1 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:06,006 (caws) 2 00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:08,091 ♪ ♪ 3 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,761 (exclaims) 4 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,893 (school bell rings) 5 00:00:21,104 --> 00:00:22,022 (burps) 6 00:00:22,105 --> 00:00:24,190 (whistle blows) 7 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,775 (yells) 8 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,239 (beeps) 9 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,870 ♪ ♪ 10 00:00:36,953 --> 00:00:38,955 (playing lively jazz music) 11 00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:44,794 (tires screech) 12 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:48,882 D'oh! 13 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:50,467 (grunts) 14 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,431 D'oh! 15 00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,516 ♪ ♪ 16 00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,815 ♪ ♪ 17 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,942 ♪ They fought for years ♪ 18 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,527 ♪ With guns and garden shears ♪ 19 00:01:09,611 --> 00:01:13,198 ♪ Years, years, years, tears, tears, tears ♪ 20 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,991 -♪ It's the Itchy and Scratchy ♪ -(grunts) 21 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,827 ♪ Marathon! ♪ 22 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,246 (cheering, whooping) 23 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,546 KRUSTY (tiredly): Episode 10,432: 24 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,215 "Leave It To Cleaver." 25 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,510 (yowling) 26 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:37,180 ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by delicious Cream of Rye. 27 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,015 (weary chuckling) 28 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,725 Which one's the cat? 29 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,479 Okay. (yawns) 30 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,815 Hour 14 of our marathon. 31 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:50,985 Now let's watch Episode 10,433: 32 00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,196 "Cat Scratch Cleaver"! 33 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,031 Enough with the cartoons. 34 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,574 You'll rot your brains. 35 00:01:56,658 --> 00:02:00,161 (Homer and Bart mumbling) 36 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,579 HOMER: Leave brain alone. 37 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:05,333 Ugh, I've been watching so much TV I can't move my head. 38 00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,043 -I'll fix him. -Careful, Dad! 39 00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,712 If I'd have been careful, I wouldn't have had you. 40 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,005 -(crack) -(grunts) -Ooh! 41 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,006 (grunts) 42 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:13,383 Eh? Eh? 43 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:15,218 -(Marge growls) -(neck cracks) 44 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,220 Now I can't go to school. Or church. 45 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:19,347 Hallelujah! Aah! 46 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,724 We're going to spend family time together 47 00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,726 without watching TV. 48 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:24,727 Mom is right. 49 00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,855 Americans watch way too much TV. 50 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,690 How many hours? Let me Google that. 51 00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:32,068 Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B. 52 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,987 (hoots) Let me Google that. 53 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,240 Turn off the devices, pronto! 54 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:38,575 Pronto. Odd word. 55 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,243 -Let me Google that. -Mm. Mm. 56 00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,203 Hey, I'm doing something educational. 57 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:43,872 Educational, my foot. 58 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,540 I saw pixels. 59 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,083 It's TunnelCraft. 60 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:50,253 A simulated world where you explore, mine resources, 61 00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:52,964 and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings. 62 00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:54,132 Can you die in it? 63 00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,259 -Yes. -It's a video game. 64 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:58,303 I got a family activity for ya. 65 00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:00,889 In the Depression, we'd sit around the wood stove 66 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,433 and sing songs about poverty. 67 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,810 ♪ Old poor Joe, the starving boy ♪ 68 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,645 ♪ Had worms burrow in his feet ♪ 69 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,481 ♪ He heard there was work in Portland ♪ 70 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:12,442 ♪ But sadly he heard wrong ♪ 71 00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:15,278 ♪ Oh, the railroad bulls, they rousted him ♪ 72 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:17,405 ♪ And stuck him in a sack ♪ 73 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:19,616 ♪ They tied him to the train ♪ 74 00:03:19,699 --> 00:03:21,576 ♪ And pulled him down the track ♪ 75 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:23,453 ♪ They threw him off the bridge ♪ 76 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:25,121 ♪ And they kicked him in the head and they... ♪ 77 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,289 Enough! 78 00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:27,749 -I know what we're going to do. -Huh? 79 00:03:27,832 --> 00:03:28,833 -Aw. -We're going to go out. 80 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,168 We're going to get some books 81 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:32,003 and we're going to read those books. 82 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:33,922 This is the very last chance 83 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:36,633 for this family to get reading in their lives. 84 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,885 So get on your feet, bubs. 85 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:40,094 (groaning) 86 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,513 We are taking a walk. 87 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:43,973 (moans) 88 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:44,974 To the library. 89 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,309 (moans louder) 90 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:47,685 Where you'll have to be quiet. 91 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,020 (moans very quietly) 92 00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:51,522 Wait, you're closing? 93 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,608 You wanna read? Start with the sign. 94 00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,277 Oh, can't we just go in for five minutes? 95 00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,654 Up to you. 96 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,864 But after 2:00, the silverfish take over. 97 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:01,824 Ah! 98 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,743 I just wanted to renew my card! 99 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:12,794 Hmm. DVDs, plush toys, crullers-- 100 00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:14,629 I don't see many books. 101 00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:17,340 Yeah, the only actual books are coffee table books. 102 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,050 Barn Doors of Topeka, 103 00:04:19,133 --> 00:04:20,510 Dogs Eating Ice Cream, 104 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,679 Jigsaw Puzzles with One Piece Missing, 105 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,180 Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon... 106 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,684 Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a bookstore. 107 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,560 Amazon! Of course! 108 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,562 Alexa! 109 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,314 Order books! 110 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,732 ALEXA (on phone): I already did. 111 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,401 Your mind is open to me. 112 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,902 They'll be home before I am. 113 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,904 (sniffles, moans) 114 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,739 Ma'am, if you really want to read, 115 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:43,533 check out our proprietary e-reader: 116 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,159 the Bookaccino "Niche." 117 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,202 Um, excuse me. 118 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,162 That device is poorly designed. 119 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,539 I would register my disgust, 120 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,666 but it corrects with auto praise. 121 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:54,711 Hmm. 122 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:55,795 Ugh! 123 00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,883 MARGE: Finally, a bookstore that sells books. 124 00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,511 (Homer grunts, strains) 125 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:05,263 -HOMER: Oh, oatmeal. -I love the smell of old books. 126 00:05:05,346 --> 00:05:07,265 (inhales) Ah... 127 00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:08,349 Wouldn't do that, miss. 128 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:09,726 The air in here 129 00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,227 has a lot of particulate rat droppings. 130 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,228 Ugh! 131 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,396 Okay. 132 00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,689 Let's book up and bug out. 133 00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,232 Here you go, Bart: 134 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,608 The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. 135 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,569 Maggie: In Cold Blood. 136 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,904 Lisa: With No Apologies: The Memoirs of Barry Goldwater. 137 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,240 (sucking faster and faster) 138 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,534 Lisa, look! 139 00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:30,246 The Princess in the Garden, by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell. 140 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,289 Hmm. 141 00:05:31,372 --> 00:05:32,957 It's my very favorite book 142 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,417 from when I was a girl. 143 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:35,752 It's for ages ten and up, 144 00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,086 but I think you're ready. 145 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,671 If you think so. 146 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:44,719 Wait a minute. 147 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,471 One bar... two bars... 148 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,722 five bars. 149 00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:49,265 You're not reading a book. 150 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,642 -You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot! -Dad, please. 151 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,728 I'm trying to reserve tickets to TunnelCraft-Con. 152 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,482 What? What the hell is that? 153 00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,108 Uh, duh, it's a convention 154 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,485 for kids who play TunnelCraft. 155 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,236 It's got skins, betas, mods-- 156 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,405 exclusive access to the top devs. 157 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,574 No convention. And that's almost final. 158 00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,743 But I'm dying to go, fatso. 159 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:11,329 -Now it is final! -(grunts) 160 00:06:12,663 --> 00:06:14,332 What do you have for a kid 161 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:16,167 who wishes his father was dead? 162 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,586 Try this. The Art of War, 163 00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,964 written 3,000 years ago by General Sun Tzu. 164 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,301 Well, there's "war" in the title and very few pages. 165 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,303 The only flaw is it's a book. 166 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:31,599 Young man, are you sure you want war with your father? 167 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,520 Mmm. Mm-hmm. 168 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,480 I do not seek war, 169 00:06:37,563 --> 00:06:39,816 but neither do I turn away. 170 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:42,360 ♪ ♪ 171 00:06:42,443 --> 00:06:44,278 If you use this book, 172 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:49,033 your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace. 173 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:51,160 (laughs) 174 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,204 Oh, mighty general! 175 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:56,165 I beg to be your unworthy footstool. 176 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,626 When he sleeps, I will steal the jewels from his topknot. 177 00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,002 (cackles) 178 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,005 Hey, Mom, I found something to read! 179 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,841 Wonderful! 180 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,843 What a great family day. 181 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:09,387 And there is only one perfect way 182 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,390 to complete a great family day. 183 00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:13,975 So, how's the family? 184 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,477 I think they went to dinner. Something nice. 185 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,530 (gasps) Nelson's coming our way. 186 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,698 (moans) 187 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,658 My nose is pre-bleeding. 188 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,244 I'm picking on Bart. 189 00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,829 You like books, huh? 190 00:07:34,912 --> 00:07:37,373 Well, here's a bookmark. 191 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:41,878 If your enemy is easily enraged, irritate him. 192 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,504 I heard you're not strong, you're just fat. 193 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,173 Fat? Me? 194 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,550 You try eating healthy at a strip club buffet! 195 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:48,843 Oh! 196 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:53,347 Whoa! Willy! 197 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,724 -(knocking on door) -Get me out of here! 198 00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,603 -(bagpipes playing over earbuds) -It's on fire! Willy! 199 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,608 Hmm. Maybe wisdom isn't so stupid after all. 200 00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:06,569 Milhouse, I'm gonna use this book to go to TunnelCraft-Con. 201 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,237 Here's the book I'm reading. 202 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,739 When I finish this, 203 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:12,617 I'll have read every Mary Kate and Ashley book. 204 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:15,495 Sometimes I feel like the third sister. 205 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,787 (owl hooting) 206 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:17,788 Ooh. 207 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:20,082 He opposed the religious right. 208 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:23,586 Okay, this is my favorite book ever, but no pressure. 209 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:25,254 You realize saying "no pressure" 210 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,465 puts me under tremendous pressure. 211 00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,468 Then let's get started. 212 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,594 "Not all English girls 213 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:32,970 "grow up in England. 214 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,889 "Clara grew up in South America 215 00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:37,975 "where she was raised by many native servants. 216 00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:41,938 But they were too naturally servile to oppose her will." 217 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,856 -Hmm. -LISA: "Naturally" what? 218 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:46,943 (British accent): Uncle Juan? 219 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:49,946 Would you clap as I dance? 220 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,323 Rhythm... rhythm... 221 00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:55,535 (sharply): Mind the rhythm or you'll feel the lash! 222 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:58,829 -(gasps) -Mom, why'd you stop reading? 223 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,999 It's just a little different than I remembered. 224 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:03,292 Let's skip ahead. 225 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,462 A father murdered by loco banana picker, 226 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,340 Clara baptizing savages without their permission... 227 00:09:09,423 --> 00:09:11,342 Oh, okay, okay, here we go. 228 00:09:11,425 --> 00:09:13,177 Clara is now an orphan 229 00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,138 and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills. 230 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,974 She meets a boy named Conor. 231 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:21,352 Like all Irish, he was feeble-witted and drunk. 232 00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:24,814 (Irish accent): This is the part you deem acceptable? 233 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,191 The Irish are nobody's joke anymore. 234 00:09:27,275 --> 00:09:29,193 ♪ Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! ♪ 235 00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:32,154 CONOR: I'm goin' on a hunger strike in here! 236 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,324 (moans) So weak. So weak... 237 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,701 -Yah-hah! -(screams) 238 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:39,328 Another childhood classic bites the dust. 239 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,122 Is that a coolie hat? 240 00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,165 Nighty-night! 241 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:47,253 I bet my booklight is shining on something offensive. 242 00:09:47,336 --> 00:09:48,838 MARGE: Oh... 243 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:50,464 Darn it. 244 00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,218 Oh... (grunts) 245 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,847 Heloise Hodgeson Burwell? 246 00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,057 (British accent): Why did you stop reading my book? 247 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:02,518 Your daughter is just the kind of girl I wrote it for-- 248 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,521 -obedient, well-fed and white. -Shh! 249 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,356 (upper-class British accent): Oh, calm yourself, Marge. 250 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,567 Dreams are where it's okay to be racist. 251 00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:11,193 Rudyard Kipling! 252 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:14,030 Yes. You should read my first draft of The Jungle Book. 253 00:10:14,113 --> 00:10:16,032 At the end, Mowgli uses his elephants 254 00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:19,827 to stomp out some Hindus seeking limited voting rights. 255 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,912 All in good fun. 256 00:10:23,247 --> 00:10:26,042 Marge, I suppose you could edit my book 257 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,044 to your daughter's sensibilities. 258 00:10:28,127 --> 00:10:30,588 Wow. An author that wants rewrites. 259 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:33,466 Well, that's what makes this a dream. 260 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:35,968 Now the war begins. 261 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,553 MILHOUSE: Not yet! 262 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,221 I haven't finished my costume. 263 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:43,643 I'm doing period sewing with bird bones as needles. 264 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,772 ♪ ♪ 265 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,565 LENNY: Wait. 266 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,233 Why do you want me to text you 267 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,819 when your father's getting in the car? 268 00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:58,240 That's none of your business-- but let's just say 269 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,576 both of us will benefit. 270 00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,203 (gasps) A trombone mute? 271 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:04,080 But I don't have a trombone. 272 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,207 Open the other box. 273 00:11:06,290 --> 00:11:07,625 Oh, my God! 274 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:09,710 ♪ ♪ 275 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,676 -(gong crashes) -(gasping) 276 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,927 (Bart laughing) 277 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,598 All right, Simpson, blow into this. 278 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,101 Now make it into a rabbit. 279 00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,603 All right. Ralphie's birthday is today, 280 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,647 and you're the entertainment. 281 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,024 (Homer groans) 282 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,276 What's going on? It's like someone's out to get me. 283 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,986 I have to be focused and careful. 284 00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:39,115 Nothing will break my concen... Ooh! Wild milk ball. 285 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:40,866 (chomping) 286 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:46,288 (gulping) 287 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,252 ♪ ♪ 288 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:53,754 Bart! You're behind this? 289 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:57,591 That's right. And it looks like someone is stuck in the mud. 290 00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,719 (shrieks) Help me, boy! 291 00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:03,305 I will save you if you do what I say from now on... 292 00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:06,058 starting with going to TunnelCraft-Con. 293 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,643 Sure. Just pull me out 294 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:09,979 by your sneaky little neck! 295 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,231 (Homer grunting) 296 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:13,649 (moans) 297 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,693 Just be aware that if something happens to me, 298 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,529 Mom finds out about your secret stash of Drake's Cakes. 299 00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:19,780 What secret stash? 300 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:22,992 Pier 18, shipping container number 4-7-9-5-2. 301 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:24,827 D'oh! 302 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,997 I was offered a deal and I took it. Okay, I give. 303 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,832 Louder, dog! 304 00:12:29,915 --> 00:12:31,417 Okay! 305 00:12:34,336 --> 00:12:35,629 (gasping) 306 00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:39,216 Huh. You really think you can control me? 307 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,177 Malted milk ball. 308 00:12:41,260 --> 00:12:42,887 Ooh! 309 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:53,397 (Marge panting) 310 00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,192 Okay. Here's a new version 311 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:58,986 of The Princess in the Garden. 312 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:00,529 (tired sigh) 313 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,698 -Mom, you're exhausted. -It takes a lot of work 314 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,367 to take the spirit and character out of a book. 315 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:09,705 But now it's as inoffensive as a Sunday in Cincinnati. 316 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,208 "Once there was a cisgender girl named Clara. 317 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:14,210 "She lived in South America, 318 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:16,378 "fighting for wild horse rescue... 319 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,714 (neighing) 320 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,716 ...and net neutrality." 321 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,218 (electrical buzzing) 322 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:23,886 LISA: This new Clara 323 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,222 sounds like she starts out pretty perfect. 324 00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,723 You betcha! 325 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767 But since she's already evolved, 326 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:32,728 she doesn't really have an emotional journey to complete. 327 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:36,398 -Nope. -Kind of means there's no point to the book. 328 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,234 Well, what am I supposed to do? 329 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,777 It's hard to say. 330 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,779 Something that started decades ago 331 00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:43,739 and was applauded and inoffensive, 332 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,741 is now politically incorrect. 333 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,409 What can you do? 334 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,412 Some things will be dealt with at a later date. 335 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,748 If at all. 336 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,251 -Hey, Simpsons. We'll see you in church. -Not today you won't. 337 00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,253 Oh. Well, we'll say a prayer for you. 338 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,129 Don't mention my name, weirdo. 339 00:14:01,006 --> 00:14:02,800 Dear Lord, forgive that boy. 340 00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:05,094 He knows not what he says. 341 00:14:05,177 --> 00:14:08,973 (aggravated groan) What does that weirdo want now? 342 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:10,683 ♪ ♪ 343 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,037 (cheering, whooping) 344 00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:34,415 Ow! 345 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:38,460 My feet hurt. There's too much cosplay, 346 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:39,962 whatever that is. 347 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:42,131 -Can we go home? -Quiet, you. 348 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,465 It's the two greatest TunnelCraft players 349 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,675 of all time! 350 00:14:44,758 --> 00:14:46,594 Those guys make awesome videos 351 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,721 where they play TunnelCraft together. 352 00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,472 Has the world gone mad? 353 00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,225 Their banter is legendary. 354 00:14:53,309 --> 00:14:54,310 -Got that? -Yeah. 355 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,311 -Go left. -Right. 356 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,146 -Left. Go right. -Right. 357 00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,147 -Dig. -Dig. 358 00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,148 Dig. 359 00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:00,316 -Dig. -Cool. 360 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,817 That's why they call me Tunnel-Rat. 361 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,485 -I'm Tunnel-Rat. -Oh, right. 362 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,404 -Oh-ho... -Oh, awesome! 363 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:09,325 -What the...? -Calm down. 364 00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,160 It's me, Daniel Radcliffe. 365 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:13,662 This is how I see conventions: incognito. 366 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,664 Otherwise the fans envelope me. 367 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,249 Oh, that's ridiculous! 368 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:18,667 Daniel Radcliffe! 369 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,336 He knows Rupert Grint! 370 00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:21,629 Yes, I do. He's lovely. 371 00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,089 Oh! Oh, God! What are you... Aah! Aah! 372 00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:26,550 I loved him. 373 00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,177 Please, can we go now? 374 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,137 No! You wait in the poster-signing line. 375 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,139 And don't sign them yourself. 376 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,058 I'll know. 377 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:36,518 Milhouse, by God, 378 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:40,481 if you want a ride home, you tell me what Bart's up to. 379 00:15:40,564 --> 00:15:42,274 Okay. Bart's been using 380 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,485 an ancient Chinese book against you. 381 00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:47,279 I knew it. Except for the ancient Chinese book part, 382 00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,530 I knew it! 383 00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:50,616 ♪ ♪ 384 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,871 Why are you bringing me here? 385 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,207 These professors have some very interesting news for you 386 00:15:58,290 --> 00:16:00,042 about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell. 387 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,127 Meanwhile, I'll sit on this chair 388 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,213 and imagine I'm grading papers. 389 00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,131 (hums a tune) Ah. 390 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,509 Ah, Marge Simpson, the fan of Burwell. 391 00:16:08,592 --> 00:16:10,552 (chuckles) We are all Burwelleans. 392 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:13,222 You don't mind that her books are a little... 393 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,057 grandma on the veranda? 394 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:19,186 Marge, Burwell's whole life was a protest against conformity. 395 00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:21,689 -Yeah, she never married. -Had no children. 396 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:24,400 She lived in Provincetown, Mass... 397 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,652 a-chu-setts. 398 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:29,989 Heloise Burwell is a lesbian icon! 399 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,074 Her "offensive" stereotypes 400 00:16:32,157 --> 00:16:35,327 were actually a self-consciously ironic protest 401 00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:37,413 against her own oppression. 402 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:40,124 How much of that do you actually believe? 403 00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:41,959 Mmm... most. 404 00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,544 So much to take in. 405 00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:45,629 How do you deal with it all? 406 00:16:45,713 --> 00:16:47,506 With the help of sherry. 407 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:50,759 Yes. Sherry, bring in the hard liquor, please. 408 00:16:53,303 --> 00:16:54,596 (grunts, gasps) 409 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,599 Okay. Now you can ask me about Lewis Carroll. 410 00:16:58,475 --> 00:17:02,062 ♪ ♪ 411 00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:06,025 Remember: all warfare is deception. 412 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,693 Shut up. 413 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:10,112 I'm trying to fool my kid. 414 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:16,577 Bart, son, if you don't mind, I brought a friend over. 415 00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:17,828 Mm-hmm. 416 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:18,912 Flanders?! 417 00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:20,706 Great to be here, pal-o-mino. 418 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:22,458 I brought some potent grass 419 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,626 that'll get this party started. Bluegrass! 420 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,463 ♪ Chicken's in the henhouse, pig is in the poke ♪ 421 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,590 ♪ The whole dang farm feels okily-doke ♪ 422 00:17:29,673 --> 00:17:31,633 ♪ Goin' up to Cripple Creek, swimmin' fully dressed ♪ 423 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:34,386 ♪ Not being naked, oh, that's the best. ♪ 424 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:38,348 Mr. Flanders. Again? 425 00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:39,641 No siree, Bart! 426 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,268 It's me, your Homereeno! 427 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:42,644 Morning, friend-till-the-end. 428 00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:45,147 Ready to greet the day with a big ho-hey? 429 00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:48,817 Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy, 'cause I'm ready to roll! 430 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,402 Then let's hi-diddley-go! 431 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,238 If anyone can do it, it's we two-it! 432 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,449 -Yes, indeedle, doddily... -Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily. 433 00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:58,577 (both singing Flanders gibberish) 434 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,872 Oh, my God. He's even gone left-handed. 435 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,834 Now we're gonna take you to a movie rated R 436 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,836 for "really old and boring." 437 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,505 (aggravated groan) 438 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:12,508 (orchestral waltz playing) 439 00:18:12,591 --> 00:18:13,884 (projector clicking) 440 00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:19,348 ♪ ♪ 441 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:31,193 (laughter) 442 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:34,279 Oh, no, he daren't! (chuckles) 443 00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:38,617 Dad, please, isn't there any way to get the old Homer back? 444 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,537 Well, now, Bartly, why would you want that balding boob... 445 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,372 (gasps) Ooh, I said "boob"! 446 00:18:43,455 --> 00:18:45,207 Uh-oh. Time for me to do a turtle. 447 00:18:45,290 --> 00:18:47,376 I'll come out when the B-bombs stop flying. 448 00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:49,837 Please, I want my dad-- not this horrible creature 449 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,047 from the depths of Heaven you've become. 450 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,715 If you truly surrender, 451 00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,218 give me your Halloween candy. 452 00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:57,719 But it's March. 453 00:18:57,803 --> 00:18:59,638 Most of it's still good. 454 00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:00,806 Fine. 455 00:19:00,889 --> 00:19:02,683 Now, bow to your master, 456 00:19:02,766 --> 00:19:04,726 because you are the fool, 457 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,896 and I, the greater fool! 458 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,065 Dad! You read the book, too? 459 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,317 Up to page five. 460 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,404 Now, come here, son, and grab some belly. 461 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,780 (chuckles): Aw. 462 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:19,741 Excuse me. These films are original nitrate prints. 463 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:23,370 Which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire. 464 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,997 You have seconds to escape! 465 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:27,916 (organ plays fanfare) 466 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,669 They never tell the organist. 467 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:36,049 (lively piano rag playing) 468 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,316 Hmm, so that film is a hundred years old? 469 00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:55,110 No. We shot it at my place yesterday. 470 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,075 ♪ Well, now it's time to say good-bye ♪ 471 00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:03,952 ♪ To Ned and Rod and Todd ♪ 472 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:07,706 ♪ And I'll remind all you folks you should be praisin' God ♪ 473 00:20:07,789 --> 00:20:11,168 ♪ If you don't, you'll rot in Hell for all eternity ♪ 474 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:15,130 ♪ It's all a part of God's great love he has for you and me. ♪ 475 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,007 Y'all come back, now. Y'hear? 476 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,550 Shh! 477 00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,973 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH