1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 (high-pitched, strummed chords) 2 00:00:05,714 --> 00:00:08,717 (stringed instruments playing The Simpsons theme song) 3 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,096 (grunts, gasps) 4 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:14,806 Huh? 5 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:17,517 -(Bob's Burgers theme song playing) -Huh? 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:19,894 (screams) 7 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,896 (frantic grunting) 8 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,398 Rats! 9 00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:25,734 (screams) 10 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:27,527 -(whimpering) -(Bob's Burgers theme fades) 11 00:00:27,610 --> 00:00:30,321 -Hey, is there someone in the restaurant? -Oh, yeah. 12 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:32,907 -Aw, he looks scared. -Can we keep him? Can we keep him? 13 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,200 -(Homer grunts) -BOB: No. 14 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,785 We'll name him Bob Number One. 15 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,912 And, Dad, you can just go by Bob Number Two, 16 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,622 -or maybe no name at all. -(Homer whimpering) 17 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,958 Wait. Why would I be Bob Number Two or no name? 18 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,960 -I am Bob. -Well, yeah, but this is Bob, 19 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,712 so now we're, like, Bob and Bob. 20 00:00:45,795 --> 00:00:47,881 -I don't like it. -You can't just name a guy Bob. 21 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:50,592 -Yeah, you can. Somebody did it to you. -That's true. 22 00:00:50,675 --> 00:00:52,886 Bob Number Two is throwing out some major 'tude right now. 23 00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,180 -Isn't he, though? -Yeah, lose the 'tude. 24 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,891 -BOB: It is kind of nice to have someone in the restaurant. -GENE: Yeah. 25 00:00:57,974 --> 00:00:59,684 -What's he doing? -If he's robbing us, 26 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,269 I feel sorry for him. 27 00:01:01,352 --> 00:01:03,563 No. Don't say that. We're fun to rob. 28 00:01:03,646 --> 00:01:05,523 Maybe he's just looking for the bathroom. 29 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,941 You're overthinking it, bro! 30 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,985 Just go anywhere! I'll clean it up! 31 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,653 (chuckles) No way. 32 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,739 ♪ ♪ 33 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,915 HEAVENLY CHOIR: ♪ The Simpsons ♪ 34 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:25,543 MALE VOICE: ♪ In Heaven! ♪ 35 00:01:26,711 --> 00:01:28,463 GOD: Where is everybody? 36 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:31,382 Didn't we just build a whole new mixed-use complex 37 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,051 for the baby boomers? 38 00:01:33,134 --> 00:01:34,594 Ugh. 39 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:37,180 (dramatic piano music plays) 40 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,349 I'm just following the admissions criteria. 41 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,434 Can't we just tweak them a bit? 42 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:43,937 It's easier to get in to Upper West Side preschools. 43 00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,523 All we're getting up here are little old ladies 44 00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:49,150 and Promise Keepers. 45 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,902 Have you accepted the Lord? 46 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,196 I'm here, dimwit. 47 00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:55,156 Frankly, those guys weird me out. 48 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,909 We have interesting people. Look, Tracy Morgan's here. 49 00:01:57,992 --> 00:01:59,911 Tracy, what are you doing here? 50 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:02,997 -You're all better. -Nobody tells me these things! 51 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:12,549 -You gonna stop that? -Eh, it'll stop on its own. 52 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,968 We've got to get more people in here. 53 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:17,929 Ned Flanders is about to talk about that very topic. 54 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:23,059 Do the people my daddy shoots go to Heaven? 55 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,853 They do if they haven't done anything wrong. 56 00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:26,479 So, a lot of them, yes. 57 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,774 Come on, kids, think about it. Why do people get into Heaven? 58 00:02:30,441 --> 00:02:32,777 ♪ Heaven ♪ 59 00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:35,363 ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ 60 00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:40,285 ♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak... ♪ 61 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:42,287 (gasps) Clayton Kersh... 62 00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:43,872 -(grunts) -♪ I seem to find ♪ 63 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:47,125 ♪ The happiness I seek ♪ 64 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:51,963 ♪ When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪ 65 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,301 ♪ Heaven ♪ 66 00:02:56,384 --> 00:02:59,345 ♪ I'm in heaven ♪ 67 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,806 ♪ And the cares that hung around me ♪ 68 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:06,477 ♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak ♪ 69 00:03:07,812 --> 00:03:10,607 ♪ When we're out together ♪ 70 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,401 -(sighs) -♪ Dancing cheek to cheek. ♪ 71 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:18,072 Well, nobody said Sunday school kids were geniuses. 72 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,909 Kids, there's only one way into Heaven. 73 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:23,328 Never stray from the path of righteousness. 74 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:24,662 Easy for you to say. 75 00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,582 With a mustache like that, you're an obvious narc. 76 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,751 The truth is, this mustache is a memento 77 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,003 of the awful sinner I used to be. 78 00:03:32,086 --> 00:03:35,506 I was raised with no religion. Our house was a den of bebop. 79 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,592 (cool jazz music playing) 80 00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:46,309 Neddy, you're coloring inside the lines. 81 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:48,353 Rules are for fools, man! 82 00:03:48,436 --> 00:03:50,021 That's right, baby. 83 00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:52,106 Be free! Be free! 84 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:54,651 Go off the page. Write on the wall. 85 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,444 Color a cloud purple. 86 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:59,572 Jack and Jill are on the pill, man! 87 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,449 FLANDERS: Godless and Maudeless, 88 00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:04,202 each job I took became more depraved. 89 00:04:04,285 --> 00:04:05,787 -♪ Dead end ♪ -♪ Why we should be ♪ 90 00:04:05,870 --> 00:04:08,456 -♪ On dead end street ♪ -♪ Dead end ♪ 91 00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:10,375 ♪ People are living on dead end street ♪ 92 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,043 ♪ Dead end ♪ 93 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:14,796 ♪ I'm gonna die on dead end street ♪ 94 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,464 ♪ Dead end street ♪ 95 00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:17,799 -♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Dead end street ♪ 96 00:04:17,882 --> 00:04:18,800 ♪ Yeah ♪ 97 00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,134 ♪ Dead end street. ♪ 98 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,470 FLANDERS: Finally, I became one of the most iniquitous men 99 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:25,807 that ever blew a wrapper off a straw: door-to-door salesmen. 100 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,809 Now, here's how I move these Karpet Kings. 101 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:31,813 I make my pitch, then I start crying, bawling like a baby. 102 00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:35,566 The trick is I'm secretly clinically depressed. 103 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,318 -(both laugh) -Haven't thought of that. 104 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,487 Not bad. 105 00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:41,572 Slices of pie all around, Mabel! 106 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:43,992 So, rookie, your first day. 107 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:46,494 What do they have you pushing, water beds? 108 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:48,329 Well, I am reaching for the stars 109 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,832 with Vertebreaker trampolines! 110 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:52,750 (laughter) 111 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,753 -What's so funny? -They got you slingin' springs! 112 00:04:55,837 --> 00:04:57,505 The kid's a hop jockey. 113 00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,007 Don't worry, you'll be fine. 114 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:01,843 I know someone who sold two of those tot tossers. 115 00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:04,262 In his whole career! (laughs) 116 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,306 (laughter) 117 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,683 FLANDERS: What those door-to-door ding-dongs 118 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:11,269 didn't count on was a little extracurricular activity 119 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:13,146 during Apollo 14. 120 00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:15,440 -(radio static crackling) -ASTRONAUT: Whee! 121 00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,150 Over. 122 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,860 Whee! Over. 123 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,695 FLANDERS: America caught bounce fever. 124 00:05:20,778 --> 00:05:22,864 Trampolines were just what people were looking for 125 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:26,492 to forget the long quagmire that was Gunsmoke. 126 00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:28,703 ♪ ♪ 127 00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,211 Before I knew it, I was the king of springs. 128 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,214 But after spring comes the fall. 129 00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:42,675 Mabel! A slice of pie for all my friends! 130 00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,719 Better yet, leave the tin. 131 00:05:44,802 --> 00:05:46,554 -Well! -Well, how about that! 132 00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,389 Big man, are ya? Real big man. 133 00:05:48,473 --> 00:05:50,892 Well, big man, I got a headline for ya. 134 00:05:50,975 --> 00:05:53,853 They just found out those things are a death trap. 135 00:05:53,936 --> 00:05:55,688 Oh, sure, there's broken bones, concussions, 136 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:58,066 the occasional kid who goes up and never comes down, 137 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,068 but I wouldn't call them a death trap. 138 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,278 I mean electrocution, smart guy. 139 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,530 Those little angel makers you've been slingin' 140 00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,450 generate static electricity with every bounce. 141 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:10,745 The mats are made of birthday balloon rubber and cat hair. 142 00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:15,083 If you get to 500 bounces, zappo! French-fried kid. 143 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,418 (gasps) I've put innocent lives in danger. 144 00:06:17,502 --> 00:06:20,171 And my sales pitch strongly implied that wouldn't happen. 145 00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:21,923 Eh, that's the game we're in. 146 00:06:22,006 --> 00:06:25,760 If you don't like death, get out of children's toys. 147 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:30,056 FLANDERS: I've got to stop him! 148 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:33,059 401... 402... 149 00:06:33,142 --> 00:06:35,144 -(camera clicking) -Wow! I knew he could bounce, 150 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,522 but I had no idea he could count. 151 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:43,111 YOUNG HOMER (over radio): 412... 413... 152 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,946 Oh, the brake pedal won't go down! 153 00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:48,699 Why did I get these super shag floor mats? Why?! 154 00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:53,121 (groans) 155 00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:55,206 -495... -(electricity crackling) 156 00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:58,292 496... 157 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,129 497... 498... 158 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:05,591 (slow, distorted): 499... 159 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,385 (gasps) 160 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,724 (electricity crackling) 161 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:20,731 -(thunder rumbling) -(groaning) 162 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,067 (groans) 163 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,236 -Jesus. -'Sup? 164 00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,071 Lord? Why am I here? 165 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,823 Uh, Ned Flanders, you have been a sinner, 166 00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:31,284 but you have taken the first step on the road to redemption, 167 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:33,494 and if you accept the word of the Lord-- that's me-- 168 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:36,164 I shall return you to Earth to carry forth my word of hope. 169 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:37,582 And, uh, like that. 170 00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,792 Jimi Hendrix is here for your guitar lesson. 171 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,587 Hey, man. You been practicing what I told you? 172 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:44,630 Uh, yeah, uh, I meant to, 173 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,592 but, uh, I lost the pick in the hole. 174 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:49,635 -Of the guitar? -Oh. I wish. 175 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:54,015 I don't care, baby. Jimi gets paid either way. 176 00:07:54,098 --> 00:07:56,267 (electric guitar riff plays) 177 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,936 (Flanders groans) 178 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,771 Praise the Lord, I am reborn! 179 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:02,231 (others gasp) 180 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,358 It's a miracle! He recovered without help! 181 00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,694 In retrospect, I should have tried CPR. 182 00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,362 Well, I'm a believer. 183 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:11,866 Come on, fellas, let's go spread the good word. 184 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:14,118 God is alive! 185 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:16,162 Anyone need a vacuum? 186 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,164 FLANDERS: God gave me a second chance, 187 00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:20,708 and as a sign of his mercy, he permanently scarred 188 00:08:20,791 --> 00:08:23,044 my beautiful, beautiful philtrum. 189 00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,046 KIDS: Whoa! 190 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:28,216 And that's why I'm wearing this mustache till I'm just ash. 191 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,343 It wasn't till God seriously deformed me 192 00:08:30,426 --> 00:08:32,970 that I fully understood his love. 193 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,723 So Ned Flanders gets into Heaven. 194 00:08:35,806 --> 00:08:38,559 It'll be interesting to see which wife he goes with. 195 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,354 GOD: Eh, either way, it'll be tough sledding. 196 00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,691 Well, you know, Lord, if you want more people here, 197 00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,818 there's a category you're not considering. 198 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,612 People who bring their dogs on planes 199 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,822 and say they're therapy pets? 200 00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,449 I can hear you. 201 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,577 Oh, and nice to meet you, finally. 202 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,579 So, you made me in your image. 203 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,082 (chuckles): Well, it's like looking in a mirror. 204 00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:03,251 -Not! -Who did that? 205 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:06,546 -It wasn't me. -Oh, you traitor! 206 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,839 Actually, I'm talking about people 207 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,259 who don't believe in God but are still righteous. 208 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:13,261 I'm talking about atheists, Lord. 209 00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:14,595 Atheists? 210 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,014 (scoffs) I refuse to believe they exist. 211 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:20,268 Well, they do. Maybe they deserve a place here, too. 212 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:22,979 I'd like to talk about someone who should be in Heaven: 213 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,855 my grandmother. 214 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:28,067 My grandmother's 36, and she's got eight grandchildren. 215 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,527 Strong woman. 216 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,946 My grandmother was an atheist. 217 00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:34,198 (gasps) I'll just flip this. 218 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,243 Her name was Genevieve. 219 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,453 She lived in occupied France 220 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,039 in the darkest days of World War II. 221 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:45,126 And she no longer believed in God. 222 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:48,129 ♪ He's in the afterlife, punishing heavily ♪ 223 00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:51,257 ♪ He's the boogie woogie Christian God of John 3:16 ♪ 224 00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,884 ♪ A root, a toot, just don't eat his fruit ♪ 225 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,970 ♪ He was born in a barn ♪ 226 00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:57,722 ♪ He loved religion. ♪ 227 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,434 (French accent): How could a god allow this awful war to happen? 228 00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:03,811 GOD: I stopped a thousand wars that would've been worse. 229 00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:06,397 Nobody ever talks about that. 230 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,735 MARGE: Perhaps her mélancolie came from her marriage 231 00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:15,406 to the village's most notorious Nazi collaborator. 232 00:10:15,489 --> 00:10:17,116 Bonjour, bonjour, Commandant! 233 00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:21,078 And may I say, you put the "ja" in "jawohl!" (chuckles) 234 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:23,456 Ah, my dear wife. I'm just here collaborating, 235 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:25,166 mixing in a little treason. 236 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,001 You know, stuff that'll look really bad 237 00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:28,794 in a documentary if we lose. 238 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:32,173 Now, with business booming, you can no longer deny your husband 239 00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:35,343 the sweet fruits of marriage. (chuckles) 240 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,345 Mmm, oh, yeah, yeah. 241 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:38,888 I'm hooked. Mmm. 242 00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:42,558 Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. 243 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,646 Kissing with your eyes closed never goes awry. Ever. 244 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:50,941 Why did I marry the model for the town gargoyle? Ugh! 245 00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:55,529 -(gasping) -MAN: Quiet. 246 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,865 Qui est là? Qui! Qui! 247 00:10:57,948 --> 00:11:00,326 We're U.S. paratroops. 248 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:01,786 We've been roaming the countryside 249 00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:03,829 disguised as French farmers. 250 00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,499 You must leave now. My husband is a collaborator. 251 00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:07,917 Well, I've got a screenplay 252 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,835 I've been looking for someone to help me write. 253 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,295 Not that kind. 254 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,673 If he just gets something on the page, that's progress. 255 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:15,508 (door opens, footsteps descending stairs) 256 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,051 Germans. 257 00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,804 We're cooked. Worse than the Cubs in the '32 Series. 258 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:23,140 I'm not a sports guy. Do you have an art metaphor? 259 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,476 We'll be chopped up worse than a Picasso nude! 260 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,312 Now my alarm is palpable! 261 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:32,400 What are you gonna do, help us or turn us in? 262 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:36,320 Because I don't believe there is a God above, 263 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:39,865 we must make our own Heaven down below. 264 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:40,950 SOLDIERS: Ah! 265 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,953 Hurry now! 266 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:46,414 -Do we get tips? -Not in Europe. 267 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:48,833 Damn it. Now I know what we're fighting for. 268 00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:54,213 Quoi?! 269 00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:57,466 (French accent): Ooh-la-la! Dinner is served. 270 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,135 (German accent): What an odd accent. 271 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:00,594 Are you really French? 272 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,263 (normal voice): Stinking customers! 273 00:12:02,346 --> 00:12:04,348 You can't ask me personal questions. 274 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,058 (spits dramatically) 275 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,935 Ah, you are French. 276 00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:19,071 (groans) American fool. They'll see right through you. 277 00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,781 You don't know the first thing 278 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,575 about world-class dinner service. 279 00:12:22,658 --> 00:12:25,244 Now listen here. I know we may not look like much, 280 00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:27,913 but when a fish knife needs to be placed just so, 281 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,290 they're the mugs you want. 282 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:31,375 I am your, um, uh... 283 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,961 How do you say "sommelier" in French? 284 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:35,421 (phone ringing) 285 00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:37,214 Café Meaux. Meaux speaking. 286 00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,425 BART (French accent): I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants, 287 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,469 -first name Pierre. -Un moment. 288 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,930 Pierre Pants? Pierre Pants?! 289 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:48,058 Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pee Your Pants? 290 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,977 (laughter) 291 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,104 -Heil humor! -(laughs) 292 00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:53,814 Laughing is for Germans only. 293 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,274 Ow! 294 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:59,320 Now, precisely what part of France are you from? 295 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:00,863 Eh... Normandy beach. 296 00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:02,490 You know, where the invasion's coming. 297 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,826 (gasps) We must warn our Panzers! 298 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:08,621 We got to stop 'em, but how? 299 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:12,875 Don't ask me. I believe in nothing, except my country. 300 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:19,131 ♪ Allons enfants de la patrie ♪ 301 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:23,636 ♪ Le jour de gloire est arrivé ♪ 302 00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:27,014 ♪ Contre nous de la tyrannie ♪ 303 00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:30,768 ♪ L'étendard sanglant est levé ♪ 304 00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:35,105 ♪ Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras ♪ 305 00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:40,194 ♪ Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes... ♪ 306 00:13:40,277 --> 00:13:42,112 Come with me, fraulein, 307 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,907 and everything will be Nietzsche keen. 308 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,575 (crowd gasps) 309 00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:50,037 You can drink our beer, you can take our gold, 310 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,455 you can take my wife. 311 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,957 No, you can't! 312 00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:56,836 Oh. Well, the marriage counselor said 313 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:59,463 we should try to find a common interest, so, uh... 314 00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:06,720 ♪ Non, rien de rien ♪ 315 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:12,351 ♪ Non, je ne regrette rien ♪ 316 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,520 ♪ Ni le bien. ♪ 317 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:16,730 (men scream) 318 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:20,192 Oh, Meaux, I am so sorry I ever made you kiss a fish. 319 00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,735 That was a fish? 320 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:23,237 But this isn't. 321 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,739 Mmm. 322 00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:27,741 There's more in the bedroom. 323 00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:29,243 We have a bedroom? 324 00:14:29,326 --> 00:14:32,538 Mmm, mmm, mmm. 325 00:14:32,621 --> 00:14:36,584 So, it goes to show atheists can do great things, too. 326 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,586 GOD: All right, I agree. 327 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:42,006 We will open Heaven to the deserving atheists. 328 00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,550 And if you let them in, there are a few mistakes 329 00:14:44,633 --> 00:14:46,260 I'd recommend getting rid of. 330 00:14:46,343 --> 00:14:48,095 Christopher Columbus. 331 00:14:48,178 --> 00:14:50,598 (Italian accent): Hey, what are you two talking about? 332 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,433 Nothing. What are you doing here? 333 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:55,269 I was looking for a quicker route to the bathroom, 334 00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:56,854 and I got lost. 335 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,444 -GOD: Oh, it's him. -Hey, dudes. 336 00:15:03,527 --> 00:15:05,237 Who wants to rub my belly? 337 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,406 (God and Saint Peter groan) 338 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,200 Now, why don't you consider other faiths for your Heaven? 339 00:15:10,284 --> 00:15:12,953 Like, oh-- I don't know-- the way of the Buddha? 340 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:16,248 I say no shirt, no shoes, no salvation. 341 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,293 I say we have Lisa Simpson. 342 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:22,046 Well, there is redemption, and there are good works. 343 00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:23,797 But there is another path. 344 00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:27,927 A path to enlightenment without ego or possessions. 345 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,887 I don't know. Jesus is pretty fond 346 00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,264 of that plus sign he's always carrying around. 347 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,266 Let me share the Buddhist path to Heaven 348 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,268 with an enlightened tale I call 349 00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,021 "The Princess Not Affiliated With Disney." 350 00:15:39,104 --> 00:15:41,148 Unless we are now owned by Disney. 351 00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:43,150 In the sixth century B.C., 352 00:15:43,233 --> 00:15:45,152 or zero in the Buddhist calendar... 353 00:15:45,235 --> 00:15:47,571 FLANDERS: Oh, you have your own calendar. 354 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,615 What's today, the fifth of Bibbity-boo? 355 00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:52,660 LISA: ...zero in the Buddhist calendar, 356 00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:56,121 lived the spoiled Princess Siddmartha. 357 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:59,500 Siddmartha, sweetie, look what we got you. 358 00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,585 Oh. A pony. 359 00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:03,337 -50 ponies! -(pony neighs) 360 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,756 Oh. Somehow 50 ponies 361 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:08,467 -seem less than one. -Oh. 362 00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,428 LISA: The princess wondered, if nothing was denied her, 363 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,472 -why was she not satisfied? -(King Homer screams) 364 00:16:13,555 --> 00:16:15,808 Why couldn't she be happy like her brother 365 00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:18,811 with his stupid multiplayer games? 366 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:20,896 (dramatic music playing) 367 00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:23,774 (elephant trumpeting) 368 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:28,821 -(gong rings) -(victorious fanfare plays) 369 00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:31,824 Brother, do you not grow weary of this opulence? 370 00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,993 Sometimes, but there's always the decadence. 371 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:38,497 There must be a middle path between opulence and decadence. 372 00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,541 -Flatulence? -(Milhouse laughs) 373 00:16:40,624 --> 00:16:42,001 No. 374 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,086 (elephants trumpeting) 375 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,341 Please, somebody, think of the elephants! 376 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,885 Princess Siddmartha, hmm, 377 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:55,055 perhaps the stars hold the answer to your questions. 378 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:57,558 Why don't you take a look? 379 00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:00,561 (choir sings) 380 00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:02,146 SIDDMARTHA: Meh. 381 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,982 (kids laughing, chattering) 382 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:08,235 Those children have nothing, but they're enjoying themselves. 383 00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,529 Maybe all these riches have blinded me 384 00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,531 to what really matters: 385 00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:14,575 goats' heads. Hmm. 386 00:17:14,658 --> 00:17:17,327 (snoring) 387 00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:18,829 That's mine. 388 00:17:18,912 --> 00:17:21,623 (snoring) 389 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:31,884 ♪ I live a life of great excess ♪ 390 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:36,513 ♪ And yet I find no happiness ♪ 391 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:41,435 ♪ There's more to life than this, I hope ♪ 392 00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:44,271 ♪ Than golden tubs and fragrant soap ♪ 393 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,107 ♪ All kinds of stuff, and yet I mope ♪ 394 00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:51,779 ♪ I want less ♪ 395 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,947 ♪ Don't want to grab life by the horns ♪ 396 00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:57,409 ♪ Don't want to grab that brass ring ♪ 397 00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:00,037 ♪ Hear me shout and hear me sing ♪ 398 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,956 ♪ All I want is just one thing ♪ 399 00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:07,920 ♪ I want less, I want less ♪ 400 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,964 ♪ Less, less, less ♪ 401 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:15,803 ♪ I want more of ♪ 402 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:20,349 ♪ Less... ♪ 403 00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,060 Less. 404 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:25,062 Oops. 405 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:25,062 Oops. 406 00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:29,441 LISA: Disguised as a poor boy, Siddmartha sought out 407 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:31,443 the most learned scholars in the kingdom. 408 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:32,986 But she soon learned 409 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:35,989 Kathmandu U, like Budhanilkantha Tech, 410 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,741 was just another party school. 411 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:40,244 (laughing, cheering) 412 00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:42,621 Excuse me. (clears throat) 413 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:45,165 (deep voice): You're wasting your lives, man. 414 00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:48,669 It's the year zero. How much is there to learn? 415 00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:51,755 Come on, girl. Let's find inner peace. 416 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,048 (neighs) 417 00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:00,556 I will sit under this Bodhi Tree 418 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:02,975 because I am void of ideas. 419 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,602 LISA: So Siddmartha sat 420 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,522 and sat and sat and sat, 421 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:10,691 willing to wait forever and a day 422 00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:12,526 until she found enlightenment. 423 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,611 ♪ ♪ 424 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,965 ♪ Om... ♪ 425 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,970 ♪ Om... ♪ 426 00:19:40,053 --> 00:19:42,598 -Namaste! -(kids cheering) 427 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,476 Even though she strayed from our faith, I'm proud of Lisa. 428 00:19:48,103 --> 00:19:50,898 That Buddhist kid's a really good person. 429 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,649 What? I'm just sayin'. 430 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,318 GOD: Mm, if we've learned anything 431 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,486 from these three tangentially-related stories, 432 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,906 it's that there are many paths to Heaven. 433 00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:01,074 Maybe we should let everybody in. 434 00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:05,078 Great idea. I decree that all with good souls are welcome 435 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,873 in Heaven now and forever. 436 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,458 (thunderclap) 437 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,959 How did I get here? 438 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:13,253 Well, you see, you were Smithers' plus-one. 439 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:16,048 I demand to get in on my own merits. 440 00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,091 (sighs) I'll talk to him. 441 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:21,511 CHOIR: ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. ♪ 442 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,726 -(thunder rumbles) -(boys whimper) 443 00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:29,353 Don't be scared, boys. 444 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,438 That's just angels bowling. (chuckles) 445 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,400 Oh, I'm sorry about that. 446 00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:37,069 Oh, we consider it a blessing. 447 00:20:37,152 --> 00:20:38,654 GOD: Kiss-up. 448 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:26,743 Shh! 449 00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:30,998 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH