1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003 (grunting) 2 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:09,968 (school bell ringing) 3 00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:12,762 (belches) 4 00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,223 D'oh! 5 00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:17,308 (stirring orchestral music playing) 6 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,289 -(music stops) -Each year, 7 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,750 one graduate receives the prestigious 8 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,878 Golden Baton Award for the most impressive 9 00:00:44,961 --> 00:00:46,087 future conductor. 10 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:50,300 But this year, we have two worthy recipients. 11 00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:52,302 -(audience gasping) -Two? 12 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,553 That's right. 13 00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:57,474 Gustavo Dudamel and local wunderkind, 14 00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:59,684 Mr. Dewey Largo. 15 00:00:59,768 --> 00:01:01,686 (cheering and applause) 16 00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:05,648 I'm sure you will each achieve tremendous renown. 17 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,193 No, wait. 18 00:01:08,276 --> 00:01:10,111 I believe that one of you will. 19 00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,864 And the other will fail and have a horrible life 20 00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:15,200 as a public school music teacher. 21 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:17,911 (cackling maniacally) 22 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:23,208 Oh... Dudamel. 23 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:26,002 Dudamel. Yo-Yo Ma! 24 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,254 Oh, Dewey, my pouty poppet. 25 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,881 You're having that dream again? 26 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:32,801 Oh, it's so cruel that my only triumph 27 00:01:32,884 --> 00:01:34,844 has become my recurring nightmare. 28 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:37,472 Oh, darling, you're cursed with the memory of an elephant. 29 00:01:37,555 --> 00:01:39,641 And the wrinkles to match. 30 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:41,893 Can't you just wake me with a slice of melon 31 00:01:41,976 --> 00:01:43,269 and a drop of affection? 32 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,730 Whatever you say, Lord Grumpy of the Morning Breath. 33 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,148 (laughs) 34 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,406 Now, Petal, don't forget to call the dog walker. 35 00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,825 Tell him to come early. 36 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,409 And easy on the leash. 37 00:01:58,493 --> 00:01:59,911 Oh, it's on my list. 38 00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:02,664 Also, don't forget to call someone about the water bill. 39 00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,874 I suspect a sputtering spigot. 40 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,377 You know, you are home all day. 41 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:08,711 Hence my annoyance. 42 00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:11,297 Now, if you'll excuse me, Pinterest awaits. 43 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:12,841 (groans) 44 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:15,635 -(dog grumbles) -Oh, shut up, Sir Winston, 45 00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,929 or there'll be no cigar for you. 46 00:02:18,012 --> 00:02:21,015 (discordantly playing Mozart's "Eine kleine Nachtmusik") 47 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,273 MAN: Dear Mr. Largo, I am the musical director 48 00:02:28,356 --> 00:02:30,024 of the Capital City Philharmonic. 49 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,610 I've heard you've got talent. Big talent, major chops, 50 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:34,028 -the goods. -(exclaims) 51 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,697 (sustaining note) 52 00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,032 So I'll be attending your concert tomorrow night. 53 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,285 Intriguingly yours, Victor Kleskow. 54 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:41,953 (sustaining note) 55 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,666 P.S. I will be bringing an outside beverage. 56 00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,585 Large, icy, nonalcoholic. 57 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,421 -(note fades) -Okay, gang. 58 00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:54,465 Our recital's tomorrow, and we're gonna be ready. 59 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:56,926 And if you play the way I know you're capable of, 60 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,345 you'll never see me again. 61 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:01,347 (theme from Patton by Jerry Goldsmith plays) 62 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,600 You have hidden talent bubbling inside you, 63 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:05,977 and this baton will pop it right out. 64 00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:09,230 Sherri, more fortissimo. Terri, more pianissimo. 65 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,482 Milhouse, don't forget to tune your... 66 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:12,901 What the heck are you playing? 67 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:14,903 No one really knows. 68 00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,863 Well, then, wear it on your head. 69 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,533 Here we go. I'm gonna do something 70 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:23,369 I've never done as a teacher before: actually try. 71 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,246 One, two, three, four. 72 00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:27,165 (playing "Lieutenant Kijé Suite" by Prokofiev) 73 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,306 ♪ ♪ 74 00:03:54,567 --> 00:03:56,945 ♪ ♪ 75 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,740 Are you sure we're at the right school? 76 00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:03,493 I mean, they sound good. 77 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,121 Oh, my gosh, it's bearable. 78 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,790 (music swelling) 79 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:14,087 (music stops) 80 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,089 (cheering, applause) 81 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:18,174 Sir? Did it move you? 82 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,802 Skinner, didn't I ask for a buffer chair 83 00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,388 between you and me at all of these events? 84 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,390 Uh-uh. Buffer. 85 00:04:28,142 --> 00:04:30,478 Brilliant. How did you manage it? 86 00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:32,146 It was good, wasn't it? 87 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,732 Let's just say I separated the wheat from the chaff. 88 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,318 I'm in the F hole. 89 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:41,698 Oh, Salieri, patron saint of losers, 90 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:43,449 runners-up and also-rans, 91 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,535 please let this Garfunkel become a Simon, 92 00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,287 this Pepsi become a Coke, 93 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,831 and this ugly duckling conduct Swan Lake. 94 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,251 Hi. Victor Kleskow. We're conductors, 95 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:54,877 so don't shake hands. Just a friendly wave 96 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,713 on the beat of four, three, two and done. 97 00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:58,172 I'm honored, maestro. 98 00:04:58,256 --> 00:04:59,215 Let's cut to the chase. 99 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,466 That was good-- middle school good. 100 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,552 Tonight, I witnessed a once-in-a-semester talent 101 00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:04,762 that I must add to my organization. 102 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,306 -Dewey... -Uh-huh. 103 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:09,350 ...have to keep talking, or can I meet Lisa Simpson? 104 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,185 But-but-but she's a child. 105 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:13,021 Yes, I'm scouting talent for our youth philharmonic. 106 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,856 Surely you didn't think I wanted you? 107 00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:16,691 (sighs) No, no, of course not. 108 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,192 Lisa's right over there. 109 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:19,777 Red dress, intelligent expression. 110 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,321 Can't miss her. 111 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,408 ♪ ♪ 112 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,744 Mr. Largo, he picked me. 113 00:05:27,827 --> 00:05:29,912 (gasps) I'm sorry. 114 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,165 -I'm really glad you get to represent us. -(Willie humming) 115 00:05:32,248 --> 00:05:35,335 It's like a little piece of me is taking a baby practice step. 116 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,420 That is so generous. 117 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:41,007 Yes, yes, there is an upside to having a broken spirit. 118 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,926 Mr. Kleskow said my articulation 119 00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,054 was the best he's ever heard. 120 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,766 He said I sounded like a young Cannonball Adderley. 121 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,769 Ooh, is that the raccoon on Saturday morning cartoons? 122 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,229 I'm talking about the famous jazz musician. 123 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:57,482 I don't know who you're talking about. 124 00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,485 The guy I'm thinking of would make himself into a ball 125 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:03,363 and knock over all the crows. (laughs) 126 00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:06,699 Homie, this class is 30 miles each way. 127 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:08,117 We can do it! 128 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,786 I'll practice in the car. 129 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,288 60 miles in the car with Lisa practicing. 130 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,165 I've got a symphony for you. 131 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,209 (tune of Beethoven's 5th): ♪ Sucks to be you ♪ 132 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:18,211 ♪ Sucks to be you, sucks to be you ♪ 133 00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,129 ♪ Sucks to be you, sucks to be you. ♪ 134 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,381 (grumbles): Oh. 135 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:24,384 We can't afford a babysitter every day. 136 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,094 Bart will have to come along. 137 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,553 And Maggie, too. 138 00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,055 Well, I got to ask. 139 00:06:29,138 --> 00:06:33,184 Should we really sacrifice everything for a gifted child? 140 00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:35,645 We'll always regret it if we don't. 141 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,314 -Okay. -I wanted you to argue with me. 142 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,818 Youth orchestra costs $200 a month. 143 00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,820 Where's that money gonna come from? 144 00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,906 Well, I have an idea, but you might not like it. 145 00:06:46,989 --> 00:06:48,741 Remember the show Breaking Bad? 146 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,202 About a dad who was desperate for money? 147 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:52,829 Homer, no. 148 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,622 Marge, yes, I can do it. 149 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,416 I can sell my box set. 150 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,668 We haven't even listened to the commentaries. 151 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,128 Okay, not that. 152 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,838 I could always switch to a double shift 153 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,297 and work nights at the plant. 154 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:05,216 Isn't that dangerous to your health? 155 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,634 You think I'm in danger? 156 00:07:06,717 --> 00:07:09,429 I am the danger. I'm the one who knocks. 157 00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,180 Well, that's so protective. 158 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,266 It's also a quote from Breaking Bad. 159 00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:14,725 (Marge groans) 160 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,186 You are really far behind. 161 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:21,190 (Breaking Bad theme plays) 162 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:31,826 (horns honking) 163 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:33,536 MAN (on radio): And Jesus said 164 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,204 unto the Samaritan woman... 165 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,290 (announcer speaking Spanish) 166 00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,380 Good, good. When the Spanish station 167 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,675 overpowers the Christian one, we're getting close to the city. 168 00:07:47,758 --> 00:07:49,510 BART: Why do I have to be here? 169 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:51,471 I specifically didn't get good at anything 170 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,389 to avoid drives like this. 171 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,434 If you were me, would you trust you home alone? 172 00:07:56,517 --> 00:07:58,478 Hmm. 173 00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,105 (horse whinnies) 174 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:02,648 (chuckles) 175 00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:06,444 (instruments tuning and warming up) 176 00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:09,030 -Who's the new girl? -What does she play? 177 00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:10,406 Too small for a tuba. 178 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,117 -Too big for a flute. -Well, maybe it's her lunch. 179 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,411 -Hi. I'm Lisa Simpson. -Shh. 180 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,914 He might hear you. (coughs) 181 00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:20,500 -Are you okay? -Don't tell him I'm sick. 182 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:22,168 The sick are left to die. 183 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,504 (coughs, hocks, spits) 184 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,256 Wow, even the violas are tense. 185 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,175 (playing an intense note) 186 00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:30,760 Everyone, say hello to Lisa Simpson. 187 00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,762 She's an actual musician, so she will be 188 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:35,348 a strange and wonderful creature to the rest of you. 189 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:36,766 We'll start with one of the classics. 190 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,560 Theme from Knight Rider, second movement, bar 47. 191 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:41,562 One, two, three, four. 192 00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,648 (playing Knight Rider theme) 193 00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,485 -(music stops) -I may have misspoken. 194 00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:49,403 Miss Simpson, was that an F sharp 195 00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,614 or a G flat that you played? 196 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,324 Well, that's a trick question, 197 00:08:53,407 --> 00:08:55,493 because they're the same. (nervous chuckle) 198 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:58,204 Oh, we have a music scholar in our midst. 199 00:08:58,287 --> 00:08:59,872 You're right, they are the same. 200 00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:03,209 And if only you had played either one of them! 201 00:09:03,292 --> 00:09:05,169 (groans) Sorry? 202 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:06,629 No, no, no. It's my fault. 203 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,506 I've been too soft on you, Lisa. 204 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:10,716 I've been letting you coast for almost two minutes. 205 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,803 That ends now. Lisa alone, theme from Moonlighting, 206 00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,555 second movement, andante! 207 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,975 (playing Moonlighting theme) 208 00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:23,229 Ow. Ow. Ow. 209 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,855 -Ow. Ow. -Bart. 210 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:26,816 -Bart. -Just killing time. 211 00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:29,068 Ow. Ow. Ow. 212 00:09:29,151 --> 00:09:30,945 Ow. Ow. 213 00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,572 -(Lisa panting) -Lisa. 214 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,574 Lisa, sweetie, are you okay? 215 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:37,660 He yelled at me, humiliated me in front of everyone. 216 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,161 And then... 217 00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:41,872 I never played better! 218 00:09:42,915 --> 00:09:44,875 Aw, so we're doing this every day? 219 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:47,503 -I guess so. -Oh, man. 220 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,505 I've already got seat cushion butt. 221 00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,340 Look. I sat on a nickel. 222 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,883 You can see the date. 223 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,553 (gasps) That's a buffalo nickel. 224 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:56,887 It's really valuable. 225 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,264 Threw it in the gutter. 226 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,349 -Coins are boring. -(groans): Oh. 227 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,144 (Edvard Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" playing) 228 00:10:07,523 --> 00:10:10,359 Hey, welcome to the night shift. What are you in for? 229 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,111 Because I hit the jackpot. 230 00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:15,197 My kid's got a big future with the jazz. 231 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,867 Oh, I hear you, you'll do anything for your kids. 232 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:19,327 Then they turn on you. 233 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,871 Well, I am through. Happily estranged. 234 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,414 (ringing) 235 00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:25,374 Is that my kids? Oh, boy. 236 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,168 Steam valve. 237 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:28,628 It's never them. 238 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,213 It's pretty dark in here. Can we turn on some more lights? 239 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,716 Uh, no. The company can't afford the power. 240 00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,509 Aren't we a power company? 241 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:38,721 Never get high on your own supply. 242 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:39,930 (blows) 243 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:42,850 (orchestra quietly playing) 244 00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:45,353 Uh, Mom, I think Maggie wants to go home. 245 00:10:45,436 --> 00:10:47,605 Maggie, is that what you want? 246 00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,819 Let's go home! Let's go home! 247 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:56,030 I'm sorry, is this annoying you? 248 00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:59,075 Ma'am, day care is happy to watch your son. 249 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:00,868 Bart Simpson, well-behaved child. 250 00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:01,952 Please don't Google me. 251 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,537 -In you go! -(Bart yelps) 252 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:04,789 (door locks) 253 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:07,875 Who are you losers and why am I locked in here with you? 254 00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:09,335 We're the siblings. 255 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,671 Our brothers and sisters are the talented ones. 256 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:15,091 Do you know what it's like being second banana to a third chair? 257 00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:17,301 Shut up, Miles. 258 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,719 (honks) 259 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,513 Hey, I don't belong here. 260 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:25,226 You're one of us. 261 00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:29,355 ALL (chanting): One of us. One of us. 262 00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:31,816 -Afterthought. -Also-ran. 263 00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,275 Second string. 264 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,945 GIRL: Unwanted child. 265 00:11:36,028 --> 00:11:37,363 (all groaning) 266 00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,492 You're pretty well-dressed for a kid. 267 00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:42,910 I'm a parent. 268 00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:45,746 A prize-winning novelist with no musical talent. 269 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,458 All right, first order of business, 270 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,710 do we have any chair challenges? 271 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:52,795 Excuse me, what's a chair chall... 272 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,214 Great, our first volunteer, out for blood. 273 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:57,842 Lisa versus Brian, winner gets first chair. 274 00:11:57,925 --> 00:12:01,053 -Lisa, how could you? -No, I didn't mean to. 275 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,848 Go, go, go, or I'll call you both Ubers back to Loser Town. 276 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:06,600 Damn it, surge pricing. I'll call it in later. Go! 277 00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,686 ♪ ♪ 278 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,232 I've heard enough. 279 00:12:13,315 --> 00:12:16,068 Brian, that was perfect... for second chair. 280 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,903 Lisa, you have his spot. 281 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,406 -I had a good run. -No, you didn't. 282 00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:22,408 Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. 283 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:24,493 Never apologize for talent. 284 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,746 Did Mozart apologize? I don't know. I wasn't there. 285 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,998 And even if I was, I'd have been pushing a plow. 286 00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:31,041 You think everyone gets to hang out with Mozart? 287 00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:32,960 (Lisa moans) 288 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,547 LISA: Whoo-hoo! First chair. 289 00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,966 (saxophone playing) 290 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,387 -Well, I'm off to the night shift. -(Snowball II yowls) 291 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,640 I'll miss you most of all, prime-time TV. 292 00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:50,019 -Dad, do my feelings matter? -Of course they do. 293 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,646 We just don't have as much time for them as usual. 294 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:54,899 Go ahead, tell me what you're thinking. 295 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,109 -Well, I... -I hear you, I understand you, 296 00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:58,736 -and I love you. -But I... 297 00:12:58,819 --> 00:13:01,030 Just put the rest on my Father's Day card. 298 00:13:01,113 --> 00:13:02,907 Mwah. I'll see you at breakfast. 299 00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:04,909 (Marge cries) 300 00:13:04,992 --> 00:13:07,077 There's nothing worse than being the parent 301 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,163 of a kid with promise. 302 00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:13,250 Oh, gosh. I've been so selfish. 303 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:15,878 That's right. The only one who should monopolize 304 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:18,297 this family's time and attention is me, 305 00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,007 because I could go at any moment. 306 00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,425 Unless I keep talking. 307 00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:23,135 Talking, talking, talking. 308 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,513 That's what keeps the grim reaper at bay. 309 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:27,515 (phone vibrates) 310 00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:31,268 I saw quite a bit of the grim reaper back in the war. 311 00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:34,688 Back then, we called him The Ticket Out of Germany. 312 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:38,442 But the seating was cramped and the food was lousy. 313 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:41,779 And that was the start of American Airlines. 314 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,409 MAN (on radio): ¿Accidentes? No problema. 315 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,955 Teléfono ocho-ocho-ocho ocho-ocho... 316 00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:53,833 Maggie, what are you doing? 317 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,836 I'll help her, Mom. 318 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,838 Help! Help! 319 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,924 I was promised ice cream 50 miles ago. 320 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,635 -(tires screech) -(sighs) We're here. 321 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:11,559 -Homie? -(sighs) 322 00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:14,019 Everything's breakfast all the time. 323 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,897 Eggs. All I'm eating are eggs. 324 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,025 I think it's turning my skin yellow. 325 00:14:20,109 --> 00:14:22,778 Homie, are we sacrificing our family's happiness 326 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,947 for the sake of one member? 327 00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:26,949 When Lisa's making millions of dollars 328 00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:30,327 playing for the Utah Jazz, it'll be worth it. 329 00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,330 The Jazz is a basketball team. 330 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:34,874 No, it's... 331 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,632 Oh, my God, what have we done? 332 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,718 (jazz playing) 333 00:14:50,347 --> 00:14:52,349 ♪ ♪ 334 00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,730 (tires screech) 335 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:02,484 ♪ ♪ 336 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,580 Okay, listen up, you guys want to be 337 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,498 in your siblings' shadows your whole life? 338 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:17,708 ALL: Yes. 339 00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:19,543 It's cool in the shadow. 340 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,462 Well, I'm gonna tell you how to get attention. 341 00:15:21,545 --> 00:15:23,464 -Are you sure? -That sounds risky. 342 00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,341 I don't know about that. 343 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,343 Here's what you do: misbehave. 344 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,011 Call your dad by his first name. 345 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,013 If it's sticky, spill it. 346 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,182 -Make a shirttail wiener. -(kids laughing) 347 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,516 -Yes! -I'll do it! 348 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,643 Yeah! 349 00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:37,478 Simpson, a word? 350 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:40,564 About your time with this band, I am afraid it's almost up. 351 00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:41,857 Are you kicking me out? 352 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,817 I wish. Ending people's musical careers 353 00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:45,194 is why I got into music. 354 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,071 But no, your sin is having a birthday soon. 355 00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:49,365 You have to audition to move up to the next group. 356 00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,325 -How old are they? -Nine to 14. 357 00:15:51,408 --> 00:15:53,035 And then what's the group after that? 358 00:15:53,118 --> 00:15:55,037 Fame, fortune, an affair with Hans Zimmer. 359 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,915 Well, sir, I'm ready for all but the last one. 360 00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,541 You think you're ready? In nine to 14, 361 00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:01,210 we play notes you've never heard of. 362 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,380 M-flat, J-sharp, V, cursive G, Frank, Frank Natural. 363 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,298 And those are just the ones you can hear. 364 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,133 I know you're playing mental games with me, 365 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,052 and I take it as flattery. 366 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:12,596 Smart. Always smart. Well, this isn't a game! 367 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,223 It'll cost your parents more money, 368 00:16:14,306 --> 00:16:16,308 and it's a half hour farther from everywhere. 369 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:19,603 Oh, well, I guess I better talk to my family, then, 370 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,773 and tell them the, uh... the good news. 371 00:16:22,856 --> 00:16:24,608 Auditions are Tuesday. I sense you're conflicted. 372 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,027 I was conflicted once. Band leader or prison guard? 373 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:29,530 I chose the one where I could be more cruel. 374 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:31,865 (bird cawing) 375 00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:35,202 So tired and irritable. 376 00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,871 Shut up. You shut up. 377 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,714 ♪ ♪ 378 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,472 ("Midnight, the Stars and You" playing) 379 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,914 The usual, sir? 380 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,041 Thank you, Lloyd. 381 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,625 And let me say, no one enables 382 00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:25,961 a descent into madness better than you. 383 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,254 I understand the family's 384 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,381 getting to be a bit of a problem. 385 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:32,134 Yeah, but what are you gonna do? 386 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:35,721 I hear radiation poisoning is a painless way to go. 387 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:39,391 Maybe sprinkle a little plutonium in the salad. 388 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,852 -I don't eat salad. -Exactly. 389 00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:44,688 (chuckles) I see. 390 00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:46,106 (laughs) 391 00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,358 -No, I don't. -Kill your family. 392 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,778 -How do I do that? -With the plutonium. 393 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:53,489 -Well, where do I put it? -In the salad. 394 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:57,159 -To what end? -To kill your family! 395 00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,787 Just what are you driving at? 396 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:02,122 ♪ ♪ 397 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:05,042 ("Midnight, the Stars and You" playing) 398 00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:12,925 Simpson, what the hell are you doing? 399 00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:14,343 Get back to your post. 400 00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:15,969 Geez, I nearly went insane 401 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:19,181 just to put my kid in an after-school music class. 402 00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,058 I'm beginning to think it's not worth it. 403 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,560 -Please, don't fire me. -(chuckles) Oh, don't worry. 404 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,396 What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift. 405 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,398 I'm not gonna hurt you. 406 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:31,401 I'm just gonna bash your brains in. 407 00:18:31,485 --> 00:18:35,197 (chuckles) There's our head of human resources now. 408 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,448 ♪ ♪ 409 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,119 Well, this is it. 410 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,413 If she makes it, it's five more years at least of driving. 411 00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:47,042 I gave Maggie a Sketch 'n' Etch to calm her down. 412 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,753 HOMER: Oh, my God, she has talent, too. 413 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:52,464 -What are you looking at? -Uh, nothing. 414 00:18:53,841 --> 00:18:56,051 Make something else. 415 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,971 ♪ ♪ 416 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,973 LISA: I'm doing it. I'm gonna make it. 417 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,476 Oh, but if I keep being this good, 418 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:08,063 it'll mean more practice and more driving 419 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,233 and more resentful looks from the baby. 420 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,360 Wonder what I'm gonna do. 421 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,821 Ugh, I hate defining moments. 422 00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:22,161 (plays off-key) 423 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,537 Stop! That's it, you failed. 424 00:19:23,620 --> 00:19:24,872 Have fun playing for nickels on the street 425 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,290 at the corner of Good But Not Great 426 00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:27,583 and Disappointment Boulevard. 427 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,251 You don't exist for me anymore. 428 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,253 You're pretty mean for a teacher. 429 00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:33,505 Yeah. You should see me as a father. 430 00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,049 So, guess this is the last time 431 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,051 we're doing this drive. 432 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:39,887 Lisa, are you okay? 433 00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:41,889 Sure. Fine. Never been better. 434 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:45,100 Hmm. You weren't crazy enough to fail on purpose 435 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,519 just to make life better for the rest of us? 436 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,730 I'm fine. Probably, if I'd gotten it, 437 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:53,066 all that work would have killed my love for music. 438 00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:55,819 Or I think you would have gotten better and loved it more. 439 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,029 (both grunt) 440 00:19:57,112 --> 00:19:58,447 I know I loved that. 441 00:19:58,530 --> 00:20:00,490 And I love that I drove you to violence. 442 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,034 -(grunts) -(both laugh) 443 00:20:02,117 --> 00:20:03,785 Don't make me come back there! 444 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,287 You wouldn't fit, fatso. 445 00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,705 Oh, wouldn't I? 446 00:20:06,788 --> 00:20:08,373 -(Homer grunting) -(Marge gasps) 447 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,001 (both laugh) 448 00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:12,544 (laughs) 449 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,630 Maggie, are we good? 450 00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,132 Oh, wow. 451 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:33,232 Why does this car always smell of cheese puffs? 452 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,525 Is someone sad-snacking when he drives alone? 453 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,986 It's not like I have anyone making me breakfast. 454 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,696 But we're almost home, so close your eyes. 455 00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:40,989 There's a big surprise. 456 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,783 -Come on, close them. -This is silly. 457 00:20:42,866 --> 00:20:44,076 Close them! 458 00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,577 Oh, Petal. 459 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,746 Surprise. 460 00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:49,915 (gasps) A man, for me? 461 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,834 No. I've changed the locks and I'm kicking you out. 462 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:55,963 But-but who gets Sir Winston? 463 00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,048 His name is Poochini. 464 00:20:58,131 --> 00:20:59,508 Very well. Poochini it is. 465 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,009 (Largo gasps) 466 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,303 That's all I ever wanted. 467 00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:05,264 I love you. 468 00:21:05,347 --> 00:21:09,059 (saxophone playing) 469 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,519 Shh! 470 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,983 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH