1
00:00:05,630 --> 00:00:07,632
(horns honking)
2
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,676
Sorry, little dudes,
we're gonna be here a while.
3
00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,387
A truck broke down, and the cops
are taking their sweet time
4
00:00:12,470 --> 00:00:13,930
clearing it up.
5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,725
-(laughs) He thinks
my tummy is a mountain.
-(bleating)
6
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:18,852
Lou, Lou, quick, take a selfie.
7
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:20,854
Yeah, it's not a selfie
if I take it.
8
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:22,647
-(bleating)
-He's kissing me.
9
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,774
Take a selfie! Take a selfie!
10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,402
-Ah, man, my phone's dead.
-(phones clicking)
11
00:00:27,485 --> 00:00:29,487
Milhouse, what am I missing
in the group text?
12
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,114
It's awesome.
13
00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,116
You're never gonna get
caught up.
14
00:00:33,199 --> 00:00:34,993
(text messages chirping,
Bart groans)
15
00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:38,580
Mm. What kind of jazz you
listening to, stupid or boring?
16
00:00:38,663 --> 00:00:40,790
It's Marc Maron's podcast.
17
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,918
He does cool interviews
with really interesting people.
18
00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:45,920
Lame, lame, don't know him.
19
00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:47,922
Lame, lame,
don't know her.
20
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,091
Loudon Wainwright, lame, lame.
21
00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,720
(gasps)
This guy interviewed Krusty?
22
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:58,808
Yeah. Hey, no, aw,
that's my ear bu... Ew.
23
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,477
It's yours now.
24
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,146
MARC MARON:
Wow. That's incredible, Krusty.
25
00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:04,981
I mean, really, I'm blown away.
26
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,734
Yeah, well, it's true.
It's absolutely true.
27
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:10,653
I have a phobia of pies.
28
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,740
That's so crazy because,
I mean, we've all seen you get
29
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,992
hit in the face with pies
on your show.
30
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,245
No, no, no, those are cakes
decorated as pies.
31
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:23,083
Oh, right, so that's how
you make yourself feel safe.
32
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,919
It's not the crust;
it's the fillings.
33
00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:28,004
Krusty, I got to ask you
about something,
34
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,131
and-and I don't want you
to get defensive,
35
00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,925
but it's something
you've never talked about.
36
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:35,261
Can you tell me about
The Sands of Space?
37
00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:38,098
Oh, no.
That's off-limits, soul patch!
38
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:39,849
We could talk about
the exploding milkshakes
39
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,309
in your Laffy Meals.
40
00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:43,103
Did they ever find
those kids' noses?
41
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,980
Okay, okay, I'll tell you about
The Sands of Space,
42
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:49,651
the movie that almost
consumed my soul.
43
00:01:49,734 --> 00:01:51,027
(electric can opener whirring)
44
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,071
-Yeah, yeah, keep talking.
-(cats mewling)
45
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:54,531
I'm just feeding the cats.
46
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:58,034
(loudly): It all began back in
the golden age of Hollywood,
47
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:02,288
the late 1980s,
when high concept was king.
48
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,125
You'd mix two kooky words
together in the title,
49
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:08,002
put a rap song at the end
that explains the plot,
50
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:12,465
and, bam, you're on the cover
of Premiere magazine.
51
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:15,385
I had starred in the hit
action buddy comedy
52
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:17,011
Good Cop, Dog Cop,
53
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,848
where I played
a murdered police officer
54
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:23,226
who is reincarnated as his
partner's pet Saint Bernard.
55
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:27,021
Five smashed squad cars,
100 exploded helicopters,
56
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:29,190
and the mayor's wife has fleas.
57
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,067
Turn in your badge
and your collar.
58
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,986
You're suspended for a month!
59
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:35,071
For me,
that's like seven months.
60
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,115
Dog Cop!
61
00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:38,700
(grunting)
62
00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:40,702
KRUSTY:
Suddenly, everyone in town
63
00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:42,996
was dying to be
in the Krusty business,
64
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,832
and I was dipping shrimp
with all the big talents
65
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,835
I once longed to see fail.
66
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:52,380
And, of course, what the studio
wanted most was a sequel.
67
00:02:52,463 --> 00:02:54,007
Okay, Krusty, we've got
68
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:57,635
Good Cop, Dog Cop 2:
Golden Revolver all lined up.
69
00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,512
We, uh... who-who did the...
70
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,098
The two Terrys, they just
turned in a great script.
71
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,517
Savage Sam Borgberg
is all set to direct.
72
00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:06,186
So when do we start?
73
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:08,688
I get it.
You think I'm just some hack,
74
00:03:08,771 --> 00:03:11,941
out to churn out lazy sequels
for a quick buck.
75
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,235
Yes.
76
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,030
This is my next movie.
77
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,865
The Sands of Space?
78
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,241
Krusty, are you kidding me?
79
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:23,328
This is the most famously
un-filmable book in history.
80
00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:27,207
It made Kubrick a recluse.
It-it drove Coppola to wine.
81
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,125
The four Jeffs tried
to write a script,
82
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,877
but even they couldn't crack it.
83
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,464
When I bought this at
an adult bookstore by mistake,
84
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,424
it changed my life.
85
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:39,093
"There's a light that shines
from star to star,
86
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:43,056
from soul to soul, connecting
everyone in the universe."
87
00:03:43,139 --> 00:03:45,475
Wow.
88
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,311
It's not landing for me
that the hero doesn't
89
00:03:48,394 --> 00:03:51,689
refuse the quest
before he accepts the quest.
90
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,274
Is that landing for you?
91
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:56,069
Look, I'm not drinking
out of one more toilet
92
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,112
until you green-light
this movie.
93
00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,823
And I'm not playing
a dog, either. (grunts)
94
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,243
All right, we got a comic
who wants to make
95
00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:05,995
a hippie-dippie
science-fiction vanity project.
96
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,832
Here's what we do: we humor him,
and we make it dirt cheap.
97
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,751
We could shoot it
in Mexico for nothing.
98
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,753
We hire a has-been to direct it
99
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:16,089
and never-wases
to do everything else.
100
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:19,592
After it bombs, that clown will
come scooting his butt back here
101
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,972
to make all the Dog Cop movies
we want. Two more.
102
00:04:24,055 --> 00:04:26,015
KRUSTY:
The Sands of Space was a go,
103
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,643
and the studio hired
the least-qualified crew
104
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:31,312
they could find,
including a young couple
105
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,856
whose love was just
starting to bloom.
106
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,817
She was full of optimism,
107
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:39,070
and he was slightly less fat
than he was going to be.
108
00:04:39,153 --> 00:04:40,697
What could be cooler?
109
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:44,367
You and me working on a movie
together all summer long
110
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,995
as production assistants.
111
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:48,871
It's so romantic.
112
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,332
We'll be like Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton
113
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,793
if they had to get coffee
for everybody.
114
00:04:53,876 --> 00:04:55,295
(both moaning)
115
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:56,629
(indistinct chatter)
116
00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,633
All right, everyone,
saddle up for Ju??rez, Mexico.
117
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:03,303
That's where I shot
Manhattan Mix Up.
118
00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,139
Lost a lot of good men
on that show.
119
00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:08,641
Now, move it out!
120
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,602
??? ???
121
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:18,776
HOMER:
Why are we stopping?
122
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,862
SKINNER:
Oh, the bus has been
leaking oil for miles.
123
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:22,071
Look behind us.
124
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,407
HOMER:
Those things were literal?
125
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,492
-??? ???
-(Homer chuckling)
126
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:36,002
The Sands of Space,
day one, shot one, take one.
127
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,087
And... action!
128
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,341
So barren, so alien,
129
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,926
yet somehow... familiar.
130
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,220
Hey! What the hell is this?!
131
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,722
Cut. Cut it!
132
00:05:47,805 --> 00:05:51,684
This sand is sand-colored.
It's supposed to be red!
133
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:54,187
So what? Sand is sand.
134
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,855
Did you even read the book?
135
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,775
These blood dunes
are all that's left of humanity
136
00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,777
after the Rust Wars!
137
00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:03,196
What's to read?
It's a space picture.
138
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:06,032
Laser cars,
girls with octopus arms,
139
00:06:06,115 --> 00:06:08,576
zip zap glip glorp,
and it's in the can.
140
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:10,787
Look, you no-talent
bag of wrinkles!
141
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,039
Go back to whatever
Toluca Lake drunk tank
142
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:14,707
they fished you out of,
143
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,335
because you're not getting
anywhere near my movie!
144
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,879
(grunts, blows nose)
145
00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:22,090
Sir, I've worked
in moving pictures
146
00:06:22,173 --> 00:06:24,050
since they were
called "stillies."
147
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:26,969
I once shot a two-hour picture
in 90 minutes.
148
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,932
And so I say to you, in the
words of Miss Lillian Gish,
149
00:06:31,015 --> 00:06:32,809
go crap in your hat.
150
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:38,439
And now, if you'll excuse me,
151
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,734
I am going to mysteriously drown
in the ocean.
152
00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:48,491
As you may have heard, there's
been an amicable parting of ways
153
00:06:48,574 --> 00:06:51,661
with that moron director.
We wish him well.
154
00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:54,831
Clearly, there's only one artist
close enough to this film
155
00:06:54,914 --> 00:06:57,917
-to direct it: me.
-(all gasp)
156
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,753
I know what you're thinking:
have I taken on too much
157
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,922
by starring
and directing a movie
158
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,591
that I was also tricked
into cofinancing?
159
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,220
No, because this story
must be told.
160
00:07:11,013 --> 00:07:12,974
This is so exciting.
161
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:16,936
Krusty's got the passion and
vision to make this movie great.
162
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:19,105
(sobbing)
163
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:22,316
I have no idea
how to make a movie.
164
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,112
I know nothing.
(sobbing)
165
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:28,489
All these people are screwed.
166
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:32,493
And the crew gift
is just a T-shirt. (sobbing)
167
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,414
Right, right, I-I get it.
168
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:38,541
In the tradition
of every actor ever,
169
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:41,544
-you thought you could direct.
-Directing seemed so easy.
170
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:44,380
You just hold your hands like
this, then bing, bang, boom,
171
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,215
Annie Leibovitz
is taking your portrait
172
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,967
in a bathtub full of milk.
173
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,636
(laughs) Yeah, talk about
pressure, though.
174
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,722
Man, I remember once
I was filming a special
175
00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,098
at the Laugh Basement
in Tampa...
176
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,600
This isn't about you!
177
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:58,019
You got your ad in
for Dollar Doorknob Club.
178
00:07:58,102 --> 00:07:59,979
Now, let me talk.
179
00:08:00,062 --> 00:08:02,899
KRUSTY:
They say in Hollywood,
"Nobody knows anything."
180
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,485
Well, I knew a lot less
than that.
181
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:08,029
What do you like
for the princess's headpiece,
182
00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:11,365
-feathers or scales?
-I don't know, how about scales?
183
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,826
Oh, well, there goes
the whole costume budget.
184
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,244
Uh, for the crew lunch,
185
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,079
the grips want
their hot dogs boiled,
186
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:18,664
but the gaffers
want them grilled.
187
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:22,001
Either way, I don't got no
hot dogs, so, uh, which is it?
188
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,504
Do you want the spaceship doors
to open like,
189
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,840
"Zzztt-zzztt," "ppswishh"
or "wahh-wahh"?
190
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,675
Judd Nelson won't come out
of his trailer.
191
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:32,178
Christian Slater won't go back
into his trailer.
192
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,180
How many sugars do you want
in your coffee?
193
00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:36,182
Stop asking me things!
194
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,684
Is this an official break,
or are we taking a five?
195
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,687
-(screams)
-Wahh-wahh.
196
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,023
Hmm, that poor clown man.
197
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:47,360
This movie is his dream,
and it's falling apart.
198
00:08:47,443 --> 00:08:50,363
Yeah, that's Mexico
showbiz for you.
199
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,198
(grunting)
200
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,200
??? ???
201
00:08:54,283 --> 00:08:55,576
(groans)
202
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,953
(whirring)
203
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,956
Oh, is nothing
on this movie real?
204
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,916
Um, are you okay?
205
00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:07,046
Okay? I'm a total fraud who
can't make a single decision.
206
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,590
-Well, maybe you just need
to start with a small one.
-(groans)
207
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:12,718
Like, what color should
the space monster's blood be,
208
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,387
orange or green?
209
00:09:14,470 --> 00:09:16,472
Both. Neither. I don't know!
210
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,473
(grunts)
211
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,934
Just close your eyes,
breathe deeply,
212
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:23,271
and envision the blood.
What color is it?
213
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:25,898
Orange.
214
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,568
There you go. You decided.
215
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:32,154
Of course! Orange!
I knew I was a genius!
216
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,907
I did it! I directed a movie!
217
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:36,617
Well, it's just one decision.
218
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:39,245
Oh, I'm a nothing.
A phony-baloney.
219
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:41,455
A no-talent. A zilch.
220
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:46,085
Ah, just my luck to work for the
only insecure person in showbiz.
221
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:49,422
You risked everything you have
to tell this story.
222
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:51,132
It must be special.
223
00:09:51,215 --> 00:09:53,926
Maybe I can do this,
with your help.
224
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:57,555
How would you like to be
assistant to the director?
225
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:58,598
Really?
226
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,309
I need you to help me
be decisive.
227
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:04,103
No, wait, I don't want that!
Oh, God, which one?
228
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,439
-The first, the first.
-You're hired.
229
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,024
Oh!
230
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:09,442
(indistinct chatter)
231
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,944
Add more dynamite.
232
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:15,323
Uh, those explosives are
really close to those extras.
233
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,991
So? We got plenty of them.
234
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,285
That's why they're called
"extras," right?
235
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,121
(Krusty grunting)
236
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:26,334
You tell that lox
to go to acting school
237
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:29,337
and work there as a janitor.
238
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:33,049
Krusty loves what you're doing.
Same energy, little quicker.
239
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,551
Tell him to sod off.
240
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,803
He says, "You got it, baby."
241
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,848
It's so much pressure.
The whole movie depends on it.
242
00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:43,434
Tell the story
that needs to be told.
243
00:10:43,517 --> 00:10:45,186
That butt double
for the action scene,
244
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:48,147
that butt double for the
love scene. Let's make art!
245
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,857
??? ???
246
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,400
Sorry I'm late,
247
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,403
but Krusty and I were
storyboarding tomorrow's shots.
248
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:59,158
Close-up, medium, long, long,
establishing, close,
249
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:03,245
POV, wide, and then--
get this-- medium.
250
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:06,666
You've been so busy with
that director, I never see you.
251
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,752
Krusty needs me.
He's under so much pressure.
252
00:11:09,835 --> 00:11:13,339
You wouldn't believe how much
directing dust he's sniffing.
253
00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:14,882
Everyone's working hard.
254
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:17,843
We had to repaint all the sets
black and white for a flashback.
255
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,595
We wouldn't have been
able to do it
256
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,389
if not for all the crew powder.
257
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:22,890
Well, it'll all be worth it
258
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:25,184
when this movie touches
people's hearts,
259
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:29,063
as Peabo Bryson sings
the theme song over the credits.
260
00:11:29,146 --> 00:11:30,690
You got Peabo?
261
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,859
-Well, he hasn't committed.
-He's not the only one.
262
00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:36,028
This was supposed to be
a romantic adventure,
263
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:39,031
but whenever we have a moment
alone, your beeper goes off.
264
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:43,077
Why don't we have
a romantic adventure right now?
265
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,204
-Oh, yeah, baby.
-(moaning)
266
00:11:45,287 --> 00:11:46,956
(pager beeps)
267
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,875
(both moaning)
268
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,377
Wahh-wahh.
269
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,337
(humming a tune)
270
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,925
-Where were you?
-(gasps)
271
00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:01,721
I had to watch the dailies
without you.
272
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:03,889
Greetings. Welcome.
273
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,977
Greetings. Welcome.
Greetings. Welcome. Greetings.
274
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:10,771
I've been going back and forth
all night. Which is better?
275
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,733
-Did you get one with "Hello"?
-(screams)
276
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:18,571
I'm sorry, I was with Homer,
my boyfriend.
277
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:21,824
Boyfriend? You can't have
a boyfriend. I want you!
278
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:23,159
Krusty!
279
00:12:23,242 --> 00:12:24,827
Not like a lady.
280
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:29,123
Like a "mother slash therapist
slash rabbi" who xeroxes things.
281
00:12:29,206 --> 00:12:30,750
Dump the boyfriend.
282
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:35,838
I believe in this movie, but I
also believe in Homer and Marge.
283
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,759
Me, I'm Marge.
284
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:43,596
Oh, yes, Marge.
Marge. I knew that.
285
00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:46,682
Marge. Marge.
286
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:50,352
I'm not going to break up
with Homer. He's my soul mate.
287
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,314
Hmm. You know what? I get it.
288
00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,608
Your life has to come first.
289
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:59,111
Yet again, you're the only one
who can set me straight.
290
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,114
-Thank you.
-(laughs) That's all right.
291
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,699
It's not all right.
292
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,285
I'm gonna grind
that boyfriend down finer
293
00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:08,788
than this movie's red sand...
294
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,123
that I now wish
was sand-colored.
295
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:13,375
-(intercom buzzes)
-Send in my anesthesiologist
296
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,336
so I can take a nap.
297
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,296
Dreams or no dreams?
298
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,256
Surprise me.
299
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,300
(gas hissing)
300
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:22,718
(Homer grunts, Marge gasps)
301
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,428
(laughs)
302
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,475
Wow, it's crazy, man, right?
303
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,977
How narcissism and insecurity
go hand in hand?
304
00:13:32,061 --> 00:13:33,813
I mean, you couldn't function
305
00:13:33,896 --> 00:13:35,815
because your assistant
had a boyfriend.
306
00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,399
Where does that jealousy
come from?
307
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,235
How would I know?
I fired my shrink
308
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,321
after I found out she was seeing
other patients. Anyway...
309
00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,365
KRUSTY:
I made sure the boyfriend
310
00:13:44,448 --> 00:13:47,284
had all the most dangerous jobs
on the set.
311
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,204
I'm out of breakfast burritos.
312
00:13:50,287 --> 00:13:52,873
(overlapping shouting,
Homer screams)
313
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,544
(tires screech)
314
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,629
Bring in the stunt dummy.
315
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,092
(Homer screams)
316
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:04,593
(thud, Homer grunts)
317
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,221
Perfect. Let's get
one more for safety.
318
00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,390
(Homer grumbling)
319
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:12,726
I'm telling you, your crazy boss
is out to get me.
320
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,855
No, he's not.
Krusty loves our relationship.
321
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,023
Every day,
he says it would be a shame
322
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:22,152
if something happened to you,
then laughs and laughs.
323
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,822
Then why are they sending me out
to the middle of the desert
324
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:27,825
to find a lizard for a new scene
about a space lizard?
325
00:14:27,908 --> 00:14:30,494
Hmm, that does sound
a little dangerous.
326
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,414
No, I'm sure it's super safe.
327
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,916
I'll see you
when I get back alive.
328
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:37,960
(tires screech)
329
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:42,965
(groans)
330
00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,216
(wind whistling)
331
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,176
Here, lizard, lizard, lizard.
332
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,012
Who wants to be famous?
333
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:49,722
Look at all those skeletons.
334
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,433
Mexicans sure love Halloween.
335
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,851
Whoa!
336
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:56,937
D'oh! (grunts)
What the...? (grunts)
337
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,982
??? ???
338
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,361
(groans) Wha...
339
00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:06,697
Oh, I'm trapped in a ravine.
340
00:15:06,780 --> 00:15:10,951
Only one thing to do:
wait patiently for death.
341
00:15:12,828 --> 00:15:15,539
-Dad, wake up!
-(mumbles) What?
342
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,249
Yeah, get up, fat-ass.
343
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,418
Who the hell are you,
talking cactuses?
344
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:21,378
We're the kids
you're never gonna have
345
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,881
if you don't get your lazy butt
out of that hole.
346
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:27,051
And technically, it's "cacti."
347
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,386
-Ow!
-(laughs)
348
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,680
Why should I climb out of here
and have you?
349
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,892
Marge spends all her time
taking care of that needy clown.
350
00:15:34,975 --> 00:15:37,478
I thought I was
her passion project.
351
00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,772
You know, someday
you might appreciate a wife
352
00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:41,732
who's developed
empathy and patience
353
00:15:41,815 --> 00:15:43,901
for chubby, selfish men.
354
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:46,570
(laughs)
Look at that bald guy.
355
00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,906
(laughs) He's so bald!
356
00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,449
I don't think
we'll ever be born.
357
00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:52,451
Sorry, Maggie.
358
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,411
Eat my thorns. (hums)
359
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:55,871
Why, you prickly...!
360
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,957
(shouting angrily,
Bart choking)
361
00:16:01,543 --> 00:16:03,253
(gulping)
362
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,047
(panting)
363
00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,510
A casa. I'm saved.
364
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:13,514
Ay, caramba!
365
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,936
The Pain Lords forced me to mine
every quarry on this planet,
366
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:23,357
but they never imagined
I had the Love Gem all along.
367
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,860
And... cut.
368
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,989
That was amazing.
369
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,949
And you remembered
all your lines.
370
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:34,201
Aw, thanks...
371
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,911
Marge.
372
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,956
You've helped me become
what every director should be:
373
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,834
an amiable guy
who makes everyone suffer
374
00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:43,961
through his hellish process.
375
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:45,671
Homer's been kidnapped.
376
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:47,881
-(gasps)
-There's a note.
377
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,968
(speaking Spanish)
378
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,554
"We have taken
your blubbering coward."
379
00:16:53,637 --> 00:16:55,639
(speaking Spanish)
380
00:17:00,310 --> 00:17:01,979
"The ransom is $1 million
381
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:04,982
or 100 Los Angeles Raiders
season tickets."
382
00:17:05,065 --> 00:17:07,735
-(speaking Spanish)
-"Go, Raiders."
383
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:09,987
Oh, geez, I'm sorry, everyone.
384
00:17:10,070 --> 00:17:12,322
We don't have the cash
to ransom that kid,
385
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,366
but I think I know
what he'd want:
386
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,827
a special thanks
in the closing credits
387
00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,330
right before which kind
of film stock we used.
388
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:21,665
Back to work.
389
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:24,668
No. This crew
looks after its own.
390
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,462
We're gonna save Homer,
391
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:30,174
and I don't care how much
golden time they have to pay us.
392
00:17:31,341 --> 00:17:32,760
(echoing boom)
393
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:36,513
Yeah, we don't have
a million-dollar ransom,
394
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:40,017
but we do have one thing:
movie magic.
395
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,935
Powder up, everyone!
396
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,439
(all shouting)
397
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:49,485
-(laughs)
- Ay, ay, ay! (speaks Spanish)
398
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,111
"Ay, ay, ay," indeed.
399
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,530
(men gasping)
400
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:55,699
Give us back our P.A.!
401
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:59,369
The Americans, they have weapons
from the future.
402
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:02,122
-(shouting)
-Yar!
403
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:05,209
These weapons from the future,
they are not real.
404
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,881
(imitating laser gun firing)
405
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:13,550
(imitating laser gun firing)
406
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,885
(groans)
407
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:18,972
Stop shooting.
Stop shooting! Cut!
408
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,059
Okay, that's a five.
409
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,228
We don't have
your million dollars,
410
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:27,064
but we can give you something
much more valuable:
411
00:18:27,147 --> 00:18:28,899
a Hollywood movie.
412
00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:32,653
All we want back is
the lowliest member of our crew.
413
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:35,447
We could sell it to
the highest bidder at MIFED!
414
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,657
You have a deal.
415
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:40,327
No, no! You can't give away
my masterwork.
416
00:18:40,410 --> 00:18:43,664
"There's a light that shines
from star to star,
417
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:48,085
from soul to soul, connecting
everyone in the universe."
418
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,587
Be the man who believes
in those words,
419
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:55,259
and let the light between me and
Homer give life to our universe.
420
00:18:58,095 --> 00:19:00,931
Gentlemen, the film is yours.
421
00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:09,273
You're a good man, Krusty.
422
00:19:09,356 --> 00:19:11,108
Only when I'm with you,
423
00:19:11,191 --> 00:19:14,528
which is why I never
want to see you again.
424
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,822
I want that, too.
425
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,616
I've done a lot of interviews,
man, but wow.
426
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,703
I-I am so glad
that Byron Allen canceled.
427
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,122
And after that,
my movie career was kaput.
428
00:19:25,205 --> 00:19:27,124
I was sent back to kids TV
429
00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,961
and never cared about
making anything good ever again.
430
00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:34,006
Well, folks, you heard it.
Who could ever forget it?
431
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:38,302
A heartbreaking story about a
selfish man's one selfless act.
432
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:39,678
Do you like hot cashews
433
00:19:39,761 --> 00:19:41,847
but don't have the time
to heat them up?
434
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:45,350
'ShewBlasters is disrupting
the heated nut business.
435
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,728
If the 'Shew heats, eat it!
436
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,063
(Krusty groans)
437
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,118
-BART: Mom! Dad!
-You guys never told us
438
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,995
you worked on a movie together.
439
00:20:05,078 --> 00:20:06,330
So that's why
you've been wearing
440
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,207
that crew jacket
all these years.
441
00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:11,168
That crazy movie? Oh, man,
that was a long time ago.
442
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:13,754
-We were just kids.
-What was it like?
443
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:15,547
Well, working on that movie set
444
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,008
turned out to be
a lot like our marriage.
445
00:20:18,091 --> 00:20:21,094
Long days, stupid fights
you don't remember,
446
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:23,096
but damn good breakfasts.
447
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:25,766
A good breakfast
can get you through a lot.
448
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:28,894
But what happened to the movie?
Did Krusty ever see it?
449
00:20:28,977 --> 00:20:30,854
I don't know.
I guess we'll never know.
450
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,105
(light buzzing)
451
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,192
The love crystal
is whole once more.
452
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:38,570
The prophecy is fulfilled.
453
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,573
??? ???
454
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:51,041
(laughter)
455
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:54,294
-What? Why are they laughing?
-They think it's a comedy.
456
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:58,757
(groans) It was supposed to show
how we're all connected.
457
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,136
Look around, man.
Maybe it did. Maybe it did.
458
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,306
If you think this is closure,
you're nuts.
459
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:30,998
CREW GUY:
Wahh-wahh.
460
00:21:34,042 --> 00:21:36,003
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH