1 00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:11,594 (exclaiming) 2 00:00:14,764 --> 00:00:15,849 -Mmm. -Worth it. 3 00:00:15,932 --> 00:00:18,476 -Totally worth it. -Again! 4 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,562 ♪ ♪ 5 00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,568 MARGE: Dinnertime! 6 00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:28,862 Dad, are you gonna watch the solar eclipse? 7 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,406 Sorry, but this is pork chop night. 8 00:00:33,241 --> 00:00:35,410 ♪ ♪ 9 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:38,788 OTHERS: Ooh! 10 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:39,956 LISA: Ah! 11 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,750 Way to go, God! 12 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:44,836 Huh? 13 00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:46,254 (shouting) 14 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:49,340 Aah! My eyes! 15 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,384 I told you to use the cardboard box! 16 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,137 I thought you meant for standing on. 17 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,644 Marge, you gonna eat that piece of burnt gristle? 18 00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,521 -No. -Whoo-hoo! 19 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,398 -(chewing noisily) -Homer! 20 00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,984 Did you pour fry pan grease into the milk carton? 21 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,361 -Yes, but it's not for... -Just a splash for my coffee. 22 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,406 (groans) I wanted to watch the eclipse with you. 23 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,533 I can only imagine what you've got planned 24 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,368 for date night tomorrow. 25 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:20,330 Date night?! Marge, if we're still dating, 26 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:22,832 why in the world do we have these kids? 27 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,334 -What? (groans) -Hmm? 28 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:25,960 Hey! 29 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,922 You need to make me feel you're as smitten with me 30 00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,715 as you were when we met. 31 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:33,218 Marge, darling, you mean as much to me 32 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,928 as the sun and the moon. 33 00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:37,722 There was an eclipse of the sun by the moon, 34 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,891 and you didn't even walk outside. 35 00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,352 Come on, Marge, you can't be that mad. 36 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,770 -(grumbling) -Uh-oh. 37 00:01:45,146 --> 00:01:48,900 (groans) Marge wants a date night this Saturday. 38 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:50,443 You think you've got problems? 39 00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:53,363 I'm really not liking this new bar mix. 40 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,242 This Saturday? Is she crazy? 41 00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:59,494 That's when we spray nitrous in the ant farm 42 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:00,912 and watch 'em go nuts. 43 00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,705 Yeah, here's a taste. 44 00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:06,417 Stupid ants. 45 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,670 Maybe I could have a date night here. 46 00:02:08,753 --> 00:02:10,421 Sure. I'll make it nice. 47 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,674 Take the paint cans out of the ladies' room, 48 00:02:12,757 --> 00:02:15,260 just like the Waldorf Hysteria there. 49 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:18,263 I don't know what to do. I want it to be perfect. 50 00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:21,516 I've spent so long ignoring how she thinks and feels. 51 00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,726 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real crotch-22 there. 52 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,396 You know, Moe, a lot of what you think you're saying, 53 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,814 you're not really saying. 54 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,816 Well, I got to admit, I've been doing 55 00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,402 a little of this nitrous myself. (chuckles) 56 00:02:32,485 --> 00:02:33,611 (inhales) 57 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:36,489 Oh. (chuckles) 58 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:37,991 (slurring): Stupid ants. 59 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:39,993 (cackles) 60 00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:42,912 ♪ ♪ 61 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:47,333 ♪ My funny valentine ♪ 62 00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:51,588 ♪ Sweet comic valentine ♪ 63 00:02:53,756 --> 00:02:58,136 ♪ You make me smile ♪ 64 00:02:58,219 --> 00:03:00,847 ♪ With my heart ♪ 65 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:07,687 ♪ Your looks are laughable. ♪ 66 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:09,189 Aw. 67 00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,024 You didn't have to do that. 68 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:13,776 That and much, much more. 69 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,905 Huh? Huh? 70 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,364 (laughs) 71 00:03:19,782 --> 00:03:21,367 Corkage fee. 72 00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:22,702 $30 dollars? 73 00:03:22,785 --> 00:03:24,579 Corkage is the sum we charge 74 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:26,497 for opening the wine you bring, sir. 75 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:29,292 30 bucks to open a box?! 76 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:31,586 I mean, nothing's too good for this lady. 77 00:03:31,669 --> 00:03:34,547 -Play the violin. -I am just a waiter, sir. 78 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:37,133 I said play the violin. 79 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,012 (playing off-key) 80 00:03:43,806 --> 00:03:46,809 (playing classical music) 81 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,314 ♪ ♪ 82 00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:58,571 (laughs) After dinner drinks. 83 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:01,115 I feel like Mrs. Remington Steele. 84 00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:06,037 ♪ Con te partiro ♪ 85 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,290 ♪ Paesi ♪ 86 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,501 ♪ Che non ho mai... ♪ 87 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,505 (both moaning) 88 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:17,590 (Grampa snoring) 89 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:21,636 I want you. I want you! 90 00:04:21,719 --> 00:04:23,930 And I want you. Only you. 91 00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,933 Oh. 92 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,102 Ooh. 93 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:32,105 (moans): Oh. 94 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:33,940 What the...? 95 00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,942 (knock on door) 96 00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:39,153 -(knocking continues) -(Homer grunting) 97 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:43,366 Oh. Sweetie, I-I think you'd better see who it is. 98 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,619 -(sighs) -Homer, I know it's late 99 00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:48,746 and you've got your "Keep Out, Flanders" sign up, 100 00:04:48,830 --> 00:04:51,708 but, uh, I'm sorry, I-I... (sobs) 101 00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,668 (sniffles) I'm feeling mighty low, sir. 102 00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:56,796 -MARGE: Who is it, Homie? -It's stupid no one. 103 00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:58,840 Flanders? What's wrong? 104 00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:01,009 Marge, it's date night! 105 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,885 That's a made-up thing. 106 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:05,388 FLANDERS: Mmm-mmm. 107 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,140 Lukewarm water. If I close my eyes, 108 00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:08,891 I can pretend I'm at the dentist. 109 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,351 (slurps, sighs) 110 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,353 Afterwards, I'll grab some Flintstone vitamins 111 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,147 and try to knock myself out. 112 00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:15,732 Half a Bamm-Bamm should do it. 113 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,191 Ned, what happened? 114 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:18,901 (sighs) I'm out of work. 115 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:21,612 The Leftorium is no-morium. 116 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:25,116 Hey, Ned. I can't hack it anymore. 117 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:27,076 You want to buy my side of the kiosk? 118 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,412 I'll get all the people coming out of Sears! 119 00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:32,206 But I got squat. 120 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,919 People are getting all their southpaw sundries online. 121 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,464 All I was getting were right-handed college students 122 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:41,257 who wanted to experiment. 123 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:42,759 Don't worry, Ned. 124 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:45,595 Homer will tell you how to get a job at the plant. 125 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,555 -I will? -Yes, you will. 126 00:05:47,638 --> 00:05:50,391 -Because it's date night. -You said that wasn't a thing. 127 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,436 -Let's not fight on date night. -Oh, all right. 128 00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,438 Call the plant and ask for Human Resources. 129 00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:57,273 (chuckles): Oh, thank you. 130 00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,026 And as a reward, you get my famous cocoa. 131 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,910 Now, I assume the two of you will want a cup? 132 00:06:08,993 --> 00:06:11,371 (sighs) Make my next one a double. 133 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,129 I cannot be your head of Human Resources 134 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,631 one more second, okay? 135 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:23,674 With the verbal abuse and the physical abuse, 136 00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,259 and the lying under oath. 137 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:27,762 And especially this! 138 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:30,390 Would you like to be the new head of Human Resources? 139 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,975 To quote my pet turtle, "Shell yes!" 140 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,477 Not so fast. 141 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,896 You may have to give me blood from time to time. 142 00:06:36,979 --> 00:06:39,148 Yes, sir. My blood's like my attitude: 143 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,401 -B-positive. -Excellent. 144 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,569 Isn't this great? We're carpooling to work. 145 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,738 So I can see you in the morning, at work, 146 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,740 in the evening, and in my dreams, 147 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,992 thanking you for saving my life. 148 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,036 Look, Ned, we're just driving together. 149 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,497 I don't want any "iddlies," "diddlies," 150 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,958 "neighborinos" or "oopsy-doopsies." 151 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:59,377 -Okily-dokily. -Here's another suggestion: 152 00:06:59,460 --> 00:07:01,295 no talk, just music. 153 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:03,965 Oh, sure. That's why I brought this CD of Christian favorites, 154 00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:05,967 Magical Ministry Tour. 155 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,928 (rock music playing) 156 00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,222 ♪ Pray, pray, heart and soul ♪ 157 00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,683 ♪ Stick another dime in the poor box, baby. ♪ 158 00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:15,351 -Maybe we should talk. -(music stops) 159 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,727 Well, of course, my friend. 160 00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:18,396 -Want to talk about Jesus? -No. 161 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,523 -Want to talk about Ecclesiastes? -No. 162 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,817 -Want to talk about baby Jesus? -(music resumes) 163 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,986 ♪ Pray, pray, heart and soul ♪ 164 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:27,530 ♪ Stick another dime and I'll pray with thee. ♪ 165 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,574 Let's crank it up to six. 166 00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:30,825 (crow caws) 167 00:07:30,908 --> 00:07:32,368 BURNS: You'll notice on your paycheck, 168 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,955 we've adjusted for desk rental and electrical power usage. 169 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:38,124 (chuckles) Isn't this a power plant? 170 00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:41,043 As defined by the IRS, we are a religion. 171 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:44,547 And that is the last question you'll ask of me. 172 00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:49,302 I will break you in one day. 173 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:51,345 Now we're gonna do a little role-playing 174 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:52,805 with Smitty and Jacqueline. 175 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599 Smitty, pretend you're greeting her. 176 00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,100 Uh, have a good one. 177 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,187 Okay, stop right there. A good one, what? 178 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,606 An unspecified object is the devil's wordplay, 179 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:04,192 so I say, "Come and go with a hidely-ho!" 180 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,776 What a wuss. 181 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,361 I can hear you. 182 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,489 Did you help this wuss get this job? 183 00:08:09,572 --> 00:08:11,407 I just told him who to call. 184 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,409 And you didn't put in a good word? 185 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,203 -No. -You idiot. 186 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,580 A recommendation from you would've sunk him for sure. 187 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,832 Okay, what happens if I touch her? 188 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,292 Mm. Go ahead. 189 00:08:21,375 --> 00:08:23,544 Hey, good work today. 190 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:25,463 This hardly seems fair! 191 00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:29,967 Your behavior is obnoxious and offensive. 192 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,678 You'll be working for me in a different capacity. 193 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,096 Hmm. 194 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,308 (video game sound effects) 195 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:40,603 -What are you doing, Lisa? -Making an art project. 196 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:43,523 -You color very neatly. -Thank you. 197 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,274 Pride's a sin. 198 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,319 (groans) So is snitching to God, Rod. 199 00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,863 I'm Todd. I think. 200 00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:52,240 (crow caws) 201 00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:54,242 (snoring) 202 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,744 Homer. Homer. 203 00:08:56,827 --> 00:08:58,663 Hey, hey! (shouting groggily) 204 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:00,081 Homer, you were sleeping at work. 205 00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:01,707 I had to mop up your drool. 206 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,793 HOMER: Leave me alone. 207 00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:10,341 To beef up team spirit, I thought I'd form 208 00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:12,009 a little prayer circle at lunch. 209 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,220 Um, if you pray at lunch, 210 00:09:14,303 --> 00:09:16,597 aren't you interrupting God's lunch? 211 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:20,560 Finally, someone thinks about God. 212 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:25,064 (Todd humming) 213 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:28,359 Um, Todd, do you have anything else you can do? 214 00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:31,737 -Can I pray for you? -Ugh. If you do it silently. 215 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:33,573 (quietly): Dear Lord, let Lisa avoid 216 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,533 (louder): the cleansing fire foretold by 217 00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:38,536 the Council of Nicaea before they got leprosy! 218 00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:41,581 -That's not silently! -You have such great hearing. 219 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,833 (groans) I miss Milhouse. 220 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:46,419 I knew if I switched from white to dark socks, 221 00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:49,005 things would start happening. 222 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,507 Uh, you wanted to see me? 223 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:52,883 (sighs) I happen to know 224 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,719 your father didn't die. 225 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:57,722 Look, Ned, you have to learn the way things work around here. 226 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,641 People cut corners. You have to let things slide. 227 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,896 Let me repeat. 228 00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:08,065 Sorry, Homer, I can't cut you any slack. 229 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,818 I owe it to you to help you achieve your potential. 230 00:10:10,901 --> 00:10:13,237 Maybe you could help get me another job at the plant. 231 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:16,824 One where you don't have to show up, like safety inspector. 232 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,743 But you are the safety inspector. 233 00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,578 Then I should really return these things 234 00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,622 that have fallen down my back. 235 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:29,045 They look like gummy worms, but they're not. 236 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:33,257 I can't take it. I can't take it! 237 00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,468 Why can't he be like our neighbor on the other side, 238 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:37,637 who we never see? 239 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,180 What's the matter, Homie? 240 00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,932 (sobbing): Oh, no. No. No. 241 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,184 (door creaks) 242 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:51,734 Eh? 243 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,362 Oh, Lord, it's Homer Simpson. 244 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,614 I forget. Are you seven hours ahead or behind? 245 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,575 Whatever. I really need your help with Flanders. 246 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,744 Could you please get him fired? 247 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,829 I feel you. Thanks. 248 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,040 Oh, I reached him. 249 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,708 So, looking through the records, 250 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:11,253 I discovered this company has never given anything to charity. 251 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:12,922 In fact, it looks as if 252 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:15,549 we've actually taken money from charities. 253 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,218 Ned, would you mind 254 00:11:17,301 --> 00:11:19,553 if I brought a few associates into this meeting? 255 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,971 (chuckles): Well, no. 256 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:22,473 -(dogs barking) -(Flanders screams) 257 00:11:22,556 --> 00:11:23,933 -You're fired! -Nice boy, nice boy! 258 00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,434 You're welcome to keep any radiation 259 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,019 that seeped into your bones. 260 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:29,063 Speaking of charity, call the orphanage, Smithers. 261 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:31,065 We have some leaks in our pipes 262 00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:32,900 and need tiny hands to plug them. 263 00:11:32,983 --> 00:11:35,319 Uh, they said they wouldn't send you any children, sir. 264 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,071 (scoffs) They have to say that. 265 00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:42,910 I want to thank you, Homer. You've been a true blue friend. 266 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,079 Can we talk about something fun? 267 00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,331 I now weigh more than Fat Elvis. 268 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,917 Well, I know I got one advantage you don't. 269 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,253 I got Homer Simpson in my corner. 270 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:54,922 Um, Ned, I have a confession to make. 271 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,924 Now don't go turning Catholic on me. 272 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:59,093 I can't. I don't fit in those booths. 273 00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,928 Ah, don't worry about me. 274 00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:03,764 I'm sure there's a job out there for a Bob Jones University grad 275 00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,766 who majored in teaching and casting out demons 276 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,518 and who speaks fluent Aramaic. 277 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,689 -(gasps) -(dog growling) 278 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:14,358 Hmm. Wish Mr. Burns didn't send these home with you. 279 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,529 A word to the wise: don't be cocky. 280 00:12:18,612 --> 00:12:21,115 Don't say you can lifeguard if you can't swim. 281 00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:23,617 (chuckles) It'll come up, believe me. 282 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,163 ♪ ♪ 283 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,665 One, two, three. One, two, three. 284 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,168 Make sure you keep at least five Bibles between you. 285 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,753 Oh, don't got crazy, Patrick Swayze. 286 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,463 Time to put Baby in the corner. 287 00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:37,047 (screams) 288 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,929 Mm-mmm, mm-mmm. You can't pose for your cover photo like that. 289 00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,767 Much better. 290 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,602 (screams) 291 00:12:52,688 --> 00:12:53,606 (sighs) 292 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:55,191 (tires screech) 293 00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:58,861 (Flanders groans) 294 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:02,406 Ned, would you like to say grace? 295 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:04,366 (clears throat) Heavenly Father, 296 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,536 thank you for the blessing of being tested, losing my wife, 297 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,372 losing my second wife, losing four jobs, 298 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:13,709 and losing $23 at blackjack to Bart. 299 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:16,879 23 chips, so $2,300. 300 00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:20,049 -I'll finish grace at home. -Can you do that? 301 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,301 Yes, I can do that! 302 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:26,055 Oh, God, now the apologies are gonna start. 303 00:13:26,138 --> 00:13:28,390 I apologize for my tone of voice, 304 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,309 and for the things I said. 305 00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:32,186 And now, as penance, 306 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,814 I will get that skunk out of your birdhouse. 307 00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:39,109 I don't care what you say, Marge. We got to help him! 308 00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:40,611 I want to help him. 309 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:43,280 Good, good. The ice queen begins to thaw. 310 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,492 Oh, Lord, give me a sign you're still with me. 311 00:13:51,288 --> 00:13:53,207 Mm. Poor Ned. 312 00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,751 It really helps to eat your feelings. 313 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,754 I've got it! I know what job Ned can do! 314 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,341 Well, go tell him. He goes to bed in five minutes. 315 00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:05,761 Ned, Ned! You should be what Jesus was! 316 00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,179 -A carpenter? -No. 317 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:08,639 -Fisherman? -No. 318 00:14:08,722 --> 00:14:10,015 -Foot washer? -No. 319 00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:11,767 -Wine creator? -No. 320 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,102 -Water walker? -No. 321 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:14,478 -Superstar? -No. 322 00:14:14,562 --> 00:14:17,314 -Dashboard ornament? -No! A teacher. 323 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,149 I think you should be a teacher. 324 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,776 Like Jesus. 325 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,820 Lord, should I do it? 326 00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,699 And you shall receive it. 327 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,620 He's looking right at us, and he's not doing a thing! 328 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,707 Duffman hates Duffmankind! 329 00:14:34,790 --> 00:14:36,500 Oh, yeah! 330 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:44,383 ♪ Up in the morning and out to school ♪ 331 00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:47,845 ♪ The teacher is teaching the golden rule ♪ 332 00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:50,890 ♪ American history and practical math ♪ 333 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:52,892 ♪ You studying hard... ♪ 334 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,228 I promised I wouldn't cry on his first day of school. 335 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,064 -(sniffles) -Let's play the frozen game. 336 00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:00,649 (both grunt) 337 00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:07,907 So, rub-a-dub-dub, 30 kids and their sub. 338 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:09,783 Let's be friends, shall we? 339 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,911 KIDS (chanting): Teacher, teacher, you must quit. 340 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,246 You can't teach us math or lit. 341 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,707 There's no mercy in the bunch. 342 00:15:16,790 --> 00:15:19,376 We will make you leave by lunch. 343 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,962 Martin Prince? Were you in on that poem? 344 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,173 Oh, they paid me. A gig's a gig. 345 00:15:24,256 --> 00:15:25,841 Well, sir, I'm not scared off. 346 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,927 I got two little wild things at home. 347 00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:33,641 Now, who can name the state capitals? 348 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:36,060 -A dingus. -(laughter) 349 00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:39,355 Well, in that case, I'm the biggest dingus in the world. 350 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,690 (laughter) 351 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,902 Okay, then, let's give Mr. Flanders 352 00:15:44,985 --> 00:15:47,112 a room 4F salute. 353 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,531 (kids clamoring) 354 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:04,254 Simpson, take the kill shot. 355 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:06,674 Why me? 356 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,760 -Prove your loyalty. -My loyalty to what? 357 00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,887 To peer pressure. 358 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,102 Bart Simpson, I know you-- 359 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:20,521 we've been fishing together, we've gone to church together-- 360 00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,899 and if you can fire that spit wad after our long relationship, 361 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,985 I don't deserve to be a teacher. 362 00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,862 Aah! 363 00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,364 (groans): Oh. 364 00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:31,699 (school bell rings) 365 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,367 Last lesson, kids. 366 00:16:33,450 --> 00:16:36,829 "F" is for foolish and failure and Flanders. 367 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,414 You win. 368 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:43,919 Yes? 369 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,130 Look, what is your deal? Do you like me? 370 00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:47,923 Do you want to be like me? 371 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,342 Lisa, I have something to show you. 372 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,594 -What? -I made you a little house. 373 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:56,473 There's me praying. There's you at the computer. 374 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:58,684 I made you a saxophone out of dried macaroni, 375 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,520 and the crackers on the roof-- they're solar panels. 376 00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:03,480 Todd, I had you all wrong. 377 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,107 You're a wonderful kid, 378 00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,484 and I'm happy to call you my pal. 379 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:10,612 So glad I have a friend. I'm really sick of my brother. 380 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,364 Okay, that's enough. 381 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,536 What's the matter, Homer? 382 00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:20,330 (sighs) I think I ruined Flanders' life. 383 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:21,582 BART: Join the club. 384 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,167 What are you doing here? 385 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:26,086 I come here for a G&T-- gumball and talk. 386 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:29,923 Here you go, pal. 387 00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,137 Listen, you've got to apologize to Flanders. 388 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:37,056 Why don't you apologize to Flanders? 389 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,558 You're the one who prayed for him to get fired. 390 00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:42,352 What? He should apologize to me, because he... 391 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,481 well, he... he makes me feel so damn guilty! 392 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,900 All right, I'll apologize, too. 393 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,819 What's she doing here? 394 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,072 Hello. She's my designated driver. 395 00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:02,206 (knock on door) 396 00:18:02,289 --> 00:18:04,833 Hey, fellas. What brings you here? 397 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,335 We came to say we're sorry, 398 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:08,504 and we want you to go back to teaching. 399 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,172 Oh, with all I've been through, 400 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:13,008 I've never questioned my faith until now. 401 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,511 You spit-wadded my moustache, boy. 402 00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,721 I think you could be a great teacher. 403 00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,765 Almost as good as her. 404 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,852 (sniffles) Thank you, son. 405 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,854 ♪ ♪ 406 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:29,191 Remember, if you can teach one kid one thing, 407 00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:31,360 then today will be a success. 408 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,362 She never gave up. 409 00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,447 -Neither will I. -Great. 410 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,616 Now, this counts as a parent-teacher conference 411 00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:39,034 and a Christmas concert. 412 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,452 Well, that's all well and good, 413 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,788 but I got to get those kids to respect me. 414 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,791 Do people respect God? No, they fear him. 415 00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:49,711 It's never personal, just business. 416 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,880 (thunder rumbling) 417 00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,133 Just leave everything to me. 418 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:55,926 -(school bell rings) -(Willie humming) 419 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,303 (kids clamoring) 420 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,389 Listen up, children. If you push hard enough 421 00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:03,433 on the pudding skin, there's a tough cup of vanilla beneath. 422 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:06,520 -Now take your seats. -How you gonna make us? 423 00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:07,813 (Bart hums) 424 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:13,610 I won't. The good Lord will. 425 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,238 (kids exclaiming) 426 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:18,240 Haw... Huh? 427 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,950 (whimpers) 428 00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:23,495 The scariest thing is we don't have a class skeleton! 429 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:25,497 (screams) 430 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:27,958 Truly, God is the biggest bully of them all. 431 00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:29,543 KIDS: Amen. 432 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,549 Now, Nelson, I'm not gonna ask you to stand 433 00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,259 and read me a list of state capitals, 434 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,761 but the good Lord might be pleased. 435 00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:43,765 Albany, Annapolis, Atlanta, Augusta, Austin, Baton Rouge... 436 00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,309 (school bell rings) 437 00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:47,394 Does the Lord hear the bell up there? 438 00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:49,104 Yes, son, he does. 439 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,190 (excited chatter) 440 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,986 Thank you, Bart. I knew, deep within you, 441 00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,488 there was a good boy, and I respectfully request 442 00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:00,949 that those be the last two pranks you pull. 443 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,035 You know it, man. 444 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,459 FLANDERS: Wow, they're quiet. 445 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:13,086 I'm reaching them. Edna was right. 446 00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,130 MILHOUSE: Hmm. Does that cute school nurse 447 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,007 know that I'm alive? 448 00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:20,219 Because last time I left her office, I was legally dead. 449 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:23,263 SHERRI: I have to beat Terri to a training bra. 450 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,599 BART: I wonder how much I can sell Maggie for. 451 00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:28,644 HAMSTER: I'm starting to think this wheel doesn't go anywhere. 452 00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,108 Shh! 453 00:21:19,027 --> 00:21:20,988 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH