1 00:00:08,925 --> 00:00:10,260 -(water splattering) -Sorry, Dad, 2 00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:12,303 but it looks like I've conquered you at Risk, 3 00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:14,014 -bankrupted you at Monopoly... -HOMER: Hmm. Hmm. 4 00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:15,974 ...and aggravated you at Aggravation. 5 00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,350 Well, with you as a daughter, 6 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:19,269 I'm a winner in the game of Life. 7 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:20,812 Although, I lost that, too. 8 00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:22,814 (grunts) Such a good father. 9 00:00:22,897 --> 00:00:24,816 Everyone is really getting along. 10 00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,860 What the hell is going on? 11 00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:28,319 There's no Bart. 12 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,947 -Mm. You're right. -Where is he? 13 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:32,490 Ladies, relax. 14 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,659 Remember when I said I'd punish Bart 15 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,996 after he got us... banned from the buffet? 16 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,414 (Bart chuckles) 17 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,959 I can't shut it off. 18 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:47,005 Someone wedged a seasonal Tuscan focaccia in the lever! 19 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,506 (laughs) 20 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:52,010 Well, Homie, whatever punishment you gave him must have worked. 21 00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:55,388 Yep, tough love. I'm his father, not his best friend. 22 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:58,558 He'll hate me now, but someday he'll say wonderful things 23 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:02,062 about me to people on airplanes who just want to go to sleep. 24 00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,731 -That young man will... -How did you punish him? 25 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:07,859 Well, I sat the boy down, looked him straight in the eye, 26 00:01:07,942 --> 00:01:11,196 and bought him a top-of-the-line computer gaming rig. 27 00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,531 -You what? -I get it. You bribed him. 28 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,825 Stay out of this. I did not bribe him. 29 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:18,369 I addicted him to something that will numb his spirit 30 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,872 until he's no longer our responsibility. 31 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,708 Well, it has been pretty peaceful around here. 32 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,878 Kill! Die! Die! Get rekt, noobs! 33 00:01:26,961 --> 00:01:30,048 (dramatic music playing) 34 00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:31,758 This is General Splattin'. Do you copy? 35 00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:33,343 -Copy. -BOTH: Copy. 36 00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:34,844 Jinx. You me a Coke. 37 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,347 (groans) I'll never be able to pay that bet. 38 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,723 Focus, Nelson, focus. 39 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,683 Kite the enemy into a gank. Squeeze it... 40 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,019 -on three... two... -(explosion) 41 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,229 GG! 42 00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,730 That means "good game." 43 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:49,400 It's how the other team lets you know... they surrender! 44 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,069 HOMER: Mm. 45 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,696 Now I hit control-six to defile their corpses. 46 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,031 Haw-haw! Haw-haw! 47 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,283 -Haw-haw! -(chickens clucking) 48 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,370 (dance music plays) 49 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,291 Civilized annihilation. 50 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:08,419 Marge, the boy just may be learning some life skills. 51 00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,380 Mom, do you agree with this? 52 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:13,133 I guess so. Your father is showing an interest in Bart, 53 00:02:13,216 --> 00:02:14,384 which is good. 54 00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,969 Well, if that's how things work, 55 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,929 then I'm gonna behave badly, too. 56 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:19,806 (both laughing) 57 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:22,600 -That's great! -Sure you are. 58 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:26,020 I'll show you! I'm gonna... tear up my homework. 59 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,564 (Lisa groans) 60 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:31,067 I'm really gonna do this. Here I go. 61 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:35,029 (groans) Actually, this bibliography could be improved. 62 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:36,614 (Lisa humming a tune) 63 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:39,117 -(typing) -Island of the Blue Dolphins. 64 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,452 Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 65 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,746 Op cit. Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 66 00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,623 Ibid. Ibid. Ibid. 67 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:47,625 (shower running) 68 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:50,128 Bart's been in the shower for an hour. 69 00:02:50,211 --> 00:02:52,005 (chuckles) With a young man that age, 70 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:55,300 there's only one reason he's in the bathroom that long. 71 00:02:55,383 --> 00:02:57,802 Skunk sprayed him good. 72 00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,471 Oh, my God, he's playing with himself! 73 00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:01,848 On that game. 74 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,684 He's playing that game in the shower? 75 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,477 We have to stop this right now. 76 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:07,979 Homer, take care of your son. 77 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,814 Make him quit. (groans) Geez Louise. 78 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:12,150 Sorry, boy, I have to put my foot down. 79 00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,359 I can't quit now. 80 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,028 My team's about to compete in a tournament. 81 00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:16,487 I can't let them down. 82 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,282 Well, team building is important. 83 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:22,410 All right, let yourself go, and your partner will support you. 84 00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:25,830 (screams, groans) 85 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:27,373 Damn you, Homer! 86 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:30,043 Please, Dad, can I play in this one last tournament? 87 00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:31,419 Sorry, boy, you're through. 88 00:03:31,502 --> 00:03:33,504 First prize is a thousand bucks. 89 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,173 You get paid to play video games? 90 00:03:35,256 --> 00:03:36,382 A thousand bucks. 91 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,218 -They actually pay you? -Yes. 92 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:39,969 -In dollars? -Yes. 93 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,013 -To play a video game? -That's right. 94 00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:44,682 -They pay you in cash? -Yes, yes, yes! 95 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,059 -How much? -A thousand! 96 00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:48,019 All right. Do not tell your mom, 97 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:50,021 but I'm gonna say yes, one last tournament. 98 00:03:50,104 --> 00:03:51,314 Oh, thank you, Dad. 99 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:53,191 Just one thing-- they actually pay you? 100 00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:54,567 Yes! 101 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:58,196 A thousand dollars to play video games? 102 00:03:58,279 --> 00:04:00,031 (dramatic music playing) 103 00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:02,367 Group up. Time to put these suckers away. 104 00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,953 Oh, yeah, show me some Gs, Odgenville. 105 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:12,043 We win! And it's all because I let them do it. 106 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:15,004 Now, apparently, the Evergreen Terrors have won, 107 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,049 uh, this thing I don't understand at all, 108 00:04:18,132 --> 00:04:21,427 but which gave the school new basketball nets. 109 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:26,349 Now to hand you your prize money, which is $1,000 cash. 110 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,186 Let go, Seymour. 111 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,562 I'm telling myself to. 112 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,898 I've never held this much money in my hand all at once. 113 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,608 Let me just, uh... (chuckles) 114 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,902 look at it. 115 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:42,198 $100 bill, autographed by Lawrence Summers. 116 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,159 Such a carefree signature, before the Great Recession. 117 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,953 HOMER: Mm. 118 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:50,581 Here you go, $200 each. Mm! 119 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,251 Okay, team, take a break and meet up for practice in 30. 120 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:55,378 My dad said we could all go to Krusty Burger. 121 00:04:55,461 --> 00:04:57,255 Is he giving us a discount? 122 00:04:57,338 --> 00:04:59,132 No, he just said we could go. 123 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,592 It'll be nice to have some kids in there again, 124 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,971 after what the monkey did during that birthday party. (groans) 125 00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,931 Whatever. Just meet in 30. 126 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,766 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know what, kids? 127 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,143 I'm gonna blow your minds 128 00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,478 with a little bit of hard-earned advice: 129 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,897 -Quit while you're ahead. -KIDS: Huh? 130 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,941 We can't quit. There's so many more tournaments. 131 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,943 You won one video game tournament. 132 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,945 This isn't like baseball or politics 133 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,405 where you can make real money. 134 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:25,283 You only have one childhood, kids. Enjoy it. 135 00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:27,618 Okay, but because we came in first 136 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:31,080 we qualified for a tournament where we could win $500,000. 137 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,832 Childhood's over. It's time for work. 138 00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:34,709 (phone vibrates) 139 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:43,926 Hmm. 140 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,054 Hmm? That's right, sweetie. 141 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,057 I'm gonna make your brother a champion. 142 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,060 Knock off that racket! 143 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,478 You're gonna defy Mom? 144 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,521 -Sit on my knee, boy. -I think I'm too old. 145 00:05:55,605 --> 00:05:57,982 You're never too old to sit on Daddy's knee. 146 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,859 -(bones crack) -Ow, my knee! Get off! Get off! 147 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,986 (groaning) 148 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,654 Son, here's a life lesson: 149 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,157 I don't directly tell your mother anything bad. 150 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,285 I secretly make her a part of everything she's against. 151 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,330 That's why I spent your winnings on her. 152 00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,290 Honey, I got you a present. 153 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,417 MARGE (gasps): An espresso pod machine, 154 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:19,045 like the one I made fun of at the Hibberts'. 155 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:22,632 Because you wanted it yourself. Let me pod you, my dear. 156 00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,676 -(machine whirring) -Ooh! What's the occasion? 157 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,678 The occasion is that I haven't been 158 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,972 as good of a father as I should. 159 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,725 Yes. Well, no, uh... 160 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,185 Don't argue. It's true. 161 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,187 I need to get more involved in Bart's life, 162 00:06:36,270 --> 00:06:38,231 so I've decided to be his coach. 163 00:06:38,314 --> 00:06:40,525 That's wonderful. Coaching what? 164 00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:42,693 Oh, I haven't landed on it yet. 165 00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,154 Football, chess, maybe even a silly video game. 166 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,657 It doesn't matter. Have some coffee. 167 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,659 I love how it doesn't fill the cup. 168 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:51,869 Very European. Mmm. 169 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,955 -It's a video game. -What? 170 00:06:55,998 --> 00:06:58,835 I guess if you're spending time together, what's the harm? 171 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,671 (singsongy): Look who's a dad. Look who's a dad. 172 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,381 I knew you'd be cool with it. 173 00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:05,550 Also, I hired a video game expert to tutor Bart. 174 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:06,926 His name is The Detonator. 175 00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,261 -(groans) -(doorbell rings) 176 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:13,349 "I can't make conversation unless it's about gaming." 177 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,893 Do you want to come in? 178 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:18,896 Do you want to go where they're playing the game? 179 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,523 Thank you, ma'am. 180 00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,359 Homer, I've watched Bart play-- here, on his Twitch feed, 181 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,778 and his HitForm, InstaBox, Gibtrack, Buzuba, 182 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,071 and YergaPunch streams. 183 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:29,907 Hmm, the only word I recognized was Gibtrack. 184 00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:32,368 I think Bart has what it takes to be top ten. 185 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,370 -Players? In the country? -Bigger. 186 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,247 -The galaxy? -Smaller. 187 00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:37,457 -World? -Yes. 188 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:38,708 Whoo-hoo. 189 00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,793 Kids, make sure you're in a chair that spins. 190 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,753 You're all gonna get a lesson from The Detonator. 191 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,297 Let's jump into a battle. 192 00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:46,716 To start, Bart and Nelson, we'll put you up front, 193 00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,718 and we'll back you up with Sophie and Milhouse. 194 00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,094 Booyah! 195 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,888 THE DETONATOR: Notice my finger is clicking the mouse 196 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,055 with a light, quick stroke 197 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,474 to limit joint fatigue and tracking error. 198 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,100 I'm clicking like the mouse button is hot. 199 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:57,977 Not too hot. Like the top of a toaster 200 00:07:58,060 --> 00:07:59,437 after an underdone bagel. 201 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,482 Okay, now I'm using that quick mouse stroke here and here, 202 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,901 which is how, Bart, you should drop diamonite mines 203 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,444 to surround their spawn points. 204 00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,070 Milhouse, make sure you're in position 205 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,614 to respond to enemy aggression. 206 00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,450 Sophie, when they make their move, go in and engage. 207 00:08:12,533 --> 00:08:15,786 My dad's been engaged 20 times. I know what to do. 208 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,330 Okay, now we're entering the mid-game, 209 00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:19,582 where it's important to keep focusing on major objectives 210 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:20,958 and control the map. 211 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,628 Okay, Homer, you watch the screen while I take a quick A.P. 212 00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:24,795 What's an A.P.? 213 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,839 It's a gamer abbreviation for "a pee." 214 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,633 Nerd lingo. Saves so much time. 215 00:08:28,716 --> 00:08:30,301 THE DETONATOR (over headsets): All right, I'm walking 216 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:31,469 through the kitchen, 217 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:32,929 blue-haired woman is feeding a baby. 218 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,347 I'm making eye contact. 219 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:37,350 MARGE: Your shoes have lace holes but no laces. 220 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,185 THE DETONATOR: Linoleum, linoleum. 221 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:41,270 Strafing into the bathroom, gonna go into defuel mode. 222 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:42,897 Lifting seat with shoe. 223 00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:44,732 Pro tip: Going over the belt saves time. 224 00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:45,983 Shaking, flushing and hand washing 225 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,818 are the real time killers. 226 00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:50,446 Once I cut those out, my lag time went way down. 227 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,032 Okay, these Water Mages have fuel tanks on their backs, 228 00:08:53,115 --> 00:08:54,867 so you can't hit them with standard spells, 229 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:58,454 but if I equip this staff that lets me cast lava quadballs... 230 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:02,041 I mistimed it. Oh, God, I mistimed. They killed me. 231 00:09:02,124 --> 00:09:05,002 Do you mind if I dance over your corpse? 232 00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,462 I'd be mad if you didn't. 233 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,006 -It's over for me. -Why? 234 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,384 I just lost my gaming edge. Right there, just now. 235 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,469 Been in the zone for years, and now I'm not. 236 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,846 (sighs) Time in a bottle, man, time in a bottle. 237 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,807 But you were gonna mold my team into winners, 238 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,475 and I was gonna live through them. 239 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,060 Just yesterday, I turned 19. 240 00:09:21,143 --> 00:09:23,062 Made it longer than most in this crazy biz. 241 00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:25,731 Anyway, I'm gonna go work for my uncle. He owns a tile store. 242 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,401 It'll be a good life. Good enough. 243 00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:30,069 Sucks to be old. 244 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:32,738 I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral, 245 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:36,325 mostly because he was racist, but I'm crying now. 246 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,370 (sobbing) 247 00:09:39,453 --> 00:09:42,081 (somber medieval music plays) 248 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,126 (crying) 249 00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:52,216 He taught us all he could. Now it's up to me. 250 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:55,219 -Do we get uniforms? -No. No uniforms. 251 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,555 You're a ragtag bunch without any sponsors 252 00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,515 that'll have everyone rooting for you. 253 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,726 Are you kids ready to turn this thing you like 254 00:10:01,809 --> 00:10:04,562 into something that will consume every waking minute? 255 00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,731 -KIDS: Maybe! -Hit the music! 256 00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,065 (dramatic orchestral music plays) 257 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,609 (trumpets loudly) 258 00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,657 (stopwatch dings) 259 00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:19,243 Kids, you need to practice 10,000 hours to get great. 260 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,620 Are you sure? 261 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,539 It's how long Malcolm Gladwell needed to think it up. 262 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,375 ♪ Bart is a champion ♪ 263 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,128 ♪ Which makes me a champion ♪ 264 00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:32,506 -♪ I am the champion of the... ♪ -Homer. 265 00:10:32,590 --> 00:10:33,883 ♪ World. ♪ Yes, Marge? 266 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:37,261 I've noticed how much time you've been spending with Bart. 267 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,596 I know what's coming. 268 00:10:38,679 --> 00:10:41,098 I'm riding him too hard, and you want me to pull back. 269 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,100 -No. -What the...? 270 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,811 Honestly, I worry so much about that boy, 271 00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,190 I'm afraid he's going to wind up in jail. 272 00:10:49,273 --> 00:10:51,776 Marge, his kill count is 98%. 273 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:53,611 Guys like that don't end up in jail. 274 00:10:53,694 --> 00:10:57,114 And I promise you, I will coach him as hard as I can. 275 00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,909 But will you also coach him to be a good man? 276 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,744 That's Flanders' job. 277 00:11:01,827 --> 00:11:03,621 -FLANDERS: I'm on it. -Aw. 278 00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:05,498 Mm. 279 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,252 (dramatic orchestral music playing) 280 00:11:14,256 --> 00:11:17,301 Homer Simpson? Go right in. 281 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,804 Welcome, Homer. Welcome to the club of dads 282 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:23,140 who live through their glorious athletic children. 283 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:24,975 (gasps) Tiger Woods' father. 284 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:28,646 Hey, I have a name, although I've forgotten it. 285 00:11:28,729 --> 00:11:30,314 Okay, so it's 5:00 in the morning. 286 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,607 My son is four. 287 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,484 He hits the boards and starts bleeding. 288 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,194 His elbow's sticking out of his skin. 289 00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:36,445 ALL: Ew! 290 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,155 Yeah, I got my camera, and he says, 291 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,241 (imitates crying) "Daddy, what are you doing?" 292 00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:43,661 I said, "I'm filming the last time you are ever gonna cry." 293 00:11:43,744 --> 00:11:45,663 (laughter) 294 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:49,041 -Oh, that is great. -Ha. Excellent coaching. 295 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:50,626 Really? It's not mean? 296 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,003 Homer, we're obsessive sports fathers, 297 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,755 so we're gonna teach you how to motivate 298 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,924 -the only way we know how. -Don't hit me. 299 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,509 Oh, we're gonna hit you, all right. 300 00:11:58,592 --> 00:12:00,386 With a song. 301 00:12:00,469 --> 00:12:02,388 ♪ ♪ 302 00:12:02,471 --> 00:12:04,223 ♪ Never wanted Roland-Garros ♪ 303 00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:06,225 ♪ Never made it to the show ♪ 304 00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:08,227 ♪ Never won the Stanley Cup trophy ♪ 305 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,479 ♪ For five years in a row ♪ 306 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,066 ♪ There's nothing in our lives that we ever really did ♪ 307 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,694 ♪ Except made our child a superstar ♪ 308 00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:19,113 ♪ And lived through our kid ♪ 309 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,365 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 310 00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,868 -♪ Wake him up at 5:00 ♪ -(air horn blows) 311 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:25,536 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 312 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:29,206 ♪ It's the only way to feel alive ♪ 313 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,208 ♪ Strap him to a hockey stick ♪ 314 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,377 ♪ While he is still asleep in bed ♪ 315 00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,005 ♪ Build a scary dragon to fire tennis balls ♪ 316 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,381 ♪ Right at his head ♪ 317 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,341 ♪ There's no training that's too torturous ♪ 318 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,385 ♪ Or cruel to play this game ♪ 319 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,387 ♪ Because when they win at Pebble Beach ♪ 320 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,223 ♪ You share in the fame ♪ 321 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:50,352 ♪ Live, live through your kid, homeschooled by his mom ♪ 322 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:53,606 ♪ Live, live through your kid ♪ 323 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:55,733 ♪ They'll surely come to hate you ♪ 324 00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:58,360 ♪ But that's later on ♪ 325 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:03,115 ♪ There is absolutely nothing like ♪ 326 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,201 ♪ Living through ♪ 327 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:10,164 ♪ Your kid. ♪ 328 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,543 This is still part of the dream, Homer. 329 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:18,714 MAN: No uniforms? 330 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,299 I'm rooting for those underdogs. 331 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,259 -Yay! -Yay! 332 00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:25,304 Yes, you are, and you don't even know why. 333 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:27,807 I just said, it's the no uniforms. 334 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:30,810 (laughs) Not a clue. 335 00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:33,771 Poke and harness those trolls. 336 00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:35,606 On it. Nelson, get ready to back me up 337 00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,149 in case their heroes engage on me. 338 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,609 On my way. 339 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:41,070 -It's a trap! -They're ganking me. 340 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:42,446 Damn it, they got me. 341 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,656 Respawning in 30. 342 00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:45,908 They're control-sixing my corpse. 343 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,493 We're gonna win. 344 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:49,203 (cheering) 345 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,248 It's coming, Gordy. 346 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:53,833 Hold on a minute. 347 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,961 Bart Simpson has not given the "GG." 348 00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:59,964 And the diamonite mine he planted in the dragon turds 349 00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:02,633 is exploding now. 350 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,468 (cheering) 351 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:07,471 Springfield is going to the world championships 352 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:11,809 in Seoul, South Korea, while the Canadian team is out. 353 00:14:11,892 --> 00:14:13,018 -Huh? -"Out"? 354 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:15,020 (sighs) "Oot." 355 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,481 -Yo, what the...? Oh, come on, what's that all about? -(grumbling) 356 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:18,816 And I am, too. 357 00:14:18,899 --> 00:14:20,484 This is the last match I'll announce. 358 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,778 I'm going to spend my time oil painting, 359 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,114 but my wife says not in the house. 360 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,535 Hey, sweetie, what's going on? 361 00:14:29,618 --> 00:14:31,996 I'm only talking to you now to prove a point. 362 00:14:32,079 --> 00:14:33,998 You've been spending all your time with Bart, 363 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,792 and you haven't paid any attention to me at all. 364 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,003 And I know you're just gonna respond with a, 365 00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:41,964 "That's nice, honey," and move on. I know it. 366 00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:43,382 That's nice, honey. 367 00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:46,093 Bart and I are going to South Korea. 368 00:14:46,176 --> 00:14:49,471 It'll be great, Lisa. We'll have girls time here. 369 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:51,807 Bake cookies, see the movies we want to see. 370 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,977 Mom, I try to spare you because I don't want you feeling 371 00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:58,814 thoroughly appropriate guilt for what this family does to me, 372 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,400 but now one of my dreams is within my grasp. 373 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:02,860 See? 374 00:15:02,943 --> 00:15:06,864 I want to go to South Korea, to the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery, 375 00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:10,701 because they teach something there so special, so magic, 376 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,202 it could be life-changing. 377 00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:15,873 It just never seemed possible, and I had to accept it. 378 00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:18,042 I'm holding onto a thin rope here, 379 00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:21,086 because if Bart and Dad go to Seoul and I miss out, 380 00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,546 I'll lose my grip. 381 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,381 (shouts) I'm losing it now! 382 00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:28,177 Hear me, hear me, dear God, someone hear me. 383 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,346 Help me before it's too late! 384 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,181 Girls trip to South Korea. 385 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:33,891 Oh, thank you, Mom. 386 00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:36,226 I'm going down to the basement to get my happy diary. 387 00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,312 You do that. 388 00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,524 ♪ ♪ 389 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,617 Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles. 390 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:53,827 It's a complete Thanksgiving dinner. 391 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,746 Pringles are for champions only. 392 00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,456 Milhouse, can I have a word with you? 393 00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:00,292 Oh, no. This is never, ever good. 394 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,503 (chuckles): Don't worry. This will be good. 395 00:16:02,586 --> 00:16:04,088 I lied. This is really bad. 396 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:06,298 Son, the rules say that we get to swap in 397 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,969 one player for this round, and I'm asking you to step down. 398 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,429 I'm always the one that has to step down. 399 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,264 That's why I chose you. 400 00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:17,476 -You've got rejection muscle. -Fine. 401 00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,812 Good boy. You're our Rudy. 402 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:23,065 -Rudy got to play. -I didn't say which Rudy. 403 00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:26,652 Can't you give me a pity job, like scorekeeper? 404 00:16:26,735 --> 00:16:28,195 Fine, you're scorekeeper. 405 00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:30,447 I don't want your pity job. 406 00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,993 Dad, I think you need a little more salt in your diet. 407 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,036 Where are you taking us? 408 00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,209 You know, I don't want to be here. 409 00:16:42,292 --> 00:16:43,794 Shh. We're here. 410 00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:47,047 Are you sure these are safe here? 411 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:50,884 No, this whole temple is a scam to collect smelly shoes. 412 00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,928 I knew it. 413 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,680 This is what I was talking about. 414 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,348 These are salt mandalas. 415 00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,017 This will change our lives. 416 00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:00,102 Start pouring the salt. 417 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,063 ♪ ♪ 418 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,569 Yum. Mm. 419 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,781 That's so beautiful. 420 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,993 I finally understand why you had to come here. 421 00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:17,911 So how do we get it home? 422 00:17:17,995 --> 00:17:20,164 I worry about it in my carry-on. 423 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:21,957 I'm gonna need a lot of glue. 424 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,543 -We don't. We destroy it. -What? 425 00:17:24,626 --> 00:17:28,005 To prove attachment to any material pursuit is meaningless. 426 00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:30,841 I'll start. 427 00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:32,843 Mom, you're tidying it. 428 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:35,179 Destroy it. 429 00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:37,306 Are you happy now? Because... 430 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,017 (gasps) I am. 431 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,686 Yes. You've achieved Zen. 432 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,980 Now you just have to do two more. 433 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,274 -MARGE: Hmm. -I'm gonna go check on Dad. 434 00:17:48,984 --> 00:17:51,904 You have been wasting your talents bowling. 435 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:53,405 You have to destroy it. 436 00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:55,240 Never! Never! Never! 437 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,117 (sneezes) Damn it! 438 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:02,247 Now do you see it? Do you see the meaninglessness 439 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:04,249 of striving for worldly things? 440 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,752 (gasps) I do. 441 00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:09,755 I am going to stop being so driven and ambitious... 442 00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:12,007 Don't you laugh, Missy. 443 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,051 Amazing Zen. 444 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:16,428 He's like the reincarnation of the Buddha. 445 00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:21,183 -(both gasp) -It is the Buddha. 446 00:18:21,266 --> 00:18:23,977 Great. Now I feel guilty I stole his shoes. 447 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,574 ♪ ♪ 448 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,576 ANNOUNCER: We're in the late game, 449 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,578 and the Evergreen Terrors have a narrow lead 450 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:43,455 against the Brazilian Blowouts, but... 451 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:46,041 where is Coach Homer Simpson? 452 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:51,797 Competition is meaningless. 453 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:03,809 To strive is to fail. 454 00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,770 Out of nowhere, the mind comes forth. 455 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,523 And a third thing. 456 00:19:12,192 --> 00:19:15,195 Time for the lava quadball. 457 00:19:17,698 --> 00:19:20,284 We're gonna win. Dad's crazy coaching worked. 458 00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:24,121 If I win, I'll be the most famous girl gamer of all time. 459 00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:25,998 Also, if I lose. 460 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:31,086 So beautiful. Must destroy. 461 00:19:37,050 --> 00:19:38,635 -(crowd groaning) -No! Not now. 462 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:40,762 -(electrical buzzing) -(crowd gasping) 463 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,309 (crowd shouting) 464 00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:46,768 ANNOUNCER: The match is canceled. No refunds. 465 00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,270 Send in the riot police. 466 00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:50,522 (slow piano version of "Suicide Is Painless" plays) 467 00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,123 ♪ ♪ 468 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,138 PILOT: Uh, welcome to our 19-hour-and-45-minute flight 469 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,641 from Seoul, South Korea to Springfield. 470 00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:28,810 One brief note: Our in-flight entertainment system 471 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,354 is not working at all. 472 00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:31,980 Have a great flight, folks. 473 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,982 -Also, we're out of almonds. -(Homer groans) 474 00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,568 Zen. Remember your Zen. 475 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,862 I'm sorry, you're too fat for coach. 476 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,739 We'll have to put you in first class. 477 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:43,533 Thanks to Buddha, I win again. 478 00:20:43,617 --> 00:20:46,495 Dad, I don't think you've quite grasped the religion. 479 00:20:46,578 --> 00:20:49,331 Two words: Boo-duh. 480 00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:51,667 (Lisa grumbles) 481 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,011 (snoring) 482 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:06,139 We don't want you anymore. You blew it. 483 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:09,142 Your son has a chance to be well-adjusted. 484 00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:11,520 -(all jeering) -Yeah, great. 485 00:21:11,603 --> 00:21:13,480 Wait, I've got a baby daughter. 486 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,482 Maybe she's good at beach volleyball. 487 00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:16,984 How old is she? 488 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,527 -One. -Too late. 489 00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,465 Shh! 490 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:46,013 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH