1 00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:07,632 (horns honking) 2 00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,676 Sorry, little dudes, we're gonna be here a while. 3 00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,387 A truck broke down, and the cops are taking their sweet time 4 00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,930 clearing it up. 5 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,725 -(laughs) He thinks my tummy is a mountain. -(bleating) 6 00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,852 Lou, Lou, quick, take a selfie. 7 00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:20,854 Yeah, it's not a selfie if I take it. 8 00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:22,647 -(bleating) -He's kissing me. 9 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,774 Take a selfie! Take a selfie! 10 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,402 -Ah, man, my phone's dead. -(phones clicking) 11 00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:29,487 Milhouse, what am I missing in the group text? 12 00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,114 It's awesome. 13 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,116 You're never gonna get caught up. 14 00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,993 (text messages chirping, Bart groans) 15 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:38,580 Mm. What kind of jazz you listening to, stupid or boring? 16 00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,790 It's Marc Maron's podcast. 17 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,918 He does cool interviews with really interesting people. 18 00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:45,920 Lame, lame, don't know him. 19 00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:47,922 Lame, lame, don't know her. 20 00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,091 Loudon Wainwright, lame, lame. 21 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,720 (gasps) This guy interviewed Krusty? 22 00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:58,808 Yeah. Hey, no, aw, that's my ear bu... Ew. 23 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,477 It's yours now. 24 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,146 MARC MARON: Wow. That's incredible, Krusty. 25 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,981 I mean, really, I'm blown away. 26 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,734 Yeah, well, it's true. It's absolutely true. 27 00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:10,653 I have a phobia of pies. 28 00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,740 That's so crazy because, I mean, we've all seen you get 29 00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,992 hit in the face with pies on your show. 30 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,245 No, no, no, those are cakes decorated as pies. 31 00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:23,083 Oh, right, so that's how you make yourself feel safe. 32 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,919 It's not the crust; it's the fillings. 33 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,004 Krusty, I got to ask you about something, 34 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,131 and-and I don't want you to get defensive, 35 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,925 but it's something you've never talked about. 36 00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:35,261 Can you tell me about The Sands of Space? 37 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,098 Oh, no. That's off-limits, soul patch! 38 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,849 We could talk about the exploding milkshakes 39 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,309 in your Laffy Meals. 40 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:43,103 Did they ever find those kids' noses? 41 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,980 Okay, okay, I'll tell you about The Sands of Space, 42 00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:49,651 the movie that almost consumed my soul. 43 00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,027 (electric can opener whirring) 44 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,071 -Yeah, yeah, keep talking. -(cats mewling) 45 00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,531 I'm just feeding the cats. 46 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:58,034 (loudly): It all began back in the golden age of Hollywood, 47 00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:02,288 the late 1980s, when high concept was king. 48 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,125 You'd mix two kooky words together in the title, 49 00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:08,002 put a rap song at the end that explains the plot, 50 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:12,465 and, bam, you're on the cover of Premiere magazine. 51 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,385 I had starred in the hit action buddy comedy 52 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,011 Good Cop, Dog Cop, 53 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,848 where I played a murdered police officer 54 00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:23,226 who is reincarnated as his partner's pet Saint Bernard. 55 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:27,021 Five smashed squad cars, 100 exploded helicopters, 56 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,190 and the mayor's wife has fleas. 57 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,067 Turn in your badge and your collar. 58 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,986 You're suspended for a month! 59 00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,071 For me, that's like seven months. 60 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,115 Dog Cop! 61 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:38,700 (grunting) 62 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,702 KRUSTY: Suddenly, everyone in town 63 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,996 was dying to be in the Krusty business, 64 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,832 and I was dipping shrimp with all the big talents 65 00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,835 I once longed to see fail. 66 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:52,380 And, of course, what the studio wanted most was a sequel. 67 00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,007 Okay, Krusty, we've got 68 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:57,635 Good Cop, Dog Cop 2: Golden Revolver all lined up. 69 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,512 We, uh... who-who did the... 70 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,098 The two Terrys, they just turned in a great script. 71 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,517 Savage Sam Borgberg is all set to direct. 72 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,186 So when do we start? 73 00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,688 I get it. You think I'm just some hack, 74 00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:11,941 out to churn out lazy sequels for a quick buck. 75 00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,235 Yes. 76 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,030 This is my next movie. 77 00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,865 The Sands of Space? 78 00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,241 Krusty, are you kidding me? 79 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:23,328 This is the most famously un-filmable book in history. 80 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:27,207 It made Kubrick a recluse. It-it drove Coppola to wine. 81 00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,125 The four Jeffs tried to write a script, 82 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,877 but even they couldn't crack it. 83 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,464 When I bought this at an adult bookstore by mistake, 84 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,424 it changed my life. 85 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,093 "There's a light that shines from star to star, 86 00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:43,056 from soul to soul, connecting everyone in the universe." 87 00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,475 Wow. 88 00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,311 It's not landing for me that the hero doesn't 89 00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:51,689 refuse the quest before he accepts the quest. 90 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,274 Is that landing for you? 91 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:56,069 Look, I'm not drinking out of one more toilet 92 00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,112 until you green-light this movie. 93 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,823 And I'm not playing a dog, either. (grunts) 94 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,243 All right, we got a comic who wants to make 95 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,995 a hippie-dippie science-fiction vanity project. 96 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,832 Here's what we do: we humor him, and we make it dirt cheap. 97 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,751 We could shoot it in Mexico for nothing. 98 00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,753 We hire a has-been to direct it 99 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,089 and never-wases to do everything else. 100 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:19,592 After it bombs, that clown will come scooting his butt back here 101 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,972 to make all the Dog Cop movies we want. Two more. 102 00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:26,015 KRUSTY: The Sands of Space was a go, 103 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,643 and the studio hired the least-qualified crew 104 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:31,312 they could find, including a young couple 105 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,856 whose love was just starting to bloom. 106 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,817 She was full of optimism, 107 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,070 and he was slightly less fat than he was going to be. 108 00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,697 What could be cooler? 109 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:44,367 You and me working on a movie together all summer long 110 00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,995 as production assistants. 111 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,871 It's so romantic. 112 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,332 We'll be like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton 113 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,793 if they had to get coffee for everybody. 114 00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,295 (both moaning) 115 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:56,629 (indistinct chatter) 116 00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,633 All right, everyone, saddle up for Ju??rez, Mexico. 117 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:03,303 That's where I shot Manhattan Mix Up. 118 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,139 Lost a lot of good men on that show. 119 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:08,641 Now, move it out! 120 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,602 ??? ??? 121 00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,776 HOMER: Why are we stopping? 122 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,862 SKINNER: Oh, the bus has been leaking oil for miles. 123 00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:22,071 Look behind us. 124 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,407 HOMER: Those things were literal? 125 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,492 -??? ??? -(Homer chuckling) 126 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:36,002 The Sands of Space, day one, shot one, take one. 127 00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,087 And... action! 128 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,341 So barren, so alien, 129 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,926 yet somehow... familiar. 130 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,220 Hey! What the hell is this?! 131 00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,722 Cut. Cut it! 132 00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:51,684 This sand is sand-colored. It's supposed to be red! 133 00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,187 So what? Sand is sand. 134 00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,855 Did you even read the book? 135 00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,775 These blood dunes are all that's left of humanity 136 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,777 after the Rust Wars! 137 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,196 What's to read? It's a space picture. 138 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,032 Laser cars, girls with octopus arms, 139 00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:08,576 zip zap glip glorp, and it's in the can. 140 00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,787 Look, you no-talent bag of wrinkles! 141 00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,039 Go back to whatever Toluca Lake drunk tank 142 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:14,707 they fished you out of, 143 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,335 because you're not getting anywhere near my movie! 144 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,879 (grunts, blows nose) 145 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:22,090 Sir, I've worked in moving pictures 146 00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,050 since they were called "stillies." 147 00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,969 I once shot a two-hour picture in 90 minutes. 148 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,932 And so I say to you, in the words of Miss Lillian Gish, 149 00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,809 go crap in your hat. 150 00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,439 And now, if you'll excuse me, 151 00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,734 I am going to mysteriously drown in the ocean. 152 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,491 As you may have heard, there's been an amicable parting of ways 153 00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:51,661 with that moron director. We wish him well. 154 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,831 Clearly, there's only one artist close enough to this film 155 00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,917 -to direct it: me. -(all gasp) 156 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,753 I know what you're thinking: have I taken on too much 157 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,922 by starring and directing a movie 158 00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,591 that I was also tricked into cofinancing? 159 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,220 No, because this story must be told. 160 00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,974 This is so exciting. 161 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,936 Krusty's got the passion and vision to make this movie great. 162 00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:19,105 (sobbing) 163 00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:22,316 I have no idea how to make a movie. 164 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,112 I know nothing. (sobbing) 165 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:28,489 All these people are screwed. 166 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:32,493 And the crew gift is just a T-shirt. (sobbing) 167 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,414 Right, right, I-I get it. 168 00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,541 In the tradition of every actor ever, 169 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,544 -you thought you could direct. -Directing seemed so easy. 170 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:44,380 You just hold your hands like this, then bing, bang, boom, 171 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,215 Annie Leibovitz is taking your portrait 172 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,967 in a bathtub full of milk. 173 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,636 (laughs) Yeah, talk about pressure, though. 174 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,722 Man, I remember once I was filming a special 175 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,098 at the Laugh Basement in Tampa... 176 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,600 This isn't about you! 177 00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:58,019 You got your ad in for Dollar Doorknob Club. 178 00:07:58,102 --> 00:07:59,979 Now, let me talk. 179 00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,899 KRUSTY: They say in Hollywood, "Nobody knows anything." 180 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,485 Well, I knew a lot less than that. 181 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:08,029 What do you like for the princess's headpiece, 182 00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:11,365 -feathers or scales? -I don't know, how about scales? 183 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,826 Oh, well, there goes the whole costume budget. 184 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,244 Uh, for the crew lunch, 185 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,079 the grips want their hot dogs boiled, 186 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,664 but the gaffers want them grilled. 187 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:22,001 Either way, I don't got no hot dogs, so, uh, which is it? 188 00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,504 Do you want the spaceship doors to open like, 189 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,840 "Zzztt-zzztt," "ppswishh" or "wahh-wahh"? 190 00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,675 Judd Nelson won't come out of his trailer. 191 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:32,178 Christian Slater won't go back into his trailer. 192 00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,180 How many sugars do you want in your coffee? 193 00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:36,182 Stop asking me things! 194 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,684 Is this an official break, or are we taking a five? 195 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,687 -(screams) -Wahh-wahh. 196 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,023 Hmm, that poor clown man. 197 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:47,360 This movie is his dream, and it's falling apart. 198 00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:50,363 Yeah, that's Mexico showbiz for you. 199 00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,198 (grunting) 200 00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,200 ??? ??? 201 00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,576 (groans) 202 00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,953 (whirring) 203 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,956 Oh, is nothing on this movie real? 204 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,916 Um, are you okay? 205 00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:07,046 Okay? I'm a total fraud who can't make a single decision. 206 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,590 -Well, maybe you just need to start with a small one. -(groans) 207 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,718 Like, what color should the space monster's blood be, 208 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,387 orange or green? 209 00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,472 Both. Neither. I don't know! 210 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,473 (grunts) 211 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,934 Just close your eyes, breathe deeply, 212 00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:23,271 and envision the blood. What color is it? 213 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,898 Orange. 214 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,568 There you go. You decided. 215 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:32,154 Of course! Orange! I knew I was a genius! 216 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,907 I did it! I directed a movie! 217 00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,617 Well, it's just one decision. 218 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,245 Oh, I'm a nothing. A phony-baloney. 219 00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,455 A no-talent. A zilch. 220 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:46,085 Ah, just my luck to work for the only insecure person in showbiz. 221 00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,422 You risked everything you have to tell this story. 222 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,132 It must be special. 223 00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,926 Maybe I can do this, with your help. 224 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,555 How would you like to be assistant to the director? 225 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,598 Really? 226 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,309 I need you to help me be decisive. 227 00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:04,103 No, wait, I don't want that! Oh, God, which one? 228 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,439 -The first, the first. -You're hired. 229 00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,024 Oh! 230 00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,442 (indistinct chatter) 231 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,944 Add more dynamite. 232 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:15,323 Uh, those explosives are really close to those extras. 233 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,991 So? We got plenty of them. 234 00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,285 That's why they're called "extras," right? 235 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,121 (Krusty grunting) 236 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,334 You tell that lox to go to acting school 237 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,337 and work there as a janitor. 238 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:33,049 Krusty loves what you're doing. Same energy, little quicker. 239 00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,551 Tell him to sod off. 240 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,803 He says, "You got it, baby." 241 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,848 It's so much pressure. The whole movie depends on it. 242 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,434 Tell the story that needs to be told. 243 00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:45,186 That butt double for the action scene, 244 00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,147 that butt double for the love scene. Let's make art! 245 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,857 ??? ??? 246 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,400 Sorry I'm late, 247 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,403 but Krusty and I were storyboarding tomorrow's shots. 248 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:59,158 Close-up, medium, long, long, establishing, close, 249 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:03,245 POV, wide, and then-- get this-- medium. 250 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:06,666 You've been so busy with that director, I never see you. 251 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,752 Krusty needs me. He's under so much pressure. 252 00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:13,339 You wouldn't believe how much directing dust he's sniffing. 253 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,882 Everyone's working hard. 254 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,843 We had to repaint all the sets black and white for a flashback. 255 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,595 We wouldn't have been able to do it 256 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,389 if not for all the crew powder. 257 00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,890 Well, it'll all be worth it 258 00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:25,184 when this movie touches people's hearts, 259 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:29,063 as Peabo Bryson sings the theme song over the credits. 260 00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,690 You got Peabo? 261 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,859 -Well, he hasn't committed. -He's not the only one. 262 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,028 This was supposed to be a romantic adventure, 263 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:39,031 but whenever we have a moment alone, your beeper goes off. 264 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:43,077 Why don't we have a romantic adventure right now? 265 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,204 -Oh, yeah, baby. -(moaning) 266 00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,956 (pager beeps) 267 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,875 (both moaning) 268 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,377 Wahh-wahh. 269 00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,337 (humming a tune) 270 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,925 -Where were you? -(gasps) 271 00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:01,721 I had to watch the dailies without you. 272 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,889 Greetings. Welcome. 273 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,977 Greetings. Welcome. Greetings. Welcome. Greetings. 274 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,771 I've been going back and forth all night. Which is better? 275 00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,733 -Did you get one with "Hello"? -(screams) 276 00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,571 I'm sorry, I was with Homer, my boyfriend. 277 00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,824 Boyfriend? You can't have a boyfriend. I want you! 278 00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,159 Krusty! 279 00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,827 Not like a lady. 280 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:29,123 Like a "mother slash therapist slash rabbi" who xeroxes things. 281 00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:30,750 Dump the boyfriend. 282 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:35,838 I believe in this movie, but I also believe in Homer and Marge. 283 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,759 Me, I'm Marge. 284 00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596 Oh, yes, Marge. Marge. I knew that. 285 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,682 Marge. Marge. 286 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:50,352 I'm not going to break up with Homer. He's my soul mate. 287 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,314 Hmm. You know what? I get it. 288 00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,608 Your life has to come first. 289 00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:59,111 Yet again, you're the only one who can set me straight. 290 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,114 -Thank you. -(laughs) That's all right. 291 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,699 It's not all right. 292 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,285 I'm gonna grind that boyfriend down finer 293 00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,788 than this movie's red sand... 294 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,123 that I now wish was sand-colored. 295 00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,375 -(intercom buzzes) -Send in my anesthesiologist 296 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,336 so I can take a nap. 297 00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,296 Dreams or no dreams? 298 00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,256 Surprise me. 299 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,300 (gas hissing) 300 00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,718 (Homer grunts, Marge gasps) 301 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,428 (laughs) 302 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,475 Wow, it's crazy, man, right? 303 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,977 How narcissism and insecurity go hand in hand? 304 00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,813 I mean, you couldn't function 305 00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,815 because your assistant had a boyfriend. 306 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,399 Where does that jealousy come from? 307 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,235 How would I know? I fired my shrink 308 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,321 after I found out she was seeing other patients. Anyway... 309 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,365 KRUSTY: I made sure the boyfriend 310 00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,284 had all the most dangerous jobs on the set. 311 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,204 I'm out of breakfast burritos. 312 00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,873 (overlapping shouting, Homer screams) 313 00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,544 (tires screech) 314 00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,629 Bring in the stunt dummy. 315 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,092 (Homer screams) 316 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:04,593 (thud, Homer grunts) 317 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,221 Perfect. Let's get one more for safety. 318 00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,390 (Homer grumbling) 319 00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:12,726 I'm telling you, your crazy boss is out to get me. 320 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,855 No, he's not. Krusty loves our relationship. 321 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,023 Every day, he says it would be a shame 322 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:22,152 if something happened to you, then laughs and laughs. 323 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,822 Then why are they sending me out to the middle of the desert 324 00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,825 to find a lizard for a new scene about a space lizard? 325 00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,494 Hmm, that does sound a little dangerous. 326 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,414 No, I'm sure it's super safe. 327 00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,916 I'll see you when I get back alive. 328 00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:37,960 (tires screech) 329 00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,965 (groans) 330 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,216 (wind whistling) 331 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,176 Here, lizard, lizard, lizard. 332 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,012 Who wants to be famous? 333 00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,722 Look at all those skeletons. 334 00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,433 Mexicans sure love Halloween. 335 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,851 Whoa! 336 00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,937 D'oh! (grunts) What the...? (grunts) 337 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,982 ??? ??? 338 00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,361 (groans) Wha... 339 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,697 Oh, I'm trapped in a ravine. 340 00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:10,951 Only one thing to do: wait patiently for death. 341 00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:15,539 -Dad, wake up! -(mumbles) What? 342 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,249 Yeah, get up, fat-ass. 343 00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,418 Who the hell are you, talking cactuses? 344 00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,378 We're the kids you're never gonna have 345 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,881 if you don't get your lazy butt out of that hole. 346 00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:27,051 And technically, it's "cacti." 347 00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,386 -Ow! -(laughs) 348 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,680 Why should I climb out of here and have you? 349 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,892 Marge spends all her time taking care of that needy clown. 350 00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:37,478 I thought I was her passion project. 351 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,772 You know, someday you might appreciate a wife 352 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:41,732 who's developed empathy and patience 353 00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,901 for chubby, selfish men. 354 00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,570 (laughs) Look at that bald guy. 355 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,906 (laughs) He's so bald! 356 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,449 I don't think we'll ever be born. 357 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:52,451 Sorry, Maggie. 358 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,411 Eat my thorns. (hums) 359 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:55,871 Why, you prickly...! 360 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,957 (shouting angrily, Bart choking) 361 00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,253 (gulping) 362 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,047 (panting) 363 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,510 A casa. I'm saved. 364 00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,514 Ay, caramba! 365 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,936 The Pain Lords forced me to mine every quarry on this planet, 366 00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:23,357 but they never imagined I had the Love Gem all along. 367 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,860 And... cut. 368 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,989 That was amazing. 369 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,949 And you remembered all your lines. 370 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,201 Aw, thanks... 371 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,911 Marge. 372 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,956 You've helped me become what every director should be: 373 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,834 an amiable guy who makes everyone suffer 374 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,961 through his hellish process. 375 00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,671 Homer's been kidnapped. 376 00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,881 -(gasps) -There's a note. 377 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,968 (speaking Spanish) 378 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,554 "We have taken your blubbering coward." 379 00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,639 (speaking Spanish) 380 00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:01,979 "The ransom is $1 million 381 00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:04,982 or 100 Los Angeles Raiders season tickets." 382 00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,735 -(speaking Spanish) -"Go, Raiders." 383 00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,987 Oh, geez, I'm sorry, everyone. 384 00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,322 We don't have the cash to ransom that kid, 385 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,366 but I think I know what he'd want: 386 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,827 a special thanks in the closing credits 387 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,330 right before which kind of film stock we used. 388 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:21,665 Back to work. 389 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,668 No. This crew looks after its own. 390 00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,462 We're gonna save Homer, 391 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:30,174 and I don't care how much golden time they have to pay us. 392 00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,760 (echoing boom) 393 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,513 Yeah, we don't have a million-dollar ransom, 394 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,017 but we do have one thing: movie magic. 395 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,935 Powder up, everyone! 396 00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,439 (all shouting) 397 00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,485 -(laughs) - Ay, ay, ay! (speaks Spanish) 398 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,111 "Ay, ay, ay," indeed. 399 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,530 (men gasping) 400 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,699 Give us back our P.A.! 401 00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:59,369 The Americans, they have weapons from the future. 402 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,122 -(shouting) -Yar! 403 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:05,209 These weapons from the future, they are not real. 404 00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,881 (imitating laser gun firing) 405 00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,550 (imitating laser gun firing) 406 00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,885 (groans) 407 00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,972 Stop shooting. Stop shooting! Cut! 408 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,059 Okay, that's a five. 409 00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,228 We don't have your million dollars, 410 00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:27,064 but we can give you something much more valuable: 411 00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,899 a Hollywood movie. 412 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,653 All we want back is the lowliest member of our crew. 413 00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:35,447 We could sell it to the highest bidder at MIFED! 414 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,657 You have a deal. 415 00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:40,327 No, no! You can't give away my masterwork. 416 00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,664 "There's a light that shines from star to star, 417 00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:48,085 from soul to soul, connecting everyone in the universe." 418 00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,587 Be the man who believes in those words, 419 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:55,259 and let the light between me and Homer give life to our universe. 420 00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,931 Gentlemen, the film is yours. 421 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,273 You're a good man, Krusty. 422 00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,108 Only when I'm with you, 423 00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:14,528 which is why I never want to see you again. 424 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,822 I want that, too. 425 00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,616 I've done a lot of interviews, man, but wow. 426 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,703 I-I am so glad that Byron Allen canceled. 427 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,122 And after that, my movie career was kaput. 428 00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,124 I was sent back to kids TV 429 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,961 and never cared about making anything good ever again. 430 00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:34,006 Well, folks, you heard it. Who could ever forget it? 431 00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:38,302 A heartbreaking story about a selfish man's one selfless act. 432 00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,678 Do you like hot cashews 433 00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,847 but don't have the time to heat them up? 434 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,350 'ShewBlasters is disrupting the heated nut business. 435 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,728 If the 'Shew heats, eat it! 436 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,063 (Krusty groans) 437 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,118 -BART: Mom! Dad! -You guys never told us 438 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,995 you worked on a movie together. 439 00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,330 So that's why you've been wearing 440 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,207 that crew jacket all these years. 441 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:11,168 That crazy movie? Oh, man, that was a long time ago. 442 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,754 -We were just kids. -What was it like? 443 00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,547 Well, working on that movie set 444 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,008 turned out to be a lot like our marriage. 445 00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:21,094 Long days, stupid fights you don't remember, 446 00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,096 but damn good breakfasts. 447 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,766 A good breakfast can get you through a lot. 448 00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:28,894 But what happened to the movie? Did Krusty ever see it? 449 00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,854 I don't know. I guess we'll never know. 450 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,105 (light buzzing) 451 00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,192 The love crystal is whole once more. 452 00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:38,570 The prophecy is fulfilled. 453 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,573 ??? ??? 454 00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:51,041 (laughter) 455 00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,294 -What? Why are they laughing? -They think it's a comedy. 456 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,757 (groans) It was supposed to show how we're all connected. 457 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,136 Look around, man. Maybe it did. Maybe it did. 458 00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,306 If you think this is closure, you're nuts. 459 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,998 CREW GUY: Wahh-wahh. 460 00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,003 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH