 12 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:39,164 D'oh! 13 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,084 ♪ ♪ 14 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:52,510 (classical music plays on TV) 15 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,304 ANNOUNCER: You're watching The Learning Network, 16 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,513 where minds grow. 17 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,390 Stay tuned for... 18 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,059 (dramatic voice): 19 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,982 But first... 20 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:13,615 The following film, made in 1982, 21 00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:15,325 was thought to be lost forever. 22 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,535 Actually, it was misplaced in a box 23 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,121 for the comedy Doctor Detroit. 24 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:23,249 But its predictions are more terrifying than ever. 25 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:26,753 Hello, I'm Orson... Welles, 26 00:01:26,836 --> 00:01:28,463 director of Citizen Kane... 27 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:29,714 Boring. 28 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:31,549 ...as well as the lower left-hand square 29 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:32,884 on Hollywood Squares. 30 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:35,178 Ooh, right next to Ruth Buzzi. 31 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:38,598 In 1555, the prophet Nostradamus 32 00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:41,476 foretold a terrifying series of predictions, 33 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,603 all of which came to pass. 34 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:46,606 First, his own death. Second, 35 00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:49,818 large wars in Europe, similar to the large wars 36 00:01:49,901 --> 00:01:51,236 he observed in Europe. 37 00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,988 And the breakup of Fleetwood Mac. 38 00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:57,033 But Nostradamus's final quatrain contained 39 00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,036 one more prediction yet to come: 40 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:03,665 that shortly after the Antichrist becomes president... 41 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,504 (slurping) 42 00:02:09,587 --> 00:02:11,214 This champagne is terrible. 43 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,299 It tastes like dryer sheets. 44 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:16,386 But what does said mushroom signify? 45 00:02:16,469 --> 00:02:19,973 Nothing less than World War III. 46 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,517 Ugh, who'd fall for this malarkey? 47 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,561 (gasps) Smithers, I'm scared. 48 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,063 -Release the comforting hounds. -(snaps fingers) 49 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,481 (dogs whining) 50 00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,316 Oh, excellent. Now, make them into rugs. 51 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,734 (dog whines) 52 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:35,822 Anyone left alive will surely find themselves envying... 53 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,907 Who? Who could we possibly envy? 54 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,909 -...the dead. -Aah! 55 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,078 Smithers, the end is nigh, and we must prepare. 56 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,455 Round up this town's greatest minds. 57 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,166 -Should I order pizza? -Uh-huh. 58 00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,251 One large cheese, double-cut. 59 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,295 (dramatic music plays) 60 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,506 Attention, fellow members 61 00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:56,134 of the Springfield chapter of Mensa. 62 00:02:56,217 --> 00:02:58,094 Mr. Burns has called us here 63 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:02,348 to solve an unknown problem of global importance. 64 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,310 But first, Tri-Ominoes! 65 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:07,395 I say we write and solve our own acrostics. 66 00:03:07,478 --> 00:03:09,397 Yes, after we recite all the words 67 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,107 in the Declaration of Independence 68 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,650 in alphabetical order. 69 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:16,070 ALL: A, A, A, A, A, A. 70 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:19,782 Abdicated. Abolish. Abolishing. 71 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:21,451 Absolute. Absolved. 72 00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,286 Silence, you thinkertons. 73 00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,705 I summoned you here because the world is about to end. 74 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,832 No, it isn't. What are you afraid of? 75 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:30,043 Global warming? (laughs) 76 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:33,087 A.I.? Some sort of plague? 77 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,798 (laughs) 78 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,635 As smarty-pantalones, I am asking you to help with 79 00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:41,012 the Montgomery Burns Doomsday Ark. 80 00:03:41,095 --> 00:03:43,598 This space vehicle will lead humanity's best and brightest 81 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:46,809 to a better life under my stern rule. 82 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:48,978 -COMIC BOOK GUY: Oh, gee! -SIDESHOW MEL: Good heavens! 83 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,481 Will there be someone for your more personal needs? 84 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:54,150 Concubines. Many concubines. 85 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,526 I'll work my way in. 86 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,403 I need you to tell me who is worthy 87 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,697 of surviving the apocalypse with me. 88 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:03,243 I only want the sharpest razors in this town's Halloween candy. 89 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:06,287 Oh, don't worry, Mr. Burns, this is what Mensa does best-- 90 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,206 make everyone else feel stupid. 91 00:04:08,289 --> 00:04:09,999 The only word in English 92 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,794 with three consecutive double letters is... 93 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:13,878 -Oh, um... -Um... 94 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:15,046 Um, "gooseberry." 95 00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:16,798 No, "coffee." Coffee-oo. 96 00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,342 -Uh, balloon-an-ing. -Bookkeeper. 97 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:20,718 -Damn it. -Ha! 98 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,595 It's simple. All we need to do is 99 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,973 give everyone in town an IQ test. 100 00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,808 The highest scores get on the ark-- 101 00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:28,851 Mensa members grandfathered in. 102 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,228 -Sounds good to me. -(all agreeing) 103 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:31,562 Grandfathered! 104 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:34,190 Not so fast. Flavin. 105 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,776 Being intelligent people, I am quite sure 106 00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:38,152 that you will take this well. 107 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,363 IQs are meaningless. 108 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:41,447 -(all gasp) -SIDESHOW MEL: Heresy! 109 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,408 I have the ultimate test 110 00:04:43,491 --> 00:04:46,411 that measures something far more significant: 111 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:50,081 your overall worth as a human. 112 00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:51,332 Impossible. 113 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,209 Intelligence is the only quotient 114 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:55,044 that tells you how important you are. 115 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,798 Ask any of us who did well on a test we took when we were six. 116 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:04,595 Well, you may be the brightest, but you are not the best. 117 00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:08,141 Your worthiness as a human being is best measured, people, 118 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:12,103 by the Personal Value Quotient. That's P.V.Q. 119 00:05:12,186 --> 00:05:14,647 Oh! Ow! All right, enough with the pelting 120 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,733 and the bonking and the compass in my neck. 121 00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,609 Garvik. In order to defuse 122 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:20,153 your obvious hostilities, 123 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,780 I will make my presentation entertaining, all right? 124 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:26,534 With a one, and a two, and a 3.14159. 125 00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:30,121 Forgive me if it seems like I'm attacking, 126 00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:33,624 but I find the old IQ test badly lacking. 127 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,627 If you want to find out just what someone can do, 128 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:40,465 you need to learn that subject's P.V... 129 00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:42,008 Q! 130 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,468 ♪ ♪ 131 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,512 ♪ It tests for ♪ 132 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:50,141 ♪ Sympathy and empathy and group collaboration ♪ 133 00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:53,811 ♪ Artistry and neatness and complex socialization ♪ 134 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:57,273 ♪ And every single aspect of a personality ♪ 135 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,359 -♪ Hey, the P.V.Q. ♪ -(gasps) 136 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:03,446 ♪ Is A.O.K. with me ♪ (laughs) 137 00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:05,865 ♪ ♪ 138 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:08,951 ♪ It tests for sarcasm and prudence ♪ 139 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:11,120 ♪ Not if you're Isaac Newton ♪ 140 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,663 ♪ Confidence, ambition ♪ 141 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:14,457 ♪ And the teams for whom you're rootin' ♪ 142 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,584 ♪ So it's all the little foibles ♪ 143 00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:18,211 ♪ That can make a person whole ♪ 144 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,421 ♪ Trust the P.V.Q. ♪ 145 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:24,425 ♪ The yardstick for the soul ♪ 146 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,474 (exclaims) 147 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,643 ♪ Now, people, you're all geniuses ♪ 148 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:35,395 -Oh, please... -My, my, well, thank you. 149 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,355 ♪ You can see this is no lark ♪ 150 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:40,733 ♪ Emotional intelligence is needed for the ark ♪ 151 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,610 -Uh-huh. -Hmm... 152 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:50,660 ♪ ♪ 153 00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,745 ♪ You mean earnestness and ego ♪ 154 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:54,664 ♪ And if they make a mean burrito ♪ 155 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,457 ♪ And the social grace to know ♪ 156 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,668 ♪ When not to wear a Speedo ♪ 157 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,712 ♪ Every trait that integrates a winning personality ♪ 158 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,673 ♪ Yes, the P.V.Q. ♪ 159 00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:07,301 ♪ Is what we'll do to find out who ♪ 160 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,387 ♪ Will see us through ♪ 161 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:11,222 ♪ Yes, the P.V.Q. ♪ 162 00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,975 ♪ Is A.O.K. ♪ 163 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:17,228 ♪ With me... ♪ 164 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:20,189 Oivik! 165 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,483 Anyone have a song in rebuttal? 166 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,236 ♪ You got to have hear... ♪ 167 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:26,654 Oh, balderdash. 168 00:07:26,737 --> 00:07:28,072 We're going with this man's test. 169 00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:30,199 -Oh, wonderful. -To determine who is worthy 170 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,909 of a seat on my ark. 171 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:33,995 Uh, but, sir, how do we get everyone in town 172 00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:36,372 to take a test without telling them what it's about? 173 00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:41,919 Mandatory test. Mandatory test! 174 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:45,756 Mandatory for everyone not ringing a bell. 175 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,719 What's the point of this test again? 176 00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:51,387 The way I look at it, the more things 177 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,806 secret corporations know about us, the better, huh? 178 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,683 I like when drones show up bringing me things 179 00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:57,351 I needed but didn't know. 180 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:59,312 Hmm. 181 00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:01,105 Wow, I am out of deodorant. 182 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:02,315 We all knew. 183 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,484 Remove all stray marks. 184 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,694 Number two pencil only. 185 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,821 And for God's sake, relax! 186 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:11,574 This question asks about the price of underwear, 187 00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:14,452 as if I were some landed aristocrat. 188 00:08:14,535 --> 00:08:16,412 (quietly): Hey, can I copy off you? 189 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:17,705 Be my guest. 190 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,167 (laughs) 191 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,962 "Day is to night as early is to..." 192 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:27,340 Late. Booyah! 193 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,926 (groans) 194 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,427 Booyah! 195 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:34,096 (groans) 196 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,765 Booyah! 197 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:38,351 (groans) 198 00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:41,604 The one test I don't bring my earmuffs. 199 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:43,022 BROCKMAN (on TV): The results are in. 200 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:44,774 The newest and most accurate measure 201 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:47,568 of our intelligence on a scale from one to 500-- 202 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:49,570 500 being best. 203 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:52,073 -(singsongy): Boring. -Don't shut it off. 204 00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:53,574 I need my score. 205 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,660 (hyperventilating) 206 00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,370 (muffled): Thank you. 207 00:08:57,453 --> 00:08:59,914 Now we'll run everyone's scores past the screen really fast, 208 00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,582 from best to worst, trusting that you'll pause 209 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,584 at only your name. 210 00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:07,129 Pause it! 211 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,299 475, my sweet spot. Excellent. 212 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,968 But room to improve. 213 00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:17,348 What?! I am one below Ralph? Ralph? 214 00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:20,059 Honey, it doesn't mean Ralph's smarter than you. 215 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:23,688 It just means he's a more valuable person. 216 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:26,315 -Ralph? -Keep scrolling. 217 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,777 MARGE: Ooh, 311. 218 00:09:29,860 --> 00:09:32,405 Above average, but not enough to make people mad. 219 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:35,866 And, it's the number you call to complain about potholes. 220 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:39,787 Ooh. "H. Simpson: 265." 221 00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:41,497 Exactly the number of days in a year. 222 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,957 (chuckles) 223 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,001 Well, that's good. Let's change the channel. 224 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:46,544 But we don't know your score. 225 00:09:46,627 --> 00:09:48,963 Like I said, that's good. 226 00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:52,174 Hmm, not there. Not there. Not there. 227 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,219 (gasps) 228 00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:00,516 (sobbing) 229 00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:04,353 I don't need any test. 230 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:06,188 I'm street-smart. 231 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,440 (bicycle bell dinging) 232 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:08,983 Haw-haw! 233 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:15,698 I refuse to accept that my little guy has no future. 234 00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:18,326 He can learn how to put in adding machine tape. 235 00:10:18,409 --> 00:10:20,119 That's how I got through the Depression, 236 00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:22,622 and letting the FBI know which bugle boys 237 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,665 were about to turn boogie-woogie. 238 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:26,542 We're not giving up on Bart. 239 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,377 And I'm not giving up on you, Homer. 240 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,463 What, you're still trying? In what way? 241 00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:33,257 My will is 38 pages of me yelling at you. 242 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,051 Ooh, I'm in the will. 243 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,973 ORSON WELLES: Charles. Listen to me, Charles. 244 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,683 Not now, Satan. 245 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,935 I'm not Satan, I'm Orson Welles. 246 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:48,105 Satan would sell wine before its time. 247 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,776 Yes. Now, have you taken my warning seriously? 248 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:53,778 Oh, but I did. I've already started the ark. 249 00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,363 Very good. Now I must go. 250 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,657 God commissioned me to direct a rainbow, 251 00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,867 and I've spent half my budget on indigo. 252 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:02,703 The only answer is to play "red" myself. 253 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,997 -Smithers. Speed up production on the ark. -(bell rings) 254 00:11:05,081 --> 00:11:06,499 Put everyone on it. 255 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:09,126 Ply them with all the rum and salt it takes. 256 00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,719 -Eh, there's no nap like a scaffold nap. -(snoring) 257 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:22,556 Hey, what do you think we're building, anyway? 258 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,725 I'm betting it's a new Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 259 00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,686 Maybe this one will keep somebody out. 260 00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:29,980 How can Ralph score higher than me? 261 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:32,149 That's-that's just wrong. (chuckles) 262 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,944 But all my self-esteem comes from tests. 263 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:38,656 Should I really be pulling on this string? 264 00:11:38,739 --> 00:11:40,574 I am not worse than Ralph! 265 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,660 (shouts, grunts) 266 00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:45,830 -Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph. -Hi, Ralph. 267 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,039 Hi, Ralph. 268 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,917 I miss the string through my ears. 269 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:52,586 LISA: All right, Lisa. 270 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,089 Watch, do not judge. 271 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,259 What makes him superior? 272 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,555 (laughing) Whee! 273 00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,265 I'm okay. 274 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:08,477 WIGGUM (over phone): You have reached the Wiggum residence. 275 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,272 If Ralph is stuck in something, press one. 276 00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:14,024 If something is stuck in Ralph, press two. 277 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:17,611 If this is Ralph, Daddy is not in the phone. 278 00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:20,573 Do not open the phone looking for me. 279 00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,866 What are you doing? 280 00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:23,117 The only thing I'm good at. 281 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,201 Nothing. 282 00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,536 That tears it. 283 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,329 We're going to see Professor Frink, 284 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:30,249 and find out exactly what happened on that test. 285 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:31,667 Got a little present for you, Bart. 286 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:35,087 It's called The Bible For The Slow. Mm? 287 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,505 He's not going to take it. 288 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,340 Okily-dokily. 289 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:41,844 Professor Frink, your stupid test ruined my son's life. 290 00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:43,804 Hey, that test is like a son to me. 291 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,765 I raised it from a quiz. 292 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,475 I've known my son since he was born, 293 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,894 and he's not anywhere near as stupid 294 00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,812 as your stupid test says he is. 295 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:56,025 And if you think so, you're stupid, stupid, stupid! 296 00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,651 Wow, Marge. 297 00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:59,862 You really love Bart. 298 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:02,239 All right, all right, let me recheck it. 299 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,074 Uh, rechecking, rechecking. 300 00:13:04,158 --> 00:13:05,451 Put-upon sigh. 301 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,577 (sighs): Oivik. 302 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,746 Rechecking-- ah, here we are. 303 00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:10,122 Uh, Simpson, B. 304 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,793 That's not a "B." 305 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,294 FRINK: Well, yes, it is, you see, the two-- 306 00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,879 oh, my garvik! 307 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,923 There was a mistake. Well, your son 308 00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,841 has above-average intelligence. 309 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,176 You did it, boy. 310 00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:23,469 No, that just looks like a "B." 311 00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:25,971 The real unfortunate is H. Simpson. 312 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,932 (laughs): I mean, what a clod! 313 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:31,060 Worst handwriting and brain in town. 314 00:13:31,143 --> 00:13:32,061 -D'oh! -BART: Hey! 315 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,479 I'm H. Simpson. 316 00:13:33,562 --> 00:13:35,231 Oh, well, it's very nice to meet you. 317 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:36,440 Would you like some water? 318 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:37,483 -Smartwater? -No. 319 00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:38,609 (moans sadly) 320 00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:44,740 -Homie, aren't you coming? -FRINK: Bye-bye. 321 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,575 I can't. I'll be a laughing stock when everyone finds out 322 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,244 I'm the stupidest man in town. 323 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:49,453 How are they gonna find out? 324 00:13:49,537 --> 00:13:50,996 I just tweeted it. 325 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,999 Marge, you have to get ahead of these stories. 326 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,548 I'm sorry, sir, you belong here. 327 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,591 Oh! Oh. 328 00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:09,682 Look thou be true. 329 00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:11,225 Do not give dalliance. 330 00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:13,310 Too much of the rein. 331 00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,479 (muttering) 332 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:18,148 Why does Oscar skate in his trash can? 333 00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,483 It makes no sense! 334 00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,693 (moans) 335 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:23,612 I'll cheer up here. 336 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:26,991 One "stupid," please? 337 00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,826 Okay, you gave me $40. 338 00:14:28,909 --> 00:14:30,244 Here's two dollars back. 339 00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,288 Unless you want splash insurance. 340 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:34,081 -How much is that? -Another ten. 341 00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:35,291 Uh, here's $20. 342 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,251 And two more for you. 343 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:41,589 (humming) 344 00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,799 -(yelps) -Insurance doesn't cover entryway splashes. 345 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,217 D'oh! 346 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,929 Hey, Homer, uh, we was watching Jeopardy!, but, uh, 347 00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:51,974 tell you what, we'll just talk about shapes and colors now. 348 00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:54,184 I like blue rectangles. 349 00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:56,020 Rectangles. You know, Homer. 350 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:58,314 The ones with four sides. 351 00:14:58,397 --> 00:14:59,899 Listen, you. 352 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,735 I've known my shapes since I was 16! 353 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:05,779 Put him down, Homer, and I'll give you a cookie. 354 00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:07,489 That's a coaster. 355 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,116 Ooh! Dummy's wising up. 356 00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,160 I'll take the cookie. 357 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:15,205 I never thought I'd say this, but I'm too depressed for Moe's. 358 00:15:21,378 --> 00:15:22,671 MOE: Heya, Homer. 359 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,883 I'm sorry. I know I'm taking up too much of the bed. 360 00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,843 Oh, sweetie. 361 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:31,138 What the entire world thinks doesn't affect how I see you. 362 00:15:31,221 --> 00:15:32,973 Well, how do you see me? 363 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:36,727 The hair and body of a dashing Friar Tuck. 364 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,730 Ooh. (moaning) 365 00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:41,357 But what about my brains? 366 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,734 My favorite character in The Wizard of Oz 367 00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,695 was always the Scarecrow. 368 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,364 I knew it. Thanks to that test, 369 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,282 you see me as stupid first and Homer third. 370 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,659 I mean, second. 371 00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:52,701 I know second. 372 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:53,994 I won't let you give up. 373 00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,205 We're going to start improving you. 374 00:15:56,288 --> 00:15:58,207 Oh, Marge. No one ever did anything useful 375 00:15:58,290 --> 00:15:59,833 after the age of 39. 376 00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,669 George W. Bush sobered up. 377 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,170 And became president. 378 00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,755 Too huge mistakes. 379 00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:06,465 Homie, this whole mix-up happened 380 00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,592 because of your sloppy handwriting. 381 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,470 We'll start with that, improving your handwriting. 382 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:15,265 Right now, my hand just wants to crawl in my pocket and cry. 383 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:18,519 Now this hand is jealous. 384 00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:19,895 Mwah. 385 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,647 I know where this is going. 386 00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,526 Um, I do, too, but you say it first. 387 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,111 Snuggling. 388 00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:28,696 (gasps) Ooh. 389 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,157 (Ralph humming) 390 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:35,661 What is his secret? What is his secret?! 391 00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:37,913 I'm going to Dizzyland. 392 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,999 ♪ ♪ 393 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,506 Want to see me do a cartwheel? 394 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:49,425 -No! No, no, no! -Good point. 395 00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:52,261 On the other hand, whee! (giggles) 396 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,929 (tires screech) 397 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,015 Don't worry, Lou, I've seen that in cartoons. 398 00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:59,018 Swee'Pea, Mr. Magoo, they were fine. 399 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:00,602 What about Sylvester the Cat? 400 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:02,813 Never be a cat in a cartoon, Lou. 401 00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:04,064 Never. 402 00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:08,110 -(Lisa screams) -(Ralph laughs) 403 00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,448 LISA: The beam must have a fulcrum I can move to 404 00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,615 that would stabilize it. 405 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,784 Think, Lisa, think. 406 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:19,204 (ship horn blows) 407 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,581 Oh! (panting) 408 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,002 (bicycle bell dinging) 409 00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:27,087 Two for two. 410 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:32,342 Young man, didn't I tell you to sit and stay in that house? 411 00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,344 I thought you were talking to the dog. 412 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:35,804 We don't have a dog. 413 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,681 Then what's been pooping in my bedroom? 414 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:41,810 Professor, how on Earth did he get a higher score than me? 415 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,647 Okay, Lisa, I am going to give you ten more points 416 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,067 for one of the most important skills of all: 417 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,695 discovering huge flaws in my test without telling anyone. 418 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,572 (laughs) 419 00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,158 You mean, after all this, after all I've gone through, 420 00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:59,912 you're just gonna fudge my score and I should be happy? 421 00:17:59,995 --> 00:18:02,247 Well, after all, that's how I got into, uh... 422 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,999 Oh, I can't say it. 423 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,334 The lowest of the Ivys. 424 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,002 Oh, God, help me-- Cornell! 425 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,170 Cornell! God! 426 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,338 It's okay, you're fine. 427 00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,006 Oh, gloyvik. 428 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,841 Okay, Homie, buckle up. 429 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,386 Because there's no limit to how neat your handwriting can get. 430 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:17,763 Marge, I don't know. 431 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,848 You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 432 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,227 (harmonica playing) 433 00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:24,603 I'll help you. 434 00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:26,855 ♪ Whoa ♪ 435 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,525 ♪ My love... ♪ 436 00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:32,361 Lisa, turn off that oldies station! 437 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:34,071 -♪ My darl... ♪ -(music stops) 438 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,554 HOMER: Dearest Marjorie, 439 00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:01,473 what words are adequate to describe your beauty? 440 00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:04,810 Like, a bowling ball, fresh out of a polisher. 441 00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:05,978 Oh. 442 00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:07,396 I've always dreamed 443 00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:11,358 Homie would write me cursive love letters. 444 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,242 HOMER: You are as beautiful as your sisters are hideous. 445 00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:22,536 Oh... 446 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,998 ♪ ♪ 447 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,335 Oh, Homie. 448 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,962 Mwah. Oh. 449 00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:34,423 I'm married to a writer. 450 00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:35,757 I really am. 451 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:36,842 (snores) 452 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,683 Welcome, all of you. 453 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,685 You are the chosen people. 454 00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:49,229 Chosen to be my slaves. 455 00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,190 I am no one's slave. 456 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:52,441 Well, doesn't matter what you think. 457 00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:53,775 The doors are sealed. 458 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,986 Not this one. 459 00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,947 Wait, wait, you haven't heard about the retirement plan. 460 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,325 There isn't one. 461 00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:02,659 Fine, I don't need them. 462 00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,453 I don't need anyone. 463 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:11,210 Oh. Why did you have me go back for your slippers? 464 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,629 How could you turn on me so quickly? 465 00:20:59,049 --> 00:21:01,051 Shh! 466 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,931 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH